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Quantum kidnaps Degra (aka Mr. Man), and, with the aid of some highly suspect medical finaglings of Phlox's, manages to get him to forget his most recent memories. Installed in a neat little shuttle simulator that the whole crew (Even Hoshi! Even May-boy!) got to build with balsa wood and spray paint, Quantum tries to make Degra tell him all the Xindi weapon's secrets by pretending they have a prison history together, which naturally made them close. Very close. Eventually, Degra catches on and clams up tighter than the Drudge Report's shot of Janet's titple. After the flight of the simulator got its wings clipped, Quantum trumps up another simulated situation by way of lots of pyrotechnics in engineering and facial tics by Trip, tricking Degra into confirming the planetary location of the Weapon of Morass Destruction. After filming, Trip's simulator was shipped off to the Las Vegas Hilton as another way to make me nauseous. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Man. I can't believe how good these episodes are this season! Okay, okay, this show still might not exactly be the Best Thing currently on television, but considering where they came from, they are getting damn good.
Degra -- the Xindi Formerly Known As "Mr. Man" -- wakes up on the floor of a vessel as it rocks from side to side. He looks out a window, sees stars, and demands "Who are you?" of the man in the cockpit. Quantum -- with a mass of hair that desperately needs the Infusium he believes in -- turns around from the pilot's seat only to say, "They're targeting our engines!" While Degra con-fusses about how he got there and what the granny-knotted man wants with him, we can see through a window that a ship fires at them. Quantum tells Degra to get the weapons online. When Degra dithers like a St. Mary Mead sleuth, Quantum throws him out of the way and does it himself. Degra looks out another window sees, more ships, and says, "Insectoids!" Quantum raises the shields and says they won't last for long. Degra wants him to open a channel to the ships, because they are his people, and he'll order them to hold their fire. "It's been a long time since any Xindi took orders from you!" Quantum tells him. Stuff blows in the ship. Quantum runs around, intent on venting plasma. Finally, Degra involves himself and helps vent the plasma. The other ships stop firing. "The plasma got into their intake manifolds; their engines are overheating," says Quantum. I giggled when he said "overheating" because he accompanies the word with a weird face that made me think of someone tearing the meat off sauce-sticky spareribs. Mmmm, spareribs. The level of detail on this ship is incredible -- all the alien screens and gadgetry with the graphics are really cool. Degra demands to know who Quantum is and why he abducted him. "You really don't remember," Quantum states. "I was afraid this would happen." Oh, he's totally Gaslighting him. , we're going to see Quantum rubbing his hands, chortling that jewels have a life of their own, and Degra's going to clutch his bosoms, screeching, "If I were not mad, I could have HELPED you. Whatever you had done, I could have PITIED and protected you. But because I am mad, I hate you. Because I am mad, I have betrayed you. And because I'm mad, I'm REJOICING in my heart, without a shred of pity, without a shred of regret, watching you go with glory in my heart!" And then Joseph Cotton will save the day in one of his few non-creepy roles, and Angela Lansbury will play a singing slut. Again. Damn, no one makes movies like that anymore.
"It's me -- Archer!" says Quantum. Degra wants to know what species Quantum is. Quantum tries to fob him off by saying Degra's been through a lot over the last few days. "What SPECIES?" Degra yells. Quantum gives him a steady look: "I'm human." Degra all but falls over his nappy hair in surprise as he realizes Quantum's from "the Earth vessel."
Okay, now wait a minute -- do you mean to tell me that after Hellena Handjob massaged X-Rays out of Quantum's body, the Xindi don't even know what he looks like? I'd think they'd have "America's Most Furrowed" posters up in every Bug House beauty parlour, Snake Eyes Starbucks, and Aquamen water treatment facility. Quantum pleads, "Degra, you have to listen to me -- I'm not your enemy anymore. You spent the last two days in an interrogation chamber; whatever the Insectoids did to you must have affected your memory!" And if there's a warm seat on the Aurora Chair in there, Degra's going to have a miniature Quantum running around his lobes for several seasons. He can name him Snufflefurrowgus. Incidentally, I never had an imaginary friend -- I didn't quite understand how they worked. Although, if I recall correctly, my little sister did have one named "Wulla." I think her name was supposed to be "Willa." She was a bumblebee who, after living with us for awhile, decided to stay at Long Lake in Michigan one summer. According to Nessa, we never saw her again. I think that's a good thing, because Minnesota winters don't generally work well with the bumblebee's constitution. Wait, neither do Michigan winters! Great, now I'm sad. Poor Wulla and her imaginary immune system. Well, THAT was quite a detour -- I'll Mapquest us back: Quantum, hair, (fake) shuttle, Degra, hair, prison love.
Quantum bounds forward and tells Degra that his name is Quantum, and that they just escaped from a Bug House jail. Degra can't believe they were in jail. "We've shared a cell for ALMOST THREE YEARS!" Did all those years mean nothing to you, Degra? Degra still doesn't believe it. Quantum tells him to roll up his sleeve. They compare forearm tattoos. One says "Quantum," encircled by a big heart and a drooping rose, and the other says "Aliens Do It Better" with lots of curlicues and flourishes. Quantum tells Degra that the conflict between the Xindi and the humans is over: "We both lost." But then they found each other -- Degra was looking for blood, Quantum was looking for companionship and they both got their wish. Would you believe I've never seen even one episode of seen Oz? Degra shoves Quantum's arm away. Aw, baby, why you gotta be like that? Quantum says, "I promise I'll explain everything." Over a cup of General Foods Interspecies Coffee that will remind them of that little café in the shower room.
