Enterprise S02E27

How do you know it's summer? Well, it's not when Dairy Queen comes up with repulsive new flavor combinations based on the most recent animated box office poison. And it's not when grocery store tomatoes taste a little more like something you actually want to put in your mouth, rather than cardboard boxes that have been left in the rain for seven weeks. Nope, you know it's summer when Keckler gets over her Enterprise bitchui, waits an hour, and dips her polished toes into the Kirkinated waters of TOS.

Kirk and Co. come across a mysterious vessel that shows signs of mechanics and life, but does not respond to hails. Uhura says she picks up a Morse code signal: "C-Q, C-Q." Ohmigod! That's gotta be a shout-out! Oh, wait, wrong show. Kirk impatiently tells Uhura to stop repeating "C-Q." Dude, how's the weather up your own ass? Bones tells Kirk that he's picking up weak heartbeats from sixty or seventy bodies. He's not sure if they are human or not, but he knows they don't appear to be breathing. Kirk orders that all decks go to "Full Alert," which seems to mean that everyone runs about a lot not really doing anything.

Enterprise glides alongside the derelict vessel.

Spock reports that the name of the comaed ship is the S.S. Botany Bay. Having seen Wrath of Khan more times than my liver cares to own up to, my reaction to this announcement was predictable: "Dun, dun, DUN!" Spock reveals that the ship comes from the mid-1990s, a time when Earth was going through its final World War. Kirk squints, and Bones supplies, "The Eugenics Wars." Ah, the Eugenics Wars -- a time when girls in metallic poodle skirts were cloned back to innocence, twinkly-eyed scientists performed inhumane and immoral experiments on living subjects, and The Boswell Dodecatuplets sang "Kiss The Boys Goodbye Because They'll Be Seeing You In A Genetically Perfected Form The Time You Meet Again." Good times. Good times. "Of course," Spock remembers. "Your attempt to improve the race through selective breeding." Bones tells the good Vulcan to withhold judgement, since not all of humanity was behind the New Creepy Deal: "A group of ambitious scientists -- I'm sure you know the type, devoted to logic, completely unemotional --" Spock starts to argue with him but Kirk, having nothing intellectual to contribute and tired of not having any lines, breaks it up and gives orders to lock a tractor beam on the Coma Ship. Kirk orders Bones to be a member of the landing party, and leaves Spock in charge. "Oh, and I'll need someone familiar with late-twentieth-century Earth, it'll be a chance for that historian to do something for a change -- what's her name, uh, McIvers?" Kirk says, and walks off. "Lieutenant McGivers," Spock corrects him as the doors close behind him. "Yeah, that dismissiveness loosely translates into the fact that he hit on her when she first came aboard, she rejected him, and now he's pretending not to remember her name when, in reality, it's at the forefront of his bruised ego twenty-four-seven and more on Sundays," Mathra offers, munching on a day-old delicacy from Hoagie Haven.

In quarters overfilled with sketches of warriors, plaster and marble busts of bearded men with their jaws dropped open in permanent expressions of low IQs, and other virile artifacts, Lt. McGivers puts a painter's smock on over her uniform and prepares to do her latest piece of manhood in oils. I remember wearing those same smocks in nursery school, and I haven't seen them since. McGivers hears Spock announce her name as a member of the boarding party and heads out, giving her charcoal rendition of Boba Fett a longing look. God, honey, stock up on some Georgette Heyer already! But do make sure to order it through TWoP.

In the transporter room, Scotty prepares to join the party and burrs, "Well, it looks like that ship is expecting us. We read heat coming on, complete oxygen atmosphere." After a ship has been without heat for two centuries, how long do you think it would take for that ship to actually warm up? I'm thinking of my 1973 Mercury Comet and how, on the ride to Southwest, it didn't start to get warmer than minus-50 degrees until we actually parked in the student lot. And good thing the ship was expecting them, because I don't see this anti-cognoscenti getting suited up in EV suits -- they were just going to go over there as is! Who out there says that Kirk is the best captain? The best Captain Crunch, maybe. "Very interesting," Kirk mutters, and asks Bones if he's ready. "No," Bones says firmly, "I signed aboard this ship to practice medicine, not to have my atoms scattered back and forth across space by this gadget." "You're an old-fashioned boy, McCoy. Where's that historian?" Kirk asks, just as "that historian" enters the transporter room. Kirk, Bones, and Scotty climb onto the transport pad. "Well, come on, Lieutenant --" Kirk says, snapping his fingers as he pretends to forget her name again. Honey, it's going to take a lot more friction than merely rubbing your fingers together to jumpstart your brain. "McGivers," McGivers reminds him. Somehow sensing that it will be his only chance, Kirk checks out her ass as she walks to her assigned place on the pad. They transport.

