By AB Chao
We open in front of the movie theater. The Last Samurai is the only unfortunate option on the marquis. Irv tells us, "There's a particular brand of pit that grows in your stomach when you know you're losing control and there's nothing you can do about it. Heavy as granite, and moldering." Thanks, Irv, for that line from The Book of Retarded. Ephram "Dump Her Already" Brown and Madison "Don't Hate Me Because I'm Bucky" Poppins bounce up to the theater. Ephram's mad because they're late, and tells Madison that they could have made it if they didn't have to go to a movie theater in another town, so nobody would see them together. Madison suggests that he get the tickets, while she buys the snacks. There's some "cute" bickering which I will not be recapping. Ephram heads to the ticket counter and asks for two for the above-mentioned Tom Cruise ("I'm not gay! I'm Japanese!") film. The ticket guy asks Ephram for some ID. Hee. Ephram's all, "What? No way, dude." The ticket guy suggests that Ephram see the 8:15 showing of Rugrats, if he's interested. Ooh, burn. Ephram tries to get the increasingly agitated ticket guy to sell him tickets, saying, "I'm on a date. You look like the kind of guy who could appreciate that. No, I'm not saying I don't think you don't get a lot of action…" Quit while your ahead, pretty boy. The ticket guy's all, "." Finally, Madison comes to Ephram's rescue, flashing her ID and buying the tickets. Ticket Guy says, "And…are you this boy's parent or guardian?" Ha! Y'all deserve it.
Cut to Treat and Rinda, drinking wine romantically by a romantic fire of romance. They're also playing a romantic game of…Scrabble? Rinda gives Treat the bedroom eyes and puts down "fondle." They start to kiss, and Treat gives Rinda the total shaft, saying he has to go, since it's nine o'clock, and he has to pick up Delia. Rinda tries to be a good sport, but she knows Treat just acted a fool. As Treat leaves, Irv continues, "It's the way we're built, I suppose. Unnatural reaction to the unstoppable spin of the earth below, forever trying to wrest control of life, love, work, and home. And when we can't get control there, we'll fight for it where we can." We fade to Treat and Ephram on the couch. Treat is watching a nature show, and Ephram tries to get his dad to change the channel. They bicker about the show, and how they both had shitty dates. "Have a nice time?" "Great, amazing, better than great. You?" "Fantastic. Couldn't be better." Irv finishes, "As if we think we could stop the world from spinning just by being mad." And after the longest teaser in history…credits.
Edna and Irv's house. Irv walks to the kitchen in a t-shirt and boxers and finds him a little midnight snack. Amy comes busting in just as he turns from the refrigerator, and Irv lowers the dish. he's holding to cover his bits. Hee. Nice save, Irv. Amy's all, "No big, it's just underwear," grabs a box of cereal, and walks out. Oy. Irv looks exasperated, and we cut to…
Irv and Edna in their room. Irv is like, "When is that brat leaving?" Edna takes up for Amy, saying Irv shouldn't have been downstairs getting a snack. In what universe does that make sense? Irv: "It's our house! I don't want to put on a suit just to get a glass of water!" Damn right, Irv. He tells Edna that he loves Amy, but she's inconsiderate, and messy, and she needs to have some rules. Just to drive his point home, Amy walks right through their closed bedroom door, grabs the phone, and says, "Don't mind me!" God. Knock much, Amy? Edna tells Irv, "Oh, shove it."
High School. Ephram and Bright are in gym class, running and complaining about their families. Bright tells Ephram that they went through a whole dinner the night before, and no one said a word. "This is my dad we're talking about -- it's like someone took the batteries out." Heh. They stop running, which is unfortunate, because it's super-cute. Bright says that ever since Amy left, their family is like a funeral home, except Amy's not dead, she's just hanging out with a druggie freak. Ephram notices some guy still running, and Bright exposits that it's Gavin Curtis, their school's wrestling star. Bright also explains wrestling weight to Ephram, and the advantages of being in a lower weight class, which I still don't understand, even after multiple lessons from my husband. I'm S-M-R-T. Ephram goes to grab his clothes, and they're gone from the bleachers. What about, say, the locker room? Ephram sees some kid across the gym stealing his clothes. He tells Bright, "Go kick his ass." Bright: "Why?" Ephram: "Because I said so. Come on, go! Kill!" Bright: "How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not a dog." Heeeee.
