Enterprise S03E26

FloorCam stares up at Picard as his log VOs that they are going to visit an unusually lovely planet in the Rubicun system. Picard logs that Riker went down to have sex -- ahem, "make contact" -- and is on his way back with his homemade porn videos. Picard sits in his seat and addresses Troi to him" "Riker says the life-forms are almost identical to us." "He sounded very enthusiastic --" Troi starts to say when she's interrupted by Dr. Beverly's thigh-length blue cardigan flapping into the room. Dr. Beverly apologizes. "The doctor has something very important to tell you, Captain," Troi smiles at Picard. Gee, can you tell that because you're an empath or because the Dancing Doctor came rampaging in with her Feria Red No. 1: The Doting Parent Shade a-flying? Dr. Beverly is very insistent on giving the crew shore leave since they've all been worked to death in recent missions. to Troi, we can see Wesley sitting on the Bridge. Now, when did they allow that? He's not an acting ensign yet, and what's with the brown sixteenth-century peasant attire? Speaking of horrible costuming mistakes, this was definitely a bad year for Deanna Troi. She's wearing that shiny black onesie with the wide twisted grey belt -- it looks itchy and dumpy. And then there's her hair: it's parted in the middle but then pulled back and twisted up in painfully complicated coils with a random necklace looped around the entire shellacked mess. She looks like a cone-headed genie that has temporarily misplaced her bottle.

Riker, Data, Geordi, and Yar storm the Bridge with happy smiles and remarkably cleared-up complexions. Riker waxes enthusiastic about the beauties of the planet. "Sounds wonderful for the children," Dr. Beverly butts in, her arms crossed. "The holodecks are marvelous of course, but there's nothing like open spaces and fresh air!" Shut up, Dr. Beverly -- no one's listening to you. Yar says that her report contains specifics on the laws and customs of the planet's inhabitants. "They're wild in some ways, actually puritanical in others," Geordi adds. "Neat as pins, ultra-lawful and they make love at the drop of a hat." Okay, I REALLY don't need to hear that from the face of Reading Rainbow. And "neat as pins" -- what did they do? Conduct a point-by-point inspection of their bedrooms? Ugh, forget I asked! "Any hat," Yar clarifies, and looks up at the ceiling. To retch is human, to purge divine. Then again, it's been what? Five episodes since she called Data a "jewel" for being "fully functional." "Riker's going to beam down with a few hats to drop," the Evil Dr. Mathra giggles from behind the couch. "Three berets, a Stetson, and maybe a fez."

Picard thinks there have to be some negatives to report. Riker insists there really aren't, but Data breaks in to say that they've found some weird technobabbly stuff going on off the starboard bow. They've got technical teams investigating. Picard decides to send Wesley down to the planet with another away team in order to assess whether it's the type of place where the children of the ship could have fun. As long as the children don't wear hats, I'm sure they'll be fine. Picard stares off into the viewscreen and anvils, "Let's just hope it's not too good to be true."

A blonde woman in the briefest of attires shows us her obvious disdain for underwear as she runs across a lawn. A likewise scantily-clad blond man and woman run by her in the opposite direction. Two others kneel in a garden and kiss. The Away Team beams down. Noting their arrival, two naked-ish people break away from their group and jog over to them. "Careful, sir!" Worf growls, putting his first-season forehead in front of Riker. Riker tells him to chill, as these are the "Edo" they met before. Man, let's see if I can do justice to the Edo f-ass-hions. The Evil Dr. Mathra describes them as "full-body diapers that have been pulled and stretched in an attempt to cover the whole body. Or mawashis. Or the result of Derek Zoolander trying to remove his underwear without taking off the rest of his clothes first." I'll be more boring about it. The men are bare-chested except for two strips of cloth more or less making an "x" on their chests. The x-strip is connected to their flappy short-shorts, which have slits running all the way up, and are pulled taut enough to show that no one really seems to have anything to show. And that this planet is well-stocked with Nair. The chicks look like they got out all their childhood pinafores, folded them up, and cut them into paper snowflakes. Everyone is blond, and the actresses who aren't natural blondes are treated to ashy wigs that were curled and treated until they reached the state of an octogenarian poodle.

"They certainly are...fit," Riker grins as he watches their welcome wagon trot over. "They certainly are!" Troi says meaningfully as she steps up to her ex-Imzadi with a glower. "Health and happiness!" Poodlehead sings out. "A pleasant day to you!" the male adds. Poodlehead is happy to see that Riker kept his promise of returning. She embraces him. Riker starts to introduce "Rivan" (Poodlehead) and "Liator" (now named Leotard) to the Away Team. He gets as far as "Counselor Troi" when Leotard stops him with a "Slowly, slowly" (is every line going to be sexual?!) as he steps forward to give Troi a full-on body greeting. Troi uncomfortably pats Leotard's bare shoulder with her Lee Press-On nails. Leotard moves on to Yar and says, "Nice to see you again." Yar puts her grinning face in his shoulder as they hug. "My pleasure," she breathes. Riker turns to Troi. "Counselor?" he asks. Troi analyzes: "Healthy sensuality, sir, I feel mainly friendship and, um...happiness." I'll bet that's not all she felt. Ew! Of course, that thought segues into Poodlehead breathing, "And I welcome this Huge One." She drapes herself on Worf. Well, at least everyone here has now all welcomed a huge one. Ew! EW! "Nice planet," Worf says through the hair of the dog.

