[Note From The Recapper: My good friend Allison Lowe Huff is here this weekend, and decided to help me write the recap, despite having never seen the show. We hope you enjoy this brilliant collaboration.]
We open in a mine, and learn the history of the Everwood coal mines. Cut to the mines today, where some blue-collar people walk around. Irv says that the mine used to be closed, but now it's open. Cut to Beau Bridges, checking his mail. Cut to James Earl Jones in his kitchen. Darth Vader makes a sandwich.
Cut -- and what's with all the cutting? -- to Treat's office. He delivers some bad news to Bright's high school guidance counselor and his very bitter coal-miner wife, Ellie. They will not be having a baby. Ellie responds to this news by saying, "I'm gonna go dig some coal." As she leaves the scene, you can hear her whispering, "This will be the worst recap ever written."
Allison says it's lucky that I have her here to help me, since she is an expert in occupational health, and that's what this episode is about. The guidance counselor is mad because he says Ellie's job in the coal mine is what's keeping them from getting pregnant. Marital strife ensues. Ellie, who resembles Martina Navratilova on several levels, calls the guidance counselor's manhood into question by telling him, "You make it hard to want to do much of anything with you." In lieu of his real name, Allison thinks we should call him "Unfortunate Balding Man." After Ellie shuts him down, Unfortunate Balding Man leaves in a huff. Ellie and Treat discuss the possibility that Unfortunate Balding Man is correct, and that her job is the problem. The real issue here, as we all know, is that Unfortunate Balding Man should have never married a coal-mining tennis-playing lesbian.
Cut to the coal mine, where Ellie, though she's been working at a coal mine for over fifteen years, still experiences sexual discrimination at the workplace. Darth Vader and Beau Bridges won't let her into the death-trap elevator. Ellie calls Darth Vader a bastard, and he lets her in. They go down.
Irv says a little something-something about something, and then, "All of a sudden..." and there's a big explosion. A tragic mining accident has just gone down in Everwood. The credits roll, and we do not get the benefit of hearing James Earl Jones say, "This is Everwood."
Back in Everwood, the paramedics respond to the crisis. Treat, Patch, and Rinda rush in where they are not needed. Some guy tells Rinda that there are three survivors trapped in the mine, and hurt badly. Rinda wants to know EVERYTHING about the victims. Shut up, Rinda.
Here is where Allison gives you her expertise in occupational health and safety: This would never happen. The coal mining industry is regulated by the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (or OSHA!), and this mine would most likely would have emergency procedures in place to deal with a tragedy of this kind. We take a slight pause here to mourn the death of Allison's creativity, and pray that she does not have to continue learning OSHA facts for the rest of her sad, sad days.
Treat goes down into the mine. Patch and Rinda follow. We see that the three survivors are Ellie, Beau Bridges, and Darth Vader. Darth Vader's arm is smooshed and pinned underneath a heavy object. Ellie is impaled, and Treat tells her he can't move her because "that thing coming out of you is holding everything where it should be." DIRTY! Ellie takes it all very stoically, and Treat gives her a giant shot.
Rinda administers her special brand of Eastern health care to Beau Bridges, which consists of talking to him like she wants to get up on it. Cut over to Treat and Patch, who are trying to get the heavy-ass beam off Darth Vader's arm. They take precious moments when they could be saving his ARM to discuss the fact that Darth Vader doesn't have any family in Everwood. Somebody is called to cut the beam in tiny pieces so they can lift it.
