Everwood TV Show - Friendly Fire - Everwood Recaps, Everwood Reviews, Everwood Episodes | TWoP

Recapped by Couch Baron · Aired 2002-09-30

School. Ephram closes his locker. He sees Amy with her two bitch friends, one of whom stage-whispers something about "Geek Boy." They run away at the sight of the guy over whom they'll be scratching each other's eyes out in a few years. Ephram notes his ability to clear a hallway, and Amy explains that "Kayla" and "Paige" are "allergic to anyone who's not at the top two popularity percentile." Rather than point out Amy's inflated ego, Ephram notes that he's only 98 percent short. Not in our forums, babe. A little exposition designed to tell us that Amy does ballet ensues, and then Ephram spectacularly chickens out of asking her on a date. Ephram, it pains me to have to call you "Wuss Boy" after being annoyed with Bitch #1 for calling you "Geek Boy." I'm very upset now. Thanks a lot, Wuss Boy. Amy walks off, and behind Ephram, Justin from Bring It On babbles something about calf implants and chicken legs. I'm thinking Ephram is now only ninety-seven percent short. Justin proffers his hand and introduces himself as "Wendell," but Ephram doesn't shake it, and turns to go. You know, after lines like, "Look, Mom, her head is spinning off into another dim-EN-sion!" it pains me to see Cody McMains playing the annoying geek role here, but on the bright side, he's nowhere near as irritating as Friedman on Joan of Arcadia. I'm still calling him Justin, though. ["We haven't seen this kid in, like, a year -- I miss him, actually." -- Sars] Justin keeps Ephram's attention by saying that Amy "worships at the shrine of Coma Boy every weekend," and if Ephram wants to break her of the habit, he'll need help. Ephram tries to snit off again. Ephram, I know this kid's annoying, but since everyone else but Amy in this school acts like leprosy would make you more socially acceptable, you might consider sparing him two minutes of your time. Justin chases after him and blathers about services and romantic pursuits and dossiers, and then promises to call Ephram with a plan. We don't see Ephram's reaction, but I imagine it's akin to "Shut it, Friedman."

By Couch Baron

Treat tells his patient, a portly older guy, that everything he has is treatable, but his blood pressure level concerns him. The guy counters that his pressure will drop as soon as he's out of there, as Edna makes him nervous. "We went steady in the fifth grade. She introduced me to hickeys and shoplifting." Treat: "Right." Hee. But seriously, the fifth grade? That's pretty, er, precocious. Treat says he wants to have "Walter" come back in a couple weeks, but Walter is uncomfortable doing that if Treat won't take his money. So with the discomfort over the money and the Edna nervousness, why didn't this guy just keep seeing Patch? Is Patch unpleasant enough to override those concerns? Okay, I'm all caught up here. Walter offers Treat the use of his boat, called the Sea Breeze. Mmm, Sea Breeze. That sounds good right about now. It's the dead of winter, you say? What's your point? Anyway, Treat accepts the keys. Walter opens the door to leave, and runs into Mrs. Baxworth, who's all, "We need to talk, Doctor Brown. Now."

Elementary school yard. Some kids are playing games, and some are eating lunch. Delia comes out of the school with a tray of food. She looks around, and sees a tough-looking boy sitting alone at a large table. He's banging two rocks together. Is that the Colorado version of playing with matches? Delia sits down, but he informs her that it's his table. She asks if they can share it. His expression makes it look like he's trying to blow her away with the power of his mind, but all that happens is that her napkin flies away instead. Keep working at it, kid. That'll be a handy skill to have. Anyway, while Delia is retrieving her lost serviette, the kid steals the cookie off her tray. She returns, notices, and sadly picks up her tray. She sits down on the stone wall nearby. Aw. Kids suck.

