Enterprise S02E29

Okay, I picked this one because the title and the premise really freaked my knife-scarred clogs off. If it weren't for Shatner and his Kirkified acting, this could easily have been The Twilight Zone. In space. With a hot Vulcan Science Officer. As it is, it's really great birth control.

Kirk, Spock, and Bones beam down to the ubiquitous brown carpet and Westminster Presbyterian Church's castoff scenery from our seventh grade rendition of the parable "A Rock and Hard Place" to investigate the whys and wherefores of a distress call they received from a Federation science station on a planet called "Triacus." See how I'm already making with the Biblical references this early in the episode? That's what two years of confirmation classes where they talked about masturbation being a time to see God will do for you. The Triacus Trio surveys the carnage. Bodies with no visible wounds lie everywhere as the spray-painted balsa wood gently smokes. The away team checks out the bodies, and Kirk notices one of them still moving. "Professor Starnes!" Kirk calls out. Prof. Starnes lurches toward him, clutching a gun, with no sign of recognition on his face. The professor collapses on some fake rocks. Bones scans him: "He's dead, Captain." Kirk comments that he didn't seem to know him. After Kirk takes some sort of box from around the professor's neck, they roll over one of the women. Her face looks bruised and dirty. Kirk takes a vial from her mouth, sniffs it, and hands it over to Bones, who also sniffs it and whispers, "Cyalodin!" "Self-inflicted," Kirk states, and turns on the box he took from the professor. A tiny screen shows that this planet did not have basic cable, and some guy's voice cries out, "We must destroy ourselves. The alien is upon us -- the enemy from within -- the enemy!" Kirk again states that everyone is dead from mass suicide. You know, I don't see anyone with punch mouth, so I'm going to withhold my opinion for now. At this point, the sound of laughing children reaches them. A carpool load of underagers runs happily through the bodies of their parents and stops when they see alive grown-ups. That scene really disturbed me. The tallest kid -- a shoo-in for Huck Finn with red hair and freckles -- asks who Kirk is. Kirk tells him, and Huck Fink introduces himself as "Tommy Starnes," then introduces the rest of Our Gangsters. The one called "Mary" with blond pigtails tugs at Kirk and insists that he play with them. The kids form a ring around Kirk and play "Ring Around the Rosie." Spock, Bones, and Kirk all exchange disquieted looks. I'm with you, dudes. The kids laugh and squeal and continue on with their game. Kirk stands there and looks very upset.

The camera pans to show us headstones for all the murder-suicided adults, and, just like Khan's supermen, they're all pointedly multicultural names: "Jankowski," "O'Connell," "Tsing Tao"...wait, isn't that Mathra's favorite East Asian beer? The United Colors of Benetton kids stand by and don't look upset. Kirk's VO says that everyone has been deeply affected by the events, "with some important exceptions." The camera shows the kids looking bored. They nudge one another and suggest they go and play. They run off laughing and squealing. Kirk, Spock, and Bones mull over the idea that the only reason the kids are acting so oddly is that they are suffering from shock and are suppressing the knowledge that their parents are dead. Spock opines, "Humans do have a great capacity for believing what they choose and excluding that which is painful." Case in point: Kirk's desire to order Corned Beef Slash on pumpernickel every time he looks at Spock. Discuss. "Not these children, to this extent -- it's incredible!" Kirk argues the case against. "What those children saw is incredible," Bones insists, "the way those deaths occurred -- any reaction is possible, including Lacunar Amnesia. That's my diagnosis and until specific tests can be made, it remains that." Well, as soon as you know that there are tests, you know that his diagnosis will be disproved. Kirk says he'll go with that theory for now and wonders if they should question the little hoydens. Bones is very much against that, thinking that if they are forced this early to come face-to-face with what happened, they could suffer permanent damage. I think they're going to suffer that no matter what time they come face-to-face with these events. Kirk lets the matter drop. One of the kids runs over and topples the Federation memorial flag Kirk had erected. The kid apologizes and scampers off again. Kirk tells the children to go back to the ship with the doctor. They whine, but Kirk insists. Bones and the kids leave.

