Enterprise S03E25

It's the twenty-third century (wow, that's only two hundred years away, y'all!), and Kirstie Alley was several thousand courses of Botox injections and just as many yards of changeable taffeta away from discovering Pier 1. Now she's sitting on the bridge of a ship, quoting coordinates to Spock. I have to admit that when I first saw this movie, the fact that she was giving Sulu, Spock, and Uhura orders didn't faze me at all. Neither did the fact that her command epaulets and excessively ribbed mock turtleneck were red. I just took at face value that she was in charge.

Uhura plays a distress call from the Kobayashi Maru and asks for the distressed ship's coordinates. The distressed captain gives certain coordinates, which make Kirstie Alley mutter, "The Neutral Zone," before ordering up stats on the ship. For 1984, the graphics they have on the viewscreen are pretty impressive. Once Saavik learns there are over three hundred people aboard the Kobayashi Maru, she mutters a rather un-Vulcan "damn." She orders Sulu to take them into the Neutral Zone, prompting Sulu start up with a reminder of what happens when Starfleet vessels enter the Neutral Zone. "I'm aware of my responsibilities, Mister," Saavik drones peremptorily. Again, if you take into context what this whole thing actually turns out to be, it's very weird that she calls him "Mister" like that. She's obviously partial to method-captaining. Sulu makes a "Well, I warned you, Veronica!" face and plots the course. They enter the Neutral Zone -- which, if the dialogue is to be believed, is basically a DayQuil capsule -- and Spock whirls around to announce that they have now violated the treaty. Saavik ignores him and comms the transporter room to stand by to transport survivors from the distressed ship. An electronic non-Majel voice announces the approach of three Klingon ships. All this time I was thinking it was the Romulan Neutral Zone -- I keep forgetting that Worf's smooth-foreheaded ancestors were really the big bads of this series. At this unwelcome news, Saavik draws her lips together and raises an eyebrow. Nice one -- I wish I could do that. Best I can do is pluck it into a permanent state of withering scorn. Three Klingon battle cruisers appear on the viewscreen. They can't tell them they're on a rescue mission, because the Klingons are jamming their comm frequencies. I always think that tactic is just like not answering the phone after you've gotten in a fight with your boyfriend and hung up on him mid-scream. Or, even better, you pick up the receiver and hang up without saying anything or even listening to who is there. I did that a lot, because I'm a vindictive little hussy.

Saavik realizes they're in over their heads, and tells Sulu to get them outta there. Sulu mutters that he'll try. One of the Klingon ships fires and hits Saavik's ship. Sulu is blown from his con. Another explosion gives Uhura a dirt nap, and the shields collapse. The shower of sparks sends Bones flying backwards to Sulu. Saavik orders Spock to fire all phasers, but Spock tells her there's no power to the weapons. Then another explosion kills him too. Saavik orders all hands to abandon ship. We hear a voice saying, "All right -- open her up." Omigod -- there's a hull breach! Okay, not really. One wall of the "ship" slides open, and a back-lit Kirk walks through the smoke like he's in a Meatloaf video. Saavik stands up expectantly as Kirk calls for lights. I see, this wasn't real -- it was an elaborate ruse to make all the Trekkies in the audience think that everyone was dead within the first few minutes of this long-anticipated movie. I wonder if it worked. Saavik asks, "Any suggestions, Admiral?" "Prayer, Mr. Saavik, the Klingons don't take prisoners," Kirk says. Up until he spoke, they were really trying to make him the mysterious man from the mist. The lights on the simulator set blaze forth, and more doors open. "Captain?" Kirk addresses Spock, who blinks his eyes open from his position on the floor. Spock gets up and orders his trainees to the briefing room. They all clear out except Saavik, who does this weird about-face and at Kirk. "Physician, heal thyself," Kirk says to Bones, who still lies on the floor, his head propped up by a bent arm. "Is that all you gotta say -- what about my performance?" Bones jokes. "I'm not a drama critic," Kirk sours. No, just a drama queen. Bones's face falls. Kirk asks Saavik if she's going to stay with a sinking ship. Is that his way of asking her on a date? Saavik asks permission to speak freely, and says that she doesn't think the simulation was a fair test of her command abilities because it was a no-win situation. Kirk tells her that a no-win situation is something that every commander will face, and wonders if that ever occurred to her. Apparently, it didn't. Kirk makes some prescient comment about how useful it is for a captain to deal with life and death, and leaves Saavik with that thought. Bones asks Kirk if it wouldn't be easier to put an experienced crew back on the ship rather than going through all this hullabaloo of training. Kirk looks at Uhura, Sulu, and Bones staring at him and tells them, "Galloping around the cosmos is a game for the young, Doctor." Kirk stomps out. "Now, what is that supposed to mean?" Uhura breathes. Got me, honey, but I'm thinking we'll spend the rest of the movie having it pounded into our heads.

Kirk steps into an area that looks uncannily like the back set of the little lead-up to the ride at Star Trek: The Experience in Las Vegas. Some doors slide open and reveal Spock in the hallway. "Aren't you dead?" Kirk smiles as he steps through. Kirk supposes that Spock is "loitering" around to find out what sort of grades he's planning on giving Spock's cadets. Spock admits to understandable curiosity. Kirk points out the mess they made of the "ship," as well as their instructor. "The Kobyashi Moru scenario frequently wreaks havoc with students and equipment. As I recall, you took the test three times yourself. Your final solution was, shall we say, unique," Spock retorts. Whenever I hear "final solution," I invariably think of Sherlock Holmes. "It had the virtue of never having been tried," Kirk smugs. There's a janitor vacuuming the hallway in this scene. It's kind of odd. "I think that's the only janitor we ever see in Star Trek, like, ever," the Evil Dr. Mathra observes. Maybe they've "cured" janitorality in Roddenberry's future. Kirk brandishes the book he's been carrying under his arm since he stepped onto the simulator bridge, and thanks Spock for it. "I know of your fondness for antiques," Spock comments as Kirk flips the book open and reads the opening lines of A Tale of Two Cities. Kirk wonders if Spock meant anything by the fact that he gave him a book that says, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Spock's all, "Uh, no, but happy birthday, Kirkmudgeon." I think Kirk should quit analyzing the opening lines and worry more about the fact that it's about a guy who doesn't shower a whole lot before playing Duck, Duck, Grey Duck with Madame La Guillotine. A calm female voice calls Spock to the space shuttle. Spock tells Kirk that he's on his way to the Enterprise to prepare for Kirk's inspection. "And you?" Spock asks. "Home," Kirk laughs mirthlessly, and leaves.

In his home -- which, by the looks of it, doesn't exactly call for any mirthless laughing, since it's all posh with a gorgeous fake view of the Bay and the hills of Sausalito -- Kirk paces around until he hears the doorbell. It's Bones, who hands over a wrapped package and says, "Beware Romulans bearing gifts." "Yeah, especially if they're from El Salvador," the Evil Dr. Mathra groans. Even the mere memory of that stuff makes him reach for the Maalox. Bones wishes Kirk a happy birthday. Kirk grunts his thanks and opens his first gift, revealing a bottle of bright blue Romulan Ale. Kirk makes the obligatory comment that it's illegal, and Bones insists that it's only for medicinal purposes. Of course. He mentions he has a border ship bring him a case or two across the Neutral Zone every so often, just for those specific cuts and scrapes he often has in his office. "Now, don't be a prig," Bones orders Kirk. Huh, "prig" is not exactly a word I would ever associate with Kirk. As Bones pours, he hands over another gift for Kirk. I note that in the future, gifts are no longer wrapped in paper. They all seem to use wrapping cloth. If I lived in the future, Hunca Munca would have nothing to seek and destroy with the most murderous glint in his eye. Kirk wonders if his gift is Klingon aphrodisiacs. "No, more antiques for your collection," Bones says. Kirk pulls out some spectacles. For some reason passing understanding, since Kirk must have people on his ship who wear goggles from time to time, Kirk needs to be told what the spectacles are for. Kirk is less than thrilled, and grimaces even more when Bones mentions that for patients at Kirk's advanced age, he usually administers Retnax V. Kirk comments that he's allergic to Retnax V. "Exactly, cheers!" Bones says, and raises his glass. In light of recent advances in Lasik surgery, this scene is pretty comical to watch. Kirk takes a sip of his Rom Ale and does that same gulp-pause-ah lip thing he does in Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. Kirk says he doesn't know what to say. "You could say 'thank you,'" Bones, the Evil Dr. Mathra, and I all say. Although, it's more like the Evil Dr. Mathra and I yelled rather than said. Finally, Bones calls Kirk on his morose humor and wonders why, when so many people have birthdays all the time, Kirk has to go around acting like it's his funeral. Since no one commented on his growing and significantly darkening hairline, I'd hazard to say it's purely for the attention. Kirk tells Bones not to lecture him. Bones ignores this and says that it's not about age, it's about Kirk not being back in command of a ship. Kirk hedges that he's abiding by the rules by staying in his current position at the flight simulator, and Bones tells him to knock off the bullshit. Bones also tells Kirk he's hiding from himself. I never understand what people mean when they say that. How can you really hide from yourself? Bones ends the discussion by telling Kirk to get back his command before he becomes part of his antique collection. Yes, an anvil would be considered antique in their day, wouldn't it?

