Enterprise S01E31

Okay. So, after hearing again and again how completely shite this film is from everyone on the boards, Mathra, my super, a chick at Starbucks, and the two Siamese cats door, it was still SEVERAL tries before we even got through the opening credits. I kid you not. Why? A reasonable question. Because I was talking, and Mathra got irritated and kept hitting "rewind" because he wanted to "hear the Klingon music." He goes around the house singing it, "Ba-BA-ba-BA-ba-BA!" He has an uncanny ability to vocally imitate any and all instruments. ["Not to mention the voices of other people. Back in college, I heard my own voice inexplicably booming out of the men's room a few times." -- Sars] It sounds cool, but not when you live with it day in and day out. Also, as much as he professes to hate this movie beyond all belief, he ran out and rented the DVD, then proceeded to move his PC out onto the dining room table, set it up opposite my laptop, and propose that we watch both the tape and the director's cut at the same time for the recapping procedure. I didn't protest. We're such geeks.

It's definitely weird to hear what I recognize as the theme music for The Generation as the original score for this movie.

Weird misty cloudy thing in outer space meeting a handful of Klingon vessels. "First use of windows on a Klingon vessel," Mathra crows, and then hits rewind because he missed a bar or two. Inside a cockpit, we see the Klingons going into the cloud for a closer look. I don't know why they need to, because judging by the aspects of the music Mathra doesn't sing, they're clearly fighting a KISS concert. "First sight of bumpy foreheads!" Mathra announces, and rewinds. The Klingons play Pong in order to attack the cloud thing.

Federation starbase. We hear fuzzy calls back and forth from the starbase to various ships. Inside the starbase, the technicians receive word of an intruder alert described as a "luminescent cloud," and believed to be "an enormous power field surrounding alien vessel." On a screen, we can see the face of an irate Klingon. The starbase computer reports that the Klingons continue to attack the cloud. We get "an exterior visual" that a tech on the starbase calls up for their and our viewing pleasure. Bursts of light come out of the flattened spaces of the cloud and completely vaporize a Klingon vessel in the type of lightning bolts you remember seeing coming out of The Emperor's hands in Return of the Jedi. The Klingon captain of the last surviving Klingon vessel (played by Mark Lenard) fires a shot at an incoming light burst from the cloud. His shot passes right through the light burst, and his ship is engulfed in static electricity and destroyed. More electric guitar from Gene Simmons as a tech on the Federation starbase reports that the destructive cloud is on a direct course for Earth. We get another look at the murderous cloud, which looks exactly like the Northern Lights in Bemidji, MN.

Vulcan. Spock, performing his off-off-off Broadway role as Lou Ferrigno, stands among the smoking craters of his cozy home planet. Talk about keeping the home fires burning. Heh. Heh. Oh, shut up, I'm already bored out of my skull -- let me have my pun. He looks up and squints into the light, looking for something, feeling the call of the wild. He ascends some steps and kneels before a gathering of importantly-attired Vulcans. A woman steps forward and tells him in Vulcan that their ancestors "cast out their animal passions [there] on [those] sands." Funny thing, this Vulcan language. Her lips are actually mouthing exactly what the English subtitles are "translating" for us. Curious. "Our race was saved by the attainment of kolinahr," the high priestess drones. "First use of kolinahr, " Mathra reports. I need something to stick in his mouth. Several pounds of taffy ought to do the trick. A lower priest comments that kolinahr is when their final vestiges of emotion are shed. High Priestess tells Spock that he has labored long, and asks that he receive a symbol of "total logic" from them. She steps forward to give him an ugly necklace made up of geometric shapes, but just before she puts it on his neck, he realizes that it will clash with his Tarzan ensemble, and blocks her hand. High Priestess is confused, and asks Spock to give her his thoughts. She places dangerously long fingernails (is it really logical not to file them down?) incredibly close to his eye, and melds. The result is that a "consciousness" is calling him from space, which "touches [his] human blood," so he falls short of achieving the full rank and privileges of the kolinahr klub. "So, if she were examining him to discover whether he had achieved kolinahr, I guess you could say he had a kolinahrscopy?" Mathra mumbles, forcing his jaws apart. Does this mean that Kirk is his kolinahr? Ech. The upside is that he doesn't have to wear that lousy necklace. High Priestess drops it to the ground and tells the lesser priests that Spock's answer lies elsewhere, not with them. They bid him long life and prosperity. They leave. Spock picks up the kolinahr necklace and figures he must have something in his kloset that might komplement it -- maybe that kaftan from Kokomo. You know, if he just takes the necklace with him and wears it around, no one will really know that he didn't achieve kolinahr.

Golden Gate Bridge. A sh'pod zips near it. "First use of San Francisco as Starfleet headquarters," Mathra says chewing quite rapidly. Busy docking bay with lots of weird and wonderful aliens milling about with humans, including some who appear to be dressed only in short robes. Oh, look -- a monorail thingy. I wonder if a crooked salesman was in town recently. "Monorail! Monorail! Monorail!" The camera pans up to show Kirk's face at the window of the just-landed sh'pod. Kirk's brown hairpiece hitches a ride as he steps out of the sh'pod. I guess he decided that blondes don't really have more fun, or that they have too much fun and then get alien herpes, the orange kind -- either way, now he's Nice 'n' Easy No. 117 instead of No. 105. It's his style. Kirk steps out, wearing a sharp new uniform in dark grey and white with a Mao collar. I do like the new uniform, except for the fact that, with the white on his chest and the grey on his back, he looks like a great white shark. Kirk walks and talks with a Vulcan commander he addresses as Sonak, and confirms that he's received his new appointment as science officer on the Enterprise. Kirk asks Sonak what he's doing in San Francisco, and Sonak tells him that Cpt. Decker ordered him to finish his science briefing before boarding. This seems to perturb Kirk, and he chastises the Vulcan, saying, "Here? At Starfleet? The Enterprise is in final preparation to leave dock." Sonak reminds him, "Which will require twenty more hours at minimum." "Twelve," Kirk corrects Sonak, and informs him that he's on his way to speak to Admiral Nogura for three minutes. He orders Sonak report to him aboard the ship in an hour. Sonak's confused: "Report to you, sir?" Kirk tells him he has every intention of being aboard the ship in one hour. He's kinda crabby about it, too. He leaves Sonak looking bemused.

Loooong multiple views of a spacedock. Transporter room of spacedock. New psychedelic transporter effects as Kirk takes a reaaaally loooong tiiiime to beam in. Scotty puts a hustle in his bustle to meet him, and greets him as "Admiral," then whines that they can't be ready to leave in twelve hours, but Kirk ignores him and asks why the Enterprise transporters aren't working yet. Scotty brushes it off as a "wee problem" which is "temporary." Remember that -- "wee" and "temporary." Scotty again tries to address the fact that they've undergone eighteen months of a redesign-refit and cannot be ready to cast off in under twenty hours. "Take me over please," Kirk says languidly.

They walk aboard a sh'craft, and Scotty goes on and on about how much more work the ship needs. Kirk tells him that an alien presence of "unbelievably destructive power" is less than three days from Earth, and he needs the Enterprise to stop it, as she is the closest ship. "Ready or not, she launches in twelve hours," Kirk says. They leave spacedock for the hangar. Scotty kvetches that the crew isn't that experienced with all the ship's new gadgets yet, the engines haven't even been tested at warp yet, "and an untried captain." "Two-and-a-half years as Chief of Starfleet Operations may have made me a little stale, but I wouldn't exactly consider myself untried," Kirk comments. Not a virgin, then? Scotty looks at him, aghast. "They gave her back to me, Scotty," Kirk tells him. "'Gave her back,' sir? I doubt it was that easy with Nogura!" Scotty comments. "You're rrrright," Kirk burrs in a Scots accent. They share a chuckle, and Scotty promises that, for Kirk, the ship will be yare.

