Enterprise S01E29

By the light of a large lavender blue-screen, Kirk poses on a dais as he confers with a man in an orange tunic. Thunder and lightning from a Boris Karloff horror flick crash somewhere nearby. Orange Tunic tells Kirk, "We believe what you say, Captain, but our position has not altered. The Halkan Council cannot permit your Federation to mine dilithium crystals on our planet." Kirk tells him that their history will prove the Federation has a mission of peace, not war, but Orange Tunic tells him that that might be true now, but who knows what could happen in the future. If the dilithium taken from their planet were used to kill one person, it would violate the Halkans' unbroken history of total peace, and to prevent that, they would willingly die as a race. Oh, quit it with the Joan of Arc-ing; it's just a few measly crystals. Kirk respects Orange Tunic's ethics, and adds that he hopes to prove theirs to the Halkans.

More Karloff crashes. Kirk comms Enterprise and asks for a report on the magnetic storm. Spock reports that it's of the standard ion variety, very violent and unpredictable. Kirk tells them to get ready to beam him and the landing party aboard, then asks Orange Tunic when they can confer again. "The Council will meditate further. But do not be hopeful of any change," Orange Tunic tells him. Kirk is readying himself to beam up when Orange Tunic adds, "Captain, you do have the might to force the crystals from us, of course." Kirk turns to show the camera his best angle: "But we won't. Consider that!" Orange Tunic looks thoughtful. Kirk gives the transport order, and they de-materialize just as more fake thunder and lightening crashes.

Spock enters the transporter room and is told by the transporter chief that they're having trouble with the beam up. The away team's images almost solidify, but then faaaade and disappear. Shot of Enterprise above a stock red gobstopper planet. Green flashes of light. Wait! There's another Enterprise going the opposite direction over the red gobstopper! What can this all mean? The away team materializes on the transporter pad -- but hang on a moment, what are they wearing? Uhura seems to have lost the middle section of her uniform during transport and is now wearing just a red jog bra and matching mini-skirt with thigh-high black leather boots and a sparkly gold sash. Bones and Scotty got off lightly, sartorially speaking; their normal shirts are tastefully augmented by a few foreign insignias and patches, but they too are wearing gold sashes. But it's Kirk's ensemble that takes the cellular peptide cake: he's duded up in a sleeveless crossover gold top with brushed gold trim, foreign patches, and a gold sash. It's like the gold lam machine swallowed a canister of sequins and then experienced explosive diarrhea all over him. Not noticing anything amiss with themselves, the away team steps off of the transporter pad. Kirk says, "Spock was right -- it was a rough trip." Kirk suddenly looks up and notices that Spock has a goatee! How long were they on that planet? The Vulcan Formerly Known As Spock and the transporter chief each pound twice with a clenched right fist on the left side of their upper chests and Heil their arms out, a la Sammy Sosa. Two door guards also do the Heil, Kirkler action. Finally, the away team looks down and notices their costume changes. Captain, I don't think we're in Kronos anymore. Have you ever noticed that whenever TOS had a alternate universe episode, someone always had to paste on a facial toupe?

The Vulcan Formerly Known As Spock asks Kirk what the status of his mission is, while behind him, Uhura rushes to show Scotty her seven-minute abs. Scotty hushes her and points at the Chia Pet squatting on Spock's face. "No change," Kirk carefully informs his science officer. "Standard procedure, Captain?" TVFKAS asks. Kirk takes in TVFKAS's lovely lam sash and his added arsenal of freedom -- a dagger (but not of the mind) and a gun -- before nodding. TVFKAS fiddles with the transporter controls and announces, "Mr. Sulu, you will program phaser barrage on Halkan cities." Sulu confirms. The away team looks around at each other, and TVFKAS asks Kirk what the Halkan military capacity is. "None," Kirk says, still stunned that TVFKAS looks more fetching in his cobalt blue satin jacket than he does in his lamd-to-death undershirt. "Regrettable that this society has chosen suicide," TVFKAS comments before upbraiding the transport chief: "Mr. Kyle, you were instructed to compensate during the ion storm!" Mr. Kyle tries to make excuses, but TVFKAS tells him that carelessness will not be tolerated. "Your agonizer," TVFKAS requests. "No, Mr. Spock!" Kyle protests. "Your agonizer, please," TVFKAS orders, advancing on Kyle as a guard holds him. The magic word will get you an agonizer, every time. Kyle desperately protests that he really tried to compensate for his stupidity. A guard removes a red device from Kyle's tool belt and hands it to TVFKAS, who places it on Kyle's chest. There's lots of static noise as Kyle recoils in pain and screams. Uhura looks away in distress, Scotty looks concerned, and Bones looks blank. Kirk almost steps forward to stop TVFKAS, but doesn't. Finally the agonizer is removed from Kyle, who slides down the wall to the ground. On the wall, exposed slowly as Kyle slumps, a gray icon depicting Earth with a sword piercing it, pole to pole, is exposed for maximum dramatic effect. Kirk stares at TVFKAS, obviously thinking, "The horror! The horror!" at the plomeek soup residue on his hirsute chin.