Out in space, Chekov bad-accents his way through the stardate and says that he's the first officer of the Reliant on orbit around Ceti Alpha VI in connection with Project Genesis. They're looking for a lifeless planet as a test site for Genesis. Capt. Terrell -- played by Paul Winfield, who is now the creepy voice of City Confidential, but who will always be Dr. King to me -- gives some orders. An officer reports that the planet appears to be incapable of supporting life forms. "Life forms -- you lovely little life FORMS!" the Evil Dr. Mathra sings, running around scanning walls with his new stud finder that looks exactly like a tricorder. Chekov turns from his con and asks, "Does it have to be completely lifeless?" Capt. Terrell can't believe he actually found something. Chekov found a "minor energy flux." "Minor"? "MINOR"? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Chekov thinks it could only be pre-animate matter, so Terrell suggest they call up Dr. Marcus; it might be something they can transplant. Chekov folds his little arms across his little body and says, "You know vhat she vill say!"

On a space station, orbiting what looks like the moon, a woman's voice says, "Let me get this straight -- something you can tran-splant?" "Yes, Doc-torr," Chekov responds. "Something you can trans-plant?" Dr. Marcus repeats. You can keep saying it with all kinds of different stresses on syllables, but that's not going to keep it from being true. Dr. Marcus doesn't like the idea of something you can transplant, but finally agrees to reconsider if Chekov and Terrell investigate the possible particle of pre-animate matter themselves. Dr. Marcus looks over at a curly-'froed genetic replicant of herself who is looking decidedly sullen. This must be her son, who is played by Merritt Butrick and also known as John "Johnny Slash" Ulasewicz of Square Pegs. The two of them walk out of the lab together while Dr. Marcus's son advises her not to "have kittens," because Genesis is going to work. "They'll remember you in one breath with Newton, Einstein, Surak!" Buttslash blathers. Except that Surak was a philosopher-king, so I think you're an idiot. And also except that you've already screwed up the experiment at this point with proto-matter, so I think you're an even bigger idiot. Dr. Marcus makes some comment about not getting any respect from her offspring. They make plans to play bridge later. Buttslash admits that every time they have dealings with Starfleet, he gets nervous. "We are dealing with something that could be perverted into a dreadful weapon. Remember that overgrown Boy Scout you used to hang around with?" Buttslash asks, "That's exactly the kind of man I --" Dr. Marcus interrupts Buttslash to say, "Listen, kiddo, Jim Kirk was many things but he was never a Boy Scout." What does he have against Boy Scouts -- was he not allowed to join? Or is he just generally against pairing blue and yellow together unless it's a football team playing in the Rose Bowl? Seriously, though, I don't get the logic of those two sentences. If Buttslash really thought Kirk was an "overgrown Boy Scout," I would think that was exactly the sort of person who wouldn't pervert the Genesis project into a dreadful weapon. However, I think it was a just a lead-up to Dr. Marcus's rebutrickal of the fact, therefore underlining the whole "Kirk Is A Sex GOD" thing, who doesn't do a three-fingered salute but is always, always prepared.

Terrell and Chekov beam down into a sandstorm right to Delicate Arches in Utah. Terrell wonders if they're in the right spot, and Chekov responds, "Keptin, dis iz zee gaarden spot ov Ceti Alpha Siiix." Eventually, speaking dialogue I swear I've never heard before because I don't think I really paid much attention until Khan actually appears, they find what appears to be abandoned cargo carriers. What is up with their space suits? They have these concentric squares on each butt cheek, and I'm wondering what they're for. If they're supposed to be padding, it's kind of high off the tush for that -- maybe they're futuristic pockets. I'm also wondering why Capt. Terrell is in a red suit and Chekov in a white one -- maybe they're command color-coded? Terrell and Chekov walk inside the cargo carriers and note all the signs of it being a living space, including a checkerboard on a piece of octagonal piece of Plexiglas. It looks like nuts and bolts are providing the playing pieces. Oh, to have a "superior intellect" to think up ways of amusing oneself! Terrell wonders about what happened and asks, if there was a crash, where's the rest of the ship. He crouches to a round Plexiglas holding pen with sand in the bottom. The sand moves, but nothing shows its ugly pincers. That can't be a good sign. Chekov looks at a bookshelf filled with Moby Dick, King Lear, Paradise Lost/Paradise Regained, The Inferno, another copy of Paradise Lost -- which manages to be thicker than the copy that has both Paradise Lost and Paradise Regained rolled into one, so it's obviously the annotated version -- the Bible, and a book whose title is obscured by one of the shelves slats, but reads "Statute Regulating [slat obstruction] Commerce." Chekov muses over whether or not the titles spell out "K-H-A-N" when read backward, and looks at the seatbelt he's hanging onto. "Botany...Bay," he reads, and then dawn breaks on his Russian face: "BOTANY BAY!? Oh, no!" Without any explanation, he drags Terrell out of the cargo carrier. Outside in the storm, they're greeted by about fourteen Bedouins wearing punk sunglasses. Where were all these people before? Out for a stroll, enjoying the nice sandy weather they're having? "Why didn't they just beam up?" the Evil Dr. Mathra wonders. Because we'd miss out on the dramatic glove removal ceremony. Up on the Reliant, some second-stringers try unsuccessfully to contact Terrell and Chekov.

And now I hand the spirit stick over to Glark. Cheer on, my brother.

Thanks, Keckler. Suits and costumes for this portion of the recap were provided by Botany Bay 500.

If you're adventuring on Ceti Alpha VI, you'll want a pair of these tin shard-encrusted gloves our newest model is showing off. If jagged pieces of metal to fingers are wrong, he doesn't want to be right! Complementing the gloves are a stunning pair of sunglasses borrowed from Big Trouble In Little China's favourite Asian street gang, the Lords of Death. Lords of Death eyewear -- because you came to see Ceti Alpha VI, not the sand.

Off with the gloves! Off with the glasses! Off with the monstrously huge turban! Who is this masked man? Well, he appears to be an old man with a budget wig. Judging by the look on his face, he's not the happy grandpa type. He's got that look you get when you order from Pizza Hut, they come an hour late and don't apologize, offer to pick up the tab or even provide you with valuable coupons redeemable towards your Pizza Hut order. He stares at Chekov and Terrell, who display a conspicuous lack of pizza. Chekov whispers "Khan" a little louder than he should have. Khan tosses his gloves and headwear like a dodge ball to a lackey with 1985 part-down-the-middle feathered hair, then steps up to Terrell. He inspects his head like he's looking for lice. "I don't know you," remarks Khan. He turns his attention to Chekov: "But you...I never forget a face. Mister...Chekov, isn't it?" Khan nods knowingly. "I never thought to see your face again." Terrell feels like a fifth wheel invited to a movie with his best friend and his best friend's new girlfriend. "Chekov, who is this man?" Jealous much? Chekov explains Khan is "a criminal, Captain. A product of the late twentieth-century genetic engineering..." Terrell rudely interrupts Chekov, who's just answering his Captain's question. "What do you want with us? Sir, I demand..." Ah ha! Now the rude interrupting shoe is on the other foot, for Khan interjects, "You are in a position to demand nothing, sir. I, on the other hand, am in a position to grant nothing. What you see is all that remains of the ship's company and the crew of the Botany Bay, marooned here fifteen years ago by Captain James T. Kirk." Khan's delivery would make Ripley's Believe It Or Not's Jack Palance proud.

Terrell then makes the classic mistake of trying to reason with the villain. Oh Terrell, don't you know that's as good an idea as promiscuous teenagers skinny-dipping at Crystal Lake? Don't you know only bad things will happen to you now? Khan -- complete with a talk-to-the-hand smirk on his face -- approaches Terrell. "Save your strength, Captain, these people have sworn to live and die at my command two hundred years before you were born. Do you mean he never told you the tale?" He asks Chekov, "To amuse your Captain?" Khan grabs a mic and explains the backstory to the tune of the Gilligan's Island theme:

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip.
That started in the Earth's past,
Aboard this tiny ship.

The mate was a Aryan astro man,
The skipper genetically pure.
After ruling a quarter of Earth,
They had to leave in a whirl.

Outer space started getting rough,
The tiny ship was tossed.
If not for the cryogenic technology,
The Botany Bay would be lost; the Botany Bay would be lost.

The ship was eventually found by the starship Enterprise,
With this ship, and warp drive too,
Mister Khan, could rule again,
Tried real hard, was beaten off and exiled
Here on Ceti Alpha V!

