And now, before we begin: A delightful little post I found on WB's Everwood forums. In a thread concerning whether Emily VanCamp and Gregory Smith smoked, "SerendipityNy16" had this to say:
i have many pet peeves,and smoking is one of them. Smoking in my opinion is just straight out disgusting. They might as well put a big sign on the cigarrette box saying" Smoke me and you'll shorten your life span" People are so ignorant when they smoke cigarrettes, don't they get it? Smoking may "sooth" your nerves or whatever,but they're just causing more harm to your body.
Wow. Thanks for the PSA, Stupendipity. I'm no "soothesayer," but I think a smoke right now would really "sooth" my nerves.
Previously on Everwood, Amy finds out that Colin's coming home; yep, that's about it.
We open on a poker game in progress. Irv tells us, "At the heart of every tale is the hero who inspired it. Legends whose names are known, whose lives we remember, whose stories we pass on…Dr. Brown was a legend in his own right by the time he came to Everwood, but he wasn't the only one." The camera pans around the table: Edna, Irv, Delia -- who all seem to have pretty shitty hands -- and a strange blonde lady. The other legend, presumably. She has a full house. She says, "Wait until I tell Uta, she'll be thrilled!" Treat asks, "You studied acting under Uta Hagen?" Blonde lady: "Not acting, dahling...poker!" Uh, whatever. Edna says to tell everyone about the time they met Jack Lemmon in "the john." Irv tells Delia, "She was in the men's room." Delia giggles. Uta's Poker Protegé tells the story that she was in a restaurant, and accidentally walked into the men's room, where "Mister Jack Lemmon himself" was just finishing up his business. She was so embarrassed that she stood there waiting for him to finish "zipping up," then said, "Well...nobody's perfect!" Delia says she doesn't get it. I don't get it either, and even if I did, it still wouldn't be funny. Treat explains to Delia that it's the last line from an old movie. Yeah. Still not funny.
Uta's Girl follows Treat into the kitchen for some water, and tells him how beautiful his home is. Treat thanks her and asks her why she came to Everwood. She says that she was living in New York when a friend asked her to direct a stock production at the "opera house." Huh? Everwood has an opera house? No, it does not. Uta's Girl says she was only going to stay the summer...twelve years ago. Of course, because giving up a glamorous life in New York for a tiny town in the middle of nowhere is something every young actress longs to do! I smell foreshadowing, and it's not very appetizing. Uta's Girl goes on to say that she directs shows in Denver occasionally and teaches classes, but every winter she directs a musical, right there in Everwood! Edna is her stage manager, and she tells Treat that he simply has to audition. The play this year is The King and I. Treat says he hasn't done a musical since high school, and that he wasn't very good -- he couldn't remember his lines. Uta's Girl does this little laugh-cough thing, and excuses herself. Treat tells her to stop by his office tomorrow to get it checked out. What, her laugh? She didn't even sound sick to me. Treat's a genius! Uta says she's fine. That's right, I'm just calling her Uta now. I know it doesn't make any sense. Plus, it's a funny name. Who's writing this recap anyway? She concedes that she'll stop by Treat's office if he tries out for her play. Treat says he's not wearing "balloon pants," but he'll think about it.
Irv wants to play another hand, but Treat says that Delia has to go to bed. Delia says to Uta, "It was nice meeting you, Evelyn." Ah, so that's her name. Not anymore, it isn't. And secondly, I don't think it's appropriate for someone Delia's age to be calling an adult she just met by her first name. If I can still call my best friend's mom "Miss Ann," I certainly think that Delia could show her elders a little respect. Also, I'm fifty-seven years old. Uta asks Delia if she's trying out for her musical. Delia shrugs. Uta gushes, "But you have such expressive eyes, you'd be a natural!" Delia: "I have expressive eyes?" Uta: "You've got to be kidding! Nicole Kidman would kill for those peepers!" Gag. I know I'm supposed to like this Uta/Evelyn lady, but she's killing me with the melodrama. Like, Delia's eyes are very pretty, but enough with the histrionics, Sharon Stone. Uta asks Delia if she sings. Treat proud-daddies behind Delia, "She has a beautiful voice -- takes after her mother that way." Uta says, "Okay, it's agreed. Auditions this week and don't you forget!" Except for the part where Delia agreed, but whatever. She thanks Uta, and Treat trots her off to bed, booming, "And just like that, a STAR is born!" Delia tells her dad he has to buy her sheet music first thing tomorrow. Treat: "And the star's assistant." Is this scene over?
