Stratagem

Man. I can't believe how good these episodes are this season! Okay, okay, this show still might not exactly be the Best Thing currently on television, but considering where they came from, they are getting damn good.

Degra -- the Xindi Formerly Known As "Mr. Man" -- wakes up on the floor of a vessel as it rocks from side to side. He looks out a window, sees stars, and demands "Who are you?" of the man in the cockpit. Quantum -- with a mass of hair that desperately needs the Infusium he believes in -- turns around from the pilot's seat only to say, "They're targeting our engines!" While Degra con-fusses about how he got there and what the granny-knotted man wants with him, we can see through a window that a ship fires at them. Quantum tells Degra to get the weapons online. When Degra dithers like a St. Mary Mead sleuth, Quantum throws him out of the way and does it himself. Degra looks out another window sees, more ships, and says, "Insectoids!" Quantum raises the shields and says they won't last for long. Degra wants him to open a channel to the ships, because they are his people, and he'll order them to hold their fire. "It's been a long time since any Xindi took orders from you!" Quantum tells him. Stuff blows in the ship. Quantum runs around, intent on venting plasma. Finally, Degra involves himself and helps vent the plasma. The other ships stop firing. "The plasma got into their intake manifolds; their engines are overheating," says Quantum. I giggled when he said "overheating" because he accompanies the word with a weird face that made me think of someone tearing the meat off sauce-sticky spareribs. Mmmm, spareribs. The level of detail on this ship is incredible -- all the alien screens and gadgetry with the graphics are really cool. Degra demands to know who Quantum is and why he abducted him. "You really don't remember," Quantum states. "I was afraid this would happen." Oh, he's totally Gaslighting him. , we're going to see Quantum rubbing his hands, chortling that jewels have a life of their own, and Degra's going to clutch his bosoms, screeching, "If I were not mad, I could have HELPED you. Whatever you had done, I could have PITIED and protected you. But because I am mad, I hate you. Because I am mad, I have betrayed you. And because I'm mad, I'm REJOICING in my heart, without a shred of pity, without a shred of regret, watching you go with glory in my heart!" And then Joseph Cotton will save the day in one of his few non-creepy roles, and Angela Lansbury will play a singing slut. Again. Damn, no one makes movies like that anymore.

"It's me -- Archer!" says Quantum. Degra wants to know what species Quantum is. Quantum tries to fob him off by saying Degra's been through a lot over the last few days. "What SPECIES?" Degra yells. Quantum gives him a steady look: "I'm human." Degra all but falls over his nappy hair in surprise as he realizes Quantum's from "the Earth vessel."

Okay, now wait a minute -- do you mean to tell me that after Hellena Handjob massaged X-Rays out of Quantum's body, the Xindi don't even know what he looks like? I'd think they'd have "America's Most Furrowed" posters up in every Bug House beauty parlour, Snake Eyes Starbucks, and Aquamen water treatment facility. Quantum pleads, "Degra, you have to listen to me -- I'm not your enemy anymore. You spent the last two days in an interrogation chamber; whatever the Insectoids did to you must have affected your memory!" And if there's a warm seat on the Aurora Chair in there, Degra's going to have a miniature Quantum running around his lobes for several seasons. He can name him Snufflefurrowgus. Incidentally, I never had an imaginary friend -- I didn't quite understand how they worked. Although, if I recall correctly, my little sister did have one named "Wulla." I think her name was supposed to be "Willa." She was a bumblebee who, after living with us for awhile, decided to stay at Long Lake in Michigan one summer. According to Nessa, we never saw her again. I think that's a good thing, because Minnesota winters don't generally work well with the bumblebee's constitution. Wait, neither do Michigan winters! Great, now I'm sad. Poor Wulla and her imaginary immune system. Well, THAT was quite a detour -- I'll Mapquest us back: Quantum, hair, (fake) shuttle, Degra, hair, prison love.

Quantum bounds forward and tells Degra that his name is Quantum, and that they just escaped from a Bug House jail. Degra can't believe they were in jail. "We've shared a cell for ALMOST THREE YEARS!" Did all those years mean nothing to you, Degra? Degra still doesn't believe it. Quantum tells him to roll up his sleeve. They compare forearm tattoos. One says "Quantum," encircled by a big heart and a drooping rose, and the other says "Aliens Do It Better" with lots of curlicues and flourishes. Quantum tells Degra that the conflict between the Xindi and the humans is over: "We both lost." But then they found each other -- Degra was looking for blood, Quantum was looking for companionship and they both got their wish. Would you believe I've never seen even one episode of seen Oz? Degra shoves Quantum's arm away. Aw, baby, why you gotta be like that? Quantum says, "I promise I'll explain everything." Over a cup of General Foods Interspecies Coffee that will remind them of that little caf in the shower room.