Poodlehead turns to Wesley, who is looking confused and conflicted because on some level he realizes that his future lies with the sexually ambiguous Traveler. Poodlehead notes that he is a "young one" and admits that she doesn't know their customs regarding love. Must be interesting not to have statutory rape laws. "Uh, I guess...whatever you usually do," Wesley stammers out. Poodlehead hugs him quickly and smiles. Riker tells Leotard that they have many more who would like to come down and take in the local color and sights. Yep, everything I type is going to sound dirty. Leotard invites them to bring down whomever they like -- they have no capacity limit -- and suggests they go discuss it at their Council Chambers. "Shall we go there now, or remain and play?" Poodlehead wonders. "'Play'?" Riker repeats. Not in front of the child! "At love!" Poodlehead explains, looking surprised at his ignorance. "Unless you don't enjoy that!" That comment is a bit reminiscent of Dirty Feet Done Dirt Cheap saying, "What's the matter, don' you like girrrrls, Willyum?" Riker grins. "Perhaps you do," Poodlehead suggests to Worf. "And you," Leotard says, staring at Troi. Troi looks at her feet and grins. "Yes, I can see you do," Leotard says. Before the orgy can get into full swing, Wesley suggests that he should go on ahead. You know, I don't think he'd mind the orgy part so much, but I do think he'd object to naked Riker butt. Not to mention a naked Worf tearing up every woman in sight. I know I would. Poodlehead feels bad that Wesley can't join in, and suggests they go straight to the Council Chambers, where they will scrounge up some young people for him to play with. Wesley says he can't make any promises. "You don't have to," Leotard laughs. "Our rules are simple: no one has to do anything that is uncomfortable to them." Because if you do, you die. "Come!" Poodlehead says. "Our people will want to know you." In the biblical sense. Leotard worries that the Away Team can't run. "Kin't run?!" Wesley blusters. "Of course we kin run, kin't we, Commander?" I'd hope so, because if not, they'll execute you. Riker invites them to lead the way in their "custom" of running. They all take off. Troi is awkward in her high-heeled boots and tight onesie. "When in Rome, eh?" Riker asks Worf as they jog. "When in where, sir?" Worf growls. Right, he probably knows it as "When in Kronosopolis."

The Orgeous Interruptus jogs by other Edo, who greet them with "Good health to you!" I'm waiting for a Java Juice and sushi bar to pop up any moment now. Yar breathlessly comments that it's like an Eden. Star Trek Warning #1: If any strange planet looks, sounds, or tastes like an Eden, it's usually the opposite. The running party stops at a building. Poodlehead comments on Riker's good health and hugs him, saying, "I thought you might be out of breath." Is that her way of saying that he looks out of shape? Because that's not until the few seasons. Some kids run by, and Leotard stops them to make introductions to Wesley. The kids are wearing slightly more clothes than their adult counterparts -- I guess the older you get, the more you lose. Such is life: hair, skin tone, clothes. That's not to say the kids aren't dressed horrifically. The two boys are bare-chested and wearing slit shorts that have vee cuts in the front and back. The girl is just wearing Bermuda shorts connected to a fairly conservative top and no bra. Did I mention that all the Edo clothes are either white or very pale pink? "Well, hello! Join us!" one of the boys says in what I swear is Too Close for Comfort Monroe's voice. "Yes, please!" the chick says, drooling into her unsupported cleavage. Wesley runs off with them. The Edo lead the Away Team into the Council (Bed)Chambers.

Two beatifically smiling and "Nude, it's the new black" men play their instruments. No, not those! Well, yes, probably, but we don't see that. Edo dance and drink out of test tubes. As one couple passes, the guy totally grabs at his date's left dinner. Oh! There are even two women doing a love dance together, so never let it be said that TNG didn't make some attempts at showing homosexuality. Of course, one could argue that because we learn that the Edo are really screwed up, this is not a great example of gay love...but I don't really feeling like getting into that. Hey -- didn't they say that one of their rules was that no one should do anything that makes them uncomfortable? Because I'm seeing a lot of wedgies going on. A really huge greased-up man lies on a table while two women massage him. He's so lubed up and so thickly muscled that he looks like a giant plastic Malibu Ken doll on steroids. In fact, given that no other hEdo is as 'roid-ripped as this one, paired with the fact that his face is turned away, leads me to wonder if he's a mannequin. Or the governor of California. Leotard announces their new friends and invites them, "Please. Enjoy what we have." This calls more sex toys over to their sides. They all get led away. Or is that laid away?