Whew. Credits. Mmm, Stoli Vanil and Coke.
Colin stands on the sidewalk, looking lobotomized high as a kite sleepy. Bright and Amy pull up. Amy jumps out and over-enthuses, "Hey! Ready for your first day of school?" Colin says, "Sure. What's that?" Amy is holding a red and gold jacket, which she tells Colin is his "Miners jacket," and that he might want to wear it for his first day. Colin, again, says, "Sure." Awesome scriptwork, you guys! Colin gets in, and Bright guns it. No, he totally does. I guess they were late.
School grounds. Bright, Amy, Colin, and Amy's super-bitchy friend from episodes of bitchiness walk in slow motion towards the school, with Music of Badassery playing in the background. They're cool! They're popular! They're all back together again now that Coma Boy's here! Bright keeps telling people to get out of the way, that his "brotha has returned." Ew. Amy is explaining Colin's schedule to him, telling him who his teachers are. She says, "We have Mrs. Chapman for Journalism. She's not nice at all unless she likes you, of course, and then you're golden." Colin asks, "Does she like me?" Amy tells him, "Everyone likes you, Colin." Aw. Amy says she'll show him where homeroom is.
Eeeeeee!phram and his annoying little friend Wendell are walking their bikes up to the school. Wendell says it's weird seeing Amy and Colin together again. Ephram says he wouldn't know. He looks cold. I should probably take him a jacket. Wendell says he knows Ephram is "feeling kinda destroyed right now," but that he's "here for you, buddy." Ephram wants to know why he would be feeling destroyed. Wendell says that Ephram has just been holding Colin's place in line, and that he wasted all that time on Amy for nothing. Ephram says it wasn't for nothing. Wendell agrees that it was just a "practice crush. Now you can spend your time on somebody more your speed." Ephram: "Shut up, Wendell." Everyone else: "Shut up, Wendell."
Everwood Opera House of Suspended Disbelief. Patch Abbott is standing outside, warming up his voice. "Miney miney miney miney miiiine. Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles." Hee. He wishes a few people some totally insincere good luck, and continues warming up: "Me me me me me me me me meeeee." Edna interrupts him to ask why he's there so early, because he's not auditioning until four. He says that he's scheduled for a three o'clock audition, Mother, and she says it's too bad that she wrote him down for four. Patch Abbott: "Mommy mommy mommy mommy mommm..."
As Delia and Treat walk up to the "Opera House," Treat tells Delia that she's looking at one of the oldest theatres in Colorado. Uh huh. Delia says it looks like a picture. She wonders if the theatre has regular toilets, because they might not have had them in the "olden days." Patch Abbott overhears, and interrupts, "If this is the result of home schooling, I'd reconsider your options." Treat says he takes it that Patch is auditioning. Patch calls it a "formality, but yes." Delia remarks that Dr. Abbott doesn't seem scared at all. Patch tells them smugly that he's played the lead in every winter musical for the last six years. Treat: "I bet you made a great Gypsy." Patch Abbott tells Treat that he's sure Evelyn will find him a great place in the chorus.
Uta breezes up just then, doing her best Audrey Hepburn impression in sunglasses and a scarf, and says that there's room in her musical for EVERYONE! Patch tells her it's wonderful to see her, and she gushes, "Are my eyes deceiving me, or have you lost weight since last year?" Patch Abbott says he's "increased the cardio." Random townsperson Brenda runs up to KissAsselyn, who tells Brenda, "You look more radiant every time I see you!" What is UP with her, seriously? Brenda wants Uta to look over her music selection, as does Delia. Uta says she'll help them after she's had time to "settle in."
Treat follows Uta inside, of course. He tells her that they need to talk. She tells him that he can sing "Happy Birthday" if he doesn't have a song prepared. Treat informs her that she missed her follow-up appointment. She apologizes, and suggests they meet later. Treat says they should. Uta "very well"s him and walks off. Treat stares blankly after her, in what appears to be excruciating pain. Meow?