But before they can indulge, Quantum wants to get them out of there, in case the Bug Houses repair their engines. He casually mentions a system nearby in which they can hide. Degra goes to the window as the stars streak by to indicate warp-speed. He looks at his reflection, touches his hair self-consciously, and caresses his tattoo. Aw, don't worry about your coif, Degra, Quantum sees a deeper beauty within you.
Grasp the episode lightly by the tail and slowly, deliberately, and without damaging the flesh, skin off the theme song. You can toss it in the trash, but most chefs prefer to burn it because of the lingering stench. If you get a particularly young episode -- say less than three seasons old -- you can just use the theme song for compost because it won't smell up your kitchen nearly as much.
Degra still doesn't believe that his own people would imprison him. Quantum coughs out a chuckle, which pisses Degra off. "It's been a while since you referred to those overgrown grasshoppers as 'your people,'" Quantum says. You know, "overgrown grasshopper" is probably a racial slur in their world. Degra demands to know why he doesn't remember Quantum. Ignoring his supremely hurt feelings, Quantum tells Degra that bloodworms were used as a truth serum during the interrogations. He adds that in addition to four-hour erections, sweating, and nausea, another side effect is memory suppression. Quantum admits that the same thing happened to him: "I forgot everything since flight school." Home Slice, I gotta tell you, that's not necessarily a bad thing. He promises that Degra's memory will come back in a few days. And then Degra will give Quantum a single space rose for every day he couldn't remember how special Quantum was to him. Degra wonders why they were still questioning him if, as Quantum told him, he had been imprisoned for three years. "They wanted information about the weapon," Quantum tells him. "What kind of information?" Degra asks cautiously. Quantum sighs that it's going to take some time. Quantum explains that he was responsible for the failed weapon test, lo, those many years ago. Or lo, those many weeks ago, if you're already wise to the situation. And for some reason I was, but that's okay. Anyway, Continuity decides just to camp out in the bathroom for the rest of the episode rather than go on wetting his pants as Quantum explains that through Mr. Mugato, he tampered with the kemosabe. Degra grinds out that Mr. Mugato will be executed for that. "He was," Quantum says, looking at him. Degra looks up. Quantum says that it didn't matter, because a few weeks later the weapon was launched, and Earth was destroyed.
I think this is really where I knew that this whole thing was a charade, because they wouldn't have written the destruction of Earth into the story without treating us to a massive explosion. It actually would've been kind of cool if they had recycled that particular scene from "Twilight" in the previouslies (if there had been any tonight), because it could have tricked us into thinking that Earth blew up sending us back to "Twilight"'s timeline, where Quantum had a relapse or something.
Degra sits back and says, "We were successful." But he doesn't sound that happy about it. Dudes, it still really bothers me how unoriginal it is for the writers to take the Mr. Men Xindi, the Arboreal Xindi, and the Aquamen Xindi and make them out to be the most sympathetic of all the Xindi species. Bug and Snake = bad because they are "ugly" and "creepy." But ask yourself this: does that stop Donald Trump, Scottie Pippen, or Mena Suvari? Quantum snarks at the word "success," and tells Degra that after Earth was space dusted, the Xindis started in-fighting again. And we know Quantum knows that Xindis have this predilection because of what Mr. Mugato told him. Nice to know that episode was good for something other than an exercise in a sleep-apnea clinic. Quantum tells Degra that the Bug Houses attacked everyone and killed thousands. "The Reptilians and Aquatics would never allow that!" Degra said. "There wasn't a lot they could do," says Quantum. Seriously, how could the water-bound Aquamen exert any sort of force? It's not like we've seen any amphibiguity. Basically, Bug House could dance on the sand on their little, sharp legs and say, "Yeah? Well, make me!" and the Aquamen really couldn't. Although, they could splash water in their compound eyes. Regardless, if they were amphibious, they'd be called that instead of "Aquatics."
Quantum continues, saying that, while everyone else was caught up in the Weapon of Morass Destruction, the Bug House Xindi were secretly building new ships, and then used those ships to lord their armored wing casings over everyone else. Degra grabbles at his forearm and gasps. Quantum wonders if he's okay. Something squirms under Degra's skin. "That's just a bloodworm," Quantum consoles him. "It will work its way out." For the second time, I ask -- HOW will it "work its way out"? Because the only ways I can think of are either pretty gross or pretty Wrath of Khan. Like Reed, Degra doesn't like the sound of that, and asks Quantum if he can remove it. Quantum gives him a look and wordlessly gets a First Aid kit. He pulls out a serrated bread knife and tells Degra to hold still. He cuts Degra like he was nothing more than a rosemary-scented, olive-studded, lemon-zested loaf of sourdough from Noe Valley Bakery. There's fairly realistic-looking blood -- which is red, boringly enough -- and Quantum squeezes the incision between two fingers like it's a zit. Kudos -- I was thoroughly grossed out by this point, and it only got worse as Quantum slowly pulled the looong worm of Degra's arm. It wasn't tapeworm-long or anything, but, for some reason, I had imagined Regulan bloodworms to be the size of small slugs, so this was a bit ooky for me. With bloody fingers, Quantum puts the bloodworm in a glass cylinder while Degra stares at him in weird awe.
