Treat opens the door to his house and calls to his children. "Anybody home?" Not a soul answers, so he shuts the door and gets all excited that he can peacefully hide all the Christmas presents he's holding. Ah, Strings of Zany Antics to Come, there you are. As Treat opens the coat closet and looks for a good hiding place, Irv tells us, "Holidays are an age-old ritual; solemn rites passed down from one generation to the . A time for family and friends and good cheer. They're also a time for giving and receiving; a time for surprises. Some surprises are hidden in boxes, wrapped up in colorful paper and ribbons. Still others we carry inside, concealed in our own hearts, while we wait for just the right moment to reveal them." Enough already, Irv. Hmm, I wonder if something...I don't know, surprising is about to happen?
Treat busily squirrels his gifts away, and hears Ephram and Madison coming in just in time to hide himself in the closet. Ephram's all, "See? Nobody home. Now we can totally make out on this couch here." Madison doesn't wanna. She is afraid. Ephram assures her that everything will be fine. Madison says, "What if your dad comes in?" Ephram says that Treat is "totally clueless," and would have no idea what was going on even if he did come in. Meanwhile, Treat watches the entire exchange through a crack in the closet door. Ephram + Madison = Dumbasses. Ephram insults his father some more, then pulls Madison to him so he can French her and then maybe get to second base. Treat, who has had quite enough, thank you, tries to open the closet door, which appears to be stuck. Madison tells Ephram that he has to tell Treat about their relationship, and Ephram promises he will, "if you promise to teach me that tongue curl thing you were talking about." Ew. EW! EWWWWW. I may never recover from that line. They giggle and fall all over each other onto the couch, and Treat rescues us all by finally busting through the closet door. Ephram and Madison jump up like they're on fire. Treat bellows, "What the HELL is going on?" Behind him, the shelf holding all the gifts falls down. Aw. Irv informs us, "Unfortunately, not all surprises are good ones," and we go to the credits.
Brown House of Fatherly Lectures. Treat tells Ephram and Madison that what they are doing is beyond unacceptable. Ephram tells Treat that he's overreacting. Treat says he doesn't think it would be possible to overreact to something like this. Madison jumps in, "I wanted to tell you." Treat says, "So I heard. Right after the [EWWWW!] tongue-curling lessons!" Ephram tries to blame Treat instead, accusing him of spying. God. Shut up, Ephram. I'm very sorry, and I love you, but you need to STOW IT, boyfriend. Treat's all, "THIS is why there's no privacy when you're sixteen." Ephram tries to tell his dad that it's none of his business. Treat argues that hiring Madison to babysit, then aiding and abetting a felony is damn sure his business. There's been some talk on the forums that, legally, in Colorado, what Ephram and Madison are doing is not actually a felony. That may be true, but Making A Recapper Gag Repeatedly carries a sentence of up to five years in the state of TWoP, my friends. Ephram says something about it being better if he had sex with someone his own age, and Madison freaks. "No sex. No sex at all." Treat gives them the opposite of the Treat-grin, which is...the Treat-grimace? He says that the fact is, Madison isn't Ephram's age, and that makes all the difference. He tells Madison that his first thought is to fire her, and then to kill Ephram, but he's not going to. He says that firing Madison wouldn't be fair to Delia, so she can stay, but their relationship is over. Ephram tries to argue, but Treat is NOT having it. Ephram protests again, because he is just stupid enough to test a man of Treat's stature and current state of rage, but Madison cuts him off. She tells Treat it's over, and never should have happened. Ephram gives Madison a look like "Wha?" Believe it, baby. Treat tells Madison he thinks she should go home now. Ephram tries to follow her, but Treat tells him, "You even think about it, she's fired and you're grounded for life." Yay! This episode is Treat-a-licious.
Abbott House. Patch Abbott is Dustbustering everything in the house. Bright walks in the living room with a snack. Patch yells, "Crumbs!" Hee. Patch tells Bright he can have crumbs when his grandparents have gone home...or died. Oh, goody! Rose opens the door and announces, "We're home!" Hey, it's Betty White! I wonder if she's traveled down the road and back again. Shut up. Grandma Betty hugs and kisses all over Bright, and asks Patch if he was maybe not well enough to accompany Rose to the airport. Hee. Rose's dad, "Herb," who seems like a nice enough man, adjusts his hearing aid and asks Patch for a Scotch. Good idea, Herb. Grandma Betty asks after Amy. Rose and Patch exchange glances and mumble something about her being home later. Patch sees that Bright is taking his grandparents' bags up to Patch and Rose's room, starts to protest, and is cut off by Grandma Betty: "I need to pee." Classy. Patch rolls his eyes the first of many times this hour.
