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Dude. I don't even know what happened. I just watched it again do to the recaplet and I STILL don't know what happened. But weirdly? That was a good thing. In fact, this finale rocked so hard that I haven't been this wound up since "Twilight" and Dr. Mathra's now got the bruises to prove it. You gotta love that the episode OPENS with the Snake Eyes toasting each other with mice that they then EAT! Okay, okay, it's sort of Spike with the kittens (except he never ate them. On screen.) but it's way more V-"mousie-mousie," so it's way more awesome. Quantum badgers Hoshi to figure out how to disarm the weapon. Poor Hoshi complies. Suddenly, Shran arrives on the scene to save the day and it's just awesome. He distracts the Snake Eyes with a juicy bunny rabbit, so Quantum and Qrew can get onto the weapon in order to unplug it. They unplug it, and Quantum sends his Qrew back so he can face Dolim alone. Somewhere in there there's a scene with Daniels that bugs me because I HATE Daniels, and it's also fairly pointless, until year, I expect. Meanwhile, T'Pol and Trip take Enterprise over to Sphere 41 and busy themselves with turning that off. The whole crew gets impetigo in the ramped-up anomaly and some Golden Girls dodder in to see what sort of caftans they can heist. But THEN! They disable Sphere 41 and the Golden Girls sort of end up dying without another permanent. Then there's this scene between T'Pol and Porthos that I can't talk about because it actually made me cry. MADE ME CRY, PEOPLE! Everyone thinks Quantum is dead because Mega Maid explodes while he's "still on it," but he turns up in some Nazi camp with a red-eyed alien in an SS uniform glaring over him. Not to mention that Trip and May-I-Can't-Even-Try-Anymore fly down to SF looking for an unresponsive Starfleet only to have 1944-ish P-51's shooting at them. If you took off your head and hid it under the couch only to find it in the fridge, you weren't alone. But it was awesome. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
This finale rocked so hard that I haven't been this wound up since "Twilight," and Dr. Mathra's now got the bruises to prove it. You gotta love that the episode OPENS with the Snake Eyes toasting each other with mice that they then EAT! Okay, okay, it's sort of Spike with the kittens (except he never ate them. Onscreen.), but it's way more V-"mousie mousie," so it's way more awesome. But due to the totally WTF ending, if you took off your head and hid it under the couch, only to find it in the fridge grazing on the pickles, you weren't alone. But it was awesome.Previously on Enterprise, the whole damn season happened. Got questions? Wanna know why no one really knows what the Temporal Cold War is, or why I started drinking at nine o'clock in the morning since they dropped that storyline along with the Suliban and Shower Guy? Read the recaps.
A passel of Snake Eyes stand around, swirling drinks in cups and gloating. "If they had made us the dominant species before The Wars, our homeworld would still exist," Dolum comments in what sounds like a blaspheremous statement. "And our Avian brothers would still fill the skies," another Snake Eyes says, swirling his cup. What's with the swirling? Is this the Reptilian Wine Tasting Society? "We should be grateful that the Golden Girls have finally come to their senses," Dolum says. The camera pans down to show an ashtray with a few squirming mice in it. The Snake Eyes each grab a squealer by the tail and hold them up in the air as Dolum hubrises on. And on. The Snake Eyes toast Dolum's blather and lower the mice into their mouths with lots of noisy gobbling. Dolum's the only one who looks like he actually chewed his snack rather than just deep-throating it. I guess that's because Scott McDonald gets his name in the credits. Of course, now that we've seen them eat fuzzy cute things, they can't possibly ever get redeemed. It's like having a smoker on teen shows. And the Avians mention with required "fill the skies" comment? WHY did they never bring them back? It's like they intended to include them in a storyline as more than just legend but never got around to it. Given the continuous harping, I'm really kinda bugged by that.
On top of Old Hokey
All covered with boudong,
I lost my whole stomach
Because of this song
For watching's a pleasure,
But spewing is grief,
And a stink-twisted singer,
Is worse than a queef.
Mr. Man updates us that they will reach Snake Eyes and their ever-Pledging Mega Maid in a few hours. Because he's Mr. The Lipfinity Is Half-Empty, Reed complains that they aren't well-armed, and asks how many snake nests are escorting Mega Maid. Mr. Man stares off into the distance and says, "I can't tell," as though he were trying to be psychic about it or something. Quantum reminds us that they are going to have to disable Mega Maid from the inside. You know, one would think that the reason to suffer through five minutes of previouslies is so one wouldn't have to wade through all this knee-deep exposition! Three-Toed is unable to read Degra's encrypted schematics on Mega Maid, so Quantum announces that they need Hoshi. "She's in no condition to come up here," Reed protests firmly with his arms crossed. "I wish I had a choice, Malcolm!" Quantum furr-bellows. "Sir, she's barely conscious," Reed insists. Quantum asks Three-Toed to "transport [Degra's schematics] to a PADD -- something portable." Three-Toed nods.
We zoom to Florida, where Rose is telling another one of her St. Olaf stories that make all Minnesotans look like freaks and babbling weirdoes. The other Golden Girls ignore her (as usual) and bitch that their favorable outcomes in the timeline are still diminishing even though Mega Maid is about to reach Earth. Dorothy reminds us that Enterprise is on its way to fool with a sphere, and that can't be allowed to happen. Especially since Stan's back in town and he stopped wearing his toupee.