Treat explains to Mrs. Baxworth that Nina and her child share no genetic material. I think Treat is trying to educate here, but he's really loose-lipped about people's medical conditions. I suppose Nina isn't a patient of his yet, but I still think he could err on the side of zipping it. Mrs. Baxworth wonders how Nina's husband feels about this, and I know Treat's her -door neighbor and all, but he's been in town for like, a month. I don't think Nina would have confided in Treat to that degree yet, and Shutup Carl's probably been following the White Party for the last several weeks. Nah, the Gay Rodeo's more likely. Hey, do you think guys at the Gay Rodeo ask guys they're interested in, "So, do you like to be tied up?" Now I'm going to have to attend -- I must know the answer to this question. Treat says he imagines Nina's husband is fine with it, like, duh, Mrs. Baxworth. Mrs. Baxworth, though, steamrolls on, asking Treat if he would let his wife...let's get a second helping on that "duh," Mrs. Baxworth. In fact, why don't you take one for the road. Mrs. Baxworth manages to apologize despite the sensible shoe she has wedged in her esophagus, but Treat, not especially bothered, says he has a lot of patients to see. Mrs. Baxworth theorizes that Nina's doing it for the money. I'm fresh out of "duh" here, people. She thinks Nina and her husband must be destitute, and suggests that she and Treat co-chair a fundraiser to allow Nina to get out of the contract and keep the baby. Treat's like, uh, no, you nosy harpy, and closes the door in her face. Finally.

By Couch Baron

Mama Joy's. Some dude gives Nina a twenty-dollar tip. Patch is eating at the counter when Treat comes in and asks if the seat to him is taken. Patch: "Oh, that it were." Hee. Snark's always better in the subjunctive. Treat grins that he's never had lunch there, and asks Patch if he eats there every day. Patch: "I used to." Give them a spinoff, already. I know it's only the third episode, but still. Some woman gives Nina a sixty-dollar tip. Well, that makes Mr. $20 look awfully cheap. Thanks, lady! Nina points out that "Martha" has never tipped her before, and Martha counters that she's catching up. Seriously, keep it, Nina. She doesn't, but instead loudly asks everyone what's up. When no one answers, she gets up on a chair with Treat's assistance and announces that she's neither poor nor a charity case. Apparently, her cousin in Boulder asked her if she'd be interested in helping an old friend of hers. The woman is single and teaches comparative religion, and is "unable to carry a child to full term." Rather glib there, Nina, I have to point out. And really, I don't think it's anyone's business what Nina does, but I'm confused why she told anyone in the first place. Couldn't she have come up with a plausible lie for not accepting the baby shower gifts, or some excuse to return them? She must have known that people would ask eventually -- I'm amazed she got to eight and a half months without fielding some questions about her pregnancy. Starting with: "How did your gay absentee husband get you pregnant?"

By Couch Baron

Anyway. Nina goes on that she doesn't think that single women should be deprived of the experience of motherhood, and word to that in general, obviously. She finishes up by saying if anyone has a problem with her doing this, they should speak now, or forever shut up. She might have phrased that differently, though, because when would Patch keep quiet if another choice were available? Sure enough, he pipes up that some people don't believe that medical technology should be put to this end; when people design babies and pay less privileged people to carry them, it's a slippery ethical slope. He certainly has a point here, and Nina did ask. However, he taints his position by going on that as her neighbors, they had a right to know the truth, and that's ten pounds of horseshit in a five-pound gunnysack. Nevertheless, the crowd applauds. Patch too-self-deprecatingly gestures that the applause isn't necessary. Patch, we know you love it. It's tough being an approval-seeking misanthrope. Not that I would know anything about that. Anyway, Treat leaps to Nina's defense, saying that certain advancements in reproductive technology may seem threatening, but without them, things like ultrasound and amniocentesis, essential tools for fetal health, wouldn't be possible. His point is that technology cuts both ways, and while there are indeed ethical questions to be raised in this situation, Nina isn't the kind of person who would make the decision to help bring life into this world without asking herself those questions. "And as for not letting us know sooner, if I knew that I was going to suffer a character assassination from my own doctor in front of half of my friends and neighbors, I'd be inclined to keep a few things to myself too." Treat beams as he gets the same rousing applause. I'm reminded of this exchange from the Whacking Day episode of The Simpsons:

Mayor Quimby: I'm sick of you people! You're nothing but a pack of fickle mushheads!
Random Guy: He's right! Give us hell, Quimby!

Meanwhile, with a sarcastic smile, Patch exaggeratedly tosses his tip on the counter and leaves. Hee.

