By AB Chao
We open on a sunny day in Everwood. As the camera closes in on a store called "Everwood Video," Irv tells us that everyone has their favorite movies, and that everyone can recite the last line of their favorites, but hardly anyone remembers the first line. Let's test that theory. My favorite movie is Annie Hall. And...the first line is : "There's an old joke." Oddly, I cannot remember the last line. Boo-yah, Irv the Bus-Driving Narrator! I have no idea what I have just proven, but this drink is DELICIOUS. Ephram and Bright roam the aisles of the movie store, looking for something to rent. Has Netflix not caught on in Everwood? Bright wants to rent a movie that prompts Ephram to remark, "I'm not in the mood to watch soft-core porn with you." Does this mean that he has been in the mood before, or will be in the future? Ho, and also, yay. Ephram wants to rent The Pianist, because he's my sensitive boyfriend. Bright nixes it. Ephram gets all huffy and tells Bright to get what he wants. Bright says, "All right. Huddle up." Ephram doesn't get it, because he's never played sports a day in his life, a fact which we should all try not to count against him. As much as Ephram rocks, no one can resist a hot point guard, people. Bright cutely says, "That means 'Come here.' You're like working with raw clay, man." Aw, Bright kneads his friend. Cheesy puns: 1. AB Chao: 0. There's a strange segue where suddenly Bright starts talking about how he's the master of all things women, and I'm confused, but let's go with it. Bright tells Ephram that the only way to get pukey Madison to like him more is not with romantic comedy "Cusack crap," but he needs to live the life of the action star, like "The Rock." Huh? That's not how you get the girl. Cusack is like paper to The Rock's...rock. Paper covers rock, Bright! Anyway, Bright tells Ephram to ignore the shit out of Madison, and she will like him even more. I wish Ephram would just take the "ignore the shit out of" part of that advice. Bright says nothing keeps a girl guessing more than for her to think that maybe you don't even want her around. Ephram tells Bright that it's wrong and evil, but ignoring Madison kind of makes sense. Bright utters the first of several brilliant lines of the evening: "Don't hate the playa. Hate the game." Hee! The camera pans to a TV in the video store playing the end of Casablanca, and we hear, "This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship." Indeed. Credits.
Brown House. Brittany, Delia's bitchy little friend, is there. Delia asks Treat if he remembered to rent the karaoke machine for her slumber party. Ah, a girl after my own heart. Treat says he's on it. Brittany, who thinks she is twenty-five years old, asks Treat, "And where are we on the pizza? I would get a head start on it if I were you." Shut up, Brittany. It's nice to see your mother taught you how to be tacky to adults, but nobody needs to hear it. Treat says he'll take care of it. He tells the girls that Nina will take them to school, since he has to go to work early. Nina? Who is that? Delia tells Brittany that her dad's acting weird. Uh oh. She knows!
Brown House. Brittany, Delia's bitchy little friend, is there. Delia asks Treat if he remembered to rent the karaoke machine for her slumber party. Ah, a girl after my own heart. Treat says he's on it. Brittany, who thinks she is twenty-five years old, asks Treat, "And where are we on the pizza? I would get a head start on it if I were you." Shut up, Brittany. It's nice to see your mother taught you how to be tacky to adults, but nobody needs to hear it. Treat says he'll take care of it. He tells the girls that Nina will take them to school, since he has to go to work early. Nina? Who is that? Delia tells Brittany that her dad's acting weird. Uh oh. She knows!
Treat's Office. Treat arrives and asks Edna if Rinda has called. Edna's all, "You mean my HIV-positive daughter, the one I tried to push on you last week, and now that I know the truth, I wish you hated her? No, was she supposed to?" Treat says he was just hoping she would. Edna tells Treat that she doesn't even know what she was saying the other day when she tried to set him up with Rinda: "I don't even know what's coming out of my own mouth sometimes. I drink a lot." Hee. You and me both, Feisty Nurse Edna. They argue back and forth about whether Rinda rikes Treat, and Treat cannot be persuaded that Rinda isn't totally in love with him. Edna tells Treat that she just doesn't want him to get hurt. Treat tells her not to worry, that women like men of action, and he is a man of action.