U.S.S. Botany Bay. Bodies lie in chambers as perfectly preserved by crank-induced sleep as Briar Rose/Aurora in the olde faerie tayle. Technically, McGivers is the red shirt -- make that the red skirt -- of this boarding party. Well, we know she dies. In about eight to ten years. Scotty pointlessly confirms that this vessel is indeed a twentieth-century ship from Earth. McGivers announces that it's a "sleeper ship." "Suspended animation," Kirk states, wondering why on God's green Ceti Alpha Five McGivers wouldn't sleeper-ship with him. McGivers airheadedly explains that suspended animation ships were necessary to travel in outer space until the year twenty-eighteen, because it could take years to travel between planets. I think Kirk's girdle is cutting into him in this scene as he minces over to the stasis chambers and wonders, "Is...it...possible...theycouldstillbealive? After cen-turies of travel?" Kirk's thinking he'd have better luck with one of these sleeping booties than with "that historian." "What a handsome group of people," McGivers comments as she wanders around. Scotty does something that makes the lights go on, accompanied by the hiss of air decompressing. The hiss of air decompressing is never a good sign on these shows. McGivers calls their attention over to one of the chambers, and Scotty checks it out. "Beats me what's happening," Scotty says helpfully. McGivers stares transfixed at the occupant -- a raven-haired Ricardo Montalban draped in 24-carat chain mail and polished with several layers of Bain de Soleil -- as The Hot Chick In Love Lighting is softly activated behind her head.

Bones reports that Khan's heartbeat is increasing and he's starting to breathe. "This one was probably programmed to be triggered first," Scotty says. Without looking at her, Kirk asks McGivers if Khan could be the leader. McGivers doesn't hear him as she practices signing her name "Mrs. Khan Noonian Singh" over and over in her head. "The leader -- Lieutenant?!" Kirk prompts her irritably. McGivers responds that the leader was often programmed to be given the kiss of life first so that he ("he"! Notice how anti-feminist this whole episode is!) could decide if the others should also be revived. It also gave him plenty of time to pick all their pockets. Having dispensed this information, McGivers goes back to staring at Khan. Kirk notices The Hot Chick In Love Lighting behind her head and gets annoyed. McGivers guesses that Khan is from Northern India, "Probably a sikh -- they were the most fantastic warriors!" Scotty reports that none of the other mixed ethnic types is in danger of waking up. "A man from the twentieth century coming alive," McGivers juices. Bones reports sudden problems within the stasis chamber and that Khan is dying. McGivers pleads with Kirk to do something. Khan's body twitches. Kirk busts the glass of the chamber and pulls open the door. Khan's body slides out on rollers. Khan gasps and swallows and fights a desire to pee as he rasps a question in Kirk's ear: "How...long?" Kirk tells him he's been getting his booty sleep for two centuries by their estimations. Kirk orders the transporter room to beam Bones and a casualty to Sickbay. "Magnificent," McGivers breathes.

Kirk logs that they are continuing to examine the S.S.Botany Bay, as well as reviving the remaining passengers. Kirk also notes that Bones is amazed by Khan's recuperative powers. Scotty reports that they can't find any logs on the ship, but that the stasis chambers were already in effect when the ship took off. Kirk asks about survivors, and Scotty responds that twelve units have malfunctioned, leaving only seventy-two alive, thirty of them women. Kirk babbles to Spock about the great historical importance of these people. "A strange and violent period of your history, Captain," Spock reminds us, and says that he can find no record of the ship in historical manifests anywhere. More back and forth about how agog they are to come across a ship in their neck of the woods that was designed only for interplanetary travel. "Botany Bay..." Kirk muses, "That was the name of penal colony on the shores of Australia, wasn't it? If they took that name for their vessel --" Spock thinks that Kirk is arriving at totally illogical conclusions, because a group of criminals could have been more effectively dealt with in the 1990s than by wasting an expensive space ship on them. Apparently, entire populations were being bombed out at that time. Kirk shrugs this off and asks Spock for his theory. Spock says he has no facts on which to base a theory. "And that irritates you," Kirk supplies. Spock looks at him: "Irritation? I'm not capable of that emotion." Kirk offers an ironic apology and asks if Spock thinks the bay botanists are dangerous. "Insufficient facts always invites danger, Captain," Spock tells him. Kirk agrees, and thinks they better get their hands on same facts; he orders a course for a starbase laid in.