Let's talk citrus. Friday night, Dr. Mathra and I ventured to Berkeley Bowl, which has, like, fifty million different varieties of everything, but of citrus? In February? In California? They have fifty million and one. I came away with one of three possible kinds of Blood Oranges, Palestine Sweet Limes, Meyer Lemons, and regular lemons. Meyer Lemons are infinitely sweeter, almost orange in rindal hue, bigger, and generally more sought-after than any other lemon. You haven't heard of them, have you? Well, they taste like lemons crossed with tangerines, and they're awesome. I've known Palestine Sweet Limes to be Sweet Jerusalem Limes, but I guess they're being P.C. or something. After all, it is Berkeley. BB had regular limes as well -- I'm not sure if they are Rangepur Limes, which are supposed to be in season now -- but they were fucking HUGE! Dr. Mathra thought they were apples -- that's how monster they were. BB's produce department goes for miles and miles and there was stuff in bins, racks, and tubs I've never even heard of before. I also picked up some stalks of garlic. What's green garlic, you might ask? Well, it looks uncannily like scallions that injected fat from their lips into their ass, and they taste like a clove of garlic got a chive drunk on dirtinis and brought forth smelly progeny. They're yum. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do with all this stuff, but I have a confession to make: after I bought the blood oranges, I went for two filets of Pacific King Salmon. See, this cheesy Turning Leaf wine commercial got in my head and won't go away. It's the one where the guy is making his girl a surprise dinner on the terrace, and it looks like he makes a sauce for salmon out of blood oranges and other stuff. Turning Leaf wine is the nast, but I've been dying to reenact that commercial. Not the terrace and the cheese and the bad hair -- just the dish.
Some time later, Quantum is neatening up the love nest, and pulls out a bottle of something special. He offers to get Degra drunk on the Cell Bloque Champain Reserve Vintage 2305. Degra refuses, Quantum swigs. Degra doesn't understand how a Xindi and human could put aside their differences so quickly. Quantum laughs and explains that they spent the first part of their affair to remember trying to kill each other. He spins some skein about the Bug House guards laying bets as to who would die first, and how he suddenly found enlightenment when he was in the infirmary getting a prescription for Ortho-Trilithium. He says he asked himself, "What...was the POINT?" Quantum punctuates this line with head wagglings. He gets up and looks out the window.
Dr. Mathra: He may have lost everything, but he still has his Weight of the World Window.
Keckler: Well, of course, because they travel so well.
Long story short: Quantum says that he and Degra joined forces (forces, bodies, lips, rings -- what's the diff?) to get out of the Bug House prison. Degra looks around the ship and says he doesn't recognize it. Quantum tells him it's a Malosian cargo shuttle. The Malosians brought supplies to the prison. Quantum also lets it drop that, though the shuttle doesn't have weapons (or the $1400 sheets they registered for at Neiman's), it should get them where they need to go. Degra thinks they should find Quantum's ship, so Quantum breaks it to him that once he was forcibly removed from Enterprise, Bug House blew it up. Degra bitches that the Bug Houses were always aggressive, but that he never thought they'd destroy everything the Xindi of the Round Table had worked for. Quantum doesn't know what the Xindi of the Round Table is. Degra explains, "It was formed when our planet was destroyed. It was created to find a new homeworld for all Xindi. After years of searching, we found a few suitable locations but, as usual, couldn’t agree on a final choice." He says that their reunification ("You have found him, Cpt. Pi-card!") was put aside when they learned of the threat from Earth. He was ordered to build the weapon, and he and his family sacrificed many things as a result of this order. Degra asks if Quantum knows what happened to Degra's family. Quantum leans back in his chair -- his feet up -- and says languidly, "You told me you'd heard from Naara before you were sent to prison -- she and the children were safe." Quantum gets up as though he suddenly had a good idea, and says they can go look for Degra's family now. "They were on a colony near a Red Giant," Degra muses. Quantum taps the con and asks for coordinates. Degra hedges and says that nothing would have been left, since it would have been the first thing destroyed. Quantum encourages him to have high hopes. Degra fixes him with a look and says, "It's too dangerous -- the patrol ships are still looking for us. We should find a refuge in case --"
Suddenly, there's a burst of metal and hissing and smoke or dry ice starts to fill the shuttle. Quantum says it's reactor coolant, and I believe him even if I have Geordi dancing around my head saying, "Coollllant leak -- we have a coolllant leak!" He always enunciated the "el"s. Degra starts coughing. Quantum grabs an oxygen mask from one overhead compartment -- shouldn't they be dropping down all on their own? -- and notes that it's the only one. He hands the mask to Degra. "What about you?!" Degra screams comically through the fabric of his prison uniform. Quantum reminds Degra that he has a family, and tells him to fix the rupture while he shuts down the coolant tanks. Eventually, Quantum falls down coughing and plays dead possum. Degra finishes the repair, and then claps his mask to Quantum's perky mouth. Quantum coughs awake, and they share the mask back and forth. Which then leads us to bedtime. No, I'm serious. But they're sleeping on opposite sides of the cabin because Degra, no doubt, thinks it's not quite "time" yet. Quantum rolls out of bed, checks that Degra is drooling peacefully on his pillow, and grabs something out of some dark corner of the shuttle. He hyposprays Degra in the neck and turns to a monitor.
