Previously: The Browns move to Everwood, Colorado, after the death of Dr. Brown's wife. Ephram kisses Amy, whose boyfriend just woke up from a coma. Dr. Brown sets up camp permanently in Everwood.
Camera pans over photos of dead Mrs. Brown, as a weird and off-putting VO tells us that one of the hard things about being a father is not knowing what possessions are yours anymore. Is that supposed to be Treat Williams? Because it sounds nothing like him. Whatever. It's supposed to be all homey and heartwarming, but it mostly makes no sense.
The camera pans over to Delia. This little kid is gorgeous. She's also eerily similar looking to the moppet on 7th Heaven. She wakes up and sniffs the air. Cut to Ephram, who does the same thing. All three Browns meet in the hall. Dr. Brown asks if they were cooking. He says it smells great. Ephram snarks that that's why they were suspicious.
Delia runs into the kitchen downstairs. It's their grandparents, the Hoffmans, and they're cooking up a storm. This show got gypped in the music budget department -- everything sounds like third-rate leavings from an after-school special. Dr. Brown is not so pleased to see them, but makes nice and asks when they got there. Grandma Hoffman makes disparaging comments about the small-townness of Everwood. Dr. Brown looks perturbed. Grandma Hoffman looks like something from The Dark Crystal, frankly. In fact, with the exception of Delia, most of the characters on this show kind of look like they were made in Jim Henson's workshop. Scary. Ephram tells Grandma Hoffman he wants two pieces of French toast. She tells him he's wasting away to nothing, and to eat four. Everyone talks about how great it is that the Hoffmans are there. "Sure is," Dr. Brown says through gritted teeth.
Pan over some shots of Colorado mountains. They sure are pretty. And big. And white. Oh -- it's the credits. Duh.
Brown House Of Uninvited In-Laws. Grandma Hoffman is showing Delia some frou-frou dress that she bought for her. Delia looks less than thrilled. She asks if there's anything else. Grandma Hoffman chuckles as if to say, "How cute! I love it when she's unappreciative," and gives her a bag of black-and-white cookies. Mmmm…black-and-white cookies. Then she gives her a Bonne Bell lip gloss so she can keep her lips "shiny and pretty." Isn't she a little young for that? Delia mostly looks confused.
Delia weasels her way out of going to school by saying she wants to show "Nonny" and Grandpa around Everwood. Ephram tries to get in on it, too, but Dr. Brown is having none of it. Dr. Brown not-so-subtly asks Jacob Hoffman how long they're in town for. Jacob calls him on it, in his jovial Grandfather of the Year way. Dr. Brown says he wants to plan for "food and stuff." Jacob points out that it's been months, and he hadn't called them for a visit. Hey! Nonny Nonny says that they'll go to the store, and to pretend that they're not there. Dr. Brown is gritting his teeth so hard you can almost hear the TMJ developing as he says, "I could never do that." He escapes to the office, but not before joking that he'll let Jacob look at some patients if he wants to stop by later. Jacob snips that he couldn't do that, because he charges his patients. Dr. Brown walks away, wondering if he could get away with punching an old man.
Ephram's Bedroom Of Angst. He's getting ready for school. In comes Dr. Brown. He asks Ephram if he knew they were visiting. Ephram says he knew they were coming, but they didn't say when. Dr. Brown: "Now that they're here, do me a favor. You know how you usually behave?" Ephram: "Distant and miserable?" Dr. Brown: "Yeah. Do the opposite." Is Dr. Brown moonlighting as a summer stock director?
Brown's Clinic Of Helping The Helpless. In comes Dr. Brown, holding a broom and a bag of groceries. Edna grouses, "That better not be for me." Ah! A Sassy Secretary! And they made her a senior citizen rather than black. Dr. Brown says he needs her help, since the Hoffmans have arrived. Edna says, "They're old people. Plop 'em in front of the TV and toss 'em a bag of chips every half-hour." Dr. Brown says she doesn't know the Hoffmans -- not only is Jacob Surgeon of the Century, he was Father of the Year as well. Edna sympathizes, telling him about her commander in Da Nang who not only resuscitated over fifty patients, but also still managed to bake cookies for the troops. Edna concludes her story by muttering, "Bitch." Dr. Brown says he still wins, because her commander isn't coming to the office to judge her every move. Edna tells him to take a breath and go see a patient, while she dusts.