Back on the Not Gettin' Any ship, Data with his first-season mullet reports on the weird glitch they've been examining. It turns out it's not a glitch or any other sensor malfunction. Geordi thinks that it's "a shadow...something." Well, as long as you're not vague about it, Mr. Engineer. Picard wants to take a look at this supposed object that's floating out there, but there's nothing to see. Data calls out over the comm, "Enterprise to object off our starboard bow: request that you identify yourself." Vague shapes and colors glow in space, and alarms on the ship go off. It looks like a partially materialized ship. They've tried contacting the thing, but Data couldn't understand the reply. Picard tells Geordi to "take a real look," and Geordi runs off. Some random Yellow Shirt on the Bridge reports that whatever is there seems to be only half there, and also is partially transparent. Like Wonder Woman's airplane!

In quarters somewhere, Geordi stares at the moving shapes. He comms Picard that it's something he's never seen before. "After complete spectral analysis, it's as if it's not really there," Geordi says. Yeah, I think we got that already, but thanks for the repeat, Visor Boy. I know it's been said so many times already but as this is my first TNG recap, I have to ask: what is UP with the '80s banana comb acting as Geordi's visor? I mean, was shopping at Claire's Boutique for props really the best they could do?

Bridge. Data finally translated the message coming from the ship to read "stand by," and the Yellow Shirt (if he was a Yellow Tail, he'd be an Aussie wine I could drink. And that WASN'T supposed to sound that way) from earlier announces that something's coming out of the ship. A little ball of light flies toward them. Good thing Troi's not on the ship. Otherwise she might need to grab her diaphragm. The ball of light -- more like a bubble now -- enters the ship and surprises people walking down the corridors.

Bridge. Yellow Shirt announces an intruder alert but says he can't figure out where. Data chimes in that they've been cut off from the Away Team. "Intruder relays do show something," Yellow Shirt adds. "Why has everything become a 'something' or a 'whatever'?" Picard asks irritably. "Because it's the first season and you don't have anything to say yet!" the Evil Dr. Mathra explains patiently. The bubble enters the Bridge from the floor. Data's androidic jaw drops. The bubble floats toward Picard and speaks. "STATE! YOUR! PURPOSE!" The camera shakes and everyone grabs at their ears and falls around. Dude, use your Inside Voice, Bubble Boy. Picard winces at Bubble Boy in confusion. Bubble Boy repeats himself in a normal volume voice, "State the purpose of what you have done." It's totally that same echoing booming voice they employed so many times on TOS. The long and the short of it is, Bubble Boy knows that they just came from colonizing a nearby planet, and he doesn't want them leaving lifeforms on the Edo planet. Furthermore, he doesn't want the Enterprise crew interfering with his "children below." Buddy, if anyone's doing any "interfering," it's really the other way around, and you should tell your "children" to stop being so horny. Bubble Boy floats toward Data and "looks" at him for a few moments. Data explains that somehow Bubble Boy is communicating with him and wants to know if he was constructed for information exchange. "If there is any way of finding out what is out there, Data..." Picard encourages him. Suddenly, Bubble Boy shrinks in size and heads towards Data's head. Data falls down with Bubble Boy perched on his forehead. I'd forgotten how much I hate the brightly lit set of TNG. I much prefer the dark moodiness of DS9 and Enterprise.

Back on the Planet of the Naked People, there's more running and more wedgies. Wesley and his group wedgies up. "Watch, I'll bet you can't do this!" one of the Edo boys says before vaulting into a handstand and walking on his hands, allowing his shorts to fall down. Wesley one-ups him with some poorly executed cartwheels. I was more impressed by Edo boy -- Wil Wheaton should've fired his stunt double. Edo girl giggles fakely and runs after Wesley. "I wanna do something too. With you," she says, taking his arms. The two Edo boys watch. Oh, so that's their game, is it? Wesley is all nervous. "It's something you can teach me, will you?" Edoette asks. Wesley, still nervous, says there are some games he doesn't know yet. Because those will come later when Ashley Judd guest stars. Edoette responds, "It's playing ball -- will you teach me?" "Is there grass in the infield?" the Evil Dr. Mathra wonders. Let me get this straight: this is a planet where everyone plays and works out, yet this chick -- who is always in the company of these two boys, one of whom has A BALL -- hasn't learned how to play ball yet? And also, how does she know that it's something Wesley can teach her? Unless she just means balling, and in that case, well...Wesley awkwardly explains that if they give him a bat, he can show them his favorite game. The Edo kids look at him blankly. "A bat?" Wesley repeats. "A stick...or a branch...about this long and this thick." So not touching that one. ["I think I just threw up a little in my mouth." -- Sars] Edoette announces they can get it in the gardens, and they all run off.