And here begins an excessively loooooooong looooooook at the new Enterprise. Now, I totally respect everyone who saw this in the theatres when I was only half a dozen years old and said they loved the long shots, because they'd been waiting for so long to see their ship and crew again. For me, it was way too much. I timed it -- five solid minutes of nothing but scenery and awed expressions from Kirk. No dialogue either. Of course, that might actually be a plus. There is a point when the sh'pod passes through one of the spotlights trained on the ship, and although the sh'pod itself is illuminated by the light, it casts no shadow on the ship. Bad editing. Apparently there are websites where you can go to compare the TOS ship with the TMP ship, and there's been much hoo-ha over the fact that this could not have been a simple refit-redesign -- lots of nacelle comparisons, saucer sections, et cetera. But this is not one of those websites, so if you care, go find one. I don't.

Interesting thought occurred to me, and this is going to be complimentary to Enterprise (the show), so brace yourselves. I just realized that Trip and Quantum's look at the ship -- though peppered with fancy talk of going to Neptune and back in five seconds, and way less labored in terms of time -- is a total parallel to this scene: captain and engineer checking out the newly-fitted ship as it rests in its hairclip hangar. Of course, Scotty didn't scrape the side of the ship, but that's because Trip's an idjit. People may have noted this on the forums when the series opener aired, but I just noticed it now, and I think it's a sweet nod to the original series. It may be the last nod, but it's still a sweet one.

The sh'pod FINALLY docks on the ship, and Kirk thanks Scotty for the tour. I'm sure lots of throats choked up back in 1979. Mine didn't, but that's because I'm pickled with cynicism. The ship's business is buzzing around the two old farts as they board, and Scotty scampers off to Engineering. He could still scamper at this stage; he wasn't pushing maximum density yet. An earth-tone (no red-shirts anymore!) offers to conduct Kirk to the bridge. Kirk snottily tells him that he "thinks [he] can find [his] way, Ensign!" and walks off. I hope he gets lost or takes a long walk off a short airlock. He gets in a turbolift and says, "Bridge!" after running his finger lovingly along the computer map of the ship. "He's falling in love with his new ship!" Mathra fake-sobs. Kirk takes in a deep Zen breath. Namaste.

Bridge. The bridge is a scene of total chaos. People are shouting and running around, and they all look like they're in long underwear. Uhura's there with her 'fro, and though it was probably a wig, I liked her TOS hair so much better. It made her look really young. Kirk stands poised in the open doors of the turbolift until someone notices him. Uhura does and hastens over, saying that Starfleet just notified them of his transfer orders. Sulu and Chekov also step up to admire him. Kirk thanks them for the adulation and tells him he wishes the situation were less dire. He orders Uhura to keep a channel open to Epsilon IX, since they are the ones monitoring the Evil Cloud, and asks where Cpt. Decker is. Sulu tells him he's getting his hands greasy in Engineering, and "he, uh -- he doesn't know." Kirk tells Chekov to assemble everyone in the rec room, because he wants them all to see what they're up against. He gets back on the turbolift. Koenig has a really unfortunate face. It's clearly a baby face, but in time, he will grow old around that face and eventually end up looking like a very scary troll. [Deleted scene included on the DVD: Sulu comments that Kirk wanted the ship back, and he got it back. Some alien with a HUGE forehead and yellow glittery eyes snipes that Decker has been with the ship throughout the whole refit and is getting a raw deal. Uhura dismissively tells Forehead that their chances of returning from their "mission in one piece may have just doubled." Too bad they cut that -- it shows that while the TOS cast sticks together, there were other officers who resented Kirk taking command by force.]

There's a corridor scene, which is only noteworthy because they show a gurney transport moving through the air, above the ground but not touching it a la Han Solo in carbonite. Kirk enters Engineering and looks around. He's smiling down on the man whose dreams he's about to destroy. He joins Scotty and Reverend Camden from 7th Heaven as they fiddle with stuff. Apparently, RevCam (tm Mr. Stupidhead) is the Cpt. Decker Sulu mentioned. He expresses surprise at seeing Kirk, commenting that they're "getting a top-brass send-off." Kirk brusquely takes Cpt. RevCam aside for a little talk, which Cpt. RevCam hopes isn't a pep talk, because he's too busy. "I'm taking over the center seat, Will," Kirk tells him. RevCam's jaw drops as Kirk tells him he'll stay on as First Officer. "May I ask why?" RevCam asks. "My experience. Five years out there dealing with unknowns like this -- my familiarity with the Enterprise, its crew," Kirk explains. RevCam protests that the ship is completely different, and that Kirk doesn't know her one-tenth as well as he does. "That's why you're staying aboard," Kirk tells him, and then takes a step forward to look him in the eye with Kirk's Look Of Absolute Sincerity: "I'm sorry, Will." RevCam then says he doesn't think Kirk's "one damn bit" sorry. OH! The Rev said "damn"! "I remember when you recommended me for this command, you told me how envious you were and how much you hoped you'd find a way to get a starship command again. Well, sir, it looks like you found a way," RevCam snips. Kirk orders him to report immediately to the bridge. RevCam aye-sirs off. To get ordained. With that butt-chin of his. Kirk looks at Scotty, who gives him a sympathetic look. But not for long, because something goes wrong, and blue flames leap out at the technician. The transporter room comes in with an urgent message. Scotty tells the transporter room not to engage. "It's too late," the transporter room tells him. "They're beaming now!" Kirk and Scotty run away.

Transporter room. "Do you read me, Starfleet? Override it, pull them back!" a voice pleads. We see it's former Yeoman Rand, now promoted to Transporter Chief, attempting to do something with the transporter beam. "Malfunction! Malfunction!" the computer bleats. Two misshapen outlines appear in the psychedelic downloads of the beams; they waver. "Give it to me!" Kirk demands. ["Ew. Hee." -- Sars] He tells Starfleet to boost their matter gain. "More signal!" Kirk shouts. Scotty frantically works with the controls. "They're losing their pattern!" Scotty reports. "Oh no, they're forming!" T.C. Rand breathes. We can see a fleshy color inside the blue beam and the faint markings of a face, which seems to melt like hot wax. There's a horrible metallic wail, a hiss, and another wail. Oh, god. The beams disappear. Rand turns away, while Scotty and Kirk stare in shock. "Oh, my god," Kirk says flatly, and asks Starfleet if they have them. Starfleet's response makes my blood run cold. "Enterprise, what we got back didn't live long. Fortunately," Starfleet tells him. Kirk chokes out that Starfleet must express his condolences to their families and that Commander Sonak's family can be reached through the Vulcan Embassy. Kirk turns to look at Rand and says, "There was nothing you could've done, Rand. It wasn't your fault." He leaves. She gazes after him. Guess he still doesn't like her legs. Wow. I don't think there's been a transporter accident like that ever or since. The only thing TNG ever did that was comparable in dark shuddersomeness was when that officer fell halfway between decks and had the floor rematerialize in her middle.

Corridor. Kirk wanders, grief-stricken and lost. He asks a passing flesh-tone for directions; she barely pauses to tell him to backtrack. He is out of his element. Of course, RevCam must arrive on scene. EW! In his onesie, you can see outlines of stuff, and it's not that complimentary, either. It's like a lost gumball wandering around in there. Thank Mother Nature Kirk's uniform has a tunic that comes waaay down. Kirk tells him they have to replace Sonak, and while he'd still like a Vulcan in that position, he orders RevCam to double up as Science Officer since, as RevCam snippily tells him, no one is "fully rated" on the new design. They part ways.

