Enterprise S01E30

Kirk crawls up a tube and enters the hallway. "Why was he climbing up the ladder? Do you think he could be playing hide-and-seek?" Mathra wonders. Bones stops Kirk and expresses concern over Spock's recent behavior; he's acting nervy and hasn't eaten in three days. "Maybe he's making a fast getaway from some yeoman's quarters," Mathra adds, still stuck on the ladder thing. Kirk brushes off the concern, saying that Spock must be in one of his "contemplative phases." They both notice Nurse Chapel coming down the hall, but as she catches sight of them and tries to run away. Bones calls her back, and Kirk attempts an escape of his own, but Bones isn't through with him either and detains him.

Bones sticks his nose in at what Nurse Chapel is carrying on a tray. "Oh, Vulcan plomeek soup! And I'll bet you made it, too. You never give up hoping, do you?" Bones says, coming dangerously close to sounding heavily condescending. "I mean, I've never seen anyone use those tunnel-ladders for anything other than being sneaky, like in 'The Way to Eden,'" Mathra continues. Chapel stutters that she thought Spock might like it, since he hadn't been eating. Bones tells her it's okay, and releases her. She goes into Spock's room. Kirk tries to get away again. Does he have to go to the bathroom or something? Again, Bones expresses his concern over Spock's behavior, saying, "When I suggested to Spock that it was time for his routine check-up, your logical, unemotional First Officer turned to me and said: 'You will cease to pry into my personal matters, Doctor, or I will certainly break your neck!'" Kirk manages to get out, "Spock said that?" as Spock bellows, "What is this?!" Chapel screams and comes running out. The soup follows her and crashes against the opposite wall. "Don't keep prying!" Spock yells, "If I want anything from you, I'll ask for it!" He comes to the door of his quarters, his face composed in fury. He sees Bones, Kirk, and a bunch of No-Names in the hall staring at him, and says in a ragged voice, "Captain, I should like to request a leave of absence on my home planet. On our present course you can divert to Vulcan with a loss of but two point eight light days." Kirk tries to ask him "what the devil" his problem is, but Spock interrupts him: "I have made my request, Captain, all I require from you is that you answer it: YES OR NO!" Spock storms back into his quarters, and the door closes in Kirk's face. Well, it's happened. Spock is finally and completely fed up with Kirk taking the credit for doing all the thinking in every episode, so now he wants to take his logic toys and go home. "Oh, and in 'Naked Time,' as well. 'Cuz Sulu climbs up one with his foil thing," Mathra comments, as I look up the dates of the number theory conference in Utah.

Credits.

In Spock's cabin, Kirk attempts to grill Spock on his mood swings. "It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not hers," Spock starts to say. Kirk tells him he's more interested in figuring out the sudden request for shore leave when Spock's gone out of his way to refuse it before. I would think that that's reason enough to request it now. Spock grumpily points out that he's accrued a lot of shore leave. "Agreed, but that isn't the question, is it?" Kirk demands. Spock sits down heavily. "If there's a problem of some sort, an illness in the family --" Kirk guesses. Spock tells him it's nothing like that. "Then since we're headed for Altair VI and since the shore facilities there are excellent" Kirk says on his way out. I wonder what "shore facilities" really are. I mean, we're familiar with Risa: Come One Come All, but what do regular, non-pleasure planets do for fun? Facials? Can you see a towel-turbaned Spock with a mud mask on? Or playing shuffleboard while waiting for the buffet to be set up? Spock raises his voice and starts to say, "NO! I must --" Kirk looks at him, daring further insubordination from The Electric Guitar Of Weird Behavior, and Spock controls himself and continues, "I wish to take my leave on Vulcan." We can see his right hand behind his back, gripping a sharp object and shaking. Kirk walks toward his Science Officer and says, "Spock, I'm asking you -- what's wrong?" Spock chokes out that he needs rest and he's asking Kirk to accept that. Kirk edges around Spock and calls the bridge. As Sulu answers, Kirk notices what Spock is gripping in his hand. He tells Sulu to lay in a course to Vulcan, warp four. Spock thanks Kirk, and Kirk says, "I suppose most of us overlook the fact that even Vulcans aren't indestructible." The door opens, Kirk leaves, and in a wonderful bit of scene-to-scene continuity, we can see the plomeek soup stain on the wall outside. Heh. Spock talks to himself: "No." The hand holding the sharp object shakes violently and he steadies it with his other hand: "We're not."