The high school. Colin and Ephram are in the bathroom. Colin says to Ephram, "I know you." Ephram says that he's new here, so probably not. Colin does too know him: "You're Ephram Brown, the kid from New York." Ephram, meet your newest stalker. Ephram says, "That's me." Colin says he knows all about Ephram. My boyfriend looks tragic, as he should. He says, "You shouldn't waste your Google time on me, all right? I'm not that interesting." Colin says, "Bright told me about you...your dad saved my life. I met him a few times in rehab. He's the one that did the operation, right?" Ephram says, "That's what Bright told you?" Colin says, "That's what everyone told me. They said he's some kind of a genius." Ephram: "He likes to think so." Oh, ow. I thought they were getting along? Colin continues, "Well, you're cool with me. It's nice to meet you, Ephram." Ephram looks like he'd rather be eating cow anus on Fear Factor than having this conversation. He reluctantly shakes Colin's hand. I love the way his eyes are all puffy, like he cries about not being able to meet me in person every day.
Treat's office. Uta is, once again, kissing some ass -- and trying to buy herself some time before she learns that she's the MEOW -- by asking Dr. Brown where he was last year when she was building the set of "Brigadoon," he's done THAT GOOD of a job on his office! Treat: "Why don't you sit down, Evelyn?" Uta doesn't want to. She blathers on about the pretty, pretty office, his family pictures, your children are beautiful, great audition, blah blah blah procrastination-cakes. Treat says he has the results of her bloodwork, and he's sorry to tell her..."I think you'll be very happy with the role I've chosen for you!" Uta interrupts. Give it a rest, lady. Treat tries to go on, "Evelyn, what I'm trying to tell you is --" Evelyn, again with the interrupting: "That I have leukemia?" GAH. As MEOWs go, this one is by far the most unbelievable and unnecessary. It's just an excuse for a) an actual medical condition in this episode, and b) wackiness to ensue. And it shows, my friends. Uta tells Treat that she's been down this road before. He says he didn't know. Uta says that nobody in Everwood knows, because the real reason she came here was to die. This is after she had been "cast as a lead opposite Julie Harris in a production at Lincoln Center," of course. She abandoned the play, moved to Everwood to die, and miraculously got better. Jesus. What , she's actually a member of the Raelian Revolution, and her fancy alien genes aided in her remission? And THAT is when her cousin suggested that Uta direct the winter production. "You see, Doctor? I came here to die, and instead ended up living the best years of my life." Gag me with a cocktail spoon.
Treat pulls that little grin and nod we're all so fond of, and I'm not pointing any fingers at Sars and my husband, but crushes on Treat are just weird. ["No need to remind me." -- Sars] He tells Uta that what they're going to do now is to get her to an oncologist right away for a bone marrow aspiration and chemo. He keeps talking about treatment and trials and you can tell that Uta doesn't care at all. She asks if Edna knows. Treat says he hasn't told her. Uta tells Treat that he "mustn't tell anyone. Promise me." Treat won't. Uta says she better go make some phone calls, and makes sure he's going to be at rehearsal tomorrow. "You bet!" Treat beams. Uta tells him he's going to be great, and leaves to make some phone calls to her damn agent for making her play this ridiculous role. Commercial.
Andy Brown's Office of Really Dumb Ailments. Treat greets Edna good morning; Edna greets him back with, "Mighty cold day in hell, Sarge." Oh, how I've missed you, Feisty Nurse Edna. She's reading a letter of some sort, and informs Treat, "Evelyn flew the coop." She tells Treat that Uta went back to New York: "Something about helping her sister move, spending more time with her nephew." Treat asks when she left the letter. Edna says it was under her doorstep that morning. She says it's not like Evelyn to do something like this. "Why?" Edna wants to know. "Did you know anything about this?" Treat keeps his lips zipped. He says he's sure she'll be back. Edna says that Uta wants her to direct the play, and that "obviously the woman has lost her mind." Treat thinks it's a great idea for Edna to direct the play. Edna snarks, "Are you self-medicating again? If some person wearing all black asks me what's their motivation, I'm liable to smack 'em." Treat tells Edna that directing is just bossing people around and making them do things her way, and nobody does that better than she does. Edna says, "Nice try, but your sweet talk won't work with me." She says she bosses people around without the fancy title. Treat says she's a born leader, and that's why Evelyn knows she can do it. Edna: "I did pick up a few things from my 'Rumble in the Jungle' -- do you think that would apply?" Treat tells her that as long as she doesn't ask the cast to make necklaces out of people's ears, she'll do fine. Edna says that Treat will even be there to help, since he's been cast as the King of Siam. Treat is incredulous. He says there must be a mistake. Edna just wants to know whether they should shave his head or get him a bald cap. Edna's funny.