Rec Room. Re-enactment of the destruction of the Klingon ships for the flesh- and earth-tones gathered. They gasp in unison. Kirk steps onto the dais and says that that's all they know about the Evil Cloud, other than that it's fifty-three hours from Earth. Kirk tells them that they assume there's a vessel "of some type" at the heart of the cloud, but they have orders to intercept, investigate, and take action as necessary. They hope there is a lifeform somewhere in there that they can communicate with. Uhura answers a call from Epsilon IX. On the viewscreen, a tech tells them that the cloud is "definitely a power field of some kind" and measures over eighty-two AUs in diameter. So, it's sort of big, huh? The tech tells them they are transmitting lingua-code "friendship" messages and also scanning it. Suddenly, Epsilon IX is under attack. The tech thinks that the cloud mistook their scan as a hostile act. Kirk orders that they switch to external viewer. "That's real bright -- they still could be transmitting important information to them!" Mathra grumps. Epsilon IX is aflame with blue static electricity, and then it is no more. "Viewer off," Kirk tells Uhura, who doesn't move. "Viewer off!" he repeats. Uhura turns the viewer off. Kirk faces his crew, looking for words of comfort. At last, he finds them. "Pre-launch countdown will commence in forty minutes," Kirk says, and leaves.

View of ship in hairclip docking. We STILL haven't left spacedock. "It's funny, in the beginning the Kirk tells Sonak: 'Twelve hours to push off.' You just don't think they'll actually show the twelve hours," Mathra grumbles.

Bridge. Kirk has changed into a more comfortable velour lounge suit. Uhura tells him that the transporter is repaired and no longer turning people inside out. Sulu reports that the dock signals are clear. Kirk says they're still waiting for a few more crewmembers, and Uhura tells him that Lt. Ilia is on her way to the bridge. RevCam takes great interest in this news. "She's...Deltan, Captain," Uhura reports. Okay, so apparently the thing with Deltans is that they are intensely sexual, and once a human has sex with them, they go insane because it's that good. I've been told that this was the backstory the fans were presented with before the movie came out. It is not even mentioned here, other than Ilia telling Kirk that she has taken her oath of celibacy and is therefore ready to assume her post.

Ilia steps onto the bridge. Whoa! Okay, yes, she's incredibly beautiful, but get a load of that huge, shiny gourd! ["Now, now -- don't speak ill of the dead." -- Sars] In a thick accent, Ilia reports for duty, and Kirk welcomes her. "Hello, Ilia," RevCam says, standing up. "Decker," Ilia smiles, all a-glow with afterglow. RevCam tells anyone who cares that he was stationed on Ilia's planet some time ago. "Commander Decker?" Ilia wonders. Kirk tells her the demotion is temporary. "Captain Kirk has the utmost confidence in me," RevCam says sarcastically. He needs to be booted in the stray gumball. Kirk tells Ilia that he has the utmost confidence in her as well, and this is where Ilia tells him that her no-look-no-touch oath is on record. She assumes her position -- I mean, "post." Uhura reports that their last six crewmembers are ready to beam up, but one of them is causing problems. Kirk smiles and says he'll see to it that "he" beams up. Exit Kirk.

Transporter room. Transporter activity, resulting in a very hairy and fat-gold-chained Bones. As he becomes fully solid, Bones grabs at his white disco one-piece. Dig the Grizzly Adams on his face. Kirk steps forward to greet him. "Well, for a man who swore he'd never return to Starfleet," Kirk kids. "Just a moment, Captain sir, and I'll explain what happened. Your revered Admiral Nogura invoked a little-known, seldom-used, reserve activation clause. In simpler language, Captain, they drafted me!" Bones growls. "They didn't!" Kirk exclaims. Bones accuses Kirk of being behind it all. "Bones, there's an, uh, thing out there," Kirk says, jerking his head to the left. "Why is any object we don't understand always called 'a thing'?" Bones demands. Heh. Kirk tells him that "the thing" is headed their way, and that he needs him. Bones just stares at him. "Dammit, Bones, I need you!" Kirk intenses. "BADLY!" Secret Slasher Man, Secret Slaaaaasher Man! Kirk puts his hand out, and after a few more seconds, Bones takes it. They gaze at each other, and Bones says, "Permission to come aboard?" Rand grants it. Bones comments to Kirk that he understands Chapel is a full doctor now, but he'll need a "top nurse. Not a doctor who'll argue every little diagnosis with me. And they probably redesigned the whole Sick Bay, too!" Bones heads toward the door, still griping, "I know engineers -- they love to change things!" I love Bones. He really got the best lines.

Flurry of activity outside the ship. Bridge. Lots of commands to get ready to shove off. Should we be concerned about that guy floating upside down in the enviro suit? He's drifted by several times. It's already thirty-six minutes into the movie, and they are JUST NOW leaving spacedock. Ugh. I can't believe it's only been thirty-six minutes of recapping. They go ahead at impulse power, and Kirk orders Sulu, "Ahead warp point-five." "Okay, there is no such thing as anything less than warp one!" Mathra yells. The cats proceed to the study to continue sleeping. For less than five seconds, Kirk orders their departure view up so he can see Earth decreasing behind them. They pass Jupiter and its moons. Look, it's Bunting -- I mean, Io! Whatever -- she's always been pore perfect when I've seen her. ["Time to up that prescription, hon." -- Sars]

Apparently a lot of time has passed since they launched, and now Kirk wants to give the warp engines a whirl so that they can intercept the Evil Cloud ASAP. RevCam tells Kirk that if they engage at warp seven after leaving the solar system, they will intercept the Evil Cloud in around twenty hours. Ilia confirms this. They exchange a smile. Ohhh-kay. Bones, shaved and garbed like Kirk, enters the bridge. He's got major chicken legs. Kirk asks if the new Sick Bay facilities meet with his approval. "They do not! It's like working in a damn computer center!" Bones snaps. RevCam confirms that the ship's program is set for standard warp, but he really, really thinks they need to do more simulations before going through with it. Kirk disagrees, reminding him that the Evil Cloud draws on apace. He calls Scotty to order up a warp drive. Scotty likewise tells him the sensors need to do more simulations before they are ready, but Kirk wants his warp NOW. Bones leans down: "Jim. You're pushing." Kirk whirls to look at him. "Your people know their jobs," Bones reminds him.

Engineering. Scotty and a tech work on the drive, and the tech says it's the best he can do. Scotty comms Kirk: "It's borderline on the simulator, Captain. I canna guarantee that she'll hold up."

Bridge. Kirk says, "Warp drive, Mr. Scott. Ahead warp one, Mr. Sulu." Sulu confirms the order. There's too much of a buildup between warp point five and warp one. Suddenly, the stars turn into stripes and the ship ribbons forward into a blast. Sulu confirms warp one. Kirk spins his chair to speak to RevCam, but red Dr. Who opening tube effects appear on the viewscreen and alarms start going off. The bridge crew looks like they've stepped into a poor man's Trippy Shower Room on the Apple Core Helix. Kirk spins back to face the viewscreen. "Wormhole! Get us back to impulse power, full reverse!" Kirk orders. Wormhole not-very-special effects. Confusion. Shouting. No helm control for Sulu, and no comm control for Uhura. All the cast members jiggle themselves. Ilia reports that there's a small object in the wormhole dead ahead. There's no manual helm control or navigational deflectors, and something screwy's happening with the main power. "Tiiiime tooo impaaact," Kirk drawls. I think that was a question. "Twentyyyyy secondssss," Ilia reports. "Mr. Chekoooov, stannnd byy on phasersss," Kirk orders. "NOOOOOOO," RevCam bawls. Kirk looks at Chekov. Chekov jiggles and looks. "Belaaay that phaaaserrr orrrderrrr!" RevCam says, sludging through the wormhole effects to somewhere on the bridge. The bridge tilts back and forth. The cast falls back and forth. RevCam reaches Chekov and tells him to arm the photon torpedoes. "Phooootoooonnnn tooorpeeedooooes arrrrrrrrmed!" Chekov's accent says, getting in the way of the wormhole. Ilia jounces her dinners and drawls that the object is an asteroid. "Taaaarrrrgeeetinnnnnnnng assssterooooid," Chekov says, after we see a pebble on the viewscreen. Ilia counts down the time to impact. RevCam issues an order to fire torpedoes. "Torrrrrrrrpedoooooes avaaaaaaaaaay!" Chekov says. The asteroid explodes, and the wormhole implodes and disappears. Apparently. Me? I haven't noticed a change of pace at all. True story: That scene took three weeks to film because they had to use four cameras to get every angle. At the end of the day, they might have gotten through one particular shot. "Man, how many times do you think they needed to shave Khambatta's head to ward off five o'clock shadow?" Mathra wonders.