"This is Ceti Alpha V," screams Khan. "Ceti Alpha VI exploded six months after we were left here. The shock shifted the orbit of this planet and everything was laid waste. Add-mee-rhal Kirk never bothered to check on our progress. It was only the fact of my genetically engineered intellect that allowed us to survive." If you turn the volume up really loud, you can hear one of the crew whispering, "Tell your genetic intellect to engineer me up a cheeseburger and chili fries." Khan continues bragging he was a big bad dude on Earth way back when. Chekov, not pleased with Khan's version of events, retorts, "Captain Kirk was your host! You repaid his hospitality by trying to steal his ship and murder him!" Look, Chekov, there's only four verses in the theme song to Gilligan's Island, you can't fit everything in. A genetically engineered light bulb goes on over Khan's head. "You didn't expect to find me. You thought this was Ceti Alpha VI. Why are you here?" Then with only one hand he jerkily lifts Chekov in the air by his suit. A 60-year-old man picking up a wee Russian single-handedly -- it's a testament to the can-do, never-give-up, bend-at-the-knees spirit of the twentieth century. When Khan picks up Chekov, there's a crew member totally playing grab-ass with Chekov and the game doesn't stop when he goes for his Khan ride either. Khan looks up into Chekov's beautiful Russian eyes and poses an inquisitive follow-up question: "Why?" before plopping him back down on the floor of the Botany Bay.

Khan saunters over to a big Tupperware container full of sand. As he slides the container open, he says, "Allow me to introduce you to Ceti Alpha V's only remaining indigenous life form." The sand starts to move around like Bugs Bunny is down there trying to figure out where he is after that bad turn at Albuquerque. Khan picks up a pair a forceps, and we all pray that Khan is not going unleash a vagina on Chekov and Terrell. Chekov wouldn't know what to do with it. Whew. It's just a little armadillo with a huge attitude problem. Khan grabs one with the non-vagina-getting forceps, and it screams a wee scream. "What do you think?" asks Khan. "They've killed twenty of my people, including my beloved wife." He extracts a gooey fetal armadillo from between the plates of the mama armadillo and puts it in a metal bowl. As he goes back for another, he stammers out, "Oh, not all at once and not instantly, to be sure." Picking up his bowl o' armadillo fetuses, he explains their purpose: "You see, their young enter through the ears and wrap themselves around the cerebral cortex. This has the effect of rendering the victim extremely susceptible to suggestion. Later, as they grow, follows madness and death." Then Chekov and Terrell say, "Their young enter through the ears and wrap themselves around the cerebral cortex. This has the effect of rendering the victim extremely susceptible to suggestion. Later, as they grow, follows madness and death." Khan wags his finger and says, "Nice try, guys, but I know you don't have any of these in you yet." Khan has his henchman make the Starfleet duo kneel before him. Chekov tries to reason with him, thereby ensuring his membership in the Club of Bad Things Are About To Happen To You, under the leadership of chapter president Terrell. Khan places one critter in each of their helmets, which the henchmen seal on to their suits. Khan watches as the critters crawl across the faces of Chekov and Terrell, towards their respective ears. ["Their respective extra-large fake models of ears, with fuzzy sideburns applied so amateurishly that you can still see the glue!" -- Keckler] The trademark "clank clank, clank clank" of James Horner's soundtrack underscores the scene nicely. Oh, the screaming! Chekov screams like a space girl! You babies! It's only a space monster entering your brain. You people should be used to this sort of thing by now in Starfleet. Khan smiles, "That's better! Now, tell me why you are here -- and tell me where I may find James Kirk."

Speaking of Kirk, he's sitting in a shuttle with Bones, Sulu, and Uhura, reading his little book with his little glasses as it approaches the Enterprise in a repair dock above Earth. Blah blah blah "look at Enterprise from a dozen different camera angles"-cakes. While we are treated to Enterprise's refitting, Kirk complains about a) life as an admiral, b) getting old, and c) the inexperience of the new Enterprise crew. Kirk's shuttle eventually docks with the Enterprise in an unusual phallic manner. Usually we get those little shuttles with the wee little nacelles that fly into the expanse of a docking bay. Hmmm, that sounds dirty too. This one just looks like a little penis head that got all confused and docked backwards. Man, Star Trek is dirty. Inside, Spock, Mr. Saavik, and the training crew wait for the boarding party while an ensign pipes an expensive electronic version of the boatswain's call signaling the Admiral's arrival. A six-hundred-dollar replacement for a seven-dollar whistle. It's your future tax dollars at work, people. Spock, ever the proud papa when it comes to his training crew, welcomes Admiral Kirk abroad the Enterprise: "Welcome aboard, Admiral. I think you know my trainee crew. Certainly they have come to know you." Kirk replies to Spock while staring at Saavik, "Yes, we've been through death and life together." Oh, burn, Saavik! You've been Kirk'd! Kirk moseys towards the trainee crew, where he bumps into our favourite space-faring Scottish fatty. "Mr. Scott, you old space dog. You're well?" asks Kirk. "I had me a wee bout," jokes Scott, "but Dr. McCoy pulled me through." Kirks pushes for some clarification and Bones, ever the diplomat, offers an explanation: "Shore leave, Admiral." Oh, alcoholism! You little scamp. ["Or, 'Oh, syphilis!' as I initially thought." -- Keckler]

Kirk inspects the crew lineup and asks one particularly young-looking boy who he is. "Midshipman First Class Peter Preston, engineers mate, Sir!" Well, that was a bit unusual to introduce a bit player like that out of nowhere. I wonder if he'll be burned horribly later in the movie? Gosh. I hope not. The assembly is dismissed as Kirk moves on. Now it's time for some Vulcan-to-Vulcan subtitled talk between Spock and Saavik. Saavik says of Kirk, "He's never what I expect," and that "he's so -- human." Spock replies, "Nobody's perfect, Saavik." Oh, burn! Kirk, are your ears burning? 'Cuz you were just Spock'd!

We return to Kirk's inspection, which has moved to the engine room. It's all quiet except for the hum of the engines and the cute beeps of the computers. Kirk takes his sweet time checking out the place. He even does the white glove thing to check for dust! Of course he doesn't put the glove on, he just uses it like a cloth. No self-respecting studly space playboy wears white gloves. Of course, in the world of Star Trek we've never seen any white glove wearers, have we? No bathrooms and no white glove wearers. Kirk checks out the radiation chamber (well, he checks it out from the outside; to go inside would be pure madness and should only be considered when the needs of a lot of people outweigh the needs of the individual...but that's just my opinion). Preston is nearby, standing at his post while everyone else is running around and leaving their stations. "I believe you'll find everything shipshape, Admiral," he blurts out. "Oh, do you?" asks Kirk. "Have you any idea, Midshipman Preston, how many times I've had to listen to Mr. Scott on the comm, telling me his troubles? Have you any idea the ribbing I've had to endure in the officers' mess to the effect that the Enterprise is a flying death trap?" Preston -- not the brightest star in the galaxy -- takes Kirk seriously and defends the honour of the engineering staff: "Oh, no, sir! This is the finest engine room in the whole Starfleet and if the Admiral can't see the facts for himself, then, with all due respect, he's as blind as a Tiberion bat. Sir!" Dude, just shut it. You've been Kirk'd! ["Does a Tiberion bat have anything to do with Kirk's middle name?" -- Keckler] Scotty explains that Preston is his nephew. Now I'm personally attached to this Preston character. I hope he lives long and prospers and that his body will not be the subject of crisping, charring, or broiling. I hope that of most characters, but especially of Preston, for you see, I am now Emotionally Invested. Kirk's bored and restless! He asks Scotty if the engines are ready for a training cruise. Words are asked for by chief engineers, and words are given by admirals. Such is life on a starship. Kirk hops on the slowest turbo lift ever, and Bones asks about the rest of the inspection, to which Kirk mouths "later" and gives the international -- nay, intergalactic -- hand sweep signaling "quiet, you!" And now it's time for The Gettin' Ready Montage!

Ba-bum! Light 1 goes on over upper saucer!
Doo-doo! Light 2 goes on over a nacelle connector!
Doo-doo! Light 3 goes on over front on the right nacelle!
Ba-bam! Light 4 goes on over the bit that isn't the saucer, yet isn't the part of the deflector dish -- you know, the Enterprise's taint!
Doo-doo! Light 5 goes on over the end of a nacelle!
Doo-doo! Light 6 goes on over the underbelly of the saucer!
Ba-bam! Light 7 goes on over the Starfleet insignia! Wooo! Go Starfleet!
Ba-bam! The deflector dish lights up! Booyah!

As the doors of the main bridge fly open, we return this recap back to Keckler.