"Whatever happened here is locked up inside those children," Kirk says, staring off into the bluescreen. "The attack on Professor Starnes's party must surely have been unprovoked," Spock says. "'Attack'?" Kirk repeats. "Mass suicide is what it seems to be." "I stand corrected, Captain, induced would a more precise term. Induced by an outside force," Spock responds. Kirk asks him to elaborate, which Spock does, hypothesizing, "The release of bacteria or a helpless mental depression and a state of suicidal anxiety could have been chemically induced." Kirk wonders why the children would remain unaffected, and Spock doesn't know but thinks it's not impossible. "Then the children would have been exempted by conscious design!" Kirk thinks. Spock agrees. "And their present behavior explained by a fear of punishment," Kirk goes on. "Or the promise of award," Spock finishes. What -- like a Pudding Pop? Whatever happened to those, by the way? I loved them! They had just chocolate and just vanilla and then they had chocolate-vanilla swirl. Butterscotch was nasty, though. I hate it when they get rid of perfectly delicious powdered frozen food. Kirk asks for confirmation that the planet is uninhabited, and Spock thinks that as far as they know at this point, it is uninhabited. At this conveeenient moment, Spock's tricorder beeps, and he gets a reading of a disturbance coming from a nearby cave.

They go to the cave. Spock's certain he's not picking up human lifeforms, but can't figure out what he is picking up. Crabs? Or as one erstwhile poster would put it, "clams"? "The readings do not correlate with any known information," Spock says. Kirk clutches at himself and says, "Oh, that's strange. That's...very...strange." Kirk twitches like he ate some bad mussels and says he's getting a feeling of anxiety from the cave. He shakes it off and admits that it doesn't sound very scientific, but it's strongest where he is standing. He backs away, and Spock says he's not aware of it. Well, duh, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable! Kirk thinks the weird feeling of anxiety could be what is registering on Spock's tricorder. "I'm not familiar with anxiety but I was not aware that it could be registered on sensors," Spock says, completely unruffled-with-ridges. Kirk steps back to the place where he said the anxiety was strongest and says, "No, of course, that's -- that's me. It's me. But what's causing your tricorder to react?" Kirk runs out of the cave and breathes deeply. Spock follows him out and asks if he's okay. Kirk laughs nervously and says he's fine: "Just some sympathetic vibration with what's happened here." He gestures vaguely at the freshly dug graves. Are you sure it wasn't the romantic lighting in the Blue Grotto? They go back to the ship so Kirk can check out Starnes's tape recorder, "and I'm going to question those children!" Didn't Bones just warn him off of that idea? He never listens!

In some plant-filled lunchroom where they will most certainly have butter pats stuck to the ceiling in no time at all, Nurse Chapel gives the children ice cream. Speaking of futuristic ice cream, has anyone heard of or tried Dippin' Dots? I saw this whole thing on Unwrapped about them, and they sound really weird but it made me want to try them in the worst way. I also learned how important it is that they are "Dippin'" rather than "Dipp-ing" Dots. It's not that interesting a story, really. Kirk walks in and tries to be jolly: "Well, well, well, you're all having such a good time!" I think I'll ruin it by making you remember how you murdered your parents horribly! Kirk trying to win favor with small children is funny. "This is better than Triacus, isn't it?" Kirk asks. "That dirty old planet?" one of the kids crabs. "What's so good about that place?" another kid -- can't tell if it's a boy or a girl -- asks. "You weren't there very long, you don't know," Mary says to Kirk. Kirk suggests that their parents didn't like it very much either, to which all the children replied that their parents liked it too much. "Parents like stupid things!" one kid announces. "Oh, I don't know about that," Nurse Chapel says, bringing Kirk his ice cream, "parents like children." Right, the kid should have said "annoying, murderous things." Thanks, Christine. "Ha! That's what you think!" Mary contradicts. Kirk tries to wheedle information out of the kids by saying that the reason the kids were on Triacus is that their parents loved them too much to be away from them: "They'd miss you. I'm sure that you would miss them, too." Now point out that their parents are dead and buried and never coming back. The kids look quietly at one another. Huck Fink gives Kirk a hard look before chanting, "Bizzy! Bizzy!" All the kids stand up and join in. Is this Generation NX-01's equivalent of "Herbert! Herbert!"?