Sickbay. Bones monitors Khan as Kirk comes in for an update. Bones reports that Khan will live, but not because of anything he did: "There's something inside this man that refuses to accept death. Now look at that -- even as he is now, his heart valve action has twice the power of yours or mine. Lung efficiency [is] fifty percent better." Lt. McGivers wanders in to do some more staring at Khan. Kirk mutters about the Eugenics Wars breeding a superior race of beings. "I'd estimate that he could lift both of us with one arm," Bones hypothesizes, and says he can't wait to see if his brain is as good as his body. I'm sure McGivers only cares if his other brain is as good as his body. EWWW! Did I just say that? Bones starts to leave the room, and McGivers dreamily asks if Khan will live. "It appears he will, Lieutenant," Bones says, with more than a touch of reproach in his voice. Kirk follows Bones out and without looking at her tells McGivers that he'd like to talk to her. McGivers trips out of the examination room with a final backward glance at the superior patient.

In Bones's office, Kirk gives McGivers a good dressing down for going all moony over Montalban on the mission. I'm sure it wasn't the dressing down of his dreams, but he manages to make his feelings known to "that historian." McGivers apologizes before he gets too many words out, but Kirk isn't finished: "At any one time the safety of this entire vessel might depend on the performance of single crewmember aboard, and the fact that you find a man strangely compelling to you personally --" "Not personally, Captain, professionally," McGivers breathes. "My profession is historian and, well, to find a specimen from the past alive, I mean, the sheer delight of examining his mind..." Among other sheer delights. "And men were more adventuresome then -- bolder and more colorful?" Kirk queries, still hoping she will find him more bold and colorful with his new green eyeshadow, "Pompous Pistachio." "Yes, sir, I think they were," McGivers answers firmly. But still breathily. "Good," Kirk says, looking her in the eye. "If I can have honesty it's easier to overlook mistakes." Kirk dismisses her. If he thinks he's going to win her over with the whole "come on strong as a disciplinarian, but then show your softer side and not really punish her" schtick, he's got another Khan coming. Bones thinks Kirk would have made a fair shrink if he hadn't wasted himself in command. "Fair?" Kirk smirks, and leaves.

Recovery room. Khan wakes up and rubs his head. He makes a fist and gets out of bed for a few strange Tai Chi moves. He flexes his muscles with such vigor that he quivers a little bit. Just last week I caught this man dancing and singing in some 1950s Mexploitation movie on AMC, and now he's flexing in a space-age hospital johnnie. Khan hears Bones making some notes in his log and stops mid-flex. His superior intellect notes some historical surgical implements mounted on the wall under the kind of glass that's not there. Khan grabs a scalpel and flexes his way around the room. Bones decides it's a good time to check on the unrestrained patient -- who he recently admitted could lift him and Kirk with one arm -- to see if he's actually turned into the fluffy bunny they all seem to take him for. Khan is back in bed, playing possum, and when Bones lifts an eyelid, Khan grabs him by the neck and puts the scalpel to his throat. "Well, either choke me or cut my throat -- make up your mind," Bones mutters. Khan whispers that he thought he dreamt hearing English spoken around him, and asks where he is. "You're in bed, holding a knife to your doctor's throat," Bones whispers. "Answer my kwest-iohn," Khan orders. Bones calmly advises him to slice the carotid artery below his left ear. Khan lets Bones go and says he likes a brave man. Bones relieves him of the ancient scalpel and says, "I was just trying to avoid an argument. You're aboard the United Space Ship Enterprise and your vessel is in tow." Khan confirms that he's been sleeping for two centuries, then demands to see the captain because he has many more "qwest-iohns." Two centuries of sleep and no trace of bedhead? He is a superior being! Bones tells Kirk to get his control-topped butt down to Sickbay.

