By AB Chao
We open in downtown Everwood. A cab has just let off a pair of allegedly fabulous legs, bedecked in a black mini and stiletto boots. The legs (for that is all we see!) take off down the sidewalk, a fabulous set of red luggage following close behind. The townsfolk stare. The legs nearly run right over Amy, Ephram, Hannah, and Bright, then ask where Dr. Jake Hartman's office is. Amy gives directions; Ephram and Bright stand agape. The legs head for Scooter's, and Amy tells the boys to go ahead and close their mouths. We get a nice shot of the legs, again, and the rest of this mysterious blonde's body, from the back. Hannah: "So that's what zero percent body fat looks like. Interesting."
Scooter's Office. Legs strides to the reception desk, and asks Edna if Dr. Hartman is in. Edna does a totally hilarious boob-take, and says that Scooter is at lunch. Legs asks Edna if she would happen to know where. Cut to the diner, where Dimples is discussing hair products with Nina. Ah, a man after my own heart. Suddenly, Legs walks in, spies Dimples, and screeches, "Jakey!" Gag. And I have to tell you, the face on this chick is not as great as it should be, considering the build-up. Dimples is like, "OH SHIT. Cameron? What are you DOING here?" Heh. Cameron, oblivious, chirps, "Well, if Mohammed won't come to the mountain…!" Dimples looks over at Nina helplessly, and we go to the credits.
Diner, still. Nina and Cameron are getting to know each other. Cameron tells Nina that she and "Jakey" met through their "trainer." Dimples suggests that perhaps Nina doesn't want to hear all of these gory details. Nina, clearly enjoying Dimples's pain, says there's nothing she'd like better. Cameron starts blah-blah-ing about how everybody in L.A. keeps asking, "Where's Jake? When's Jake coming home?" and saying how much they miss him -- even Roy, their Coffee Bean guy. Suddenly, everything's awkward, and Nina says she's got to go close out. Dimples looks at Cameron expectantly and asks how long she's here. Ten days, and she's got all this vacation saved up, and she can write a story about Everwood for work anyway, and they can snowboard, and OH MY GOD PLEASE SHUT UP. Dimples says he would love to just hang out and ski, but he has patients to see all week long, and that is why he wishes she'd called first. He says they can figure it out later, but he has to get back to work. Cameron baby-talks, "Who am I gonna pway wif?" KILL. KILL. KILL. Nina passes by, and Cameron yells, "Neen! We can totally have a girls' day! I am actually dying for a mani-pedi!" Nina: "Don't die!" Hee.
Brown House. Treat and Delia, who is riding on Treat's back, march in the house chanting, "We're number one!" In cheer language, it is established that Delia's hockey team is number one, because Delia rocks, and they can suck it for not wanting a girl on the team. Delia commands Treat to get the camcorder out so they can record "this moment." Aw. Treat starts fooling with the camera and listens to their messages at the same time. The first message is, naturally, Amanda. Treat gets so distracted by the sound of Amanda's voice that Delia has to remind him to record her. Treat points the camera at Delia and says, "All right, 'Rocket' Brown. Tell us about the game." Alas, we can see by the expression on his face that Treat's mind is far away, in The Land of Retarded Affairs. This is my least favorite subplot in the history of ever.
Abbott House! Things are better -- and certainly funnier -- over here, I just know it. Rose pulls dinner from the oven, and Patch asks her if she's trying to kill him slowly; he can smell the butter from all the way across the room. Mmmm, butter. Amy walks in and announces, "I found it." Patch thinks she is talking about his favorite cashmere scarf. Amy: "Oh, no, I definitely lost the scarf, but I did find the perfect ballet class!" Rose says she didn't know that Amy was looking for a ballet class at all. Amy says she's been searching on the internet all week, and the class she's found is excellent, but you have to audition to get in. Patch is all, "Of course you'll get in. You're the best dancer at County." Amy says this class is of a completely different caliber than County, but considering she didn't study all last year and still managed to bring her GPA back up, she's sure she can do the same thing with this. Her parents agree. Amy then springs the news on them that the class is in Denver, is five nights a week, and she'll be missing all their family dinners. Patch: "Wait. What kind of class is this?" Amy: "Dad, I just told you." Heh. Amy goes to wash up for dinner, and Patch and Rose exchange looks.
I refuse to recap this scene which features Treat and Amanda first talking, then making out, in her bed -- before Charlie gets home. Oh, well, I guess I just did. And I hated every second of it.