Back at the Council Bedchambers, Edo make out on stone benches. Riker grins through all the giggles and moans. He walks by some Edo sitting on step, who are putting their hands behind their backs, then bringing them forward and opening them up. Apparently, there's something quite funny about it. The hEdo looks up: "This will please you -- join us!" Are they all on drugs? Riker excuses himself and promises "another time." In the background two Edo lie on a couch and make out. "Joy and happiness!" a shEdo says, brushing by. "It certainly is," Riker grins. Ugh. Riker walks up to Worf and announces, "The good life, Worf!" "I am not concerned with pleasure, Commander, I am a warrior," Worf growls. "Even Klingons need love now and then," Riker cajoles. "For what we consider love, I would need a Klingon woman," Worf states. Yeah, I don't think the Edo would take to being bitten and smacked around in a traditional Klingon mating ritual. Although I'm willing to have Worf give it a try, because these freaks bug the hell outta me. "Well, what about plain old basic sex -- you must have some need for that," Riker demands. Getting a bit personal, aren't we? In fact, I think this whole conversation could be considered workplace Bad Touch Talk. Worf states that Earth females are too fragile for what he has in mind, so he'd have to restrain himself quite a bit. Riker grins, "Worf, if anyone else had said that, I'd suspect he was bragging." "Bragging, sir?" Worf wonders. Riker decides not to follow up, and comms the ship to check in. There's no response. Riker thinks they should get all their people together. "Including Wesley, the boy? He's outside somewhere," Worf says. Troi gets up from her Edo sandwich and asks what's up. When she hears they've lost contact, she insists it's nothing the Edo have done: "Their minds are so open." Yeah, that's one way of putting it. "Addled," "blank," and "stunted" are others. "Help me find Wes, he has wandered off," Riker snaps. Far be for me to defend the original Shut Up Wesley, but the kid didn't "wander off "-- you all sent him off to play with friends so you could go have your orgy.

Worf stomps over to Yar, who is just saying to Leotard, "That IS extraordinary." Yar tells Worf that the Edo have no crime whatsoever. No one breaks any laws. Leotard says that a long time ago "there was much disorder. But not now." He grins lobotomically. Yar persists that she hasn't seen any sign of law enforcement. Poodlehead says they have a few "Mediators" and they are only needed in one place each day. "The Punishment Zone -- an area that's selected for a period of time," Leotard explains. Still sounds like kinky sex games to me. Yar confirms that it's a completely random choice. "No one but our Mediators know what place or for how long. We're very proud of the wisdom of our ancestors," Leotard beams. "No one ever knows when or where a Zone will be --" "And so no one risks death," Poodlehead finishes. But they haven't explained what's not allowed to be done in the Punishment Zone. The music bangs, and Worf's eyes bug: "Death?" Wesley's gonna die! Wesley's gonna die! Yar wants more explanation, and Worf repeats Leotard's cheerfully explained rules: "Anyone who commits any crime in the Punishment Zone dies?" That shouldn't be a worry -- Leotard said earlier that their rules were just about no one doing anything that made them uncomfortable. Which leads me to think that a lot of those wedgied Edo should be getting executed soon. "The law is the law -- our peace is built on that," Leotard says. "Even a small thing such as the rule 'Keep off the grass'?" Yar wonders. "Well, then no one breaks that rule," Poodlehead giggles. "Who wants to risk execution?" She explains that there's always a white wall or fence to remind anyone of a forbidden area like that. Yar gets pissed and wonders who tells visitors of these laws. "We better find Wesley!" Worf says, and he and Yar run off. Leotard and Poodlehead look blankly at each other while carefully maintaining postures that show their bodies to the best advantage.

Across some green lawns, we see a greenhouse flanked by -- can you dig it? --WHITE FENCES! In the distance, Wesley plays running catch with the Edolings. They stop by a pond, and Edoette tells Wesley, "You're very clever at this." Man, these Edo are really dumb as rocks, aren't they? Still looking for that hat (any hat) to drop, Wesley decides to show off and tells MonroEdo to throw the ball ahead of him. MonroEdo flings the ball at the off-limits greenhouses. Wesley runs. "No, Wes!" Edoette screams. "No, it's forbidden to disturb new plants!" MonroEdo calls. Wesley doesn't hear and crashes right through the greenhouse and into the tissue paper flowers. He looks confused. Like, "Where'd this greenhouse I was running straight towards come from all of a sudden?" The Edo freak, but Wesley assures them that he isn't hurt. First of all, shut up, Wesley. Secondly, I think that, lethal injections aside, the Edo would be a lot more concerned that you just destroyed a greenhouse with your oafishness rather than whether you got some cuts and scrapes. Finally, SHUP UP, WESLEY! "Couldn't you see the fence? It's for new plants -- don't ever go past the white marker," MonroEdo whines. "It's okay," Wesley says stepping over the white marker, "I'm fine." He doesn't even appreciate that he did ANY-thing wrong -- no apologies, nothing. I can't believe it! This one time I was eating dinner at my friend Cassie's house, and I dropped my water glass. I felt so bad. Sure, it was a cheap McDonald's Star Wars giveaway glass, but still, it was a long time before I could go back to her house. I was sure her parents hated me. And I was EIGHT when I had those sensibilities! "Oh, no," Edoette says, looking off in the distance and starting to cry, "oh PLEASE no!" Two burlier hEdo in slightly modified outfits jog over. They both stop suddenly, and one says, "Speak the truth -- we are Mediators." "I said I was fine," Wesley insists. DUDE, THEY DON'T CARE, ESPECIALLY SINCE THEY'RE GONNA KILL YOU! Edoette cries that Wesley's from another planet and didn't know the rules. A Mediator looks at her seriously and says, "That is sad. But this Zone has been selected." MonroEdo insists again that Wesley is just dim. "It's always sad," the other Mediator says, seeming to be a bit late on the uptake, "but now doubly so."