High school cafeteria. Wendell is yammering about something totally irrelevant, and Ephram tells him to shut up. No, he doesn't, but I want him to. They're going to sit down when Colin calls over to Ephram that he saved him a seat. At the cool kids' table, apparently, since Amy, Bright, and Super-Bitch are all sitting there. Ephram starts to decline, but Wendell tells him that if he says no, it's like "saying no to free comics, or like saying no to making out with Gwyneth Paltrow." There's something I wouldn't decline, either, and I'll tell you that for free. The Gwyneth part, I mean. I don't know anything about comics. Ephram's all, "Whatever, man. Okay," and goes to sit with these people who are about to be gigantic jackasses to him, I'm sure. Wendell says to bring him back a souvenir.
Ephram sits down. Colin says, "You all know Ephram, right?" Bright: "Sure...we do. How's it goin', dude?" I love me some Bright Abbott. Ephram looks too uncomfortable to live. Ephram: "'s goin' good. How's it goin' with you?" Bright: "Good! Thanks for asking." I love how Colin has no idea what's going on. Ephram rips Bright's throat out with his eyes. I know about something else he can rip...dammit. I promised myself to keep the Eeeee!phram love to a minimum, but I just can't do it, y'all. Super-Bitch tells Amy to scoot over because she's suffocating her. It's just the two of them on that side of the table. She's such a whore. I don't even know what she's trying to accomplish. Amy nearly whispers, "Hey Ephram." Colin says, "You guys obviously know each other." Amy says -- and here's where I have to kick her little ass -- "No, no, not really. Not so much." Ephram's expression is a mixture of the sadness and pain that I could totally help him with if he'd just return my phone calls. Colin mentions that they're both sophomores, so she and Ephram must have some classes together. Ephram rescues Amy, even though he shouldn't, with, "I rarely attend class." Super-Bitch butts in, "But he does go on field trips." Shut up, girlie. Amy kicks her under the table, then gets up and says she needs a drink. Excellent idea. She says, "You want anything from the vending machines, Colin?" Colin says he's fine, then stops her. "Wait up," he says. "Ephram, do you want anything?" Amy gives them both a hateful look. Ephram says he's good, even though he's really not -- he's horribly BAD, because Amy is MEAN. Colin and Ephram look at Amy at the same time, and she walks away.
Opera House. The cast is getting ready for their rehearsal. A little boy tells Delia that he can't believe she gets to be Anna's son, because it's not fair. Delia says, "It's fair. I have expressive eyes." More Delia, please. Patch Abbott marches in demanding to see Evelyn. Irv says, "Hello, Harold. Good to see you." Irv's too sweet to Patch. He could definitely take his scrawny ass; I don't know why he's so nice. Patch says he has to see Evelyn at once, because there's been a bad mistake. "The script I received has 'Chorus/King's Understudy' written on the front!" Irv tells Patch it's not a mistake. Patch says, "Who could be...?" and then catches sight of Treat on stage. Treat condescends, "Remember, Harold. There are no small parts, only small actors." Patch says whoever coined that phrase wasn't an understudy in a community theatre production. He demands again to see Evelyn, and Feisty Nurse Edna arrives to tell them that Evelyn won't be there today. Brenda says, "Well, who's our director?" Feisty Nurse Edna: "You're lookin' at her, cupcake." Heh. Edna tells them that Evelyn had a family emergency and put her in charge until she returned. Edna barks, "Now listen up, people, and listen up good. You all know my husband Irv. He will be operating as my stage manager." Irv finds this amusing; everyone else but Treat is in shock. Edna continues, "If he sees anyone bringing food or beverage into this establishment, he has my full permission to kick some thespian butt. This includes children." The little boy from before runs away. Aw. Scared kids are funny. Edna tells the cast to commence with the read-through, and they all stand there wondering what hit them.