Denver. Ephram has accompanied Amy to the ballet studio. Amy finds the right studio, and says class should be out any second. Ephram: "Cool." Amy tells him that he didn't have to drive her there. Ephram says he already told her, if this is her dream, he's right there to support her -- or at least chauffeur her. Aw. Just then, the studio door opens and all the pretty dancers stream out. Ephram sees Amy's look of concern, and tells her that she's way hotter than any of them. I like this new and improved and sweeter Ephram. Amy says she'll just be a minute, and heads inside the studio.
Amy stands watching the instructor, a poncey black fellow who would like one of his dancers to "LIFT!" He sends the poor girl off, giving Amy the perfect opportunity to talk to him. Amy nervously and excitedly tells "Mister Jason" that she was sent up to his studio by the registration people downstairs, and she heard he had a winter program, which she would like to audition for. Mister Jason asks her how many classes she's taking now. Amy admits that she's not actually taking any right now. Mister Jason is like, "Mm hmmm. And, how old are you?" Amy says she's seventeen. Mister Jason, whose name makes me laugh every time I type it -- Mister Jason (ha! ha!) -- tells Amy that the winter session starts in two weeks, it's a professional class, most of the dancers are already working in some capacity, and they have all had classical training for many years. Ephram, looking very hot for reasons which should be impossible with that hideous hair, stands in the doorway and listens to this exchange with interest. Amy tells Mister Jason, "And that is exactly why I am going to work SO HARD to catch up." Mister Jason steps closer, calls Amy "sweetheart," and tells her she won't make it. Her build and turnout is all wrong, and she's ten pounds too heavy and four years too late. I should like to remind you all that I am currently taking infertility drugs, which make me a little weepy, so you will excuse me if I cry a little here. Amy sets her jaw and asks, "When are the auditions?" Mister Jason tells her they're Thursday. Amy: "Great. And, thank you for the constructive criticism; I really appreciate it." AWESOME.
As Amy books out of there, Ephram tries to keep up, saying he can't believe she took shit from that jackass. He tells her not to stress -- he's had professors at Juilliard like that, and their main purpose is to break you down. Amy calmly says, "I'm not stressing, Ephram." Ephram says something ugly about the teacher, and if he's so great, why is he teaching in Denver? Heh. Amy tells him he's not helping. Ephram says he's sorry. Amy: "Don't apologize. Just get me home, because I need to start practicing…NOW." Wow, somebody is really driven! Commercials.
When we get back, Delia is stepping out of the bathroom. Ephram passes by and says, "What's up, Rocket Brown? How does it feel to be the only member of the family with any athletic ability?" Delia answers, "It's here." Ephram is like, "What's here?" Delia: "It's. Here." Ephram: "DAAAAAD!"
Cut to the feminine products aisle at the grocery store. Treat asks Delia if she needs to talk to Nina about all of this. Delia tells her dad that she's read Judy Blume and knows the drill; she just wants to get the damn things and go, because her coach is working on slap shots today, and she can't be late. Treat okays this, and tells Delia that "wings" sound fun. Delia's like, "Fine. Wait…ALWAYS?" Hee! She grabs one of each product, and she and Treat and womanhood are on their way.
Nina's house. Cameron rings the doorbell. When Nina answers, she announces that she's brought rock candy. Nina: "It's nine in the morning." Cameron doesn't care -- she wants coffee! Coffee coffee coffee kill me immediately!!!! Nina feels the same way I do. Nina's hair, by the way, looks fabulous. Over coffee and rock candy as swizzle sticks, Cameron tells Nina that she and Dimples are basically engaged -- they've talked about all the serious things, like where they'll send their kids to summer camp, and the chocolate fountain at their wedding. Nina tells Cameron about Shutup Carl, and Cameron is shocked that they have gay men in Everwood. Nina changes the subject by asking Cameron what happened with her and Dimples. Cameron says she doesn't really know, and then drops the bomb with, "Well…there was the whole thing with his practice, but you know about that, right?" Nina says she doesn't, but Cameron won't give up the goods. Bitch. Nina learns that, not only did Cameron and Dimples never have a fight, they never broke up in the first place. Cameron says that the only reason she's here is so that Dimples will see her and remember what they had, and then move back to L.A. Nina's like, "Uh…maybe your strategy shouldn't be so much about him moving back to L.A., because he seems to really like it here." Which dumbass Cameron takes as, "You should totally move to Everwood!" Nina tries to drop hints that this is the worst idea ever, but Cameron is either mildly retarded, or ignoring reality. GAH.
