Enterprise S02E28

Kirk and Bones tte--tte in the transporter room about their impending away mission. Kirk says something about Commodore Travers always having a "well-set table." "I wonder if he brought his personal chef to Cestus III," Bones speculates. "Probably," Kirk chuckles, "rank hath its privileges." Did he just say "hath"? The Commodore comms them to request that they bring their tactical people along with them. Kirk ten-fours, and Spock innocently wonders why the Commodore is so insistent that they schlep their tactical team down. I have to say, it sounded like a mild request to me, but if Spock thinks it was "insistent," then I guess we're supposed to think it was "insistent." Between you and me, I wouldn't trust anything that came from someone who called himself "The Commodore." The title sounds so stagy and too much like a man who parades around with lots of plumed hats and belt buckles, demanding tea and bickies in The Flame Trees of Thika, to be real. Kirk makes sure the viewing audience -- and by "viewing audience," I mean myself, Mathra, and Hunca Munca. Poppadum pleads hairballs at the sight of Kirk's paunchy pecs -- knows that the settlement on Cestus III is remote, alone, way out in the middle of nowhere, and far away. Spock still doth protest muchly, but Bones tells him to lay off the skepticism: "Isn't it enough that the Commodore is known for his hospitality? I for one could go for a non-reconstituted meal!" "Doctor, you are a sensualist," Spock informs him dismissively. "You bet your pointed ears I am!" Bones agrees, giving Spock the once-over. Spock looks askance. The beepity-boppity music (not to be confused with Bibbity-Bobbity-Boo music) plays to signal A Light-Hearted Whimsical Moment Without Any Corned Beef Slash Being Served Up In Great Steaming Quantities At All. I love that music -- they play it in "Shore Leave" a lot. It has a Smurfs-walking-through-the-forest-and-right-into-Azriel's-mouth sort of glockenspiel-y quality about it. And speaking of the mouth of the beast, the away team beams down...to a settlement that exists no longer. Smoke and fire scars on the ground jump up to tell us that there was a mighty duel. Kirk comms the ship: "Cestus III has been destroyed." Does this mean that the well-set table is gone?

Okay, here's a bit of pathetic trivia for this particular episode. This was such a Wal-Mart production that the Star Trek people had to use a set built for a 1930s movie that was scheduled to be destroyed because it was in danger of collapse. Voila! Cestus III was born. Apparently, if you look closely, there are tell-tale signs from the movie, The Alamo. I didn't look closely. I've never seen The Alamo. I just giggle that Star Trek got thirty-year-old hand-me-downs.

Spock and Kirk determine that the messages they received in the last forty-eight hours from Cestus III were all faked, because the fall of the colony happened several days ago. Kirk orders his redshirt tacticians to investigate different places. They find a survivor and try to get him to talk. "Keep him alive, Bones, I wanna know what's been happening here," Kirk orders. Hey, that's pretty callous -- how about keeping him alive because it's a nice thing to do? Obviously, if he's alive, he might be able to tell you what happened, but it might be more polite not to mention that angle while the guy is, you know, dying. Spock gets another life-reading, but they aren't warm-blooded: "Living creatures, but not human." There goes that "duh-DUH!" music -- so Trek, so classically ironic in our cynical world today. In fact, I wonder if Star Trek invented the "duh-DUH!" Kirk sends a redshirt to check out the location of the chilled life-sign. The redshirt steps away about three feet, says, "Captain, I think I see something!" and then his body turns all red and he disappears. I think he just died of embarrassment. Suddenly, they're all under attack from a source unknown. Kirk wants to get beamed up, but Sulu tells him Enterprise is also under attack and they have their defense shields up. Mathra informs me that this is the first episode to mention that the transporter beam is impotent when the defense shields are up. Thrilling. Kirk orders Sulu to fire all phasers, which don't do any damage to the defense-screened alien ship. Kirk tells the helmsman to do whatever is necessary to protect Enterprise, including leaving orbit. Sulu signs off. "If they lower those screens to beam us up, they'll be open to phaser attack," Kirk tells Spock. Yes, we got that already, Capt. Sexplanation, and I'm sure it wasn't news to your Science Officer either! Spock comments that their hand phasers can't compete against the disrupters the unseen enemy is using, but Kirk says, "We'll have to make do with what we've got."