Over on the other side of the gym, Gavin "Douglas Smith, Brother of Gregory" Curtis has just been weighed, and everyone cheers. Then Gavin falls down in a faint. We cut to Treat's office, who tells Gavin and his parents that Gavin seems okay. "Twenty laps and no breakfast, and I'd hit the floor, too." Gavin's dad says he should have made Gavin eat breakfast, but Gavin says he was "holding off on hydrating 'til after the scales." Oh, Douglas Smith is adorable, with his blue, blue eyes and curly messy hair and cute little voice. Not hot like my boyfriend, but adorable nonetheless. Gavin's parents are all concerned, and Treat says Gavin should be fine with so many people worried about him. Daddy Gavin says it's not just them, there's a whole town counting on Gavin, except he says it like it's code for "I'm an overbearing sports dad." Gavin acts all modest, and asks Treat if he'll be okay for the match. Treat says he'll be fine, but he'll call for blood work just in case. Treat asks Gavin to take off his sweatshirt. Gavin does this very carefully, pulling his t-shirt down so Treat can't see his skin. Daddy Gavin asks Treat to sign a permission slip, saying that he can't train without it. Treat says he'd like to wait for the lab results, but he should have them the day.
Ephram tries to sneak into his own house. He's wearing a gigantic jersey and shorts. Ephram legs! Delia catches him and says, "Did you wear that to school?" Madison calls his look "retro funk jock dork." Shut up, Madison. Ephram says he was just going for a jog. Delia: "You don't jog." Ephram says he's totally trying to start working out and become buff. Delia: "You don't get buff." Hee. Ephram tricks Delia into leaving with some sports trivia about a Broncos trade, and she runs off to check it on the internet. Then he ickily kisses Madison, and asks her out for the night. Madison says she can't, because she has to study for an exam. In the college library, which Ephram can't get into without an ID. Ephram's all, "Story of my life." Madison suggests a movie at home, after she studies. Ephram realizes that Bucky doesn't want to be seen anywhere with him.
High School. Treat brings the permission slip in to Gavin's coach, saying that everything came out fine. The coach makes the mistake of telling Treat that Gavin is so worried about the match that he "made himself sick" that morning. Treat says that no one mentioned Gavin threw up. The coach says he has a nervous stomach. A light bulb appears over Treat's head, and he lies to the coach that the permission slip isn't in his jacket, after all. Commercial.
Treat's Office. He's called in the Gavin Family again, and tells them that he thinks there may be cause for concern. Treat looks at Gavin and says, "I think the reason you passed out the other day wasn't overtraining. I think that you induced vomiting to make weight." You're a clever one, Dr. Brown. Treat continues, "And your electrolyte levels, plus the enamel damage shown in your dental records, lead me to believe that this has happened more than once." If he has enamel damage, more than once needs to mean "one million times." Gavin says he's only done it a couple of times. Crazy Sports Dad doesn't see anything wrong with it, saying that Gavin isn't like some girl making herself puke because she reads too many fashion magazines. Yes, because that's what we all do. Bucket of fried chicken, please! I'll just use the bucket to throw up in after I binge on some Original Recipe. Treat is still concerned that Gavin is in health trouble. Crazy Sports Dad asks his son to wait outside. Gavin gets up to leave, and tells Treat not to worry about him, that he's fine. Mommy Gavin looks very upset as Crazy Sports Dad tells Treat how awesome Gavin is at wrestling, and he needs his chance to prove that this weekend at the match. Treat says he thinks Gavin's health matters more, and he thinks Gavin has an eating disorder. CSD says the only important thing is that Treat sign the damn permission slip. Treat says he ain't. CSD says they'll just find a doctor who will, and they leave. Way to go, Treat. I think.