Kirk presents himself to Khan and tells him that they are heading for a starbase, and that seventy-two of his "people" are still in functioning stasis chambers. "You will revive them," Khan orders. "As soon as we reach Starbase XII," Kirk tells him. "I see," Khan says, most displeased. Kirk finally makes Khan admit that his name is Khan. "Khan -- nothing else?" Kirk asks. "Khan," Khan says. Kirk tries to find out when exactly it was that the U.S.S. Botany Bay left Earth, but Khan fakes a headache and says he is "fatigued." Bones agrees, and makes Kirk leave Khan alone. Khan asks for access to the ship's technical manuals, since he was once an "engineer of sorts" and would find it most interesting to read up on the ship. Again, thinking that Khan must be a fuzzy duckling without a genetically engineered superior intellect, Kirk gives him access.

Bridge. Spock notes that Khan is making extensive use of their technical library. Kirk dismisses the massive security breach with, "Common courtesy, Mr. Spock. If he's going to spend the rest of his days in our time, it's only decent to help him catch up." Kirk wonders if Khan could be a product of selective breeding. Gee, you think? Spock thinks the time would be right: "In 1993 a group of these young supermen did seize power simultaneously in over forty nations." Wait, I thought that was The Fab Five! "Well, they were hardly supermen," Kirk objects. I think Kirk is uncomfortable with the idea of anyone being aboard his ship that might be sexually superior to him. Kirk goes on to say that these aggressive, arrogant supermen began to squabble amongst themselves. "Because the scientists overlooked one fact: superior ability breeds superior ambition," Spock finishes. Kirk thinks it's interesting that the genetic engineering created a race of Napoleons and Alexander the Greats. No Jonathan Archers? What a surprise. Spock hands over his pad and says he's collected a list of names and made some counts: "By my estimate, there were some eighty or ninety of these young supermen unaccounted for when they were finally defeated." Kirk takes Spock's pad and stands up, saying, "That...fact...isn't in the history books." "Would you reveal to a war-weary population that some eighty Napoleons might still be alive?" Spock asks pointedly.

Sickbay. McGivers reports for booty -- er, "duty." She tells Khan who she is and what she does on the ship. "I have been reading up on starships but they have one luxury not mentioned in the manuals," Khan tells her. McGivers doesn't get it. "A beeyootiful wo-man," Khan tells her, and introduces himself. "Please sit and entertain me." "Entertain" him? Does he expect her to do a hat and cane act of "Hello, Ma Darlin'"? I hate to disappoint him, but I think you have to be a network-pimpin' frog to do that. McGivers sits and tries to ask Khan about his ship. "And why do you wear your hair in such an uncomplimentary fashion?" Khan interrupts her. McGivers tells him it's comfortable. "But it's not attractive," Khan reproves her, and slithers off his bed. He pulls her chin forward and starts fiddling with her hair. Inspired, he pulls her over to the mirror and fiddles some more. So, a superior intellect makes you a superior hairdresser as well?

"There. Soft, natural, simple," Khan says. How is that simple? It's still all pinned in multiple convolutions and looks like it should have half a dozen dead flowers and a veil rammed into it. And if he's taking that many bobbie pins out, yet so much of it stays looking like a bridezilla salon nightmare, it must mean there are a ton more pins still up there -- how is that "comfortable"? If they wanted to make her out to be the plain Jane intellectual bookworm with sensible hair transformed by Everlasting Love into the Hot Chick, they should have just given her a ponytail and glasses like every other movie does. McGivers protests that she's there on business. "You find no pleasure here?" Khan asks. McGivers tells him that she's there to find out about him and his time period. "There," Khan says, smoothing her back hair, "simple, soft. Please remember." No offense, but seeing that he's been asleep for two hundred years, I think his idea of what is attractive might be just a touch out of date. McGivers tries to assert her own will one more time and goes to leave saying that they will get together when he's more in the mood to discuss business. Khan grabs her upper arm -- an awkward and unnecessarily aggressive place to grab someone -- looks into her eyes and says, "I'm glad you came. Please do it again."