Kirk logs a summation of the last nine-and-a-half minutes and adds that Bones has Spock under medical surveillance. Uhura tells Kirk, "Captain, something's coming in on the Starfleet Channel." "Do we get that channel?" Mathra demands, "I want that channel." Mathra's had too much sugar today. Kirk puts it on audio, and we hear that the brouhaha Enterprise was rushing to attend on Altair VI has been moved up by a week; they are ordered to be there on time by Admiral Komack. Spock glances up from his station -- should he really be on the bridge in his delicate condition? -- as the message comes through. Kirk ascertains from Chekov's weirdly messy bowl cut that, in order attend the festivities on time, they will be unable to swing by "Wulcan" to drop Spock off. Incoming coiffure explanation from Mathra: "They gave him a wig to wear for a few episodes, because they wanted his hair to grow into that Beatles mop in order for him to be more appealing to the younger generation." Yeah, that worked. Kirk gives the orders to hasten directly to Altair VI, and by way of a non-apology says, "Sailor's luck, Mr. Spock. Or as one of Finagle's Laws puts it, 'Any home port this ship makes will be somebody else's, not mine.'" That's so deep, I can't even see where I threw my ears after I ripped them off. "The president of Altair VI wants to get himself launched a week early, so we have to be there a week early. Don't worry, I'll see that you get your leave as soon as we're finished." Staring straight ahead, Spock tells Kirk that he understands. Ten to one he really doesn't understand -- any takers?

Lying awake that night, thinking of Spock, Kirk comes to a decision. He calls up Chekov and wonders how late they'd be to Altair VI if they re-altered the course back to Vulcan at full speed. You know, in all my Trek watching, I have never seen any crewmember have a comfortable bed. Except maybe Phlox's in "Two Days and Two Nights." Hey -- something Enterprise gets right: beds! Chekov tells him they're already on their way to "Wulcan" (again), by Spock's orders. Kirk thanks him and hangs up the viewscreen.

Hands on hips, Kirk stands on the bridge and requests a word in private with the Vulcan. Remember, Kirk doesn't have a Ready Room, so where Picard or Quantum would have just ordered the crewmember in question to that Ready Room, Kirk has to have an uncomfortable turbolift ride with them. In the turbolift, Kirk looks closely at Spock, who stares straight ahead. I also look closely at Spock, who seems to be growing a shadow of a 'stache. I think it's supposed to be another wispy indication of his unhinged mind. Kirk asks him why he changed the ship's course back to Vulcan. "Changed the course?" Spock repeats. Kirk asks him if he denies it. "No. No, by no means, Captain," Spock says, half-awake. "It is quite possible." Kirk wants to know why he did it. "Captain, I accept, on your word, that I did it, but I do not know why, nor do I remember doing it," Spock rasps out. The turbolift doors open, and Spock turns to Kirk, asking him to lock him away. "I do not wish to be seen," Spock pleads. I know what his problem is; he's getting a pimple. Remember when that happened to Worf? Alien zits -- not the prettiest things to look at. Like Gallagher, they're loud, they're kind of scary, and if you're not careful, you could get splattered. Spock insists that no Vulcan could possibly explain further what his major trauma is. Kirk reminds Spock that he's trying to help him, but Spock says, "Ahsk me no further questions -- I will not ahnswer!" Kirk orders him to Sick Bay for a full examination, and adds that Bones is waiting for him. Spock's frown deepens, and he gets off the turbolift. He wanders a bit down the hall, turns into another corridor, then backs up and acts confused.

Finally he arrives at Sick Bay, and Bones tells him he's all ready for him. "My orders were to report to Sick Bay, Doctor. I have done so and now I'll go to my quarters," Spock says. Bones growls that his orders were to examine Spock, and as they both report to the Captain, Spock had better get his bony Vulcan butt onto the table. "Come on, Spock," Bones says, making his voice more gentle. "Yield to the logic of the situation." Spock gives in, gets on the table, and says, "Very well, Doctor. Examine me, for all the good it will do either of us." A male nurse flips the examining table up, and Spock drums his fingers on the side of it. He's fidgeting. That's a mighty illogical thing to do. In case you were wondering.

Bridge. There's little Statler and Waldorfing going on as Sulu says to Chekov, "How do you figure it, Chekov? First we're going to Vulcan, then we're going to Altair, then we're headed to Vulcan again, and now we're headed back to Altair!" No, Mr. Helmsman, first you were on your way to Altair, then Vulcan, et cetera. "I theenk I'm going to get space seek," Chekov says. So am I. Mathra guffaws along with them, saying, "I think you're headed to the cutting room floor when this thing goes into syndication!" Did I mention I'm recapping the uncut version of this? No? Well, I am.

Bones dashes into Kirk's room and tells him that if they don't get Spock to Vulcan inside of eight days, he'll die! Camera zooms shakily in for Melodrama-Cam. "He'll die, Jim!" Bones repeats.

In a commercial break, Nimoy gives us a little history on the Vulcan handshake and the accompanying "live long and prosper." He thought Vulcans should have their own way of greeting one another, and came up with it for "Amok Time." He pitched it to the director, and the director went with it. Funny story: I went to a wedding in Newport this past weekend, and when the rabbi gave the final blessing, he held his hand over the bridal couple in the Vulcan handshake. I don't think it was intended, but now Mathra is black and blue from me poking him.