From the other side of the monitor, we see Quantum and his big nose as though we were looking through an apartment peephole. "T'Pol," he says. Doors fly open, and Quantum steps out of a simulator that has Delorean doors. He hands the hypospray over to Phlox, who is standing with Trip and May-my-time-to-shine at a control panel. Where's T'Pol? There are a few Uh-Ohs hanging around, but no Vulcans. I know that we see her in the Stella Cartography room later, but if that's the case, why didn't Trip open the doors, since he's standing right there with all the simulator controls? Anyway, Phlox says that Degra will be unconscious for two hours. "Son of a bitch [sic] designed the weapon," Trip says. Quantum tells Phlox and May-ple-Syrup to keep an eye on Degra, and leaves with Trip.
In the Stella Cartography room, T'Pol tells Quantum and Trip (and Hoshi over in the corner) that there are a bunch of Red Giants pretty far away, and that at this distance, they can't scan any of them for a weapons facility. "This Red Giant might be a red herring," Trip adds sagely. Ha! Oh, wait, maybe he wasn't trying to be funny. Quantum thinks that since Degra is a high-ranking official, he'd be able to keep his family close by as he worked. Hoshi steps in to say that, for a moment, she thought Degra was actually going to give up the coordinates. "It's too bad he dinnit go for that Andorian Ale -- that wuld've loosened him up," Trip drawls. T'Pol thinks Quantum should try for a more direct approach, like outrightly asking him where the weapon is being constructed. Quantum negates this idea as too risky. "He'll tell me," Quantum says, looking through the hidden camera at the simulator, "I just need a little more time." Allll I neeeed, is just a little more tiiime to be sure what I feeeeeel! Is it all in my miiind? 'Cause it seeeem so hard to belieeeeeeve!
The screen tells us that it's three days earlier. Quantum logs that they returned to the site where the Xindis were testing the Weapon of Morass Destruction. They wanted to learn more about it by scanning the debris. Hang on -- what information could they learn from the debris that they didn't learn from Shran McCain's probing scans? Seriously, I want to know. A Xindi ship, that matches the description of the ships that were there two days ago testing the weapon, enters the area. The Enterprisers act sort of surprised by this, and I find that sort of stupid. I mean, why wouldn't the Xindis come back to scan -- not only for Enterprise's or the Andorian's warp signatures -- but for answers as to why the weapon failed in the first place?
On the Xindi ship, Degra gives orders to deploy the sensor drones. They are fired upon by Enterprise. Mr. Men can't contact the Xindi of the Round Table because Enterprise disabled their transceiver, and when they try to run, Reed aims for their engines and hobbles them. Quantum comms that they should prepare to be boarded. "Thalen!" Degra barks at an underling, who starts playing with a computer screen.
An outer-space shot shows Enterprise docked with Degra's ship. Degra has a small ship. I wonder how Quantum feels about that. He probably doesn't, and that's the real problem.
On Degra's small ship, T'Pol, Quantum, and Hoshi discover that the Mr. Men managed to erase most of their data. However, Hoshi finds a letter in one of Degra's personal files. Unfortunately, he doesn't mention anything about the weapon, but does reference visiting a planet called Azati Prime. Trip's got his head in the Xindi ship's engines, and comments that he'd love to spend hours undressing the ship. He points out that everything is tied into their main deflector. And that's a good thing, right? Quantum tells him to learn all he can, and leaves.
An overhead shot shows the three Mr. Men tucked into a single brig cell. Degra bends over a gorgeous sink to rinse off his face. The bowl of the sink is green glass, and very Spartan-looking with simple, clean lines along the faucet and stand. It reminds me of the Kohler commercials, "You can't live without water. Can you live without art?" God, I love the design details on this set. Although, at the same time, I'm depressed that a containment cell has a nicer sink than I do. Quantum stalks in and demands information from Degra regarding the WMD. He doesn't offer to escort him to the airlock in order to better discuss the situation. It worked so well that one time, I'm really wondering why Quantum hasn't done it again. Degra is mum on the matter, even when Quantum threatens, "If you don't tell me what I need to know, perhaps one of your MEN WILL." Okay, this is bad; I totally can't do justice to Quantum's line for those of you who didn't watch this episode, but Bakula put this timbre into his voice that, so help me, sounded all Evil Mad Scientisty or Evil Moustache-Twirling Man. I couldn't take him seriously. In the middle of all this, Reed comms Quantum to say that there's dangerous radiation afoot, and that he would recommend putting distance between them and the test site. Quantum okays this, and gets back to being angry with Degra, but it doesn't work. He has a face of fury but you know he's crying on the inside.
Sickbay. Phlox suggests whipping up a truth serum in his exobiological blender, but admits that it might take weeks for the thing to gel properly. Phlox calls up the neural scan of a Xindi, and says that it might be possible to erase Degra's most recent memories, thus making him forget he was ever aboard Enterprise. Quantum wonders how he can do this, considering that his research is based on a Snake Eyes Xindi rather than a Mr. Man Xindi. Well, that's easy enough -- all they would have to do is knock out one of the Mr. Men they've incarcerated and scan his neural net to make the necessary adjustments. Phlox has a more far-fetched hypothesis, and says that the neural pathways of the Mr. Men and Snake Eyes "are virtually identical." He does admit that he has to perform a few more tests, but says he's not worried. "How selective could this memory wipe be?" Quantum asks.