Bright is dropping Colin off from school. Bright tells Colin he'll pick him up "tomorrow. 7:30?" Colin tells Bright he doesn't have to keep driving him to school every day. Bright says that they always came together. I'm not even going to make the joke that I should right here. It's too easy. Colin says if it's not out of Bright's way, that would be good. Bright says that it will all start coming back to Colin, as long as they get into the groove, and stick to their old routine -- "the way it used to be." Colin wants to know what Bright means. Bright says, "Like, with lunch and everything. We have a pretty set table. Maybe if we keep it the same way, you'll have a better shot of jarring up those old memories." Oh, Bright. How can you disappoint me like this? Colin says, "You mean Ephram?" Bright says that Ephram isn't like them, or like Colin. He says it's like "ketchup and peanut butter. Really bad." Colin says that whatever Bright has against Ephram, he's going to have to let it go, because "as far as I'm concerned he's one of us now." Colin, you know I didn't mean it about you looking stoned or stupid or whatever, right? I was totally drunk when I said that. I was just kidding! Love you! Colin tells Bright to "work it out," and gives him a little "chin up!" grin.
Ephram's alone in his room, working on his computer. He's listening to angsty music. I wonder if he got my email. A noise startles him, and it turns out to be Amy throwing rocks at his window. Nice move, Juliet. Ephram lets her in the back door, and tells her, for future reference, she can always use the doorbell. She says she needs to talk to him. Ephram: "And apparently, it's quite urgent." Amy wants to know why he and Colin are all of a sudden so buddy-buddy. Ephram tells her that Colin approached him first. Amy says, "He did? Why?" Ephram smarts back, "I don't know, maybe he thinks I'm pretty." Well. I think we all know what I think about that. Amy says that Ephram must have done something to get Colin's attention, and that she doesn't think it's a good idea for them to be friends, basically. Ephram says, "Well, it's nice to know that you're thinking about everybody else for a change instead of just yourself." Ow. Amy tells him that "it's just uncomfortable." Ephram asks why. Amy can't answer. He says, "Whatever. I have no interest in being your boyfriend's buddy, so you don't have anything to worry about." Amy says, "So you won't say anything about..." and Ephram says he won't. She says, "That's all I needed to hear." She gets up to leave. Ephram says, "Unless...he asks me directly." Amy asks what that means. He says, "Well, you did kiss me." Amy argues, "You kissed me first!" Ephram tells her he's sure it won't come up. She asks him if he's trying to upset her, and he says he's "just being honest." Amy tells him that it might be a good idea if he and Colin aren't friends at all -- "it's not like you have anything in common anyway." Why you got to pull this shit, Amy Abbott? It's petty and bratty and I'm trying really hard not to hate you right now. She backpedals a little, and Ephram says, "No, you're right, I mean, why would the most perfect guy in the world have anything in common with me, right?" Amy explains that she wants things to be the way they were with him, and with Colin, and it's just so complicated, that he's acting like somebody else, getting her frustrated. Just kidding. Ephram says he thinks she needs to leave. Now I kind of feel sorry for Amy. Not that Ephram did anything wrong, except maybe act a little insensitive. Okay, fine. He really did. I take this fine commercial opportunity to replenish my beverage. "Feeling no pain" is a good way to be, though I wouldn't know anything about that.
Treat is putting a cast on someone's leg as he practices his lines. "I have sixty-seven children!" he booms. The patient asks how long he'll have to have the cast. Treat tells him to focus with him for a minute, and goes back to trying to remember his lines. He really does suck at this. The patient tells him his line was wrong, that it was, "I have altogether sixty-seven children." They start again. Treat still can't remember the line. He says, "Wait, I have a line there?" The patient says, "You've been rehearsing this play for three weeks, shouldn't you know these lines better?" Treat: "You want to wear this cast forever?" He storms out, and tells Edna he needs more plaster. She asks him how his lines are going, and he says, "Great!" He walks back into his office, going, "I have altogether...forty...two?...children?" Poor Treat.