The Evil Dr. Mathra: So, do they have an edict on this planet about how you should carry scissors? Because, given that they have to run everywhere, they're kind of screwed when it comes to transporting scissors anywhere.
Keckler: Maybe they have a big room -- they call it The Scissors Room -- and all cutting must be done there. You want to open a CD case or make a Valentine? You go to The Scissors Room.

Troi and Riker run up. But not with scissors. Wesley explains what happened. "I'm really sorry," he tells the Edo. God, finally! The Mediators are surprised that it admits his crime so freely. Wesley gets this horribly serious look on his face and stilts out, "I'm with Starfleet. We don't lie." Oh. Oh, that is just so many colors of badd! The face, the tone, the SCRIPT! Ironic, isn't it, when he tells that whopper of a lie at the Academy after a fellow pilot dies? Where was your Starfleet pride then, Wesley? Then again, it was the second to last episode he ever appeared in, so the writing was on the wall. The Wall of Lies. Which, ironically, is right door to The Scissors Room. I'm getting far too much enjoyment out of imagining a big warehouse full of different kinds of scissors -- Oxo Goodgrips, the blunt-tipped ones we used in kindergarten, and those gold ones my grandmother had that looked like a stork. There's even a few for the lefties out there. "Gee, thanks," the Evil Dr. Mathra snaps bitterly. Everyone exchanges apologies, including the Mediators, who add that they can stuff their sorries in a sack for all the good it's going to do Wesley.

Worf and Yar run up, with Yar yelling that the Edo have some "strange laws around here." You dropped the ball, Yar. It's your duty to know everything about the laws and stuff about a planet -- don't try to pass them off as "strange" just to cover your ass. Riker's of the same mind, and says so. "But they listed nothing of punishment," Yar argues. A Mediator wants to know if there were any witnesses to the crime. MonroEdo is quick to show that he won't be a hostile witness when he says, "But it was my fault -- I threw the ball." The Mediator rehashes that they have a transgression, an admission, and witnesses. He pulls a syringe from his belt and says it pains them deeply to do this. "Are you prepared for punishment?" the Mediator asks Wesley. "Punishment!?" Worf worfs. "If you MEAN what the OTHERS were TALKING about!" Riker wants a sum-up. He gets it. "Death of course," Syringe Mediator says. "Don't make it more difficult for the boy." The other Mediator moves to restrain Wesley, but Riker knocks him down as Worf and Yar whip out phasers. Syringe Mediator looks totally flummoxed. "Drop it now," Worf commands him. Still confused, Syringe Mediator drops it. For some reason it amuses me that we get the shot from the ground, where it's really obvious that Syringe Mediator bent his knees to drop the lethal injection. It's really not a natural move -- it seems so ballet-y. Yar picks up the syringe: "It's a kind of syringe." Nice one, Security Chief -- did you get fries with that brain? She's as useless as Deanna "I feel the visitors are hiding something" Troi. Riker belligerently confirms that the syringe has poison in it. "Well, of course it is completely painless -- the boy would have felt nothing. But look at him now. You've frightened him," Mediator says, all concerned for Wesley's well-being. "They were going to kill me?" Wesley finally catches on. "And if this Zone were still in effect, you'd all deserve death," Mediator (it doesn't matter which one) says. Why? What did Troi do? She didn't attack them or hold up a phaser. Oh, it must be that law against stealing clothes from the set of Clash of the Titans. In which case, the whole planet is pretty damn guilty. The Mediator bitches that he thought they had been announced as friends. "Is this how friends act?" he wonders meaningfully. Now he's gone and gotten his feelings hurt. I bet there's a law against that as well. Riker tries and fails to contact the ship.

Data is still communing with Bubble Boy as Dr. Beverly checks his vital signs. Finally, Bubble Boy zooms away, and Yar gets through with her urgent message. Riker comms that they may need his presence there, since there's an issue with "a member of [their] Away Team." He doesn't say which member but notes that they have an "unusual law" down there. Picard tells Dr. Beverly to look after Data while he beams down.