Everyone relaxes. Ilia? You can stop jiggling now. All systems are back to normal with negative damage. Kirk remains frozen in his chair, his captainly dignity wounded because RevCam dared to belay his order. "No casualties reported, Doctor!" Chekov says. "Wrong, Mr. Chekov, there are casualties: my wits! As in: frightened out of, Captain, sir!" Bones hisses. RevCam reports that they're at warp point-eight, and asks Scotty for a report. Scotty says they're "pickin' up the pieces down here." Kirk mutters to Scotty that they need warp right away. "Captain, it was the engine imbalance that created the wormhole in the first place. It'll happen again if we don't correct it," Scotty tells him. RevCam gives Kirk A Look. Kirk reiterates how important it is to welcome-wagon the Evil Cloud before it reaches Earth, and tells Ilia to reset their intercept course. Kirk turns the controls over to Sulu and gets up to leave the bridge. He tells RevCam he'd like to see him in his quarters. "Mind if I tag along, Captain?" Bones asks. Kirk nods.

They turbolift to Kirk's spacious quarters. Once there, Kirk demands to know why RevCam overrode his instructions. RevCam technobabbles about how the wormhole was all Kirk's fault for using warp, the phasers got cut off as a result, blah. Kirk's face changes. "You acted properly, of course," he says. RevCam thanks him, and apologizes for embarrassing him. "You saved the ship," Kirk whispers. "I am aware of that, sir," RevCam says, thrusting his chest out. Kirk's in his face in a flash: "Stop...competingwithmeDecker!" RevCam requests permission to speak freely. Kirk grants it, and RevCam goes off on Kirk for not having logged any star hours in two and a half years and that because of that, he is putting the ship, crew, and the Evil Cloud Mission in serious jeopardy. Kirk looks down and says, "I trust you...will nursemaid me through these difficulties, mister?" RevCam says he will, and Kirk tells him he won't keep him from his duties any longer. RevCam leaves. Bones says, "He may be right, Jim." Kirk looks at him in horror.

Corridor. Ilia and RevCam have an interface, and we learn that they were once "a thing" on her planet, and he left without saying goodbye, but she wouldn't have been able to say goodbye either. Man, throw in an "Imzadi" and a fat guy and you've got TNG.

Kirk's quarters. Bones lectures Kirk about being the one to compete, given how he went about getting the ship back, blah blah blah obsessed-with-past-life-cakes. Uhura interrupts to say that they're getting a message from a Federation-registered long-range shuttle, requesting to dock with them. Chekov says his security scan shows that they have a grade-one priority, "non-belligerency confirmed." Chekov thinks it's a courier of sorts. Kirk tells Chekov to deal with it, and goes back to Bones. "Your opinion has been noted. Anything further?" Bones tells him, "That depends on you," and leaves.

Shuttle approaches. Shuttle approaches. Shuttle approaches closer. Shuttle approaches more. Shuttle docks.

The computer reports the results of the security scan as Chekov waits by the airlock door: "One boarder. Identity: Starfleet, inactive." The doors open and Spock, dressed like a medieval SOMETHING in black tights and a black thigh-length cape with fluttering sleeves, steps aboard. Where're you going in that costume, Spock -- a midnight madrigal? Or perhaps to herald a crusade? "Permission to come aboard, sir," Spock asks Chekov. "Granted, sir!" Chekov says happily. "Gran...ted," Chekov trails as Spock walks off. He's in a mood today.

Bridge. Doors open, Uhura gasps and stands up, Sulu stutters, "Why -- why, it's Mr. --" "Spock" Kirk whisperrupts him and jumps to his feet. "SPOCK!" Kirk says again. Spock stares at him. We're getting the band back together. "Commander, if I may?" Spock says, addressing RevCam. "If you may?" RevCam blithers, and then looks at his console and jumps up. Kirk is still gazing on the face of his beloved. Spock doesn't notice as he takes RevCam's instruments and tells them he's been monitoring communications; he understands they're having warp problems. "I offer my services as Science Officer," Spock says, and turns to RevCam: "With all due respect, Commander." RevCam stutters out how pleased he is to have more free time with Ilia, The Human Cue Ball. The movie took forty-nine freakin' minutes to get Spock on board Enterprise. Kirk tells Chekov to do some paperwork for Spock's new position. Drs. Nurse Chapel and Bones rush in. "Mr. Spock!" Dr. Nurse Chapel cries out. Lookit her with her raven tresses! She and Kirk are now sharing a bottle of the same Nice 'n' Easy. Bones chirrups, "Well, so help me, I'm actually pleased to see you!" Spock gives them both a cold stare, and their smiles disappear. He walks to the door, and Uhura says, "It's how we all feel, Mr. Spock." But she barely gets this out before Spock asks Kirk if he can go discuss fuel equations with "the Engineer." Kirk nods. Spock starts to leave, but Kirk stops him to say, "Welcome aboard." Spock doesn't even turn around. Kirk and Bones exchange looks.

Kirk's log records that in three hours, Spock fixed everything that was going wrong, so now they will meet the Evil Cloud when it is more than a day from Earth. Yay. They test the engines and make it all the way to warp seven. Chekov pumps his arm. Kirk winks at him. Chekov gets scared and starts wondering about the notes he's been getting in his locker.

Kirk's quarters. Kirk paces, Bones watches. Spock walks in and tells Kirk he's reporting as ordered. Kirk invites Spock to sit. Spock continues to stand. Bones tells Spock he hasn't changed a bit: "You're just as warm and sociable as ever." Spock raises a brow and returns the compliment with, "As your continued predilection for irrelevancy indicates." Kirk gestures at the two men to sit. Bones sits, as Kirk says that the last they heard, Spock was on Vulcan. Spock continues to stand. What's his deal? Is it illogical to sit? "Yes, you were undergoing the kulinear discipline," Bones offers. You can practically hear Spock's eyes roll backwards and greet his frontal lobe. Kirk again asks Spock to sit. "If you are referring to the kolinahr, Doctor, you are correct," Spock says, still taking a stand. Both Bones and Kirk take turns reminding us that Spock broke the ritual in order to join them. It's not like we have commercial breaks to return from -- stop recapping and leave that to me! Freaks. Spock stares at them. "Will you please... sitdown!?" Kirk whispers to keep from screaming. I giggled at that. Spock very stiffly and very correctly sits down. Spock begins to explain that he went AWOL from Vulcan because he started sensing a consciousness more powerful than anything he'd ever known. He'd better not be talking about Kirk. "Thought patterns of exactingly perfect order. I believe they emanate from the intruder. I believe it may hold my answers," Spock tells them. Bones comments, "Well, isn't it lucky for you that we just happen to be heading your way?" "Bones," Kirk remonstrates, and then turns back to Spock: "We need him. I need him." Of course you do; it wouldn't be a band without the stand-alone, distancey, quiet one. Spock comments that his being aboard is happy all around. Kirk fixes him with a look and tells him he expects him to immediately report any and all thought patterns he experiences. Spock asks if there's anything further, Kirk tells him no, and Spock leaves. Kirk starts to leave, but Bones expresses concern that Spock might have a conflict of interest if the Evil Cloud is so very important to him. Kirk says he could never believe it of Spock to put his own interests before that of the ship. Of course not: "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one," and all that jazz. Uhura calls Kirk back to the bridge in an emergency.