Thanks, Glark. Bones and Kirk step onto the bridge, and Sulu announces, "Add-meer-ahl on the Bridge!" Okay, he doesn't Khan his words, but I do, so I will. The Reeds (not Malcolm) of Wonder play as Kirk gazes around the ship that is not his. To grind that particular salt into the wound, Spock gives directions to Saavik and okays something a yeoman (not Rand) brings him. Spock raises an eyebrow and turns to the future queen of faux Oriental and Indian kitsch to ask if she's ever piloted a ship out of spacedock. "Well, yeah -- there was that one time. We were drunk and Valeris stole the keys and, well, you know..." Dr. Mathra giggles. Saavik answers in the negative. Bones and Kirk exchange looks. Spock notes this, stands up, and tells Saavik to "take her out." Kirk looks like he needs a packet of Dramamine, whereas Bones appears to have suddenly developed a thyroid condition. "For every thing there is a first time, Lieutenant," Spock says as Saavik sits down. "Don't you agree, Add-meer-ahl?" Kirk mm-grunts his response and goes back to standing with that errant redwood up his hind-end. Saavik starts to take the ship out. "Would you like a tranquilizer?" Bones asks Kirk. Hee! Kirk shakes his head, and his jowls shake with him. Seriously, they do. There's a lot of slack skin there. Of course, now he's had all that pulled back so far that he can actually blink his lips.

I think every ship needs a full orchestra (and that random EV-suited guy waving) set up and playing in the Giant Hairclip in the Sky as the ship slides out of spacedock.

Sulu asks where they plan on going that fine afternoon. Spock turns to Kirk, who shrugs and says, "Captain's discretion." Spock tells Sulu to "indulge" himself. Here on the Bridge? Without Kleenex? Gross. Glark is right, Star Trek is dirty. Kirk grins at Bones for no real good reason, and Enterprise zooms away.

Meanwhile, on 3-2-1-Contact, Dr. Carol gets a phone call from Zombie Chekov telling them to turn over all their Genesis material. Dr. Carol -- but more Buttslash -- freaks out with the incensement high-and-morally-mighty scientists tend to have when the military blunderbusses in with their CENTURY-OLD PEACETIME to take away their new toy. There are three total randoms in the background, also doing their best to look impotently irritated. One of them shows off his ridiculously enormous pipes by making sure to shove his short sleeves over his shoulders as he crosses his arms. After Zombie Chekov completes his demand for Genesis (while laying blame at the feet of Add-meer-ahl Kirk), he hangs up on the Dr. Marci and their Wargames computer banks. Khan commends him on his performance. Zombie Chekov tells Khan's chest -- since it's been proven that his chest is real and not Mattel-made, I can't fathom the amount of waxing, plucking, buffing, and powdering it must have undergone to make it that smooth and shiny -- that the Dr. Marci will now attempt to contact Kirk to confirm the order. Khan nods happily.

Enterprise. Kirk holds the turbolift for Saavik, who jogs in wearing a karate top with her hair tumbling down in raven waves. Kirk asks if Saavik is wearing her hair differently. Saavik strokes it self-consciously and says, "It's still regulation, Add-meer-ahl." Kirk um-hmms this and looks her up and down. Lech. Saavik reaches for Kirk...and stops the turbolift. Love in a turbo-l-ii-ft. Loving it up when I'm going down! Saavik wants to corner Kirk on her Kobayashi Maru performance. Kirk guesses this and tells her there's no resolution, as it's a test of character. Saavik says, "May I ask how you dealt with the test?" Kirk smugs, "You may ask," and starts the turbolift up, since it's clear he's not going to be living out any Aerosmith lyrics. Saavik stares at him, and Kirk says, "That's a little joke." Yes, a very little one. "Humor," Saavik Datas, "it is a difficult concept. It is not logical." Kirk tells her, "We learn by doing." Huh? The doors open on Bones, who crabs, "Who's been holding up the damn elevator?!" Saavik gets off. Again, not in the Aerosmith way. "She change her hairstyle?" Bones drawls. I just love Bones. Kirk says he hadn't noticed. "Wonderful stuff, that Romulan Ale," Bones comments. Again, HUH? Wasn't that like two days ago? Has Bones been drunk ever since then and is just now sobering up? Scotty was always upfront about his binges, but this scene and that scene in Star Trek: IV makes me think the good doctor is a secret Bones the Nipper. Uhura comms that he has a message coming in from Dr. Carol Marcus. Kirk and Bones exchange significant looks. Kirk acknowledges. "It never rains but it pours," Bones smiles. Is he referring to some hanky-panky with Saavik? Because that just never really bears out in this movie. Plus, in the movie, when she undergoes a severe personality change, she makes with the mating with Spock. Kirk is irritated and tells Bones that, as a physician, he should understand the dangers of opening old wounds. Kirk stalks off. Bones is all, "Sor-ry!"

Kirk gets a very garbled and staticky transmission from Dr. Carol in which she demands to know why he's taking Genesis away from them. Kirk is confused. Dr. Carol is confused too, because she can see but can't hear him. She pleads with Kirk to come and straighten everything out. Why would she want him to come if she believes he's the one taking the project away? The transmission goes FUBAR, and Uhura says it's being jammed at the source. Would that be grape or raspberry? Kirk tells Uhura to connect him with Starfleet Command.

Regula I. The scientists argue about what to do. Finally, after Buttslash works on more of his issues, Dr. Carol says to get their gear handy. A scientist asks where they're going. "That's for us to know and Reliant to find out," Dr. Carol says. What's ? Nanny-nanny boo-boo, you can't catch us!?

Kirk interrupts Spock's meditation to discuss Regula I. Unlike T'Pol -- who finds it necessary to meditate in slippy-slidy blue satin Frederick's of Hollywood pajamas -- Spock just puts a black smock over his uniform. It makes him look quite like the medieval cleric -- in fact, I think it's the same midnight madrigal outfit from The Motion Picture. On the wall, there's this huge Vulcan IDIC symbol tricked out in those linked metallic disks. Wow, it's like those old Joe Camel billboards. Klassy, Spock. Kirk lays his problem before Spock, says they've been ordered to investigate, and then proceeds to insult Spock's cadets: "I told Starfleet Command all...wehadwasa...BOATLOAD of children." Kirk wants to know how well his "children" will respond "under real pressure." "As with all things -- each according to his gifts," Spock sagebrushes. Spock then tells Kirk that he must take command of the ship. Kirk makes a faint attempt at refusal, but Spock -- by strategic use of the captain's first name -- convinces him otherwise. Spock goes on to say that it was a mistake for Kirk to accept promotion: "Commanding a starship is your first, best destiny. Anything else is a waste of material." I get a sort of lump in my throat when I think of Kirk's words to Picard: "Whatever you do, don't ever let them make you an admiral." Kirk, loving the Vulcan compliments, says, "I wouldn't presume to debate you." Spock thinks that's a wise decision, and adds, "Were I to invoke logic, logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few." "Or the one," Kirk finishes. Hmm, that's quite an interesting phrase -- I wonder if it will get reused later in someone's death-wall scene. Spock stands up and says, "You're my superior officer, you're also my friend. I have been and always shall be yours." His what? His Valentine? Why would he be saying that now? No one's dying yet.

Kirk hustles to the Bridge to announce his being-in-chargement. He orders warp and a course set for Regula I. I don't think Saavik should still be sitting in the captain's seat at this point. I guess she's just keeping it warm for him. Kirk apologizes to the "children" that they have to grow up a little quicker than they expected. Not to worry, I'm sure none of them will be harmed. Especially not the ones Glark has banked an Emotional Investment with.

Reliant. A Khanite says they are on their way to intercept Enterprise. Khan is pleased. The Khanite who looks like a genetic replicant of Khan (chest included) gets up to speak his mind. He doesn't think they need to carry out this personal vendetta against Kirk now that they've finally escaped the sand fleas of Ceti Alpha V. Khan answers with a response that shows all he heard was "la la la la Kirk. La la la la la la." "He tahsks me," Khan says, holding up a gloved hand, "he tahsks me, and I shall have heeem [he makes a fist]. I'll chase heem 'round the moons of Nibia and 'round the Antares mael-strohm and 'round Perdeetion's flames before I geeve heem up!" Dude, you're SO in love with him. Khan and Kirk sittin' in a tree -- K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes hair plugs in a baby carriage! Khan orders their course altered.

Enterprise. Uhura can't get a response from Regula I. As Kirk muses over Dr. Carol's message about Genesis, Spock hints that it might be nice to share the info since he knows nothing about Genesis, "beyond the Biblical reference." I think there's a dirty joke in there somewhere. Maybe Glark can winnow it out as I hand the summit meeting of Bones, Kirk, and Spock over to him.

I have no time for dirty jokes! We're so close to the bestest sequence in Star Trek ever that I'm forced to over-summarize this crappy scene just to get to the good stuff. Bones, Spock, and Kirk meet Tonight, Tonight, Tonight to watch a video about Genesis, hosted by Carol and Pan-Am-era graphic design. It creates life on lifeless planets, but destroys life if used on a living planet -- like zebra grass in my garden. Bones gets his panties in a bunch over Starfleet playing God, and Spock is his usual indifferent self. Bones gets snotty. Spock raises an eyebrow. Kirk is notified that the Reliant is in range.

Now, I don't want to oversell the chunk of the film, but it is one of the greatest yee-haw moments in cinematic history, and if, by the end of it, you do not have a crazy grin on your face stretching from ear to ear, you might want to check for a pulse. It's that fucking good.