Touched By A Patient. Ew, not like that. Turns out that Ben, the little kid waiting for Dr. Brown, doesn't have a problem himself -- he wants a free house call for his father, who is extremely overweight and can't move.
School Of Unrequited Love. Amy is hauling an enormous gym bag. Ephram offers help, which she refuses. He asks if she doesn't want to talk to him, or if she's showing solidarity with the feminist movement, since he can respect both. Ephram is wearing what looks like a windbreaker, while Amy is wearing a thin jacket. You know, isn't Colorado supposed to be kind of chilly? What month is it, anyhow? Oh my God. I have turned into my mother. Amy and Ephram talk about the kiss. Amy tells him to forget about it, then not-so-subtly segues into how the bag's full of clothes, since she's going straight to the hospital and will be there every weekend until Colin comes home. Ephram asks dully if that means she won't be at the party that weekend. Amy says chirpily, "No can do." Ephram says edgily that it's a shame -- he'd never partied in a canyon, since New Yorkers are more basement people. Amy tells him that just because she's not going doesn't mean he can't go. He says he knows that. Amy says she has to leave. Ephram looks after her longingly.
The One Diner In Everwood. Delia tells Hey! Nonny Nonny that they eat there a lot. Hey! Nonny Nonny asks if her father doesn't cook a meal every once in a while. From behind them Edna says, "Only if he's feeling cruel." Delia salutes Edna, and they high-five each other. She introduces her to H! NN, who looks less than pleased. Delia sums up the first eight episodes by telling her that Edna works for her dad, took her to the Army base, then helped her find God, and that she rides a motorcycle. H! NN snarks that a motorcycle at Edna's age seems rather dangerous, but what does she know? Edna gives her the hairy eyeball and says dryly, "You must be Delia's great-great-grandmother." Heh. I know it's shameless manipulation, but I can't help it -- I like Edna. She's sass-tastic.
Delia introduces H! NN by saying she's from New York, where the good bagels come from. Did the writers at Everwood stock up on clichés or what? We get it, we get it! Edna tells Delia that they can delay Operation Pick-Up until later, since her grandparents are in town. Delia says they can bring H! NN along with her. Edna explains that she was going to show Delia how to change a tire, and how the engine works. There's a disturbing close-up of H! NN's Dark Crystal-esque face that I just cannot deal with. I am shallow. This is TV, right? I want smooth, unlined senior citizens who only have carefully etched "character lines" that Botox couldn't take care of. H! NN stiffens her spine and asks when the tire seminar is taking place, and says that she and Delia will be there.
International Home Of House Calls. Dr. Brown and Ben walk in to find Ben's dad parked in front of the TV. He's incredibly overweight. Mr. O'Connell says he's doing fine, and apologizes for putting him to the trouble of coming over. Mr. O'Connell does the Exposition Dance -- in his case, though, it's more of a lurch -- by saying that he's had his sciatica act up before, and if he just lies there for a while it goes away, but it means he and his son are going to miss the big Father-Son Fly-Fishing Festival tomorrow. Mr. O'Connell brags about Ben's fishing prowess. Dr. Brown asks if he can examine Mr. O, and if Ben's mom can take him back to school. Ben explains that she doesn't live there anymore. Mr. O'Connell lovingly tells him to get on his bike and get back to school. Ben and Dr. Brown look equally wistful. Ben asks Dr. Brown to promise that he'll help his dad.