An overhead shot -- they're big into those this episode -- shows the main crew gathered together in the situation room. Trip says he built flight simulators during Starfleet training (and at the Vegas Hilton), so it would be pee-can pah for him to make one now. Reed wins the most intellectual points from me by pointing out, "It's not simply a matter of constructing a shuttle; it has to be designed. What species built it? What language would the control interface use?" "Lookit Reed go all Bauhaus!" crows Dr. Mathra. Quantum directs Hoshi to help with that, and Hoshi adds that she recovered a letter Degra wrote to his wife Naara. They have two children. T'Pol thinks it will be necessary to communicate with Quantum while he's in the simulator. "The Uh-Ohs use sub-dermal transceivers," Reed adds. "They're relatively easy to implant," says Phlox. That's kind of Borgish of the Uh-Ohs, don't you think? As they all break to their various tasks, Quantum wants T'Pol's special help in making up a story that will cover the events of the past three years.
Sickbay. Degra lies on an examination table while Phlox tattoos his arm. Phlox says that "dermal art" was very common on Denobula, and that his parents made him study it. Hee, Phlox owns a tattoo parlour back home called "Phlox's Phancies." Phlox points out that he stimulated Degra's hair follicles as well. "I'm not sure about the grey," Quantum picks. "This is only supposed to be three years from now." "Ah, but you're forgetting about the stress of imprisonment -- hm? And torture! It can very well have an effect on hair pigmentation," Phlox adds a particularly gleeful note when he says "And torture!" How much do you want to bet that Phlox would actually enjoy being tortured? "Ah, now that's an interesting sensation, and one that is not unlike what I felt when the Morovian Nerve Beetle burrowed into my scalp when I had to misfortune to visit that lovely planet without taking the precautions of donning a hat!" The level of detail they went into in this episode is a true credit to how picky we rabid fans, ambivalent watchers, and show-loathers, can be. For instance, I threw a nitpick over the fact that Trip's hair was grey in "Twilight." I felt that Quantum's gray, based on his age, was fine, but I thought Trip was too young to be nursing the silver threads. However, I do agree that stress -- and defending Earth from total annihilation can bring a fair amount of stress, I've been told -- can call for several bottles of Just for Men. At this point, Quantum's already togged out in the charcoal grey and oddly furry prison uniform he's wearing in the simulator. Phlox carries over a canister of Regulan bloodworms, and says that no harm will be done to Degra, aside from having a thoroughly cleansed lymphatic system. Phlox cautions Quantum not to damage the worm, because bloodworms are difficult to replace. Especially when you're in The Expanse and far from a Regulan bloodworm five-and-dime. Phlox hovers over Degra's face with a worm, and lowers it out of sight. Quantum makes a slight face as we can hear the worm squirm wetly in. Somewhere. More shades of WOK.
I guess we're back to the present day, because Degra is awakened from his catnap as the simulator shakes and asks Quantum what's going on. Quantum tells him they are going through a field of "spatial anomalies." Is that May-wasted-talent's new name? We get to see him and Trip controlling the simulator from the outside as T'Pol comms down to them (the simulator is in a Cargo Bay) to increase hydraulics. T'Pol then orders them to initiate a sharp jolt to starboard. "How sharp do you want it?" Trip asks. Yeah, I mean, are we talking as sharp as your collarbones or only as sharp as your hipbones, T'Pol? "Sharp," T'Pol says calmly. Trip and May-wasted-talent exchange looks. "You hurd the lady," Trip shrugs. T'Pol tells Hoshi to warn the captain, which she does. I don't understand that; wouldn't it be more realistic if there were an element of surprise about it? Warning him just means that Quantum has to fake his movements and reactions instead of just acting natural. Or as natural as Quantum can be, which isn't very. Quantum announces that they are losing structural integrity, and takes them out of warp. Through the Portable Weight of the World Window, the stars stop streaking. Quantum says that they'll never make it through the spatial anomaly field, and that they don't have enough gas to go around it. They have to send out a distress call to a Degra-sympathetic ship. Degra worries about Bug House picking it up, but Quantum points out that they don't have a whole lotta options. Degra thinks a bit and admits, "There's a comm channel used by high-ranking Primate officials; I doubt Insectoids know it." Quantum asks for Kenneth's frequency, but Degra prefers to enter it himself. Without blinking a furrow, Quantum enables Degra's side of the console, nods, and backs away.
In Stella Cartography, where Hoshi and T'Pol are monitoring everything, they capture the frequency and wait before they fake a response. Reed comms them from the Bridge to say that he thinks a Xindi ship cometh and there will be guerrillas in their midst in six hours. Hoshi warns T'Pol that the Xindi have such sophisticated sensors that they might notice them long before that. T'Pol tells Reed to hide them in the debris field, even though Reed's twitchy about the radiation overloading their systems. "Well, I certainly hope going back into the debris field won't cause a power flux that fucks up the simulator like in the Paul Sorvino TNG episode. Otherwise, they'll have to start worshipping a new yellow grid-work god," comments Dr. Mathra. For some reason, T'Pol makes a big deal about saying, "Carry out my orders." It was that line that the stupid UPN promo people decided to pick up and tagline with something along the lines of "While the captain's away, she has the run of the ship," as though she were staging a mutiny. Anyone who has been watching the show consistently knows that there haven't been any issues like that with T'Pol since Season 1. I'm such a T'Pol fan these days that my mom sent me a T'Pol tree ornament. With that, some frozen pecan pie, a tub of lip balm from Boots pharmacy, and my Quantum action figure, I'm building myself quite the little Enterprise family.