And how. Patch arrives at his office to find it filled with roses. Millions of roses. Rinda is clearly touched, but tries to act like she hates it. Patch can't believe that Treat bought her three hundred roses. Hey, Treat? My birthday's Tuesday. Sars knows my address. I want a pony. And by "pony," I mean "a million dollars." And by "Treat," I mean "Hey, Berlanti. Send the money or the recaps get it." Rinda says she's just going to ignore Treat, and eventually he'll give up. Patch thinks this is a great plan, and says they can eat in the office for the two weeks if it will help her avoid Treat. Rinda's all, "Greeeeeaaat." She reads the card and gets sad. Wah.
Amy Abbott is at the pharmacy, picking up the prescription for her anti-depressants. The completely insensitive pharmacist screams at the top of his lungs, "Have you ever taken ZOLOFT? THE PILLS FOR CRAZY PEOPLE? LIKE YOU? TAKE IT ONCE A DAY!!!!" Amy snatches the bag from him and goes to the cashier's counter to pay for her little bottle of happiness. There's a fairly cute guy standing in the aisle to her, but nobody is at the cashier's counter. Amy asks him if he knows where the cashier is. God, Amy. Impatient, much? The guy says he's on break. Of course, we all know the cashier is him. Amy says she's in a hurry. Cashier Guy, who has inexplicably dark eyebrows for his hair color, tells her that odds are, nothing could be so important that she couldn't wait five minutes. He says it all smarmily, and shut up, Eyebrows. Amy retorts, "At this particular moment, they're pretty good." She rolls her eyes and turns her Brat-O-Meter to full power. You shut up, too, Bangs of Sadness. Eyebrows walks around the counter and smiles craftily. You're not cute. He flirts with her a little bit, and Amy is all over it.
Treat's Office. His patient is a guy named Justin. Justin is kind of cute, in a "needs hair products, bad, but other than that..." way. Justin stutters. Treat is his speech pathologist. Treat is also a neurosurgeon, a general practitioner, a physical therapist, a psychiatrist, and President of the Hair Club for Men. Justin says he doesn't think their sessions are working. Treat says they just need more time. Justin says he doesn't have any damn time, and wants to take this new medicine that might help, because he has to tell the girl he loves how he feels before she moves to Texas in three days. Treat says that changes EVERYTHING, but three days isn't enough time for the drugs to work. He wants Justin to write down exactly what he wants to say, practice the hell out of it, and they'll get it exactly right during their session. Justin Stutterlake is happy.
Brown House. Madison Poppins asks Ephram what he wants for dinner. He shrugs and walks off. The ignoring has begun, I see. Delia's all, "Did you lose your voice or something?" Heh. Ephram continues to ignore Madison. She looks confused in a buck-toothy way, and answers her cell phone. Trouble in paradise. Madison takes her phone outside and fights with her boyfriend. Ephram and Delia watch. Madison comes back inside and says she was talking to..."Jay?" Ephram finishes. Then he remembers he was supposed to be ignoring her and tries to be all, "Bird? Jaybird. Singing. Karaoke. Karaoke party." He runs off. Madison stares after him, wondering why she likes a crazy person, and who the best orthodontist in Everwood might be. Commercials.
Back to the Brown House. Delia is working on her party favors while Madison cooks. Ephram tells Delia that he thinks Madison might be upset. Delia: "I know. I'm ten, not stupid." Daaaamn! Ephram tells Delia to go be nice to Madison, like tell her she's pretty or something. Delia tells Ephram to do it himself. He forces Delia to do it. She walks into the kitchen. "Hi Madison? I like your sweater?" Aw. Delia continues with the barrage of compliments, "And...you don't have any pimples either." Madison laughs, and tells Delia she's sorry she's been such a bummer. We all are, Bucky. Delia asks her what's wrong, and Madison says that she was supposed to have a date that night, but instead they broke up. Delia starts to invite her to the slumber party. Ephram shakes his head and makes "No! Cut!" gestures in the background, but Delia doesn't notice. Madison says she would LOVE to come. Ephram sighs. Do you think he'll send me a birthday present?
