Is There A Doctor In The House?

Previously on Everwood: Hey! Nonny Nonny and Grandpa Hoffman come for a surprise visit; Ephram sneaks out to see Amy, only to get dissed; Grandpa Hoffman tries to guilt Andy into letting Ephram move back to New York, and also is a major jag.

We open on the Brown house in the morning, where Andy tells "Delia" that he had an epiphany that Pop-Tarts were just square cookies, so he's making eggs today. He closes the refrigerator to find a sullen (okay, and cute) Ephram standing there. Andy offers Ephram breakfast. Ephram declines. I like that t-shirt on him. Shut up. An entirely too chipper Grandpa Hoffman walks in and tells Ephram he just got off the phone with "Mr. Ziegler," the headmaster at Ephram's old school. Treat looks pained, like, nearly constipated, as Grandpa Hoffman goes on to explain that "the school will be thrilled to have you backthat's if you decide to go." Sure, Gramps. "If you decide to go" really means "when you go, because you are moving back to New York with us, son, and away from this bad, bad man you call a father, and that's final. No, I mean it." Jackass.

Andy busies himself washing dishes so it won't seem like he's totally eavesdropping, and Gramps goes on to tell Ephram that the headmaster said he could start in three weeks and that, due to the circumstances, he'll "overlook your grades." Andy nearly gives himself whiplash whirling around to face them and says, "That doesn't mean you don't have to go to school today." Ephram blinks and leaves the room. Grandpa Hoffman, inexplicably, just stands there with a terrifyingly bright rictus of a smile painted on his face. Didn't anyone ever tell him it could stick that way? I wish Andy would hit him on the back. Hard.

Andy tells Gramps that it's all very interesting that he's making all these plans for Ephram, except that Andy hasn't said Ephram can go yet. Gramps counters that even so, things have to be "ready. You can't just pick up and move a kid." Andy says he'll think about it, and Gramps tells Andy to do what he needs to, but that he's not just going to "keep [his] hands in [his] pockets while you do." I have no idea what that means, but at least we know now that Gramps isn't walking around Everwood fondling himself. That's a relief.

Worst theme music in the world. I have to turn it down every time the high-pitched screechy violin kicks in. Ouch.

Diner I don't know the name of, because this is my first recap. Oh, you didn't know? Hi. I'm AB Chao. I'll be recapping the show from now on. Nurse Edna, in her nursing whites and a humongous furry coat, walks up to the counter and demands, "Muffin. Coffee." Trumpet Music Of Playful Doom bum-bums in the background while the coffee guy rushes around getting her order. He tells her to just go ahead and take it. Edna sneers at him, snatches her bag, and leaves, as we pan over to a table in the diner, where Delia and someone with his back to us are sitting. As the writers scratch off #476 in their Handy-Dandy Handbook of On-Screen Clichs, Irv The Narrating Bus Driver lowers the newspaper he's been hiding behind. Delia asks Irv why Nurse Edna is scaring everyone. Irv replies, "Because that's what she does." He goes on to explain that Saturday is Edna's birthday, and that because he's a very smart man, he's not throwing her a party. Delia wants to know if someone else should, and Irv says he'd like to see them try. That Delia is so cute. I just love her in her baseball cap. I tried to get my daughter to wear one, and she wouldn't, and then I screamed at her, "WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE DELIA? GOD!" Does that make me a bad parent?

Irv gets up to leave just as H! NN is sitting down. She passive-aggressively insults the town newspaper by saying just how much she loves reading something that's not a police blotter. I really don't like her either, and y'all, I have my TiVo paused on her face right now, and just be glad you're not here to see it. Delia says that no one is throwing Edna a birthday party, and H! NN positively wets herself volunteering to do it. She tells Delia conspiratorially, "I could teach you all my secrets" No, Delia, please no! Run! Delia tells H! NN that she's not sure if Edna even wants a party, and H! NN says, "The Lupus Foundation didn't want a party either. Now they're bigger than MS, thanks to me!" Delia looks confused, but smiles politely at her poor insane grandmother and inwardly writes a note to herself: Don't Get Senile.