Somehow, Kirk managed to stop off somewhere and squeeze out a log: "Stardate, unknown. During an ion storm, my landing party has beamed back to the Enterprise and found it and the personnel aboard changed. The ship is subtly altered, physically. Behavior and discipline has become brutal, savage." And I can't figure out why my undies keep creeping up my butt like a oversized, spandexed inchworm. TVFKAS drops the agonizer onto its owner and instructs Scotty and Bones to tend to repairs and injuries. An Agonized Kyle drags himself back to his post. "Well, gentlemen?" TVFKAS prompts as Scotty and Bones stand motionless. Kyle reports that the transporter beam "jumped" just as the away team was materializing. "I've never seen that happen before," Kyle adds. "Due to your error?" TVFKAS demands, but Kyle tearfully insists that it happened before that. TVFKAS jolts Kirk away from an intense examination of his attire by asking him if he feels any "ill effects" from the transport. Kirk turns, half his face in drama shadow, and says, "Yes!" He turns to the away team -- the other half of his face now immersed in drama shadow -- and says, "Dr. McCoy, you'd better look us over. That was a rough beam-up." He squints at them so they "get it," and Scotty and Uhura exchange a look of Obviously Playing Along Comprehension. Bones agrees and they all head off to Sick Bay. In the doorway, Kirk whirls to face TVFKAS, making his sash spin out prettily (you just know he practiced that move many times in the mirror), and orders him to check the transporter circuits.

In the hallway, the away team dodges a few more Sosa Heils and alternative red shirt uniforms, and Scotty and Uhura both try to ask what's going on. "Not now, not now," Kirk says grandly, holding up a hand for silence, once again looking down to admire his costume. You all think I'm kidding with that, but I'm not. The man must've been giddy as a post-Paris Helen of Troy in all that splendor. In Sick Bay, Bones crabs that all his stuff has been messed with and moved around. "No, not everything," Bones points at his table. "That spot. I spilled acid there a year ago. Jim, what in blazes --" Kirk interrupts him, "I don't know. It's our Enterprise but it isn't." And now for some more Deep Thoughts By Kirk Handy. Kirk asks if anyone else felt dizzy during transport. Both Uhura and Scotty admit to being dizzy. "It happened twice," Kirk steamrolls. "First we were in our own transporter chamber, then we faded. And when we finally materialized we were here -- wherever this is." Scotty reminds him that Kyle mentioned a power surge: "The transporter lock might have been affected by the ion storm and we just materialized somewhere else." "Yes, here," Kirk says, a real Einstein at pointing out the obvious, and goes on to expound, "Not our universe, not our ship, something...parallel! A parallel universe, coexisting with ours on another dimensional plane. Everything's duplicated...almost. Another Enterprise, Spock with a beard..." "Another Captain Kirk, another Dr. McCoy," Uhura continues the list. "An exchange," Bones whispers. "If we're here --" Kirk interrupts again to fill in that their counterparts must have been beaming up at the exact same time: "Similar storms in both universes disrupted the circuits." But not their uniforms. Somehow along the way, they managed to swap clothes with the other thems. Yeah, that makes sense. But only if the Evil Spellbinder stole the "ense" from that word and replaced it with "tupid" before Letterman could figure it out, because he was too busy being stronger than silent E or leaping capital T in a single bound. "We're here and they're...[cue Discordant Brass Of Dramatic Revelation] on our Enterprise! Probably asking the same questions: 'Are we in another universe and if so, how do we get back to our own?'" And "who the hell stole my gold sparkly sash!?" Kirk hypothesizes that the Other Thems will try to use the computer to figure out what's going on, as they will have to do. Bones reminds Kirk they can't allow the Halkans to be vaporized, and Kirk pauses, scandalized that he allowed himself to be distracted by shiny clothing enough to miss out on his "Save The Downtrodden" sonnet. He asks Scotty to buy them time by shorting out the technobabble because everyone will think the ion storm did it. "Then get on this technology [that's a broad command] -- it's all we have to work with if we want to get back home." Kirk then warns everyone that the intercoms may be bugged, so they should use their communicators on a subfrequency and scramble. Scotty leaves. Kirk tells Uhura to get to her post and figure out what his Starfleet orders are regarding the Halkans. Uhura makes to leave but then turns. "Captain. I-I'm -- " Oh, brother. Kirk is at her side in a flash of lam, concerned and comforting. He grasps her shoulders, looks deep into her cleavage, and tells her she's the only one who can "do it." "I'll be right there," Kirk promises her nipples. Uhura leaves to take a shower in Clorox bleach. Kirk calls Bones over to his computer, and they start working on something. Can't you just see Kirk plying Roddenberry with a vat of rye and saying, "Yeah, yeah, it will make sense if I figure it all out, even do Scotty's strategizing, and then pretty much soliloquize throughout the whole episode. Another drink, Gene? Now exactly how many bolts of lam were you planning on buying?"

Bridge. Uhura enters and looks around, attracting Sulu's attention. Deliberately, he gets up and saunters over to the comm panel and lounges against it. He smiles creepily at her and grabs her chin, asking, "Still no interest, Uhura, hmm? I could change your mind." We can see that he's got a faker-than-possible-even-for-Star-Trek-fake scar from his forehead around to his jawbone. "You are away from your post, mister!" Uhura tells him. Scarlu asks who's there to stop him. "When the cat's away --" Scarlu starts to chuckle, but Uhura smacks his hand away just as Kirk enters the bridge. Kirk returns the Sosa Heiling and goes to Uhura for a communications report. Uhura whispers to him that he's ordered to destroy the Halkans unless they comply. No alternative. Kirk mounts his chair and thinks. "Commence fire, Captain?" Scarlu asks. Kirk ignores him. "Captain?" Scarlu asks, giving him the half-turn in his chair. Kirk tells him to stand by.