Brown's House Of Usurping Grandparents. Ephram plays while Jacob Hoffman sings "My Way." Also, what kind of name is "Ephram"? It's vaguely Biblical, but mostly it reminds me of that old Eddie Murphy routine -- back when he was funny -- about how this kid named Effram Robinson used to kick his ass up and down the sidewalk back in his old neighborhood. Dr. Brown walks in holding a pizza. Jacob tells Ephram that the duet was fabulous and perfect. Dr. Brown says, "Somewhere, Sinatra is smiling." Yes, but only if he's smiling in rigor mortis. Yeesh. Jacob looks at his watch and comments that it's eight o'clock. Dr. Brown shrugs self-deprecatingly and says he stopped to get them a pizza. It's a tiny, tiny pizza, by the way -- it would barely feed one person, let alone five. Ephram says they already ate. They discuss how good Ephram sounded on the piano. Jacob says that he sounds great, especially considering that it's been months since he had a lesson. Dr. Brown mutters something about how they're still looking for the right teacher. Ephram mutters that that's news to him. Jacob says admonishingly that some things a kid shouldn't have to ask a parent. Jacob's a preachy little shit, isn't he? I kind of hate him. H! NN comes down with extra sheets, and she and Dr. Brown do the Politeness Hustle about who is taking whose bed. H! NN gives in with shocking quickness and hands the sheets to him. Jacob asks to see what Ephram's learning in school. As they leave, Dr. Brown hears him say, "What kind of house is this? It's like an oven in here!" He sighs.
Garage Of Dueling Grandmother Figures. Edna is showing Delia how to change a tire. H! NN stands off to the side, looking useless and appalled. Delia asks if she can go under the truck. H! NN shouts, "No!" just as Edna tells her it's fine. Edna tells her that Delia wants to see how everything works. H! NN says the truck could fall on her head. Delia chirps that she'll be careful, and slides under the truck. H! NN asks why Delia knows how to change a tire. Edna says it's in case she gets stranded somewhere with a flat. H! NN says that's why God invented Triple-A. Edna asks why Delia should grow up learning to depend upon others. H! NN asks what's so wrong with asking for help. Edna snips that maybe H! NN likes people waiting on her hand and foot, but Delia is a strong little girl. H! NN says that she doesn't need her to tell her what her granddaughter is. Delia hollers that she might be stuck under the truck. Well, it's a moot point, ladies, when Darwinism comes into play. H! NN hauls Delia out and clucks over what a mess she is. She licks her thumb and starts rubbing away the grease stain on her face. Edna says, "Between dirt on my face and spit on my face, I'd rather take the dirt." Hah! It's official -- I want Edna to marry me. H! NN leads Delia away and tells her that they're going to a poetry reading at The Only Diner In Everwood. Delia looks bummed. H! NN says it's not the Met, but they'll make do. Delia asks Edna if she wants to have culture with them. I love how she asks like it's soup or something. Edna says she's not big on poetry. H! NN says, "What a surprise." Edna does an about-face and says she's always up for new things. H! NN says, "Whatever you want, Delia."
A River Runs Through It. More bad after-school special music plays as some truly gorgeous scenery rolls by. Jacob and Ephram are standing knee-deep in water. Jacob says he can't believe that Andy hasn't taken Ephram out here before. Ephram says that fly-fishing really isn't his thing. Jacob snarks that he can't believe the new, furry, waffle-making and PTA-meeting-attending Andy wouldn't think of such a thing. They both laugh. Someone calls out, "Hey freakazoid!" Ephram turns a little too quickly. It's Bright Abbott, and his dad, the other doctor in town. Bright says that he didn't know Ephram liked fly-fishing; Ephram tells Bright that he didn't know he moonlighted as a condom. Since when are condoms bright orange? That joke makes very little sense. Introductions go all around. Patch Abbott snarks on Dr. Brown. They wish each other the best and turn away. Patch says it's time to kick some fish butt. Bright asks if fish even have butts. Patch tells him to leave it alone. Fun guy.
Jacob comments, "Funny guy." Ephram says that at least he himself thinks so, but that the rest of the family isn't so bad. He spills his guts about Amy, and the fact that he kissed her while her comatose boyfriend was being operated on by Dr. Brown. Jacob says, "Who do you think you are, Russell Crowe?" which should've made me laugh, but didn't. I don't know if it's the actor or the character or both, but I keep getting the feeling that Jacob is going to rip off his face and reveal that he's an android. Jacob asks what his father says about this. Ephram says that they don't talk about it. Jacob says, "Not even the new Andy?" and then they go back to fly-fishing.