Irv comes in and asks Edna if she's ready to go to lunch. She says that she can't, because she has blocking to do, and it's going to be a disaster, and she's very stressed out. Irv says so. Edna says, "Stressed out, why would I be stressed out? The play goes up in three days, I have seven more dances to choreograph, I've got a lead who can't remember his damn lines, and I've got a stage manager who apparently thinks he's on VACATION!" Yeah, Edna needs a drink, too.
Ephram and Wendell walking through the school hallway. Someone calls out, "Yo, E, what's up?" "E"? The F? Hot girls pass by and flirt, "Hi, Ephram!" He asks Wendell why everyone knows his name all of a sudden. Wendell explains that Ephram is the new "it boy." He says Ephram is now Colin-approved, and that that makes a big difference in anyone's popularity, even Ephram's. Ephram says that Colin only likes him because of his dad. Wendell says, "Nepotism is a beautiful thing, E. Embrace it." Ephram tells Wendell never to call him "E" again. I can get behind that.
Opera House. Treat is mangling his lines. Brenda tries to help him. Nurse Edna says, "I could drive a train through those gaps, Brown. Speed it up!" Treat is hilarious with his big booming King of Siam voice, but he totally can't act. I hear that it's really hard to act badly, well. Did you get that? In any event, Treat Williams should get an Emmy for this performance. Treat: "I...I...already have...a plan." Patch Abbott, trying to help, from the background: "Already I have bring printing press here for printing." Treat: "WHAT HE SAID!" Edna loses her shit. She wants to know why her stage manager isn't back with her latte yet, and demands that they go "from the top. Faster!" Treat tries again. He and Brenda says their lines like they're on speed, until Brenda stops and says, "This is ridiculous. They don't talk this fast on West Wing." Edna tells Brenda to drop and give her twenty. Oh my God. She does it. Edna starts bitching at everyone else. Patch Abbott says, "For God's sake, Mother. This is a theatre, not a battlefield." He tells her she's directing all wrong. Meanwhile, Brenda's still trying for those twenty push-ups. Patch says that the cast is fed up, and they don't want to be treated like they're at boot camp. Edna says that if they're not doing it her way, they won't do it at all, and anyone who doesn't like it can leave. Everyone leaves. Oops. Feisty Nurse Edna done fucked up. Treat tries to console her, but she tells him to leave her alone.
Ooh, P.E. class. The coach tells Bright and "Ted" to pick teams for basketball. Bright picks first. "Ephram Brown." Ephram doesn't wanna. The coach tells him to move it. He asks Bright, "What are you doing?" Bright says, "Picking my team." Ephram reminds Bright that he hates him, Ephram. Bright says, "No...I don't. I like you." I love how Bright's so sunny when he's being fake. Ephram says, "Since when?" Bright: "I've always...been fond of you. I'm just -- I'm shy." Hee! Ephram challenges Bright to name one thing he likes about him. Bright says, "Just one? How about a thousand. You're sensitive, extremely clean..." It reads as so horrible and mean, but Chris Pratt's line delivery is perfect. He almost sounds sincere, until you remember that it's Bright saying these words. Ephram says he knows that Bright hates him, that it means the planets are aligned, and he doesn't want to mess with the universe. "Let's just leave it at that, okay?" Bright just blinks at him: "You wanna pick the guy?"
Theatre again. The curtain goes up, and Delia is singing onstage. She's so damn cute. Oh, no! She starts to forget her song, and the audience starts heckling her. The curtain goes down and knocks her over. She wakes up. "Yeah, I don't think so," she says to herself.
