In a Mirror, Darkly: Part I

We open with Bozeman, Montana on April 5, 2063. Yes, it's the camp from First Contact. Yes, this is going to be awesome. Yes, I am Keckler, and no, aliens have not taken over my body. Unless you count Spock, in which case it's really none of your business, actually. The Vulcan ship lands and the people push forward. According to Mike Sussman's podcast, everything with the bearded guy is new footage and they shot it on film to match all the First Contact clips. They had to rebuild part of the Vulcan ship so they could have new shots of it in the background. The First Contact theme swells, Zephram Cochran steps forward, and Dr. Mathra and I get all choked up. First Contact is probably my favorite TNG movie. The First Vulcan throws back his hood and salutes. Zephram can't get his drunk fingers to return the salute and, instead of him shaking the Vulcan's hand as he did in the movie, we cut to a shot of "Zephram" sticking his hand into his coat, pulling out a gun, and shooting the "First Vulcan." The shot shows only arm and chest. No face. The bearded guy also pulls out a gun, bellowing, "Board their ship! Take everything you can!" Other Montanans pull guns and storm the Vulcan ship, shooting all the way. Damn. Not since "Twilight" have we rewound the opening so many times.

I had snark ALL ready to take the place of "Faith" this week, but in the Mirror Universe, there is NO FAITH! Instead, we get a creepy, menacing, militant orchestral theme with shots of war and destruction. The white show title darkens to black. It's easy but I love it. They keep a few clips of the original credits sequence, but the man on the moon is dressed in a copper EV suit and the flag he plants is the sword through the Earth symbol of the Terran Empire on a blood-red field. It's sort of fake-looking but I DON'T CARE! They take the original shot of Enterprise soaring over us and have it firing on the planet below. A choir comes in to do that effectively creepy "Ah! Ah! Ah!" as we see some shots that are probably from past episodes, but I really don't want to ruin the magic by dissecting them. The opening credits end with the glowy red Terran Empire symbol flying up to the center of the screen. The red glow is very TOS and very nice. We rewound this sequence several times as well. Never done that before. You know, given that Bermaga's names appear on either side of the Terran Empire symbol, it's almost like they are the evil empire.

I'm sitting here. Mouth agape. Fist bruised from pounding the sofa. NOW they cancel the show? Where were these writers when...and why...just...sob. Excuse me. I need a moment.

People, when I realized that Vaughn Armstrong was brought back to be evil, I just about lost it. Three years ago, at the close of the first season, I said, "See, I think Forrest is going to turn out bad. First of all, no one can act that wet and be real, and secondly, this is the only time we've seen a repeat Admiral that the captain of the Enterprise reports to." I then hypothesized that he could be Shower Guy and proceeded to constantly call him Evil Admiral Forrest on the strength that he was too boring to be anything but evil. It was a joke. But when that joke got realized in this episode -- yes, they made him a captain, but big diff -- I decided that I'm just going to have take it as a shout-out. I just am. If you don't agree, I don't care because I'm lovin' it. And this is the deal, I'm not coming up with an evil name for Forrest because, cha, he's ALWAYS been evil. However, I had several evil names lined up for Quantum (among them, Scott Evil) but I decided Evil Leaper captured it neatly.

We get a shot of the top of the ship and we can see that it has been PT Cruisered with yellow flames and also has the Terran Empire symbol painted on it. By the way, the ship? In true TOS Mirror Universe form? Is called the I.S.S. Enterprise. Yeah, baby. Evil Cpt. Forrest logs that they are meeting up with their "assault fleet" and that Reedvil and Phlevil want to show him their "latest project."

