A Thanksgiving Tale

The lovely writers at Everwood have decided to bring us something called "A Thanksgiving Tale," which scares me in a very special way. This better be good.

We open with a black screen and the episode title, "A Thanksgiving Tale," written in fancy floral script. I think my wedding invitations were printed in this font, but at least it's not Comic Sans or something.

A grizzly bearded stranger wanders through the woods, and Irv starts his narration at once: "Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, there lived a man who was hardly a man. He had forgotten the way voices sound, so long had he been exiled." Oh, boy. This guy is going to be "important," isn't he? Irv continues: "Exiled to a cold dark hovel at the center of the forest." Grizzly squints as a truck's headlights pull up the road near where he's standing. It appears that the truck is on loan from the set of The Waltons. Blah blah more voice-over: "This legend is kept only by the faithful." Grizzly watches as a man gets out of the truck and sets a box down by the side of the road. Hmm. "As for this man, you could say he's still living, but you could also say he's been erased from humankind." Okay, why isn't Irv getting on my nerves? I don't understand it, but I'm not going to question it.

Grizzly opens the box in his shack. It's full of books. What, no Ramen noodles? No Vienna sausage? Oh, there's a turkey, too. Butterball, from the looks of it.

Brown house. Andy's trying to decide whether to carve the turkey first or cook it first. He goes on to explain that carving it first would be better, but is interrupted by my sweet Ephram, who tells him to "give it up." I told my mom to give it up one time, and it was my last, I can tell you that for free. Delia chimes in that "Mom had a turkey that was too big once," and Ephram says that their mom said once it was garnished, no one would know. I really don't understand how some parsley is going to hide the fact that you have a giant turkey, but I'm no gourmet chef.

Delia brings out a cookbook and proclaims, "It's all in here." Did I mention how cute she is? Gah. She and Ephram reminisce about their mom's cooking, and Delia wants to know if they can make Thanksgiving "like Mom's." Aw, man. That's really pretty sad, isn't it? Andy tries to get out of it by saying that their mom was really into these things, and then has a "brilliant idea." Ephram looks pained as Andy gets on the phone and orders them up a whole box of Thanksgiving dinner from "Mama Joy's." I guess that's the name of the diner that I couldn't figure out last week. Delia gives Ephram a "What the F?" look as we go to the credits.

I would like to state for the record that I have changed my mind about the opening music. As much as it hurts me to say it, I think it works. Hush.

Patch Abbott locks his office and meets Dr. Brown on the street. He tells Andy that he's off to his yearly physical. Andy says he didn't see him in the appointment book, and Patch tells him that his "Physician" is in Denver, and he says it just like that, with a capital P. He asks Andy what he's doing with "that bird," and Andy explains that he's returning it so they can order a sorry boxed dinner from a restaurant. Happy Thanksgiving! Patch Abbott makes a snide comment, and Andy remarks that he's glad his wit is just as sharp as the "Yule approaches." Dr. Abbott makes fun of him for saying "Yule," and he's very Ghost of Jacob Marley about the whole thing. Andy tells him that the last guy who acted like that was visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve. See? Even I saw that coming. Dr. Abbott says he appreciates the tip, "ghosts being your specialty." Ouch. And then Treat laughs about it, like it's funny! It's not funny.

Andy slams the big turkey down on his office table and tells Nurse Edna to return it for him. What is she, his personal assistant now? I bet that's not in her job description. Let's see: "Draw blood." "Give shots." "Do Andy's bidding." Oh, there it is. She asks what's wrong with it, and Andy says it's fine if she wants to cook it for herself and Irv. Andy tells Edna that he ordered Thanksgiving from Mama Joy's, and Nurse Edna asks if he raised the white flag a little too early. Andy says that it seemed like the best decision for everyone involved. Yes, if by "everyone," you mean "lazy Dr. Brown." Edna tells Andy that a "Mr. Maxwell" and his "missus" will be in at five. Did Everwood accidentally move to Arkansas? Apologies to all Arkansans for that comment, even though I really mean it.