But before they can indulge, Quantum wants to get them out of there, in case the Bug Houses repair their engines. He casually mentions a system nearby in which they can hide. Degra goes to the window as the stars streak by to indicate warp-speed. He looks at his reflection, touches his hair self-consciously, and caresses his tattoo. Aw, don't worry about your coif, Degra, Quantum sees a deeper beauty within you.

Grasp the episode lightly by the tail and slowly, deliberately, and without damaging the flesh, skin off the theme song. You can toss it in the trash, but most chefs prefer to burn it because of the lingering stench. If you get a particularly young episode -- say less than three seasons old -- you can just use the theme song for compost because it won't smell up your kitchen nearly as much.

Degra still doesn't believe that his own people would imprison him. Quantum coughs out a chuckle, which pisses Degra off. "It's been a while since you referred to those overgrown grasshoppers as 'your people,'" Quantum says. You know, "overgrown grasshopper" is probably a racial slur in their world. Degra demands to know why he doesn't remember Quantum. Ignoring his supremely hurt feelings, Quantum tells Degra that bloodworms were used as a truth serum during the interrogations. He adds that in addition to four-hour erections, sweating, and nausea, another side effect is memory suppression. Quantum admits that the same thing happened to him: "I forgot everything since flight school." Home Slice, I gotta tell you, that's not necessarily a bad thing. He promises that Degra's memory will come back in a few days. And then Degra will give Quantum a single space rose for every day he couldn't remember how special Quantum was to him. Degra wonders why they were still questioning him if, as Quantum told him, he had been imprisoned for three years. "They wanted information about the weapon," Quantum tells him. "What kind of information?" Degra asks cautiously. Quantum sighs that it's going to take some time. Quantum explains that he was responsible for the failed weapon test, lo, those many years ago. Or lo, those many weeks ago, if you're already wise to the situation. And for some reason I was, but that's okay. Anyway, Continuity decides just to camp out in the bathroom for the rest of the episode rather than go on wetting his pants as Quantum explains that through Mr. Mugato, he tampered with the kemosabe. Degra grinds out that Mr. Mugato will be executed for that. "He was," Quantum says, looking at him. Degra looks up. Quantum says that it didn't matter, because a few weeks later the weapon was launched, and Earth was destroyed.

I think this is really where I knew that this whole thing was a charade, because they wouldn't have written the destruction of Earth into the story without treating us to a massive explosion. It actually would've been kind of cool if they had recycled that particular scene from "Twilight" in the previouslies (if there had been any tonight), because it could have tricked us into thinking that Earth blew up sending us back to "Twilight"'s timeline, where Quantum had a relapse or something.

Degra sits back and says, "We were successful." But he doesn't sound that happy about it. Dudes, it still really bothers me how unoriginal it is for the writers to take the Mr. Men Xindi, the Arboreal Xindi, and the Aquamen Xindi and make them out to be the most sympathetic of all the Xindi species. Bug and Snake = bad because they are "ugly" and "creepy." But ask yourself this: does that stop Donald Trump, Scottie Pippen, or Mena Suvari? Quantum snarks at the word "success," and tells Degra that after Earth was space dusted, the Xindis started in-fighting again. And we know Quantum knows that Xindis have this predilection because of what Mr. Mugato told him. Nice to know that episode was good for something other than an exercise in a sleep-apnea clinic. Quantum tells Degra that the Bug Houses attacked everyone and killed thousands. "The Reptilians and Aquatics would never allow that!" Degra said. "There wasn't a lot they could do," says Quantum. Seriously, how could the water-bound Aquamen exert any sort of force? It's not like we've seen any amphibiguity. Basically, Bug House could dance on the sand on their little, sharp legs and say, "Yeah? Well, make me!" and the Aquamen really couldn't. Although, they could splash water in their compound eyes. Regardless, if they were amphibious, they'd be called that instead of "Aquatics."