They all make a run for safety, carrying the casualty with them. Kirk sends more redshirts out into the fray. Kirk frets, "We're helpless down here, and the Enterprise --" "Sulu's an experienced combat officer, Captain," Spock interrupts. "It's my ship, Spock, I shouldbethere!" Kirk interrupts right back. Kirk asks if Spock remembers where the arsenal is; Spock does, but he thinks it's risky. Of course, it's a risk Kirk's willing to take. Do you remember when you were an idiot child and putting your forehead down on a bat and the bat down on the ground and running in circles until you threw up your PB&J was considered fun? Okay, now do you remember how -- after you spat out the last Wonderbread crust -- you then ran across the schoolyard and tried to run a straight line but ended up listing severely to one side? Good. Now put Kirk in the place of your sandwich-hurling self. He starts running in this crazy zig-zag -- which only works if you're avoiding an alligator, not bombs -- across the compound. A shell explodes near him, so Kirk's double-vaults and dives into a somersault. Once upright, Kirk again comm-orders Sulu to do whatever is necessary to protect "his" ship. Sulu tries to protest that they can't leave them behind. "Never mind about me!" Kirk shouts. Well, that was understood, maybe even welcomed, but what about Bones and Spock? I mind about them! Sulu announces that their photon torpedoes are negative, and prepares to leave orbit.

Spock runs to join Kirk. Nimoy's double ("If he was even allowed to have one!" Mathra mutters bitterly) must have been sick that day, because he doesn't do any fancy leaping and landing; he just sort of awkwardly stumble-falls through the explosions until he gets to Kirk and gestures with his tricorder, "Locked on to the enemy, Captain, they're moving to the high ground." There's a hissing noise, and Spock holds up his smoking tricorder. "They've locked onto my tricorder!" Spock says, all aghast at the temerity. Spock hurls the tricorder away. Pause. Explosion. "Very ingenious," Spock explains. "They fed back my own impulses and built up an overload." At this point, Kirk has opened a box of blue paint balls. He calls them grenades, but I think they're blue paint balls. "We'll see how 'ingenious' they are," Kirk miffs, and gets Spock to help him with a grenade launcher. Kirk hollers for Lang. Another officer, not Lang, scuttles over and says, "They got Lang, sir." I don't know why that made me crack up. It was the guy's delivery. All of a sudden, Kirk has strategically-placed dirt smudges on his forehead and both cheeks. They are actually the exact size and shape of a make-up artist's thumb. Kirk gets some input from his one surviving tactician on where he should launch the grenade. The tactician then comments, "It's pretty close for one of these little jewels, Captain." "Little jewels" -- aw, he loves his blow-up toys as much as Malcolm Peed does! There's continuity for you. Kirk launches the grenade, there's a brief pause, and then a weird electronic flashing thing that signified the best the late sixties could do in terms of explosions. It can't be good to be so near that aftershock -- it looked nuclearish. Fake nuclearish, but still nuclearish. To me? It always looked like the special effects guys took a piece of clear orange plastic and waved it back and forth in front of the camera lens. The firing from the unseen enemy stops, and Sulu comms that the enemy ship is withdrawing. Kirk tells Sulu not to lose track of the ship, and orders a search party to the surface to look for survivors. They beam up.

Kirk logs that they are following the alien ship into an unexplored section of the galaxy. Meanwhile, Kirk tries to get info out of the Cestus III survivor. Given that all the other beds in sickbay are empty, he must have been the only one. The survivor doesn't know anything. The aliens attacked without warning and without explanation. The survivor gets so beside himself with overacting that Kirk tells him to calm down. Man, you know you're playing it too broad when Kirk tells you to ease up. Either that or you're stepping on too many Shattoes. Kirk confirms that the messages they received from Cestus III were all faked. Look here, Kirk and Spock already told us that -- why the reconfirmation accompanied by You Must Get Scared Now music?