Elsewhere, Scotty tries to poke his nose into places it doesn't belong, but is told that the captain's orders amount to little more than a hill of beans without Security Chief Scarlu's signoff. "Never mind," Scotty says, and bumbles off. He intercoms Lam Kirk that there's no damage to the phasers. Ah, that's code for not being able to complete his chore. Lam Kirk thanks him, and TVFKAS enters the bridge. TVFKAS comments that the planet's rotation is now carrying the Halkan target away from their phaser arc. Scarlu asks if he should reconfigure, but Lam Kirk tells him not to bother. TVFKAS arches an eyebrow at him and orders Scarlu to lock on to a secondary city. Lam Kirk tells Uhura to call the Halkans because he misses the sound of their voices. TVFKAS wants to know what's going on. Lam Kirk says that, as the Halkans are a new race, they offer more than just dilithium crystals. Sure -- there's their folk music and their beaded purses. "But it is clear that we cannot expect their cooperation. They have refused the Empire. Command procedure dictates that we provide the customary example," TVFKAS tells him. Did you catch that? That there's no Federation, but an "Empire," and that their "customary" action is one of total annihilation? Okay, then -- just making sure you're awake. Scarlu, annoyed, says that the secondary city is now beyond destruction range as well. Lam Kirk orders the weapons on standby, and TVFKAS tells him he's committed a "serious breach of orders." Lam Kirk tells him he has his reasons, which he will explain when he's good and ready to make them up. Uhura's got the Halkan High Council on the horn; it's Orange Tunic from the opening scene and, in a clever case of episode dj vu, Orange Tunic explains again why Lam Kirk will only get his grubby hands on their dilithium over their dead civilization. Lam Kirk tells him he's got twelve hours to reconsider, and hangs up.

He then orders the phasers turned off, and TVFKAS tells him that his twelve-hour stay of total destruction is unprecedented. Lam Kirk ignores him, telling Uhura that he'll be in his quarters and he wants Scotty and Bones there as well. To help him pry off his suction-cupped leather boots, presumably. Weird cut to Chekov and his Davy Jones hair plug, which presses some buttons on his station and gets onto the turbo lift. Uhura looks as though she's on the verge of whining again, so Lam Kirk shakes his head and gets onto the turbo lift with Chekov's hair plug. TVFKAS warns him that his conduct is going to earn him dilithium demerits, and Kirk tells him he's free to tattle on him if he so desires. "Deck five, sir?" Chekov's hair plug asks creepily. Kirk nods. On deck five, Kirk runs smack into the flat of someone's hand, which cleverly manages to pop the blood packet under his lip. Two henchmen take advantage of Kirk's stunned state and restrain him as Chekov's hair plug walks out of the turbo lift, phaser aimed. Chekov's hair plug tells Kirk he's going to assassinate him and get everyone a promotion as a result. "No one will question the assassination of a captain who has disobeyed prime orders of the Empire," Chekov's hair plug says, smiling a creepy smile and walking a creepy mile to live in a creepy house for awhile.

Lam Kirk logs that he's commanding a ship of assassins. Better than a ship of fools. D'you hear me, Cpt. Quantum? DO YOU? Wait, how is he doing this log? Isn't he being held by those goons? The scene shows that, yes, he still is being held by those goons. That confirms the sneaking suspicion I've had all along that all captain's logs are nothing more than vain figments of the captains' imaginations. Some other guy in a light blue uniform sneaks up behind Chekov's hair plug and biffs him on the arm, making him drop his weapon. Lam Kirk beats up the two goons, who both end up vaporized by the other guy. Why not vaporize Chekov's hair plug, then? Two more men in light blue uniforms get off the turbo lift, and Other Guy tells Lam Kirk they're Lam Kirk's own men. "Easy, Farrell, I did your job. Ask the Captain," Other Guy tells The Captain's Men. Lam Kirk confirms this, looking as though he's not entirely sure which end is up. "Smart boy, switching to the top dog," one of The Captain's Men comments. Lam Kirk orders them to brush Chekov's hair plug out of there. "Mr. Chekov was going to make me a chief, sir. You could make me an officer," Other Guy tells Lam Kirk. Lam Kirk says, "All right, you're working for me." "A commission?" Other Guy asks. "You're in line, you could even make captain," Lam Kirk tells him. "Yes, sir!" Other Guy says. Then Lam Kirk punches him out. Other Guy falls to the floor, grabbing at his side -- why, I don't know, since he was punched in the face -- as Lam Kirk snarls, "Not on my ship." He's really getting into his brutal role, isn't he? One of Lam Kirk's men asks, "The booth for this one, sir?" holding Chekov's hair plug by the roots. Lam Kirk pauses, nursing his bloody lip, before saying, "Yes, the booth. Carry on." Chekov's hair plug is carted off to Rogaine for reimplantation.

In Lam Kirk's quarters, Scotty, Lam Kirk, and Bones reconnoiter. "Here, here, what's this?" Bones asks, dabbing at Lam Kirk's lip. If you don't know, you should get a refund on your medical degree. "It's called...blood," Lam Kirk tells him, with a bit too much drama. Lam Kirk tells them of the assassination attempt by Chekov's hair plug and that they must be cautious, as they'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. "Mr. Sulu is Security Chief like the ancient Gestapo!" Scotty blusters. "And my sick bay is a chamber of horrors. Two of my assistants were betting on the tolerance of an injured man -- how long it would take him to pass out from the pain!" Bones says. Lam Kirk asks for a report on their technology, and Scotty tells him it's nothing he can't handle. Lam Kirk asks about the star readings, and Scotty reports that everything is exactly where it should be, except them.