Simulator. Quantum pulls a long swallow of Andorian ale and babbles about stuff he learned in prison from other inmates about some planet on which he wants to take a lake bath. Bamp. Chicka. Degra drinks as well. "It sounds a lot like Earth from the way he described it," Quantum slurs a bit, and takes the bottle back.
From their closed-circuit camera, Hoshi watches Quantum swig. "The Captain's certainly drinking a lot," she comments. "The doctor gave him an anti-intoxicant," T'Pol tells her. See, some people wondered about Hoshi's motivation for making that comment, but I think it was put in by the writers for no other reason than to have T'Pol mention the anti-intoxicant so that the viewers (myself included) wouldn't throw fits about Quantum's drinking while on an important simulated mission.
Okay, so I fucked up THAT meal. First off, the salmon from Berkeley Bowl had bones in it. All over. Bones. Listen, I don't pay for prime salmon to have so many pin bones that Dr. Mathra and I spend our entire meal with thoughtful expressions on our faces as we mull around them! Anyway, I lined my bamboo-steamer (thanks, CLCC!) with paper-thin slices of Blood Oranges and Palestine Sweet Limes and steamed one filet, and I concocted a Blood Orange sauce to accompany it. Then, after marinating the other filet in a puree of Meyer Lemons, green garlic, olive oil, and S&P, I pan-seared the pink sucker. I served that filet with a bit of the reserved puree napped on top. Eh. It was fine. Dr. Mathra loved both dishes, but I had all sorts of finicky, chefy, presentationy complaints. I didn't reduce the Blood Orange sauce enough, and the filets -- which for some reason the Berkeley Bowl fishmonger sliced so thin as to make them roulades -- sort of fell apart after I removed them from the steamer and the skillet.
In the simulator, Quantum gets Degra to talk a bit about the colony he lived on, and how he wasn't living there by choice. In fact, Degra's wife was desperate to leave. Degra asks, "Do you have a family, Captain?" Quantum sniffs amusedly and says, "It's been a long time since anyone's called me 'Captain' -- it's Jonathan, remember?" Ha -- a memory joke! How not very hilarious. Quantum says he never had an opportunity to start a family. "You should make the time," Degra tells him. Degra, since you blew up his world, I think it's a bit late for that, so why don't you try REAL hard to remove the kosher salt from THAT wound? Degra says that he learned that his work meant very little in the grand scheme of things, and that the children are the future if you teach them well and let them lead the way. I don't know how much beauty Xindi possess inside, but I suppose they can still have a sense of pride. Degra adds that he would do anything to protect his spawn, and after he learned about the human threat, he left his theoretical studies and went to Los Alamos make the weapon. Quantum puts a clenched fist to his furrows as he has to sit through and listen to Degra explain how he got Pay-Per-View in order to watch the Psycho Bocce Ball dissect Florida. "Seven million lives were extinguished in front of my eyes," Degra muses trancefully. "I asked myself how many of those were children." Degra pulls hard on the bottle and supposes he's told Quantum all this before. Quantum honestly denies it. They get an incoming message. It's a "response" from Degra's "men." A male voice says it's good to hear Degra's voice. "Trip? Reed? Travis?!" Dr. Mathra wonders. Nope. It's Hoshi speaking through a voice-distorter. Cool, just like when Trini visited the KISS set on 3-2-1 Contact. There's some fake signal failure before Hoshi/Thalen tells Degra that she/he's on Azati Prime, and that Degra's family is safe. They lose the signal, and Quantum comments that it's good to know Degra's family is safe. Degra responds, "There were more than a thousand Primates and Arboreals at that colony; I don't understand why it wasn't destroyed." Quantum presses Degra to cough up the coordinates. Degra pauses and looks up at him. He admits that he still has a problem giving Quantum directions to a classified Xindi outpost. Again, Quantum pushes himself away from the console and says, "Be my guest." Degra starts punching numbers.
In Stella Cartography, Hoshi reads off the coordinates as they appear on a viewscreen. T'Pol plots it and locates a Red Giant. In the simulator, Quantum notes that Degra encrypted the coordinates. As T'Pol talks through Quantum's sub-dermal implants (I guess he's really got her under his skin now) about the fact that the coordinates match a Red Giant, he wonders aloud how long it's going to take them to get there. "Not long," Degra says, lying down on a bunk. "Approximately three weeks at maximum warp -- a considerable detour if the weapon is not there," T'Pol also tells him. Yes, but think of all the farm stands they can visit along the way! The sweet corn alone makes it worth the trouble. Quantum taps some keys and "Stand by" is typed out on T'Pol's Red Giant coordinates.