"It was a trap! Getting the Enterprise to come to Cestus III, getting us and our whole crew to come ashore!" Kirk announces in his kwarters. Okay, let's be real here -- your "whole crew"? It was you, Spock, Bones, and three tacticians -- that's not even a tenth of your crew complement of eighty-some, so stop exaggerating, Kirque de Soleil. Kirk insists that the massacre at Cestus III and the attempt to put the Enterprise out of business point to only one answer: invasion. I guess he means of Earth, but he doesn't exactly say -- wait! I've got it -- it's the Xindi, isn't it? They've come to stop a destruction in their past that could happen in their future if they don't turn around, hop on one foot, and spit over their left shoulder in the present, right? Right? Spock tries to argue that there could be other explanations for such an attack -- yes, mine! -- but Kirk has already taken off his listening ear. I sense a Kirktasrophe on the schedule tonight. Finally, Spock amends that there is only one thing to do: make sure that the alien ship never reaches its home plate. Kirk agrees, and orders Sulu to overtake the alien ship. He then orders phasers loaded and primed for his firing orders. A siren goes off, and Spock looks disappointed in his captain's inability to see anything beyond the kill. Except for that bit of obviousness at the beginning, which wasn't really his but more the writers' fault, I love Nimoy's subtlety in this episode. "All hands, this is the Captain. We are going into battle. All hands to battle stations. Red alert, I repeat, red alert. This is no drill, this...is...no...drill!" Kirk announces to the ship. Can someone tell me if this is a drill?

Bridge. Sulu smugs that they're closing in on the alien ship. I'd like to mention here that because this episode was cheaper than Chinette plates at a Princess Caroline wedding of your choice, we never get to see any visual of the alien ship. A crewman reports that if you look out the window on the right side of the ship, you can see an unknown solar system coming up. However, the alien vessel is not going towards it. Uhura reports that they're being scanned by the solar system on an unusual wavelength. Nothing happens for a few seconds until Sulu reports that the alien ship slows to a complete stop. "He may be turning to fight!" Kirk salivates. Spock gives him A Look. Sulu contradicts his captain and says the ship is just sitting dead. He's also a sitting duck for a bloodthirsty captain who would shoot first and ask questions later. "Then we've got him!" Kirk crows, "Go to Red Alert [wait, I thought that whole 'this is not a drill' stuff was because they were already on Red Alert!?], then prepare to fire phaser banks!" Kirk gives more orders, and Sulu counts down their approach to the alien ship. Just before they reach firing range of the alien ship, Enteprise is forced to a complete stop. "From Warp Eight -- have you lost your mind?" Kirk says to Sulu when he reports that they're at a standstill. "Same as the alien, Captain," Spock observes. Kirk gives Spock a look like he never realized that. What a complete mental lightweight! No, I take that back -- make it "liteweight," because he's so dumb, he doesn't deserve the good spelling! Kirk demands a report from Scotty. "We're dead, Captain. Locked up. Frozen tight. All propulsion systems read zero," Scotty says. Well, you can't get any clearer than that. All other ship systems report normal; they just can't go forward. I assume they can't go backward either, or side-to-side. And doing the hokey-pokey is pretty much out of the question. Spock reports that they are being held in place by the unknown solar system. "This far out -- that's impossible!" Kirk scoffs. "We are being held," Spock repeats. Hey now, why is it impossible if they are near an unknown solar system? If it's "unknown," isn't it possible it could be populated by beings so advanced that holding a ship in place thousands of parsecs from their system could be as easy as picking their noses? Assuming they have stuff to pick. Or noses.

Kirk is really stymied when Spock says that the source of the power holding them is unidentifiable. Suddenly, the viewscreen goes psychedelic, and an echoing voice addresses them: "We are the Metrons." "Could they sound more like a rock band? Hello, Red Rock -- we! Are! The Metrons!" Mathra plays air guitar and makes noises with his mouth. Don't worry, he does have another job -- it just doesn't start until the end of September. The Metrons start what I predict is going to be a very long-winded mission statement regarding what they plan to do with the alien ship and Enterprise. Oy -- to sum up, the Metrons are bugged by the fact that both ships have come into their space with violence in their spleens. The Metrons scanned each ship and discovered that both races have truculent DNA; therefore, they plan to force the truculent ones to fight it out. The Metrons will choose the location and oversee WWF (Worldwide Wankering Federation). As a sort of afterthought, the Metrons mention that they don't have a high opinion of either race's intelligence. Both Kirk and the Captain of the Gorn ship will be sent to a planet on which there exist materials necessary to construct the crudest weapons. Heh -- weapons that sit on your couch in their underwear and burp and scratch themselves all day. They will also both be given a recording-translating device in case they feel like hashing out their differences over a flirtini. Apparently, the recording device is also there in case either opponent feels like LiveJournalling a chronicle of "Kirk vs. Gorn," which will then be linked to websites all over the universe as a future deterrent for others who might want to squat in Metronland. Furthermore, Kirk and the Gorn will be all by their lonesomes on the planet and prevented from communicating with their ships. "What makes you think you can interfere --" Kirk starts to say. "It is you who are interfering, we are just putting a stop to it," Mr. Metron says. The winner is determined by last man standing, and the loser, in addition to a one-way ticket to the fabulous and tropical getaway of The Underworld where he can drink pomegranate juice cocktails all day, gets his ship blown up. "The contest will be one of ingenuity against ingenuity. Brute strength against brute strength." "Bad costume against bad acting," Mathra snickers. "The results will be final," Mr. Metron proclaims. Kirk tries to say something. "There will be no discussion. It is done," Mr. Metron Gods. Kirk vanishes from the Bridge, and Uhura screams ear-splittingly. Oh, just sit down -- your over-acted hysteria is resented and demanded to be removed from the scene by Shatner.