FLASHBAAAAAAACK!!! Ephram arrives at Darth Vader's house at an unspecified time in the past. He apologizes for scratching DV's car door. Darth Vader says he wants Ephram's car insurance information, so he can charge his ass. They have a very boring exchange which establishes that Darth Vader is Everwood's Resident Cranky Old Black Man. Not to be confused with Irv, who is Everwood's Resident Cheerful and Wise Old Black Man. Ephram doesn't want DV to tell his dad about the accident, and Darth Vader isn't having it. Ephram says he didn't have to even fess up, and could just leave. Darth Vader tells him to knock himself out. Ephram thinks twice about it, and follows Darth Vader into his kitchen, asking if there's anything he can do "around the place" to work off the money for the car door. Suddenly! A vicious canine leaps from the corner and barks his ass off at Ephram. Darth Vader says that Oscar is a "sniffer, not a biter." Oscar is a perv. Darth Vader tells Ephram that with no college degree, he's worth about six dollars an hour, and DV doesn't want him around for one hundred hours. Ephram gives him a look like the feeling is mutual, and starts to pull out his driver's license and insurance information. DV looks like he's about to proposition Ephram for sex, but asks him instead if he knows anything about computers. He clearly wants Ephram to help him set up his Diaryland diary, grumpyoldblackman.diaryland.com. Ephram says of course he does. Darth Vader commands, "Then follow." Ephram gladly puts his wallet back in his pocket, and follows.
Al takes a break here to go record a genius rock song with my husband, but fear not. She will be back in a few minutes.
Ephram follows Darth Vader to a room full of records and musical paraphernalia. Ephram comments that it could be its own country in Epcot. "Italy. Spain. Darth Vader's House, Back Room Of." Ephram sees a guitar. "You got a Les Paul guitar?" Vader replies, "I've got Les Paul's guitar." Darth Vader asks Ephram if he knows about "the eBay...where people sell their grandmothers?" He wants to find an Art Tatum record. Ephram doesn't know Art Tatum, and Darth Vader puts one on. It's all jazz piano. Ephram says those guys are great. "One guy," corrects Darth Vader. Ephram is impressed. Anyway, Darth Vader wants Ephram to help him find some old Art Tatum records that he had when he was but a young Anakin Skywalker. Vader asks Ephram if he plays. Ephram: "Not like that." But lo! Darth Vader will teach him. He opens the piano and starts schooling Ephram on fine jazz piano. He starts to play some bad-ass piano, and Ephram asks him what he's doing in Everwood, playing for no one. Darth Vader tells Ephram, "I don't play for no one, I play for ME." Well.
We cut back to the mine, where poor Darth Vader's arm is still trapped. Oh, no! Does this mean he might not play piano again? That would be sad. Save him, Treat! Save him, I say!
The workers try to cut through the beam, and Rinda tells Treat that he needs to amputate DV's arm, because they've wasted too much time. Yeah, talking about Darth Vader's social life, you dummies. Treat says some medical crap about how he can save the arm. Patch tells him to try. Rinda still wants him to cut it off, but steps back. Of course, Treat performs some medical miraculousness and staves off the bleeding in DV's arm long enough to buy them some time. Why do I suddenly sound like the narrator on Nova?
FLASHBAAAACK!!! Ephram is back at Darth Vader's house, this time with an Art Tatum record he scored from eBay. Darth says he doesn't know how this internet works, but he likes it already. They put on the record, and then make sweet, sweet love to the music. Darth Vader asks Ephram if he can duplicate the song, and he tries futilely, but starts to pick it up after some grumpy old prodding from DV. They flirt a little bit, and Darth Vader tells Ephram to "relax [his] damn shoulders for once." He does, and plays the song perfectly. Ah, real life. Commercial.
Back in the mine. Darth Vader has been rescued and transported up to ground level. Treat is on the phone with Feisty Nurse Edna, who tells him that they're going to be able to save Darth Vader's arm. I guess we're going to have to hear about Beau or Ellie's lives, now. And...yes. It's Beau. His character name is "Daniel Sullivan," but as "Beau" is much faster to type, we're going with that. Patch realizes that Beau is his neighbor, and if Patch's track record is any indication, I'm sure they hate each other. Beau's breathing is erratic. Patch calls Treat over to help. He walks over and tells Rinda that Ellie's in bad shape, and he's all out of tricks. Rinda chirps, "I'm not!" and goes over to give Ellie some genuine Eastern medicinal bullshit. Rinda sticks some pins in Ellie's head, and...all better! God.