Treat knocks on Uta's door. Oh, you didn't know she was still in town? Neither did I. She answers with a turban on her head and a smile on her face. Ugh. She invites him in. Treat says he was just checking in. Uta says she's off to Minnesota the week -- presumably for chemo? I don't know. Don't really care. She thanks Treat for all his "string-pulling," and he says he feels like he hasn't done enough. Uta wants to know what he's really there for. He says that he thinks she should "tell them." He says that the town cares about her, and that they could support her through this rough time. Uta doesn't want that, for whatever reason. She says she doesn't want sympathy, and that there's dignity in solitude. Treat doesn't agree. He says nobody should have to go through something like this alone. Blah blah blah. He says that it's okay to let them see that she's human. He says, "I know what it's like -- people think of you as this god, and they worship you to the point where they turn you into something that you can't ever really be...you don't have to be perfect. You can be sick, and they'll still love you." Oy vey. Uta says that "these people need [her] to be their hero," and that she loves playing the role. She says she likes the adoration of the masses, and that way everyone gets what they want. She says if she doesn't get better, they'll still get what they've always had -- an idea of her. I have an idea. Shut up, Evelyn. Treat says it's not fair to Edna, either, because she's working her ass off and has no idea why. Yeah, I think that's pretty shitty, too. Uta says, "There are lots of things in life that aren't fair, darling. You of all people should know that." Gross. This scene is ludicrous.
Back at the high school, Colin asks Ephram if he needs a ride home. Ephram says he has his bike. Colin says they can put his bike in the back. Amy and Bright exchange evil looks, because they're acting rather assy this week. Amy says, "Maybe he wants to ride his bike." Colin insists that Ephram should have a ride. Okay, now, my closed-captioning says, "Come on, we can make room. Amy can sit in my lap..." but I swear that the words out of Colin's mouth are, "Come on, we can make room. You could sit in my lap." I am not making this up. Maybe that's why Ephram gets so mad. He tells Colin, "I don't need a ride. I don't need to be sitting at your tables, or playing on your teams, or any of it." Bright says, "Dude, what is your problem?" Ephram, who is wearing the cutest homeless gloves ever, says, "You're my problem, dude." Then, to Colin: "My dad helped you. If you want to thank him, be my guest, but I had nothing to do with it. So you can just leave me the hell alone. Believe it or not, I have no interest in being your charity case." DAY-um. Colin says it's not like that. He doesn't understand. Ephram says that they should just all go back to the way it was; they can go back to ignoring him, and he can do the same. He leaves. Bright pulls a total Urban Cowboy on his sister: "Amy, get in the truck." I automatically say to the TV, "You're not my daddy, Bud, you can't tell me what to do!" I kind of wish that had been Amy's real line. It would have been funnier than this mean little drama they've got going on. Music Of Sadness And Regret plays as they drive away. Commercial break.
We come back to Feisty Edna, nursing a drink in a bar. Get it? Nursing? Oh, man. I'm fired, aren't I? This episode just seems so long. Uta walks up in a ski cap and sits down to Edna. She orders what Edna's having. Edna says, "Evelyn? I thought you were in New York." She looks overly concerned. Uta says her letter was bullshit, and that she's a fantastic liar. Edna says, "Well, the joke's on you, because it turns out I'm a lousy director." She says she ruined the musical. Uta tries to make her feel better. Edna says she tried, but she's not "you, Evelyn." Uta says, "No, you're not. You're better. You're real, and real people make mistakes." Uh, what? See, I told you she was a Raelian! Edna apologizes some more. Uta says that she didn't pick Edna because she was the perfect director; she picked her because she knew Edna wouldn't be, and because she knew that wouldn't stop her. Uta says she heard that she made "a teeny-weeny casting faux pas." Edna says, "Oh boy. So you wouldn't mind...?" Uta says, "Darling. The play is yours." Dude. I'm real sick of "darling." Edna looks at her, and says, "You probably shouldn't drink that." Uta says, "Well...nobody's perfect." They embrace. Gah. And also, how did Edna know she was sick? The ski cap? Dumb, dumb, dumb. Or maybe I'm dumb. Whatever, it's all dumb.