Cut to the pep rally for Gavin. A large crowd is gathered, and the coach is telling them how proud he is. Everyone cheers, except for Bright and Ephram, who are studying at a table behind them. In the snow. Okay. Bright asks Ephram if he's going to bring Madison to the match. Ephram says Madison doesn't want to go in public with him, and they've already had one catastrophe that week. Bright's all, "Convince her. Do that cool-talkin' thing you always do." Aw, he loves him. Ephram glances over at the crowd, and sees Amy walking towards their table. He and Bright both give Amy the silent treatment. Amy sits down and asks Bright how the "not talking to me" thing is going. Bright gives her a look, and goes back to his papers. Amy says, "Just tell me how everyone's doing. How's Mom and Dad?" Bright is silent, but deadly. Amy says to Ephram, "Will you please tell him that he's proven his point?" Bright: "Will you please tell whoever's still sitting there that she can't talk to you 'cause you're my friend?" Oh, hell yes. Bright has claimed Ephram, and it's a beautiful thing. Amy's Bangs of Sadness are back, by the way. She doesn't leave, and Bright tells her to just go away. He gives her the official Get the Fuck Out of Here hand gesture, and she leaves in a huff. Ephram asks Bright how much longer he's going to give his sister the silent treatment. Bright: "If she even feels a fraction of what we're feeling while she's off partying with her boyfriend, it'll probably be a while." Couch Baron? Could I borrow Bright for a few minutes? ["Take a number, missy." -- Sars]
Diner. Rinda walks in and sits down to Treat. He tells her about his bulimic patient, going on and on and on about athletes and their weight problems. Rinda's like, "Whatever. Will you be done with this by Saturday night?" She says she wants to go somewhere good for their date. Treat just keeps on steadily talking about medicine. Rinda rolls her eyes good-naturedly, and says, "Okay. Let's try it this way. Andy? No talking for two minutes." She tells Treat that they are going on a very nice date Saturday. "You will pick me up at 6:15, showered and wearing that blue jacket that I like you in. You will have paid in advance for the babysitter that you will have booked for the six hours. You with me?" Treat nods. "I will take you to Monticello's, a shockingly authentic Tuscan restaurant for Colorado. We'll take our time, order dessert, and Bonnie Raitt goes onstage at nine. No distractions, just you and me and a lovely evening. Please nod twice if this plan is acceptable." Treat grins. He nods. I nod, too. Bonnie Raitt rules. Sweet scene.
Edna and Irv's. Amy walks in and throws her crap all around. She yells, "Hello…hello? Has anyone seen the cordless?" She walks upstairs, looking for signs of life. She finds it, in the form of two elderly persons going at it in their bedroom, the door of which was closed, and which she should have been considerate enough to knock upon. Serves you right for freaking shit, Amy Abbott. It's pretty funny, though, how she runs downstairs all, "Oh my God. Oh my God. Ew. EW. Ew ew ew." She finds refuge at the kitchen table, where she buries her head in her arms. Feisty, and I do mean Feisty, Nurse Edna runs in clad only in a blanket. Amy says, "I don't know anything right now." Edna: "Do we need to talk about…that?" Amy: "No. No. Actually, we don't need to talk about anything…ever…again. I'm gonna go…die." She runs out. Hee.
University Library. You know, I work in one of those. Mine is prettier. Ephram roams the stacks, looking for one bucky lady. He finds her at a desk, looking very college in a ski sweater. Madison looks mortified, and Ephram explains that he used someone's ID to get in. "I just have to have this back to 'Ronadope Benjari' by 11:00. Exchange students are so friendly." Heh. Madison continues to look mortified, and tries to speak. Ephram's all, "Relax. I just came by to prove a point, which I have just done." He outs Madison for being embarrassed of him, and says that they've never had a good time outside the confines of Treat's property. "We've been doing this for months, and I still haven't met your roommate." Madison's One Good Line of the Episode: "Well, she's a total bitch." Hee. Ephram goads Madison into going to the wrestling match with him. She agrees, and tells him to do his homework. It's kind of cute. No! Wait! No! It's not cute, it's not cute, it's not cute! We likes the Madisonssss. Noooooo! We HATES the Madisonsssss!!! Hey, where are you going?