Kirk reappears in California. And sees the Gorn. Oh, no. No, no, no! This is so sad. This isn't scary -- this isn't an alien to be reckoned with! This is a University of Florida mascot queened up in one of Samantha's dresses from last season! "I warned you," Mathra notes smugly. Lyle the Crocodile is modeling a really unflattering halter dress with this wild geometric pattern in golds, pinks, and oranges, and it's got a really short skirt. He's a Drag Gorn, and he's going to attitude Kirk to death, isn't he?

Vasquez Rocks rises in the background, framing Kirk and RuGorn's face-off, and Kirk brings Just Tuned In-ers up to speed by VO-ing a description of the RuGorn: "Large, reptilian -- like most humans I seem to have an instinctive revulsion to reptiles." Are you sure you aren't just seeing a little of your own Glamazon in RuGorn and maybe, just maybe, covet that figure skater's costume with a hunger too insane to be named? Kirk VOs that the he must remember RuGorn is intelligent and highly advanced, and just as he says this, RuGorn breaks a branch off from a tree. Can we discuss "intelligent and highly advanced" for a moment? RuGorn easily outweighs Kirk here by a few stone, his arms are easily thicker than Kirk's neck, and he's got really sharp teeth -- what makes him think he needs the branch? I guess the fact that RuGorn's mouth seems to be perpetually half ajar without budging an inch in either direction might be the reason why he thinks he can't Marv Albert Kirk. Kirk trots over to a tree on his side and tries to break off a branch. He struggles with a thick one, can't get it off, and opts for a skinnier one. Ahem. Kirk goes on to list RuGorn's finer qualities: "The captain of a starship, like myself, undoubtedly a dangerously clever opponent." Is Kirk talking about himself there? Because I think he's trying to imply that he too is "dangerously clever," and there's just something deep in my small intestine that doesn't want to buy that for some reason.

Then RuGorn comes toward him, hissing like an irate teapot, and Kirk throws away his stick. Ah, there's the reason. RuGorn breaks his stick on the skeleton of tree that Kirk is crouching behind, so Kirk thinks it's a fantastic idea to leap out and fully expose himself to hand-to-claw combat with the man in the lizard costume. Maybe Kirk knows something we don't, because Polly Put The Kettle On here moves like a sumo wrestler fighting his way through a jar of fruits of the forest confiture. RuGorn lurches toward Kirk and -- dude, get a load of his leather fingerless gloves! And kneepads! RuGorn is wearing KNEEPADS! I guess that sort of goes along with the Samantha ensemble. Kirk karate-chops RuGorn a few times, but nothing happens. Look at me. I'm so surprised. Kirk tries to kick RuGorn, but RuGorn grabs his leg and flings him onto some Styrofoam rocks. This slowly goes on for so long that I take the time to admire RuGorn's sparkly silver eyes -- they look like mini disco balls. I wonder if he has light spots dancing around in his brain. That could get trippy, and also minorly distracting. RuGorn gets Kirk in a clinch. See, this is where I think he should bite him, but he doesn't! I need to get in the ring with RuGorn and coach him. They float like a butterfly and sting like a bee for a bit until Kirk smacks his palms on the broad reptilian head. RuGorn grr-hisses in "pain" and releases Kirk, who runs off up Vasquez Rock. I think all Kirk really managed to do was shift the headdress slightly, and the guy inside couldn't quite see out of those bug eyes anymore. But soft! Kirk spies some foam rocks neatly lined up in a row! He makes a big show of hefting one above his head and hurls it down at RuGorn. It bounces Styrofoamly off RuGorn's shimmery dress, and RuGorn decides to show that anything Kirk can do, he can do better. He grr-hisses over to a piece of foam the size of a dinosaur egg and, as Kirk watches with interest, lifts it over his head and tosses it up at Kirk. Kirk starts to run the other way. Somewhere between the two camera shots, the boulder completely changes its trajectory in mid-air in order to barely miss pulverizing Kirk. It must have been one of those heat-seeking boulders. Either that, or RuGorn should be pitching in the majors. Kirk scampers for cover. RuGorn grr-hisses.