Enterprise. Technobabble between T'Pol and Trip as they try to get ready to emit a special pulse to destroy Sphere 41. They're encountering difficulties. "Two hours, Mr. Tucker!" T'Pol orders. So, we're back to formalities again? Also, even before she CRACK WHORED out his nickname last week, wasn't she usually calling him "Commander Tucker"? Does her new position as acting captain compel the "Mister" out of her bee-stung mouth? Trip gets irritated that their orders were to attempt to pull the plug on the spheres, not to destroy Enterprise in the process. "Has it occurred to you what will happen if Cpt. Archer fails? If Earth is destroyed?" T'Pol CRACK PIPES. "Ev'ry day," Trip answers. "Good, then you've already come to the conclusion that without humanity, there's no one to combat these Golden Girls. Their Expanse will continue to grow, encompassing one system after another," T'Pol CRACK PIPES on. Trip makes a face like he hasn't actually considered that. Why am I not surprised? "Your world is no longer the only one in jeopardy," T'Pol finishes. Okay, I have some problems with that idea. First of all, the "without humanity" part? Is bullshit, as will be proven when Shran shows up and takes out the Xindi without even breaking a blue sweat. We also know that since the Vulcans, Andorians, Klingons and a bunch of other species they've run into in three years have been in space much longer, they have better ships and better weapons. How would this be only humanity's battle? Don't you think that once Earth was destroyed -- or hopefully before, but we're not seeing too many signs of that now, which is a rant I will get to later -- those OTHER species would scratch their antennae, cranial ridges, or what have you, and say, "Hmm, this doesn't look good for us"? Stop making the humans be the most important beings in all n dimensions! It's stupid and it doesn't make sense! T'Pol again gives Trip two hours and leaves.
Bridge. May-Rainy-Day-Woman-#35 is worried because with the sphere's cloaking barrier, they shouldn't be picking up anything on Sphere 41. However, they are picking up readings on something, and whatever's out there is getting bigger. He figures they could be anomalies, but they are clustered more tightly together than they've ever seen before.
Sickbay. Phlox has done some analysis for T'Pol, and determines that the Golden Girls are transforming the space around Sphere 41. "Not unlike the disturbance where we found the trans-dimensional being," Phlox adds. And though I'm still annoyed that -- as Sickbay seems to be very empty at this point -- it's clear he wasn't REALLY needed here and could have been tending Hoshi, I'll wager we got a lot more of Billingsly this way. Playing nursie to Hoshi would have been a very flat and uneventful role for him in this particular episode. T'Pol and Phlox discuss the ins and outs of getting near the sphere without killing the entire crew. Phlox says he can whip up a prescription that will keep them all conscious for twelve minutes, but there's nothing he can do to prevent the resulting ringworm. T'Pol CRACK WHORES that twelve minutes won't be enough time. Phlox encourages Trip and T'Pol to come up with a way to abbreviate their pulse plan so that twelve minutes is enough time.
Vortex. Degra's ship flies. We see an empty bed and pan over to find Hoshi wrapped in a blanket, staring blankly at the desk. Quantum pops in: "Any luck?" She doesn't respond. "Ensign?" Quantum prompts. In this case, I think it would be more appropriate to call her by her name, not her rank. Ass. Hoshi sighs that she doesn't feel very well, and creeps back to bed. She asks if Phlox can come down to see her. Quantum reminds her that they are on Degra's ship. Hoshi whimpers that she's not sure what she's supposed to be doing, and Quantum reminds her that she's supposed to be dealing with Degra's Le Chiffre Indéchiffrable so he can save the world. "I gave them the third code," Hoshi creels, "they wouldn't have been able to arm the weapon if I hadn't given them the third code!" Quantum reminds her and us that she was drugged. "Drugged"? That's a bit soft for what I think they actually did to her, but whatever, Mr. D. Nial. Hoshi cries that she should have fought harder. Quantum bites at himself before hauling Hoshi out of bed and quivering at her that she needs to finish what she's doing. He sits her down at the desk and tells her she's almost there. "We're going to board the Mega Maid -- try to overload the power systems, but we can't DO THAT until we can READ THESE SCHEMATICS!" Hoshi sits there before muttering that she tried to jump, but she wasn't fast enough. "You need to finish THIS!" Quantum shouts. Hoshi jumps up and pushes at Quantum, who backs up quickly, and she screams, "You got the three codes, so why don't you just kill me? Didn't you say you were going to kill me?!" Quantum grabs at the flailing Hoshi and tells her she's gotta pull herself together just for a little bit longer. Hoshi stares at him. Quantum sits her back down and tells her she needs to complete the Vigènere cipher. Hoshi's eyes wander away. Quantum grabs her face between his hands and whispers, "Everything depends on it -- do you understand?" Yeah, they're getting together season. "I understand," Hoshi says, hypnotized by his furrows. Quantum nods. I just had this flash of Audrey Hepburn running a finger along Quantum's furrows, asking, "How do you shave in there?"
Snake Eyes and Mega Maid Swiffer through space. Dolum finds out that when they leave the vortex, they will still be two million kilometers from Earth. "'Two million'?" he repeats incredulously. Well, if you'd taken Interspace 90 and exited on Vortex 5, you wouldn't have to go through downtown and deal with all the cross-dimensional traffic. A snakeling reminds Dolum -- and tells us for the first time -- that if they had all five codes, they'd be able to start the firing sequence immediately. As it is, they'll need additional time. Let me see if I've got this straight: five codes gets you "Fire now!" but three gets you "Fire in a bit"? Some security system. Snakeling reminds Dolum that they'd be vulnerable if they dropped into space closer to Earth. Vulnerable to what? From what we end up witnessing, Earth doesn't seem to be mounting much of a defense. They sent Quantum off to make sure Earth isn't destroyed, and then they pretty much forgot about the whole thing. Dolum orders Lt. Snakeling to get the weapon ready to fire as quickly as possible, and stalks off. Snakeling glares at Dolum's retreating back, comforted by the knowledge that this will make another nice little chapter for his tell-all book: Dolum Dearest: The Snakeling Diaries.