The kids keep chanting as they run around the room. "Guess what we are!" one kid says to Nurse Chapel. Nurse Chapel offers, "A swarm of bees?" She doesn't get a response, just more chanting. "Watch out!" Mary cries out. "I'll sting you!" She attacks Kirk, who lifts her up as she violently stabs at him with her forefinger. Okaaaay -- and that freakish little Game of Transference is never explained later. Kirk grabs Mary's hand to make her stop and says, "Now wait a minute!" Huck Fink suddenly asks, "Can we have some more ice cream, please?" Kirk refuses, saying it will spoil their food cubes. "See what I toldja? They all say it!" Huck Fink says. "Yeaaah," Mary says, bitterly. Kirk tells Nurse Chapel to take them to their quarters for a rest, but asks that Huck Fink stay behind. Kirk ascertains from Huck Fink that when he saw his father that last day, his father was very upset but Huck didn't ask him what was wrong. "He was always upset -- just like you, Captain Kirk," Huck Fink says, raising an eyebrow. Kid needs to be slapped into the middle of week. That was an expression of my grandmother's -- yes, the one who invented the term "dinners" -- that got perpetuated down the line. When my mother said it, it meant we were in so much trouble that not even fake crying helped. Thank god my mother didn't do the other thing my grandmother was known for doing, though. When my mother and her younger brother were acting up in the backseat of the car, Grandma would swing her big ol' purse behind her -- without looking, I might add -- in the hopes of smacking them in the heads. My mother said they learned to duck.

Kirk says he's not upset, and he wouldn't have invited Huck Fink and his friends aboard his ship if he didn't like them. "You have your reasons," Huck Fink snips. Kirk asks if Huck Fink is unhappy to be leaving Triacus, but Huck Fink goes on a tirade about how much he hated the place. "Aren't you upset about leaving your parents?" Kirk asks. "My parents? They love it down there -- always busy," Huck Fink says angrily, "they're happy. Can I go now? I'm tired too, y'know!" Kirk lets him go. There's some awfully big suppression going on there if he thinks his parents are currently happy. Kirk orders security to post a guard on the children and have them watched at all times. So, like a babysitter with a phaser? I may have done more babysitting if I'd had that option.

In their quarters, the children form a circle and chant, "Hail, hail, fire and snow, call the angel, we will go, far away, for to see, friendly angel come to me. Hail. Hail." There's a quiver of green light, and then some man in a long cape with Louis Rukeyser hair shudders greenly before them and says, "You have done very well, my friends. You have done what must be done. You have come aboard the Enterprise. Now, our destination is a Federation settlement. Captain Kirk will undoubtedly choose a closer station, do not let that deter you. Marcos XII has millions of people on it. Nearly a million will join us as our friends. The rest will be our enemies. Together with our other friends, who will join us, we will defeat our enemies as we defeated them on Triacus. A million friends on Marcos will make us invincible. No one will tell us where to go, when to sleep. The universe will be mine to command, yours to play in. To accomplish --" Oh, my god -- shut UP already! That's gotta be the longest-winded evil speech I've ever heard! I can't believe that, one, the children even know what "deter" means, and two, that they are sitting through it without fidgeting! Sheesh! To paraphrase Buffy, "We get it, you're evil!" Louis Pukeyser goes on for a few more lines, telling the children that they have to control they crew -- apparently, they already know how to do this -- and chants "so shall you do" as the kids pound their fists on the table in time to Louis Pukeyser's chant. Man, after that Cult of Bughouseality, I'm surprised they don't develop preternaturally blue eyes and whacked-out blond dye jobs.

Bridge. Enterprise maintains an orbit around the planet, and there are no late-breaking dodgy dossiers coming in from the security team. Spock walks onto the Bridge to say he has creatively edited Professor Starnes's tapes so they will play like an episode of Joe Millionaire. But without the blowjobs and pearl necklaces. "Among the scientific facts he gathered, Professor Starnes also offered some rather unscientific hypotheses," Spock says. Oh my heavens, a professor of science offering "unscientific hypotheses"? Something's clearly rotten in the state of Kirk's pants. Professor Starnes's videos illustrate that ever since the explorers arrived on Triacus, the adults had been experiencing feelings of anxiety that compounded as time went on. Spock thinks Kirk would find the final recording most interesting. In this one, Prof. Starnes says that whatever civilization was there before them, it appears that one of them may have taken refuge in a cave, "and for our efforts, we are only becoming more apprehensive."

