By AB Chao
We open outside the Brown House at night. Irv tells us that there's nothing in the world like being in love. We close in on a window, where we can see Ephram "Hot Pants" Brown, writing a song on the piano. Irv tells us that love gives us the courage to do things we would never have had the courage to do otherwise. Like date an older, bucky babysitter. Ephram works on his song, messes up, gets frustrated, and throws paper around. Treat comes down the stairs and watches his son with a mini-grin.
Fade to the day, where Amy Abbott has picked up a Leonard Cohen album in the music store. She pays for it.
Fade again to school, where Ephram works on the song in class. Amy looks over and gives him a sweet smile. He returns it. Aw.
Fade to Amy at Edna's, putting together a huge "one-month anniversary" basket for Eyebrows. Irv says something about love and objects of our affection, and already I'm dreading the cheesiness to come.
The moment of truth. Ephram plays his song on the piano for Madison Poppins. She looks mighty uncomfortable. Ephram finishes, looks at her face, and says, "You hated it. It was bad." Madison lies that it was awesome, and that she loved it. Ephram insists that she's embarrassed. Madison says she loves it, really, and that the band's going to love it, too. Ephram gets all excited that she's going to show it to the band. They kiss. Ew.
Trailer Park. Amy Abbott drives up to a trailer marked "Callahan." Ah, the famed Eyebrows Estate. Amy gets out of Edna's truck and walks uncertainly to the door with her giant basket in tow. A hard-livin' lady answers, and asks, "You from the church?" Amy freaks, says she has the wrong place, and bails. Nice. Irv finishes up: "Inspired by love, we can move mountains, make great changes, do great things. But we can also become so blinded by it that we forget everything, everyone, even ourselves." We focus in on Amy Abbott. Amen, brother. Credits.
Abbott House. Bright "Hotter Every Episode" Abbott slurps cereal from a bowl. Rose tells him that they do own spoons. Bright: "Faster this way. Don't wanna be late for my first day back to school. All the ladies are waiting." Yes, they are. Rose tells Bright that she needs him to pick up some things for Patch's birthday dinner that weekend. Bright asks if they're still doing "that," and Rose responds, "Of course we are; why wouldn't we?" Aw. Patch comes in all dressed for work, and Rose comments that he slept late. Patch, who looks pretty haggard, says he's just tired. Tired of thinking about the Crazy, one assumes. Patch looks at Rose's grocery list and wonders why they need two dozen eggs. Bright does an incredibly bad but also endearing version of the "it's your birthday" part of "In Da Club." Hee. Patch tells Rose that a big birthday thing isn't necessary this year, saying, "A celebration seems somewhat gratuitous, all things considered." Rose insists that they have a party, even if it's a small one. Patch tells her it's up to her, kisses her, and leaves. Rose and Bright exchange "What are we going to do about Sad Daddy?" looks.
Cut to Spanish class, where Bucky's Ex is handing back tests. He gives Ephram some lip in Spanish about his poor grade. Real mature, Prom Boy. Amy apparently didn't do so well either, so they wait until after class to ask Prom Boy if they can do extra credit. He makes them ask in Spanish, and Ephram sucks at it. Amy tells Ephram, "You just said 'I'm very pregnant.'" Heh. She asks in slightly better Spanish about extra credit, and Prom Boy says that they can do extra credit by bringing an authentic Mexican meal for the class, translate the recipes into Spanish, and bring it in by Monday. They leave sadly, lamenting their poor cooking skills. Silly plot device to get Amy and Ephram back together, but she's so much more normal around Ephram that it'll totally do.