Dr. Brown tells a couple I can only assume are the backwoods Maxwells that he wishes he had better news, but that Mr. Maxwell's dialysis isn't working anymore, and he needs a kidney transplant. His wife, Roxanne, wants to know if she can give him a kidney. Dr. Brown says she's not a match, and that an unmatched transplant would be a disaster. Roxanne argues with Andy a little bit, but Dr. Brown says that the only real option is to find a family member who's willing to donate. Mr. Maxwell says that he doesn't have any living relatives. Dr. Brown says the only option is new medications, then, which may mean side effects, and that it's "no sure thing." Mr. Maxwell repeats that, and it's a pretty sure thing to me that this actor signed up for a lobotomy instead of method classes. Dr. Brown wants to meet with them again the week, and then notices on the medical file that "Marty" has a brother. Marty Maxwell looks terrified, or as terrified as one with a missing frontal lobe can look, and then Roxanne volunteers that Marty's brother is, in fact, alive. Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! I know who it is! I bet Marty's brother is the GRIZZLY guy! Way to drop The Anvil Of Very Special Foreshadowing so early in the episode, y'all.

Marty says that talking to his brother won't be possible, and Andy suggests arranging it with the "unknown" brother's hospital. Marty tells Andy that "[he doesn't] have a brother, Dr. Brown. Not 'nymore." I think we are in Arkansas. Uncomfortable silence ensues.

Cut to Delia, who's precariously balanced on a rickety-looking chair, trying to get a box out of the top of the closet. Ephram catches her and tells her to get down, that it's not safe. He picks her up and sets her on the floor with the box. Aw. I wish Ephram were MY brother. Except then he couldn't be my boyfriend. Decisions, decisions. He asks Delia what she's doing, and she says that she's looking for their mom's "Grateful Books," which she apparently made every Thanksgiving. Ephram opens one and reads, "We are grateful for Ephram's piano playing, which sounds like angels dancing on the keyboard." Oh my God, are they going to make me cry this early? I believe so. Delia says that the one from the year before is even better; Ephram says guiltily that he used to say they were stupid. Delia tries to comfort him by saying that their mom thought it was funny. Ephram says he was a punk. Delia tells him that their mom knew he really liked them. Ephram gives Delia a look of intense regret, and something intense happens to myum, never mind. Ephram tells Delia that it will still be Thanksgiving this year, and Delia says that it won't be the same. She complains about the container dinner, the lack of a Thanksgiving Day parade, and no mom to read the book. Ephram tries to convince her that these are all good things, but Delia says she wishes Thanksgiving wouldn't come at all. And I get teary for the second time in two minutes.

Dr. Abbott's "Physician" is saying that he doesn't understand why this year is any different from last year, or the one before that; Patch's good health is "uncanny." Dr. Abbott says, "Let me guess: PSA 1.5, LDL 118, HDL 58, BP122/62, heart rate 62, and weight eight percent below the insurance guidelines." He's so smug; I love it. Dr. Physician says that Harold is the textbook male. Dr. Abbott gets ready to leave, when Dr. Physician says he just needs him to "pop back in after the holidays for another MRI. Got any big Thanksgiving plans?" Nice bedside manner, Physician. Dr. Abbott looks concerned, and Dr. Physician says that it's most likely nothing; a "spot" on the scan. "A growth, maybe." Patch Abbott is getting upset! Dr. Physician says it's no big deal, but Patch insists that they do the MRI that day. Dr. Physician brushes him off and says he's all booked up. Now Patch Abbott is getting really upset.

Mama Joy's diner. Nina is telling Andy that the story of Marty Maxwell's brother is legendary. Daniel Maxwell was a great scholar, it seems, with a head "only for his work and his books." Nina says that the whole town was stunned when he got married, but that the marriage didn't last because one day Daniel dropped his basket for no reason at all. Andy starts some blah blah about psychiatric breaks, but Nina says it was a "descent into madness" that prompted Daniel to leave his wife and house and move out to the woods to live in a shack and get boxes of books delivered to him and maybe give his brother a kidney. Andy is incredulous, and apparently very concerned about Kooky Daniel's escrow. Nina wants the story to be all romantic, so she tells him to cool it.