A Starfleet-uniformed Tellarite is tortured in the Agony Booth. As Reedvil and Phlevil take turns elucidating the many pleasures their Agony Booth can provide, I note two things. Keating has dropped his voice and subtly comes across as very smooth, very calm, very evil. Of course, bring British, I guess it wasn't much of a stretch. You know, I quite enjoy every ounce of his acting in this episode. And the lack of lipgloss is very manly of him. Phlevil, on the other hand, seems higher-pitched and grating. Also excellent. Forrest thinks Phlevil enjoys his work too much. Phlevil grins. Evil Leaper wants to know, "What exactly did Mr. Terev do?" Go figure, Evil Quantum is as much a goody-two-shoes as Quantum Regular and also has just as big a sequoia planted up his ass. TIMBER! Sorry. Evil Reedvil sneers that he doesn't rightly know and hypothesizes he was late for his shift or some such, adding, "Aren't all Tellarites guilty of something?"

Evil Leaper and Evil Forrest stalk down the red-lit corridor as guards do the chest-banging closed-fist heil salute. Evil Leaper is nattering about an already rejected proposal to go into Tholian space to look for something that would increase their technology and possibly end the war. Forrest sneers that Evil Leaper's a medal-seeking glory hog. Yeah, that's about the size of him. In both universes. Evil Leaper sniffs that his only concern is saving the Empire. Forrest orders him back to his station. Evil Leaper argues. Forrest threatens him with the Agony Booth. Evil Leaper ceases to argue. All the men have black hair in this episode. It's subtle and effective, even if Bakula's hair is a bit on the poofy, Garibaldi side and had me thinking it was a wig.

Forrest works in his quarters as Hoshi saunters in. She's undressed in filmy black lingerie. Climbing onto Forrest's lap, she tuts his nose for doing work in his "sanctuary." I don't think Evil Captains enjoy having their evil noses tutted. She-Ho and Forrest make out. Forrest thinks she's the only one on the ship he doesn't mind giving in to. And getting into. "And probably the only one who doesn't want to slip a knife into your back," She-Ho adds. She observes that the scuttlebutt is that the battle at Tau Ceti (place where Federation defeats the Romulans using the Cochran Deceleration in Kirk's time. It's also the place where Continuity happily wets its pants) went well. Forrest contradicts her that, actually, no, the battle didn't go well at all. He slings back a drink of something in those new and instantly ubiquitous stemless Reidel "O" wine glasses that I despise and says they lost twelve ships, but the crew isn't to know that. "Forget about the war," She-Ho says, leaning in, "this is our time." To have sex.

Forrest strides down the corridor and stops at a turbolift. A guard opens it for him because when you're evil, you don't bother with pushing buttons yourself. Even if the buttons themselves are evil. As the doors open, the button-pushing guard gets immediately shot by Reedvil, who was lying in wait in the turbolift. Forrest starts to make a move towards his weapon, but Evil Leaper shouts, "Don't!" and comes out of hiding with...is that...Mayweather? With an earring? And Eddie Murphy "My Girl Wants to Party All the Time" hair? Sussman called it Arsenio hair, but it's SO not. Arsenio's hair was squared off into a Legoland flattop. May-Evil is definitely rocking the vintage Axel Foley. Forrest tells Evil Leaper he'll hang for this. Evil Leaper ignores him and orders Reedvil to escort Forrest down to the Brig. The Brig of EVIL! I just can't help myself. Everything's funnier tonight. Reedvil would rather escort Forrest to an airlock, but even in the Mirror Universe, Evil Leaper still doesn't have the balls. Oh, I should mention that Reedvil is Major Reedvil, and he and Sergeant May-Evil are both Uh-Ohs with awesome skull Uh-Oh patches on their all black uniforms. Reedvil pauses before shoving at Forrest with his gun and comments, "Still, it would be tragic if there were an accident on the way to the Brig." Evil Leaper throws Reedvil against the bulkhead and threatens to kill him if anything happens to Forrest. I'm sort of bored by Evil Leaper.