Enterprise. The crew can't do anything, and they can't figure out what is keeping them from doing anything.

Vasquez Rocks. Kirk uses his translator-recording device to tell his heroic couplet. He doesn't say anything we haven't already seen, but elsewhere, RuGorn clings to an outcropping and eavesdrops. Oh, and he grr-hisses. What makes me snort my Pimm's down the wrong pipe is that RuGorn looks like he's actually trying to hide as he listens in on Kirk. Kirk records, "The Metrons -- the creatures who sent us both here -- said that the surface of the planet provides the raw material...to...con-STRUCT...weapons. There'sverylittlehere...scrub brush...rocks...an abundance of mineral deposits. But...no...weapons...intheconventional SENSE." I guess it's time to think outside the girdle, Kirk. Kirk's voice trembles so much with the line -- "Still I need to find one. Bare-handed, against the Gorn, I have no chance" -- that I'm convinced they overdubbed him reading the line while lying on one of those coin-operated vibrating beds. Seriously. I would not be surprised if Shat had one of those in his trailer.

Enterprise. Spock tells Bones that all they can do is wait: "He's out there, Doctor -- out there somewhere in a thousand cubic parsecs of space and there's absolutely nothing we can do to help him." I don't know about that. You could, say, sing "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" down the comm-link, drive The Metrons insane with extreme discomfort, and then they would beg you to rescue Kirk as long as you JUST STOPPED SMILING! ["And took off that fugly neon sweatshirt." -- Sars]

Vasquez Rocks. Kirk runs near a copse of sticks and netting acting like trees, throws some sticks around in frustration, and keeps running up the face of the rock. Meanwhile, RuGorn, in an effort to show that he's got brains as well as a dancing queen dress, fiddles with an elaborate trap. If you listen carefully, you can actually hear him chuckling evilly through his grrissing. I was quite amused by that little extra. Of course, I then expected to see RuGorn lighting the vines with a ten-foot match and TNTing himself.

Somewhere in Vasquez Rocks, Kirk finds diamonds and records, "Perhaps the hardest substance known in the universe." Hey, you don't say! And all this time I thought the hardest substance in the universe was YOUR HEAD! Kirk points out that the diamonds are "beautifully crystallized and pointed, but too small to be used as a weapon." Unless they were used as projectiles exploded out of a controlled crevice with great force. Oh, sorry, I guess I should have spoiler-tagged that little bit of info. Kirk laments, "An incredible FOR-tune in stones YET I would trade THEM ALL for a hand phaser or a good solid club." It's a shame -- there's a positive dearth of clubs these days -- the last good, solid one really was The Twenty-One. And yet, well, let's face it -- getting all Dalied up in Spellbound didn't exactly do wonders for the rep. Kirk repeats that The Metrons -- he keeps calling them "The Metr-ones" as if they were a fifties revival band in green sharkskin suits with a lead singer named Matty -- told him there would be weapons on the planet, but his brain is diamond-like in it's inability to figure out where exactly these items that could destroy on a mass scale are. Wow -- how deep is that? The Metrons/George W. Bush insisted there were WMD on Vasquez Rocks/Iraq but so far, Kirk/U.N. has yet to find them! This show was SO ahead of its time. I think it only fair to let you know that I've been drinking. Deeply. Kirk runs away some more. RuGorn grrisses. I firmly believe that RuGorn's inability to close his mouth is the reason why he's such a mouth-breather. Maybe he could alleviate his sinus pressure by slapping on two-and-forty BreatheRight strips. Dude could be so much happier. And quieter.