Diner. Treat and Rinda flirt sweetly about who's cooking dinner this weekend, and Rinda asks Nina what movie they should go see. Nina says that the last movie she saw in the theater starred Molly Ringwald. What, she didn't take her hyperactive kid to Finding Nemo or something? Treat asks Patch if he knows of anything good. Patch responds, "I endure these lunches as a forum to discuss topical medical issues, not to engage in a dialogue over your weekend's Events Calendar." Rinda and Treat grin bemusedly, and Rinda informs Treat that Patch's birthday is coming up. Treat realizes that he's late for a patient, and leaves hurriedly with Rinda, leaving Nina to drop hints to Patch about her sad, sad life, and how Treat's been too busy to support her as a friend lately. She asks him to give Sam a flu shot later, and says that Treat's been so busy lately, he probably doesn't have time. Patch says he will of course give Sam a shot, and remarks, "Any patient of Andy Brown's...was once a patient of mine."
Amy and Eyebrows. She gives him his gift basket. He likes it, and tells her that he doesn't remember what his life was like before he met Amy. Whatever, dude. Eyebrows's phone rings, and he makes an excuse about not taking the call. His phone is clearly set to the "Dealer" ringtone. He gives Amy her anniversary present, which is an extremely expensive Blackberry. Good Lord, it's been a month. At this rate, he's going to have to start selling more than drugs.
Over at the Brown house, Treat is cooking up some health food as practice for his dinner with Rinda. He tells Delia that he's got the recipes divided up into things he can eat, and things that make him sick. Delia asks if she has to eat it. Ephram comes in and asks, "Eat what?" Delia makes a face and answers, "Booger wheat." Hee. Ephram announces that he's eating dinner with Madison, and Treat is like, "Now?" Ephram says he could move it to tomorrow, but then it would be lunch. Treat wants Ephram to eat with his family, and says he doesn't know what the deal is with Ephram; in the last week, he's only been home to change clothes, and to sleep. Ephram doesn't know what the big deal is. Treat tells him that a relationship is supposed to add to one's life, not become it. Ephram counters that before Madison, he had no life. Then he just walks right out, leaving Treat and Delia to stare forlornly at the door. Delia tells her dad that she liked it better when Treat and Ephram hated each other. You and me both, kid.
We come back from commercials to Patch's office. Sam and Nina are there, and Sam is running a Tonka truck up and down Patch's face. Not only does this kid need Ritalin, he needs some damn manners. Nina tells Patch that Sam's going through a monster truck phase. Patch notes that it's an improvement over the biting phase. Heh. Nina makes small talk, and then finally comes clean to Patch about her separation from Shutup Carl. Patch expresses concern that Nina's been dealing all by herself, especially when Treat's right door. Nina brushes off the fact that her friend has totally dumped her to spend time with Rinda, and tells Patch she's sure Treat will come around. Patch doesn't look so sure, but I'll bet one million dollars that he'll be doing something about it.
Aw, Ephram and Bright! They're walking downtown, discussing Madison. Bright doesn't understand why Ephram's upset about the song he wrote: "She dug it, you macked down, I don't see what the problem is." Ephram says that something just feels off about it. Bright's all, "Is she still willing to make out with you? Problem solved." Ephram says he wants to talk to Madison about it. I'm just going to quote Bright's every line in this scene, if that's okay with y'all. He stops walking and starts to fix his hair in a store window, and says, "Bro, you're killing me here. All this talking and caring...why don't you just hand your testicles over now and get it over with?" Hee. Ephram's like, "You're the one fluffing your hair right now." Bright says, "I have a wingding, okay? It happens." Brilliant. Amy runs up to meet Ephram just then. He tells Bright that they have a thing to do for school. Bright tells Amy in the ugliest voice possible that their dad's birthday party is the night. Amy says she knows; she's coming. Bright: "Whatever. Just do us all a favor and bring a present, okay?" He tells Ephram he's "out," and gives Ephram an awesome "I'm better friends with you than Amy is" little hand thing. Ephram and Amy prepare to go grocery shopping for their authentic Mexican meal.