Elementary school. Delia can't find her jacket. She notices the tough kid bullying that teeny tiny little red-haired kid whose name I don't remember. Oh, I think it's Arnie, actually. Even if that's wrong, he looks like an Arnie. ["It's Arnie." -- Sars] Arnie calls the bully "Magilla." Magilla's not too fond of that moniker: "Say it again and I'll fry your face in fat." Arnie runs off, presumably to tell Mr. Peebles. Delia notices that Magilla has her jacket. She calls after him, but he stalks off. Just offer to take him home, Delia -- then he'll be happy.

By Couch Baron

Treat bastes a chicken. Ephram watches while munching on some pizza, and Treat asks him why he's eating that before dinner. Ephram: "Because I know who's cooking it?" It's been a long ten minutes here, Ephram. Don't leave me alone like that again. The phone rings, and Ephram answers it. It's Justin: "What do you know about Tchaikovsky?" Ephram: "Who is this?" Justin identifies himself, and says if Ephram can swing Swan Lake, he's good with Amy. Ephram: "How did you get this number?" Justin tells him to practice, and hangs up. Treat asks who it was. Ephram: "Sales call." Hee. Come back soon, Ephram. Treat takes the trash out, and runs into Delia and Nina coming in. He tells Delia to wash up for dinner, and to ignore everything Ephram says, as "no one loves a critic." Geez, Treat. You really know how to hurt a recapper. Then again, I could just sit with Ephram in the Critic's Corner...oh, sorry. Treat invites Nina to stay for dinner. She declines, but says she's in the market for a new family doctor. You know, just another point about the state of Nina's finances: It's not like she tripped all over herself to get free medical care. She must be doing all right. Treat hems and haws a bit, but accepts. There's a honk from a car horn, and Nina says it must be her guest: Sarah, the baby's mother. Treat says he'll be right there. After a moment, he looks out the window, and sees Nina greet Sarah. I was casting about for a diplomatic way to describe her when I realized that I could just leave it to Ephram, who reappears with a "Who's the old lady?" Yeah. Actually, she's not that old, but she's certainly past her child-bearing years, and her salt-and-pepper (mostly salt) hair isn't exactly helping her look any younger. Treat stares, perhaps realizing that the slopes of Mount Ethics just got a little slipperier.

Ephram puts some laundry in the washer. Treat enters, observes this, and announces, "I was once a happy sack of hormones myself." Ephram: "Gross. Find another sack to share with." Hee. But if you think Treat's getting less clueless, give him a few minutes. Treat leaves, and Delia enters to tell Ephram that his "friend" Justin is on the phone. Ephram: "He's not my friend. He's a freak." Yeah, Ephram? You might find that those two aren't exactly mutually exclusive. Especially once you get to college. Ephram takes the phone, and Justin gives him a time and place to meet in school, and then hangs up. What's with the hanging up without saying goodbye? Is Justin a Camden? Ephram hangs up and snarks that they're getting Caller ID. Delia says Ephram should be happy he made a friend, because it's not easy. "Everyone in my class has known each other since the '90s." Aw. Ephram tells her that to make friends, she shouldn't look so needy. Delia: "Is it these pants?" Ha! Even Ephram smiled at that one. He tells her she needs to look busy, and gives her a yo-yo. Forgive me, sweet Ephram, but the only person at school besides Justin who will talk to you is hoping that your dad will perform brain surgery on her boyfriend. You'll understand if I wait a bit to engrave "Ephram Is My Friend-Making Guru" on my yo-yo. And to buy said yo-yo.

By Couch Baron

Treat's office. He's weighing Nina. "You want me to round this off to the nearest hundred?" Nina: "I'll hurt you." Ah, the sweet easy flirtation of zzzzz. Oh, sorry. As Treat applies his stethoscope, Nina asks if he's going to say something about Sarah, saying she could tell that he was freaked out. Treat concedes that she's got a few more rings in her trunk that he would have expected. Nina explains that Sarah tried for a number of years to get pregnant, realized she couldn't, and then spent a few years saving up for a surrogate. Treat smiles as he opines that Nina is giving Sarah "an incredible gift." Well, I'm not saying that Nina didn't show some generosity in doing this, but Treat? This gift ain't free. Nina says as much, confiding that she hopes with the extra savings they'll have, she can convince Shutup Carl to come home more. Unless you're going to let him spend the savings on the local hustler population, I wouldn't get your hopes up, Nina. Nina finishes that she's not a single parent by choice. Treat: "Me neither." Aw.