Abbott…garage? Amy is dressed up in her ballet clothes, practicing her little heart out. Patch walks in and asks her if she isn't maybe a little bit cold, since she's in a leotard and tights in the middle of a Colorado winter. Amy says she's actually quite warm. Patch tells her that dinner is ready. Amy says she's not eating, but it's totally fine, lots of "athletes" do it, and she's getting plenty of fluids. Patch then notices that Amy's feet are bleeding, which she also brushes off as part of the deal. Oh, Amy. Patch is like, "You're bleeding, you're starving, it's freezing. What are you doing to yourself?" Amy tells her dad that this is what dancers do, and it's what she's going to have to do if she wants to get into this class. Patch tells his weirdo daughter that this isn't "what dancers do," this is her trying to cram two years of no dance class into one week of practice. Amy tells her dad to quit pissing all over her dream. Patch asks her why this is suddenly her dream. Amy says it is completely not suddenly -- she's wanted to be a ballerina since she was a little girl. Patch: "You also wanted to be a princess, and an astronaut, and, I believe, a carrot at one point." Heh. Amy tells Patch that he needs to be more like Treat, who supports Ephram in his musical passions no matter what. Patch informs his daughter that this has nothing to do with passion -- it's about her making a rash decision at the eleventh hour because she's scared. "What you're exhibiting here is panic, not passion." Amy tells her dad that she really, for real, wants this, really. Patch: "Why? Because somebody told you you can't have it?" Amy has no answer for this; she merely asks her dad to shut the door on his way out.
Front door of Scooter Dimpleman, Chickenshit. Cameron tells Dimples that his "friend" is the best, and bounces inside. Dimples asks Nina what they did today. Nina tells him wearily, "We had ROCK CANDY." Dimples asks, "No, really, how was it." Nina's all, "Great she's moving here bye." Dimples stops Nina and makes her explain. Nina reminds him that he's "basically" engaged to Cameron, and asks if he maybe forgot the chocolate fountain at their wedding. Dimples confesses to Nina that he meant to break up with Cameron before he left -- he's been meaning to for a while, in fact -- but just couldn't bring himself to do it. Nina tells him that Cameron is a big girl, and can handle it. Cutie little Dimples doesn't wanna. Nina insists that he has to tell her tonight, so she can move on with her damn life. Dimples is all, "You're right. Uh…could you tell her for me?" Nina hits him. As she should.
Denver. Amy is on her way to the audition. She's on the phone with Ephram, who is telling her that she's going to be awesome and rock and kick all of the other girls' asses. Amy tells Ephram that she'll call him after it's over. She's just walked in and sat down with her registration form when Mister Jason announces that they'll be starting on time today, and going down the list alphabetically. Amy, naturally, is first on the list. Amy says that she actually just got there and hasn't had a chance to warm up. Mister Jason does not care about this problem. He gets ready to call the girl on the list. Amy interrupts him, "That's okay. I'm ready." Oh, but Amy, ARE YOU? Amy walks slowly into the audition studio, and we go to commercials.
We come back to the Brown house. Delia is in her bed, experiencing what looks to be her first bout of cramps. Treat tells her that if she isn't feeling good, she doesn't have to play hockey today. Delia insists that she does, because her team needs her. Treat tells her that, because these are special circumstances, she can take some ibuprofen to make her feel better. He makes sure she knows that this isn't an every month kind of a deal. Uh, it's not like you've given her narcotics. Cool out, man. Delia, because she's my kind of girl, asks if she can take ten.
Cut to Amy and Ephram, doing homework together. Ephram offers Amy a cookie, and she tells him that she's probably going to have to go off the pill. Ephram is like, "Do cookies make you think of birth control?" Amy says she just needs to stop taking it because of the bloating -- she would probably drop five pounds if she went off it. Ephram asks her if she realizes she's a stick. The look she gives him is all the answer she needs. "Okay, that's fine. You know, great. Whatever you want." Heh. The phone rings. Amy listens for it to be for her, but it's a friend of Bright's. As Ephram is telling Amy that he's sure she got in, Bright is talking loudly and hilariously to whoever's on the other end of the line. Amy gets all weird about Ephram trying to be supportive, telling him he doesn't get it, because he's all, like, naturally talented and whatnot. Ephram tries to understand, but is obviously thinking, "Well…I am good." Amy laments that she's never going to be a dancer. Ephram: "Okay." Amy: "Okay?!? That's all you got?" Ephram tells her that it's fine if she isn't a dancer. Amy asks him what the hell she's supposed to be, then. Ephram says he doesn't know, but he's sure she'll figure it out. Amy tells him that he doesn't know that, and he has no idea what she feels like, because he's all a genius and a prodigy, and her life is so sad WAH. Ephram assures her that even if she doesn't end up a dancer in college, it doesn't matter, because she's good at so many other things. He tells her how much he admires her for taking shit from Mister Jason, thanking him for it, and working harder because of it. "You're the most driven person I've ever seen. It's who you are; it's what defines you." Amy finally smiles, and agrees, only saying once that she wishes she'd never stopped dancing.