Justin Stutterlake is at Treat's office, practicing his speech. He can't get it right. He is so clearly in love with this girl, and it's pretty heartbreaking. He says every time he thinks of "Kirsten," he gets nervous. Treat tells him to just say how he feels about Kirsten in the most basic way he can. Justin says that Kirsten is just awesome, and she's the only one who never made fun of him for stuttering, and never tries to finish his sentences, blah blah blah l-l-l-love-cakes. He says that Kirsten loves movies, and she said once that she wished her life was like a movie. This makes me think that perhaps Kirsten is delusional, but whatever. Justin says he can never tell her, and he might as well just quit now. Aw.
Bright "Cry Me A River" Abbott is shooting basketball in his driveway. Ephram walks over to tell him that Madison is going to be at his house that night. Bright thinks that's awesome, but Ephram says that it is not. He says he was just trying to make Madison feel better, and then Delia invited her to the slumber party. Bright interrupts to comment that Ephram was supposed to be ignoring her, but Ephram says it's okay, because he did it through Delia. Bright says: "It doesn't matter. Vertically or invertically..." Hee. Ephram's all, "'Inadvertently.' The word is 'inadvertently.'" Bright: "Look, you wanna play Scrabble, or you wanna get the dibble-dabble?" Woo! Best Line of the Episode. Bright tells Ephram that he needs a wing man, to help him stay away from Madison, and he'll be there at six. He tells Ephram, "For being a smart guy, you're actually kind of an idiot." Bright is being written brilliantly this episode, I have to say. Now if they would just kill off Madison in a freak accident...
Amy and Laynie "I Can't Believe I Had to Come To Work For Two Lines. Again" Hart. They're in a restaurant, which may or may not be the diner. Laynie tells Amy that she just has to go to the ECC party that night, and it will be fun. Amy doesn't wanna. She spies Eyebrows over Laynie's shoulder, and asks Laynie who he is. Laynie exposits that he's Tommy Callahan, who got kicked out of high school and just got out of rehab, where he was sent for a nasty crystal meth habit. Amy clearly still thinks he's kind of hot. Laynie's all, "Anyway, the party?" Amy says fine, she'll go.
Patch Abbott's Office. As Patch sits at his desk working, a red balloon comes floating through the door. He gets up and walks into the hall, which is filled with 99 Treatballoons. Patch bats them away and looks at Rinda, who offers, "He's persistent, I'll give him that." Patch says the madness has to stop. Rinda has to tell Treat why she doesn't like him. Patch says, "You do have some kind of reason, right?" Rinda's all, "Sure I do. Of course. I have lots of reasons. I am NOT a big fan of facial hair, for one." Heh. She says they're just not a good fit. Patch tells Rinda to go let him down...hard.
Rinda bursts into Treat's office. She tells him he has to stop sending her flowers and balloons, because she doesn't want them. Treat: "Not a big fan of presents. Got it." Rinda says it's not the presents, it's him. Aw, man! Treat's face falls. Rinda tells Treat that she's sorry if she gave the wrong impression, but she's not attracted to him, and she doesn't want to date him. Treat can only respond, "Oh." Rinda tells him to just please stop sending her things, and walks out. We go to commercial as Treat's heart breaks. Damn you, Rinda! I hope you get eaten by a bear.
We return from the commercials to Bright, who is getting his karaoke on with the fantastic musical stylings of Destiny's Child. He sings to the crowd of little girls, "All the women...independent...throw your hands up at me!" The girls do. It is, and I do not say this lightly, AWESOME. I think I love Bright Abbott, but as Couch Baron has claimed Bright for all his own, it's purely platonic love. Swear! Treat, Ephram, and Madison sit on the couch, unsure how to react to Bright's obvious musical genius. Treat says he has to have another soda, because that way he can escape to the kitchen for five minutes. Ephram: "You know sometimes you're smarter than you look?" Treat says he'll be right back, and you know he's spiking that Coke with some bourbon.
Bright finishes singing, and goes to sit down on the couch between Ephram and Madison. Even though there's more room on Ephram's side, Bright tells Madison, "Could you move down a little? You're actually kinda invading my space here." Hee! Madison can't believe how weird Ephram's friend is, but gets up anyway. Bright gives her a little "buh-bye" wave. He's all proud of what a good wing man he is.