Khan sits in the captain's chair on the bridge on the Reliant, surrounded by his crew -- or maybe they just wandered in from the set of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, I can't be too sure. Khan orders his helmsman to slow to one-half impulse power, and with a satisfied smugness adds, "Let's be friends."

Cut to Sulu on the Enterprise bridge: "Reliant in our section this quadrant, sir, and slowing." Sulu has the best voice, doesn't he? If I ever had to get really bad news delivered to me, I'd like Sulu to do it: "Sorry, Glark, you have inoperable brain cloud syndrome. You have but two weeks to live." Sure, it would suck to be dead in two weeks, but it wouldn't seem so bad coming from Sulu. Everything Sulu says sounds like it might be foreplay. He's that good. I've said too much. Saavik -- having not stuck her nose in Kirk's business for a couple of minutes -- feels like now is the right time to remind her captain about general order number twelve. Spock cuts in, "Lieutenant, the Admiral is aware of the regulations." UFP Smackdown, tonight on UPN. Kirk asks Spock if a communication breakdown on the Reliant is possible. Spock says it is, and would explain "a great many things." Way to cover your ass, Spock. How about you get that big juicy 3D chess club Vulcan head of yours into the Science Goggles and get your captain some fucking answers, eh?

Back on the Reliant, Joachim (hey, that's his name -- I'm not making this stuff up. I think he might be related to Joaquin Phoenix) informs Khan that the Enterprise is requesting communications. Khan decides to "let them eat static." Khan's such a bitch! As the Enterprise moves closer, Joachim Phoenix notes that their shields are still down. "Of course," says Khan. "We're one big happy fleet." For some reason, and I'm not sure why exactly, that line made me think of iMac-coloured Starfleet ships with bright lights and big '60s-style flower power decals zipping through space. Anyway. "Ah, Kirk, my old friend, do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge is a dish that is best served cold?" Wait for it. Wait for it. "It is very cold in space." Booyah, Khan! Booyah.

Back on the Enterprise, Kirk is trying to make some sense of the situation. "This is damned peculiar," he says, stroking his chin in a manner to which a more bearded officer or philosopher might also add, "I stroke my beard thusly." Kirk decides to go to yellow alert. As klaxons blare, Saavik orders, "Energize defense fields!" and then some anonymous hands are seen pressing and pushing buttons and knobs on computer consoles from the '70s and '80s. I think I saw an Altair 8800 in there. "I'm getting a voice message," says Uhura. "They say their chambers coil is shorting their comm. system." Oh, man, a case of chambers coil is no laughing matter. I had it in the summer of '97 and it took four litres of prune juice to finally resolve the situation. Spock informs Kirk that their coil emissions are normal.

As the two ships pass each other in space, Khan orders the Reliant to raise shields. Spock says Reliant's shields are going up.

Khan says to lock phasers.

Spock says Reliant's phasers are locked.

You see where this is going. That crafty Khan is one step ahead of the Enterprise. He's wily! Kirk orders shields up -- but baby -- it's too late.

"FIRE!" screams Khan. Okay, people. Hold tight, because here we go.

The Reliant is all like, "Zap! Zap! Bzzzzap!" And the Enterprise is like flying through space and "ka-paashpow, boom!" Its engine room goes "bzzzzzt, blammo!" And I was like, "Whoa!" and my friend, my friend was like, "Awesome!" And then the guy from Khan's ship uses his N64 to target the Enterprise again, and I was like, "No way! Awesome!" and they totally fired it at them again! "Zzzzap!" Woooo! Then like half the people on the Enterprise bridge jump -- I mean, "get flung" to the other side as the camera tilts and my friend was like, "Whatever," but I was like, "Rad!" Kirk's all, "Sulu, get those shields up," and Sulu's all, "I'm trying," and then, and then there's this totally huge door coming down in the engine room! I think it's cutting off the reactor from the control room or something, there's so much happening I'm losing track of everything. Awesome! Oh, man, I think Khan's going to win! Kirk's all, like, yelling at Scotty for more power or phasers or something, and Scotty's all grabbing an oxygen mask because he's so fat now.

Whoa.

Kirk calls for a damage report. Spock points out, on a nearby computer display, where the ship has been struck, noting, "They knew just where to hit us." "Who?" asks Kirk. "Who knew just where to hit us? And why?" Spock left his Big Book of Federation Turncoats at home, so he just offers this gem: "One thing is certain: we cannot escape on auxiliary power." Thanks, Spock. Very helpful. Kirk takes this in stride and asks Sulu for a visual of the Reliant. The main screen activates just in time to see Reliant fire a torpedo at the Enterprise. "Hang on!" Kirk yells when the torpedo strikes. The bridge does its best imitation of the pyrotechnics at the end of "Pour Some Sugar On Me" at a Def Leppard show. As the smoke starts to clear a little bit, Kirk gets a status report from Scotty, who informs him that only the batteries are working, auxiliary power is a few minutes away, and there's only power for a few phaser shots. Spock explains that the Enterprise is thusly boned. Uhura interrupts, "Admiral...the commander of the Reliant is signaling...he wishes to discuss terms of our surrender." Damn.

The bridge falls silent. Kirk glances around as if he's looking for a miracle that might have slipped between the sofa cushions. He looks at Spock. Spock's got nothin'. "Put him on screen," orders Kirk. "Do it, while we have time." Kirk finds his way to his chair, still in disbelief this is all really happening.

The main screen flickers to life. It's Khan, and damn, he looks really pleased with himself. A dumbfounded Kirk slowly rises out of his chair: "Khan." Yep. That's Khan. "You still remember, Admiral. I cannot help but be touched. I, of course, remember you." Kirk wants some info: "What is the meaning of this attack? Where is the crew of the Reliant?" Khan replies, "Surely I have made my meaning plain. I mean to avenge myself upon you, Admiral. I've deprived your ship of power, and when I swing round, I mean to deprive you of your life, but I wanted you to know first who it was who had beaten you." Bummer, but you have to love a man who rubs it in with such relish.

Kirk asks Khan to take only him and spare his crew. Khan says okey-dokey, but throw in everything you know about Genesis. Kirk's playing it like he's in a Land of Confusion...all like, "Gen-a-what? Gen-a-who?" And Khan's all, "Oh, no, girlfriend, I wasn't born yesterday." Kirk asks for some time to call up the data on the Starfleet intranet. Khan gives them sixty seconds. Fun fact: by the time Khan says sixty seconds is up, 125 seconds has actually passed. Kirk clears the bridge, because the upcoming sequence is so incredibly awesome, he doesn't want to get blindsided by a Starfleet-issue sock when it is blown off an ensign's foot.

Kirk makes his way over to Saavik and asks her to call up the "data charts" of Reliant's command console. Saavik says she doesn't have Excel installed, but can open a read-only copy in Word. Spock is hip to Kirk's game. "The Prefix Code?" he asks. You better believe it, Spock. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you The Prefix Code Gambit. Khan announces that they have forty-five seconds to deliver the Genesis data, or they will be In Too Deep. While Saavik works on the data, Khan becomes impatient, and Kirk tries to stall for time, whining and moaning that the bridge is in ruins and the computers need new videocards and hyperthreading motherboards and how the chai lattes at Starbucks are too sweet these days. Khan coolly explains that "time is a luxury you do not have."

Saavik calls up the data, and Kirk reluctantly puts his glasses on in order to see what's what. Spock gives Kirk the prefix code as Saavik is bombarded with Prefix Code exposition. You see, each ship has its own combination code to prevent an enemy from doing just what the Enterprise is attempting: using their console to order Reliant to lower its shields. Khan's countdown is at fifteen seconds. "Khan, how do I know you'll keep your word?" asks Kirk. "Oh, I've given you no word to keep, Admiral. In my judgment, you simply have no alternative," answers Khan, with a little body language that adds insult to injury. "I see your point," admits Kirk. "Stand by to receive our transmission." He then turns to Sulu and quietly orders him to lock phasers on target and await his command. "Time's up, Admiral." In Khan's mind, it's win-win time. Either Kirk's dead or Kirk's his prisoner. Oh my god, this scene is so good. The pacing, the music, the cheese. I don't know if I can do it justice. Tell you what. Go watch the scene right now for yourself. I'll wait.

Go ahead.

It's about 57 minutes into the movie.

I'm still waiting, it's okay.

Wasn't that totally awesome!?!

Did you love the part where Kirk said, "Here it comes...now, Spock"? Khan totally thought it was the Genesis data, but you know what? It wasn't. Kirk totally punched in the Prefix Code, and Reliant's shields dropped! Wooooo! When it comes to delivering Genesis data, Kirk has an Invisible Touch. And did you see when Joachim Phoenix is like, "Sir -- our shields are dropping!" and Khan has this total freak-out because he just can't believe he's been played like that? He's looking all over for the override, but you know what? He can't find it. That's what! Yeah! Remember when Kirk is all lit by the red alert lighting and there's that awesome close-up of his mouth going, "FIRE!" and the Enterprise totally bitch-slapped the dick out of Reliant's mouth? Oh, man, that was the best! Wooooo! Wooooo! U.F.P.! U.F.P.! U.F.P.!