A doorbell rings, and we cut to Treat's. It's Mommy Gavin, and I have to say, I like her better than any MEOW mom we've ever had. It really doesn't take a lot; she's sincere, likeable, and normal. Unlike, say, one Mommy Hart. She asks Treat if they can talk. Treat invites her in. Mommy Gavin tells Treat that she should have noticed there was a problem with Gavin; she found all kinds of junk food in his closet after school started, but she thought it was just something he was keeping as a reward for himself after matches. She says another time he came home with his eyes all bloodshot and puffy, and gave her some lame excuse about his contacts. She wants Treat to help, and can't believe she didn't see it before. Treat says that parents sometimes don't see things like this, especially not with boys. Mommy Gavin says she can't talk to her husband: "He doesn't want to talk about it. He's so proud of Gavin. He says if Gavin needs any help, we can get it for him after this season. Can you help him now? Please?" Aw. She tears up, and I realize that I like this lady because she reminds me a little bit of Frances McDormand. Treat is going to try to help Gavin. Commercial.
Edna's House. Amy and Eyebrows are in her bedroom, which is totally inappropriate in your GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE. They're arguing about going to the wrestling match. Amy doesn't want to go because of Bright. Eyebrows says he hasn't been to County "since they kicked me out." Real winner you picked there, Abbott. Eyebrows says they can't keep avoiding Bright. That's exactly what you need to be doing if you know what's good for you, Eyebrows, but clearly you do not. He finally convinces Amy to go, saying if they don't have fun, they can go home and make out. God.
High School. Gavin's in the locker room (Dear Locker Room: Where were you when Ephram needed you?), getting ready for his match. Treat walks in for some good old-fashioned lecture time. Treat says he wasn't sure if Gavin would want to see him. Gavin: "I don't blame you, Doc. You're just worried about me. I appreciate it." Could this kid be more cheerful about his life-threatening eating disorder? I do not think that he could. Treat tells Gavin that he knows Gavin'd hate to disappoint anyone; in fact, he might be so afraid to disappoint them that he'd compromise his own health. Gavin denies that he's sick. Treat: "I don't believe you. It might not even be about wrestling anymore. Maybe you threw up at first to make weight. By the time you got scared, you couldn't stop it. Your body was doing it for you." Gavin stands up and tries to ignore the truth. He can't handle the truth. Treat tells him that he can stop, that he doesn't have to win; he doesn't even have to compete. Gavin gives Treat some high-school sports mentality bullshit about how he doesn't get it, how hard he's trained, blah blah blah WIN-CAKES!!!! He's suddenly Emilio Estevez in The Breakfast Club. We hear the crowd cheering in the background. Treat realizes that his words have fallen on deaf ears as Gavin walks into the gym, saying, "Don't worry about me, Doc. I'm fine." He gives Treat a charming little smile. Finally, a riveting MEOW.
We cut immediately to the wrestling match. It's loud, and raucous, and it's not even Gavin's turn yet. Ephram walks in with Bucky. Ephram addresses his Spanish teacher as "Señor Walker." Señor Walker says, "Madison?" Madison: "Josh." Ephram: "Josh?" Turns out Señor Walker was Madison's prom date when he was a senior and she was a freshman. Awkward. They look for seats, and find Amy and Eyebrows already sitting down. Amy introduces Eyebrows. Ephram introduces Madison, grabbing her hand and proclaiming, "We better get seats. I have to get her back to campus." Oh, Ephram. You're such a fool. Madison looks mortified, once again. She totally should.
Rinda's House. Treat arrives, late. Rinda is clearly irritated. Treat explains that he's late because of his "case," and apologizes. Rinda doesn't really give a shit. She's like, "How do you think this is going?" Treat says he thinks it's going great. Rinda says she agrees, and wishes she didn't, because then they could just break up and Treat wouldn't have to find reasons to hide from her. Treat denies everything. Rinda tells him to just forget it, and goes to get her coat. Treat continues to argue and defend himself, and he should stop while he's ahead. Rinda says things are getting complicated, and it makes sense that he would retreat into medicine, where he's in control. She says she's trying to understand what's going on. Treat gets all mad, and argues back, saying she doesn’t know what she's talking about. They argue back and forth, getting more and more upset, until Treat finally says, "Let it go. All right, here we go again. Will you just stop it, Julia?" Oh, shit. No he di'in't. They both stand there, more uncomfortable than they've ever been in their lives. Treat says, "Let me explain." Rinda: "You don't need to." She tells him that he should go. Sad Piano of Dead Wives plays as Rinda holds the door open for Treat.