Treat comes back from the kitchen as the girls decide on more songs to sing. Brittany says to Treat, "You're sad, aren't you?" Treat says he is, a little. Brittany, wise fourth-grader that she is, tells Treat that her daddy says singing is the cure for anything. "All you have to do is open your mouth and sing." She says it with a smug little smile, and I want to slap it off her face. I hate you, Brittany. Treat has an idea, though. He walks off, deep in thought.
Abbott House. Patch walks in with flowers and balloons for Rose. Regifter! Rose thanks him, then says, "I assume Linda didn't mind you stealing all her presents?" Heh. Patch says that even gifts born out of convenience aren't any less thoughtful. That's what one of my ex-boyfriends said after he gave me a book for Christmas inscribed, "Merry Christmas, [Ex's Name]!" He is no longer with us. Patch says he guesses Rose already heard about Treat and Rinda. Rose says she just can't understand why Rinda is "refusing his advances." Patch thinks it's obvious. Rose actually says "fiddlesticks" to this, but it's cute on her. She says she thinks Rinda's just scared to give up her independence after being single for so long. She says she doesn't know what it is, but there's something holding Rinda back. Patch looks like he has just figured out what that is, and makes a pained face.
ECC Party. Amy walks around, bored. She sits on some stairs, and who should be standing to them but our old friend Eyebrows. He says something boring to her, and she says something boring back. This whole storyline is sort of boring, plus I don't really like Eyebrows that much. He is trying too hard to be cool, and he's getting on my nerves. The upshot of the scene is that they leave the party to talk, and possibly make out.
Cut to a factory. Treat and Justin Stutterlake walk in with a karaoke machine. Treat is telling Justin that studies have shown that people who stutter are able to sing perfectly, and this plan is totally going to work. All he has to do is sing a song to Kirsten, letting her know how he feels. He tells him it's now or never. Justin looks like he wishes it were never, but he takes the mike. Justin walks over to an assembly line, where Kirsten is standing. She asks him what he's doing. Treat turns on the machine, and suddenly we're in Dancing in the Dark. Where is Bjork? Justin is a terrible singer. Kirsten looks mortified, and also a little too pretty for a factory worker. He finishes the song. Treat grins. Kirsten pulls the mike out of Justin's hand, which is sort of bitchy, but also a relief to Justin Stutterlake that the embrarrassment has stopped. Justin tells Kirsten that he couldn't leave without telling her how he felt. He oddly doesn't stutter at all during this sentence. Kirsten tells Justin that she is very sorry, but she doesn't feel the same about him. Justin turns to look at Treat, who looks pretty damn devastated himself. ["Probably at Kirsten's utter lack of tact. It's called 'pulling Justin off the floor to speak to him IN PRIVATE,' honey. Look into it." -- Sars]
Record Store. Amy and Eyebrows are there. Eyebrows tells Amy she has to have some album we tried and failed to identify. Could be Cat Stevens, could be Leonard Cohen. Who wants another drink? Eyebrows basically tells Amy that he hasn't ever gotten any presents from anyone, and had a lonely childhood, blah blah. He says he doesn't want to bore her with his sad stories, and Amy says she doesn't have any sad stories, except for the one about her life.
Cut to a coffee shop. Still Amy and Eyebrows. They're talking about ZOLOFT! And depression! And how ZOLOFT cures depression! I can't understand what Amy says here, because she is mumbling, but it is surely about being depressed because of her dead boyfriend. Or whatever. Eyebrows quashes the "meth addict" rumor, saying that he has only mainlined cocaine and kicked a nasty prostitute habit. Just kidding. He has smoked pot, and drunk alchohol. Who among us hasn't, Eyebrows. Get a better addiction.
We cut, AGAIN, to Amy and Eyebrows walking down the railroad tracks. This is the saddest date ever. "I just got out of rehab!" "Yeah, well, my boyfriend was in a coma!" "My mother never loved me!" "My boyfriend had his brains on the hospital floor and DIED!" "You totally win. I'm taking you home." Eyebrows talks about how he is clean now, and asks Amy if she wants to know what he has heard about her. Now they're sitting on a bench. Can they teleport? In a major character moment, Amy's Bangs of Sadness are pushed away from her forehead. Eyebrows has conquered the bangs, folks. He says he heard that she was the prettiest, most popular girl at County, but checked her tiara at the door the day her boyfriend died, wandering the halls alone ever since, waiting for someone to "fill the void and take all the sadness away." GAH. Shut up, Eyebrows. You know you just want to fill the void in her pants. And...now it's raining. Amy Abbott's hair is somehow not wet. Eyebrows gives Amy his jacket, and they walk away, all their sadness washed away by the rain that is not wet.