School. Ephram comes up to Justin, who shoves some sheet music at him and tells him he's late. Ephram asks why Justin thinks he likes Amy. Maybe it's the way your brain tends to ooze out of your ears whenever she's around, dearest. It's hard to miss. Justin, bless him, refuses to dignify that with an answer, and instead leads him to a room where the Everwood Swans, Mrs. Baxworth's ballet troupe, rehearses. Justin says he called in a favor to give their pianist "an acute case of carpal tunnel." Ephram's like, huh? Justin says that it's his business: He trades in favors. Um, what do you want for Bright? He babbles on about the deal he made, and says he's getting a DVD player out of it, which makes no sense. He gets in a good line when he calls Mrs. Baxworth "the windbag beneath their wings," and then shoves Ephram inside. Mrs. Baxworth hurries him to the piano as Amy looks surprised to see him. Ephram starts playing, and I see nothing but Will Kemp. And that, my friends, is a fine, fine place to be. Seriously, I saw Matthew Bourne's version of Swan Lake more than once, and Kemp is one of the hottest guys in the world. Woof. Ephram watches Amy as he plays.

By Couch Baron

Elementary school. Delia tries to work the yo-yo, without much success. Magilla comes by and grabs it from her. She tells him it's her brother's. He's unmoved: "Tell your daddy to buy him another one. You're rich." Delia: "No we're not!" Uh, Delia, I saw your place in New York. You're filthy rich. Magilla points out that her dad wouldn't treat (heh) people for free if he weren't rich. For a cretinous gorilla, he's pretty perceptive. Although if everyone thinks she's rich, wouldn't she have some friends? (Hey, that's the real world. Hate the game, not the playa.) Delia looks upset.

Ephram, playing. The girls run around. He finishes the piece, and Mrs. Baxworth applauds. "I'm clapping as the audience, not me. I have much higher standards than this." Hee! She tells the girls she'll see them after school. That's a lot of rehearsal for a plot point that's pretty much dropped after this episode, if memory serves. She compliments Ephram on his playing, but says his left hand needs work. Might have something to do with being a "happy sack of hormones," that. Amy comes over and tells him how great he was, and then invites him to a party that night at Bitch #1's house. Ephram thinks that might not be such a great idea, but Amy talks him into it. Like he even stood a chance. Stuff that grey matter back into your skull, Brown.

Treat's eating at Mama Joy's when Patch plunks down a box on the counter. He explains that the box contains Nina's files, and gives Treat a bit of her medical background. Treat invites him to sit down, but Patch sniffs that he'll be taking his food to go. Nina rolls her eyes, and then ventures out from behind the counter with a pot of coffee. The customers give her a slightly cooler reception than they would the Whore of Babylon. Nina demands to know what's up, and Mr. $20 Tip blurts that Sarah is 55. Hmm. Sounds like she started trying to have a baby pretty late in the game, then. Nina tries to explain, but Treat cuts in that men keep having kids in their seventies, so why should a woman be denied? Nina tries to tell Treat that she's got this one covered, although I don't know what she could be planning to say, but he plows on. She looks like it's an effort for her not to pour the coffee on his head and brain him with the pot. Treat and the crowd babble back and forth, and Nina attempts to salvage the situation, but Treat won't shut up. This makes me long for the days of vaudeville, because there would be a good chance that a large hook would appear and yank Treat off-camera before things get out of hand. Alas, it's not to be; Treat says that Sarah really wants to have a family, and it's the most natural thing in the world to feel that way. "What's unnatural is not wanting one!" Well, it's nice to know that most of my friends will be joining me in hell. I didn't want to be lonely. Treat applies the coup de not: "And let's not forget about Nina! If she can use this money to keep her husband home a few more weeks a year, then she hasn't just helped to create a family. She's helped to save her own!" Cue the tumbleweed, please. Treat attempts to dig his way back from China, but Nina storms off. Patch, highly amused, says that perhaps he'll stay after all. Hee.