Over at Beau's shattered body, Patch is trying to convince Treat to drill through Beau's head to stop the pressure of his subdural hematoma, one of my all-time favorite ailments. I used to wish I'd get one, just so I could say "subdural hematoma" a lot. Not a painful one, though. Anyway. Beau is Patch's neighbor, and he wants to help him real bad. Treat says he can't do it. Patch says he certainly can, as that is one of the things that is so irritating about him. Treat calls for a drill, and...
FLASHBAAAACK!!! Beau is building something in his back yard. Patch walks over in his bathrobe and chastises Beau for making so much noise so early in the morning. Beau don't care none. He's just a good old boy, trying to build him something for his back yard.
Later -- who knows when? This timeline is WHACK -- Patch is out in his front yard watering his zinnias. (Patch has zinnias!) A cement truck passes, presumably headed for Beau's house. Patch noses his way over again, but Beau won't tell him what's going on. It's clearly driving Patch crazy that he can't know, and he tells Rose so that night. Rose pretends to understand, but she's really just thinking about how insane her husband is. Patch says something has to be done about Beau's constant secretive building, and that Rose should be able to as mayor. Rose says she's not about to start shit with the neighbors over some hammering.
Cut to...later that week? Day? Year? Patch, who is the nosiest nose that ever nosed, tries to surreptitiously climb over Beau's fence to spy on him, but ends up falling and busting ass in Beau's bushes. Someone on the forums called this scene "Patch's Fencecapades," and not only could I not agree more that it's the perfect description, but I also think it should be made into a show on ice. Beau still isn't telling Patch what's going on, but Patch sees the blueprints. Beau is building a lighthouse, folks. In his back yard. In Colorado. Patch can't believe any of this, either, and tells Beau that it will never get made. Beau says it will, too, eventually.
Not if Patch can help it. Rose has called a town meeting on the matter of the "Clover Street Lighthouse." Gah. Patch gets up and unveils a tiny model of Beau's lighthouse, complete with a "No Lighthouse" sign tacked to the front. Patch argues against the lighthouse viciously, saying that Everwood is not Babel-by-the-sea, since the town is 1500 miles from the nearest port. Just before Rose asks for a vote, enter Beau.
Beau walks up to the front and gives a very emotional speech about how much he loves Everwood. Al pauses the show here to ask, "Has Beau Bridges had some work done? He looks like he's had a facial peel." ["Working on The Agency will do that to a man." -- Sars] We find out that Beau wants to build a lighthouse because his wife Millie wishes she lived by the sea. Patch expresses his disdain for this by rolling his eyes mightily. Beau feels real bad that he never took his sainted wife to live by the ocean, so now he's going to build her a lighthouse. The town is moved. We are not. When Rose calls for the vote, even Patch votes to keep the lighthouse.
Cut back to the mines, where Treat is drilling into Beau's head with a Dremel Power Tool. His sleeves are covered with BLOOOOOD. The blooooood of Beau Briiiiidgeeees. Rinda tears up in the background. More bloooood splashes onto Treat. Icky scalp shots. Treat and Patch perform emergency surgery, and it seems to work. Everyone is relieved, and Rinda tells Treat, "I never knew you were such a cowboy." Treat replies, "I don't always wear the hat." Allison replies, "I am liking these people in spite of themselves. Now I have to die."
While the doctors are congratulating themselves, Ellie stops breathing. Commercial.
Treat and Rinda try to revive Ellie. They figure out that Ellie has been bleeding internally the entire time. Treat asks if anyone has Type A or O negative blood. Patch says Rinda does, but Rinda say, "Oh, no! No Type A or O for me! You thinking of Daddy!" Everyone gets really dramatic and starts performing crazy medical procedures that, in real life, would result in instant death. But not in Everwood, baby. Treat asks if anyone has called Unfortunate Balding Man to inform him of his lesbian wife's mining accident.