Downtown Everwood. Amy walks out of the drugstore with Eyebrows. They flirt. I cannot bring myself to care. Eyebrows asks Amy if she wants to "hang out" the rest of the day, but Amy says she has to go see her grandparents, who are in for Thanksgiving. Eyebrows is all, "My parents never loved me, and locked me in a closet during holidays, where I ate rat poo and Bisquick. Please invite me to your wonderful Thanksgiving celebration." She does. They go to kiss, and are interrupted by Feisty Nurse Edna, who says to Eyebrows, "I don't believe we've met." She introduces herself as "Amy's favorite grandmother," which she totally is. Eyebrows shakes her hand and is actually very polite. He goes back to work, and Amy gives her grandmother a sheepish little grin, the most endearing thing I've seen her do this entire season. Edna teases Amy a little bit, and tells her she'll see her at "The Big Turkey Day Gorge-a-thon." Dear Feisty Nurse Edna: Have I told you lately that I love you?
Brown Office of MEOW. Treat is wrapping a kid's foot up in gauze. He tells "Charlie" that he's lucky he wasn't burned even worse. Charlie doesn't care, and takes a picture of Treat on his fancy cell phone. He tells Treat that he's going to send the picture to his friend Billy, who "totally bailed. He barely put his foot on the coal before he quit." Charlie exposits that he and Billy are doing the "firewalk" the day, and he couldn't go to the doctor on the "res," because he would tell Charlie's dad. Treat is very concerned about Charlie walking over hot coals in some sort of Indian ritual the day, but Charlie just shrugs it off. Edna tries to offer Charlie some crutches, but he declares them "lame." Heh! Charlie leaves, and Treat asks Edna if he's missing something about conditions on the reservation. Edna calls Treat "Big Chief Nosy-Pants," and tells him that if he thinks the people on the reservation need to be dragged into the modern era, they're out on Highway 70. Oh, man. Treat is going to be all over this in a very boring way, isn't he?
Brown House. Ephram is playing a song on the piano, which Delia tells Madison sounds like "the music on the movie when they killed Bambi's mom." Madison tells her that it's normal for people to get depressed around the holidays. But not normal for them to kill themselves -- too bad, Madison. They're making turkeys and Pilgrims out of construction paper. I tell you, those Browns have an enormous supply of crafts materials. Ephram tells Delia that if she gets more construction paper from her room (see?), he'll help them out. When Delia leaves, Ephram tries to talk to Madison. She doesn't want to talk, and says, among other things, that Treat is sort of right about their relationship, and that it's over. Ephram says she can't just turn her feelings off. Madison says she can, too. Ephram says it's just because of Treat, and you don't just lose feelings for someone when you have what they had, please God shut up. Madison says she just can't. Ephram says, "Can't is because of my dad; don't is because of you." Delia comes back in with lots of construction paper. Ephram completely ignores his sister and says to Madison, "Can't or don't, just tell me." Madison finally says, "Don't." Ephram walks off, and Madison starts to cry a little bit. I cry a little bit too, out of relief. Commercial.
Abbott House. Patch is reading the paper, and Grandma Betty walks down the stairs, complaining that she just had the worst night of sleep ever. Patch is all, "Good morning!" Grandma Betty continues to complain: about the bed, about the toilet paper, about everything, which is clearly all Patch's fault. Edna arrives with groceries, and bids Grandma Betty a cool hello. Grandma Betty says, "You still married to the black man?" Here is where I wish Feisty Nurse Edna would have a Vietnam flashback all over Grandma Betty, but Patch pushes her into the kitchen before she can take any action. Edna tells Patch, "How your wife was spawned from that woman's loins, I'll never know." Patch calls Grandma Betty "insufferable," and wonders how Herb hasn't killed her in her sleep. Edna: "I'd testify on his behalf just to thank him!" Hee It's funny to see them agreeing on something for once. Edna drops a bomb on Patch with, "I met Amy's new boyfriend. Seems like a nice kid." Patch has no idea what she's talking about. Edna tells him to cool it, that Amy wasn't on her way to Vegas in a wedding gown or anything, and he'll meet Tommy at dinner. Patch is all, "Who? What? What just happened?" Edna leaves swiftly, because she's smart.