O'Connell's House Of Overweightness. You know, if there were more screaming and some women in halter tops, this subplot would be on Ricki Lake. Dr. Brown has outfitted Mr. O'Connell with a new back brace. Ben listens as Dr. Brown tells him he has to lose weight or his problems will get worse. Mr. O'Connell says that he's genetically programmed to be fat. Dr. Brown says he could have surgery, but Mr. O'Connell says his insurance would never cover it. Dr. Brown says he'll make some calls, and leaves. Ben trots up and asks if he's really going to do as he says. Dr. Brown promises.
More shots from the tourist industry of Colorado (or Vancouver). Ephram and Bright are fishing by each other. They exchange potshots. Bright tells Ephram that he has to come to the canyon party tonight, since Amy will be there. He does a quick recap of the hospital scene, and tells Ephram he has to be there since he's the only one who can make his sister smile. Then they kiss. Totally kidding. Then Patch Abbott hollers that he caught a fish, and engages in a little slapstick. Bright and Ephram flash each other a look of mutual understanding.
Brown's House Of Perpetual Misunderstanding. Andy's on the phone with an insurance company about Mr. O'Connell, getting the runaround. He hangs up on them and puts on his nice face as Ephram and Jacob walk in. He asks how the contest went. Ephram says woodenly, "Do you see any fish?" I don't understand why Amy even has to make a choice between Colin and Ephram; one was in a coma, and Ephram acts like he's in one. Andy says he's going to take them out to dinner at Gino Chang's. Jacob looks pleased. Ephram says he can't, since he has a party to go to that night. Out of nowhere, a fight comes up; Andy tells Ephram that his grandfather's only in town for a little bit. Jacob tries to intervene, but Andy tells him he'll handle it, then lays down an ultimatum, and says Ephram either goes to dinner or he stays in his room. Ephram stomps upstairs. Andy shakes his head and says to Jacob that says he has to be tougher than he wants to be sometimes. Jacob turns around and says, "You don't know what the hell you're doing, do ya?" Ah-hah! Now the android shows his true colors! Andy, startled at the attack, turns around. Jacob points out that he grounds Ephram for wanting to do a normal, Saturday-night activity, but that he lets him quit the piano without a word, and that the kid's obviously unhappy and lonely and has no friends. The man does have a point. ["On the other hand, those aren't exactly unusual circumstances for a kid Ephram's age, especially one who just lost his mom and moved to a new town; I'm not sure I see why they couldn't give him a bit more time to adjust before deciding that he's flailing." -- Sars] Andy says he didn't ask for his criticism; he's doing his best. Jacob says it's not good enough. Ouch ouch ouch. Andy says that's a heck of a thing to say after twenty-four hours with them. Jacob says he never took an interest in Ephram before, and now it's finally catching up with him, and thank God his daughter isn't alive to see this. Andy says that in light of the fact that his wife is dead, Jacob could show a little consideration, especially since he's a guest in Andy's house. Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch OUCH. Jacob turns away, and says that he'll be damned if he'll let Andy undo everything his daughter did. Ow! Ow! Ow! Family conflict makes my stomach hurt, especially when it's done effectively.
Ephram's Room Of Crappy Metal Music. Dr. Brown approaches his room just as Ephram turns the music up and grabs his coat. Ephram climbs out onto the roof. "I can't believe I'm going to kill myself for a kegger," he says to himself, as he drops to the ground. Oh, Ephram -- we've all been there. "All righty, then," he says, and wraps his coat more tightly around himself. Why oh why did he not grab a scarf? A hat? Gloves?
The Only Diner In Everwood. A woman says they're taking a ten-minute intermission and says, "Don't go nowhere!" Whuh? Is this show of poor grammar meant to show what hicks the townspeople are? Over in a booth, H! NN winces and asks pointedly, "This is Everwood's cultural epicenter?" of Edna. Edna deadpans, "The local video store carries Run, Lola, Run." Oh, Edna -- I would totally take you as my Grandmother Figure any day. Please come over and show me how to rewire my stereo. Delia fidgets and complains about her tights. H! NN tells her to stop fussing. Edna asks why she just doesn't take 'em off. H! NN says because she's from New York, where women gladly suffer for beauty. Okay, now I know it's elder abuse, but I could gladly smack H! NN now. Edna looks the same. Delia grouses that her legs are really sweaty. She asks how many more people there are in the program. Edna points out that some of it might be over her head. H! NN gets all snooty and says that her granddaughter enjoyed both The Nutcracker and Carmen, so a few hick poets certainly aren't over her head. Edna says that it's not going to get any better, so they should just leave. H! NN snoots that you don't leave the theater before the end of the performance. Sure you do, H! NN -- you only stay if you're a masochist. Edna says that it's not a theater; she's sitting on an onion ring. This country mouse vs. city mouse banter goes on for a while, culminating in H! NN saying that the Hoffmans have higher standards. Delia chooses that moment to slap her tights on the table and ask if she can have some dinner.