The captain's dining room is all done up for a party. Festive food cubes, a sparkly tablecloth that looks like the same stuff they make the Sickbay pillows out of, and the senior staff in their satiny, satiny dress shirts. Additionally, Spock seems to have done something odd to his bangs -- it looks like he combed pomade into them and then raked his fingers through them. Maybe Khan's magnetism is transcending gender barriers. Oh, and lest we forget how unenlightened this show was in its heyday, the people setting up and serving in their short little skirts are crew-women. Bones walks in and snarks, "Very impressive. Are we expecting a fleet admiral for dinner?" Can he come guest recap for me season? Kirk mutters that the soiree was McGivers's idea, to welcome Khan to their century. Kirk pulls Bones off to the side and asks, "Just how strongly is she attracted to him?" Man, he's a persistent little man, isn't he? Bones says, "There aren't any regulations against romance, Jim." Considering all the debate on the boards, that's a fascinatingly broad statement about relationships aboard the ship. Kirk bristles that he's not asking for personal reasons. "Well, he has a magnetism, almost electric -- you felt it -- and it could overpower McGivers with her preoccupation with the past," Bones diagnoses.

Khan -- dressed in a long-cut yellow silk Southeast Asiany jacket with a Mao collar that exposes his Nair do well chest -- strides into McGivers's art-attacked quarters and says he thought she could escort him to the dinner. He surveys her art and notes her appreciation-bordering-on-mindless-worship of historical men with obscenely high semen counts. He also compliments her technique. McGivers starts to explain who one of her subjects was, but Khan interrupts her to stick his hand in her hair and comment that she rearranged it for him: "Excellent." He moves away to examine more of McGivers's work: "All bold men from the past -- Richard, Leif Eriksson, Napoleon -- a hobby of yours, such men?" Without permission, Khan pulls a covering (it's that same sparkly material from the pillows again!) off McGivers's latest work to expose a rough image of glaring man in a turban. Khan looks with surprise at McGivers -- who looks back with fear -- and says he is honored, and thanks her. I don't know why; it's not a very complimentary rendition -- it makes him look about thirty years older than he is. Khan puts his chest in McGivers's face -- god, I hate that; I had a pricky ex-boyfriend who used to do that to intimidate me -- and says, "But I caution you, such men dare take what they want." He tips her face up and kisses her. She grabs at his shoulder and kisses him back. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

After a most satisfactory binge, a final cup of port is served to the crew by two waitresses, and Kirk and Spock begin to grill Khan about his "extraordinary journey" and how he managed to keep it out of the history books. Khan dodges these questions by simply saying, "Avventure, Captain. Avventure." Spock and Khan debate the final World War. Spock thinks it was a war to end tyranny, while Khan takes exception to the word "tyranny" and prefers to call it "an attempt to unify humanity." "'Unify,' sir? Like a team of animals under one whip?" Spock asks. I love how his "sir" takes all the anger out of his question, yet he still can deliver a powerfully emotional response without getting overly emotional himself. Also? I love Spock. Khan looks from Spock to Kirk and recovers his temper, saying that time was one of "great dreams, of great aspirations." Spock thinks it was a time of many "petty dictatorships." "One man would have ruled evven-shwally," Khan notes, "as Rome under Caesar -- think of its accomplishments!" Spock notes that Kirk is unimpressed. Khan pauses, which allows Spock to say, "Then your sympathies were with --" "You are an excellent tactician, Captain," Khan interrupts, "you let your second-in-command attack while you sit and watch for weakness." Kirk notes that Khan expresses his ideas in military terms: "This is a social occasion." Khan chuckles, "It has been said that 'social occasions' are only warfare concealed." Where has that been said -- on Kronos? Kirk fires back, "Youfledwhy? Wereyouafraid?" Khan says he's no fraidy-cat, and Kirk points out that Khan left when mankind needed courage the most. "We offered the world order!" Khan shouts, slamming his hand on the table. Seriously, damn your impudence, man! Damn your eyes! Damn your weevil-infested britches! Sorry. I've been watching too much Horatio Hornblower lately. On another note, I think Khan might have exposed himself there. "'We'?" Kirk parrots. Khan looks around the table before looking back at Kirk to say, "Excellent. Excellent." Spock stares at him. Khan puts down his glass of blue port and excuses himself from Twenty Questions.