Treat is in Delia's bedroom. He says, "Looks normal to me, sweetheart. What exactly is it that's bothering you?" Delia says, "Let's see. I've been having hot flashes, insomnia, and osteoporosis." Hee. Treat says it does sound serious. Delia says it is serious, and that she probably shouldn't be around people for awhile. Treat says, "Well, menopause isn't normally contagious, honey. Then again, it's also rare for it to occur in nine-year-old girls." Delia informs her father that there's a first time for everything. Speaking of which, telling your child that she looks like a TV star, but only when she wears a baseball cap, may or may not be the right thing to do. Manipulative? Maybe. Cute? Definitely. Treat says that he should probably take Delia to the hospital to run some tests, with needles. Delia retracts her earlier menopausal statement, and says that maybe she just doesn't want to be in the play anymore. She's worried that she'll be bad, and that everyone will boo her. Treat says that if they boo anyone, it'll be the guy who can't remember his lines. He assures her that she won't "stink." She says, "Well, maybe I won't stink as bad as you, but even so, I could forget everything, even how to sing!" Aw, Delia. Treat tells her that he was scared when he had to do brain surgery after a long time, but that he pretended he was okay, when he was really scared. He said he got so good at pretending to be fine that he actually was. He tells her to "fake it until you make it." Delia says she thinks she could do that. Treat says, "I know you can. Your mom would be so proud of you." Wah.
The high school. Colin stops Ephram in the hall. He says, "I lied to you, Ephram. I made you think the reason I wanted to be your friend was because of your dad, but it's not. It's something else." I knew it! Everyone loves Ephram. Colin says that he doesn't know Ephram, and that more importantly, Ephram doesn't know him. He says that Ephram is the only person in the school with no expectations of him. He says that, in a way, they're both new. Colin says, "You look about as out of place as I feel. What I don't get is why you don't like me." He wants to know if there's a reason. Ephram says, "No. No reason. We're cool." They walk off, and Ephram says, "Now let's talk about this 'E' thing." Heh. Amy sees them talking, and flounces off like the baby brat that she is. Man alive, Amy needs to chill.
Diner. Edna walks in and addresses the crowd. She says, "You look nice today, Baxworth. Radiant. And Alice! You make a fine Tuptim. I like what you've done with the part. I should have told you that before. I'm sorry if I haven't been very..." "Nice?" asks Brenda. Edna glares. "Encouraging." She tells Delia what a great job she's doing, then says, "And Dr. Brown? You're fired." Ha! Andy's all, "Wha?" Edna goes on, "Executive decision. Had to be made. I'd appreciate it if you'd turn in your walking papers and exit without too much of a fuss." Treat argues a little bit, but he still can't get the lines right even when Edna quizzes him. She turns to Patch, and asks him to play the King of Siam. Patch says, "I don't know, Spielberg's heard of my work as an understudy." Edna tells him they need him, and of course he agrees. Patch has been waiting for this the whole time. Edna tells them to finish their pie, because they have a dress rehearsal to get on.
Back at the theatre. It's opening night, I'm assuming. Ephram and Treat are in the audience. Reading the handbill, Ephram tells Treat that Delia was never in Romeo & Juliet, nor was she the little girl in Sleepless in Seattle. He says, "She wasn't even born when that came out!" Treat says if you're going to dream, dream big. Rock on, Delia. Colin approaches them and tells Treat that he wants to thank him in person for everything he's done. Treat offers him encouragement, and says his improvement is all the thanks he needs. Colin asks Ephram to sit with them. Ephram says no thanks, that he's going to "chill with [his] dad." Colin nods, and leaves. It's really a cute moment, and totally not in a HoYay way. Treat says that he didn't know Ephram knew Colin. Ephram says they sort of do, and that surprisingly, it has nothing to do with Amy. Treat says, "So why don't you go sit with him?" Ephram says, "Because of Amy." They exchange some banter about Treat's getting fired from the role, and Ephram says, "Dad. It's nice to know you're not awesome at everything." Oh, Eeeeee!phram.
Backstage, Nurse Edna gives her cast a pep talk, and tells them how proud she is of them. Patch Abbott is decked out all bald in his King of Siam duds, and it's cracking me up. The cast gets into place. Irv tells us, "Evelyn Rauser had an expression for the few seconds before the curtain went up. She called it the holy time. But you don't have to be an actor to know what the holy time feels like. It's that breath you take just before you become the person you're meant to become." Oh, and Evelyn is just walking into the back of the theatre as Irv is saying this, but let's not ruin a nice moment, shall we?