Planet of the Naked People. Picard walks into the Council Bedchamber. Troi tells him that the Edo are honest "almost to a fault" and that they have great pride in their ways. Picard meets with Leotard and Poodlehead while the other ShEdo and hEdo gather around. Wesley is being detained "in accord with the Prime Directive," Riker says. Leotard blathers about their laws that were handed down long ago and "the tranquility that [Picard] sees has been made possible by [their] laws." Picard looks around. He doesn't see tranquility, does he? He just sees a lot of horny people. Leotard and Poodlehead go on and on about their laws until Picard has to explain that humans outlawed capital punishment. There's a brief annoying discussion about whether humans believed it to be necessary before it was outlawed. Picard explains that they now have the technology to detect "the seeds of criminal behavior" and that execution is not considered a justifiable deterrent. "So, we are not yet as advanced as they are," Leotard says, looking around at his fellowEdo, "and since you are advanced in other ways, too, I suggest you use your superior powers to rescue the Wesley boy. We will record him as a convinced criminal out of our reach [I guess that means Wesley can never run for office on Planet of the Naked People] -- an advanced person who luckily escaped the barbarism of this backward little world." Dude, bitter much? I think Leotard's pretty tightly wound and he's going to crack when this is all over. He'll run completely amok -- double-parking, downloading music, and not covering his mouth when he sneezes. What a sad end to such an underendowed personage. Picard shakes his head and says, "We have a law called the Prime Directive --" Poodlehead interrupts him, "Riker has explained it to us." He has? What a goody-goody. And what a way to screw the crew. I really don't see how the Prime Directive even applies here, since it says they can't do anything to interfere with another species' development -- how does saving Wesley have anything to do with the Edo development? I mean, keeping him on the show interfered with my development, but we'll leave my personal demons out of it, shall we?

Leotard and Poodlehead decide to delay execution until sundown. "But we must act by sundown," Poodlehead insists. Because she can't get in the mood when there's someone hanging around on death row. Picard asks about the thing they saw circling the planet. He wonders if it's a vessel. "Have you any idea what it is? It's not entirely real. At least it's not completely solid," Picard tries to explain. There's a pause for reverence before Poodlehead asks, "Do you mean God?" Picard's not really sure it that actually is what he means, and asks how they would describe God. "As you just did -- as existing both here and another place also," Poodlehead says. No, see, that's not what he meant -- he meant it was like one of those machines in Unwrapped that makes Skittles and stuff. "But when God wants to show its power, it can make itself felt most fully," Leotard says, leading me to believe he's been on the receiving end of feeling that power. Most fully. Dr. Beverly comms that Data's awake and ready to talk. Picard looks over at Troi, who mouths, "Wesley." Picard signs off without telling Dr. Beverly anything about her son's death sentence, and tells Troi that he wants to tell Dr. Beverly personally. Picard confirms that not one hair will be hurt on Wesley's geeky little head until sundown. "You have our word," Leotard says bitterly. Picard asks if one of the Edo will accompany him. Poodlehead stands up quickly: "Of course. I'll go as a hostage for the boy's safety." She's far too eager to take that role on. Picard explains that's not what he meant -- he just wants someone to check out the Skittle Factory. Poodlehead seems disappointed. She totally wanted to play "hostage" with the blindfolds and handcuffs and everything. Picard tells the transporter room to beam three of them up. "I'm frightened," Poodlehead breathes. "There's no reason to be," Troi says, at her side. Honey, stop harshing her buzz! They beam up.

On Enterprise, Poodlehead is amazed at the size of the ship. I think size impresses her. Dr. Beverly dashes up and says she's just seen the Away Team's report about Wesley. "In a moment, Doctor," Picard says dismissively. "In a MOMENT?!" Dr. Beverly screeches. "In a moment," Picard repeats. I love Picard and all, but this was not one of his shining moments. He handled this whole thing really badly and was more interested in showing Poodlehead around than in giving Dr. Beverly any sort of assurance about her son's situation. Poodlehead doesn't understand why Picard doesn't use their obvious power just to take Wesley away. Picard tells her it's not that simple. Well, it will be by the end. God, this is such a stupid episode.

Speaking of God, Picard takes Poodlehead into a lounge and shows her the thing outside the window. No, not Shatner. Or the creature Lithgow saw. Poodlehead immediately bows to the Skittle Factory. I think she's tasting the rainbow. With her eyes closed, Poodlehead silently confirms that the Skittle Factory is God. She tells them she knows it's God because it has appeared to them before. As Picard asks if Poodlehead can speak to God, Troi shouts, "Captain!" The Skittle Factory has turned on some red Christmas lights -- probably those chili pepper ones -- and is heading toward the ship. "RETURN MY CHILD!" the Skittle Factory booms. Picard hurriedly transports Poodlehead back down to the planet. The Skittle Factory backs off. "It seems the Edo god is very protective of its children," Dr. Beverly says. Dr. Beverly, can you biopsy this lump? I think it might be an anvil. Picard blathers about being sorry that he frightened Poodlehead. Enough dwelling on that bad hair day -- move on with your duties as captain and friend to Dr. Beverly! But no. Instead, Picard thinks they should check on Data. In the corridor, Dr. Beverly turns shrill again on the subject of her son. "You saw what that thing was about to do!" Picard shoots back. "I apologize, sir, but this is very difficult for me," Dr. Beverly says, trying to control herself. Don't apologize -- captain or not, I'd have hit him by now. "If he were your son, you'd be as frightened as --" "But I am," Picard softly interrupts. Sigh. I love Patrick Stewart. He should've been Dumbledore. What? He could have worn heels -- no one would be able to tell under all those robes!