Quantum continues, saying that, while everyone else was caught up in the Weapon of Morass Destruction, the Bug House Xindi were secretly building new ships, and then used those ships to lord their armored wing casings over everyone else. Degra grabbles at his forearm and gasps. Quantum wonders if he's okay. Something squirms under Degra's skin. "That's just a bloodworm," Quantum consoles him. "It will work its way out." For the second time, I ask -- HOW will it "work its way out"? Because the only ways I can think of are either pretty gross or pretty Wrath of Khan. Like Reed, Degra doesn't like the sound of that, and asks Quantum if he can remove it. Quantum gives him a look and wordlessly gets a First Aid kit. He pulls out a serrated bread knife and tells Degra to hold still. He cuts Degra like he was nothing more than a rosemary-scented, olive-studded, lemon-zested loaf of sourdough from Noe Valley Bakery. There's fairly realistic-looking blood -- which is red, boringly enough -- and Quantum squeezes the incision between two fingers like it's a zit. Kudos -- I was thoroughly grossed out by this point, and it only got worse as Quantum slowly pulled the looong worm of Degra's arm. It wasn't tapeworm-long or anything, but, for some reason, I had imagined Regulan bloodworms to be the size of small slugs, so this was a bit ooky for me. With bloody fingers, Quantum puts the bloodworm in a glass cylinder while Degra stares at him in weird awe.

Let's talk citrus. Friday night, Dr. Mathra and I ventured to Berkeley Bowl, which has, like, fifty million different varieties of everything, but of citrus? In February? In California? They have fifty million and one. I came away with one of three possible kinds of Blood Oranges, Palestine Sweet Limes, Meyer Lemons, and regular lemons. Meyer Lemons are infinitely sweeter, almost orange in rindal hue, bigger, and generally more sought-after than any other lemon. You haven't heard of them, have you? Well, they taste like lemons crossed with tangerines, and they're awesome. I've known Palestine Sweet Limes to be Sweet Jerusalem Limes, but I guess they're being P.C. or something. After all, it is Berkeley. BB had regular limes as well -- I'm not sure if they are Rangepur Limes, which are supposed to be in season now -- but they were fucking HUGE! Dr. Mathra thought they were apples -- that's how monster they were. BB's produce department goes for miles and miles and there was stuff in bins, racks, and tubs I've never even heard of before. I also picked up some stalks of garlic. What's green garlic, you might ask? Well, it looks uncannily like scallions that injected fat from their lips into their ass, and they taste like a clove of garlic got a chive drunk on dirtinis and brought forth smelly progeny. They're yum. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do with all this stuff, but I have a confession to make: after I bought the blood oranges, I went for two filets of Pacific King Salmon. See, this cheesy Turning Leaf wine commercial got in my head and won't go away. It's the one where the guy is making his girl a surprise dinner on the terrace, and it looks like he makes a sauce for salmon out of blood oranges and other stuff. Turning Leaf wine is the nast, but I've been dying to reenact that commercial. Not the terrace and the cheese and the bad hair -- just the dish.

Some time later, Quantum is neatening up the love nest, and pulls out a bottle of something special. He offers to get Degra drunk on the Cell Bloque Champain Reserve Vintage 2305. Degra refuses, Quantum swigs. Degra doesn't understand how a Xindi and human could put aside their differences so quickly. Quantum laughs and explains that they spent the first part of their affair to remember trying to kill each other. He spins some skein about the Bug House guards laying bets as to who would die first, and how he suddenly found enlightenment when he was in the infirmary getting a prescription for Ortho-Trilithium. He says he asked himself, "What...was the POINT?" Quantum punctuates this line with head wagglings. He gets up and looks out the window.

Dr. Mathra: He may have lost everything, but he still has his Weight of the World Window.
Keckler: Well, of course, because they travel so well.

Long story short: Quantum says that he and Degra joined forces (forces, bodies, lips, rings -- what's the diff?) to get out of the Bug House prison. Degra looks around the ship and says he doesn't recognize it. Quantum tells him it's a Malosian cargo shuttle. The Malosians brought supplies to the prison. Quantum also lets it drop that, though the shuttle doesn't have weapons (or the $1400 sheets they registered for at Neiman's), it should get them where they need to go. Degra thinks they should find Quantum's ship, so Quantum breaks it to him that once he was forcibly removed from Enterprise, Bug House blew it up. Degra bitches that the Bug Houses were always aggressive, but that he never thought they'd destroy everything the Xindi of the Round Table had worked for. Quantum doesn't know what the Xindi of the Round Table is. Degra explains, "It was formed when our planet was destroyed. It was created to find a new homeworld for all Xindi. After years of searching, we found a few suitable locations but, as usual, couldnt agree on a final choice." He says that their reunification ("You have found him, Cpt. Pi-card!") was put aside when they learned of the threat from Earth. He was ordered to build the weapon, and he and his family sacrificed many things as a result of this order. Degra asks if Quantum knows what happened to Degra's family. Quantum leans back in his chair -- his feet up -- and says languidly, "You told me you'd heard from Naara before you were sent to prison -- she and the children were safe." Quantum gets up as though he suddenly had a good idea, and says they can go look for Degra's family now. "They were on a colony near a Red Giant," Degra muses. Quantum taps the con and asks for coordinates. Degra hedges and says that nothing would have been left, since it would have been the first thing destroyed. Quantum encourages him to have high hopes. Degra fixes him with a look and says, "It's too dangerous -- the patrol ships are still looking for us. We should find a refuge in case --"