Yeah. I liked it too. Star Trek's best moment. Sniff!

As the Reliant is licking its wounds, Sulu gives Kirk his props. Kirk, however, is none too pleased with himself and is having none of it. "I did nothing -- except get caught with my britches down. I must be senile. Mr. Saavik, you just keep right on quoting regulations. Meantime, let's find out what the hell is going on and see how bad we've been hurt."

I'm going to pass this back to Keckler, then go watch that scene again.

Oh, great. I get the dead kid. Thanks, Glark. The doors swiiishhh open and there's Scotty in all his drama-queen glory, holding his mostly dead nephew like he was the Creature of the Black Lagoon holding a half-dressed blond nymphette. Gasps all around. Even the two Vulcans cannot contain their disgust over how inappropriate it was for Scotty to bring a dying officer to the Bridge instead of directly to Sickbay.

After that little bit of showmanship, we finally go to Sickbay. Lots of people covered in Boston Marathon blankets, lying on the floor or on beds. In the back, Bones tries to work industrial light and magic on Scotty's nephew. The nephew catches sight of Kirk and sits up surprisingly well for someone who is mostly dead, asking, "Is the word given, Admiral?" "The word is given, warp speed," Kirk says, clasping the kid's hand, which happens to be clutching at his flap-down tunic. "Aye," the kid says, and dies. "Why?" Scotty sobs. There's a big smear of blood on the white of the flap-down tunic from where the kid was clutching at him. "He wants to kill me for passing sentence on him fifteen years ago, and he doesn't care who stands between him and his vengeance," Kirk explains. Now, I know THAT wasn't in the pre-extra-special-DVD original movie, because they glossed over Kirk explaining anything about Khan. Interesting. Bones apologizes for Scotty's loss. "He stayed at his post," Scotty sobs, "when the trainees a-ran." Spock comms in with some news about auxiliary power being restored, and Kirk breaks into Scotty's grief to ask if he can get the engines back online. "I dunna think so, sir, but you'll have my best. Thanks, I know you tried, Doctor," Scotty chokes, and runs out. Bones and Kirk talk about how they have to get Genesis back from Khan. "We're alive only because I knew something about these ships that he didn't," Kirk says, and leaves Sickbay.

Regula I. No one on the space station is inclined to pick up the phone, and they forgot to turn the answering machine on. The blood splotch on Kirk's flap-down tunic has diminished slightly. Finally, Kirk gets a team to go over with him. Saavik quotes some manual stuff about flag officers not going places without armed escorts or boutonnires. At first Kirk tries to deny that such a reg exists, but then he changes his mind when he thinks how fetching a green carnation would look on his uniform, and hands the ship over to Spock. "Jim, be careful," Spock says. "We will!" Bones snits pointedly. I love Bones. Bones, Kirk, and Saavik beam. All is eerily quiet on Regula 1. Uhura's face continues to show on monitors for some reason. The away team explores the ship. Bones jumps when he sees a rat. Rats in space? Oh, sorry, that should have been "Raaaaaats Iiiiiin Spaaaaace!" Bones backs away from the rat and runs right into someone's dangling hands. It's a dead and bloody body. I have to say, that part still freaks me out to this day. There's something about bodies being hung upside down that just isn't quite right. I mean, other than that they're dead, of course. Bones calls out to Kirk, and they lower a few bloody bodies down. Bones thinks that since the bodies are still fairly loose, they weren't killed that long ago. "Carol!" is all Kirk says. Uhura continues to try to get in touch with Regula I. Saavik calls Kirk over to a locker. Kirk punches a few buttons, but soon tires of that and just punches the buttons, glass shatters, Saavik and Bones jump at the ferocity of his blow. Because the dead bodies were nothing compared to that right hook.

Uhura still won't be ignored, and FINALLY Saavik comms back (in unnecessarily severe tones) that they are okay and hangs up on her. In the locker, they find Chekov and Capt. "Soon to be Betrayin'" Terrell. That's his rap name. Chekov cries to Kirk about Khan, "He put creatures in our bodies to control our minds. He made us say lies, do things. But ve beat him! He thought he controlled us but he deed not. The Captain vas strong." Kirk asks Terrell where Carol and Genesis are. As though talking in a dream, Terrell tells Kirk that Khan found nothing in the data banks that related to Genesis: "He...tortured those people...but none of them would tell them anything...he...went wild...he...slit...their throats." Terrell goes on dreamweaving that Khan didn't have time to tear Regula I apart, because he had a date to blow Kirk. To bits. He tells Saavik that the crew of the Reliant are marooned on Ceti Alpha V. "He's completely mad, Admiral, he blames you for the death of his wife," Terrell muses. "I know what he blames me for!" Kirk interrupts. Well, but actually you don't, because there's no real way you would know that McGivers was dead, but okay.

Kirk and the away team examine the transporter logs. Saavik determines that the transport coordinates are deep in the core of the planet, "a planet we know to be lifeless." "If stage two was completed it was going to be underground -- it was going to be underground she said," Kirk mutters. Did y'all get that? They're UNDERGROUND. "Stage two of what?" Saavik wonders as Kirk calls Spock for the damage report. "Admiral, if we go by the book, like Lt. Saavik, hours would seem like days." Kirk understands, and wants to know the sitch. "The situation is grave, Admiral, we won't have main power for six days," Spock starts. At this point, we see Khan on his ship eavesdropping on their conversation. "Auxiliary power has temporarily failed. Restoration might be possible in two days. By the book, Admiral," Spock finishes. Maybe he's quoting from the Bible and all that should be "by The Book." Kirk supposes this means they can't get beamed back to the ship. Khan looks pleased with himself. Kirk tells Spock that if he doesn't hear from them in an hour, he must take the ship to the nearest base and alert Starfleet of the situation. Uhura breaks into protest: "Sir, we won't leave you behind!" "Uhura, if you don't hear from us, there won't be anybody 'behind,'" Kirk says and hangs up. At Terrell's request, he and Chekov beam into the planet with the away team. "Where are we going?" Bones asks. "Where they went," Kirk says, gesturing at Saavik, who is setting the controls. "Suppose they went nowhere?" Bones protests irritably. "Then, this will be your big chance to get away from it all!" Kirk assures him. Bones scowls. Beamage.

We see the surface of the planet, so we know that they are beaming underground. A dead planet.

Arriving underground on the dead planet, they look around at the shiny, pretty stuff. Bones opens a locker and says, "Genesis, I presume?" There's a clatter of someone dropping two dimes and a nickel, and Kirk whips out his gun. He's attacked by that curly-haired offspring of his. They fight. Kirk wins and demands, "Where's Doctor Marcus?" "I'm Doctor Marcus!" Buttslash whines. "Jim!" shrieks the Real Dr. Marcus as she runs clickity-clack down a hallway. Kirk stares at Buttslash in repulsed wonder as he walks over to Dr. Marcus to ask, "Is that David?" Before she can answer, Buttslash whines, "Mother, he killed everyone we left behind!" First of all, shut up, Buttslash. Secondly, how do they even know that everyone on Regula 1 is dead? Finally, there's something very Little Lord Fauntleroy about how he says "Mother" like that. I can't quite put my finger on why, but I see him dressed in a ruby-red velvet suit with frilly cuffs, stamping his little patent-leathered foot and saying, "Moth-er!" when she won't let him have more jam. Oh, and the suit is a short pants suit. "Well, of course he didn't," Dr. Marcus says, with limpid eyes turned on Kirk. "David, you're just making this harder." Terrell tells her it's even harder than she thinks, and the camera pans down to show the gun he's holding. "Pleeease, don't move," Terrell says tremblingly. Chekov raises his gun as well. Yeah, I didn't really buy that claptrap about Chekov's mind being strong enough to resist the armadillo earwigs. Kirk is aghast. "I'm...sorry...Admiral," Chekov works out. Terrell talks into his watch and asks, "Your Excellency, have you been listening?" The camera lovingly pans up Khan's arm as though we aren't supposed to know who belongs to that wired-up wrist as Khan says he has indeed been listening.