To pass the time and stuff, Quantum asks Degra what his people will make of having a human in their midst. Degra swigs more Andorian ale and professes not to be worried, since he thinks Quantum will be accepted just on Degra the High-Ranking Official's say-so. All at once, the simulator starts to go crazy. Outside, Trip and May-did-you-ever-Nolan-Chen-my-hero confirm that something is definitely screwy. Trip plays with the hydraulics right to the wall of the simulator and yells, "SHUT IT DOWN!" I sure hope the simulator is soundproofed. May-did-you-ever-Nolan-Chen-my-hero can't comply. Uh-Oh Daniel Dae Lewis stands in the background and observes them as impassively as if he were an evil lawyer in a demonic law firm.
The disruption is all due to the debris field, so T'Pol orders Reed to take them out. As a pilot carries out Reed's orders, we get a really quick glimpse at a cool slide ruler thing that the pilot pushes up as he plots the coordinates.
In the simulator, Degra may possibly see the brief snatch of Poltergeist static instead of stars outside the Portable Weight of the World Window. It's hard to know, since there was the static, and after it goes away, Degra looks but only sees stars. He could have seen something flicker from the corner of his eye. The simulator stops shaking.
Reed comms T'Pol that they're clear of the debris field.
Simulator. Degra asks what the problem was. "Sub-space turbulence," Quantum says lightly. "Really," Degra says flatly. He gets up -- one arm behind his back -- and asks "Jonathan" to tell him the names of Degra's children. Since they've been friends for so long. Quantum states that Degra still doesn't believe him. Ooh, ooh! It's a love test straight out of Cosmicpolitan!
In Stella Cartography, Hoshi gasps, "There's something in his hand!" T'Pol stalks over for a closer look, and tells Hoshi to magnify. We can see it's the bread knife Quantum used to slash Degra's bloodworm-abscessed wrist. T'Pol sub-dermally warns Quantum.
Simulator. Degra keeps insisting that Quantum justify his love by telling him the names of Degra-spawn.
Stella Cartography. Hoshi dashes to her workstation as T'Pol says, "We're coming in." On the monitor, Quantum holds up a hand to the screen and responds to both T'Pol and Degra by saying, "This...isn't...necessary." "Piral and Jayna!" Hoshi announces. In the simulator, Quantum snorts a bit before repeating the names. "Which one is older?" Degra demands. That's not information Hoshi has, so Quantum tries to bluff. It doesn't work. Degra attacks him, and just like when Meg Ryan has her fear-of-flying breakdown, the simulator doors open. May-did-you-ever-Nolan-Chen-my-hero, Trip, and a few Uh-Ohs board from three sides and find Quantum sitting on top of Degra, the knife to the Mr. Man's throat. They like it rough. Trip and some Uh-Ohs pick Degra up, who spits at Quantum, "You'll never find the weapon!" Quantum orders him to the brig. After they escort Degra away, Trip looks back at the dreadlocked Quantum, who breathes as hard as his hair is going to be to brush.
So what do you do when cuisine hands you a lemon? Make lemonade. Alcoholic lemonade. Trying to stave off my feelings of culinary inadequacy and the resulting pain from a larynx I pulled yelling at one of the stupidest shows on the Food Network, I took my leftover Meyer Lemons and Palestine-Jerusalem Limes and made two different martinis: A Meyer Lemontini and Palestine Limetini. They ended up being the most delicious part of the entire meal. And they kept me from throwing an entire steamed artichoke painted in truffle oil at Lisa Loeb.
Brig. Degra throws insults when Quantum pays him a conjugal visit. Degra says he had his suspicions about the whole ruse since the very beginning, but that it was the comm saying people were safe on Azati Prime that really got his nose a-twichin'. When Quantum tells Degra that they know his ship has been there very recently, Degra Dungeness crabs that there's a Bug House deuterium facility there, and that it would be the last place his people would go to hide. Quantum states that, in the simulator, Degra gave them the coordinates of a Red Giant. "I gave you what you thought you wanted," Degra says, pointing at Quantum through the glass. It's not polite to point. Quantum says he'll just have to wipe Degra's mind again, and start with a blank slate in the simulator. Degra doubts there's time for that. Quantum doesn't think Degra figured it out until after the malfunction, and bets the coordinates are real. Degra invites him to proceed there at max warp. Quantum considers his R.S.V.P.
Stella Cartography. Hoshi wonders why Degra would encrypt coordinates if they were fake. "Perhaps he thought it would make them appear more convincing," T'Pol puts in. Trip flat-out thinks Degra's lying and only got tipped off during the malfunction. Quantum stares at the charted Red Giant that sits on the screen like a pimple pulsing with the pus of indecision. It's Quantum's captainly opinion that they can't waste three weeks' travel time if the weapon isn't there. Quantum then asks if Trip has learned any more about the sub-space vortices the Xindi use as their interstates. Trip mouths some techobabble, and says that the Xindi can travel half-a-dozen light years in a few minutes. Yeah, but can they do the Kessel Run in under ten parsecs? Sorry, I know that one is completely played, but Dr. Mathra's got a thing for chestnuts, so I indulge him. Quantum wants to see all the data in order to form a plan so cunning you could Scotch-tape a tail on it and call it a weasel.
From Engineering, Quantum tells the Bridge that they're ready. Perched in the Captain's Chair like a blue parakeet on one of those swingy things, T'Pol puts them on Reed Alert and engages. The ship shakes. May-did-you-ever-Nolan-Chen-my-hero FINALLY gets his close-up.