By Couch Baron

Elementary school. Delia exits her classroom and puts a cookie in her cubby, ostensibly for Magilla, and then walks off. Aw.

School library. Ephram not-too-furtively watches Amy, who's at another table with Bitches 1 and 2. I feel like I should come up with more distinguishing names for them, though. I'll work on that. Justin appears out of nowhere and asks if Ephram is wondering what they're talking about. Ephram unconvincingly says no. Justin says it's probably not that exciting. "It looks exciting, 'cause of all the wild gesticulating and massive hair flippage that's going on." Hee. Over at The Table of Massive Hair Flippage, Bitch #1 says that the fact that Ephram talks to Justin shows he's a geek. Well, okay, Bitch #1, but what was your reasoning before he started talking to Justin? Incidentally, I see now that Bitch #1 can best be described as a Poor Man's Mena Suvari, which means that she will be kidnapped, beaten with a crowbar, injected with heroin, left for dead, and then murdered by a man posing as her father. Frankly, I can't wait. Amy says that Ephram is new, and is just trying to meet people. Well, "trying" may be a bit of an exaggeration. PMMS says that Amy has a thing for Ephram, which she denies. PMMS: "Whatever. The point is, he's not going to fit in at my party, is he? And then I'm going to feel all lame, like I'm having a loser party because Eddie Munster isn't having any fun?" Get. The. Crowbar. Bitch #2 tells Amy that she can do better. Bitch #2, by the way, sort of looks like a younger, non-bucktoothed Madison. Hey, I'm trying to insult her, here. Amy says she already has a boyfriend, and PMMS and Non-Bucktoothed Madison coo that they love Colin too, and if Amy doesn't like Ephram like that, she won't care if they uninvite him. Amy thinks that would be mean. Non-Bucktoothed Madison: "Would we ever do anything mean to someone's face?" Ooh, ooh, I know this one!

By Couch Baron

Justin is going on about lip-gloss flavors when NB Madison beckons Ephram, whom she calls "Goth Guy," over. Well, that's an improvement over "Geek Boy," but I somehow think that's not going to be much consolation for what's about to happen. PMMS and NB Madison tag-team Ephram in a very fake, sickeningly sweet way, saying that PMMS's mom told her she could only invite twelve people, and Amy didn't know, and while they'd love for him to come, he can't. Ephram seethes that he understands, and with a baleful look at Amy, he bolts. PMMS: "Well, that was easy." Hey, PMMS, is that your dad?

Treat drives up to the lake to use Walter's boat. We see him on foot, and he has to walk over a lot of natural obstacles to get to where he's going, so we get the sense that this isn't going to be as great as Walter promised even before Treat discovers a small, rickety dock to which a rowboat is chained. Upon discovering that the rowboat is, in fact, the Sea Breeze, he mutters, "Walter? I'm gonna give you one very thorough colonoscopy when I get back." Aaaand we're back to the uncomfortable shifting. Nevertheless, he unchains the boat. Is he kidding? He's going to take his chances with that thing? I mean, he's lucky that the dock hasn't killed him yet. He manages to get into the boat without tipping over. That might be the very opposite of a blessing in disguise.

Magilla discovers the cookie Delia left for him. He spurns it, and takes a bookmark out of Delia's textbook instead. She tells him to give it back, as her mother got it for her. "It comes from my favorite museum in New York City and I can't get another one." Apparently they're making little boys out of stone these days, because Magilla is unmoved. Poor Delia. She's going to be as bitter as Ephram at this rate. I wonder if she'll dye her hair purple too.