Cut to Andy, who's knocking on Neighbor Nina's door. He asks for a cigarette. She tells him he doesn't smoke. He says he does sometimes. Nina shuffles outside in her robe to get him a cigarette she's hiding in a birdfeeder. She tells him that he only knows she smokes because he's her doctor, and he's taking advantage. Wait, she hides cigarettes in a birdfeeder? How ridiculous. Don't they get damp? Wet cigarettes are no friend of mine, nor yours, folks. Nina should know better. Andy says, "Julia hated these. And now I feel even guiltier when I sneak them." I don't see how he thinks he's sneaking. I thought dead people could see everything. Nina fixes Andy with an inappropriate gaze and says, even more inappropriately, "So, do you wanna spill it, or do I have to get rough?" Whoa, there, Hester Prynne. Aren't you married? Andy clearly doesn't notice that Nina wants to jump him, and tells her that Ephram's getting ready to leave. He's sad because "they're acting like my opinion doesn't mean a damn thing." Aw, Treat looks kind of cute when he's whiny and vulnerable. Nina tells him that it doesn't mean a damn thing until you "give it." What she really means is "hang me upside down and take me halfway to Happyland, you big neuro-stud." Oh, wait. Wrong show. Andy says he can't say anything, because he doesn't know what the right thing to do is yet. Nina says she's never felt sure about anything as a parent, blah blah blah faux-insecurity-cakes, and tells Andy to do what he wants. He says that doing what he wants is what got them here in the first place. God, this is a long scene. Nina suggests talking to his father-in-law, and both Andy and I make nasty faces and say, "I don't think that would be a very good idea, because if I get in the same room with him again I'll probably kill him." Damn right.

Delia's getting off the bus in front of Andy's office. She stops Edna and Irv on the sidewalk and hands Edna an invitation. Delia says, "You are both cordially invited to commemorate the day of your birth with festivity and friends." Only, she mumbles a little, so it sounds like "fat study in France." Ah, yes. My favorite way to party. Delia says she's invited everyone she knows. Irv tells Delia that they'd be delighted, and then tells Nurse Aggro to "use your words, Edna." Edna growls at Delia through Clenched Teeth Of Irv Ain't Getting None Tonight, "Thank you." Delia says, "Don't forget; it's formal!" This should be good.

Abbott house. Amy's on the couch reading a book whose title I can't quite see. Bright Abbott comes in and wants to watch SpongeBob. Amy doesn't respond. Bright mocks her, "Yes, I mind, I'm studying. Besides, I'm still mad at you. 'Still?' Yes, it's going to last forever and ever, because my name is Amy, and I never do anything wrong, and II've got perfect skin." I like this Bright. Amy sulks and turns the other way. Bright turns on SpongeBob. Score!

Dr. Abbott walks in on the phone, saying, "Oh, yes, we will certainly be there." He tells Amy and Bright that they have to go to the Browns' house; they're throwing his mother a birthday party. Patch Abbott is so jubilant when he says this that he spits on himself a little. He says it's going to be priceless. Bright gets all bratty: "Take a lot of pictures, I'm not goin'." Amy doesn't want to go if Bright doesn't have to. Bright says his stomach hurts, and then he and Amy try to talk over each other until Dr. Abbott tells them that they have to go: "That woman is direct kin and we are not going to miss out on her abject misery. As a family." He tells Bright to suck it up, and Amy that she loves her grandmother, he can't believe she'd miss it. Amy, who has really shiny hair, says that it's not that, but she doesn't know how she feels about going to the Browns'. Dr. Abbott says he thought she was friends with "the son, the one with tuberculosis." Hee. Amy says, "Not recently," and Patch looks very pleased. "Excellent," he Smitherses. "I'll start dinner."