Kirk wants to know what's wrong with Spock, and -- okay, I have to get this down. Kirk says, "Why...must he die...whywithineight days...explain?!" He's worried that it's syphilis. Bones doesn't know, but all Spock's vital signs are screwy, and dammit, he's just not himself lately. "Spock won't tell me what it is, but if it isn't stopped somehow, the physical and emotional pressures will simply kill him!" Bones says. Kirk stares at Bones for a millisecond and then goes into a Melodramatic Muse as he wanders away. "You say you're convinced he knows what it is?" Kirk asks. "He does, and he's as tight-lipped about it as an Aldeberon [sic] shellmouth," Bones confirms colorfully. Kirk leaves, and Bones calls after him, "No use to ask him, Jim, he won't talk." Kirk's retreating back is all, "Says you!"

In his quarters, Spock stares at a computer photograph of a possessed-looking Vulcan child. His door buzzes, and he allows Kirk in. Kirk tells Spock that he's aware of the Deathwatch Beetle at his door, and he wants to know what can be done. Can of Raid? Very large shoe? Spock looks down and doesn't say anything. "Is it something only your planet can do for you?" Kirk wonders. Spock avoids him, and Kirk grabs his hand, pleading, "Spock!" urgently. Slash -- it's not just an ornamental cut in medieval clothing anymore. Holding a pointy object, Spock's hand shakes in Kirk's grasp, and Kirk gets concerned. Spock wrenches himself out of Kirk's disturbing grasp. Kirk looks hurt and rails at him, "You've been called the best first officer in the fleet. That's an enormous ass...ettome. IF I have to LOSE...thatfirstofficer, I want to know why." Spock gets up and mopes around his quarters. "It is a thing no Outworlder may know except those very few who have been involved." Ooh! Ooh! Did you notice that? He said "except those very few" -- bet Bermaga are holding onto that for dear life! "Vulcan understands, but even we do not speak of it among ourselves. It is a deeply personal thing. Can you see that, Captain, and understand?" Spock pleads. Kirk mulishly says he can't, and orders him to explain. Spock tells him that there are some things which "trahnscend" his duty to the service. Kirk wants to know if Spock could be persuaded by his promise to zip his lips and throw away the key.

The two men stand facing each other, arms behind their backs. Spock broods away from Kirk's gaze and tells his Captain that his little problem "has something to do with biology." Is he talking about the Golgi Complex? Kirk didn't hear him, so Spock repeats, "BIOLOGY." Kirk walks over to Spock and stands to him. "What kind of biology?" Kirk asks. "Vulcan biology," Spock says, taking great interest in the ceiling. "You mean the biology of Vulcans?" Kirk asks. No, genius, he means fifth-period biology -- of course he means the biology of Vulcans! "Biology as in...reproduction?" Kirk asks. Spock nods and examines the tops of his boots. Oh, it's uncomfortable. "Well," Kirk says, "there's nothing to be embarrassed about, Mr. Spock, it happens to the birds and the bees." And to you every Tuesday and Thursday. "The birds and the bees are not Vulcans, Captain!" Spock huffs, and turns towards his bed. "If they were," he continues, "if any creature as proudly logical as us were to have their logic ripped from them as this time does to us..." Spock sighs and looks down. He asks Kirk if he's ever wondered how Vulcans choose their mates. Well, it's my guess that Kirk's been too wrapped up in choosing his own mates to think of anyone else's coupling procedures. "I guess the rest of us assumed that it's done quite logically," Kirk hazards. "No," Spock says, circling Kirk and dropping into his chair. "No," he repeats. Spock explains that they "shield it with ritual and customs shrouded in antiquity." He sniffs that humans have no conception of what goes on behind closed doors when the Vulcans let their hair down. "It strips our minds from us. It brings a madness which rips away our veneer of civilizationit is the pohn fahrr [sic]...the time of mating," Spock tells him.

Kirk sits down as Spock relates some Mother Nature precedents for this affliction. The one that makes me giggle is when he talks about salmon needing to go back to the stream in which they were born in order to spawn. "Or die in trying," Spock rasps. Kirk reminds Spock that he's not a fish. And now I can't get the sight of Spock pulling a Leslie Nielson in Wrongfully Accused and swimming upstream out of my head. "No," Spock agrees. "Nor am I a man. I'm a Vulcan. I'd hoped I would be spared this." "Aw, come on, Spock -- you always remember your first pon farr. It's such a special time," Mathra encourages him. "But the ancient drives are too strong. Eventually they catch up with us, and we are driven by forces we cannot control. To return home and take a wife. Or die." That's all Kirk needs to hear; he fully understands how one could die without sex. He gets up and walks around. Spock has his head bent in shame -- or exhaustion; hard to tell which with these moody Vulcans -- and Kirk tells him he hasn't heard a word he's said and he'll get him to Vulcan somehow. Just pop him in a sh'pod and point him toward his homeworld -- what's the big? Now, not to be too Comic Book Guy, but where did the "every seven years during their adult life" part of the rules of pon farr come in? Spock never says it in my uncut episode. We know Saavik says it in The Search for Spock, so is that the first and defining time?