Lam Kirk tries out his computer -- decidedly not Majel Barrett's voice -- and starts a record of research to be released only under his voice imprint or Scotty's. A lot of technobabble aside, Lam Kirk asks the computer whether it's possible for an ion storm to have an interaction with a transporter beam that would create an interdimensional rift. "Affirmative," the computer responds. Lam Kirk asks if it's conceivable for the human counterparts to be transposed into the wrong dimensions. "Affirmative," the computer responds. Lam Kirk inquires as to whether the conditions resulting in the above debacle could be artificially created using the ship's power. "Affirmative," the computer responds. Lam Kirk orders the computer to record the procedure necessary to affect such a situation. The computer does it. Easiest research I've ever slept through. Lam Kirk gives the recorded plastic card to Scotty and tells him to hop to it, but Scotty says he'll need help, and Lam Kirk would be too conspicuous. They look at Bones who grumbles, "I'm a doctor, not an engineer." Scotty tells him, "Now you're an engineer," and then technobabbles to himself. Bones wonders what kind of people they are in this alternate universe, so Lam Kirk asks the computer. Calling up his service record, Lam Kirk discovers that he's had a long and bloody career, starting with his assassination of Cpt. Christopher Pike. Has anyone ever made the connection that Christopher Pike wrote a lot of teen slasher novels in the eighties with names like Chain Letter, Slumber Party, and Remember Me? It's nice that he's making constructive use of his down time in that chair with the flashing lights. Lam Kirk cancels the recitation of Kirk the Impaler, and Scotty technobabbles to them about how they are going to go about their procedure. I can't really pretend that I listened too hard. The most important thing to know is that something will show up on Scarlu's security panel, alerting him to their shenanigans. "Off course, we'll only need a second," Scotty tells them. Lam Kirk muses that he will get Uhura to distract Scarlu with a few stripteases, and orders them all back to their stations. Bones wonders what their evil counterparts are doing back in their universe. "On our Enterprise," Lam Kirk ponders. Yes, in your underwear.

And we're tesseracted to the other dimension. Evil Kirk is bellowing like a walrus with a sore head as two guards force him down a hall and throw him into a brig. Spock enacts the force-field and then stands watching Evil Kirk and the other three. "You traitorous pig. I'll hang you up by your Vulcan ears. I'll have you all executed!" Evil Kirk shrieks. "I think not," Spock calmly comments. "Your authority on this ship is extremely limited, Captain. The four of you will remain here in the brig and in custody until I discover how to return you to where ever it is you belong." "Has the whole galaxy gone crazy? What kind of uniform is this? Where's your beard? What's going on? Where's my personal guard? Why aren't I wearing a thong?" Evil Kirk blathers. I might've added that last one. Spock tells him that he can't answer any of his questions at this time. Evil Kirk chuckles evilly and tells Spock that whatever his evil game is, he'll play it and be evil about it. Parcheesi, then? "You want credits -- I'll give them to you. You'll be a rich man. A command of your own? I can swing that too," Evil Kirk says. Spock postulates that "some sort of transposition has taken place. I find it extremely interesting." Spock walks away, and Evil Kirk, somehow able to thrust his chest outside the force field, asks Spock what will buy him. Spock pauses without looking at him, raises and eyebrow, and says, "Fascinating." He walks on, and Evil Kirk keeps yelling after him that he can show him the world in shining, shimmering splendor and asks him when he last let his heart decide.

TVFKAS catches up with Lam Kirk in the hallway and tells him he's glad Chekov wasn't successful in his assassination attempt: "I should regret your death." Lam Kirk asks him why that is, and TVFKAS tells him that he doesn't want the captaincy, as he is more than satisfied with his scientific post, which makes him a "lesser target." "Logical, as always, Mr. Spock," Lam Kirk comments. Some screams interrupt them, and Lam Kirk turns to see Chekov in a plastic booth, being tortured by unseen means. TVFKAS comments that the Agony Booth is the best way of disciplining crewmen, and assumes that Lam Kirk ordered up the "full duration." Ah, the Agony Booth -- known to the laity as TWoP recapping. Lam Kirk says he hasn't decided. "Indeed. His act warrants death," TVFKAS tells him. "I said I haven't decided!" Lam Kirk shouts. Touchy about death sentences, isn't he? TVFKAS shrugs him off and asks if he's going to persist in his unorthodox way of dealing with the Halkans. "You heard my orders," Lam Kirk snaps. TVFKAS repeats his statement that he's going against "standard Empire procedure," which will get him into deep doo-doo. Lam Kirk wants to know if he's threatening him with poo. "I do not threaten, Captain. I merely state facts. I have found you to be an excellent officer. Our missions together have been both successful and profitable. However, I shall not permit your aberrations to jeopardize my position." Lam Kirk mulls for a few seconds and then asks TVFKAS if he's of the opinion that they should destroy the Halkans. "Terror must be maintained or the Empire is doomed. It is the logic of history," TVFKAS responds. "Conquest is easy, control is not. We have bitten off more than we can chew," Lam Kirk says. TVFKAS tells his captain that he doesn't want to be in opposition to him, but if he persists in acting odd."It is my concern, not yours. You would find me a formidable enemy," Lam Kirk swaggers. "I am aware of that, Captain. I trust you are aware of the reverse," TVFKAS states, and moves off with his Vulcan henchman. Lam Kirk's goon asks what his orders are, and Lam Kirk tells him to release Chekov and send him to his room without any dessert. The goon pauses for a split second before Sosa Heiling off. Lam Kirk looks as smug as someone who just realized he's wearing a lam thong with a matching demi-cup bra.

Scotty and Bones knock out a guard and start fiddling with the ship.