It's at this point that a security guard escorts Huck Fink onto the Bridge, who, when he sees his father's recording, makes a fist and starts to pound it in the air as though he were gearing up for Rock Paper Scissors. Starnes's recording continues, but starts to experience technical difficulties as Huck Fink can't remember which beats scissors. All his father gets out is, "As if some unseen force were influencing us," before the screen goes blank. Spock tries to get the recording back, and Kirk turns away to come chin-to-forehead with Huck Fink. Kirk is a bit startled to see him. Huck Fink asks Kirk to take them to Marcos XII, but Kirk refuses, saying he's taking them to a starbase. "But I have relatives on Marcos XII," Huck Fink whines. Kirk apologizes and says, "But Marcos XII is not in our patrol area." Okay, Buffy. Kirk tells Spock that the two of them will continue with their business in his quarters. Huck Fink asks to stay on the Bridge to watch, and Kirk allows it and leaves after directing Mr. Leslie to oversee the little scourge. Huck Fink stands between Sulu and Chekov -- who smile and greet him -- and starts playing Rock Paper Scissors again. Sulu's eyes roll around and he pushes some buttons on his console. An outside shot shows Enterprise leaving the planet's orbit. Huck Fink starts Rock Paper Scissoring in Chekov's direction when Mary comes onto the Bridge with her security guard. She nods at Huck. The viewscreen still shows Triacus, and Huck asks what it is. "That's the planet, Triacus," Sulu slurs. "Will we see that all the time we stay here?" Huck asks. "Yes, we will," Chekov says, staring intently at the screen, "all the time we're here." In case we didn't fully catch on the first time, Mary says, "He sees Triacus on the screen." "He thinks he sees it," Huck smirks. Mary smirks back. I just remembered why Mary is so familiar -- she played another disturbed kid in The Beguiled with Clint Eastwood. That was one odd movie.

Kirk's Kwarters. Spock, Bones, and Kirk again watch Prof. Starnes's last entry where he freaks out: "Being influenced to do things that don't make sense. I even went so far as to call Starfleet Command to request a spaceship to be used as a transport. It was only when I couldn't tell them what I wanted to transport that I began to realize that my mind was being directed. I decided to send a dispatch to Starfleet. To warn them. Oh, God forgive us -- we must destroy ourselves! Alien upon us! The enemy from within -- the enemy!" And that's all, he wrote. Spock turns off the screen and says that the dispatch to Starfleet was never sent. Spock opines that whatever assaulted them did it with great speed, because that is the only explanation why the Professor -- who was a slave to the pursuit of truth -- never recorded the experience. Kirk thinks Starnes's pursuit of the truth could be what destroyed him. "It's possible, Captain," Spock agrees, "evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth." "Or by misleading the innocent," Bones adds. "'Misleading the innocent'?" Kirk repeats. "I wonder." Bones spells out that Kirk is thinking the children are involved in these shenanigans. Kirk thinks so, and asks Spock about the race that supposedly lived on the planet a long time ago. "According to the legend, Triacus was the seat of a band of marauders who made constant war throughout the system of Epsilon Indi. After many centuries, the destroyers were themselves destroyed by those they had preyed upon," Spock recites. "Is that the end of it?" Kirk asks. Of course not. Spock goes on to say, "No, like so many legends, this one too has a frightening ending. It warns that the evil is awaiting a catalyst to set it again into motion and sending it marauding across the galaxy." Wait, how? If the destroyers were destroyed, what exactly is awaiting a "catalyst"? Flashbacks? Hurt feelings? A whiff of Joop! sending you on acid trips down memory lane? Kirk wants to know if it's possible that the evil found its catalyst. Spock reminds him that he was speaking of a legend, to which Kirk says that legends are grounded in facts. "I think I read you, Jim, but as Medical Officer, I must warn you that unless the normal grief is tapped and released from these children you are treading dangerously," Bones says very seriously. "I understand your diagnosis, Doctor, and I'll respect it," Kirk says. However, there's something so dismissive in his tone that I don't think he plans on respecting Bones at all. "But not to the exclusion of the safety of the Enterprise, thank you," Kirk finishes. There it is. Bones and Spock look at each other, and Bones stomps out. Man, in these episodes, Kirk flat-out ignores Bones's advice and knowledge so frequently, I'm surprised the good doc never went on strike.