O'Connells'. Dr. Brown pops in. He tells Mike that he called some friends in New York; they'll do his gastric bypass, and all Mike would be out is the price of a plane ticket. Mike thanks him, but basically says that he's resigned to die prematurely. Dr. Brown tries to convince him, but Mike turns the TV back on and firmly says goodnight. Dr. Brown leaves. Ben watches worriedly.
Canyon Of Carousing. Large bonfires burn. Ephram asks if this hood is taken, and sits to Amy. He says he saw an actual coyote waiting in line for the keg. When did Ephram turn into Buddy Hackett? Ephram tells her he looks nice. A random extra walks by and offers to teach Amy how to do a body shot. Yes, nothing like frozen saliva to really sex things up! Amy, I'd like to point out, is wearing a heavy jacket and a scarf. Smart girl. Ephram asks pointedly how she's doing -- really. She smiles and says she's great. He keeps asking. She freezes up. Ephram fumbles and tries to reassure her that waiting for someone to recover can be tougher on the person waiting than the patient. Amy snaps and asks how he would know. Ephram fumbles some more and said he asked his dad, and that it's clear that she's stressed out, and she should take a break, maybe move on a little bit. Amy looks at him and says that maybe it's time for him to move on, and leaves. Ephram is bummed. At least, he blinks a little more rapidly than usual. He motions to the guy with the tequila bottle, and takes a swig.
The Only Diner In Everwood. The only black guy in Everwood gets off the stage. The MC thanks everyone for coming. Delia is asleep on the diner table. The MC asks everyone to please wear deodorant at the interpretive dance show. Edna asks when she fell asleep. H! NN says she's a little angel, and that she looks exactly like her daughter, Julia. The Grandmother Figures then bond. H! NN confides in Edna that Delia will forget Julia, and that she's not nearby, so she can't remind her about her mother, and that she feels as if she knows Delia even less than she did before. Edna reassures her. Edna tells her that Delia has H! NN's chin. H! NN agrees, but since Delia's face-down on the table, I don't know how they can tell.
Carousing Canyon. Ephram is drunk. He asks a couple a question, but they're too busy making out to answer. He runs into Tequila Boy and says that he has to pee. Tequila Boy rolls his eyes and tells him to use the bushes. Duh. Ephram talks to the bush as he pees on it. The dialogue is beyond dumb. Meanwhile, the cops pull up behind him. Ephram freezes.
Brown House Of Total Meltdown. Andy gets the door, only to see a sheepish Ephram escorted by a cop. The cop asks if this is his son. Andy says that it can't be, since his son is safely upstairs and in bed. The cop tells him that Ephram was publicly intoxicated -- which, personally, I think is better than being privately intoxicated, since drinking alone really means you have A Problem -- and underage, but since that he's never been in trouble before, they brought him home instead of taking him to jail. The cop says, "But if we catch him again…" only to have Andy cut him off by saying, "If you catch him again, you better keep him." The cop leaves. Andy says, "You gotta be kidding me." Ephram asks if he really wants to do this right now. Andy asks if he's drunk. Ephram says not enough, but they can fix that if Andy tosses him a Heineken. Andy reams him, not so much for the drinking as for the timing -- did he really have to do this when his grandfather was here? Ephram snarks that he's right, that it really is all about Andy. He makes fun of his attempts to be Superdad, and then sneers that his grandparents aren't buying it. He leans in and says confidingly, "Listen -- you raise my allowance, and I'll promise to give you a hug in front of Grandpa." Ouch ouch ouch ouch OUCH. Andy orders him upstairs and says that he's not talking to him like this anymore. Ephram goes upstairs and shouts that he should drink more often, since Andy's not talking to him is the best idea, ever.