Suddenly, there's a burst of metal and hissing and smoke or dry ice starts to fill the shuttle. Quantum says it's reactor coolant, and I believe him even if I have Geordi dancing around my head saying, "Coollllant leak -- we have a coolllant leak!" He always enunciated the "el"s. Degra starts coughing. Quantum grabs an oxygen mask from one overhead compartment -- shouldn't they be dropping down all on their own? -- and notes that it's the only one. He hands the mask to Degra. "What about you?!" Degra screams comically through the fabric of his prison uniform. Quantum reminds Degra that he has a family, and tells him to fix the rupture while he shuts down the coolant tanks. Eventually, Quantum falls down coughing and plays dead possum. Degra finishes the repair, and then claps his mask to Quantum's perky mouth. Quantum coughs awake, and they share the mask back and forth. Which then leads us to bedtime. No, I'm serious. But they're sleeping on opposite sides of the cabin because Degra, no doubt, thinks it's not quite "time" yet. Quantum rolls out of bed, checks that Degra is drooling peacefully on his pillow, and grabs something out of some dark corner of the shuttle. He hyposprays Degra in the neck and turns to a monitor.

From the other side of the monitor, we see Quantum and his big nose as though we were looking through an apartment peephole. "T'Pol," he says. Doors fly open, and Quantum steps out of a simulator that has Delorean doors. He hands the hypospray over to Phlox, who is standing with Trip and May-my-time-to-shine at a control panel. Where's T'Pol? There are a few Uh-Ohs hanging around, but no Vulcans. I know that we see her in the Stella Cartography room later, but if that's the case, why didn't Trip open the doors, since he's standing right there with all the simulator controls? Anyway, Phlox says that Degra will be unconscious for two hours. "Son of a bitch [sic] designed the weapon," Trip says. Quantum tells Phlox and May-ple-Syrup to keep an eye on Degra, and leaves with Trip.

In the Stella Cartography room, T'Pol tells Quantum and Trip (and Hoshi over in the corner) that there are a bunch of Red Giants pretty far away, and that at this distance, they can't scan any of them for a weapons facility. "This Red Giant might be a red herring," Trip adds sagely. Ha! Oh, wait, maybe he wasn't trying to be funny. Quantum thinks that since Degra is a high-ranking official, he'd be able to keep his family close by as he worked. Hoshi steps in to say that, for a moment, she thought Degra was actually going to give up the coordinates. "It's too bad he dinnit go for that Andorian Ale -- that wuld've loosened him up," Trip drawls. T'Pol thinks Quantum should try for a more direct approach, like outrightly asking him where the weapon is being constructed. Quantum negates this idea as too risky. "He'll tell me," Quantum says, looking through the hidden camera at the simulator, "I just need a little more time." Allll I neeeed, is just a little more tiiime to be sure what I feeeeeel! Is it all in my miiind? 'Cause it seeeem so hard to belieeeeeeve!

The screen tells us that it's three days earlier. Quantum logs that they returned to the site where the Xindis were testing the Weapon of Morass Destruction. They wanted to learn more about it by scanning the debris. Hang on -- what information could they learn from the debris that they didn't learn from Shran McCain's probing scans? Seriously, I want to know. A Xindi ship, that matches the description of the ships that were there two days ago testing the weapon, enters the area. The Enterprisers act sort of surprised by this, and I find that sort of stupid. I mean, why wouldn't the Xindis come back to scan -- not only for Enterprise's or the Andorian's warp signatures -- but for answers as to why the weapon failed in the first place?

On the Xindi ship, Degra gives orders to deploy the sensor drones. They are fired upon by Enterprise. Mr. Men can't contact the Xindi of the Round Table because Enterprise disabled their transceiver, and when they try to run, Reed aims for their engines and hobbles them. Quantum comms that they should prepare to be boarded. "Thalen!" Degra barks at an underling, who starts playing with a computer screen.