Abbott Office. Rinda sits in Patch's chair, looking pensively out the window at the rain. Detective Patch Abbott walks in. He tells her that he has been in contact with "Janet in Beijing," violating every doctor-patient confidentiality rule in the book. Janet apparently told Patch about Rinda's condition. "She says to tell you hello." Patch is P-I-S-T about Rinda's house of lies. Rinda doesn't even defend herself. She starts to tell Patch the story of when she went to China for a case. She says that case was hers. She went on the "cocktail" when she was first diagnosed with HIV, but knew that there was just something else that could be done. So she went to China and learned the ancient mysteries of acupuncture and herbal remedies. Riiiight. "Here. Stick this pin in your ear and chew on this basil. It will totally cure your HIV." Then, Rinda says, all she wanted to do was come home and be with the people that she loved. Patch asks if Edna knows. Rinda says she does. Also, what is with the recurring eyebrow theme in this episode? Rinda's eyebrows look like they were colored on with a Burnt Sienna crayon. Is that a side effect of HIV? Patch asks if Treat knows. Rinda says he doesn't. Patch sweetly tells his sister, "If this is the only reason you're not seeing him...you have to tell him." Aw, Patch. Rinda says she just can't. Patch says to let Treat decide for himself what he can and cannot handle. His voice breaks as he says, "You deserve some happiness in your life. And so does he." Rinda looks off to the side as she realizes that Patch is right.
Brown House. Bucky Buckerson sits on the porch swing by herself. Ephram walks outside and sits to her. Madison says, "I thought you were ignoring me." Ephram's all, "What gave it away?" She says she knew in the kitchen when her boyfriend called and they broke up. Ephram looks cold in his short-sleeved shirt, and Madison tells him, "You must be freezing," yet does not offer him even a corner of the giant blanket she has draped over herself. Thanks, Madison! Ephram asks her if she wants to talk about it. Madison says she doesn't, but Ephram tells her that he is a good listener. There is a certain recapper who would listen to you all day long if you would just CALL ME EPHRAM! Madison tells Ephram that her boyfriend broke up with her because he said she didn't care about him as much as he cared about her. Madison attempts to stretch her lips over her enormous teeth throughout this scene, but it is nigh impossible, and they look like they might snap up like a windowshade at any moment. Ephram might want to shield his eyes. Madison continues, "And he wasn't wrong." Ephram tries to pretend he understands relationships, all, "That happens." Madison says her boyfriend accused her of liking somebody else, which she does. Ephram says he hopes it's not the drummer. She says it's not the drummer, and if she weren't a cold-hearted snake, she would tell Ephram straight up that it was him. And only the astute reader will have already noted that there were not one, but two Paula Abdul songs in that last sentence. But she doesn't. She keeps saying "me and this other guy" this, "third person reference, just friends" that, like, get to the point, Madison. She finally tells Ephram what only a retarded chimpanzee would already know, that she knew when she heard "this person" play "his music," or when he told her how he felt, that it felt like he was ten years older instead of four years younger. And now we all know that Madison is twenty. Ephram looks...bored, frankly. I think he's just confused, though. Madison says, "And when he kissed me, I just came undone." Who is she, Wally fucking Lamb? Ephram is all, "Now that you have shut up, I can tell you that your taste in guys leaves something to be desired. But if this is what your gut's telling you to do, you have to go for it." Aw, Ephram! Why you have to like the stupid buck-toothed girl? He looks at Madison sweetly, and they kiss. Commercials.
The Morning After. Eyebrows and Amy "Forehead of Happiness" Abbott walk up the sidewalk to Amy's front porch. Now, let's talk about the fact that not only is Amy near-suicidal, but also prone to interstate travel, and she gets to be out all night? If there is any justice in this world, Patch Abbott will be on the other side of that door with a big ole can of whoop-ass. Amy says she has to get inside, because it's "probably" really late. Probably? There is no probably. It's dawn, Abbott. Eyebrows replies in the immortal words of the Spin Doctors, "It's early." Amy gives Eyebrows his coat back. They gaze into one another's eyes, and Eyebrows gives her what is admittedly a gentlemanly kiss. Then he ruins it all by giving her an incredibly dorky "tip of the imaginary hat" gesture. Amy eats it up, because she is desperate for lovin', and walks inside.