Transporter room. Two redshirts stand on the pad awaiting orders to become bloodstains on the spandex of history. "Your tour of duty will last one hour. Be prepared with your communicators at all times to report any alien beings. Don't wait to investigate," Kirk tells them, and orders the transporter chief to beam them down. Whoa, now, wait a minute -- they aren't orbiting the planet anymore, so did those guys just get beamed into space? In the course of plotting the coordinates of their transport, wouldn't the transporter chief be alerted to the fact that they were too far away from those points on the planet? Kirk orders the security detachment beamed up from the plant. The transporter chief nods and tries, but nothing happens. Spock takes a look at the console and fiddles. He discovers that he is unable to lock down the proper coordinates. "Why not?" Kirk lame-brains. "It appears we are no longer orbiting Triacus," Spock explains. "That's impossible -- if we're not orbiting Triacus, then the men I beamed down --" Kirk stops. Yes, they're spacekill. "Are dead!" Kirk finishes. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to. "Captain, we are no longer orbiting Triacus," Spock repeats. Spock activates the viewscreen and sees the lack of a planet. Kirk calls the Bridge to tell Sulu what they aren't orbiting. Sulu tries to respectfully disagree, as he still sees the planet on his viewscreen. All the children are assembled on the Bridge. Just standing there. Acting creepy. Kirk says he's on his way.

Kirk and Spock dart onto the Bridge and see the kids doing their "call the angel" mantra. The "It's So Easy Being Green" Louis Pukeyser appears. I really hope he's not going to give another interminable speech -- I just don't have the patience. Aaaand it's a long speech. Here's the gist: Louis Pukeyser tells the Dead End Kids that their plan has been found out by "the enemy," but that they now have control of the ship and should continue making their way to Marcos XII. The brats are instructed that if the enemy resists, they should "call upon their beasts" for help just as they did on Triacus. Kirk stares at the children as they raptly absorb their directions. Louis Pukeyser quivers out again after saying that they should call on him if they need his help. Huck Fink tells the kids to "go to [their] stations," and tells Mary to stay with him. The kids leave. A security detail leaves with them.

Kirk leans on his chair and silently observes all of this. Then Kirk tells Sulu to ignore what he sees on the screen and set a course for Starbase IV. Huck Fink starts up with Rock Paper Scissors again and Sulu boggles at what he sees on the screen. He sees swords. How this is scary and not just corny, I haven't the slightest clue. The swords come toward the screen, but they don't appear to be 3-D, so I still don't get why this should stop Sulu from following orders. Kirk asks Sulu if he heard him. "Yes, sir," Sulu says, transfixed. Dude, stop being such a wimp -- the blades aren't even pointed out toward you, the hilts are! If anything, that makes them polite swords. Kirk orders Uhura to contact Starbase IV to tell them that they are bringing the children: "Tell Starfleet Command I suspect them of being alien in nature and I want a thorough investigation made upon our arrival." Uhura turns to obey and catches sight of herself in a mirror on her panel. Has that always been there? What a weird place to be vain. Maybe she thinks she can check her rearview traffic. Like when Kirk is riding her tail. Huck Fink Rock Paper Scissorses at her, and suddenly Uhura sees herself as an old and decrepit woman with makeup recalling the crustiness of Tammy Faye. Kirk sees Uhura pause and rushes to her, asking what she's staring at. "I see my death," Uhura says. Death? Old age, perhaps. The need for some serious Retnova, I agree. But death? Not really. Stop over-dramatizing, woman. "A long death -- disease and pain," Uhura continues. Kirk shakes her and tells her to snap out of it. "Captain, don't let it be!" Uhura pleads. Kirk tells Spock to make the call as Uhura covers her face with her hands and sobs.

Kirk walks over to Sulu and reminds him that he ordered him to change course. Sulu is still horrified by bad videogame effects. Kirk, just reach over and change it yourself -- clearly, your crew is completely incapacitated! Kirk tries to grab Sulu, who shoves him off and tells him to stay away from the controls: "If you touch them, we'll be destroyed!" Kirk grabs Sulu's face and tells him there's nothing there. Spock looks up calmly and asks why they're bothering Starfleet. Kirk realizes that Spock is under the RPS influence as well. So, what -- Kirk is the ONLY one not affected at this point? That's crap! Spock's the one with the highly ordered and logical noodle, and Kirk -- well, Kirk's just a noodle.