Down below, RuGorn is busy assembling a Chuck Jones-inspired trap. Kirk looks at a boulder sitting on the very tip of the top of Vasquez Rocks' highest and most angled peak, and then looks down at RuGorn -- the wheels, they are turning. Look, I know this is Vasquez Rocks, but somehow I think The Metrons expected you to be a little more inventive -- enough with the papier-mch rocks already. Kirk sloooooowly pushes the boulder over the edge, and it bounces down. RuGorn hears a patched-in avalanche sound and looks up. Comically, he drops what he's doing and spreads his arms out to the side -- all transfixed by the falling foam -- and allows the boulder to land on him. When the dust -- piped in from the left-hand side of the screen even though the boulder fell squarely center stage -- clears, Kirk looks down on the fallen RuGorn. RuGorn must have turned completely around to check his hemline because, when the boulder fell, he was watching its descent, yet now he's lying facedown with the boulder on his back. Tricky. Kirk smiles and jumps down to check the body. Kirk obviously hasn't watched a whole lot of horror/action movies/television since everyone knows that the first "death" is never the real one. In fact, if you are so certain you killed someone that you would stand close enough for the person/creature/hobbit/tralk to grab your ankle and pull you down in order to better mutilate you, why get close at all? Why not just stay where you are -- preferably out of arm's/tongue's/weapon's reach -- and wait for The Metrons to hand over the thick belt with the huge buckle? The world may never know.

Sure enough, as Kirk nears RuGorn, the Queen Without A Country stirs, grrisses, and picks up a sharpish Gorn-made device. Kirk runs away. Straight into RuGorn E. Coyote's trap of tripping vines and large-ish falling stones. Kirk moans, groans, wriggles, and struggles to extricate himself from the big plaster of paris blanket. RuGorn stumps toward the mouse-trapped Captain and raises his Gorn-made sharp device above his head. Kirk regards him with a look of bemused detachment. Hold it, I was wrong -- those aren't knee pads, girlfriend just needs to incorporate some serious exfoliation into his daily ablutions. For some reason, RuGorn wants to move the plaster of paris rock off of his pinned victim before he stabs him. Once free, Kirk seizes the opportunity to run under RuGorn's arm just as the lizard-man starts the slow downswing with his weapon. RuGorn loses his balance and collapses on the rock. And because RuGorn takes longer to get up from a fall than Liza Minnelli, Kirk escapes. RuGorn grrisses his adenoidal way right up into the camera man's face. What an odd shot -- maybe they thought it would be scarier for the audience? "Oh, look! That gigantic piata is going to come into our living room!"

Enterprise. Spock urgently wants a conference with, and tries to contact, "The Metrones." The Metrons are at the other end of the line thinking he must be a telemarketer, because no one who knows them would mispronounce their name. At any rate, they're on a Do Not Call list, so no one responds to Spock.

Kirk runs up the rocks and stops to record this moment in history. There's this weird yellow powder all over the rocks -- it looks like someone spilled a package of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Kirk records, "This may be my last entry. I am almost exhausted. Unless I find the weapon The Metrone mentioned, I have very little time left." You're sitting in it -- it's the cheesiest! RuGorn is still unable to break himself of his nasty little eavesdropping habit. Kirk dabs at the dehydrated cheese and sniffs it. Kirk's mouth doesn't move as his overdub dubs, "Native sulfur, diamonds -- this place is a mineralogist's dream! Yet...there...is...something...aboutsulfur. Somethingveryold. IF only...Icouldremember." Kirk hobbles away without remembering that what he was trying to recall is that sulfur smells like farts. And not just any farts. Farts that have specifically been trapped in a minivan and driven from Minnesota to Seattle in ninety-eight degree heat with no hope of escape.

Enterprise. Bones gets more and more irritated: "It is just inconceivable that we are immobilized!" You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. The Metrons ring them up, saying, "We are The Metrons. Not The Metr-ones. That is all." Okay, well, they do start by saying, "We are the Metrons" -- as if anyone else would be calling Enterprise at this ungodly hour -- and let them know that Kirk is losing the battle. "We would suggest you make any memorial arrangements, if any, which are customary in your culture," the Metrons say. That is so thoughtful -- just like Balock's offer in "The Corbomite Maneuver" -- they meet the nicest aliens! Bones appeals to them in the name of civilization to put a stop to these shenanigans. "Your violent intent and actions demonstrate that you are not civilized. However, we are not without compassion. It is possible you might have feelings toward your captain. So you will be able to prepare yourself, we will allow you to see and hear what is now transpiring," the Metron says. Wait, that's showing compassion -- making them watch their captain die a grisly death? The Metrons clearly stayed in for a jam session the night Clockwork Orange opened up. The psychedelicness of the Metrons' signal fades to show RuGorn grrissing merrily along Vasquez Rocks. Uhura throws the back of her hand up to her mouth. With that sort of gesture, I expected to see RuGorn twirling his moustache and rubbing his hands together.