Quantum falls around Engineering. The Xindi fall out of their bunks.
Reed opens the Brig, shoves one Mr. Man unnecessarily aside, and orders two others to come with him.
Engineering. "We'll fracture the hull if this goes on any longer," Trip says, right before the Xindi enter with Reed. Knowing now that this was all a fake-out, Trip must have been getting into his role at the time if he was saying shit no one important was even going to hear. Yeah, that's it. Sparks fly. Alas, they are from the warp core, and no longer between Quantum and Degra. Well, it is better to have loved and tattooed than never to have been touched by the fickle ink needle of romance. Quantum explains to the Mr. Man engineer that they used their technology to open a sub-space vortex, and now the server is throwing a hissyfit, so basically, can he do them a favor and help them out? The Xindimen aren't inclined to help in the least. Quantum points out (loudly) that they'll all die if the ship falls a part.
There's much drama, falling down, and fireworks.
T'Pol announces that they're losing hull integrity. Once everyone is finally flat on their backs on the floor, the ship stops with the conniptions. They all get to their feet, and Trip frog-legs over to his con, twists to Quantum, and says, "I'll be damned! Travis inverted the warp field. It dropped us back into normal space!" WOW! That's so awesome -- TRAVIS DID SOMETHING! T'Pol asks Quantum to report to the Bridge. At this point, I was convinced that Travis was now dead, since there's no way he could have done something significant and lived to tell the tale.
Bridge. A random Red Stripe puts out fires with an extinguisher. The viewscreen shows a big red eye. Guess he was also up drinking all night in a vain effort to quell the Dweezil and Lisa hate. Another random Red Stripe gets patched up by one of his brethren. Man, they are going all out with this little Children's Theatre production, aren't they? For some reason, even though Quantum ordered Reed to take Degra to the Brig, they both appear on the Bridge. The red eye is magnified and Reed -- leaving guard of Degra -- goes to his con to announce that there's a clot of Xindi vessels in the area, as well as a lot of kemosabe. Quantum stiffens up, and orders all weapons armed, and a course laid in for the kemosabe. He turns back to Degra and orders, "Get 'im outta here!" Degra freaks out and yells through his Where the Wild Things Are hair, "You'll never get close to the weapon! Our defense perimeter will destroy you!" And you, buddy boy, and you. Quantum pauses and turns around mildly. Degra pants. Quantum nods at T'Pol, who taps some buttons. Reed Alert stops. "Show him!" Quantum commands Hoshi. The hung-over eye disappears from the viewscreen, and the debris field from the test site appears. Oooh, snea-kay! Damn, I SO did not predict that! Degra trembles. Quantum orders the Uh-Ohs to take him to Sickbay. Quantum sighs and bites a lip. He turns to May-did-you-ever-Nolan-Chen-my-hero and says, "I think you overdid the turbulence just a little bit, Ensign." May-did-you-ever-Nolan-Chen-my-hero smiles and says, "I'll try to do better time, sir." Aw, he got a line AND a close-up -- Anthony Montgomery is popping open the good stuff tonight. I toast you, buddy.
Okay, this is the deal. We've -- wait, I'm taking in a lot of territory there -- I've been so lulled into thinking that Quantum always does really stupid things that either result in a ship take-over or a very invasive laying-on of hands, so when he does something smart that looks dumb (like letting the Mr. Men out of the Brig when the ship was pitching and wooing and keeping everything in a general state of confusion) in two successive episodes, I'm completely flummoxed by it. Maybe Quantum's been playing dumb all these years! No, he's not that smart. Or, is he?
Enterprise cruises the debris field. Whatever happened to the Xindi ships that were six hours away?
Back on the Mr. Men ship, Quantum surveys the scene, as the Mr. Men are put back into their stations and have their appendages carefully flung about in a haphazard fashion. T'Pol modifies stuff to make it look like a plasma conduit ruptured on the ship and knocked them all out. Phlox is there to hypospray all the Mr. Men with harmless trace amounts of plasma. Excellent detail work. T'Pol points out that nothing can explain away how their computer core was wiped clean. "As long as they don't know we were here, we can leave them with a mystery," Quantum says. He obviously didn't watch "Clues" with the cell culture growing, Worf's broken arm, and Data dealing threes all over the place. I mean, Picard even says, "Humans love a mystery, and what we need to do is eliminate the clues!" We can only hope the Xindi hate all kinds of mysteries. "Also, if the Xindi have a C.S.I. team, they'll pick up human everywhere," Dr. Mathra adds. Reed comms to say that the Xindi ship is getting closer. They prepare to ditch the Mr. Men ship.
Quantum has a final log that says they hope the visit to Azati Prime will be the "final leg" in their search for the Xindi weapon. Which of course means that it won't even be close to the final leg. Or that they're all going to die when they cancel this show.
week: Reed runs around in a sweaty grey tank top (hey, what happened to The Tick Underoos?!); Quantum badgers an alien who needs some serious Vaseline Intensive Care; Reed flies through the air with the greatest of pees; Trip touches a female Uh-Oh who charley-horses him in the ass; and T'Pol tells Trip she doesn't experience jealousy, and then takes off all her clothes. You know, I think I'm finally ready for a little sex in this show. Especially if it has a dash of peach schnapps and is "On the Beach."