May-Rainy-Day-Woman-#35 enters and asks Trip if he wanted to see him. "I think I've found a way to boost the deflector pulse without tearin' the ship apart, but it's gonna mean transfering all impulse power to the array," Trip says. "Whin?" Mayweather Dohertys. "Soon as we reach the sphere," Trip tells him. May-Rainy-Day-Woman-#35 protests. Trip apologizes and says he's going to have to get them there on thrusters only. "That's tying my hands -- especially with the ticking clock," May-Rainy-Day-Woman-#35 complains. Trip tells him he can do it, and tells him to look over some schematics of the sphere.
Degra's ship. They can't beam directly onto Mega Maid's control platform because it's heavily guarded. Reed points out on a diagram where they will beam in and out. Mr. Man wonders aloud what they will do if they have to beam over to Mega Maid before Hoshi's done with the Cryptoquip. Quantum stalks around a bit before he admits that he's taking Hoshi with them. Reed doth protesteth with mighty mein. "She's been there, Malcolm, that's where she decrypted the third launch code," Quantum interrupts. So he thinks that being in a familiar place will jog her memory? More like freak her the fuck out! Reed continues to protest, but Quantum lays down the law. He tells Reed that his team will beam in right before him and Hoshi and secure the closest route to the platform. Three-Toed wants to know how they can be sure to get out in time after they overload Mega Maid's power source. "I'll give everyone a chance to reach the outer framework," Quantum says and turns to Reed: "You will be in charge of helping Hoshi." "And you, sir?" Reed asks. Quantum stands up and bluffs, "I have no plans of dying on that weapon, Malcolm." He hands over an e-pad and tells them he's going to check on Hoshi. He walks out the door...
...right into Daniels' world. Ugh -- I hate this Michelin Man freak! There's a gauzily curtained window on one side and a big metal auditorium on the other. It's clear that Quantum and Daniels are standing on a balcony above some red-carpeted proceedings. "This is a very important day, Jonathan," Daniels says. Does anyone else get creeped out when Daniels uses Quantum's first name so familiarly? It's got that "Claaariiiice" ring to it. Quantum tells him he doesn't have time for this. Of course you do -- since you are out of your own time, you have all the time in the world. Presumably. Daniels promises that it will only take a minute; he points out someone on the platform below and asks if he can see the guy in the blue jacket. Since they're about a gadzillion miles away and the people are the size of midget ants, I'd give that one a big "no." Daniels says the guy in blue is Quantum "a little more than seven years from now." Now, would that "little more" be three seasons? He tells Quantum they're about to make history. I swear, Daniels is a freakin' broken record and he needs to SHUT UP! Quantum wanders over to the railing, and Bakula flexes Quantum's butt in his uniform before we go to commercial break.
"Do you remember I told you about a Federation?" Daniels asks. Shut up, Daniels. "What about it?" Quantum asks, tearing his gaze away from Ant Quantum. "I work with some people who are going to be pretty angry at me for telling you this, but you are going to be an integral part in forming that Federation," Daniels natters on. Shut up, Daniels. He goes on that Quantum is down there right now with Vulcans, Andorians, and Tellarites as they sign the charter for the Federation. Well, they pretty much had to get all the Founding Aliens right if they didn't want a mighty cry to rise up from the hills and valleys of Fandom. Although, considering the ratings, it would have been more like a whimper. Daniels, who is wearing more eyeliner than is appropriate for his over-plucked eyebrows, says that the membership will grow to include hundreds of species. "A United Federation of Planets," Daniels finishes. Shut up, Daniels. Quantum says he's got other things on his mind. Daniels encourages Quantum to sacrifice Reed on the control platform because history can't afford to lose him. Shut up, Daniels. Quantum blusters. "It's essential that you be a part of this," Daniels insists. Shut up, Daniels. "Where. Are. We?" Quantum asks sort of pointlessly. "In. A. Painting," the Evil Dr. Mathra mimics. Daniels says, "Earth." Shut up, Daniels. "Seems to me it's just as essential that Earth be around for this too," Quantum points out. Daniels says that Reed and Hoshi can work together in dying for the cause, since they aren't crucial to the future of mankind: "You are." And that's where my hate for Daniels divided and then asexually reproduced itself until it reached exponential proportions. "My mission is to save Earth, not your [he tosses his head rather foppishly] Federation," Quantum counters. "You can't ignore your place in history," Daniels insists. First of all, shut up, Daniels. Secondly, you've already told him that in oh so MANY episodes that you've now become the time-traveler who cried, "Destiny!" Thirdly, most of us DO ignore our "place in history" because we're NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT IT! Fourthly, where have you been up to now when all the other crap with the Mega Maid was happening? And finally, SHUT UP, DANIELS! Quantum pretty much covers all that when he says his place is on Mega Maid's control platform: "Now getmethehellbacktoDegra'sship!" Daniels glares. Shut up, Daniels.
Enterprise. Sickbay. Phlox composes an audio letter asking a friend to dispense with various articles of his property. T'Pol walks in and wonders what he's doing. Phlox cheerfully explains that Dr. Lucas offered to make sure his affairs were in order in the event of them not being on the "success" side of successful. "I've always found it distracting to think of death especially when entering a dangerous situation," T'Pol says. Honey, they way you've been written, you find it distracting just to breathe around those implants. Phlox bobbles his head happily and says, "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst!" and goes on that Denobulans really like to make out their wills. Is there anything Denobulans don't like? T'Pol reminds him that they aren't dead yet. May-Rainy-Day-Woman-#35 comms that they are approaching Sphere 41. "Take us out of warp," T'Pol CRACK WHORES. Fiddling with the prescription he gave her to keep the crew alive, she turns to look at Phlox. "Hope for the best, Doctor," she says, and leaves.