Bridge. Kirk calls Uhura and tells him to get Admiral Komack on the phone and transfer it to Bones's room. "Mr. Sulu, you don't theenk --" Chekov's wig starts to say. "Maybe you'd better plot a course back to Vulcan," Sulu tells him, "just in case." Sulu throws up his hands as if to say, "Those wild and crazy Above Decks!" Yuk yuk yuk.

Spock plays his Vulcan harp, but is interrupted by a message from Uhura. Spock tosses his harp aside and growls, "Let me alone! LET ME ALONE!" With a single clenched fist, he pounds his computer monitor into a pulp as though it were only -- oh, I don't know -- TINFOIL? I don't think he's going to return her call.

Kirk is told by Admiral Komack that there is no way they can be late to the soiree on Altair VI, especially if Kirk won't explain what is so important. Why doesn't Kirk just lie and say Spock is dying of an unknown alien sickness and can only be helped by a special physician on Vulcan? It's not like it's not a believable storyline. ["Or like believability has ever stood in their way up to this point." -- Sars] "Well, that's that!" Bones says as the Admiral hangs up. Kirk goes on about how being an Altair Boy is just a lot of poop and circumstance with no real importance. Nurse Chapel overhears that Spock might be dying, and frets. Kirk blathers that he owes Spock his life ten times over and is not going to let him die, because he's Spock's friend. "I have been and always shall be your...friend!" Sniff! Kirk calls Chekov's bewigged head and orders him to lay in a course for Vulcan, then orders Engineering to push as hard as possible for warp eight. Nurse Chapel lights up at the news and rushes off to play Florence Nightengown. "Course already plotted. Laying it in, sir," Chekov's impudent wig tells him. "I see," Kirk says, "Very well, carry on, Mr. Chekov."

Nurse Chapel enters Spock's room and sees him lying on the bed. She stands to the bed and looks down at him. Spock's got a lot of weird stuff in his room. What's with the smoking altar with the red flashing light? No wonder he doesn't feel well -- someone should turn that off. "It looks like one of the Country Bears. Can you believe they actually made a movie about them?!" Mathra adds. Nurse Chapel reaches out to touch Spock, but then withdraws her hand and starts to walk away. Spock says, "Miss Chapel." She turns around, and Spock sits up and says, "I had a most startling dream. You were trying to tell me something." Nurse Chapel has a tear on her cheek. "But I couldn't hear you," Spock says, and gets off his bed. He stumbles a bit, and Nurse Chapel moves to help him. He puts his hand out, signaling that he's okay. "It would be illogical for us to protest against our natures, don't you think?" Spock asks. Nurse Chapel says she doesn't understand. Neither do I. Does he mean they should just do it and get it over with, or is he trying to get her to accept the fact that he's Vulcan, she's human, and never the twain should meet? That doesn't really make sense either, since he's only half-Vulcan and his father -- fully Vulcanized -- mated with and married a human two times over. Spock frowns and comments, "Your face is wet." He wipes her cheek. In the shot, the tear is still there as Nurse Chapel says, "I came to tell you that we are bound for Vulcan. We'll be there in just a few days." Spock looks down and nods, "Vulcan." Nurse Chapel turns away. She shouldn't have told him they were on the way to Vulcan -- he would have mated with her! "Miss Chapel," Spock calls after her. "My name is Christine," she tells him without turning around. Aw, poor Nurse Chapel. "Yes, I know, Christine," Spock says. "Would you make me some of that plomeek soup?" Nurse Chapel smiles through her tears and says, "Oh, I would be very glad to do that, Mr. Spock!" Nurse Chapel sobs and runs out. To scrape it off the wall and squeeze it back into a bowl. Spock contemplates stuff. Like how much he loves a recapper named Keckler.

In a turbolift, Spock tells Bones, "It is obvious that you have surmised my problem, doctor. My compliments on your insight." Spock tells Kirk that there is something, "almost an insanity," that Vulcans have to go through which he might find distasteful. "Will I? You've been most patient with my kinds of madness," Kirk smiles. Is that what he calls it? In that case, Spock asks Kirk to beam down to stand with him for the brief ceremony. As his best man? Kirk asks if it's permitted. "It is my right," Spock explains. "By tradition, the male is accompanied by his closest friends." "Thank you, Mr. Spock," Kirk says. Spock turns to Bones and requests his presence as well. "I shall be honored, sir," Bones announces. In the background, you can see the lights indicating that the turbolift is first going sideways and then going up. It's cool.