While he and Amy are at the grocery store, Ephram gets a call from Madison. Amy overhears, and says she's glad things are going well. They decide it's not too weird to talk about their lovahs, and Amy teases Ephram, "So did she actually ever see the Beatles play, or...." Ephram: "Very funny. So how's Rico Suave? You guys try needles yet?" Hee. Amy assures Ephram that Eyebrows is not like that. Amy's Blackberry rings, and it's Eyebrows, who wants her to meet him at the pharmacy. Ephram makes a crack about Amy's gift: "What's he getting you for one year -- a GPS tracking system?" They finish their shopping.
Diner, again. Patch arrives to give Treat a good what-for about Nina. Treat, obviously, never realized that there was a problem. Patch teaches Treat how to be a better friend, and Treat promises to do better. He says Nina knows that, if she needs something, all she has to do is ask. Patch: "Really. I always thought you two had the kind of relationship where she wouldn't have to."
Cut to Amy, meeting Eyebrows outside the pharmacy. She's all happy to see him, but he freaks shit on her for going to his trailer and not telling him. I hate to say this, but I can see his point. Not telling him just made the fact that she's embarrassed about his home life all the more obvious. Eyebrows, incidentally, is kind of possessive-stalker creepy here. He orders Amy not to ever, ever go to his house unless he tells her it's okay. Amy, seriously, dump his ass. But she doesn't; she just stands there looking heartbroken. Suck.
Ephram shows up at Madison's band practice. He asks her ex-boyfriend how the song is coming. Jake has no idea what Ephram's talking about, but then figures out that Ephram wrote Madison a song. "You wrote a little love song for Madison? I wrote a lot of songs for chicks when I was your age. It's cool. Just tell me it's not called 'Madison.'" Heh. It totally is. Ephram looks horrified, and goes off to get in a little fight of his own, perfectly paralleling what just happened with Amy and Eyebrows. Which is just a bit too twee for me, but whatever.
Ephram finds Madison and confronts her about lying to him. Madison says she doesn't know why she did it. Ephram says a lot of words really fast to her to show that he's angry. Madison admits that she likes the song, but that she wasn't going to show it to the band, because it's...embarrassing. Ha! Ephram gets all bratty and leaves. I'm sorry, my little boyfriend, but I wouldn't show it to my band, either. Unless it was genius and we'd make millions of dollars from it.
Nina's house. Treat shows up at her door with a garlic chicken casserole (mmmm?). Treat sweeps in all, "No, don't thank me," and starts being all cheerful and neighborly and talking to Sam. Nina is not impressed with this display of "friendship," and says so. Treat cannot believe that Nina would ever question his noble motives. Nina tells him to shove his chicken up his ass. Yay! Treat says he thought that if Nina needed him, she'd come to him, since that's what he's always done with her. Nina says she doesn't ever remember saying she needed Treat, and in fact, she needs him to get out of her house so that she can finish the laundry, the dishes, clean up, and then get started on her fabulous new telemarketing career. Heh. Treat offers to help her, saying that he'll "get Madison to watch Sam" so that he can help without actually helping. Nina says she doesn't need his damn babysitter. Because, as we all know, what she needs is a friend. Treat.
Commercial break. Coffee or cocktail? Decisions are so hard.
We come back to Amy and Ephram in Edna's kitchen. They're preparing their Mexican extra-credit meal and bickering, because they both got in fights with their respective mates, see? Amy tells Ephram she's sure Madison isn't sitting around wondering when she should call her high-school boyfriend, so why is he so worried? Ephram: "Uh oh. Sounds like someone had a fight with Tommy Crackhead." Hee. Amy then questions her friendship with Ephram himself, saying that he wouldn't know if she were upset or not, since he can only be friends with one Abbott at a time. Ephram says he hasn't seen her much either, since every time she gets a boyfriend, the universe ceases to exist. Amy yells at him that her family hates her, Ephram yells at her that how was he supposed to know, it's all very intense, and then the food burns. This ends their exchange. Ephram bails, and yells, "You have a visitor!" as he stalks away.