Bridge. May-Rainy-Day-Woman-#35 reports that the anomaly cluster has grown. Phlox announces that he punched up his neuro-lyptic compound, but advises they stay in the anomaly for no more than fifteen minutes. As he says this, the camera randomly focuses in on the reaction of an extra. That was weird. T'Pol gives orders: Phlox to release the compound, Trip to charge the deflector, and May-Rainy-Day-Woman-#35 to set a course.
Degra's ship. Quantum logs that Hoshi has made some progress with The Gold-Bug. In Hoshi's room Quantum cryptobabbles about needing to find a certain sequence. Hoshi says she found the sequence, but de-Bob-and-Alice-ing it isn't going to be easy. "Wish I could tell you to take your time," Quantum says, and sits down. "First time you came to visit me in Brazil --" Hoshi starts. "Didn't stop raining for a week," Quantum butts in. Excuse me, but it is really such a good idea to interrupt someone who has just undergone severe neurological trauma? Aside from how completely rude it is, it's probably really easy for them to totally forget what they were saying in the first place. "I had a bug then too -- a tropical bacteria, not a reptilian parasite. I was sick as a dog but I wanted to make a good impression," Hoshi meanders. "When we get back home I'll see to it you get some R-and-R in Canada or Norway -- some place where there's not a tropical bug in sight," Quantum promises. "Or reptiles?" Hoshi asks, gazing up at him. "Or reptiles," Quantum promises, and leaves for the Bridge.
On the Bridge, Three-Toed tells him they are close enough to isolate Mega Maid's escorts' signatures. "The Insectoid ship is no longer with them," Mr. Man notes. Quantum wonders why they -- I guess he means Bug House -- would leave the vortex. Three-Toed has no idea, and says that all they know is that Dolum's is now the only ship escorting Mega Maid. Reed is relieved they have only one ship to contend with.
Enterprise flies into the cheese pizza anomaly, so we're now looking at the Bridge through a red lens. Enterprise looks for the sphere.
Dolum's ship prepares to drop out of the vortex and initiate Mega Maid's firing sequence. Snakeling reports that Degra's ship is less than twenty minutes behind them. Don't you find it singularly convenient that the Xindi use the exact same measure of time as us? Me too. Dolum learns that there are no other vessels around, but there is an unarmed space station.
Dolum's ship and Mega Maid leave the vortex. Dolum demands to see Earth. They get a teeny tiny visual onscreen. "En-laaaarge," Dolum orders. Earth gets a little bigger. "It's a shame -- all that water, the Aquatics would feel at home here," Dolum notes. I have a really hard time trying to decide if he's being totally sincere or totally sarcastic. At any rate, I don't know how "at home" the Aquamen would feel in all that pollution.
Enterprise gets closer. The time-release on Phlox's meds ticks away. There's a lot of maintaining courses and standing bys, and in all of this, Trip notices the skin on his hand getting crackly. It's because he didn't use Palmolive.
Degra's ship drops out of the vortex. Quantum orders Reed to get his team ready. Mr. Man notices that Dolum's changing course and heading for a space station. Mr. Man calls up the space station onscreen, and Quantum notes, "Yosemite III." "A military installation?" Three-Toed asks. "A research post," Quantum informs him, "usually thirty to forty civilians aboard." He thinks of something and punches up stuff before ordering Mr. Man to hail the station on that frequency. They can't, because Mega Maid is emitting disruption waves. Even if they could be hailed, to what end? The civilians can't beam off the station to Earth, can they? I don't know, maybe they can. I just don't see what these people on Yosemite III could do to protect themselves.
Enterprise nears Sphere 41. T'Pol -- whose facial skin is now also cracking -- gives directions. "Doc?" Trip says. "There's something weird happening to my skin." "Me TOO!" May-Rainy-Day-Woman-#35 announces. Hee -- his delivery just tickled me -- it was so...exuberant. Phlox tells them it's expected, and orders them not to scratch at it. Dammit, Phlox, I'm supposed to say that! They have eleven minutes left.
Dolum's ship. Dolum says that the Golden Girls want them to destroy all human colonies in addition to Earth -- that harkens back to why they were pursuing everyone in "Twilight" -- so he thinks they should begin with Yosemite III. Dolum's ship fires at, and destroys, the outpost.
On Degra's ship, Quantum rushes to the viewscreen...as though he could stop it? See better? But then he stops suddenly, stricken, as the outpost explodes. He looks down and around at the floor, flexing almost every muscle in his face EXCEPT his brow! With the comparatively small amount of furrowing he does in this episode, I'm convinced Bakula had Novocaine injected into his brow prior to shooting. Three-Toed announces that Dolum's ship is going back to Mega Maid.
Enterprise. More directions, more adjustments. Trip finally begins firing at the target point on Sphere 41. The ship shakes. "Fish inna burrel," Trip says. Phlox says they have less than ten minutes left in their prescription. T'Pol sits down nervously. Because she's a CRACK WHORE.
Enterprise fires at Sphere 41. People with skin problems do stuff all over the ship. Dorothy and St. Spheridian muumuu onto Enterprise and start flinging balls of dimensions at people.
Dorothy and St. Spheridian screw with things. Trip freaks about their power failing by ten percent. May-Rainy-Day-Woman-#35 reports explosions on E Deck, but T'Pol can't get any news from Engineering. Trip shouts that he's losing the beam. Phlox announces that the Golden Girls are on the ship to play shuffleboard. May-Rainy-Day-Woman-#35 wonders how that's possible. Phlox figures that the area around Sphere 41 has been altered enough to sustain them, and that they got a group fare through Elder Travel.