"I knew it, you son of a bitch!" Buttslash says, lunging at...something. Saavik tosses him out of the way as Terrell fires over them and vaporizes some random Genesis member. I think it was the drummer. Khan tells Terrell he's waiting, and wonders at the delay. "All is well, sir, you have the coordinates to beam up Genesis," Terrell tells him. Khan pinches the bridge of his nose as though he can't believe he has to work with such rank murdering amateurs, and says, "First things first, Captain. Kill Ad-meer-ahl Kirk." Terrell struggles and sweats and complains to Khan that it's difficult and finally rips his watch off with his teeth. There's a squealing of the porcine variety, and Terrell screams and falls down. Kirk goes to help him, but Terrell points his gun at him. Khan keeps egging him on to do his dirty work and Terrell finally, slowly, turns the gun on himself and fires. Chekov grabs his head, screams, and falls to the ground. Bones investigates, and manages not to trip over the giant fake ear as blood trickles and the armadillo earwig wriggles out. Once the bug has fallen wetly free, Kirk fires at it and sets it aflame. He snatches the wristwatch and says, "Khanyoubloodsucker, you're going to have to do your own dirty work now -- doyouhearme? DO YOU?!" Khan's face is truly comical as he realizes with horror that Kirk is still alive. "Kirk? Kirk, you're still aliiiive...my old friend," Khan breathes. "Still! Old! Friend!" Kirk says, "You've managed to kill just about everyone else but like a poor marksman, you KEEP MISSING THE TARGET!" Khan gestures wildly at his underlings to do things, which they do, and he falls back on his chair. "Perhaps I no longer need to try, Ad-meer-ahl," Khan says. The underlings do things. Genesis vanishes. Buttslash protests and lunges just as impotently as before. Kirk thinks about how to get out of this one. "Khan...Khan, you've got Genesis, but you don't have ME, you're were gonna kill me, Khan, but you're gonna have to come down here. You're gonna have...to...come...down...HERE!" And now for some of the most repeated lines in cinematic history. With an inexplicably pained look on his face, Khan says, "I've done far worse than kill you...I've hurt you...and I wish to go on...HURTING you. I shall leave you as you left me...as you left HER [her choice, but whatever]...marooned for all eternity at the center of a dead planet." Khan's voice drops to a whisper, "Buried aliiiive! Buried aliiiive!"

Kirk screws up his face and lips and starts to shake and tremble oddly.

"KHAAAAAN! KHAAAAAAAAAAN!"

It echoes over the dead planet. Cheers, Glark.

You know you've been born under a bad sign when you miss recapping "KHAAAAAAAAN!" by five seconds. And to that unfortunate bit of timing I say the following: "KHAAAAAAAAN!"

Back in the Genesis cave, Saavik wants to know how Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru test. "Lieutenant," says McCoy, "you are looking at the only Starfleet cadet who ever beat the no-win scenario." He then does a triple pointy-finger jab in Kirk's direction, in case Saavik thought we were talking about Dr. Marcus or a fern. Kirk explains that he used his l33T haxxor sKiL1z to reprogram the simulation so that it would be possible to rescue the ship. Son of Kirk thinks he cheated, but Kirk has a different view: "I changed the conditions of the test. Got a commendation for original thinking. I don't like to lose." Memo to Kirk: don't rent Generations. Trying her best to kill her chances of upward mobility in Starfleet, Saavik replies, "Then you never faced that situation -- faced death." Kirk dismisses her: "I don't believe in the no-win scenario." He pulls out his communicator and does the flippy-flip thing to find Spock waiting on the other end. "It's two hours. Are you ready?"

"Right on schedule, Admiral," says Spock on the Enterprise. "Just give us your coordinates and we'll beam you aboard." Saavik is wearing a "saaaaaaay what?" expression on her face, and McCoy's mug seems to be saying "you old dog you!" or perhaps "Kirk, you magnificent bastard!"

Back in the cave, Kirk sums it up: "I don't like to lose."

Kirk and company are beamed up to the transporter room of the Enterprise, while Kirk explains to Saavik that he and Spock were following good ol' regulation 46-A, which calls for coded messages if transmissions are being monitored during battle. The code? Using days in place of hours. Good thing Khan didn't have the Enigma device to break that doozy. I have stronger encryption on my bike lock. Saavik says that Spock lied. Spock says that he was just exaggerating. Boy, Saavik is pretty stupid for a Starfleet Lieutenant. Is there a place on Vulcan that's like the backwoods of the Ozarks, and if so, was she born there? With Saavik in tow, Kirk and Spock head out of the transporter room for the bridge. Kirk finds that the turbolifts are not working, and the Enterprise only has partial main power. So Kirk, Spock, and Saavik decide to jog to the bridge. Halfway there, Kirk tells Spock, "That young man -- he's my son." Spock can barely muster a "Fascinating," and it's dripping with delicious un-Vulcan-like sarcasm. Oh, Spock, you bitch! ["He just doesn't want to compete for Kirk's loooove." -- Keckler]

Cut to space, where we discover that the Enterprise and Reliant are on opposite sides of the planet from each other.

Aaaand we're on the bridge. We're going to Red Alert. Woop! Woop! Mood lighting! Battle stations! Tactical! You two nondescript people in the background: change places! Spock informs Kirk, "She can outrun us and outgun us. But there is the Mutara Nebula at 153 mark four." Oooh, nebulas. Dem purrty. Kirk asks Scotty if they can make it to said nebula. Scotty -- never one to give a straight answer -- tells his Admiral, "The energizer's bypassed like a Christmas tree -- so don't give me too many bumps." Kirk says, "No promises," and sends him on his way. I guess we still have Christmas, or at least Christmas trees, in the future. Who knows -- maybe they're waiting for Christ's third coming by now. The future is weird like that. Saavik -- now sitting at the navigation helm -- has some more potential bad news: "Trouble with the nebula, sir, is all that static discharge and gas clouds [sic] tactical display. Visuals won't function, and shields will be useless." Spock says, "Sauce for the goose, Mr. Saavik. The odds will be even." Saavik says, "Huh?" then Spock says, "An old fox need learn no craft." Saavik goes, "Wut?" and then Spock offers up, "What do you expect from a pig, but a grunt?" Saavik cocks her head to the side. Spock sighs and says, "Curiosity killed the cat; satisfaction brought it back." Saavik scratches her head, to which Spock opines, "It's an ill bird that fouls its own nest." Saavik's eyes water. Spock angrily shouts to the heavens, "Curses, like chickens come home to roost!"

The Enterprise crew is getting ready for battle. Some walk. Others run. Some put big shiny black tubes in places. Others don't. The answer to the question "How many Starfleet recruits does it take to remove six grates from the floor?" is answered. The answer is six.

"There she is! There she is! Ahhhhhh!" exclaims Khan on the bridge of the Reliant. They have found Enterprise trying to hoof it to the nebula. "And not so wounded as we were led to believe. So much the better." The hunt is on, and the Reliant closes in on the Enterprise. Joachim tells Khan, "If they go in there, we'll lose them." Khan tells Joachim to "explain it to them." In Khanese, "explain" means "shoot a torpedo."

Saavik says, "That was close," but onscreen it appears that the torpedo goes straight through the nacelle connector. Someone at ILM was napping on the job that day. Saavik asks her Admiral, "What happens if Reliant fails to follow us into the nebula?" Spock answers for Kirk: "I think we can guarantee she'll follow us, Lieutenant. Remind me to explain to you the concept of the human ego." Get on the stick, Saavik. Jeez!

Back on the Reliant, Khan asks Joachim why they've slowed down. "We can't follow them into the nebula, sir," answers Joachim. "Our shields will be useless!" Khan really seems to want to go in there, but he gives the situation a second toss around his big genetically modified brain and settles back into the captain's chair, resigned not to follow the Enterprise into the nebula where the geese and the ganders eat shields...or so the legend goes.

Spock informs Kirk that the Reliant has reduced its speed, and Kirk gets Uhura (oh, hi Uhura; I forgot you were in this movie) to patch him in. "This is Admiral Kirk," he boasts. "We tried it once your way, Khan. Are you game for a rematch?" Khan can't believe his ears! Kirk! Alive! Noooo! Kirk continues to bait his foe. "Khan! I'm laughing at the 'superior' intellect." Oh, burn on Khan!

Khan's pissed! He's steaming mad! "Full impulse power!" he seethes. Joachim -- the son Khan never had -- reminds Khan that with Genesis, the world is his oyster, and if this world is not good enough, then he can just go ahead and create another. Khan's still pissed off. Khan grabs his first mate by the collar of his vest and screams, "Full power, damn you!" before shoving him out of the way and throttling Reliant up to speed himself. Khan: man of action.

Watching the Reliant suddenly speed towards the Enterprise from the main screen, Kirk says, "I'll say this for him: he's consistent." Spock announces, "We are now entering the Mutara Nebula." Purples and blues are so hot now. Purples and blues. The nebula is one yin-yang symbol and one unicorn away from being a horrible visual clich.

The Reliant enters the nebula. Khan orders everything that he was told would not work in the nebula to be turned on. Khan is not a good listener. Joachim reduces speed. The Enterprise and Reliant are forced to navigate the nebula blindly, due to electrical interference. We are treated to various views of them missing each other, in a Star Trek version of the classic cartoon staple of characters chasing each other in and out of many doors down a long hotel hallway. Eventually, Enterprise gets the drop on Khan, but Sulu is forced to fire without the targeting computer (use the Force, Sulu...let go of your feelings) and misses by miles. Khan fires back, also missing quite blatantly. Static plays havoc with the Enterprise's main screen. Static. Static. Static. Static. Suddenly, Reliant is seen charging right toward them! Aiieeeee! "Evasive starboard!" yells Kirk. Crazy "Clang! Clang!" music! Reliant fires! Kablamo! Take that, poor dude on Enterprise who just got set on fire! Enterprise returns fire! Kablooey! Take that, Joachim! He does the classic 360-over-the-bridge-railing dive. Joachim also takes a giant piece of the bridge's papier-mch roof to his stomach moments after his railing dive. Khan picks up the ten-ounce metal slab and tosses it aside with all his manly might.