Lam Kirk enters his quarters and stops short when he realizes that the half-naked woman he ordered has arrived. The Half-Naked Woman stirs on the bed and sits up, saying, "Mmm, I fell asleep. We had quite a time in the chem lab, picking up after the storm." She swings her leather boots off the bed and presses a button. A panel slides open to reveal two filled champagne glasses. I wonder if they even bother with synthahol in the alternate universe. Half-Naked passes a glass to Lam Kirk and comments that her day was nothing compared to his. You just know he's thinking, "Nearly nekkid hottie...sure, I'll play along." "I heard about Chekov," Half-Naked tells him. "He gambled, I won," Lam Kirk tells her. Half-Naked doesn't agree and tells him he got lucky (and something tells me he's about to get lucky again), and that she's surprised he allowed himself to be caught off-guard. "I was...preoccupied," Lam Kirk grins. Half-Naked breathes her understanding and comments that he's still in trouble with Starfleet. Lam Kirk pauses mid-sip and looks at her. I suppose he didn't think he was bedding down with someone intelligent enough to know what is going on around the ship? Half-Naked continues, "What you've got in mind this time is beyond me. You're scheming of course. The Halkans have something you want, or -- is it all some clever means to advance you to the Admiralty?" If by "clever" she means "more convoluted than the sirings and nefarious plots of Stefano DiMera," then I'll agree. Lam Kirk just looks at her. "Kirk, the cabinet itself?" Half-Naked asks, impressed. "Further than that if I'm successful," Lam Kirk brags. "Really?" Half-Naked says, undulating her hips toward him. "Well, you must know what you're doing -- you always do." Half-Naked twines her arms around Lam Kirk's neck and kisses him, asking, "If I'm to be the woman of a Caesar, can't I know what you're up to?" Lam Kirk just stares at her and allows her to kiss him some more. Then he gets a call on his intercom and Half-Naked unwinds herself, reluctantly allowing him to answer it. It's TVFKAS, calling to tell him that he received a private message from Starfleet Command and he's putting himself in deep doo-doo by telling Lam Kirk what the message said. "I am instructed to wait until planet dawn over principal target to permit you to carry out our mission," TVFKAS tells him. Lam Kirk asks what happens if he doesn't carry out the mission, and TVFKAS informs him that he has orders to kill Lam Kirk, and destroy the Halkans as the new captain.

Lam Kirk has another mental dear-diary moment to remind us of the situation, which I'm not going to repeat, because if you don't know what's going on by now, you should go back and start reading from the beginning. The only update is that Lam Kirk has four hours to destroy the Halkans or he will be assassinated by TVFKAS. Lam Kirk and Half-Naked toast TVFKAS for being the only one aboard who has the "decency" to warn Lam Kirk. "And he'll die for it," Half-Naked adds. "You'll never find another man like him." She hitches her non-existent skirt up and sits on Lam Kirk's desk. Lam Kirk tells her that he has no intention of killing TVFKAS. "Are you going to act against the Halkans before the deadline?" Half-Naked asks. "No, but I'll avoid killing Spock," Lam Kirk answers. "Just get him out of the way -- he and his men?" Half-Naked wants to know. Lam Kirk tells her he'll do her one better and get himself out of TVFKAS's way. "Shall I activate the Tantalus Field? You'll at least want to monitor him, won't you?" Half-Naked offers. The who-in-the-what-mythological-reference-now? The Discordant Trumpets Of Evil-Doing Device warn us to look up "Tantalus" in Bulfinch's Mythology in order to remember more than that he was condemned in Hades always to have fruit and water just a bit outside his grasp. Lam Kirk hedges a yes on that one. Otherwise he wouldn't ever know what the hell she was talking about. Half-Naked waits to see if he's going to do it himself, then goes to the wall and touches a trapezoid in two places. It slides up, revealing a monitor and buttons. Half-Naked shudders, "I hate this thing." Lam Kirk joins her and says, "It's not that bad." "Of course not, it made you Captain," Half-Naked tells him, then asks how many enemies he rid himself of just by pressing a button. Lam Kirk frowns. "Fifty? One hundred? And I always thought that was funny -- the great, powerful Captain Kirk, who owes everything to some unknown alien scientist and a plundered laboratory," Half-Naked says. So, she doesn't mean funny ha-ha; she means funny psychopathic. Lam Kirk comments that if one doesn't take advantage of things -- "You don't rise to the command of a starship," Half-Naked finishes for him. Lam Kirk nods. "Or even higher," Half-Naked says, and switches on the Tantalus Field.

The monitor shows TVFKAS sitting in his quarters, arms crossed. "That magnificent mind of his, but it cannot protect him from this." Half-Naked's long white fingernail hovers over a well-worn button. "I press it and he dies," she tells him, her fingernail waving over the button like a snake. It's just a hidden camera with a kick? Big whoop -- not nearly enough to warrant being granted a title that has to do with revealing secrets of the gods. For the last time, Roddenberry, Kirk is NOT a god. "Now?" Half-Naked asks. Lam Kirk grabs her wrist and turns off the monitor. Half-Naked arches an eyebrow at him -- I swear, everyone on this show had to go to the Joan Crawford Institute of Eyebrow Technique before they were allowed on this set -- and says, "You really mean it." She closes the device and shrugs that if TVFKAS doesn't carry out his order, he'll be killed anyway. Lam Kirk growls that he'll make sure that doesn't happen. Half-Naked wonders what kind of hare-brained scheme he's cooking up that keeps him from being afraid of Starfleet Command. "And what about me? How does Marlena fit in?" Half-Naked asks. So that's her name. Good thing she Bob Doled herself or there may never have been an end to her Half-Nakedness. Actually, there probably won't really be an end to that. But now Lam Kirk will know what name to call out, so that's nice. Lam Kirk strokes her face and asks, "How does Marlena want to fit in?" Ew, ew, EW. Marlena sashays into the other room. To slip into something even less comfortable? Lam Kirk comms Scotty for a progress report, and with a lot of unnecessary technobabble, Scotty tells him that their ticket to the dimension will only be redeemable for another half an hour. After that, they'll never get back. Scotty tells Kirk he needs to get to the transporter room to clear the board in ten minutes. Kirk agrees, and says they'll meet up in Sick Bay.