Dolum's ship. Snakeling announces the approach of Degra's ship and reads off the manifest. Weird thing here -- Snakeling says that there are seven humans aboard Degra's ship. By our last count there was Quantum, Reed, Hoshi, and the three Uh-Ohs Reed selected for duty. That's six, right? So, who's the extra? Is Daniels a stowaway? Do his bio-signs even show up in scans? Is it important? Are the writers just really, really tired? Am I just really, really tired? "Have their weapons been upgraded?" Dolum asks. Snakeling answers in the negative. "Pa-thetic," Dolum sneers, and orders an intercept course. Dolum's an awesome baddie. Especially if he really did eat his grandson.
Degra's ship. Three-Toed announces that Dolum's ship is arming their torpedoes. Reed gains the bridge and tells Quantum Hoshi's doing okay; she and the Uh-Ohs are waiting at the transporter. "Remember, no heroics," Quantum tells the Good Xindi. "Just get us in and keep them off your ass." It's been quite a few seasons since we had the pleasure of Quantum saying "ass" like that. I mean, I know I call him that all the time, but there's something about Bakula's delivery that's quite singular. He's got a singular "ass." There's a beep-beep, and Three-Toed announces another ship approaching at high warp: "They're asking for you." Quantum turns around. "You're not using your head, Pinkskin," Shran says from the viewscreen. This is where I screamed, "YES!!" and starting pounding on the Evil Dr. Mathra's leg in excitement, because I was fortunate enough NOT to see his name in the opening credits and was therefore awesomely surprised. For his part, the Evil Dr. Mathra screamed, "SHRAN MCCAIN TO THE RESCUE JUST LIKE IF KERRY WAS SMART ENOUGH TO CHOOSE HIM AS A RUNNING MATE!" Shran McCain tells him his ship is no match for the Snake Eyes. "I'm busy, Shran, what are you doing here?" Quantum grouses gracelessly. Shran McCain says he anticipated that they would need some help.
Enterprise continues to fire at Sphere 41, and the Golden Girls continue to wreak havoc on Enterprise. Uh-Oh Kelly comms T'Pol that their weapons are ineffectual against the rampaging AARP members. Trip says, "Yew gotta stop this -- if I don't get full power back, this is going to take three, four minutes longer than I thought." Phlox reminds us it can't take that much longer, and orders Uh-Oh Kelly to modulate their weapons to a rotating frequency. Isn't that how they battled the Borg? T'Pol gets up and says, "Doctor," warningly. Shut up and let him talk, CRACK WHORE. Phlox confides that he had a lot of time to study Impetigo's physiology: "Let's hope my memory serves me well."
On his ship, Shran McCain says he'll be right in front of Degra's ship, and orders them to keep a low profile. "We're matching speed," Mr. Man calls.
Dolum's ship. Dolum bitches at Snakeling for saying there weren't any human vessels in the vicinity. "They're not human," Snakeling points out. Hee, way to throw the attitude. Dolum orders Snakeling to destroy them. Dolum's ship fires at the Andorians.
Shran McCain shouts that the third torpedo almost got Degra's ship, and orders them to be careful. They come about. Mr. Man says they'll need to get within a kilometer of the weapon. "Just stay below me," Shran McCain orders. His ship shakes. Shran McCain gets slowly to his feet. "Let's fight back this time, shall we?" Shran McCain says in a voice of calm rage. His antennae straighten themselves up. "Bring the forward cannons online," he orders. Shran's ship does a lot of firing at Dolum's ship. "Go!" Shran McCain bellows. "And tell Archer, we're not even any more -- he owes ME!" Shran punctuates that "ME!" with a smack to his chest. It really bothers me that the Vulcans are STILL being portrayed as blasé non-interferers at this point. Think about it: they've been in an arms race with the Andorians all these years, so their weapons have GOT to be kick-ass. Why the hell aren't they here?!
Degra's ship flies off to the now-unescorted Mega Maid.
On Mega Maid, snakelings do stuff. Suddenly, one of them looks up and sees Quantum standing there with Hoshi clinging to his arm. It's kind of horror-movie sudden. Silent with no visual cues -- they're just there. The three snakelings barely have time to react before Reed and his team of Uh-Ohs take them out. Quantum flips one over. Presumably to go through his pockets for loose change.
Enterprise continues to fire at Sphere 41. "It's comin' back -- tell them to keep doin' what they're doin'!" Trip shrieks, referring to the power. Uh-Ohs fire at the Golden Girls, who pass through bulkheads after grinning at them. Yes, yes, we all know you use Polident, no need to brag. Phlox tells Trip it's time to "work [his] magic or everyone on the ship is going to start dying." "No pressure," Trip and I say together. Trip does stuff.
Mega Maid. Directed by Hoshi, Quantum starts twisting fluorescent light cylinders in a certain order. They turn red. Snakelings shoot. Hoshi whimpers, crawls, and shouts out, "I'm all right!" Way to tip your hand to the Snake Eyes, Hoshi! If they thought you were dead, they'd probably stop firing. Hoshi continues to advise Quantum in tremulous tones.
When a snakeling reports that the humans are no longer on Degra's ship, Dolum suddenly realizes that the Good Xindi and the Andorians are intentionally drawing them away from the weapon and orders his snakelings to get them back to Mega Maid. Wouldn't the snakelings on Mega Maid have commed to tell them they were being ambushed?
Enterprise. The Golden Girls walk through walls and fist vital ship functions. The ship shakes. Trip is frazzled. Phlox tells him to ignore it, since he only has two more minutes. Trip uses the Vulcan Viewer. I hope he's going to wipe it down when he's done, because that skin thing is just...eech.