Cut to Unfortunate Balding Man, who is attempting to make coffee at work. He is stupid and cannot, and spills it on himself. UBM walks into the hall and catches Amy Abbott cutting class. He says he's going to call her parents, and Amy tells him to please not this time. He says he has to. Amy acts like the bitch that she is, and tells UBM, "Wow. That's incredibly cool of you." Allison would like to say that she truly does hate all teenagers.
Cut to Unfortunate Balding Man again, getting shot down by the principal, who says the school can't afford to hire him full-time. UBM makes a constipated face and stomps off. Then, as if his day weren't bad enough, UBM runs into Bright Abbott, who tries to blow their meeting off. UBM is thinking to himself, "God, I hate those Abbott children." Bright sighs and says he'll go to the damn meeting. UBM tries to get Bright to change his college essay topic about who he'd like to meet or whatever from "Neo from The Matrix" to JFK. Bright doesn't wanna. They argue, and blah blah blah.
UBM gets so mad that he nearly has a stroke, kicks Bright out of his office after the LONGEST SCENE EVER, and then they make up outside by Unfortunate Balding Man's car. The point of this little scene is to let everyone know that the real hero in Bright's life was Colin. He says that Colin is the person he admired most, and UBM encourages him to write his essay about Colin. Bright leaves, and UBM's phone rings. I wonder, wonder, wonder who it could be. Commercial.
In the parking lot of the mines, we find out that Ellie is okay. But Treat knows somehow that Ellie's uterus has been damaged, and he breaks this news to UBM. Allison wants to know if Treat has X-ray vision, and if so, why he isn't on Smallville. Treat tells Unfortunate Balding Man that Ellie won't have babies, but all UBM cares about is that his lesbian wife is okay. The other Everwoodsians, exhausted and covered in dirt, head home. Crisis averted, and another MEOW is over.
Abbott House. Rinda and Patch collapse on the couches and chat. They make a little small talk, then Patch hits Rinda with, "So are you going to tell me why you lied today?" Patch says he knows Rinda lied because he knows she's A negative, because he's B positive when they were little she would tease him about getting a half letter grade lower on the blood test. Ho HO! Blood humor is a real knee-slapper. Rinda says that all her time in Africa exposed her to all kinds of blood-borne illnesses, and she didn't want to risk passing something like hepatitis on to someone else. Which we all know is a big fat lie. Allison, however, wants everyone to know that she's glad Rinda is hip to hep. Rose comes in and babbles on incessantly about what heroes Patch and Rinda are. She reports that everyone is okay.
Cut to the Brown House, where Ephram is poignantly practicing his Darth-style piano skillz. Treat comes in, sees Ephram playing, and smiles the biggest Treat-grin of the episode. Ephram and Treat talk about Darth Vader, whom Treat didn't know Ephram knew. We find out that Darth's arm is going to be fine, and he will play again. Treat notices a dog on the couch, and Ephram tells his dad that he picked up Darth Vader's dog, Oscar, to take care of him while he was gone. Aw. Ephram reports that the kitchen is full of pies, because everyone is so happy about Treat saving those people. Treat isn't sure he's pie-worthy, because he was so scared down in the mines. They talk more about Treat's fear, Ephram reassures his dad, blah blah blah sweetness-cakes.
Beau's lighthouse. Patch Abbott, who really does have a heart, has rallied the town to finish Beau's lighthouse for him. Patch is in love with his bullhorn, and calls down orders to everyone. The Browns are all there to help, including Delia, who gets one measly line. Treat finds Rinda, they make eyes at each other, and she tells him that he's the coolest for saving Darth Vader's arm. Treat argues. It sounds a little something like this: "You're schmoopy." "No, YOU'RE schmoopy." "NO! YOU are the schmoopy!!!!" Strummy la-la music plays as the town continues work on the lighthouse, and we fade to a shot of Everwood at night, the finished lighthouse glowing in the distance and bugging the crap out of everyone trying to sleep within its radius.