Khan's Khwarters. Khan paces until McGivers rings his bell and stands briefly posed in the doorway. Khan glowers and looks away. McGivers trips over to him and says she wanted to apologize for her higher-ups' collective behavior. God, she's dumb. "Quite understandable, since I'm something of a mystery to them," Khan says, smiling. "You're no mystery to me. I know exactly who you are," McGivers breathes. Khan looks alarmed and asks, "Do you?" "Mm-hmm. Leif Eriksson, Richard the Lionhearted, Napoleon -- I don't know if you'll like living in our time," McGivers says. "Then I'll have to remold it to my liking," Khan says, grabbing at her. McGivers resists his embrace. "Then go!" Khan says, shoving her away violently. "Or stay! But do it because it is what you wish to do!" Khan swishes his arm up and down to give his words more import. McGivers cowers in the corner. Khan looks back at her. "Well?" he demands. "I'll stay a little longer," McGivers amends. Khan sarcasms, "How many minutes do you graciously offer?" "I-I only meant," McGivers stutters. "This grows tiresome, you must now ask to stay!" Khan commands. "I'd like to stay," McGivers says. Now, that's not exactly asking, is it. Khan ignores her. "Please," McGivers adds. You quivering wimp of womanhood. What exactly about a man pushing you around and making you plead for stuff do you find attractive? At her "please," Khan smiles triumphantly and looks at her. He sits and puts out his hand. She takes it. Khan forces her to kneel down, and we can tell by the way she's gripping her hand that he's hurting her. "Open your heart!" Khan commands, squeezing her hand harder. "Will you open your heart?!" "Yes," McGivers breathes. "I intend to take this ship," Khan tells her. "Do you agree?" "Oh, please don't ask me --" McGivers whines. Khan squeezes harder and says he needs her help. "You won't harm anyone?" McGivers asks. "Now you question me?" Khan demands, shaking her arm. "No!" McGivers sobs. "Will you assist me?" Khan asks again. McGivers protests again, and Khan shoves her onto the floor and away from him. "Leave me, then! Go, I say!" Khan orders. McGivers lifts her tearstained face and sobs, "No." But it's more a question than a statement. Khan refuses to look at her until she says, "I promise. I'll do anything you ask." And this is supposed to be the love of Khan's life? Love governed by fear? Khan smiles with satisfaction, and McGivers sniffles. This week on the Lifetime movie: Megalomaniacs Who Want To Rule The Universe, And The Women Who Take It In The Ear For Them.

The conference room. The crew brilliantly (and finally!) figures out that Khan The Patient and Khan Noonian Singh The Ruler Of More Than A Quarter Of Earth From 1992 to 1996 are one and the same. Ah, see, that explains why I don't remember him -- I was in college then, and no one pays attention to world news when they're in college. I do have one question, though -- with all the conspiracy theorists out there, how in the world does a tyrant like that manage to disappear for two centuries? Even more boggling than the fact that it took this long for them to piece the Khan puzzle together is that Scotty now confesses, "I've always held a sneaking admiration for this one." "He was the best of the tyrants," Kirk agrees, "and the most dangerous." So, now it comes out that they were all aware of this guy but still didn't recognize him, even though he clearly hasn't aged a day and he told them that his name was Khan? Spock is deeply puzzled by Kirk and Scotty's glorification of such a ruthless man. "Spock, we humans have a streak of barbarism in us. Appalling, but there nonetheless," Kirk admits. "There were no massacres under his rule," Scotty points out. "And as little freedom," Spock rebuts. "No wars until he was attacked," Bones adds. "Gentlemen!" Spock exclaims. The humans share a laugh at the Vulcan's expense, and Kirk explains that they can be against Khan and admire him at the same time. "Illogical," is Spock's only comment. Kirk orders immediate twenty-four-hour security on Khan's Khwarters. At this late date, I think that's going to be about as effective as a cat flap in an elephant house.

Khan's Khwarters. Khan is now dressed in Starfleet attire, and is omming it up when Kirk walks in. Khan apologizes for being "lost in thought," and asks why he is being restrained. "Unusual treatment for Khan Noonian Singh," Kirk comments. You KNOW he just went in there so he could find a clever way like that to tell Khan that he's figured the bastard out. Kirk cross-examines Khan. He finds out that Khan and his people escaped Earth to look for a new life, and that Khan finds Kirk to be physically and mentally inferior to him. Khan twits Kirk that man hasn't evolved much in two hundred years: "Yes, it appears that we will do well in your century, Captain." Kirk gets mad and leaves. Khan stands to the door and does some deep breathing and yoga movements before pulling the door open with his fingertips. Wow, the superman has fingernails of steel! Must be Opi. Khan knocks out a guard.