Mega Maid. Quantum says, "Got it! Two to go!" Hoshi looks apprehensively over at some snakelings shooting and walking right for them. The two snakelings are taken down by an Uh-Oh from an upper catwalk. One snakeling falls into Mega Maid's bellybutton with a very human "Ahhhh!" A gun is put to the Uh-Oh's head. Wow -- that Uh-Oh is so very young! And cute! The Young and Cute Uh-Oh makes a "Dammit!" face and lays down his weapon. He puts his hands up and rises to his feet. But then! He turns and grabs the snakeling's gun! They punch each other a bit and fall off the walkway to a walkway below. There's a familiar slap-pop, and we see that the snakeling has plunged his kwalta blade into the Dead and Cute Uh-Oh's stomach. Yes, I know a kwalta blade is a HUGE sword, just don't email me, okay? The Dead and Cute Uh-Oh looks up at the snakeling, who pushes him over the side for good measure. Aw -- bye, Dead and Cute. The snakeling grabs a gun and whips around to fire at Hoshi. Hoshi gulps and drops her copy of The Magic of Numbers as she ducks for cover. The e-pad falls into Mega Maid's bellybutton. If you have really good eyes, you can see that the book falls open to the page where the two Harvard professor authors thank the Evil Dr. Mathra for being brilliant. There's another shot fired, and it's not until now that Quantum thinks to call, "Hoshi?" She doesn't answer. Quantum pulls himself out of the fluorescent light area and dodges phaser fire. He crab-walks to Hoshi's side. The snakeling approaches them until two legs swing down from above and knock the snakeling square in his chest. Reed drops down to strike a pose before kicking the snakeling off the walkway and down into Mega Maid's bellybutton. This is about where I pulled a muscle pumping my arm in the air and screaming, "YES!" Especially because Keating's got SUCH an AWESOME facial expression here. I think Reed just might be my boyfriend again. Reed comms Quantum that he's pretty sure that was the last of the snakelings. "Good work," Quantum props. "Now get back here!" Can I take it as a shout-out that the sheer depletion of furrows in this episode is automatically going to make me give it a higher grade?
Enterprise continues to fire at Sphere 41. "T'Pol! T'Poool!" Phlox bawls warningly. "All right!" T'Pol freaks, and tells May-Rainy-Day-Woman-#12 to get them out of there. Trip pleads them to wait a minute since he's almost there. "You don't HAVE a minute, Commander!" Phlox growls. "Then give me ten seconds, I'm telling you, I've got it!" Trip shouts, still looking into the Vulcan Viewfinder. Elsewhere on the ship, the Golden Girls continue to fist the ship. "That's it -- time's up!" Phlox growls again. "It shore is," Trip says, and pushes a button. Sphere 41 starts to collapse. It slowly shrivels up like a crushed ball of tin foil. "Now, Mr. Mayweather!" T'Pol calls. Again, there's that "Mister." Enterprise takes off. Sphere 41 continues to shrink down to nothing until it implodes and sends a lightning bolt of energy out. The bolt zaps on over to another sphere and crushes it until it sends another bolt to another sphere. The effects are awesome. I firmly believe that implosion is the new explosion for special effects. On Enterprise the Golden Girls experience hot flashes, but quiver out of the dimension before they can take their Estrovent. T'Pol reports that the network of spheres is being destroyed. "Looks like were getting out of this soup faster than we thought!" May-Cloudy-with-a-Chance-of-Meatballs announces. The lens on the ship is no longer red. Phlox smiles. By the way, Phlox's skin has looked completely normal throughout this whole ordeal.
Mega Maid. Hoshi gives Quantum some final directions. From memory, it would seem. Reed wonders if it's enough just to knock the power out of the weapon. "We didn't come here to disable this weapon -- we're here to destroy it," Quantum tells him, and orders him to hand over the charges. Reed doesn't want to. Instead of answering, Quantum helps Hoshi up and says he wants the four of them at the outer framework so they can beam back to Degra's ship. "As Chief Tactical Officer," Reed begins. Quantum tells him it isn't open for debate. Reed hands over the charges and, reluctantly, the detonator. Reed just likes to blow things up -- that's why he wants to stay. Reed, Hoshi, and the two remaining Uh-Ohs start to move off. Hoshi turns around to look at Quantum. "Don't worry, I'll be right behind you," Quantum promises. Hoshi and Reed clearly don't believe him, but they leave anyway.
Mega Maid continues to zoom toward Earth with Dolum's, Shran's, and Degra's ships following. Why hasn't Shran taken Dolum's ship out yet? We know he can, since he does it later, so what exactly is he waiting for at this point?
Quantum puts a few charges on important places and detonates them. He then does some more things with the fluorescent light tubes. A warning goes off. Suddenly, we see Dolum crouching behind him. Dolum wrenches the phaser out of Quantum's hand and bellows, "What have you DONE?!" He easily yanks Quantum out of the pit with one arm. Wow. He's strong. They fight. Dolum heaves Quantum towards Mega Maid's bellybutton but, like Luke, Quantum grabs onto some rungs and dangles. Mega Maid rumbles, knocking Dolum off his feet so Quantum has a chance to climb back up. Dolum jumps into the pit to repair some of Quantum's damage. I don't know what he could really do, being that he's one of those bosses who probably can't even operate the fax machine by himself. Quantum kicks at him. Dolum, tired of this game, grabs Quantum's foot. There's a pause before Dolum basically spins Quantum like an old-fashioned doorbell. Cool effect, but I think Quantum would have popped his knee (or leg) out of its socket in that move. Quantum falls back on a dead snakeling and grave-robs his gun. Dolum gets out of the pit and knocks the gun away. They fight.
Shran's ship. An Andorian notes that a Snake Eyes transported over to Mega Maid. You know, from what we've seen of Dolum's micro-managing, it really doesn't seem like him to go over to Mega Maid alone. I figured he'd have sent snakelings on ahead of his exalted and tanned presence, or at the very least beamed over with a team. "Well, let's make sure he has nowhere to go back to. They have no shielding on their starboard engines -- target all weapons!" Shran orders. The Andorian ship knocks the hell out of the Snake Eyes. Finally.