Sickbay. Data tells Picard what he learned from the Skittle Factory. They're not a single entity, and they know the Edo worship them as a god-thing. The Skittle Factory considers it expected and harmless at the Edo current stage of development. Well, of course they think that -- they're getting all the live sacrifices and free porn. Data explains that the Skittle Factory isn't exactly a ship and they are able to occupy several dimensions at once. Gasp! The Skittle Factory is The Golden Girls! That totally explains the Edo's bad perms. Data thinks it was bad for them to try to colonize so close to the Edo. He starts to go on about all the other places in the system until Picard interrupts him: "Data, don't babble!" This leads to Data babbling even more about how he doesn't babble but that maybe Picard questions the way in which Data chooses to organize his information. Picard interrupts him again and orders him to organize his information in brief sentences. "Do they accept our presence on this planet?" Picard asks. "Undecided, sir," Data says and looks away. Picard patiently pleads with Data to feel free to offer useful information as he sees fit. Data volunteers that they are now observing the humans out of curiosity. "I doubt they expect us to abide by their value systems," Data adds. "Do they know of our Prime Directive?" Picard wonders. "They know everything I know, sir," Data confirms.

Keckler: Oh! So, they know what Tasha Yar's like in bed?
The Evil Dr. Mathra: Pfft! They knew that already -- she's so easy, the Skittle Factory saw her give it up on her first visit down below.
Keckler: "Down below"?
The Evil Dr. Mathra: Ew.

Data and Picard discuss what the Skittle Factory would think if they violated their own Prime Directive. Dr. Beverly chokes on a sob. Data wonders what's going on. "The Edo want to execute my son -- I will not allow that to happen, Jean-Luc!" Ah, invoking first-name privileges -- well played, Doctor. "Most interesting, Captain, the emotion of motherhood is compared to all others felt by --" Data starts. "Shut UP!" Dr. Beverly shrieks and runs out of the room. Data turns back to Picard: "You were right, sir. I do tend to babble."

Picard recaps what's going on and says, "Whatever the object or vessel in orbit with us -- it hangs there like a nemesis."

The Evil Dr. Mathra: No, no -- it hangs there like an Insurrection.
Keckler: Hee, Ins-erection.
The Evil Dr. Mathra: You're gross.
Keckler: It's not me, it's this episode; it...does things to me.

Picard wonders if the Skittle Factory understands the same concept of reason as they do. Data enters the lounge to join Picard's brood. Data points out that although the Skittle Factory learned of the Prime Directive from his mind, there's no way to predict how they will evaluate it. Picard wonders if, by refusing to obey the Edo laws in allowing Wesley to be executed, he endangers the lives of over one thousand people on the ship. "Would you choose one life over one thousand, sir?" Data asks. "I refuse to let arithmetic decide questions like that," Picard states. Snap! Was that a dog on Spock and Vulcankind everywhere? Picard wonders why the Edo regard the Skittle Factory as their god. Data explains that it makes sense for a lesser people to look up to a higher power as godlike, "but when they were probing my thoughts, Captain --"

Keckler: Hee. Probing.
The Evil Dr. Mathra: [sigh]
Keckler: Sorry.

" -- I could feel that whatever they are now, they once existed in this dimension as we do -- perhaps in the same flesh and blood form. Since then however, they have evolved considerably -- their present existence in multi-dimensions no doubt has its advantages."

Keckler: Does that mean we're all going to be living in Skittle Factories one day?
The Evil Dr. Mathra: Dibs on being raspberry! Wait, does that make me gay?
Keckler: No, that would be grape.

Picard thinks that in flesh-and-blood form, the Skittles would have shared the same values, and Data points out that the Edo share those values. Data thinks it's possible the Skittle Factory planted the Edo on the planet just as the humans are doing. It makes me see the commercials in a whole new light, with the farmer who's growing a field of Skittles and the oceans that are made of them. And stuff. Dr. Beverly walks in -- clutching her hands together -- and says she's fulfilled her profession obligations regarding Data. "And you now request permission to beam down to the planet," Picard states. He tells her to accompany him while he tries to resolve the mess that Wesley created playing ball. "And you should know whatever the cost, I will not allow them to execute your son," Picard adds. Dr. Beverly heaves a bit and thanks him. Picard leaves Data in command. Dr. Beverly and Picard exit through a hallway that has a Trojan statue on a pedestal. You'd think with all the rocking and shaking the ship does, someone would figure out that it's not a good idea to have priceless artifacts hanging out on tall pedestals.

Planet of Naked People. Council Bedchambers. Riker orders Leotard to bring "the boy" to them "now." Yar accompanies Leotard to make sure he doesn't do any funny stuff. Or perhaps hoping that he does. They leave. Picard and Dr. Beverly beam down. Poodlehead runs over and bows to him, breathing that she saw him share the sky with God: "You must be gods." "No, no. We're not gods," Picard says, picking Poodlehead up off the ground. "Well, they're not, but I am -- in fact, you can just call me The Picard," the Evil Dr. Mathra British-accents. Wesley walks in with Yar, Leotard, and the two Mediators. "Mother," Wesley blands. Everyone gasps. Dr. Beverly takes a step forward and then steps back again. You know, the Mediators don't look as though they're partaking in enough fun -- one of them has quite the gut. There should be a law against that. Hey -- they're Paunch and Jon! Wesley wonders if Picard is going to let the Edo kill him. Picard assures him that they are not. "But I must find some way of preventing it that you understand," he tells the Edo. Paunch bitches that the humans threaten everything they respect. Do you think that because the Mediators are all busy with this current case, elsewhere the Edo are going nuts trashing the planet? You know? They're probably walking on the grass, not curbing their dogs, taking someone else's wet laundry out and leaving it on the counter, and doing a spot of jaywalking. In other words: COMPLETE AND UTTER ANARCHY!