Bridge. The viewscreen has a really large "Red Alert" sign on it. It's comical in its urgent need to tell us that there is indeed a red alert. Random flesh-tones dash on and off the bridge. Kirk orders the viewscreen to train on the outer view. It's the Evil Cloud. Uhura says she's sending out messages of friendship in all directions, and Spock says they're being scanned. Taking a lesson from the dearly departed Epsilon IX, Kirk orders that no one scan the Evil Cloud, because it might get the wrong idea. Spock reports that the source of the energy is in the center of the Evil Cloud and it's a type of energy "never before encountered." Uhura reports that the Evil Cloud isn't talking to them. Kirk tells Chekov not to arm battle stations and RevCam not to put up shields and act defensive, because the Evil Cloud might get offended and start attacking. As Spock's talking to Kirk about his suspicion that there's an object at the center of the Evil Cloud, RevCam interrupts to insist that he thinks they should take every precaution possible. Kirk tells him he will not provoke an attack, and if that order isn't clear enough -- RevCam interrupts to tell him, "Captain, as your Exec, it is my duty to point out alternatives." Kirk has a hand out, all ready to slap RevCam down, but after hearing him, he changes his mind and points at him, saying, "Yes, it is! I stand corrected."

Kirk tells navigation to draw an ice cream cone around the Evil Cloud as its flight pattern. Spock seems to be getting an incoming message from the Big Giant Head in the Evil Cloud. Kirk says, "Spock! Tell me!" Spock walks as if dreaming and says, "I sense...puzzlement. We have been contacted, why have we not replied?" Kirk asks how they've been contacted, but an alarm goes off and the mood is broken. They put up their deflectors as a ball of light hurtles toward them. Kirk wants to know what it is, and Spock tells him it's plasma energy with an unknown guidance system. The ship is hit with green and blue lightning. Their force field goes down. Lightning comes out of Chekov's computer and hits his hand. He screams and holds it as it smokes. Everyone watches him scream and hold it. Chekov falls to the ground, still screaming. "Medic," Kirk says, bored. RevCam goes to help the burnt Russian. Technobabble about the shields holding but the force fields overloading. [Deleted scene: Ilia runs over to Chekov as well; then Dr. Nurse Chapel and a male nurse arrive on the scene. "I can stop his pain," Ilia tells Dr. Nurse Chapel, and lays her hands on Chekov's shoulder. He looks to be having an organic experience, and smiles. All better. Ilia takes her hands away and smiles too. Dr. Nurse Chapel is amazed as she sprays Solarcaine on his hand.] Dr. Nurse Chapel sprays Solarcaine on Chekov's hand and smiles at him.

Spock tells Kirk that the Evil Cloud has been trying to reach out and touch them, but their transmission was too "primitive" to make any sense to the Evil Cloud, so Spock is upgrading their system. RevCam assists him. Kirk observes the Evil Cloud powering up for another blast. "Spock!" he says urgently. Heartbeat. Heartbeat. The blast comes closer, and Ilia gives us the countdown to impact. "Mr. Spock!" Kirk pleads. It's about eight seconds away. Kirk requests that Spock transmit now. RevCam confirms that they're transmitting, and the blast disappears into thin air. Kirk comments that their friendly messages got through. Spock agrees that it's a "logical assumption." Is it a logical assumption that I'm this bored with still over AN HOUR left in the movie? Kirk orders Sulu to hold their position. I feel like they've been holding one position the whole damn movie. Kirk asks Spock for his opinion; Spock thinks they should proceed. Kirk asks RevCam his opinion (for what it's worth), and RevCam tells him that he advises "extreme caution" because they "can't withstand another attack." "Yeah, but he's got like twelve kids at home to think about. He should be cautious," Mathra snorts. The two of them argue for a bit -- Kirk and RevCam, that is, not RevCam and Mathra. "Moving into that cloud at this time is an unwarranted gamble," RevCam says. "How do you define 'unwarranted'?" Kirk asks him. "You asked my opinion, Sir," RevCam says. Obviously stumped at Balderdash as well. "I define it as 'put the camera down, this movie's gone on long enough!'" Mathra says, sticking our very last Post Roads from last autumn into the freezer. They decide to go slowly into the Evil Cloud. Key word: SLOWLY. This bit goes on for about five solid minutes with little dialogue -- Kirk and Spock only say what amounts to what we already know, namely that the Evil Cloud is really big and powerful and they don't really know what it is -- and expressions on faces of the crew. I don't even know what we're looking at. It looks like the Big Dig lit up in blue. Tubes, lights, effects. Just when you think it's over. It's so not. They seem to have hit the nucleus, and Kirk tells Uhura to send a picture of it to Starfleet so that the boys back home can know what they're missing. Uhura can't, because the phone is dead. Kirk gives Sulu directions for orbiting the nucleus. I really don't know what's going on, and I'm not going to describe all the scenes of the interior of the Evil Cloud because it's too damn long, and if you really care, rent the thing and sit through it yourself.

Mathra: Uhura looks like she's falling asleep.
Keckler: No, that was me.
Mathra: You know, Ed Harris swimming around in that thing in The Abyss was better than this.
Keckler: Easily.
Mathra: Hell, flying around inside Martin Short in Innerspace was better than this.
Keckler: Oh, please! Geppetto and Pinocchio sailing their Huck Finn raft inside that damn whale was better than this!
Mathra: You know what else was better than this?
Keckler: Do enlighten me.
Mathra: Sailing around inside Katie Couric's colon on the Today Show.
Keckler: We've got an hour left.
Mathra: Party on.

More scenery shots. Finally, after TEN MINUTES of all this, something shoots at the ship, and their "Intruder Alert!" alarm goes off. Clearly, on the heels of Star Wars, they thought they could get a lot of mileage out of extended special-effects shots. Fine. Understandable. But ten straight minutes? I'm not that understanding. A column of light appears on the bridge and moves around them. Chekov shouts (the column of light is noisy also) to Spock, "Mr. Spock, can that be von of deir crew?" Spock tells him it's a probe. The column of light shoots off lightning bolts that snake near Chekov. "Don't interfere with it!" RevCam warns. "Absolootly, I vill not intairfere!" Chekov snarks. Kirk raises his hands and tells everyone not to interfere. Didn't we JUST ESTABLISH THAT?! Kirk thinks it's only interested in the ship. The column of light moves to the main computer and snakes out some lightning bolts to touch it. "Computer off!" Kirk orders, and RevCam rushes to comply.

Mathra: It's like when you have to unplug your computer before a storm, but you're really not supposed to do it when the computer's being attacked by the lightning.
Keckler: That's why he sent RevCam to do it.
Mathra: Hope he's wearing rubber-soled shoes.
Keckler: I hope he's got both feet in buckets of water.

A sadly unsinged RevCam tells them that the column of light has taken control of their computer, and Kirk surmises that it's "running [their] records. Earth defenses, Starfleet strength!" Spock yanks RevCam out of the way, makes a fist with both hands, and smashes the computer's control panel. Several pieces fall off. The Column Of Light attacks Spock with a lick of electricity. Spock falls all over the bridge. Everyone watches The Column Of Light. Spock recovers and stands up. Everyone watches The Column Of Light. The Column snakes out a lightning bolt and attacks Ilia. "Ilia!" RevCam shouts. [Deleted scene: Kirk reaches a hand out to help Ilia, but withdraws it before he touches her as the lightning crackles over her.] Spock reaches out and touches Ilia and gets shocked by the energy. I can see why they deleted that scene; it makes Kirk look like a total coward -- he reaches out, but withdraws, and then Spock actually grabs at Ilia to help her. Bet Shatner made them change it. The lightning travels all over Ilia and then she disappears with the lightning. Her tricorder bounces to the floor. Kirk picks up the tricorder silently. "This is how I define 'unwarranted,'" RevCam snaps. Guess you won't be needing that dictionary after all.