By Couch Baron

Rehearsal. Mrs. Baxworth asks Ephram to start playing. Amy, who's nearest to Ephram, says she has to talk to him, but he doesn't want to hear it. She asks for a chance to explain. Ephram: "Explain what? Why your friends are total bitches? Or why you choose to be friends with them in the first place?" Amy says they weren't always like that, and Ephram snarks that she's chosen to ignore the bitchiness and follow along, "not unlike the Nazis." Ephram, the Nazi party wasn't built on bitchiness. This isn't a Mel Brooks movie. And I think you're right in letting Amy know you have your limits, here, but that comment was out of bounds. Anyway, Amy says that she's not a loner like him, and while she doesn't like what they did, "maybe if you weren't scowling all the time people wouldn't feel the need to disinvite you places." Ephram snarks back that maybe he should take up football and cow-tipping to make himself more popular. With that reference, this episode has officially crossed into Heathers territory. I can just picture Patch wailing, "I love my dead gay son!" Only he'd actually have it right. Amy gets in a proper snit and tells Mrs. Baxworth that the music is off, and there's nothing to keep time to. Mrs. Baxworth: "It sounds fine to me! He's improving!" Hee. Amy bitches on, and Ephram takes his anger out on the piano, and then storms out. Mrs. Baxworth asks Amy what happened. You treated a cute, nice boy like shit, Amy. That's what happened.

Treat rows, bitching about the splinters in his hand and the lack of sea and breeze. Well, Treat, you could have just turned around and gone home. I don't know why you'd take that rickety contraption out, unless you're obsessed with finding Jason Voorhees or something. And looking at the surroundings, you just might. The boat springs a leak, and Treat starts bitching at his dead wife. Hey, let's all take a last look at Treat before he disappears around the bend. Soon, he's screaming, "I'VE MOVED INTO A SNOW GLOBE!" Most snow globes have snow, Doctor Crazy. The boat springs another leak, and he yells, "WHAT AM I DOING HERE?" Demonstrating how badly you need lithium?

Brown house. They're eating pizza, and everyone's equally miserable, which is certainly a first. I wonder how Ephram likes having company in his Basement of Brooding. Delia informs Treat that she needs a new jacket, as hers was stolen. Good thing it's still above freezing there. She goes on that she knows who took it, but he won't give it back. Treat asks who stole it, and she tells him that it's the same kid that took her yo-yo. Ephram: "Your yo-yo?" Heh. She says that she let him take stuff because she thought he'd be her friend, but that didn't work. Treat says it's not necessary to give stuff away to get people to like you. Delia asks why, then, he doesn't charge his patients, and he says that's different. Ephram: "Go on." Hee. Treat says they have to talk to Miss Violet, but Ephram counsels her to kick the bully's ass. Um, Ephram, I'm not convinced you could kick his ass. Treat: "That's not true. There's a proper way to deal with the situation..." Delia: "He took Mom's bookmark." Treat: "...and that's to kick his butt." Hee. This family moment is interrupted by a knock on the door. Treat gets it, and it's Walter. Oh, look -- and here we were talking about ass-kicking. Treat sarcastically says what a great time he had, but Walter doesn't pick up on his tone, takes the keys back, and sits down for some pizza. Jeez, Treat. France is harsher with its enemies. Nina appears in the doorway, and Treat starts to apologize, but thankfully they don't drag out the guy-doesn't-notice-that-the-pregnant-woman's-water-is-breaking-all-over-his-shoes schtick for very long. Treat asks Walter to look after Delia, and orders Ephram to come with him and Nina to the hospital. Walter says he can't, as he watches Oz that night, and that's got to be some sort of psychic shout-out. Treat's like, whatever, you're babysitting her, and it'll be The Wizard Of Oz on the TV. They leave. Walter: "That Oz gives me nightmares." Delia: "Me too." Hee.

By Couch Baron

Car. Nina's panting harder than she has in her whole marriage, if her husband's sexual orientation is any indication. Ephram says they should have called an ambulance, but Nina says she's not having her baby in one of those. Treat: "How do you feel about a doughnut shop?" They pull in. Nina: "This isn't happening!" Hee.

Treat hauls Nina inside. Some Stoner Boy who's mopping up says they're closed. Ephram: "We're not here for crullers, dude. This woman's about to give birth." SB: "No way! I just mopped!" Treat demands a shoelace from Ephram, and then tells him to go into the kitchen and boil some water, and toss some scissors or a serrated knife into the pot. Also, he needs aprons, towels, gloves, oven mitts, et cetera. Ephram goes to work. SB: "Hey, you're not allowed back there!" Someone smoke him out already. Nina says Treat should call Sarah, although frankly, I don't see the urgency on that front. She's waited years to have a baby; another hour won't kill her, especially since the baby's a little premature. In the kitchen, Ephram frantically rummages for the stuff Treat requested as SB makes a nuisance of himself. Ephram starts to rush back out, but as Nina screams, he says he needs another pot, and SB asks him what size. Ephram: "Big enough for me to barf in." Without disparaging the miracle of birth: Word, Ephram.