Kirk reminds Spock that he gave him an order, but Spock thinks that as the Bridge is under complete control, there is no need to call Starfleet. "'Complete control'?" Kirk repeats. "Take a look around you!" Spock does and then frowns slightly. He goes to reach for the controls, but is stopped by Huck Fink's Rock Paper Scissors. Spock's hand quivers with effort and he pulls his hand back. He turns around and says, "I cannot obey your order, Captain." Uhura continues to see herself in an ad for Geritol Complete, and Sulu continues to think they are flying through a Sword Shower. See? This is exactly why Picard wouldn't allow kids on the bridge.

Kirk walks over to a guard and tells the guard to take Sulu to his quarters, as Kirk is relieving him of duty. Huck Fink RPSes, and Kirk's speech comes out garbled to the guard's ears. The guard just stares at him. Kirk repeats his garble. The guard doesn't do anything. His expression doesn't even change. Don't you think he would react to such a weird situation? At least blink? Spock also seems to be hearing the gobbledygook; he puts his two fingers up to his temple and squints. Somehow, he is able to cut through the bullshit and hear what Kirk is saying. "Did you hear me?!" Kirk yells, shaking the guard, who again remains as impassive as the guards in front of Buckingham Palace. Kirk turns to face Huck Fink, who throws a little RPS action his way. Kirk suddenly clasps his hand in front of himself, locks his whole body, and adopts a very paranoid expression. I suddenly deeply regretted my choice of a Dark and Stormy tonight, because the Jamaican Ginger Beer ripped me a new windpipe as I guffawallowed. His stance is nigh indescribable -- the best way to give you the exact vision is to say that it looks like Shatner was about to do a Saturday Night Fever shotgun move, but had a small fit halfway through which severely truncated his final execution. Spock walks over to Kirk. Kirk flinches as he nears and backs away. "Captain, we must get off this Bridge," Spock suggests. "Yes, we must," Kirk whimpers, still holding himself. "I'm losing control. I'm losing my ability to command. I'm losing the Enterprise!" Spock takes Kirk into the turbolift, where he freaks out even more. He hugs himself up against the wall and hides behind Spock. He repeats that he's losing command and then wrenches himself away from Spock and flails against another wall. "My ship is sailing on and on!" Kirk grabs at himself. "I'm alone...alone...I'm losing command!" Kirk looks nothing more like a toad scared shitless in this scene -- all squashy and bug-eyed. Spock tries to snap him out of it, but Kirk decides to freak into the past tense, "I've lost command! I've lost the Enterprise!" Spock steps toward him, and Kirk flings himself on Spock's neck and pants. "Jim," Spock says in his ear. Kirk looks up into Spock's face -- they're gonna kiss! They're gonna kiss! -- and realizes what a compromising position he's in. He says, "I've got command. I've got command." Yeah, but of what? A nice pink slab of Corned Beef Slash on a large, firm baguette? Kirk lets Spock go and says, "I've got command." "Correct, Captain," Spock responds. They step off the turbolift. "Where to, Captain?" Spock asks. Kirk's Kwarters for a kwickie? "Auxiliary control, my Vulcan friend, this ship is off course," Kirk pants. Oh. Too bad. Note how he felt the need to say "my Vulcan friend"? That whole scene was quite comical, but damn, all this ham and Corned Beef Slash is going to turn me into a vegetarian.

Auxiliary Control. Kirk orders Scotty to override the Bridge and plot a course to the Starbase. Scotty freaks that he can't because they would be forever lost. Spock frowns, and they note one of the brats squatting behind the screen, playing RPS. "Go away now, go away or we'll kill you!" Scotty says. He knows about Kirk's clinch with Spock in the turbolift and is now clearly punishing the whole ship for Kirk's infidelity. Kirk tries to get Scotty to listen to reason, but Scotty's not buying it. Kirk rushes the console but is tossed back by another engineer. And another engineer. Somehow Spock and Kirk throw off Scotty and the two engineers and back out of AuxCon. The brat glares after them.