On the Bridge, a long-haired (it's an evil wig, apparently) T'Pevil slouches in the captain's chair, and guess what? She's actually in uniform. Sort of. See, the "uniform" is made up of a cropped, tailored top and low-riding slacks with nothing in between to get in the way of Jolene's ravenous 8 Minute Abs. Well, that's predictable -- they finally get her into a uniform, only to get her half out of it. T'Pevil leaps up as Evil Leaper and May-Evil charge onto the Bridge with another Uh-Oh pointing a gun at everyone. When Evil Leaper doesn't tell her where Forrest is, T'Pevil orders an underling to call security. May-Evil shoots him before you can say "evil redshirt." I like May-Evil. He's a man of action. T'Pevil backs away from the captain's chair, silently conceding defeat. Evil Leaper comms the entire ship that he's relieved Forrest of duty and is now taking command. She-Ho, reclined on a big ol' pile of pillows and comfy-looking duvet in her quarters, looks only mildly concerned. In Sickbay, we get a shot of several creatures splayed open by dissection pins and scissors as Phlevil listens to the announcement that, in accordance with Starfleet orders, they are going into Tholian space on a secret mission. One of those splayed creatures sort of looks like a Cardassian vole. In Engineering, Evil Trinneevil turns his face to show its melted side and grimaces over Evil Leaper's prediction that they will crush the rebellion once and for all. You want to know the sick thing? I think he's much more attractive with half his face melted. Now he's tough and rugged and less Dubya-y. I may need help.

Back on the Bridge, Evil Leaper delivers one of his stiff, boring, "inspirational" speeches: "No crew in Starfleet has been tested more in battle. I know I can count on each of you to perform your duty to the best of your ability. Nothing will impede our march toward victory. Long live the Empire." Evil Leaper bang-heils. The Bridge crew follows suit and intones, "Long live the Empire" with as much energy as Evil Leaper had, which is none. T'Pevil bang-heils, intones, and glares. Sometimes she's nothing short of awesome. Especially when she channels my feelings perfectly. Everyone else goes about their evil business, but T'Pevil sneaks up behind Evil Leaper and tells him they've received no such communiqus from Starfleet as the ones he was quoting. They were sent on a private channel. T'Pevil would like to see them. "All in good time," Evil Leaper says, and sets a new course. Have you ever noticed how only evil people say, "All in good time"? He orders T'Pevil escorted to a cargobay to retrieve a Suliban cloaking device. T'Pevil is to bring it to Engineering and help Evil Trinneevil install it. They need the cloak for the mission. T'Pevil leaves with her Uh-Oh escort. Evil Leaper sits his evil butt in the captain's chair and gives it a rubdown (the chair, not the butt. Although, with evil him, who knows?), relishing the new throne. Look, I get what he's doing, but given that he's Forrest's evil number one, wouldn't you think he's sat in that chair many a time?

Captain (his emphasis, not mine) Evil Leaper logs that the crew seems okay with the change in command and the ship will have cloaking capability soon. In his evil Ready Room, Evil Leaper strokes a weapon. An actual weapon -- this isn't I Dream of Greenie, people. T'Pevil says the orders Evil Leaper cited earlier appear authentic. "'Appeah'?" Evil Leaper repeats. Yeah, I don't get the weird inflection either. Bakula has it come and go throughout the episode -- it's all breathy or British or something. "All I requiah from you is your loyalty," Evil Leaper says, turning from his Weight of the Evil World Window. "Do I hev it?" T'Pevil intimates that he does. Evil Leaper holds up the strokeable weapon and says it's the self-same gun Cochrane used to kill the First Vulcan. He wonders aloud what would have happened if the humans hadn't attacked and overpowered the "Vulcan invasion force." "Humans might be your slaves instead of the other way around," he finishes. T'Pevil flinches and says she's not a slave. Evil Leaper steps into her face: "You're Vulcan -- nevah fohget thaht." Given his evil breath, I don't think she's likely to do that. T'Pevil thinks they've crossed into Tholian space by now, and Evil Leaper gives her a data disk and orders her to tell him when she finds the warp signature that matches the one on the disk. Evil Leaper informs T'Pevil that, although Reedvil is in the line of command, he can't follow orders, so Evil Leaper's promoting her to First Officer. When T'Pevil mentions his hatred of Vulcans, Evil Leaper bites out that maybe it's his way of saying "thank you" to the Vulcans for all the technology the humans snatched from them. Without it, the Terran Empire wouldn't be where it is. T'Pevil's dismissed. Evil Leaper puts Cochrane's gun back in its place on his -- or probably Forrest's -- evil wall of weapons.