The Mediators plead with Picard not to destroy their way of (sex) life: "At least study what we were without law." Only if you hand over the Cliffs Notes version, Paunch. Picard understands that their system might be a better one than what humans once had, "but we do now have a law and must obey and part of it says that I must protect my people from harm." We obviously don't have that law now. "We did not ask you to come here," Leotard snaps. Actually, you did ask Worf, Riker, Troi, and Yar all to come there. Ahem. As it were. Riker strides over with some comment to the effect that they have to obey Prime Directive as well. Dude, Riker TOTALLY wants Wesley to be executed! Hee. Picard explains that if he saves Wesley, he will be breaking that law. "And you should be executed," Paunch -- or maybe it's Jon -- says. "I might suffer almost as much," Picard nods, "Starfleet takes the Prime Directive very seriously." Wait, what? Is he serious or is he just blowing electrocution up their asses? "Suffer as much" -- the most he'd get is a discommendation, and given what happens throughout the various series, I doubt that they even bother with the paperwork anymore. "No," Paunch says, "God will punish you." Picard agrees that he's thought of that. "Sir?" Wesley asks. "Does that mean that if you save me, the entire crew might die?" "You're not involved in this decision, boy," Picard barks. "I'm sorry, sir, but it would seem that I am," Wesley bites back, all daring and holier-than-thou. Shut up, Wesley. time, keep your balls to yourself and you won't be dragging everyone into this mess. Think how different this episode would have been if the crime Wesley had committed was snapping Edoette's bra. I guess that would give new meaning to "cop a feel." Picard tells the transporter room to prepare to beam six of them up. He calls Wesley over. Mother and son embrace. Retch.

"Our laws have been violated -- what of justice?" Leotard demands. "What of justice to Wesley?" Yar demands right back. For that matter, what of Lazarus? Picard apologizes to Leotard and says he must have justice for his people, too. Did everyone get the name of this episode tattooed onto their asses? Good. Picard tries to beam up, but nothing happens. The transporter room doesn't know what's going on. "G-o-o-o-d has prevented your escape," Paunch trembles triumphantly. "Then your god is UNFAIR!" Dr. Beverly trembles. You tell 'em, Leech Lady. "My son had no warning that his act was criminal!" Paunch gives the whole "ignorance of the law is no defense" speechette, and Picard steps forward to yell at the Skittle Factory. It's this whole stupid speech that's only stupid because it actually works, so I'm going to have to transcribe it all. "I don't know how to communicate this, or even if it is possible, but the question of justice has concerned me greatly of late --"

"Of late"? Like in the last hour, or is he trying to say that he's been going to law school behind our backs? I'm not saying Picard isn't concerned with justice in a general way, but he's making it sound like he's had reason to be studying it long-term -- and not just in regards to the Edo -- like in the last few months or so. I don't know why it bothers me so much, and I'm not really getting my point across, but it may have something to do with the fact that the "of late" reminds me of "I have of late, but wherefore I know not, / lost all my mirth / And indeed, it goes so heavily with my disposition, / that this goodly frame the earth seems to me a sterile promontory" from Hamlet. It just sounds strange.

" -- and I say to any creature who may be listening: there can be no justice so long as laws are absolute. Even life itself is an exercise [cue The Violins of Enlightenment] in exceptions." "When has justice ever been as simple as a rule book?" Riker wonders randomly and stealing-the-limelightly. They beam out. Wow. I guess Picard really got through to them. Either that or they experienced the same phenomena I did when Quantum gave a weird and fictional speech about gazelles, and when the Skittles fell down under all that cheese, their heads hit the "release the annoying beings" button. "Seems the Edo Lord agrees with you, Number One," Picard comments as they sparkle out.

Enterprise. Everyone charges the Bridge and takes their places. Picard hails the Skittle Factory and asks them to give him a sign if they want them to remove their Earth colony from the nearby planet. The Skittle Factory disappears from view. Is that the signal? Geordi asks the same thing. Picard thinks it must be, but is sad because he was hoping for more interaction. But what does it mean? "Yes, remove your annoying beings from our air space," or "No, I'm disappearing so as not to appear threatening"? "I'm glad it's gone," Geordi says. He's obviously a Dots man. "Agreed, sir, short and sweet. Godlike efficiency," Riker adds. Picard broods a bit more and orders Riker to take them out of orbit.

I'll bet it's a long time before Wesley picks up another ball.