Gah. Reservation. Casino. Treat. He finds Charlie's dad, who is very very hot, and wastes no time questioning the tribe's long-held cultural practices. Dad of Hotness points out a waitress decked out in an amalgam of traditional dress, saying that she is an example of the way their tribe has held on to tradition where they could -- a way of embracing the new, while revering the old. Call me crazy, but I don't think putting a cocktail waitress in an Indian suit is a great way to do that. Treat tells Dad of Hotness that Charlie needs at least a few weeks to heal. DoH says Charlie doesn't have a few weeks, since they have to perform the firewalking ritual before the first knee-high snowfall, which will be in a few days. Plus, he says, it's too late to cancel the caterers. Aw, he's hot AND funny! Dad of Hotness tells Treat that he knows he's worried, but Charlie will be fine. He gives him free chips to gamble, and Treat grins, pretending he's not still totally stressed about Charlie's feet.
Abbott House. Rinda and Rose are in the kitchen, preparing for the dinner. Amy bounces in and cheerily asks if she can help. Rinda and Rose exchange "Weird, but AWESOME!" looks, and tell Amy to go right ahead. Amy's Forehead of Happiness is showing here, by the way. Amy asks Rose if she can invite somebody for Thanksgiving dinner, which she already did, so it's too late now, but whatever. Anyway, she babbles and babbles and babbles about how Eyebrows doesn't have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving, and his family doesn't have holidays, and Rose always taught her to be charitable, and she really thinks it would be nice, and she's all giddy and breathless and doesn't ever, ever, ever, shut up, so is it okay if her friend comes over, is it? Rose says it is fine. Simple sentences good. Amy runs off. Rinda asks Rose, "Was that Amy being happy?" Rose tells her not to jinx it, then calls after Amy, "What's his name?" Cut to...
"Tommy Callahan?" Bright asks his dad. They're in the grocery store, the perfect place for malicious gossip. Bright tells Patch all about Tommy's sordid crystal meth-rehab past, and says he got caught with, like, five baggies of weed. "But he might have just been selling the pot." Heh. Patch says, "So he's a dealer as well as a junkie. That's wonderful." Patch asks Bright if he's sure, because it could just be rumors about Tommy. Bright says all he knows is that Tommy got kicked out of County for trying to burn the school down. Patch makes a "KILL!" face, and they head home.
Brown House. Madison's over, helping Ephram and Treat in the kitchen. Delia has the video camera, which Ephram tells her to turn off. Delia reminds him that she's just helping with the tradition that he started the year before. Hello, continuity. Nice to see you. Delia tells Madison that she has to look into the camera and say what she's grateful for. Madison, naturally, starts to cry and tries to make a melodramatic exit, except she burns her hand on a pot. Ephram rushes to her aid, they look deep into one another's eyes, and Madison says she's sorry, but she just can't come back...anymore. She's quitting? Is she moving to Beirut? That would be okay. Ephram tells Treat, "You did this." He accuses his dad of being unable to see him happy when he's not. Oh, Ephram. Shut up. Delia cuts in to ask what the hell is going on. Treat tells her that he doesn't like Madison dating Ephram. Delia says, "YOU were dating Madison? Like with kissing?" Hee. Ephram continues to blame Treat for all his problems, and stomps upstairs. Oh, the drama. Commercial.
Thanksgiving Dinner at the Abbott House. Rose has set a gorgeous table, and everyone looks happy and serene. That will change soon. Amy walks in, late, with Eyebrows. She introduces him to the family. Eyebrows gives Rose flowers, and apologizes for their lateness, saying that it's his fault. The first place he looked for Rose's flowers only had "kinda dead" ones, so he had to drive around and look for better ones. Oh, please. "Smarm" is not the same thing as "charm," Eyebrows. Look it up. Grandma Betty calls Eyebrows "sweet as apple pie," and asks Patch, "You gonna carve that thing, Harold, or should we just dig into it with our hands?" Patch jams the carving fork into the turkey and wishes it were Grandma Betty.