Transporter Room. McGivers affects a hold-up until Khan arrives and knocks out the transporter chief. All Khan does is put his fingers to the guy's neck and he collapses, and it's not exactly the Vulcan way, so I'm thinking the superior intellect must come with superior pinching ability. Khan jumps onto the transporter pad.

On the U.S.S. Botany Bay, Khan's minions have been awakened, and they too immediately participate in their morning Salute to the Singh. Khan greets all his friends and says that this time they will rule a universe instead of the world.

Enterprise Bridge. Security reports that Khan has escaped to his disabled ship, and Kirk discovers that their comm channels are jammed, as are the turbo elevators, and that the atmospheric controls are not exactly on. Kirk tries to contact Scotty, who is being restrained by the supermen in Engineering. "He is not able to answer you at the moment, Captain. Your sheeep is mine. I have shut off the laiife support system to your Bridge, jammed up your exit route, I am willing to negotiate," Khan comms. Oddly, Kirk orders Spock to flood all decks with neural gas, but Spock can't, because they DON'T HAVE CONTROL! God, Kirk adapts less quickly than the neutered Borg ofEnterprise. "Mr. Khan was very thorough in his study of our tech manuals," Spock says. Do I detect reproach in his voice? If so, he'd be justified. Kirk orders Uhura to contact Starbase XII. Aren't all their comms jammed? Uhura reports that their comms are jammed. Spock comments on Khan's brilliance. Khan reminds Kirk that his air is getting very thin, and asks if he surrenders the Bridge. Kirk never gives up and never surrenders. "Academic, Captain, refuse and every person on the Bridge will suffocate." Spock and Kirk mug.

While Spock fiddles with something, Kirk logs that they only have moments of air left on the Bridge, and recommends commendations for all the passed-out people who have delicately draped themselves all over the Bridge. "Where was the Fleet Commendation for Keckler?" Mathra wonders. I'm not passed out yet, that's where it is. "I take full responsibility. I take full respon--" Kirk says before letting himself drop out of his high chair and sprawl picturesquely onto the floor.

In the conference room, Khan lectures the revived and captive crew about how unevolved they all are and what a superior intellect he has by comparison. Khan tells Scotty that he needs his help in operating the ship. "Where is Captain Kirk?!" is Scotty's only reply. Instead of answering -- because evil masterminds never answer direct questions, like, ever -- Khan forces a resisting Uhura over to the comm screen. Uhura sits there and stares defiantly up at one of Khan's minions towering over her. I really like her hair in this episode. Khan's minion delivers a really fake belt to Uhura's face -- what is with all the woman-battering in this episode?! -- and when she recovers and glares at him, he makes to smack her again. Finally, Battered Woman Number One leaps to Uhura's defense by shouting, "No!" and coming to Uhura's side. Whatever -- I still have no respect for this woman, and I'm glad she's going to get lobotomized by an earwig suffering from an acute case of elephantiasis. Khan sighs and says that he should have realized that suffocating together on the Bridge would create a sense of camaraderie between them all. Wait -- wouldn't just serving together on a star ship, facing danger day in, day out, create that sort of camaraderie? I'm starting to doubt Khan's "superior intellect." "But it's quite a different thing to stand by and watch it happen to someone else," Khan finishes, and makes them look at the comm screen. Apparently, he's got Kirk in the medical decompression chamber, and the pressure levels are very low. So low, in fact, that he is going TO DIE! The clever camera in the hallway outside the decompression chamber -- done with giving us a close-up of the decompression levels -- now gives us a close-up of the chamber's circular window where Kirk languishes. "I hope someone remembered the dryer sheets," Mathra giggles.