Diner. Cameron and Dimples walk in. "Neen!" Cameron says. "Neen" is like, "Hey!" and then gives Dimples the evil eye. "Hi. Break up, ever?" Hee. Dimples says he tried to do it the night before, but he just couldn't, and he's totally going to do it tonight. Nina can't believe he's going to break up with her at Mama Joy's. Dimples thinks it's perfect, because the diner is neutral territory. Nina's all, "Uh huh." Dimples says he just needs a quick pep talk from "Neen" to get him going. Neen: "All right. Be direct, and to the point. The distance has made you realize that you're just not right for each other anymore. It's not fair to either of you to stay in this, and she deserves someone that can give her the moon." Jake interrupts, "I should say 'moon'?" Nina tells him to just fucking go, already. Okay, I added the profanity. Infertility drugs also cause unmitigated rage, if you hadn't noticed.
Hockey game. Delia rocks the ice, and you can hear Treat yelling in the background, "GO ROCKET!" I love that Delia has a sports nickname. Delia, unfortunately, isn't doing as well as she usually does, and her coach starts to yell at her. This is, also unfortunately, Treat's cue to butt his meddling self in and ruin Delia's life. He heads over to Delia's coach and asks him to take it easy on her, because, and I quote, "She's having her period." OH, TREAT. Coach yells as loudly as it is possible for a person to yell, "She got her PERIOD? Brown, off the ice!" Delia skates over, asks her coach why he pulled her out, then notices Treat. "Dad? What are you doing down here?" Coach tells another kid to get in there. The little asshole tells Delia, "Yeah. You should probably sit for the rest of the PERIOD. Get it? Period?" Oh no. Delia gives her dad a look of hate, then goes to sit down.
Diner. Long after Nina should have closed, Dimples is still sitting there trying to break up with Cameron. Nina collapses onto the counter in mock exhaustion, then finally walks over to their booth. Cameron asks Nina if she wants to come look at real estate listings with them. Nina: "Um. No, I don't. I don't think you're going to be moving here, because…he doesn't want you to." Dimples looks mortified. Cameron tries a laugh. Nina offers a sad apology. Cameron looks at Dimples for an answer. Dimples stutters around, trying to say something meaningful, but only manages to tell Cameron that he handled this badly. Cameron immediately assumes that he and Nina are sleeping together. Nina: "NO. No, we are not. I have no interest in Jake for millions of reasons, but not the least of which is what he's done to you…you're this beautiful, amazing woman, and he's reduced you to a sixteen-year-old, with all his emotional withholding, and his false intimacy…" Dimples interrupts Nina here, all, "Hey! That'll do." Cameron stands up, calls Dimples a selfish coward, tells Nina she hopes she falls in love with another gay man, and runs away. It's beautiful. Dimples stands up too, and tells Nina, "I guess now we know the real reason you never went out with me." Ouch. Nina just stands there, shell-shocked. Dimples walks out. Wah!
Brown House. Treat visits Delia in her bedroom and asks her if they're speaking again. Delia says nothing, so, um, there's your answer, DAD. Treat says he knows Delia will be better and back on the ice by Monday. Delia says she won't, either, because she's quitting the team. Treat insists that she can't, as the best player they've got. Delia: "Not anymore. Now they're going to make fun of me for being a girl." Treat says it was always pretty obvious that she was a girl. Heh. Delia says that Treat made it super-obvious, to which Treat agrees, and apologizes. He tells her that she needs to talk about it. Delia says she certainly doesn't want to talk about it to him, because it's weird, and embarrassing, and he doesn't know what it's like. Treat suggests they call Nina. Delia says she doesn't want to talk to Nina. Treat asks if maybe she wants to talk to Edna. Delia, on the verge of tears, says she just wants to be alone. Treat tells her that she has to talk to someone. Delia: "I want Mom, okay? Mom never would have done what you did. She never would have told. I just…want to talk to Mom." Drugs. Weeping. Kleenex. GODDAMMIT. (Commercials.)