Emergency Alert butts in again, scaring everyone, to warn them that there's no one at the helm. Lots of technobabble and orders to arm battle stations. Spock reports that they are being pulled in by a tractor beam. Kirk orders up a new navigator. Kirk tries to fight the tractor beam, but Scotty tells them they'll burn up the engines if they persist that way. Spock reminds the audience that the Evil Cloud has much more energy than they. Kirk tells Scotty to stop fighting the tractor beam. Shatner's then-wife comes on as "DiFalco" to take over navigation. Meh. The dialogue is technobabblicious and boring. RevCam thinks he has a way to break them free of the tractor beam by firing at it. "Break free to where, Commander? Any show of resistance would be futile, Captain." Spock talks like a robot, a Borg! Oh, wow. BORG REFERENCE! WAHOOEY! Normally? Wouldn't get that excited by that, but there is such a dearth of anything REMOTELY interesting in this movie that I am clutching at those tiny cocktail straws which are impossible to drink anything through. "We don't know that, Mr. Spock," RevCam says. "Why are you opposed to trying?" Bones and Kirk both look at Spock. Um, because if you fired at the thing, it would fire back and destroy you before you got away. Am I the only one who remembers how freakin' long it took you to get to your present course? And am I the only one who has picked up on the repeated reports that the Evil Cloud is so much more powerful than Enterprise with so much more energy? Well, AM I? Maybe I should enroll in Starfleet. Hell, if Wesley Crusher can get in, should be a cinch for me. Bones, who had come onto the bridge for no good reason and said zilch, now leaves. And the music? Yeah, total rip-off of the Vertigo theme. TOTAL.

The ship is being brought inside the Evil Cloud. I mean, even further than they were. Uhura reports that the aperture is closing: "We're trapped, sir." Wait. What aperture? I'm lost -- anyone got a map of this Evil Cloud? Seriously, I've watched this movie multiple times now and I still can't get my bearings. More Evil Cloud innards scenery. They're headed toward a star-shaped thing. Spock reports that the tractor beam has released them. "Confirmed. Vessel is floating free, no forward momentum," Shatner's then-wife reports.

Mathra: Shit, you can say that again.
Keckler: "No forward momentum" should have been on the promo posters.
Mathra: Of course, she could have been referring to her marriage.
Keckler: At least she didn't end up at the bottom of a pool.
Mathra: True.
Keckler: Wait, now I've lost track. Where are we?
Mathra: Well, they've passed from one chamber into another chamber -- an anti-antechamber, if you will.
Keckler: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that question as if I cared.
Mathra: Oh.

They're still moving ahead. Kirk orders a sensor scan. "They can't expect us not to look them over now," Kirk says. "Now that we're looking down their throat," RevCam says. "Right, nowthatthey'vegotusJUST...where they want us," Kirk agrees. They smile at each other. Joy -- they're agreeing with each other now. "Let's take a look," Kirk says.

Mathra: "Let's take a look"? As opposed to what we've been doing!?
Keckler: I'm sorry, but there is NO dramatic tension here.
Mathra: Nope. Just bored tension.
Keckler: Actually, why am I apologizing? They should be apologizing to us for this whole rotten Trek-esty.
Mathra: Yeah.
Keckler: Did you see what I did there? I combined "trek" with "travesty."
Mathra: I saw, I just thought it better to pretend not to.

Spock reports that all their scans are being reflected back and their sensors are useless. So, to sum up: We knew nothing about the Evil Cloud an hour and twenty minutes ago, and we still know nothing now. Okay. Kirk curses, "Damn!" Spock postulates that the closed orifice is another chamber, and starts to say, "I suspect it might be necess --" but stops. The "Intruder Alert" alarm goes off, and Chekov reports that there's an intruder in an officer's quarters. You can hear the audio reporting that "whatever it is, it's white hot," and also that the intruder is located in the sonic shower. Of course. Because what else would an alien being do its first time on a Federation Starship but to take a shower and use some of that new Lever 2276 shower gel. For all its 2276 parts. Kirk wants to be the first to see the alien naked. He dashes off and orders Spock to follow him, leaving RevCam in charge. The Intruder Alert starts giving us a temperature countdown of the intruder in the shower.

Kirk dashes in and positions himself DIE-rectly in front of the shower. The person isn't coming out soon enough for Kirk, so he pushes a button on the panel and the sonic shower opens. Ilia, now fitted with a lit Christopher-Reeve-type speaking tube, turns toward them. She's all kinds of nekkid. "You are the Kirk Unit, you will assist me," Ilia tells him in a mechanized voice. "I've been programmed by V'Ger to observe and record normal functions of the carbon-based units infesting U.S.S. Enterprise." The Intruder Alert voice tells us that the temperature is holding at thirty-seven point six five degrees. Yes, body temp in Celsius -- we GET IT, now stop. From some place in her ass, Ilia pulls a short-short white robe out and puts it on before coming out of the sonic shower. Bones runs in and asks what's happening. "Tricorder!" Kirk commands, pointing at Ilia. Bones scans, and Kirk asks who V'Ger is. "V'Ger is that which programmed me," Ilia tells him. Kirk wants to know if "V'Ger" is the name of the captain. Bones interrupts to inform them that Ilia is a mechanism. "A probe, Captain," Spock confirms, that's recording all they say and do. Kirk wants to know what happened to Ilia, and Ilia tells him, "That unit is no longer functioning. I've been given its form to more readily communicate with the carbon-based units infesting Enterprise." She is a Borg! "'Carbon-based units'?" a helmeted security guard asks. "Humans, Ensign Perez -- us," Bones tells him and those of us in the audience who didn't know the composition of our own bodies. Ilia tells them that she is going to Earth to find The Creator and join with him. "To join with The Creator -- how?" Spock asks. Ilia tells him that V'Ger and The Creator will become one, so Spock asks who The Creator is. "The Creator is that which created V'Ger," Ilia tells him. "Who is V'Ger?" Kirk fires back. "V'Ger is that which seeks The Creator," Ilia tells him. Aaaand that pretty much sums up the whole movie. Can I go home now? Spock tells Bones to give her a complete physical exam in case they can discover who made her and how they should then deal with her. Ilia is reluctant to go with the Bones Unit, because she's only supposed to observe normal stuff that the humans do. Kirk assures her that a physical exam is normal, so Ilia goes with Bones.

Sick Bay. The exam reveals that all Ilia's human functions have been perfectly mimicked by mechanical ones. RevCam walks in and gazes at his former love. She gazes back. "Dec-ker," she says. "Fascinating, not 'Decker Unit,'" Spock comments. I think we had more than enough of the Decker Unit earlier. Kirk explains the situation to RevCam in another room. Spock hypothesizes that if the V'Ger mimicked everything so perfectly in Ilia, it means she still has her memory banks to be drawn upon, and perhaps influenced, by people who knew her. People who knew her well. People who slept with her. Spock reminds RevCam that he did have a relationship with her. "That probe in another form is what killed Ilia!" RevCam protests. "Commander!" Kirk raises his voice, then grasps RevCam's arm dramatically. "Will. We're locked in an alien vessel six hours from Earth's orbit, our only contact with our captor is that probe. If we can control it, persuade it, use it --" There's a small crash, and Ilia walks through a hole in the wall she punched out.

Keckler: Stylish of the alien thing to decide that Ilia should wear heels.
Mathra: Yeah, and no pants.

Ilia tells them that she has recorded enough in Sick Bay, and will now go elsewhere with Kirk assisting her. Kirk takes a raincheck and assures her that RevCam's Unit is much better suited for the job. Ilia complies. They leave. Spock tells Kirk that he's concerned with Ilia being their only source of information.