It's Tommy, of course, who has come to apologize. Amy actually stands up for herself: "I don't want an apology, I want an explanation." Tommy says he was embarrassed, and in the worst line reading possible adds, "Have you ever...been called white trash?" Yes, I'm sure the daughter of a doctor and Everwood's mayor has had to deal with some heavy class wars in her day. Tommy goes on about food stamps, trailer parks, being poor blah blah blah, my mom cleans motels, blah, I work at the pharmacy to help pay the rent, such a sad life, blah. Amy falls for every word. They kiss and make up, and he offers to take her to McDonald's for dinner. There's a real winner right there.
Brown House. Treat is getting ready for his dinner with Rinda. Ephram walks in, looking for something to do, since he can't do anything with Madison. He offers to take Delia out for dinner, to leave Treat and Rinda alone. Treat -- who knows immediately that something's amiss -- says that Delia's at Brittany's house. Ephram admits that he and Madison are having a fight. The doorbell rings, and as Treat goes to answer it, Ephram says, "It's hard trying to be in a relationship and have a life at the same time, isn't it?" Treat agrees that it is, and says he'll postpone his dinner with Rinda so that they can talk. Ephram declines, and goes off to his room. Aw.
It's a sad, sad scene over at Patch's birthday dinner. The chair that Amy is supposed to be sitting in is empty, and it may as well have a blinking sign on it that says "Insert Absent Daughter Here." Edna and Irv are there; Edna tells Rose that the meal was lovely, and wonders what she put in the glaze, in case she wants to cook it and give Irv another heart attack. Rose explains the delicious glaze, and says it's probably time for cake. Patch cuts in, "Why don't we hold off on the cake for a little while; give our food time to digest." You can try to stall for Amy all you want, Daddy, but it ain't happening. Bright, best son ever, suggests that they open presents, since that's always the fun part. Patch agrees to that. Edna and Irv have given Patch a super-deluxe window defroster. Patch says, "You might recall I gave you one just like this for Christmas." Irv: "Well, we loved ours so much...." Edna hits him. Hee. Bright hands his dad a present, and tells him that it's from him. Bright looks so excited. I just want to eat him up. Patch opens the gift, which is an antique stethoscope. He's visibly touched, and can't believe it. Bright tells his dad, "It's a 1952 Allen and Hanbury." Patch: "I know. Your grandfather used to have one just like this." Bright says he remembers that, and it's how he got the idea. Aw. So fucking sweet. Patch reads the card, "Love, Bright and Amy." Bright covers his sister's ass by saying it was mostly her idea. Patch isn't fooled, and tells Rose that he thinks it's time to serve the cake now. Sniff.
Back at the Brown house, Treat and Rinda are eating dinner. Treat is telling Rinda about his fight with Nina. Rinda tells Treat that he really screwed up, and that Nina is clearly dying for a friend. Rinda is really sweet in this scene. Treat says he thought he was Nina's friend. Rinda: "Sometimes, to be a friend, you just pull up a chair, make a pot of coffee, and listen." Very well put, Rinda, except sometimes you make a pot of martinis. Treat says he should probably talk to Nina. Rinda says she'll understand if Treat wants to go over there right then. Man. Good girlfriend.
Dumbest MEOW ever coming right up. Nina is asleep on the couch. Sam pulls a blanket over his mom, steals her car keys, goes outside, starts the car, backs out, and wrecks it. Treat and Rinda hear the crash and rush outside to see what happened. Treat thinks at first that it's Nina in the car, but when he opens the door, it's a tiny, bloody Sam. Stupid kid. I would kill him. Nina snoozes away on the couch. Commercial.