The morning. Frantic knocking at the door. Andy gets off the couch. It's Ben, who whines that Dr. Brown promised that he would help, and maybe if he pays him, it would make a difference. He hands Andy some bills. I find this actor incredibly petulant and irritating. Andy points out that Ben's father refused his help. Ben whines that he has to make him interested. Andy says it's not that simple. Ben says that he's his dad, and can't Dr. Brown try one more time, for him?
Grocery Store Of Grandfatherliness. Ephram is holding a bag of frozen veggies to his head. He asks if it's really possible that H! NN really wants four cartons of eggs. Jacob says that they don't question, they just obey, and that they should get Ephram some aspirin. Jacob gives Ephram the "when I was a child, I acted as a child, but now that I am a man, I put away childish things" speech, sprinkled with stories from his own faszzzzzz…oh, sorry, I dozed off there. Anyway, he tells Ephram to figure out what it is that he wants, and to work toward that. He says, "Getting what you want is easy. It's knowing what you want that's the challenge. That's what separates the men from the boys. You know what I mean?" Ephram says, "No, not really." Jacob drops a few more homilies in that vein, and then wheels the cart away, only to have Irony -- I mean, "Amy Abbott" crash into him. Amy says, "Ephram! Is -- is this your grandfather?" Ephram introduces them. Jacob picks up on his cue, and takes off. Amy makes some chit-chat about the party. Ephram responds monosyllabically. Amy asks, "How long were you there?" Ephram says stonily, "Long enough to move on." He walks away.
Brown House Of Gender Segregation. You know, other than the first scene, I haven't seen Delia interact with her grandfather, or Ephram with his grandmother, once. Creepy! Delia asks what H! NN is doing, and H! NN says that if Delia wants the good French toast, she has to make the challah from scratch. Holy cooking martyrdom, Batman! That means that Delia has to wait like, a day for some French toast. Delia asks if she can help. H! NN says that she thought Delia was helping Edna with the tires. Delia said she can do that any day. H! NN cheers up, and hands a piece of dough to Delia. She asks Delia if her mother ever told her her famous Shabbat story. Delia is staring intently and trying to copy H! NN's movements as she rolls out the dough. She says that she doesn't remember. H! NN tells an extremely long story about how Julia mother was chosen to lead a prayer at the local yeshiva, but she backed out because she had to have her head covered to lead the prayer and she wanted everyone to see her French braid. Oy, what a brat! The point of the story is that no one could tell Julia Hoffman what to do. Delia smiles, and asks H! NN if she's rolling out the dough right. H! NN says she's doing it just perfect.
O'Connell House. O'Connell opens the door, and now he's annoyed. Dr. Brown says Ben came to his house this morning. O'Connell apologizes. Dr. Brown says he would give anything to have the same rapport with his son. He says he needs to help Ben by helping himszzzzzzz…oh, sorry about that. I think they should rename this show Touched by a Doctor, except then it should be shown on Cinemax rather than the WB. O'Connell confesses that he's afraid of going through the surgery and still being in poor health, and he can't fail in front of Ben that way. Dr. Brown says something reassuring, but I wasn't paying attention, because it sounds like every other reassuring thing that he just said. O'Connell tears up and asks how much a plane ticket costs.
Brown's House Of Shattered Egos. Andy, all chipper from his ministering angel duties, enters to find Ephram and Jacob in deep conversation. He asks what's going on. Jacob says that Ephram wants to move back to New York with them. Andy is stunned. Jacob asks Ephram to give them a minute alone. He gets up, and looks semi-guiltily at Andy. Andy walks over and accuses Jacob of trying to take Ephram away from him. Jacob says that they were just talking, but it's true that Ephram isn't doing well. Jacob points out that he was more present for him than Andy has ever been. Jacob then likens Andy to a tumor, and tells him that they need to excise the problem so the patient can get better. Andy says that Jacob has no idea how hard it's been. Jacob says that he can see Andy trying, but that the problem is too big; they have an easy fix, and what's more, it's what Ephram wants. Jacob twists the knife by telling Andy some story about how well he and Ephram get along. He tells him to think about it, and gets up. Andy looks up a picture of his dead wife holding Ephram as a baby.