From here on out, we watch MetronTV and see the Kirk events unfolding on Enterprise's viewscreen. Bones laments that they can't contact Kirk. And what would they say if they could? "There's a big gecko costume following you"? I believe he already knows that. Metron-Cam shows Kirk languishing delicately on some white powder-covered rocks. You know, if they weren't so intent on annihilating each other, they could take a page from Alice Waters and concentrate on the local produce -- a little Kraft Macaroni and Cheese there, and now this powdered milk here -- just add some water and cut up hot dogs and have a nice civilized meal. I'll bet your bottom dollar that's what the Metrons were really getting at -- in actuality, they are party planners. Spock ruins my little dream by saying that the white powder is potassium nitrate. Bones is all, "You're taking a geological survey at a time like this?!" Because, of course, doctors know nothing about chemistry.

Then from Spock's mouth to Kirk's ear, because at that precise moment, Kirk notices the powdered milk and starts examining it. He tastes it and spits it back out. I don't know about the captain of a warp-drive starship that boldly goes into major grammatical errors, but we were taught in A.P. Chem never to put any unknown substance in your mouth. Maybe it's okay to do it when you're stranded in California with a steroidal Izod tracking you. It's a preppie's worst nightmare -- right after learning that Polo collars haven't been worn in the upright position since 1983. Kirk gets an idea, and smirks. He starts running down the rocks, but stops short when he hears RuGorn grrissing, "Earthling! Captain!" Kirk wonders aloud if it is "The Metrone." "This is your opponent, Earthling. I have heard every word you have sssssaid," RuGorn says. Kirk grabs his recorder-translator and asks what RuGorn wants. "I weary of the chasssse. Wait for me, I sssshall be merccccciful and quick!" RuGorn promissssessss. "Like you were at Cestus III?" Kirk counters. "You were intruding! You esssstablisssshed an outposssst in our ssssspaccccce!" RuGorn informsssss him. On Enterprise, Spock frowns. "You butchered helpless human beings," Kirk yells. "We dessstroyed invadersssss asssss I sssshall dessstroy you!" RuGorn announcccccessss. Without another word, Kirk reattaches the recording-translating device to his belt and limps off. Back at the star paddock, Bones wonders if what RuGorn is saying is true: "Was Cestus III an intrusion on their space?" I think it's a sign that I've been watching too much Sex and the City from Netflix, because that sounded exactly like Carrie's question of the week. "It may well be possible, Doctor, we know very little about that section of the galaxy," Spock answers. Then why the hell did the Federation put an unprotected outpost there? Did they go to The Jonathan Archer Institute of Captaining and Furrowing? Bones figures that that means they could be in the wrong here, and Spock agrees, "That is something best decided by diplomats." "The Gorn may simply have been trying to protect themselves," Bones adds.

The Bridge Crew turn their attention back to the screen, where Kirk has returned to his copse of sticks and netting acting like trees. He tosses a few aside and pulls out a short wide one, which was conveniently lying in the middle of the copse. "Fascinating," Spock says. I, too, find it fascinating that Kirk found a bamboo rain stick from The Nature Company just lying around. I mean, didn't The Nature Company go out of business years ago? "Good, GOOD!" Spock encourages as Kirk plays around with some rope he found lying by the copse. "He knows, Doctor. He has reasoned it out," Spock tells Bones. Spock, I'm experiencing an odd sensation: you are actually starting to annoy me now -- please shut up. I'm sorry! Don't hate me, just stop talking. "Yes, yes!" Spock goes on, intent on destroying the flower of love I nurture, water, and manure for him. "What is it, Spock!?" Bones demands, fed up with the Vulcan's ambiguity. "Invention, Doctor. First potassium nitrate [cut to a scene of Kirk gathering powdered milk] and now if he can find some sulfur and a charcoal deposit, or ordinary coal..." Spock explains. Kirk gathers his stuff together and goes hunting for Spock's shopping list. RuGorn grrisses around. The Metrons must have Bunim or Murray doing their editing -- they seem to have a compelling ability to cut back and forth between the two contenders.