In the hallway, Spock puts a hand on Kirk's arm. "No. I'm all right, Spock, my beast is finished -- it won't return." Kirk assures him. Too...many...jokes...must...slash...Kirk! I'll just say that all it would take is a small pill to get Kirk's "beast" to return. Spock thinks that as long as the Brat Pack is on board, there is danger. "Spock, they're not the alien beings, they're children being misled," Kirk protests. Spock disagrees: "They are followers -- without followers, evil cannot spread." "They're children!" Kirk says again. Is he that stupid? Give all the brats a time-out in the brig already! Spock reminds him that the four hundred and thirty people aboard the ship are endangered by those children. "They don't understand the evil that they are doing," Kirk amends lamely. Spock will buy that, "but the evil that is within them is spreading fast. And unless we can find a way to remove it --" "We'll have to kill them," Kirk finishes. Kirk looks over to see Huck Fink leading Chekov and two security officers their way. Chekov loudly tells Kirk that Starfleet Command has instructed him to put him and Spock under arrest. Kirk shoves the idea of being manacled to Spock out of his head and asks when the Ruskie heard this order. Chekov looks over at Huck Fink, who doesn't do anything but look petulantly evil. And this is why I don't want kids. Kirk orders Chekov to realize that the order is as false as his hair and to go back to his station. Chekov apologizes and says he must insist on placing Kirk under arrest. Chekov whips out a gun. In the background, Huck Fink is doing more RPSing. I so want to do that on his face now! He looks exactly like a schoolyard bully I knew. Chekov says he doesn't want to use the gun, but he will if he has to.

Huck Fink RPSes some more. Chekov and Kirk yell and argue at each other until Spock steps forward, and he and Kirk attack Chekov and the security detail. There's a scuffle. Huck Fink RPSes. I dearly hope he's going to get a repetitive stress injury soon. Spock pinches a guy and Kirk straddles another one, about to deliver a final punch, when Spock orders him, "Enough!" Kirk uncocks his pulled fist. That was weird. Maybe he didn't like seeing Kirk straddle someone else? Huck Fink realizes he's been bested and runs off. A tousled Kirk tells Spock to put the men in detention and then join him on the Bridge.

Bridge. Huck Fink grins from his position in Kirk's chair. Kirk steps on the Bridge and tells Huck Fink that they will never go to Marcos XII. "The crew will take us there, the crew believes," Huck Fink smirks. Kirk spins the chair around angrily and says, "The crew! Does not understand! WhenwemakethemunderstandasIunderstand. They. Won't. Take. You. To. Marcos!" Mary and Huck Fink start screaming and RPSing, "They will! They will! They will!" Shut up already! That Mary has such an annoyingly shrill voice, I almost threw my drink at the screen. See? No patience -- thus, should not have kids! Kirk pulls Huck Fink out of the chair and lifts a kicking Mary down to him. "Your friend -- where is your friend? Where is that stowaway -- why does he hide?" Kirk asks. "He will come if we call him," Mary says threateningly. Huck Fink shouts that they won't need him because they aren't afraid of Kirk. Someone please put tape on that kid's mouth. Kirk holds up a hand and says he's glad they aren't afraid of him. He steps up to his chair and turns toward them, saying, "But your leader! Is afraid. What's he afraid of?" Mary says he's not afraid of anybody. Huck Fink says he's not afraid of anything. "He's afraid to be seen!" Kirk shouts. "And when the crew sees and hears him, they'll understand that he is NOT their friend! And they won't follow him." Haven't they already seen and heard him? He did make that one manifestation on the Bridge already, and the Bridge crew was there. Being the Bridge crew. Huck Fink insists that he is their friend. Kirk gets out of his chair: "Then. Let. Him. Show. Himself! Let. Him. Prove. To. Me. That. He. Is. My. Friend!" Each one of Kirk's syllables is punctuated by him punching his chest for effect. He had to have bruises after that little display. Kirk rants on that he will follow this friend to Marcos XII or to the ends of the universe. For some reason, the kids don't want to do this.