Wrestling Match. It's nearly Gavin's turn. He takes off his warm-up jacket to reveal one of those incredibly unflattering wrestling outfits. We cut to Bright, in the hall. Amy and Eyebrows see him. Amy goes to talk to her brother. Bright isn't having any of it. He tells Amy that she shouldn't have brought her crackhead boyfriend. Amy blames it on her parents, saying it was "their call." Bright calls her on it, saying that Amy chose Eyebrows over their family, and now she's blaming them? "You have no idea what you did to them when you left. It's like you gave up everything you used to care about. It's Colin all over again." Amy is stunned. She walks off to use the bathroom.
Eyebrows retardedly attempts to smooth things over with Bright. He tells Bright that he knows it's not his family. Bright: "No, it's not. So just stay out of it." Eyebrows keeps on. Bright gets up in Eyebrows's grill. "Bro, whatever you're about to say is gonna be wrong, so why don't you just back off?" Alas! Eyebrows does not back off. He fucks up by going on. He says he's not trying to start anything. Bright says he already did that when he came after his sister. Eyebrows clenches his jaw. Bright: "What, messing up your own life wasn't enough, now you gotta take down ours? What's one more messed-up family, right?" Ouch. Eyebrows: "No wonder she left you guys." Crazy rock-star guitar music starts as Bright knocks the shit out of Eyebrows. We cut immediately to Gavin's wrestling match. The rest of the scene is Bright and Eyebrows fighting, intercut with Gavin's wrestling match. It's intense, man. Bright hits Eyebrows. Gavin wrestles. The Chemical Brothers play. Eyebrows takes down Bright. Gavin pins his opponent. Amy Abbott returns from the powder room, and gives her brother eyes of hate. The band plays on. Bright throws Eyebrows into a table. Gavin is declared the winner. Faculty break up Bright and Eyebrows. The referee pulls up Gavin's arm in victory. Amy ushers Eyebrows out of the school. Bright still wants to fight, but is led away by a teacher. Fucking AWESOME. Commercial.
Bright and Patch in the Guidance Counselor's office. Same guidance counselor with the infertile miner lesbian wife, by the way. Bright has a black eye, and it is sort of hot. Guidance Counselor tells Bright that the school has a zero-tolerance policy on violence, and he's suspended. Bright's all, "Excuse me? You're suspending me for fighting with Crackhead Tommy Callahan?" Guidance Counselor says there's nothing he can do, and that a letter about it has to go out to any college Bright applies to. That, my friends, is bullshit, but whatever. Patch looks like he might throw up. Guidance Counselor asks Bright what he was thinking. Bright: "I screwed up. That's what I do." Aw, Bright. You can screw up with me any time you want, if you know what I am saying, and I'm certain that you do. Chris Pratt is acting the shit out of this, by the way. CALL ME BRIGHT!!! Oh, did I say that?
Bright and Patch walk out of the school. Bright tells his dad, "If you're going to yell at me, will you do it now and get it over with?" Patch tells his son that he's not going to yell at him. He says that Bright knows he thinks fighting is completely unacceptable…but "if I had been in your position, I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing." Hell, yes, Patch. Bright tells his dad that he couldn’t help himself after what Eyebrows has done to their family. "I'm sorry. He got up in my face, and I kept thinking about what he did to you…ever since she left, you don't talk anymore. You look miserable all the time. You're like Amy used to be." Aw. Patch tells Bright that he's not supposed to be worrying about his parents, but the other way around. Bright and Patch both notice Amy sitting at a nearby table. She looks at her dad and brother with Bangs of Sadness. They both glare, and pass by her wordlessly. Cold. But not too cold.
Ephram, at Madison's doorstep. She walks up, and he tells her that he brought her a peace offering of pizza. Madison's like, "Where are the flowers? You have a lot to learn, kiddie." She turns towards her door, and there sits a huge vase of flowers. Ephram: "I'm pretty quick." Boo-yah, Bucky. Ephram tells her he know he messed up, but he won't defend what he knows was stupid. He just wanted to introduce her to his world. Madison: "You weren't introducing me. You were using me." I'm going to have to agree, sweet Ephram. Ephram says he doesn't want their lives to be totally separate anymore. Madison says she's not ready for other people not to be okay with them. Which is code for: "I'm just saying that because I'm totally embarrassed to be dating you." They talk about that for a little while, and it's totally cheesy, then they go inside and make out. Die, Madison. Awesome. I still have the hate. We HATES the Madisonsssss!