Kirk drops to his knees and starts picking up pieces of plastic. "What's he doing now?" Bones asks. "Diamonds, the hardest known substance. Impelled by sufficient force, they would make formidable projectiles," Spock explains. "What force?" Bones demands. Well, Kirk could poke one into his ass, eat some of your whisky and beans, aim himself at RuGorn, and just let Nature take its course. "Recall your basic chemistry, Doctor, gunpowder," Spock tells him. Oh. Fine, but I still think my way's more inventive. If he can find powdered milk and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, I see no reason why he can't find whisky and beans lying around. RuGorn threatenssss Kirk some more over the recorder-translator, but Kirk chooses to ignore him. RuGorn's mouth continues to move slightly, even though he's stopped talking. I guess wearing a head-to-toe balaclava doesn't give you much protection from bad overdubbing. Kirk loads up his rain stick with the powdered cheese and diamonds and, in the middle of limping across the rocks, spies some black stuff in the rocks. He sticks that in as well. "Coal," Spock tells us. Painstakingly, Kirk assembles and loads his cannon. RuGorn grrisses nearer. "Can he do it?" Bones wonders. "If he has the time, Doctor. If he has the time," Spock answers. Must you repeat every line? MUST you repeat EVERY LINE? Kirk bangs his recorder-translator against the coal. A wisp of smoke appears on some bark. Kirk blows. On the wisp of smoke. And in general. Kirk sees RuGorn grrissing a few yards away and closing in, so he points the rain stick and slaps the smoking bark against the outside of the rain stick. It explodes. Huh? Yeah, well, in science fiction, I guess it's enough if they get it half right.

RuGorn has been staggering down the catwalk this whole episode so, at this point, it's pretty hard to tell if he's actually been hurt. With the report, Kirk throws himself back on the rocks and takes note of RuGorn, who is now lying on the ground. This being death number two, it is now safe and advisable for Kirk to scrabble over and pick up RuGorn's weapon. He holds it above the weakly grrissing RuGorn. But then he reconsiders. "No, I won't kill you," Kirk tells him. "Maybe you thought you were protecting yourself when you attacked the outpost." Kirk stands up and limps away. "No, I won't kill him -- do you hear? You'll have to get your entertainment some...place else!" Kirk shouts to the sky. RuGorn vanishes from the ground. You knew he couldn't die -- they made him into a stuffed animal, after all.

Up on a peak, a tall, pale man with hair like the face stamped on my leather hardback of Bulfinch's Mythology models a white sparkly dress and silver lace-up sandals. The Queen is dead -- long live the Queen! "You're a Metrone"? Kirk asks. MET-RON, YOU IDIOT!! THEY. ARE. METRONS!! God. "Does my appearance surprise you, Captain?" Kirk blinks and gives him the once-over: "You seem more like a boy." Oh, does he now? Well, when in Greece. And by the way, this thing is so Budget-Rent-An-Ep that ChlorBoyMetron must be standing in front of or behind glass, because you can see his sparklies reflected in it. His dress sparklies. "I am approximately fifteen hundred of your Earth years old," ChlorBoyMetron responds. They always have to be phantasmagorically older, don't they? They can never be younger and simply more intelligent because their brains happen to develop differently. ChlorBoyMetron goes on to say that Kirk surprised him by sparing his enemy and "showing the advanced trait of mercy." Oh, god -- I just had a nightmarish flashback. There's something about that voice and those sparklies...EW! EWW! My instinct was horribly wish-I-were-dead on! The voice for ChlorBoyMetron is the exact same one used for Scary Baby Man!

Accompanied by Tinkerbellish-Turn-The-Page harpsichord chimes, ChlorBoyMetron tells Kirk there may be a glimmer of hope for his kind: "Therefore, you will not be destroyed, it would not be...civilized." Well, duh -- he's technically the winner and is therefore allowed to live. Kirk smiles through his powder keg facial and asks what happened to RuGorn. "I sent him back to his ship. If you like, I shall destroy him for you," ChlorBoyMetron drones. But wouldn't that show that the quality of mercy is not strained through a sieve, and that the Metrons don't practice what they preach from the Mount? But I guess ChlorBoyMetron is still testing this idiophone. Kirk doesn't feel like destroying any more things today, and decides that maybe humans and Gorn can chin-wag their way to an agreement. "Very good, Captain. There is hope for you," ChlorBoyMetron condescends. "Perhaps in several thousand years your people and mine shall meet to reach an agreement. You're still half savage but there is hope. We will contact you when we are ready." That's the higher-being equivalent of, "Don't call us, we'll call you."