Spock walks in, and Kirk orders, "Mr. Spock, play back the chant the children sang to summon up the Gorgon." So, now they know the thing's name and it's named for a mythological creature with a snake toupee? Spock plays the recording. The recording summons the rest of the Brat Pack to the Bridge and alerts Louis Pukeyser that PBS wants him back on Wall $treet Week. Kirk steps up to the quivering green form and dares him to show himself, saying, "The time has come to see the world as it is. Come on." To see the world? What's he talking about? Louis Pukeyser materializes and asks who summoned him. "I did, Gorgon, my beast is gone. It lost its power in the light of reality. I command again and I ordered you here!" Kirk shouts. Louis Pukeyser embarks on another painfully long speech about how he's really the one in command, blah blah blah evil-manifesto-cakes. Spock and Kirk say that if they join together, they can overcome him. Louis laughs and thinks they are foolish and gentle, which is a grave weakness. Kirk insists they are strong. Louis Pukeyser counters that their strength is cancelled by their gentleness. Oh, get ON with it already! "You are like the parents, you must be eliminated!" Louis Pukeyser spouts. Kirk tells the Brat Pack that he has pictures of them on Triacus, and he wants to show them. Is this blackmail now? Kirk tells Spock to put the home movies up. Louis Pukeyser forbids it. "Why should you fear it?" Spock wonders. "I fear nothing!" Louis Pukeyser insists. Nothing except falling ratings.

Kirk tells Spock to go ahead. The kids turn and see themselves laughing and playing with their parents. They smile. Mary and Huck Fink look at Louis Pukeyser and lose their smiles slightly. They look back at the movies and smile some more. Every kid smiles in turn as the camera zooms in on their reactions. Kirk watches them. Suddenly, the lighthearted playing cuts to overhead shots of their parents' bodies. The kids stop smiling and look warily over at Louis Pukeyser. "They would not help transport us," Louis Pukeyser insists, "they were against us. They had to be eliminated." Spock changes the images to show shots of the gravestones. Spock tells Louis Pukeyser that Huck Fink's father would have destroyed him, but he recognized him too late. "Ah, you are also too late!" Louis Pukeyser insists. "The kind ones always are." All the kids cry as they look at the graves. "Not this time, Gorgon. Not this time," Kirk tells him. "You cannot hide from them -- they see you as we see you, they know what you are." The kids are getting all snot-nosed. Well, more snot-nosed than they were before. Louis tries to win back the children's favor by going on another long-winded speech about victories and crap. I refuse to believe children this young ever had the patience to pay attention long enough to fall under this windbag's thrall. The kids continue crying. Mary cries hard, and Kirk lifts her up as Louis continues babbling. Kirk lowers Mary and crouches among the children. "Don't be afraid," he tells them, "Look at him!"

Suddenly, Louis Pukeyser gets some unexpected boils on his face. "Without you children he is nothing!" Kirk goes on. Louis Pukeyser hisses and more of his face decomposes. Where the heck is Bones? "Evil remains within him!" Kirk shouts. More and more of Louis Pukeyser decays. Louis Pukeyser shouts impotently, and Kirk tells the children to look at how really ugly Louis Pukeyser is. "Look at him and don't be afraid!" Kirk orders. "Death to you all," Louis Pukeyser repeats as he disappears completely. Sulu's swords fade away, Uhura touches her face, and the children bawl. One of these days, we all need to sit down and have a serious discussion about Sulu's fixation with swords -- first "Naked Time" and now this? Bones FINALLY comes on the Bridge -- he was pouting in his office the whole time, wasn't he? Well, I can't say that I blame him. Bones notes that the children are crying: "I don't know how it happened, but it's good to see!" Has he really been that out of it the entire ep, with all the beasting and clutching and RPSing happening? What's the explanation for that? Kirk hands Mary over to Bones, who says they can help the kids now. Dude, those kids are so messed up now, I don't think they can be helped. Sulu announces that Marcos XII is dead ahead, and Kirk orders him to reverse and set a course for Starbase IV. Kirk smiles slightly.

I don't know -- after such a deeply disturbing chain of events, I don't think I'd be smiling, however slightly, for a very, very long time. I mean, these kids brought about their parents' mass suicide; they must have been doing all that Rock Paper Scissoring to make them take the poison. They would have seen their parents die in throes of agony, and it would have been all because of them! How can they live with themselves once they become cognizant of that fact? I can't shake the skeevy feeling this ep leaves on me. Kids murdering their parents is just all kinds of bad Lifetime movie. Well, Roddenberry didn't seem to care to explain what sort of bleak future those rugrats would have. It was obviously enough to have Pukeyser destroyed by Kirk's Sword of Truth. Hang on, swords...truth...? Could. There. Be. A...connection? Naw, I'm probably giving this ep waaaaay too much credit.