TVFKAS is told by the narc computer that Kirk and Scotty are using Engineering to conduct security research. Some lights begin flashing and beeping ear-piercingly on TVFKAS's computer, and TVFKAS comms Scarlu and demands to know why he's monitoring his communications. Scarlu gives some non-answer and then proceeds to imply that he knows the nature of TVFKAS's orders from Starfleet; he obliquely suggests that the two of them team up against the captain. TVFKAS tells him to mind his own business. Scarlu delivers a thinly veiled threat centering around TVFKAS watching his back if he becomes captain. TVFKAS comments, "I do not want to command the Enterprise, but if it should befall me, I suggest you remember that my operatives would avenge my death. And some of them are Vulcans." Because Vulcans are illogical enough to take revenge seriously in that universe? Scarlu looks like he swallowed a gnat, and hangs up.

Lam Kirk's cabin. The door Marlena disappeared behind slides back to reveal her, wearing a whole lot of scantiness. She uncrosses her arms to show just how insufficiently she's covered under a sheer muumuu of crazy stripes. I think my mom had drapes like that thirty years ago. But through the haze of LSD, it looks like she's got on a black bra and gold panties. Was there a lam clearance sale at Joann Fabrics or something? "Oiling my traps, darling," Marlena tells Kirk. I hope she remembers to wipe her oiled "traps" before she sits down on anything -- Chekov just cleaned the upholstery. "I'm afraid I'm a little out of practice. Maybe that's what happened to us, hmm?" Marlena asks, walking her "trap" nearer to Kirk. "It's very hard for a working officer to shine as a woman every minute," Marlena goes on, "and you demand perfection." Lam Kirk finally rolls his tongue back in his mouth to say that he's never seen perfection, but she comes pretty darn close to it. Yes, that and the glimpse of daylight you can see between her legs. Marlena, who seems to be having difficulty lifting her "trap" up so she can sit down, tells him she remembers when he always used to talk like that. Lam Kirk waggles over to her and tells her he still does. Marlena tells him to prove it, and makes him sit to her. Ooh, I think he just sat on her oiled trap -- hope they've got a dry cleaner who specializes in lam. Lam Kirk shakes his head woefully and tells her he must go. "Ship's business? An important task on the crew deck?" Marlena asks bitingly. Lam Kirk just looks at her and gets up. Marlena looks down and crosses her arms over her oiled traps and says, "Well, I guess it's over. Commander Kenno will take me temporarily -- he's made that quite clear. I'll call a yeoman to help me with my things." She gets up and goes to the comm panel. Lam Kirk tells her she doesn't have to do that. Marlena looks at him and asks if he's feeling sorry for her, of all oiled traps to feel sorry for. "Do I see hesitation in your eyes? About anything? I want one thing, Captain. Transfer me! On the Enterprise I am humiliated. On another ship I can hunt fresh game, I've got my rank and --" Marlena stops herself and looks accusingly at Lam Kirk. "Don't I?" she demands. Lam Kirk nods slightly. Marlena declares, "I've been a Captain's woman and I like it. I'll be one again if I have to go through every officer in the fleet!" That'll take a lot of oiled traps. Though I think she might hit a cul-de-sac in TVFKAS. All Lam Kirk says is, "You could." Marlena starts to strike him, but he stops her and says, "I simply meant, that you could be anything you want to be." Yeah, I'm so sure that's what you meant. They kiss. Wasn't he supposed to be diddling around in the transporter room ten minutes ago, not diddling around with oiled traps? Marlena guesses she won't be needing that yeoman or a bedwarmer for Commander Kenno's anymore. She tells Lam Kirk that he hasn't kissed her like that in a long time, so he's like a stranger to her. "Mercy to the Halkans, mercy to Spock, to me. Am I your woman?" Marlena asks. "You're the Captain's Woman until he says you're not," Lam Kirk tells her, and goes to the door. He turns to look at her again -- looking for more oiled traps, I imagine -- then leaves. Marlena goes to the Tantalus Field and turns it on him, frowning.

In the turbo lift, Lam Kirk instructs Uhura to use her dinners to keep Scarlu's attention away from his board.

Jeffries tube. Scotty and Bones fiddle with things, and Uhura hears a signal from Scotty which alerts her to home in on Scarlu. Dagger conspicuously sticking out of the top of her leather thigh-highs, Uhura slinks over to Scarlu and tells him he's ignoring "the game rules." "I protest, and you come back," Uhura tantalizes. Scarlu's entranced. "You didn't come back," Uhura tells him, tapping him on the nose with something. Turning away from his post, Scarlu wraps his arms around her and gloats, "Now you're making sense." Uhura tells him she was getting bored, and then sees the alert flashing on Scarlu's board. "Of course this isn't the time," she says. "Any time's a good time," Scarlu leches, going for her neck. The alert stops flashing, and Uhura leans back seductively, only to smack him across the face with the back of her hand. She jumps away and says, "I'm afraid I've changed my mind again." Scarlu gets up and says, "You take a lot of chances, Lieutenant." He lunges at her, but Uhura pulls the afore-displayed dagger from her boot and brandishes it. "So do you, mister!" she hisses. "So do you." Uhura backs toward the turbo lift and orders some extra to take over her post. She resheathes her dagger and sasses her butt into the turbo lift, whipping around once to give Scarlu a nasty look. The guards, who had been lounging, stand at attention under Scarlu's glare.

Turbo lift. Uhura comms Scotty that all's clear and she's headed to Sick Bay. Bones comments that it's all up to the Captain.

Transporter room. Lam Kirk's fussing with the controls when TVFKAS walks in with a phaser on him. "Please restrict your movements, Captain," TVFKAS orders him, frisks him, then asks him what he's doing. "Are you going to shoot me now, Spock? I thought I had until dawn," Lam Kirk muses. TVFKAS says he'll make that decision on his own, and goes on at length about how weird Lam Kirk's been acting since he returned from the planet, and dammit, he wants to know why. Lam Kirk tells him to just shoot because he's wasting his time. "I shall not waste time with you. You're too inflexible, too disciplined once you've made up your mind, but Dr. McCoy has a plentitude of human weaknesses -- sentimental, soft. You may not tell me what I want to know, but he will," TVFKAS informs his Captain. The both posture at each other for a bit until TVFKAS orders Lam Kirk to Sick Bay.