They step onto the bridge, and Uhura tells them that they're within hailing range of Vulcan. Kirk greets Vulcan, Vulcan greets Kirk. Vulcan confirms that Spock is with them, and tells him to access his central viewer. Nurse Chapel walks onto the bridge and hands something to Bones to sign. She asks what's going on, and Bones shushes her. On the central viewer, a Vulcan woman appears. If you tilt your head to the side, squeeze your eyes half shut, and drink five Tremont Ales, you can see that she is the same scary Vulcan child Spock was looking at on his computer. But now she's beautiful with silver eye shadow. "Spock, it is I," the Vulcan female says. "T'Pring. Parted from me and never parted. Never and always touching and touched. We meet at the appointed place," Spock says. "Spock, parted from me and never parted. Never and always touching and touched," T'Pring says. "I await you." "She's lovely, Mr. Spock, who is she?" Uhura asks. "She is T'Pring, my wife," Spock reveals. Nurse Chapel looks at him, distressed. Bones does a double-take and stares at him. Kirk just gives him a sidelong glance. Keckler, going insane and never sane. Never and always annoying and annoyed. Mathra, doing math and never not doing math. Never and always mathing and mathed.

The three beam down to Vulcan. Vulcan seems to be a planet rich in red blue-screens and Styrofoam rocks. Spock leads them onto the Vulcan answer to Stonehenge with lots of important-looking hanging metal things, ceremonial use only. "This is the land of my family. It's been held by us for more than two thousand Earth years. This is our place of koonut kaliffee," Spock points out. "Mmm, I could go for some coconut coffee, right about now," Mathra croons. Spock walks away, and Bones asks what he's talking about. Because he always has to know EVERY-thing before anyone else, Kirk expounds that Spock explained it as "marriage or challenge." "In the distant past, Vulcans killed to win their mates," Kirk lectures. "They still go mad at this time," Bones comments, in case anyone is just tuning in after the last commercial break. Spock looks at one of the important-looking hanging metal things. "Perhaps it's the price they pay for having no emotions the rest of the time," Bones surmises. Kirk looks around and comments that Vulcan is lovely, but he wishes the breeze were cooler. "Yeah, 'Hot as Vulcan,' now I understand what that phrase means," Bones agrees. Doesn't that phrase actually refer to the Roman god Vulcan and his forge? "The atmosphere is thinner than Earth," Kirk expositions. Spock bangs on the important-looking hanging metal thing. It's in the shape of a coffin. Bones wonders when T'Pring is going to get there.

Spock joins them and tells him he can hear the marriage party approaching. "Marriage party? You said T'Pring was your wife," Kirk wonders. Spock explains that they were matched up by their parents in a ceremony when they were seven years old. "Less than a marriage, but more than a betrothal," Spock says. "One touches the other in order to feel each other's thoughts -- in this way our minds were locked together so that at the proper time we would both be drawn to koonut kaliffee." So, basically, a mind-meld? And T'Pol, though engaged by parental arrangement, still didn't know what a mind-meld was? Fine. Even though Spock says all of this is "ancient tradition," and by the Vulcan lifespan, one hundred and ten years ago ain't really that ancient, fine. "I have a theory that Bermaga are going to say that it's the coconut coffee thing which is truly shrouded in ancient ceremonial secrecy, going way back to the times when they hadn't found their logic, and that this whole mind touching thing is something only Spock, T'Pring's, and other important Vulcan families had as a tradition. We know he comes from an aristocratic family, full of ambassadors, important people, laughing freaks, et cetera -- perhaps Tuvok does as well. Bermaga could just argue that T'Pol is of peasant stock, and therefore never did a mind-meld with her Frank Lloyd Vulcan," Mathra expounds.

Jingle bells shake from somewhere. Spock bangs the coffin gong again, and a fancy procession processes in, carrying some woman in a chair. Kirk hisses at Bones to ask if he knows who that is. Bones doesn't. "T'Pau, the only person to ever turn down a seat on the Federation council," Kirk The Know-It-All says. ["And don't forget that she had a single, 'Heart and Soul,' in the Top Forty back in '87." -- Sars] We now see an older woman dressed in ceremonial garb, with her black hair twisted and piled in some high Vulcan style. In addition to her black tresses, she also has two white braids making a "V" in front and back of the hairdo. "T'Pau, officiating at Spock's wedding?" Bones wonders. "He never mentioned that his family was this important," Kirk says, grinning. T'Pau is put down, and she raises her hand in the Vulcan greeting. Spock approaches, his fingers likewise separated. He kneels before her, and she places her hand on his face -- reading his thoughts? T'Pring looks snotty. Spock stands up, and T'Pau says, "Spoke [don't look at me -- that's what it sounded like], is our ceremony for outvolders?" She's got a better accent than Chekov. Probably because it's a real one. Spock explains that they are his friends, and he has a right to have them there with him. T'Pau raises her hand, and Kirk and Bones approach. T'Pring looks still looks snotty. Spock introduces Kirk. "Ma'am," Kirk says, inclining his head slightly. Spock doesn't introduce Bones. T'Pau looks at him and says, "And thee are called?" "Leonard McCoy, ma'am," Bones says, bowing. "Thee names these outvolders flends. How does thee pledge their behavior?" T'Pau wonders at Spock. Spock tells her he pledges with his life. T'Pring continues to look snotty. T'Pau tells them that what they are about to witness "coomes down from the time of zee beginning -- weethout change. Theese ees the Wulcan heart. Theese ees the Wulcan soul. Theese ees our vay," T'Pau informs them, and throws out her arm and points. "Kaliffarr!" she announces, and two Vulcans begin rattling their bells on abacuses. "Kaliffarr"? Isn't that what the scary dude chants in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom before he attempts to rip out Indiana's heart? Spock walks to the coffin gong. T'Pring darts after him, and before Spock can be a contestant on The Gong Show, T'Pring holds up her hand and announces, "Kaliffee!" Spock looks back at T'Pau in rage. With T'Pring still posed, hand up, he walks toward T'Pau, but is stopped by a large guard with a large weapon. Spock tosses the gong mallet on the ground and stomps off to the wall, where he proceeds to roll his eyes back into his head. We keep getting shots of a weird-looking Vulcan male whose ears are far too big for his head. I think he's going to Be Important Later. Also, I don't like T'Pring. She may be gorgeous, but I'm getting the feeling she's kinda stuck up.