Ephram's room. He looks like he's been crying, but that may just be Gregory Smith's natural state, and in any case, I don't care, because he's freaking hot. He's tortured and sad and pretty and I think I am a little ashamed of myself. Just wanted to get that out of the way. Ephram picks up the phone to call someone, but Hey! Nonny Nonny interrupts to tell him that she finally found the "good napkins." Ephram tells her he's trying to decide if he should tell anyone he might be moving. H! NN says, "Like Delia?" Yes, Grandmother. Like Delia. Who must have moved out and gotten her own apartment, which is why he'd be calling her on the phone. Ephram says, "Among others." H! NN says she thinks Delia will understand, and that maybe Andy could help him talk to Delia about it. Ephram says they didn't exactly plan this out together. H! NN says that he and his father should talk, and instructs Ephram to follow her.

H! NN leads Ephram into the dining room, and tells him that the dining room table used to belong to her and Gramps. She starts telling Ephram about the first time that Andy and Jacob met: Gramps had been hearing all over the hospital about some hotshot new surgeon, and from Julia at home about this kid who was sweeping her off her feet, and Jacob didn't like any of it. Why? Was he jealous of a new doctor? Why would he be mad that his daughter was happy? Anyway, Julia brings Andy over for the first time for dinner ("I made a brisket.") and Andy looked like he wanted to ask for something, so the ladies left the men alone to beat their chests and have a testosterone shootout. Or, alternately, to try to match each other shot for shot with a bottle of Polish vodka. Whichever you prefer. H! NN goes on to say that neither of the men would give in, and that Andy never did ask to marry Julia, and Jacob never said, "Yes." Is there a point to this story? Oh, here it is. Finally. Ephram's dad isn't mad at him; it's just that he's been involved in some sort of weird battle for power with Gramps for years. Neither man wants to lose; they'll always be trying to "drink each other under the table." Gah.

Commercial. Awesome. I think I deserve an inaugural recapping drink. Mmm, Polish vodka.

It's snowing in Everwood. Pretty shots of churches, houses, trees, and so forth being swathed in snow. Irv voice-overs, "No matter how old you are, it's hard not to get excited when snow starts to fall. Because, so long as it keeps coming, no one can make you go anywhere or do anything. All life's rules are suspended." I really wish these dumb narrations would be suspended, but we can't have everything.

Andy's watching Ephram put on his tie, presumably for the party. He tells Ephram that someone called from New York for him. "You got a friend named Scug?" Ephram says that Scug was only at the house, like, every day. Andy says that Rachel Ackerman is having a welcome back party for Ephram because she is "let me make sure I got this right. 'Totally hot for your ass.'" Treat rocked that line, I have to say. Ephram doesn't even blink. These crazy kids and their progressive parents. He tells his dad that girls are a little faster in New York. Which segues nicely into Andy's remark, which is that he wants to talk to Ephram about "this New York thing." Ephram cuts Andy off and says he can't talk right now because he has to get dressed. Andy takes the bait and leaves. Okay, so Ephram's being a jackass, but that doesn't mean Dr. Brown has to be such a chicken about it.

A clock ticks in the Abbotts' house, letting us know that Bright on the couch under a blanket means he is not dressed for the party in a timely fashion. Dr. Abbott walks in and tells us just that. Bright says he's not going, that his stomach hurts. He might have "Spina Buffalo." His name is Bright, huh? Dr. Abbott pokes him a little and tells him to get dressed. Bright complains that he'll just yak on the Browns' floor, but gets up anyway.

Party at the Browns'. Approximately one hundred and fifty thousand extras have been shoved into the house for the festivities. Grandpa Hoffman is playing a jaunty tune on the piano, except that his hands are totally not moving. They really need to work on that. Ephram doesn't ever look like he's playing, either. Delia answers the door in a little blue dress and her baseball cap. Aw. It's the Abbotts. Delia invites them in all proper-like, because she's "hostess." Bright follows slowly enough for Delia to have closed the door already, and when she opens it on himDelia's in loooooove, y'all. She looks at Bright in his super-puffy winter jacket, and proclaims, "You're huge." Yay! Bright introduces himself and compliments her "way-cool outfit." Delia, with a response that will haunt her for years to come, replies, "It itches." She stares after him and removes her cap in reverence. And also because she wants him to see her pretty hair.