Sick Bay. TVFKAS looks around and says, "Yes, of course, the entire landing party. Captain, stand over there. Doctor, it is time for answers." Lam Kirk whirls around and knocks the phaser out of TVFKAS's hand. A fight breaks out. At one point, Lam Kirk even smashes TVFKAS under the chin with a flip-up of his own forehead. To the tune of lots of fake-sounding and even faker-looking punches, TVFKAS throws everyone around several more times before Uhura hands Lam Kirk an alien skull to bash over TVFKAS's napper. TVFKAS collapses. While Bones examines TVFKAS, Scotty tells Lam Kirk that they have only fifteen minutes left. Bones tells them to help him get TVFKAS on the table, and when they hesitate, Bones shouts that he'll die without immediate treatment. They get him on the table. Bones starts examining him while Scotty frets about the time. Marlena watches all this through the Tantalus Field. I wonder why she didn't off TVFKAS during the fight. Scotty keeps fretting about not getting back home, and Bones says he can save TVFKAS's life. "Do you want me to stop, Jim?" Bones asks, "It will only take a minute." Lam Kirk grins and says, "He is very much like our own Mr. Spock, isn't he? You've got that minute." Marlena's still watching.

Scarlu and three thugs come in, full of rude energy and spoiling for a fight. Scarlu lays out his dastardly plan of killing both TVFKAS and Lam Kirk and making it look like they killed each other, therefore leaving him in the Captain's chair. He waggles a dagger around to illustrate his point. Using the Tantalus Field, Marlena introduces the three thugs to oblivion, giving Lam Kirk the opportunity to deal with Scarlu. He seizes on that opportunity with a judo chop to Scarlu's shoulder. Because those always manage to knock an opponent out in one blow. Scotty complains that they've got ten minutes left. Lam Kirk urges Bones to leave, but Bones tells him that he can't let TVFKAS die. Okay, wait -- when Scotty said they only had fifteen minutes left, Bones said he could heal TVFKAS in a minute, but now, five minutes later, he still hasn't done it? Bones tells them to go to the transporter room and he'll join them there in five minutes. "No longer," Lam Kirk orders him. "I guarantee it," Bones promises. They leave. Bones hyposprays TVFKAS, who comes to, sits up, and grabs Bones' wrist. "Why did the Captain let me live?" he asks. Bones says nothing. TVFKAS backs Bones against the wall and mind-melds him, saying, "Our minds are merging, Doctor. Our minds are one. I feel what you feel. I know what you know." Whatever happened to "your mind to my mind, your thoughts to my thoughts"?

Transporter room. Marlena is waiting for them. Scotty starts to lunge, but Lam Kirk holds him back with, "A friend." He comments to Marlena that she saved them from Scarlu's goons using the Tantalus Field, and Marlena tells him to take her with them. She's got a phaser hidden behind her back. Lam Kirk apologizes, but he can't, because they only have power for four, and if they attempt a fifth, they all might die. Scotty works with the controls and reports that everything's working. Marlena points out that there are only three of them, and Lam Kirk tells her a fourth is on his way. "I'd help if I could, Marlena, believe that," Lam Kirk assures her. Marlena whips out one of her oiled traps in the form of a phaser. Uhura watches with interest. "If you kill us, you'll still stay," Lam Kirk reminds her, trying to talk her down. Uhura, deciding that there's been too much talk already, knocks the phaser out of Marlena's hand, and wrestles her to the wall while Lam Kirk watches. Marlena doesn't put up a fight, only holds her forearm to indicate that Uhura hurt her, as Uhura takes away her dagger.

Lam Kirk walks out into the hallway and wonders where Bones is. Scotty says they only have five minutes left. "Do you know what they'll do to me?" Marlena demands of no one in particular. Lam Kirk ignores her as Scotty tells him that their power's been cut. "They're onto us!" Scotty announces. Lam Kirk tells him to use auxiliary power, and Scotty technobabbles that using auxiliary means someone has to work the transporter controls manually instead of remotely from the pad. Lam Kirk determines that one of them will have stay, which prompts Scotty to sacrifice himself. But Scotty doesn't have a bit of oiled crumpet keeping his bed warm in this dimension, so Lam Kirk tells him and Uhura to get onto the transporter pad. Scotty protests, but Lam Kirk says, "That's an order, Scotty." Marlena drapes herself over the controls and asks, "What about me?" Lam Kirk ignores her again and says, "McCoy!"

Bones and TVFKAS arrive. TVFKAS tells Lam Kirk that he cut the transporter power in order to delay their leaving. Busted. He thrusts Bones at Scotty and tells him to "take him." TVFKAS positions himself at the transporter controls and orders Engineering to reactivate the transporter circuits. Lam Kirk speechifies, "You are a man of integrity in both universes, Mr. Spock." TVFKAS tells him that he must return to his universe so TVFKAS can get his Captain back. If he was just going to let them go, why did he bother cutting the power in the first place? He had to know they wouldn't leave without Bones. TVFKAS tells Lam Kirk that he will operate the controls himself, and they have two minutes and ten seconds. Lam Kirk decides that's just enough time to run off at the mouth, and asks how long before the Halkan prediction of galactic revolt is realized. "Approximately two hundred and forty years," TVFKAS prophesies. You'd think that, of all people, Spock or even TVFKAS would know that you don't say "and" when naming a whole number unless you want a decimal placed there. All those useless rules we were taught in math class just aren't abided by in the real world. Frustrating to a sensitive mathematician. Even more frustrating when a sensitive mathematician's sensitive wife has to hear him kvetch about it when she's recapping. "The inevitable outcome?" Lam Kirk asks. "The Empire shall be overthrown, of course," TVFKAS replies. Wait, how does Lam Kirk know about the Halkan prediction of galactic revolt? Presumably, that's a prediction that only exists in this dimension because of the existence of the Empire. He must have read about it in the notes. The SCRIPT notes! Sigh.