Kirk asks T'Pau what just happened, and T'Pau explains that T'Pring chose challenge over marriage. "With him?!" Bones asks, pointing at the large guard with the large weapon. T'Pau says that the guard only acts if cowardice is seen, and that T'Pring will have to choose her champion. Kirk and Bones give the large-eared Vulcan a look. T'Pring looks bitchy. "Spock," Kirk calls out to the wall. "Do not attempt to speak at him, Kirk. He is deep in the plaktau, the blood fever," T'Pau tells him. As evidence, we see Spock rolling his eyes into the back of his head again. "He vill not speak with thee again until he has passed tru what ees to come. If thee vishes to depart, thee may leeve now," T'Pau says. Is she a Quaker? Kirk and Bones opt to stay, and T'Pau comments that Spock has chosen his friends well. Bones needs clarification: "Ma'am, I don't understand -- are you trying to say that she has rejected him, that she doesn't want him?" T'Pau says that Spock will have to fight for T'Pring: "It is her right." T'Pring continues to look bitchy. Weird Vulcan With Extra-Large Ears looks back and forth. T'Pau asks if T'Pring is ready to "become the property of the victor" of the challenge, and T'Pring says she is. T'Pau asks Spock if he accepts the challenge; Spock nods, his eyes still in the back of his head. T'Pring and Weird Vulcan look at each other. Kirk takes another look at Weird Vulcan and asks if Bones thinks Spock can take him. Bones casts a look back and comments, "I doubt it -- not in his present condition." T'Pau orders T'Pring to choose her champion. T'Pring clasps her hands at her chest and walks toward T'Pau, saying, "As it was in the dawn of our days, as it is today, as it will be for all tomorrows, I make my choice." Kirk stands watching in an exaggerated pose of nonchalance. T'Pring passes by Weird Vulcan, who has stepped up to meet her. "This one!" T'Pring announces, pointing at Kirk. Everyone is taken aback, including the music.

Weird Vulcan protests from the depths of his Jiffy Pop costume, "I am the one. It was agreed!" T'Pau tells him to button it. "Hear me," Weird Vulcan goes on, "I have made the ancient claim. I claim the right, the woman is --" "Kroykah!" T'Pau shouts, fed up. The Cowardice Guard places his weapon between T'Pring and Weird Vulcan. T'Pring bows her head. The Abacus Bells rattle. Weird Vulcan says, "I ask forgiveness," and walks back to his former position on the sidelines. T'Pau tells Kirk that T'Pring can choose him if she wants, but their laws are not enforceable on him. "Thee are free to decline, no harm on thyself," T'Pau finishes. Maybe she's actually Amish. T'Pau gets off her chair and positions herself in front of the Coffin Gong. Head lowered and hands clasped, Spock approaches her and says, "T'Pau." "Thee speaks?" T'Pau wonders. "My friend does not understand," Spock rasps. T'Pau tells him it's up to Kirk to decide. "He does not know," Spock says. "I will do what I must, T'Pau, but not with him. His blood does not burn. He is my friend!" "Eet ees said thy Wulcan blood is thin, are thee Wulcan or are thee human?!" T'Pau questions. Spock goes into detail about all his body parts that are flaming, thus proving himself to be Vulcan. "Thee has the power, T'Pau. In the name of my fathers, forbid. FORBID! T'Pau, I plead with thee -- I beg!" Spock begs and pleads. T'Pau tells him it's a no-go, and a guard comes to wrap a purple sash around Spock.

