“ Grandma Hoffman looks like something from The Dark Crystal, frankly. In fact, with the exception of Delia, most of the characters on this show kind of look like they were made in Jim Henson's workshop. ”
Previously: The Browns move to Everwood, Colorado, after the death of Dr. Brown's wife. Ephram kisses Amy, whose boyfriend just woke up from a coma. Dr. Brown sets up camp permanently in Everwood.
Camera pans over photos of dead Mrs. Brown, as a weird and off-putting VO tells us that one of the hard things about being a father is not knowing what possessions are yours anymore. Is that supposed to be Treat Williams? Because it sounds nothing like him. Whatever. It's supposed to be all homey and heartwarming, but it mostly makes no sense.
The camera pans over to Delia. This little kid is gorgeous. She's also eerily similar looking to the moppet on 7th Heaven. She wakes up and sniffs the air. Cut to Ephram, who does the same thing. All three Browns meet in the hall. Dr. Brown asks if they were cooking. He says it smells great. Ephram snarks that that's why they were suspicious.
Delia runs into the kitchen downstairs. It's their grandparents, the Hoffmans, and they're cooking up a storm. This show got gypped in the music budget department -- everything sounds like third-rate leavings from an after-school special. Dr. Brown is not so pleased to see them, but makes nice and asks when they got there. Grandma Hoffman makes disparaging comments about the small-townness of Everwood. Dr. Brown looks perturbed. Grandma Hoffman looks like something from The Dark Crystal, frankly. In fact, with the exception of Delia, most of the characters on this show kind of look like they were made in Jim Henson's workshop. Scary. Ephram tells Grandma Hoffman he wants two pieces of French toast. She tells him he's wasting away to nothing, and to eat four. Everyone talks about how great it is that the Hoffmans are there. "Sure is," Dr. Brown says through gritted teeth.
Pan over some shots of Colorado mountains. They sure are pretty. And big. And white. Oh -- it's the credits. Duh.
Brown House Of Uninvited In-Laws. Grandma Hoffman is showing Delia some frou-frou dress that she bought for her. Delia looks less than thrilled. She asks if there's anything else. Grandma Hoffman chuckles as if to say, "How cute! I love it when she's unappreciative," and gives her a bag of black-and-white cookies. Mmmmblack-and-white cookies. Then she gives her a Bonne Bell lip gloss so she can keep her lips "shiny and pretty." Isn't she a little young for that? Delia mostly looks confused.
Turf Wars
“ Hey! Nonny Nonny says that they'll go to the store, and to pretend that they're not there. Dr. Brown is gritting his teeth so hard you can almost hear the TMJ developing as he says, 'I could never do that.' ”
Delia weasels her way out of going to school by saying she wants to show "Nonny" and Grandpa around Everwood. Ephram tries to get in on it, too, but Dr. Brown is having none of it. Dr. Brown not-so-subtly asks Jacob Hoffman how long they're in town for. Jacob calls him on it, in his jovial Grandfather of the Year way. Dr. Brown says he wants to plan for "food and stuff." Jacob points out that it's been months, and he hadn't called them for a visit. Hey! Nonny Nonny says that they'll go to the store, and to pretend that they're not there. Dr. Brown is gritting his teeth so hard you can almost hear the TMJ developing as he says, "I could never do that." He escapes to the office, but not before joking that he'll let Jacob look at some patients if he wants to stop by later. Jacob snips that he couldn't do that, because he charges his patients. Dr. Brown walks away, wondering if he could get away with punching an old man.
Ephram's Bedroom Of Angst. He's getting ready for school. In comes Dr. Brown. He asks Ephram if he knew they were visiting. Ephram says he knew they were coming, but they didn't say when. Dr. Brown: "Now that they're here, do me a favor. You know how you usually behave?" Ephram: "Distant and miserable?" Dr. Brown: "Yeah. Do the opposite." Is Dr. Brown moonlighting as a summer stock director?
Brown's Clinic Of Helping The Helpless. In comes Dr. Brown, holding a broom and a bag of groceries. Edna grouses, "That better not be for me." Ah! A Sassy Secretary! And they made her a senior citizen rather than black. Dr. Brown says he needs her help, since the Hoffmans have arrived. Edna says, "They're old people. Plop 'em in front of the TV and toss 'em a bag of chips every half-hour." Dr. Brown says she doesn't know the Hoffmans -- not only is Jacob Surgeon of the Century, he was Father of the Year as well. Edna sympathizes, telling him about her commander in Da Nang who not only resuscitated over fifty patients, but also still managed to bake cookies for the troops. Edna concludes her story by muttering, "Bitch." Dr. Brown says he still wins, because her commander isn't coming to the office to judge her every move. Edna tells him to take a breath and go see a patient, while she dusts.
Touched By A Patient. Ew, not like that. Turns out that Ben, the little kid waiting for Dr. Brown, doesn't have a problem himself -- he wants a free house call for his father, who is extremely overweight and can't move.
School Of Unrequited Love. Amy is hauling an enormous gym bag. Ephram offers help, which she refuses. He asks if she doesn't want to talk to him, or if she's showing solidarity with the feminist movement, since he can respect both. Ephram is wearing what looks like a windbreaker, while Amy is wearing a thin jacket. You know, isn't Colorado supposed to be kind of chilly? What month is it, anyhow? Oh my God. I have turned into my mother. Amy and Ephram talk about the kiss. Amy tells him to forget about it, then not-so-subtly segues into how the bag's full of clothes, since she's going straight to the hospital and will be there every weekend until Colin comes home. Ephram asks dully if that means she won't be at the party that weekend. Amy says chirpily, "No can do." Ephram says edgily that it's a shame -- he'd never partied in a canyon, since New Yorkers are more basement people. Amy tells him that just because she's not going doesn't mean he can't go. He says he knows that. Amy says she has to leave. Ephram looks after her longingly.