Kirk logs that RevCam's had little success gaining access to Ilia's memory banks as he shows her around the ship. Meanwhile, they are now only four hours from Earth. From some random room, Kirk and Bones monitor RevCam and Ilia on a viewscreen as they walk around the ship. Creepy. RevCam shows Ilia a game she used to play, hoping to reach her. It doesn't work, even though the music seems to think so. Nor does asking her questions about her vessel, as the words "recreation" and "enjoy" mean nothing in her programming. She is so wearing the Borg label. Ilia wants to know why the ship needs humans on it, and RevCam has to explain that the ship wouldn't function without them "infesting" it. "More data concerning this functioning is necessary before carbon units can be patterned for data storage," Ilia tells him. RevCam wonders what that means. It means SHE'S A BORG! Ilia tells him that all the humans on the ship will "be reduced to data patterns." RevCam tells her he's really interested in accessing the data patterns of a certain unit, and that if she helps, she might understand their functions better. Since this is to her purpose, Ilia tells him to proceed.

Spock creeps around corridors. He's up to no good, I tell ya. He nerve-pinches some guy at a control panel.

Ilia's quarters. Ilia looks at herself in a mirror, wearing some sort of fancy band across her bald head. Dr. Nurse Chapel comments, "I remember Lt. Ilia telling me she once wore that." Ilia stares at herself in the mirror and adjusts the headband. "On Delta," RevCam adds. "Remember?" "Ilia," Dr. Nurse Chapel says. Ilia slowly turns to her and says, "Dr. Chapel." She turns to RevCam, touches his face, and says, "Will?" You can see that her trachea torch has dimmed and she's talking normally. "Commander," Bones warns him. The spell is broken. "This is a mechanism," Bones reminds him. "He knows that, he ordered it from Real Doll," Mathra yuks. RevCam, remembering that his mission is not to get to know her unit well, says, "Ilia, help us make direct contact with V'Ger." Ilia tells him she can't. RevCam asks what The Creator is that V'Ger looks for. Ilia tells him V'Ger doesn't know. Ilia's trachea torch comes back on, and she turns back to the mirror and takes off the silly sparkly headband.

Spock leaves Enterprise in a jet-pack and environmental suit. He's going to see the man behind the curtain. Spock records his movements in a personal computer and says that he's going to attempt to contact the alien. Spock does something that makes a light flash "armed" on a control panel. Majel Barrett's voice says, "Warning, your emergency evacuation thruster pack has been armed. Once ignited, the burn duration is ten seconds and may not be aborted." Spock records that he's going to calculate his thruster burn-off to coincide with the opening of the V'Ger orifice.

Bridge. Uhura tells Kirk that Starfleet's signals are growing stronger, and they still have the Evil Cloud on their monitor. Sulu reports that the Evil Cloud is decelerating as it enters orbit around Earth. "Sir!" Chekov interrupts. "Airlock Four has been opened. A thruster suit is reported missing." "A thruster suit?" Kirk repeats. "That's Spock! Damn him! Bring him back here. Nowait!" Kirk changes his mind and tells Chekov to get a fix on Spock's position.

Outside the ship, Spock thrusts into the Evil Cloud and makes it through the orifice. ["Ew. Hee." -- Sars] He keeps thrusting, entering a tunnel and emerging in what looks like a complete solar system. He jettisons his thruster pack and records what he thinks is a representation of V'Ger's home planet. Talk about taking the Evil Cloud out of the small town, but not taking the small town out of the Evil Cloud. Spock sees more stars, planets, moons, et cetera. "It could be a representation of V'Ger's entire journey," Spock hypothesizes, and reiterates that they STILL don't know what they're dealing with, although Spock believes that "all this" is V'Ger and that they are "inside a living machine." He sees an enormous version of Ilia with a light at her throat. Spock stares at the light -- it looks like one of those plasma globes they have at science museums -- and says, "The sensor must contain some special meaning. I must try to mind-meld with it." Spock holds up his hands and stretches them out. He screams and is thrown backward. You know, I was always given to understand that mind-melding was a really special thing, but here's Spock going around mind-melding with everything that comes his way.

Mathra: You know, Spock also mind-melded with Nomad in "The Changeling," which is a parallel to this movie.
Keckler: Spock's a mind-meld slut.

Another thruster or environmental suit leaves the ship. From the V'Ger orifice, an object hurtles toward the ship. It's Spock, and even though he's unconscious, he still manages to have impeccable aim, throwing himself directly into Kirk's arms. Kirk calls out Spock's name several times, hoping that, through Kirk's helmet and Spock's helmet and Spock's not-really-awake-or-maybe-even-alive state, Spock will hear him. It doesn't appear to work.

Sick Bay. Spock lies on a bed with his eyes open. Dr. Nurse Chapel comes over and holds up a tricorder: "Now scanning pons area, the spinal nerve fiber connection." "I wonder if she's gotten over it, or if while she's scanning the 'pons area,' she sneaks a peek at other stuff, too," Mathra wonders, tearing open a case of wine. Bones looks at the examination graphics and says there might be neurological damage, as the power coming through the mind-meld "must have been staggering." Kirk and Bones look up as they hear a chuckle coming from the corner. It's Spock. They bustle over. "Spock!" Kirk says. "Jim," Spock comments, with a wiggle of eyebrows. He chuckles a little more and says, "I should've known." Kirk asks if he was correct about V'Ger. Spock nods and says, "A life form of its own. A conscious, living entity." "A living machine?" Dr. Nurse Chapel comments off-camera. Kirk comments that V'Ger considers Enterprise a living machine. Spock says that he saw V'Ger's planet, "A planet populated by living machines. Unbelievable technology. V'Ger has knowledge that spans this universe. And yet with all its pure logic, V'Ger is barren, cold, no mystery. No beauty." BORG. Spock chuckles again, "I should've known." "'Known'? Known what, Spock?" Kirk demands, grabbing at him. Spock seems to want to sleep, but Kirk shakes him. Bones tries to get Kirk to control his ardor, but Kirk shakes him off, saying, "Bones!" Kirk leans veeeery close to Spock's face and says, "Spock, what should you have known? What should you have known!?" Spock opens his eyes, grabs Kirk's hand, and says, "Jim, this -- simple feeling is beyond V'Ger's comprehension."

Mathra: Feeling? What feeling? The slash feeling?
Keckler: V'Ger's homophobic.

The two gaze at each other for a bit. Kirk even puts his other hand on top of Spock's. "No meaning, no hope. Jim, no answers. It's asking questions," Spock tells him. Kirk wants to know what questions. "'Is this all that I am? Is there nothing more?'" Spock tells him. Kirk draws back in confusion; Uhura calls him, and he drops Spock's hand. Slashshow Bob is done for the day. Uhura tells him that they have messages from Starfleet telling them the Evil Cloud has been on their monitors for twenty-seven minutes, and the cloud is dissipating the closer it gets to Earth. Sulu reports that they are three minutes from Earth's orbit. Kirk says he's on his way. He turns to Bones and moans, "I need Spock on the bridge." Dr. Nurse Chapel orders up some medical cocktail. Kirk muses on what Spock told them: "A machine planet...sending a machine to Earth...looking for its creator. It'sabsolutelyincredible." Bones smiles. In the background, we see Dr. Nurse Chapel helping Spock to sit up. Kirk asks Chekov where RevCam is, and Chekov reports that he and Ilia are in Engineering.