Cut to Treat's Office. Edna bids a good morning, and Treat says, "You know what, Edna? It's not a good morning." He declares a moratorium on the use of phones, as they are no good to people, because certain HIV-positive women use them not to call. Edna says she's sorry about Rinda. Treat says he is, too, and walks into his office, where Justin Stutterlake is crying a river. Not really. He says he came by to thank Treat, and Treat says it was his fault, and a stupid idea. Justin says it wasn't. He says all he ever wanted was to know he tried everything. Treat's all, "But she said 'no.' I do not understand this word, and your crazy stutter language." Justin acknowledges that the rejection part did suck, but he's spent most of his life hating how he talked, so he didn't talk at all. Justin is sort of sweet, and one of my favorite MEOWs. He says, "Kirsten isn't the first girl I've ever liked, but she's the first girl I ever told. And just telling her felt pretty damn good, so thank you." Treat tells Justin he's welcome, and Treat says he'll see him Friday. He says he'll bring the karaoke, if he can pry it out of Bright "Beyonce" Abbott's hands.
Brown House. Ephram's room. Ephram is wearing White Tube Socks of Teenage Angst, and it's really cute. Someone knocks on his door, and he yells, "I told you I have a cold!" Madison walks in, and he jumps up into a less prone position, as he should. Madison fakes taking his temperature, and tells him that he's going to make it. She sits down, and we all prepare for another long-ass speech. Ephram says, "I know what you're going to say. You were confused; it was a moment of weakness." Madison tells him to stop talking for a second, because if he doesn't, she won't get to talk, and she will eat him with her teeth. She tells him that she is a little freaked out, and scared not only about their relationship being illegal, but they're wrong for each other in the long term. I don't think Ephram wants to bear your children, Madison. It's just a date, damn. Madison continues that it's weird, but...Ephram says, "But...?" Piano Music of Illicit Babysitter Romance plays in the background, and they kiss. Madison says, "But...that. That's the problem that we keep running into." Shut up, Madison. It wouldn't be hard for a blind double amputee to run into your mouth. Ephram makes a joke about still being sick, and unsure if he's having a fever dream, which is a clever way of getting Madison to kiss him again. She does. Then she says she doesn't know what she's doing there, and gets up. Ephram says that's the way all great love stories begin. Madison says she's more into horror films than romantic comedies, which makes not one lick of sense. She leaves. Go away, Madison.
Rinda's Yard. Treat, who is actually playing the Actual Guitar, unlike Madison and her "band," is sitting in a lawn chair, serenading Rinda. He has a beautiful voice, but the song is a tiny bit cheesy. I mean, really, Treat. Anne Murray? Rinda opens her door, smiling, and walks over to him. Believe it or not, Treat can grin while he sings. Rinda sits down, and Treat finishes his song. Treat says he knows Rinda told him to stop, but he had to make sure he tried everything. Aw. Rinda looks very sweetly at Treat, then launches into some sort of college lecture about the political climate in the Democratic Republic of Congo. That's "DROC," for those of you not in the know. She tells Treat that when she was in the Congo, war raging all around her, she went into a village that had come under attack to see if there were any survivors. There, she found a little boy alone in a hut. She didn't know how long he'd been there, and she couldn't imagine why he had been left alone, but then she noticed the sores and lesions on the boy, and it all made sense. He was bleeding terribly, and she knew she couldn't save him, but she didn't want him to die alone. She picked him up and held him in her arms until he "passed," and it wasn't until later that she noticed the gash in her arm. Because, as we all know, anyone who contracts HIV from sex is a dirty stinking whore, but those who contract HIV by heroically cradling little dying children in the Congo are okay. Treat doesn't know what to say, and he says so. Rinda tearfully tells Treat that she was tested twice, and she just thought he should know the truth. Treat is stunned into silence, unable at this point to even reach out to comfort Rinda. Rinda sits symbolically alone on the ground, and we fade to black.