Lam Kirk goes on and on about the illogical waste of lives and potential, resources and time, and how TVFKAS's Empire is illogical because it will not be able to endure. "I submit that you are illogical to be a willing part of it," Lam Kirk orates. TVFKAS tells him he's got about a minute to get the hell out of his dimension. "If change is inevitable, predictable, beneficial, doesn't logic demand that you be a part of it?" Lam Kirk lectures. TVFKAS tells him that one man cannot "summon the future." "But one man can change the present! Be the Captain of this Enterprise , Mr. Spock. Find a logical reason for sparing the Halkans and make it stick. Push till it gives." Oh my GOD SHUT UP AND BEAM THE HELL OUT ALREADY!! "You can defend yourself better than any man in the fleet," Lam Kirk pep-talks. Scotty, as fed up as I am, squeals, "Captain, get in the chamber!" Lam Kirk starts to leave, looks at Marlena, and turns back to TVFKAS to say, "What about it, Spock?" "A man must also have the power," TVFKAS says. Lam Kirk looks at Marlena and says, "In my cabin, there's a device that will make you invincible." I thought he said invisible. TVFKAS raises his eyebrow and says, "Indeed?" "What will it be? Past or future, tyranny or freedom -- it's up to you," Lam Kirk tells him, and covers Marlena's hand with his own. She just kind of prods him with her fingertip in response. Lam Kirk gets on the pad, and TVFKAS says, "It is time," but Lam Kirk still can't SHUT UP. He says, "In every revolution" -- just energize NOW FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD -- "there's one man with a vision." Yes, and in this case, it's Gene Roddenberry, so STUFF A SOCK UP YOUR LAM-SWADDLED ASS! TVFKAS says, "Captain Kirk, I shall consider it." Lam Kirk smiles, and dematerializes. FINALLY. Basically, Lam Kirk just told TVFKAS to murder Evil Kirk, and presented him with the means to do it. He's got such an ego on him; he has to ensure that there's only ONE of him in each dimension. He couldn't even think beyond himself to tell TVFKAS to protect Marlena, because she's good as dead when Evil Kirk returns. The away team rematerializes on their own ship, and a clean-shaven Spock looks relieved and welcomes them home. Spock should have tacked on a beard -- just to give them a good scare when they arrived.

Bridge. De-Lamd Kirk asks Spock how they were able to identify their counterparts so quickly, and Spock explains that while it was easy for them to act savage on the flip side, it was not so easy for the Evil Away Team to act civilized. "I assume they returned to their Enterprise the same time you appeared here, " Spock comments. Why would you assume that? How in the world would they have known when to simultaneously beam them back? I mean, Lam Kirk delayed until the last possible minute with his inability to relinquish control of that dimension -- how in the world could a mirror transport have happened? It's so stupid to just leave it like that when they took such pains to mention in "The Alternative Factor" that if good and bad Lazarus were to exist together in the same dimension, total annihilation would take place. There's no way for Spock to have known what was going on in the other dimension and to have set up the mirror situation successfully.

De-Lamd Kirk smugs that the Evil Kirk will find a few changes aboard his old Enterprise, "if I read my Spocks correctly." Spock just looks at him, and Bones says, "Jim, I think I liked him with a beard better. Gave him character. Of course, almost any change would be a distinct improvement." "Oh-ho! It's the Captain's Cracker Barrel Hour!" Mathra crows. Spock rolls his eyes while De-Lamd Kirk chuckles, "What worries me is the easy way his counterpart fitted into that other universe. I always thought Spock was a bit of a pirate at heart." "Indeed, gentlemen?" Spock responds. "May I point out that I had an opportunity to observe your counterparts here quite closely. They were brutal, savage, unprincipled, uncivilized, treacherous -- in every way, splendid examples of homo sapiens. The very flower of humanity. I found them quite refreshing." De-Lamd Kirk nods along and then says, "I'm not sure, but I think we've been insulted." "I'm sure," Bones grimaces. De-Lamd Kirk grins.

Marlena steps onto the bridge, and this time her hair is smartly piled up in a professional beehive instead of oily-trapping its way over her shoulders. She's also wearing a one-piece uniform rather than her bikini of the other universe. Scotty and Uhura stare at her as she hands De-Lamd Kirk some orders to sign off on. He does a double-take and says, "Lieutenant, uh, Lieutenant...?" "Marlena Moreau," Marlena tells him. "I was just assigned last week." De-Lamd Kirk grins and nods. Marlena just stares back at him, already well aware of the tales of the "Creepy Captain" and his hands-on leadership. De-Lamd passes the orders back, telling her to "carry on." Yeah, carry on with him. Hovering to De-Lamd Kirk's chair, Spock asks if he's met her before. Yes, once upon a dream. I know you; I walked with you once upon a dream. I know you; the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam. De-Lamd Kirk wants to know why he asks, and Spock tells him that his reaction was one of recognition. "Or erection," Mathra sniggers. De-Lamd Kirk denies having met her -- why, I don't know -- and says, "She just seems a nice, likable girl. I think we could become friends." FTF, maybe. Spock gives The Raised Eyebrow Of Not Another Restraining Order Captain That Makes Five This Week. "It's possible," De-Lamd Kirk says, and hops off his chair. Credits. And through the credits, we can see De-Lamd Kirk sidling up to her to chat her up. I really wish I were kidding about that, but I am so not.