High School. Treat finds Gavin in the locker room, showing another kid some wrestling move. Treat congratulates Gavin on going to state, even though he did so through diligent vomiting. Treat tells Gavin he wanted to talk to him. Gavin says he thought they already did that. Treat says he was talking to Gavin's disease before the match. "And you do have a disease." Gavin is all, "I just won. I don't need a lecture." Treat tells Gavin that he's just a kid, and doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. He says that what he's doing doesn't make him special, it makes him bulimic. "It's not exotic or new. It's textbook. People don't gain strength from bulimia. They get weak. They get ulcers and heart failure and they DIE." Gavin does not care. He tells Treat he doesn't need his help. Treat says that he's done all he can, and has told his parents, coaches, and teachers, and it's now up to them to help the person they say they care so much about. He tells Gavin that his eating disorder is going to be the fiercest opponent ever, and he may never beat it. Gavin tries to act indifferent, but he is a little bit scared now. Treat is like, "All the people that say they care about you have done nothing but root for you to win at state. So I'm going to be the lone voice of dissent. I'm gonna root against you. I hope you lose." Awesome, Treat. Gavin looks at Treat, rolls his eyes, and says, "I won't." Okay, not so awesome, Treat. But I liked your speech. Now, grin.
Amy Abbott. She tells Eyebrows that she had no idea Bright was that mad at her. She wallows in lots of self-pity, saying her dad can't even look at her, and she's pretty sure her grandparents don't want her around, either. Cry me a river, Princess. Eyebrows makes a stupid joke which I will not be recapping. He says it's all his fault, and that Amy never had these kinds of problems before he came along. Amy says that Bright was right, she did choose Eyebrows over her family, and if she could have it all, she would. Here's a tip, Amy Abbott: Shut up. Nurse Edna knocks on the door, because she actually has manners, and asks Amy if she has a minute. Eyebrows leaves, trying to charm Edna in the process. Edna tells Amy that she is always welcome at their house, but she needs to be more considerate. Amy apologizes insincerely, because why should she give a shit? Everyone does everything she says anyway. Edna, to prove this point, gives Amy her own cordless phone, and says that her very own line will be installed directly. Edna also shows Amy the lock she has purchased for hers and Irv's bedroom door. Hee. Before she leaves, Edna reassures Amy that the sex she saw earlier showed Good Strong Genes. "I am your future, you know." Hee, and ew.
Treat knocks on Rinda's door. When she answers, he tells her, "No talking for two minutes." Rinda smiles half-heartedly, and invites him in. Instead of not talking, Rinda immediately launches into her You Don't Want To Date Me Because of My HIV, Right? speech. Treat tells Rinda that that isn't it at all; he knows the risks, and is okay with them. Rinda's all, "Then what's the problem, Sparky?" Treat says he's not afraid of sleeping with her because of the HIV, he's afraid of what it means: that if they take their relationship to the level, it could be something that lasts a whole lifetime. Treat needs to take a cold shower and slow it down. He says he never thought he'd be "here" again, but he is. Rinda smiles sweetly, and jokingly tries to kick him out. Treat says he's already made plans for Delia, and Rinda says, "What made you so sure that I would accept your apology?" Treat goes to kiss her, and I think he has his answer.
Brown House. Ephram arrives home, makes out with himself in the mirror, and goes to sit down on the couch with his dad. Get it? It's the same scene as the beginning, except different! This time they both got some! Awesome! And, gross. Treat: "How was your night?" Ephram: "Pretty good. You?" Treat: "Fine. Quiet." Except for the loud doing it. Treat tells Ephram they can watch anything, and Ephram says he thinks they should just flip. They both adjust their balls in a manly way. Irv tells us, "It's amazing how far we'll go just to maintain some measure of control. The world spins a circle within a circle, and we grip so tight it makes our knuckles white, when all we really want to do is let go. Lose control; fall; see where we land."
week on Everwood: Eyebrows is an asshole to Amy. And you're surprised?