Kirk approaches to the tune of crazy tribal drums and asks what happens to Spock if he declines. "Another champion vill be selected," T'Pau tells him. Kirk looks at Weird Vulcan, and T'Pau tells him not to interfere with their vays. Bones pulls Kirk away and tells him he can't fight Spock. "I can't?" Kirk asks. "No. She said that their laws and customs were not binding on you," Bones reminds him. Kirk tells Bones that he was the one who said Spock might not be able to handle it, and hypothesizes that he could knock Spock out without hurting him. In what fantasyland of Kirk's would he ever be stronger than Spock? Certainly not on Vulcan, and certainly not when Spock's all a-boil in the blood. "In this climate? If the heat doesn't get you, the thin air will!" Bones says. The guys with the Abacus Bells keep processing in a ceremonial way. The camera shows us Spock's Pon-Farr-Vision. Apparently, when you have the blood fever, you see things as if you were lying on the ground, looking up. Something explodes a little in the fake pile of coals behind T'Pau. Bones tells Kirk he just can't do it. Kirk wipes his brow and says, "If I get into any trouble, I'll quit. And Spock wins and honor is satisfied." Bones tries to say something, but Kirk interrupts him: "He's my first officer and my friend. I disregarded Starfleet orders to bring him here. Another thing, that's T'Pau, a Vulcan. All of Vulcan in one package." Don't tell me he wants to bed her as well? "How can I back out in front of her?"

The bell ringing stops, and T'Pau declares, "Eet ees done." T'Pring smiles smugly. "Kirk, decide!" T'Pau orders. Kirk wipes his upper lip and steps forward. "I accept the challenge," Kirk announces. If he's expecting a big cheer from the stands, he's going to be disappointed. T'Pau tells one and all that the combat for T'Pring begins now, and orders forth the lirpa. That sounds kinda gross; I don't know why. Two guards present two weapons which would be really deadly-looking if they weren't so busy being fake-looking. Spock grabs his weapons and appears to gnash his teeth. Kirk holds his weapon and realizes that it's heavy. "If both survive the lirpa combat, [they] will continue with the ahn woon," T'Pau says, walking back to her chair. Kirk wants to know what she means by "if both survive." T'Pau tells him that this is a fight to the death. Kirk swallows hard and looks at Bones. After glancing at the glowering Spock, Kirk runs back to T'Pau and said he didn't read any small print about a fight to the death. T'Pau doesn't care, because this is as it was in the beginning, this is as it is now, and this is how it will be ever after. Bones also tries to protest, but T'Pau says that she will forgive "such a display" only once. The Guard Of Cowardice comes and puts his weapon to Bones's chest, encouraging him to back off. T'Pau says that the challenge was put forth and lawfully accepted, and no one must interfere further. Spock and Kirk face each other.

Thrust, parry, jump, slash. Spock slashes a slash in Kirk's shirt, exposing his chest. How in the world he managed not to slash his Man Nipples off, I can't conceive. You know, as much face-time as Kirk's Nipples get, you'd think they would insist on top billing, or at the very least "recurring guest star" status. Kirk looks annoyed, but probably feels more of a cooling breeze now. T'Pring looks bored. Slash, jump, parry, thrust. Kirk ducks, and Spock hits the Coffin Gong, breaking it along a pre-perforated crack. Feint right. Spock drops his weapon. Kirk leaps on him. Feint left. Touch. Spock takes Kirk's weapon away and breaks it. Bones looks concerned. Spock chases Kirk around with his weapon. Grabbing hold of the weapon, Kirk flips Spock into the sand. Spock flips Kirk into the sand too and proceeds to aim for his head. "Spock! No!" Bones shouts. Spock misses as Kirk dodges. Kirk must've kicked him in the stomach , because Spock sails backward without his weapon. T'Pau stands up and shouts, "Kroykah!" This must mean stop, because they do. Bones asks T'Pau, "Is this Vulcan chivalry? The air's too hot and thin for Kirk. He's not used to it." T'Pau delivers the best line of the episode: "Zee air ees zee air." She asks what Bones proposes. Bones rips into his magic bag of medical stuff and holds up a hypospray: "I can compensate for the atmosphere and the temperature with this. At least it will give Kirk a fighting chance." T'Pau tells him to go for it. Bones administers the hypospray. Kirk pants. Bones tells Kirk that he's going to have to kill Spock. Kirk won't do it. Then Kirk asks what Bones is plying him with, and Bones tells him it's a "triox compound" that will help him breathe. Me, I just use Albuterol. Bones warns Kirk to be careful. "Sound medical advice," Kirk snarks. Bones goes back to his place on the sidelines, and T'Pau calls out for the ahn woon. I should ask Manimal if her family had anything to do with inventing that device. The Abacus Bells ring, and the two prizefighters are presented with whip-strap-belt thingies. Kirk makes a gesture with his hand like he doesn't know what in hell he's supposed to do with it. Spock shows him by lassoing Kirk around the knees and pulling him to the ground. More tussling. Rolling in the sand. Ooh -- watch out for the papier-mch fire pit. Punching. Then Spock wraps his ahn woon around Kirk's neck and strangles him. Kirk goes limp. T'Pau yells out, "Kroykah!" and Spock looks suddenly aware of what just happened. Weird Vulcan looks as he has this whole episode -- weird. T'Pring looks snidely intrigued.