Aware that all eyes must be on him, Kirk suddenly slumps his shoulders and breathes heavily. "Your Captain will die," Khan nods. We get reaction shots from around the room: McGivers looks for the meaning of life in her lap, Spock frowns, and an unknown female crewmember hides her face. See, she has a date with him week, and she's thinking about what sort of long-term effects the decompression chamber will have on the captain's ability to perform. You know, sexually. Khan explains his plan: "If you join me, Mr. Spock, I will save his life. My vessel was useless. I need you and yours to select a colony planet. One with a population willing to be led by us." "Now, would this be Fantasy Planet? 'The starship! The starship!'" Mathra sniggers. Bones corrects Khan, "To be conquered by you. A starship would make that most simple, wouldn't it?" Khan shrieks that each member of the crew will die in the decompression chamber if they don't help him. Suddenly, McGivers asks if she has to sit around for this. Khan shakes his head: "But I hoped you would be stronger." Why? She's just as "inferior" and "unevolved" as the rest of the crew -- obsessing over him didn't change her genetic makeup. McGivers leaves. Khan announces that if any one of the crew joins him, he'll let Kirk live. No one steps forward. Well, there you have it -- Kirk's entire crew hates him. "It's SOUSELESS!" Khan shouts. Suddenly, the viewscreen goes blank. The Uhura-Menacer demands to know how to regain the picture, and when Uhura doesn't answer, he raises his arm. Khan stops him, saying, "It doesn't matter -- the captain is dead." Uhura puts her head in her hands dramatically. Khan orders that Spock be taken to the decompression chamber.

Meanwhile, Khan's chosen consort distracts Kirk's guard and knocks him out with a hypospray before raising the pressure levels and getting Kirk out of the chamber. "Captain, I saved your life, now please don't kill him," McGivers pleads. Ha! As if Kirk could. Kirk pushes the poster girl for battered-woman syndrome to one side as he hears Spock being escorted in. Spock makes note of Kirk's hiding place, but registers absolutely nothing on his face. He doesn't even show teeth. I love Spock. Together, and with the help of a Vulcan Nerve Pinch, Kirk and Spock overcome the guard. Spock brings a suddenly completely recovered Kirk up to speed on the situation. "Our only chance is the Intruder Control Circuit, although he's cut it off at the Bridge," Kirk muses. Spock points out where there's a relay junction. "Gas all decks but this one," Kirk orders, and they run out. So, they have an intruder control thingy in which they routinely gas their crew? Curious. And what happened to McGivers?

In the conference room, Khan calls down to the Armory for a report. There is no response. "Rodriguez? Ling? McPherson?" Khan calls out. Note all the ethnic names. Earlier, Khan called someone "Otto" and someone else "Joaquim." Considering he was the leader from Asia to the Middle East, I wonder how a Celt got in the mix. Gas fills the room, and Khan runs out. Everyone else has coughing fits and collapses. Scotty punches some guy out and follows Khan. Kirk finds Scotty coughing in the hallway and asks where Khan went. Scotty gasps something about Khan getting away before the gas hit. Spock reports anaethesia gas on all decks save for Engineering. Kirk heads for Engineering to finally have his one-on-one with the genetically modified superman.

Engineering, where Khan twiddles knobs and listens in on all the comms. He hears that Kirk is on his way to Engineering. How lame is this crew? First they give a guy travelling in a mysterious space vessel named for a penal colony full access to their techs, and now they don't even bother to mask their comms when they know he's in Engineering and can hear every word? Khan hides behind a bulkhead as Kirk enters. Khan grabs Kirk's gun away and deliberately crumples it in his hand. Now that he's got Kirk's full attention, I wonder if he's going to try and sell him a Chrysler with a "rich Corinthian leather" interior. Something beeps, and Khan points out that he instigated an overload of the engine. And now for the fistfight we've been waiting for since Kirk scoffed at the use of the word "supermen." Kirk holds onto some chicken wire and hoists his legs over Khan's head. In a Xenia Onatoppish move, Kirk grabs Khan's neck with his calves and tries to pop Khan's cork. It doesn't work. He needs to use more of his upper thigh. "I have five times your strength -- you are no match for me," Khan snarls. Yeah, there's really no way Kirk can win this fight unless he has a secret weapon. Wait! He does have a secret weapon! After being thrown up against a console, Kirk pulls his secret weapon off the control panel. It's a giant Aveda Shampoo pump! Oh, he's surely going to win now -- those things are unstoppable. Except when it gets stopped up and you have to fill it with hot water and shake out the congealed conditioner plug. Kirk beats Khan down with the shampoo pump (I'd love to see the bottle that thing fits into -- Sap Moss for life!) and stops the engine overload. He then pants on the console effectively.