By Couch Baron

Mama Joy's. Edna and Irv are playing Monopoly. Edna wins, and Irv grumpily accuses her of cheating. Edna offers him another game, but Amy's voice cuts in that she's a killer. Edna asks if she's not supposed to be at PMMS's party. Amy says she decided not to go, but she couldn't stay home, because her mom would bug her about being more social. I know he's not in the episode (sob) at all, but if it's a cool kids' party, wouldn't Bright be going? Irv graciously invites her to join them, and goes to get them all ice cream. God, more power to them, but these people eat like pigs at their age. Amy mopily sits down. Edna: "The only time you remind me of your father is when you've got a sour puss on." Well, then you must think she's the spitting image a large percentage of the time. Amy bitches about her friends, saying they pulled a Heathers on her. Um, hi! Recapping right here! Edna doesn't get the reference, so Amy tells her what happened. Edna points out that Ephram's feelings must have been hurt, and Amy comes to admit that she shouldn't have let her friends treat him like that. Edna: "It's not easy to care about someone when the whole world is telling you not to." Amy exaggeratedly turns to look at Irv, like, thanks, but I was actually following along there. Don't pander to me, Berlanti. Edna tells her to trust her instincts. Nice scene, flaws and all.

Nina gets loaded into the ambulance, and Sarah, who's holding her very expensive baby, joins her. The ambulance drives off, and Ephram asks Treat how many babies he's delivered. Well, he's not an obstetrician, Ephram. The answer, of course, is one. The Brown boys walk to the car, and Treat puts his hand on Ephram's neck. Aw.

School. Delia sneakily rips the tired-ass choker off Magilla's neck, and tells him that he needs a friend. "You're just too scared to show it." She puts the choker around her own neck as she walks off, and Magilla watches, seemingly fondly. So, are they going steady?

By Couch Baron

School library. Amy approaches Ephram and says that she heard he was "Mister Midwife." He acknowledges that it was pretty cool. Was that before or after the puking? After a bit more chatting, Ephram asks how the party was. Amy says she didn't go, and Ephram asks why. Amy: "I think you know why." Because if it weren't for Coma Boy, you two would be on each other like white on rice? I'm not actually totally sure he knows that. Amy says that she scares him, because she got to know him for less-than-honorable reasons, but now she really likes him. They flirt a bit, Amy leaves, and Ephram looks pleased. Someone's going to be doing some laundry soon.

Nina's bedroom. Treat's taking her blood pressure. She apologizes for putting him and Ephram through the night, and exposits that Carl's in Phoenix. That is, if by "Phoenix" you mean "some guy's ass." What? It's true. Nina says that Carl's very ambitious, and Treat smiles that he's familiar with the type. Patch's voice calls up, and he enters with his wife's "traditional apple cake," which she baked for the birth. Nina says she thought that was only for his patients. Patch: "No. It's for friends, too." Aw. She thanks him, and he congratulates Treat on his first "doorstep delivery." Patch lobbies for Nina's business, but Treat pipes up that she's spoken for, and then Nina tells them to take it outside. Treat and Patch good-naturedly bicker their way out the door. Cue the Odd Couple "da dunt da dunt da daaaaah!" theme music.

Brown porch. Delia sits in the swing as Treat returns home. She tells him he needs a real doctor's bag, and he agrees. Ephram comes out and tells Delia that Magilla's on the phone. I thought he didn't like that name -- would he really use it to refer to himself? Ephram asks what he wants. Delia: "I think he wants to be my friend." She goes inside to take the call, and Ephram sits down. Ephram wonders how Nina could just hand over the baby, but Treat points out that she was focused on someone else's gain. Ephram says he doesn't envy the kid, as when he's ten, his mother will be a senior citizen, and she could be dead before he graduates high school. Treat acknowledges that, but counters that she could live to be a hundred. "Maybe that kid'll be luckier than you." That gets Ephram's attention, but he doesn't say anything. The two Brown males look up at the sky, presumably looking for Sue Ellen's face there. And that's it.