Bones examines Kirk and declares him dead. Spock looks at the ground and schlumps away. T'Pau says, "I grieve vith thee." I doubt it, lady. Bones calls Enterprise and tells them to stand by to beam them up. Now, when they give the order to beam up, do they have to tell them to lock onto Bones and a body? Presumably corpses don't have bio-signs to be locked onto. Bones walks over to Spock and says, "As strange as it may seem, Mr. Spock, you're in command now. Any orders?" Spock, stunned, tells him to beam up and he will follow shortly. "You will instruct Mr. Chekov to plot a course to the nearest starbase, where I must surrender myself to the authorities." Spock glares at T'Pau. Bones leaves with Kirk's body. We hear it, but we don't see it.

Spock addresses his betrothed: "Explain." "Specify," T'Pring replies. Spock wants to know why she challenged him and why she chose Kirk for him to kill. "Stonn wanted me. I wanted him," T'Pring explains. Spock looks at Stonn, a.k.a. Weird Vulcan, and says, "I see no logic in preferring Stonn over me." Neither do I -- Stonn is UG-LY. T'Pring tells Spock that he (Spock, not Stonn) has become like a legend among the Vulcans, and she realized that she didn't want to be married to a legend. "But by the laws of our people, I could only divorce you by the Kaliffee. There was also Stonn who wanted very much to be my consort and I wanted him. If your captain were victor, he would not want me and so I would have Stonn. If you were victor, you would free me because I had dared to challenge and again I would have Stonn. But if you did not free me, it would be the same, for you would be gone and I would have your name and your property and Stonn would still be there," T'Pring explains. "Logical," Spock proclaims. "Flawlessly logical." T'Pring bows her head and whispers that she is honored. Spock calls to Stonn and tells him, "She is yours. After a time you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical but it is often true." Ouch. Spock comms the ship and tells them to stand by to beam him up. T'Pring looks down. Spock goes to say goodbye to T'Pau. "Live long and prosper, Spock," T'Pau tells him. "I shall do neither. I have killed my captain and my friend," Spock reminds her, and beams up. I think his parents are going to be mad when they find out he broke the Coffin Gong.

Sick Bay. Bones and Nurse Chapel jump up to greet their new Captain. "Doctor, I shall be resigning my commission -- immediately, of course," Spock tells him. Bones tries to speak. "So I would appreciate your making the final arrangements," Spock continues, standing with his back to the examining room door. Again, Bones tries to talk. "Doctor, please, let me finish," Spock requests. "There can be no excuse for the crime of which I am guilty. I intend to offer no defense." Kirk comes up behind him. "Furthermore, I shall order Mr. Scott to take immediate command of this vessel." "Don't you think you better check with me first?" Kirk asks. Spock whips around and exclaims, "Captain!" Kirk grins and starts to walk by, but Spock grabs him by the arm, whirls him around, and shrieks, "JIM!" There's a big ol' smile plastered across his Vulcan face. The smile fades as he realizes that Nurse Chapel and Bones are grinning at him. He releases Kirk and says, pulling down his shirt in a Picard maneuver, "I am pleased to see you, Captain. You seem uninjured. I am at something of a loss to understand it, however." Kirk says, "Blame McCoy -- that was no triox compound he shot me with. He slipped in a neural paralyzer." Of course he did. "Knocked me out, simulated death," Kirk finishes. "Indeed?" Spock replies. Okay, but when T'Pau discovers that Kirk is really alive, won't she declare the challenge match voided and make them do it again to get it right? I mean, they're all into their customs of today, yesterday, tomorrow and stuff; you'd think they'd be sticklers for dead meaning dead, not feigned dead.

Bones asks Chapel to leave. Poor Nurse Chapel. "Spock, what happened down there? The girl? The wedding?" Bones demands. Spock explains, "Hmm, most interesting. It must have been the combat, when I thought I had killed the Captain, I found that I had lost all interest in T'Pring. The madness was gone." The boatswain whistle sings out. Uhura tells Kirk that she's got a message from Starfleet Command for him, and Kirk tells her to relay it. "'Response to T'Pau's request for diversion of Enterprise to planet Vulcan, hereby approved. Any reasonable delay granted. Komack, Admiral, Starfleet Command,'" Uhura reads back. "Well, a little late but I'm glad they're seeing it our way. How about that T'Pau -- they couldn't turn her down," Kirk muses, and tells Chekov to lay in a course to Altair VI. "There's just one thing, Mr. Spock," Bones demands. "You can't tell me that when you first saw Jim alive, that you weren't on the verge of an emotional scene that would have brought the house down!" "Merely my quite logical relief that Starfleet had not lost a highly proficient captain," Spock comments. "Yes, Mr. Spock, I understand," Kirk says. "Thank you, Captain," Spock says. "Of course, Mr. Spock, your reaction was quite logical," Bones says sarcastically. Spock thanks him and goes to leave with Kirk. "In a pig's eye!" Bones snaps. I was wrong before -- that was the best line of the episode. Spock and Kirk stop and look at Bones, who stares back at them indignantly. "Come on, Spock, let's go mind the store," Kirk yuks, and leaves. Bones sniffs to himself as The Oboe And Trumpet Of Cracker-Barrel Dialogue lilt up the scale.