Cut to the Browns, who are having the quietest Thanksgiving dinner in history. Delia and Ephram both sulk while Treat tries to make nice conversation. He tells Delia, "Have some turkey, sweetie." Delia: "I'm not hungry. And you can't call me 'sweetie' when I don't LIKE you." Delia, I feel for you, but you need your smart ass slapped. Honey. Delia does have the good sense to say "please" when she asks her dad if she may be excused. I, on the other hand, once sat alone at a kitchen table for about three hours, as if the words "May I please be excused?" would cause me to burst into flames. Treat tells her she may. Ephram starts up immediately. He tells his dad that it's really weird that they've been in Everwood for over a year, and it's still just the three of them at the table on Thanksgiving, it used to be a fun holiday, it was Delia's favorite, blah blah blah Mommy-did-it-better-cakes. Treat says they can go to his grandparents' year if he wants. Ephram says what he wants is to have a life, and for Treat to stop trying to control every single little thing. Now, I do have to agree with that. Ephram asks his dad what it is, besides the age thing, that he finds so wrong with him and Madison. Treat gives the answer only a parent can: "It's just wrong." Ephram gives up, and asks if he can also be excused. Treat sits back and drinks his wine, relieved to finally be alone with this table full of food..
Back at the Abbott House, Patch starts interrogating Eyebrows immediately. We learn that he met Amy a few weeks ago, and that he is seventeen years old. Amy, seeing where this is going, asks her dad if they can just eat. Amen. Patch is all, "Seventeen, huh? And still a junior? That's...odd." Heh. Rose warns Patch to stop, but he soldiers on. "I notice you're not with your family today. They kick you out for some reason?" Eyebrows, along with everyone else at the table, stares at Patch in disbelief. To his credit, Eyebrows handles Patch as politely as can be expected, saying that his family doesn't really do holidays. Patch spits, "Oh, that's a pity. I guess they don't have much cause to rejoice when their son is a known felon." Ouch. The table erupts, and even Irv tells Patch, "Harold, come on, now." Eyebrows says he should probably go. He thanks Rose and leaves. Rinda tells Patch in a wig-ripping tone, "Harry, I think you crossed the line." Grandma Betty says, "I think he plowed over the line with a tractor!" Amy gets up and tries to storm out, but Patch stops her. He says that Eyebrows is never allowed in their house again. Amy says she'll just go to his house time. Patch says she will not. Amy snarls, "What are you gonna do about it?" Patch loses his mind, saying he'll pick her up when she drives over state lines, and put her on antidepressants, but he won't have her dating some crystal meth junkie. Way to go, Bright. Grandma Betty asks, "What did he say?" Herb explains, "She's on antidepressants and dating a crystal meth junkie." Heh. Patch, at his wit's end, tells Amy that she's grounded from the world. He'll take her to school, and bring her home, and she won't leave the house otherwise. Amy tells her dad that he can keep her a prisoner, but it's not going to help, because she hates herself, their family, and everything else about her stupid life. She also wishes she were dead, and she doesn't even care. Well. That was a delicious dinner, Rose!
Cut to Treat, sitting at a bar. Patch walks in and sits to him. They bemoan their sad lives. Patch tells Treat, "My daughter is dating a paroled addict. If this were a contest, you wouldn't even rank." Treat volleys back, "My sixteen-year-old son is dating his twenty-year-old babysitter." Patch: "Barkeep? Two more." Aw. They clink glasses. Patch says he used to look forward to going home, and now he looks for places to hide. He says, "When did THIS become preferable?" Treat agrees that they're not exactly in the "House of Joy." Patch: "You got a better idea?" I bet he does, Patch. I bet it starts with "c" and ends with "asino." And...
Cut to the casino. Patch is betting big. Treat's all, "Hey! You got blackjack!" Hee. Treat watches the band, and notices Charlie and Dad of Hotness dancing it up. Dad of Hotness greets Treat warmly, and I refuse to recap what happens . Okay, fine. Dad of Hotness tells Treat that Charlie's ritual made him a man, even if it's just in the eyes of tradition. Treat says he never would have let his son do it. Dad of Hotness says, "Then you would have failed him." He says that Charlie may be a man in the eyes of tradition, but today was the day that Dad of Hotness became ready to be the father of a man. And during this scene, Treat learns a valuable lesson, an anvilicious lesson, a lesson for the ages, and it is this, dear readers: The man who does not let his son date his babysitter has failed as a father. Learn it, live it, love it.
Madison's House. Ephram knocks on the door. He tells her that he has never had a real girlfriend who liked him back in the same way, and he doesn't care what his dad thinks, but he has to fight for it. He says that Treat can't stop this, and the only person that can is her. Madison protests, but only a little bit, and they kiss. Gag. They also do all of this while Delia freezes in the car. Nice. ["The way Delia's been bratting it up the last few episodes, I really didn't have a problem with that." -- Sars]
We come back from commercial to Patch and Treat, driving up to Patch's house from the casino. Patch can't believe that Treat let him gamble away seven thousand dollars. "All those flashing lights, another drink in my hand...I was clearly in a hypnotic state. What were you thinking?" Treat: "I was thinking you'd quit after the first two grand." Patch goes inside his house, drunk and broke.