Evil Leaper apprises May-Evil of his promotion: "Serving as my personal guard will have its privileges -- you'll have your own quarters, better food." More lines. May-Evil will get all his orders from Evil Leaper and only Evil Leaper. May-Evil thanks him and starts to kiss a little evil ass. Evil Leaper stops him, saying, "You've already got the job -- don't talk yourself out of it." Yeah, May-Evil, don't talk. Period. There's a growl from the floor and we pan down to see Camilla crouched on the floor. "Don't mind Porthos," Evil Leaper says. "He hasn't had his dinner yet." Sussman says that they thought about casting a Great Dane as Evil Porthos because he would be a size opposite. In the end, people thought Great Danes didn't get the evil across enough.

She-Ho enters. She's lost the filmy black negligee but she's gained about a pound of charcoal eyeshadow in its place. Evil Leaper dismisses May-Evil. She-Ho states that Evil Leaper never received orders from Starfleet to take the ship into Tholian space because she would have known about it. Why? Because she's some sort of Mata Harshi? I guess we're to believe that Forrest shares EVERYTHING with her. When Evil Leaper decides to pet Evil Porthos rather than respond, She-Ho drops the combative attitude and slinks his way. She didn't think he had a mutiny in him. Evil Leaper takes that as a compliment. She-Ho wonders what happened to Forrest. "He's safe," Evil Leaper grunts. "How do I know you didn't push him out an airlock?" She-Ho wonders. Because he's the captain who cried airlock. Fool. Pushing a button on his PC, Evil Leaper pops up a Brig camera and shows her Forrest's cell. However, Evil Leaper won't let her talk to her lover yet. "He'll remain alive as long as you don't cause any trouble. No hidden distress signals to Starfleet. I need you and your expertise," Evil Leaper snaps. She-Ho pushes herself off his desk and purrs, "Is that all you need?" She looks him up and down. Evil Leaper stiffens (everywhere, I assume) and turns away from her. She-Ho exposits that Evil Leaper never forgave her for leaving him. Well, duh, this is an evil universe -- I'm sure people hold fairly long grudges here. Evil Leaper clenches that she saw a way to the top by being on top and she took it. "Just as you did," She-Ho reminds him. "You should've been captain from the moment we left spacedock. You've always known that. If it hadn't been for all those admirals conspiring behind your back, Enterprise would have been yours." Evil Leaper doesn't say anything. She-Ho pushes her fingertips into his side and says, "Tradition says that whatever belonged to the captain is yours for the taking." Her face is about an inch from his now. Evil Leaper sort of shoves her away, only to say, "I've never been one to argue with tradition," and then yank her back in a nose-flattening kiss that had absolutely no heat and seemed as dry as a nun. Seriously -- I'm now dehydrated. What is with Bakula's complete absence of passion on this show? Does he have a jealous wife or something? While still "kissing," She-Ho pulls a knife from the back of her bra and raises it above her head. Also still "kissing," Evil Leaper blocks her arm and snatches the knife away. They don't break the clinch until T'Pevil comms Evil Leaper. "Maybe we should keep our relationship on a professional level," Evil Leaper says, flinging She-Ho to the couch. I thought she was a professional. T'Pevil announces that they're approaching the warp signature. Before leaving for the Bridge, Evil Leaper grabs She-Ho by the back of the neck and holds her own knife up to her face. "I expect you to be in a better mood when I get back," he says, and stalks off. Still not feeling the evil, buddy.