Nina's shoveling her driveway when we come back. Dimples walks over and takes the shovel from her, starting to clear the ice himself. Nina tells him she's sorry, and she didn't really mean all that stuff she said. Jake: "Emotional withholding? False intimacy?" Aw. Nina tells him that she just meant he's the kind of guy who doesn't want to break up with someone because he's the kind of guy who doesn't want to hurt anyone. Dimples says that has its downside, too, and he's surprised that Nina is even still talking to him. Nina doesn't understand, and Dimples says surely Cameron told her about what happened with his practice. Nina says she didn't ask, and Cameron didn't tell. Dimples sits down to Nina and explains that he got hooked up with some big-time movie producer -- which meant going to all his fancy parties and hanging with all the famous people, but also writing prescriptions for medications that a plastic surgeon wouldn't normally prescribe. And then, because he wasn't stupid enough, he started prescribing things to other people too, the end result of which was that a young actor overdosed and died. So Dimples had to get out of L.A., and that's how he ended up in Everwood. "The thing is, I thought I was looking for a place to get away, and it turns out, I found a place where I could do better…and I think that's why I'm here. To try and be better." Nina: "I think you are better." Oh no. The tears are here again. DAMN YOU, SUPPRESSION MEDICATION! DAMN YOU TO HELL! Dimples tells Nina that he's not better because of anything he did. "I'm better because of you. Ever since we met, I've thought to myself, 'I want to be the kind of guy that deserves her.' And I don't think I am; I doubt I'll ever be. But at least now I know what I'm aiming for." Sniff! Nina tells him he doesn't have to aim. Then she kisses him. Yay! Oh my God, it's so cheesy! But AWESOME! Nina tells him that damn, he can kiss. Dimples tells her thanks, and that he's going to do it again now. Mmm, Dimples.
Abbott House. Uh-oh, the phone rings, and it's for Amy. She gets on the phone all, "Uh huh. Mm hmm. Right. Okay, thank you." Patch and Rose look at her expectantly. She tells her parents that she didn't get in, but it's fine; she's not surprised, either. After she leaves the room, Bright offers, "Think I should go talk to her? I'm all about failure." Hee. Rose thinks it's a good idea to just let her be for a while. Aw.
ANOTHER SCENE THAT I REFUSE TO RECAP. Except for this one line, spoken after Treat tells Amanda how upset he is that Delia didn't want to talk to him about her period: "Well, praise the Lord and pass the turkey." I have to admit, that was pretty funny. Anyway, Amanda assures Treat that it's okay for him to be the only parent Delia has, and it's not his fault. Treat says he knows, but Delia deserves someone to talk to, and he wishes he could somehow find that person for her. Well, we'll just have to wait for the scene to find out if Treat's wish comes true, won't we?
Brown House. Ephram goes to the kitchen to order Thai food for himself and Amy, when Delia walks in and flops herself on the couch to Amy. "Oh. It's you." Amy says it is, indeed, her. Delia says her life is over. Amy: "Yeah? Mine too." Heh. Delia says it sucks being a girl, especially when everyone knows it. Amy: "Tell me about it. You think I can control the size of my hips? And you know what? I like my hips! I think they're fine!" Delia complains that boys have such a way easier life. Amy says they do have their share of lame stuff to deal with, like their voices cracking when they hit puberty, which is hilarious. Delia says she can't wait. Amy goes on that they get awful pimples as teenagers, and don't even get to hide them with makeup, and then get old and grow hair in all kinds of weird places. Delia says at least they have control over their bodies, and stuff doesn't just happen to them. Amy: "Let's put it this way. In a couple years, when a boy gets called up to the chalkboard to do a math problem, and he brings his textbook with him? You just remember this little conversation, okay?" Tears. Shut up. Delia says she guesses giving up hockey isn't the worst thing in the world. Amy asks if she's going to give up just because of what some dumb boy says. Delia says she'll have to think about it. Amy tells her that, if she does decide to leave it behind, to make sure it's because she wants to, so she doesn't end up regretting it. I CANNOT STOP CRYING. More girl talk between Amy and Delia, and we fade to black.