Cut to the Brown House, where Ephram has made a fire. Treat walks in and remarks that he hasn't cleaned the flue yet. Ephram: "I did it." (Because he's a man.) Treat says he hasn't brought the wood in yet, either. Ephram: "I did it." (Because he's a MAN, see?) Ephram tells his dad that he saw Madison, and there's nothing Treat can do to stop it. Treat says, "I know. I'm not going to try. I think you're making a big mistake, but I think I have to let you make it." Ephram's all, "Well, that was easy." But, you know, it's because Treat learned a lesson at that reservation casino today, Ephram. You have Dad of Hotness to thank for this. Also, damn you, Dad of Hotness! Treat tells Ephram that his concerns have nothing to do with him, not the way he thinks. He admits that Ephram isn't the average sixteen-year-old, but that doesn't mean he's ready for something like this, and Treat doesn't know if he's ready to watch his son go through something like this, but he values what they've been building too much to try to stop him. He also knows that the more he tries to make Ephram stop seeing Madison, the more he'll want to. Ephram says, "This isn't an act of rebellion, Dad. This is real." Treat says, "I know it is." All the adults in the audience surely heard the understood "to you" appended to the end of that sentence. They sit by the fire, and think about how hard life is sometimes.
Abbott House of "Oh, Shit." Rose is berating Patch, saying she can't even begin to imagine what he was thinking. Patch sits on the couch, defeated. Rose says, "After the day we've had? I get not one, but two calls, from credit card companies...because someone is running up a tab at a casino?" Aw, poor Patch. Grandma Betty gets her two cents in, telling Patch that the way she sees it, he's failing the family. Rose tells her to shut it, but Grandma Betty goes on and on about how they've lost Amy, and Bright wasn't pushed hard enough, and she wishes Rose had married Richard McKenna, but she "settled" for Patch instead. Rose finally tells her mother to shut UP. She says that Patch may have screwed up big-time, but he's as fine a husband as any. "And don't you EVER say that I settled. I am the lucky one here, Mother, because as good a husband as he is, he's an even better father. His only fault may have been to love his kids too much sometimes. Everything he ever did was to help them, not to tear them down, like you constantly did with your children." Bravo! Betty can't believe it. She's all, "How can you say that to me?" Rose's dad steps in here, and bellows, "Easy! Because she's right." Herb tells Grandma Betty to get her ass upstairs and pack, so they can leave the Abbotts in peace first thing. Betty goes. Herb turns to Rose and Patch. He says he knows they're not having an easy time, but he wishes them both luck, and they're always in his prayers. Wah! Rose hugs her daddy, and he says, "Good night, Rosebud." Aw! Rosebud!
Back to the Brown House. Madison tells Delia that she's back, and she's still the babysitter, but not like it was before, because sometimes she'll be with Ephram. Ugh. Treat comes in and gives Madison the good old "break his heart and I will fuck you up" speech. He tells her that she is Ephram's first love, and she of course will remember how it felt when her first love ended. Madison gets it. She better.
Cut to the Abbott House. Amy won't open her door to come down and say goodbye to her grandparents. Patch says if she won't open the door, he's coming in. Amy still won't answer. Patch unlocks the door. The window is open, and Amy's gone. Teenage runaway!
And now we cut again, this time to a Christmas tree lot. Treat and Delia run into Rinda while they're looking. Treat tells Delia to keep looking while he talks to Rinda. Delia is already full of hate, but she goes. Treat tells Rinda, who looks very pretty with her red hair and white sweater, that he has all kinds of thoughts running around in his head -- her health, how his kids would react, her sweeping rejection of him...Rinda cuts him off, "I loved the roses." Aw. No! Yes! Damn. It starts to snow, and Rinda says Treat has the right to be scared for all the reasons he said, except for one: she is interested. Rinda starts to talk about how much she loves the snow, and Treat pulls her in and kisses her. It's AWESOME. Except for the part where we see Delia watching them with Manson Lamps of RAGE. This kid is going to need some serious therapy.
Abbott House. There's an APB out on Amy Abbott. Nobody knows where she is, and we won't find out until January. DY, B.