Hospital. Treat walks to the waiting room and tells Nina that Sam's going to be fine, except for a slight fracture in his arm. Nina is a mess, saying she can't believe she let this happen, and bemoaning what a horrible mother she is. Treat hugs her and reassures her that it was an accident. He says that if anyone should feel responsible, it's him, since he has been such a bad friend. Poor Nina. She looks devastated. I certainly wouldn't be crying any tears over that kid, however. Nina says she understands that Treat got caught up in his own life, and that he should probably go back and check on Rinda. Treat sits down to her. "I'm staying right here with my friend. I'm not going anywhere." Aw.
We cut to Edna's house, where Amy is getting ready for bed. Edna booms, "Where were you tonight?" Amy: "I was out with Tommy, why?" Edna just stares at her inconsiderate grandchild. It dawns on Amy that she forgot her dad's birthday. She starts freaking out, and asks if it's too late to go over there. Edna says they've all gone to bed. Amy says she didn't mean to forget. Edna says it doesn't matter what she meant to do; the only thing anyone's going to remember is that Amy wasn't there: "There was one person your dad wanted to see tonight. You." Edna tells Amy that it's going to take a hell of a birthday present to make up for this, from the look on Patch's face. She bids Amy good night, and closes the door. Dumb girl.
Ephram and Madison. Band Garage. She has a surprise for Ephram, and oh God, it's horrible. Madison. Has written. Lyrics. To Ephram's song. If she sings, something very bad is going to happen. Fortunately, she doesn't. After she gives Ephram some line about how she really likes him, but he likes her more, and he just needs to wait for her to catch up to him, which makes not one lick of sense, Ephram sits down to play the song. Before Madison can kill us softly with her words, though, he stops playing and says he just realized how much the song sucks, and says it's no wonder she was embarrassed. Thank you so much for that, Ephram. Thank you for writing such a shitty song. Madison tells Ephram that she needs to go get her band, because she told them to take five, like, an hour ago. Ephram kisses her goodbye, and notices the band guys talking to someone. It's Eyebrows, looking mighty suspect. Because drug dealers completing transactions normally look that way.
Cut to Ephram and Amy, waiting in a restaurant. Amy offers Ephram a peace offering of gum, and he accepts. He tells Amy that she was right about his not being around for her. So...let me get this straight. Both of the Brown men have failed someone as a friend? I'm just asking because the parallel wasn't very clear. Amy, as Nina did, says she understands, and that people have their own lives to take care of. Ephram assures Amy that he would be there if she ever really needed her. Amy says she knows. They hug. I love their friendship so much, and it's ridiculous that it's taken this long to get it back. They agree not to talk about their boyfriends or girlfriends anymore. Amy says they just need to remember to talk to each other, even if there's one part of their lives they don't talk about. Ephram agrees adorably. Amy gets a Blackberry message, and tells Ephram that it's Tommy, who has been working at the pharmacy all day. Ephram says nothing, preferring not to rat out Amy's drug-dealing boyfriend just now. A restaurant worker announces that their thirty (thirty?!) enchilada specials are ready, and that's that.
Abbott House. Patch goes to lock the front door, and notices an envelope slipped under it that reads "Dad." A card, Amy Abbott? Nice one. Patch opens up the card to read it, and it begins: "Dear Dad, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday." Well, that's a swell opening. But that wily Amy Abbott knows how to get her daddy, and us, back. The letter goes on to say that she's not that kind of person, even though all her recent actions have seemed to prove otherwise. Amy voice-overs, "I know I've disappointed you more than you ever thought possible. I never thought it was possible either, and now I'm stuck in this pattern of messing stuff up, and I don't know how to fix it. I wish we could make everything like it used to be, but I guess I'm old enough to know that we can't." We focus in on Patch as he's reading, and watch his heart break more with every line. "I know you won't believe me, but I think about you every day. And no matter how bad things get, or how far apart we might seem, you'll always be my dad." Rose is there in the doorway, looking at Patch with concern. She walks over to him, and Amy finishes, "And I'll always be your Amy." Rose and Patch walk into the living room together, and sit to watch TV with Bright. We fade to black, and I curse the day I met you, Berlanti.