Degra's ship. Reed breathlessly asks if they can get a lock on Quantum. They can't -- he's too deep in Mega Maid's bowels.
Mega Maid. Explosions start. Dolum tries to push Quantum off a walkway. He even grabs Quantum by the hair, so Quantum grabs Dolum by the back of the head to get even. It's kind of weird looking and vastly ineffectual. Dude, the eyes! Go for the eyes! And then, when you run away, you have to run in a zig-zag! At one point, Quantum grasps Dolum's face to his chest -- like he's trying to breast-feed him. Unfortunately, Quantum doesn't say, "I suckled this serpent -- I gave it life!" and then drag Dolum into his palace and murder him. Instead he decides to bang Dolum's head on a pole, then punch Dolum slightly so he can get out from under him. As Quantum tries to run off, Dolum slashes him across his back, using only the weapon of the scales on his own arm, and manages to cut a large wound. Time to think about French tips, Dolum. Dolum pulls out a gun. Mega Maid stuff explodes. Quantum trips Dolum and tackles him on his back. He then runs off and turns to face Dolum as Dolum stands up. Dolum seems a bit disconcerted that Quantum is just standing there looking at him. Quantum holds up the detonator and pushes a button. It flashes a blue light. Aw, HELL YEAH! Dolum looks over his shoulder through the scoliosis brace he's got on over his uniform, and grabs at the charge planted there. He glares at Quantum, who gives him A Look before twisting behind a column. Dolum explodes. Quantum comes out from behind the blood-spattered column and looks dispassionately on the Dolum pieces. Mega Maid continues to explode. Quantum moves off, still looking at Dolum's remains with quiet closure. In slo-mo, he runs across a walkway as stuff sparks and explodes behind him. It's a pretty awesome scene, even if I did see it in the previews. The walkway is being destroyed as he runs.
From outer space, we see Mega Maid blow up with incredible effects.
Enterprise. T'Pol enters her Acting CRACK WHORE'S starlog on February 14, 2152 and says they are holding their position at the rendezvous, but there's been no word from Degra's ship. I'm thinking there's been no word since T'Pol seems to be writing in her log TWO YEARS IN THE PAST! In "Countdown" -- a mere week ago, mind you -- Quantum entered a log on February 13, 2154. Which do you think is addling T'Pol's brain more, that she's a CRACK WHORE, or that it's Valentine's Day and she's worried Trip won't give her a "U R Logical" candy heart?
Stella Cartography. T'Pol tells Trip that long-range scans are showing no evidence of the spheres, and all spatial anomalies in their scanning range have vanished. "What about the thermobaric cloud barrier?" Trip asks. T'Pol says that too has been dissipating. "Looks like we kept our end of the bargain," Trip sighs. T'Pol comments that the Expanse seems to be returning to normal space. "We shoulda hurd somethin' by now -- what if they failed? Earth could be --" Trip says, pacing a bit. T'Pol grips his shoulder. Oh, boy, here we go again -- this is going to be another "rough patch" we're going to hear until Kingdom Come that she helped him through, isn't it? Trip looks down at T'Pol's hand, but since it has a "rough patch" of its own on it, it's more like he's all, "Ew! Don't touch me with that hand!" T'Pol pleads with him to be patient. Trip relaxes and sighs. And looks at her hand again. Because it's still there. And he's still grossed out. Trip comments that his skin is healing faster than hers. He takes her hand and examines it: "I guess you Vulcans aren't so tough after all." "Doctor Phlox says we should all be back to normal in two to three days," T'Pol CRACK WHORES. "I'm only kidding," Trip assures her gently. He looks at her hand again: "Yew look nice lak this." He waves his hand to encompass her face in his statement. "Kinda lak an old oil paintin'." I could not stifle the "AWWWW" that forced its way out of my throat. The cats took cover, expecting more unlooked-for sentiment. Trip walks over to the controls while T'Pol stands there, stunned. She keeps her hand in the same position it was in when Trip was holding it and stares at it. "I'm not old," she quavers. "I will only be sixty-six years old on my birthday." She continues to examine her hand as Trip gets all gimlet-eyed. "I can't believe you tol' me that," he says. "You accused me of looking old," T'Pol CRACK WHORES defensively. "That's not what I'm talkin' about -- I've bin tryin' to git yew to tell me yer age since we lef spacedock," Trip explains. "Why now?" Okay, ONCE! You tried ONCE to discover her age! T'Pol mutters something about age-telling being intimate. "Innamint? Hmm," Trip ponders. May-Rainy-Day-Woman-#12 comms that a vortex just opened for Degra's ship.
Bridge. They can't get through to Degra's on the transmission. It's all garbled. Trip keeps calling out to Quantum. T'Pol orders an intercept course.
Degra's ship docks with Enterprise.
Trip and T'Pol arrive at the airlock and hasten to get the doors open. Hoshi is the first person we see, but she's slumped way back against the back door. Reed walks out ahead of her, with his two Uh-Ohs directly behind him. "It's done," Reed says simply, stepping onto the ship. "Done?" T'Pol repeats. "Captain Quantum destroyed the weapon," Reed says wearily. "Where is he? Is he okay?" Trip asks. Trip and T'Pol peer into the airlock. Hoshi walks out, looking like microwaved death. "Captain didn't make it, Trip," Reed whispers. Trip looks like he's about to hit Reed: "Whattaya meen he dinnit make it?" Reed tells them that Mega Maid exploded before Quantum could make it to Degra's ship. Trip and T'Pol look stunned. Hoshi wraps herself around Trip in sad and weary hug. AWWWWW! The cats are still hiding. T'Pol stares at the ground, wondering when she can move her candles into the Ready Room.