Back on the Enterprise, Kirk gets a damage report from Scotty in Engineering. "Admiral, I got to take the mains off the line, it's ray-dee-a-shun!" says Scotty before collapsing into Doctor McCoy's waiting arms. See? Sometimes there is a good doctor around when you need one.

On the Reliant, things look grim for Joachim. Khan is tending to his fallen first mate as he fades to black. As last words go, Joachim's are pretty bad. Before dying, he looks longingly into Khan's eyes and stammers, "Yours...is...the superior...." Okay. He's supposed to be dead at this moment. Khan takes his head and clutches it to his own bosom before declaring, "I shall avenge you!" In the last moment before Joachim's head goes off out of view and into Khan's magnificent and manly pecs, he quickly closes his dead eyes! Joachim lives! The power of Khan's chest compels you! Back to Keckler!

Yes, I think Glark could use some alone time with that moment, don't you? On Enterprise's bridge, Chekov enters and shakingly asks if Kirk could use another hand. Kirk smiles and orders him to man the weapons console. Chekov walks stiffly over to his post as though he just endured seven hours of enemas. Spock announces some sporadic energy readings in the nebula, and hypothesizes that it could be an impulse turn. Kirk says that, as Khan has stalked him this far, he's not going to give up now. He'll be back. "But...from...where?" Kirk wonders. "He's intelligent, but not experienced," Spock notes, "his pattern betrays two-dimensional thinking." "That's SUCH a great line -- hooray for geometry!" the Evil Dr. Mathra shouts. Kirk brings the ship to a stop and decides to sink them into the nebula and arm their photon torpedoes. In the background, I can see Buttslash rubbing his bare arms. Dude, if you put your white sweater ON instead of tying it Country Club Cliff fashion around your neck and shoulders, you might be a little warmer. Freak. Who ties their sweater like that, anyway? This isn't the Bridge of Carnival Cruises.

Cool shot of Enterprise sinking into the nebula.

Reliant surges out of the nebula elsewhere. Khan peers through his staticky viewscreen and clasps his hands together, vowing to change cable companies. He's doing the Michael Jackson thing of only wearing one tin shard-encrusted glove. Because criminal masterminds are too cool to be coordinated.

Suddenly, from behind Reliant, we see Enterprise surge up from underneath. It's an awesome scene. Very predatory -- like a shark closing in on a naked woman swimming at night. Chekov announces that the torpedoes are reading. The music gets very excited. Enterprise closes in, and Kirk smiles at his Bridge crew to "Look sharp." They stared at their scrambled viewscreen, and a vague impression of Reliant flickers in. They fire and blow up parts of the Reliant model. Someone on Reliant catches fire and screams while smacking at his head with both hands. "Fire!" Kirk orders again. One of Reliant's nacelles goes boom. People throw themselves across the set and scream on Reliant's Bridge. There's no sign of Khan.

Enterprise continues to move slowly off. Bridge. Saavik tells Kirk they're up to two minutes and thirty seconds. Kirk comms Engineering and demands to know what's going on.

Engineering. Bones and Scotty scream and pound while Spock lifts something up and off. "Noooo, Spoooock, doooon't!" Scotty yells. Blue-white flame and light pours out as Sam Beckett steps into the Imaging Chamber. Spock does a lot of stuff with the blue-white flame that can't be good for his general health.

Enterprise flies. Genesis continues to steam. Kirk asks for the time. It's counting up to three minutes and thirty seconds. In another thirty seconds, Genesis will be full-armed and operational. The camera pans over the Bridge to show everyone's tense faces. Buttslash rubs his hands. Chekov says they are only four thousand kilometers away from Reliant. Sulu doesn't think they're going to make it. Kirk looks over at Buttslash, who shakes his head.

On Reliant, Khan and his crazed bloody face grin at the fuzzy image of Enterprise trying to get away. "No, no," he whispers, "you cahn't get away! From hell's heart, I stab at thee! For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee!" Genesis gets brighter and brighter.

Spock's Death Alcove. Spock continues to do more stuff the Surgeon General warns us against. He puts the lid back on the Imaging Chamber. Sam Beckett never leaped home. On the Bridge, they realize they have the mains back online. "Bless you, Scotty," Kirk mutters, not knowing how those words will come back to haunt him in his waking hours, in his dreams, and whenever he changes a lightbulb. He orders Sulu to "GO!" Sulu goes. Enterprise goes. Reliant blows. It's nice that Khan died thinking he killed Kirk -- it made his last moments so peaceful. Reliant continues to blow pyrotechnic effects, and then some smoke rings form around it. The nebula has disappeared. Enterprise zips away.

Bridge. The crew gazes in wonder at the Genesis explosion. Dr. Carol comes onto the Bridge. "MygodCarollookatit," Kirk stilts. On the viewscreen, there's a big ball of red light as a planet starts to form. I guess. I thought Genesis needed a dead planet to make a live planet, but whatever. They never explain that. Kirk comms Engineering: "Well done, Scotty." "Jim," comes Bones' tragic voice, "I think you...better get down here." "Bones?" Kirk asks. "Better hurry," Bones quavers. Kirk looks suddenly over at Spock's empty seat and takes off. The Dr. Marci cuddle as they gaze at their experiment in the sky. The planet does some more forming. Kirk runs down corridors. The planet breathes and squalls. Kirk runs into Engineering and knocks a random out of his way as he slides -- not climbs -- down the ladder. He stops suddenly as he sees Spock in his Death Alcove. His mouth works silently. Kirk runs to open the door, but Bones, Scotty, and a third random grab him and restrain him. "No! You'll flood the whole compartment!" Bones sobs. Somewhere in all of this, Kirk's uniform flap has come down again. I swear, that damn flap is the unsung hero in this movie. "He'll die," Kirk states, still struggling. "Sir! He's dead already," Scotty says. Kirk stares at him. "It's too late," Bones adds. Kirk stops struggling, and the random walks away. Bones and Scotty let go of Kirk as he walks up to Spock's Death Alcove and puts his hands up on the Plexiglas. His mouth forms the word "Spock" but no sound comes out. That's either because he actually didn't say it, or, because our vantage is now from inside the chamber, we couldn't hear it without the comm system. Kirk goes over to the comm and wails, "Spooock!"

Now it's hanky time. Kirk's lips start to tremble. "Of my friend I can only say this," Kirk stammers. "Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the mosthuman." Maybe that was sad back in the day, but I always hear his delivery like he was saying "Newman!" on the set of Seinfeld. I'm sorry. Spock's coffin starts its unaffecting journey along the torpedo track while Scotty plays "Amazing Grace" on a set on non-futurey analog bagpipes. Surely if we are to believe peace between peoples and nations on earth has happened by the twenty-third century, then bagpipes would have been outlawed. Spock-in-a-can is fired at the "Genesis planet" as a fully orchestrated "Amazing Grace" takes over for Scotty. Whatever.

Back in the captain's quarters, Kirk breaks his glasses. David walks in for a chat Kirk obviously doesn't want to have. "Saavik was right: you never have faced death." Shut up, David. Just let the man do his job! Kirk sinks into his chair. "No, not like this. I haven't faced death. I've cheated death, tricked my way out of death, and patted myself on the back for my ingenuity but I know nothing." David replies that Kirk knew enough, enough to tell Saavik that "how we face death is at least as important as how we face life." Well, what the hell, David? Make up your mind. Papa Kirk got the death thing under control or not? I hate you. I hope you die soon. Maybe stabbed. In the back. With a silly-looking knife. On a fake-looking set. With Reverend Jim in the area. I know, that sounds silly. Anyway, David says that Kirk is a good dad and they have a nice little uncomfortable huggy-poo.

The captain's log is read as Enterprise overlooks the now very Earth-y-looking planet. The full text of the log reads as follows: "Spock's dead. Or is he? That's one wacky life-giving planet we left him on. Maybe I'll come back soon and search for Spock. Maybe I'll come back soon and Star Trek III: The Search for Spock."

On the bridge, McCoy remarks that Spock's not dead as long as we remember him. Kirk remembers some crap Spock told him on his birthday that just now sank in. McCoy asks Kirk how he feels, and Kirk replies that he feels "young. I feel young!" The rest of the bridge crew whispers old man jokes in the background.

Finally, we are treated to a fly-in of the Genesis planet to Spock's coffin. We get it! He's not really dead! Oh my God! Okay, finally-finally we are "treated" to Spock reading the "boldly go" speech over space scene. Wrap. It. Up.

Oh, okay, it's over. Live long and prosper.