An Aquamen ship swallows up Enterprise. T'Pol rents out Quantum's WOTWW. Mr. Man bing-bongs in and tells her the Aquamen will have them home in less than a day. Do they use an Aquanet? T'Pol tells him that she was pleased to hear that the Xindi of the Round Table has reassembled. "It was difficult for the Insectoids to ignore recent events," Mr. Man tells her. "And the Reptilians?" T'Pol asks. "They will join again eventually," Mr. Man says, "They have no choice but to accept that the Golden Girls' promises were empty." T'Pol turns away slightly. Mr. Man assures her that Quantum's sacrifice will not be forgotten, and wishes them a safe journey. T'Pol looks up to thank him. Mr. Man leaves.
Sickbay. Phlox assures his screeching and shuddering cages, "It's all right! It's all right! It won't be much longer, I promise!" I love his shuddering cages -- they remind me of how Hunca Munca freaks when you try to hold him. T'Pol enters and asks if everything is okay. Phlox says his Creature Shop senses that they are traveling in a foreign fashion: "In the belly of the beast, so to speak." Heh, Jonah and that whale -- never fails to crack-a-diddly-doo me up. Since there are no windows in Sickbay, T'Pol wonders how they can know. Phlox has no idea, but doubts he'll get much peace and quiet until they are under their own power. "It'll only be a few more hours," T'Pol says. Phlox asks what he can do for her. T'Pol pulls up a sleeve and shows the portion of her skin that hasn't healed yet. Phlox assures her she'll be fine: "Vulcans are obviously more sensitive to the...mysterious realms." "Iguesswe'renotsotoughafterall," T'Pol stilts. She's repeating her boyfriend's words, you understand. See, that's the sign that you're really into your sig other -- when you start to quote them, especially as it pertains to you. "Excuse me?" Phlox asks. T'Pol changes the subject, and asks if she needs anything to treat it. "Only time," Phlox says, and inquires after the ship's morale. T'Pol says it isn't easy to lose a captain. Phlox supposes they will all need time to heal, and continues feeding his creatures. T'Pol gazes around Sickbay and looks in a corner: "Will he be okay?" she asks. Phlox follows her gaze as she walks over to a droopy Porthos on a pillow. "Not for a while," Phlox answers. Porthos raises his head at their approach. Aw, man! "He's lost his best friend," Phlox says, and crouches down, "but it's just a matter of time." T'Pol crouches as well. "He'll be fine again," Phlox finishes. "Did you hear that?" T'Pol asks Porthos, raising her chin at him, "The Doctor says you'll be fine." Porthos raises his head hopefully. "It's just a matter of time," T'Pol says, trying not to CRACK WHORE out her tears. She reaches hesitantly over and pets him. AWWWWWWWWWW! Hands down, the animals will get me every time.
I'm not that sad about Quantum's "death," because, well, I know he's not dead; however, I do feel sad about the crew's grief. I especially feel for T'Pol because, as she's come so far from despising him to respecting and actually liking Quantum, she potentially CRACK WHORES his "death" more than anyone else.
The Aquamen drop Enterprise off.
Bridge. They near Earth. Hoshi gains the Bridge, and T'Pol tells her she should be in her quarters. "With all due respect to Phlox, I wouldn't miss this for the world," Hoshi says. Kinda funny, since the world is exactly what she's about to see. T'Pol nods. Hoshi sits. "Mind if we take a look?" Trip asks. T'Pol nods, and they get the same sequence of Earth shots onscreen that Dolum had. They ooh and ahh over it and then try to contact Starfleet. They aren't getting a response. That's because Admiral Forrest is EVIL and he took the phone of the hook when he heard they were coming back. Nothing works on any of the other frequencies. May-Fog can't get through on any of the orbital platforms. They can't get through to the Lunar Colony. T'Pol orders Trip and May-Fog to take a sh'pod down to SF to ask Keckler what's wrong.
The sh'pod zooms down above the Bay. Aw, hi, Bay! "Looks pretty normal to me," May-Fog observes. "Then why the hell dunnit enny-won wanna talk to us?" Trip demands. May-Fog shakes his head. Trip tells him to land at the pad behind the Command Center. There's some beeping. "Finally!" May-Fog says. "We've got three vessels approaching." "'Bout time!" Trip says, and tries to contact them. There's a noise like someone knock-knock-knocking on sh'pod's door. It keeps coming. Trip and May-Fog are all, "The hell?" until May-Fog calls his attention to the windshield. Bullets from P-51s strafe them.
Lots of incoherent babble. A nurse in WWII nurse attire helps wounded on cots. Where's Phoebe? There's lots of German being sprechen here so we know they are bad guys. Or that there's something wrong with him, since we HAVE MEAT HERE IN ZEE BUILDING! MEEOOOFF! A nurse mutters something to a blood-spatterecht doctor. I think she orders two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebels, a Herman Goering, and three cold meat salads. Herr Doktor wanders. Right under a swastika. Oops. Officers from the set of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade -- We Promise come in and ask, Deutschly, where "he" is. Herr Doktor tells them to follow him, Deutsching that "he" was brought in yesterday and is badly burned. Yes, but see, a blow on the head like that is worth two in the bush. Herr Doktor brings an oil lap over to a cot and shows Quantum's face. Okay, the FUCK? Herr Doktor asks if they recognize the uniform. The camera pans past two Nazis, who have no reaction whatsoever. Another steps out of the darkness. Hitler? Himmler? Forrest? No, it's a grey-faced alien with red eyes. THE FUCK? I mean, "Oh, boy!"