Bridge. Kirk et al. look at Earth from their viewscreen. They look at a tactical view of the Evil Cloud from Earth. I look at my watch and decide it's rum-and-Coke time. Uhura reports that V'Ger is transmitting some sort of signal. It's a signal that I've been sitting here sober for too long. RevCam and Ilia step onto the bridge. Ilia looks at the signal and reports, "V'Ger signals The Creator." Nobody knows what she's talking about. Kirk turns to Spock, who tells him, "A simple binary code transmitted by carrier-wave signal. Radio." "'Radio'?" Kirk repeats looking back at the screen. Well, turn the radio up. For that sweet sound. Hold me close, never let me go. Keep this feeling alive as I lose control. Can I tell you how much I loved (still love) that song when I was in high school? When I first got my license, that and "Black Velvet" were my favorite songs to blast while tooling around Lake of the Isles. No, I don't want to go back to the recap. I want to talk about things I'm interested in. Yes, I do want to get paid. Fine. But I warn you, it's so much more boring than my life as a teenager in Minneapolis. ["Girl, please. You are SO FIRED for quoting Eric Carmen in a recap. Ew. Hee." -- Sars] RevCam tells Kirk that V'Ger expects an answer. "An answer?" Kirk repeats. He's good at that repeating thing. "I don't know the question," Kirk tells RevCam. "The Creator has not responded," Ilia comments.

A burst of light is launched at Earth. Chekov reports that all of Earth's defense systems have gone inoperative. Another burst of light is launched from V'Ger. A ring of light bursts orbits the planet. Bones comments, "They are the same things that hit us." Spock corrects, "They are hundreds of times more powerful, Captain. From those positions, they could devastate the entire surface of the planet." Kirk squints at the viewscreen, then turns to Ilia and asks, "Why?" Ilia responds, "The Creator has not answered. The carbon-unit infestation is to be removed from The Creator's planet." "Why?" Kirk asks again. "You infest Enterprise," Ilia tells him. "You interfere with The Creator in the same manner." Kirk steps close to Ilia. "Machine?" She doesn't respond. "V'Ger. V'Ger!" She still doesn't respond. Kirk walks away. "Captain, V'Ger is a child. I suggest you treat it as such," Spock says. Kirk parrots, "A child?" "Yes, Captain, a child. Evolving, learning, searching. Instinctively needing," Spock says. RevCam wants to know what it needs, and Bones reminds Spock that this "child" is about to wipe out Earth. "Now, what do you suggest we do? Spank it?" Bones wonders. No, this isn't that kind of movie. Unfortunately. Spock turns away from Bones and says, "It knows only that it needs, Commander. But like so many of us, it does not know what." Kirk tries a different tactic with Ilia and tells her that they, the carbon units, know why The Creator has not responded. "Disclose the information," Ilia insists. Kirk tells her he won't, not until V'Ger removes the explosive devices from their orbit of Earth. Uhura tells Kirk that V'Ger is interfering with their communications to Starfleet. "Kirk Unit, disclose the information. Why has The Creator not responded?" Ilia demands. "No," Kirk tells her. We can hear something approaching the ship, and Kirk orders all stations secured and the bridge evacuated. The ship is hit. "Clear the bridge, Captain?" Sulu asks. "That was the order, Mr. Sulu, clear the bridge," Kirk repeats. Lightning hits the ship from the outside. The ship shakes. "Your child is having a tantrum, Mr. Spock," Bones tells him. Ilia repeats that V'Ger wants the information. Kirk ignores her and again tells everyone to secure their stations and clear out. How many times does he have to say that before they'll follow his orders? They should all be brought up on insubordination charges. Bones demands, "What kind of strategy is this?" More blasts. Kirk tells Ilia that if V'Ger destroys them, it will also destroy that which it seeks. Ilia tells him it's illogical to withhold important information. Everyone files into the turbolift, ignoring Ilia. "Kirk Unit!" she demands.

They keep walking. "Kirk Unit," she says, less demandingly and more like Ilia. Spock turns. Kirk turns. "Why do you not disclose information?" Ilia asks. Kirk explains, "Because V'Ger's going to destroy all the carbon units on the third planet." "They have repressed The Creator," Ilia reminds him. "The information will not be disclosed," Kirk says, and goes back to the turbolift. I think he might be bluffing. Ilia steps forward and says, "V'Ger needs the information." Kirk tells her that V'Ger must withdraw all the orbiting devices. "V'Ger will comply," Ilia tells him, "if the carbon units will disclose the information." Kirk walks back to the turbolift. "It learns fast, doesn't it?" Bones comments. Spock tells Kirk that V'Ger's mental faculties originate from a centralized nucleus, and Kirk extrapolates that the nucleus must also control the armed devices orbiting Earth. Kirk tells Ilia that the information they hold cannot be given to V'Ger's probe, and insists that they be taken directly to V'Ger. Ilia appears to think this over, and we can see the orifice opening again. RevCam reports, "Forward motion, Captain." Spock confirms that they're being pulled in by a tractor beam.

Everyone goes back to their stations. "Well, Mr. Decker, it appears my bluff has been called," Kirk tells him. "I'm afraid our hand is pretty weak, Captain," RevCam smiles back. Oh, camaraderie. Chekov reports that the devices orbiting the Earth will reach their destination in twenty-seven minutes. Through the viewscreen, we can see a light emanating from what looks like Stonehenge. Spock thinks that that's their destination, and Sulu reports that they are slowing down. No, no slowing down -- only speeding up is good! "I report an oxygen gravity envelope forming outside the Enterprise," Chekov says. The ship stops. "V'Ger," Ilia says, pointing at the Stonehenge light. Uhura says that the radio transmission is coming from the Stonehenge light. "That transmitter is a vital link between V'Ger and its Creator," Spock says. Once more, Ilia demands the information. Kirk turns and tells Spock and Bones to accompany him. "Mr. Decker, I will contact you every five minutes," Kirk says. RevCam says he wants to go along. Kirk considers this. "Mr. Sulu, you have the conn," Kirk says. I guess RevCam is going on the field trip. The five leave. Uhura looks scared.

Lightning flashes around Enterprise as we get a view of the saucer section. There's a small hatch opening, and we can see five figures coming out. Looking ahead, we see the Stonehenge light. It looks like the five have to traverse a long road of flat-topped cobblestones before they get to V'Ger. You'd think V'Ger would have allowed the ship to get closer, because now this is going to take forever. It's totally like the Emerald City at the end of the Yellow Brick Road. Except the road looks like someone upended a box of crayons and the five have to walk across their flat bottoms. So, not quite the Yellow Brick Road -- more like the Burnt Umber-Periwinkle-Sienna Brick Road. They walk. Earlier, we could see that V'Ger was fashion-minded enough to have Ilia shod in strappy silver stilettos, so I'm thinking this could be a pretty uncomfortable journey for her. They finally reach the end of the road and can see lots of complicated technology in the middle of a rounded-out section. "V'Ger," Ilia points. "How many more times is she going to say that? They're going to get right up to the thing and she's going to point at it and say, 'V'Ger'!" Mathra gripes. Kirk looks really huge in the orange smock thing they were all made to wear upon leaving the ship.

Ilia leads the way to the center. She stops and stands to the middle section. Kirk gets closer and starts rubbing dirt off a panel. "V--G--E--R. V'Ger," Kirk recites, showing an affinity not often seen in one who hasn't watched Sesame Street for sounding out words. Fascinating. We are given a view of the panel, and we can see "GER," so we know Kirk is definitely a fast learner. Kirk rubs more dirt off. "V--O--Y--A--G--E--R!" Kirk exclaims. "A...latenineteennineties...televisionshow...starring...Kate! Mulgrew! Areallybad...SPIN-OFF!" Mathra Kirks. Kirk rubs off some more dirt: "Voyager VI!" He exclaims. "NASA," RevCam tells us. "National Aeronautics and Space Administration!" So they're the ones responsible for the anvil that didn't burn up in re-entry before it landed right in my lap? "Jim, this was launched more than three hundred years ago," RevCam continues, happy to have reminded all us twentieth-century audience members what "NASA" stands for. Jiminy H. Christ! Kirk goes on that the Voyager series of probes was used to collect data and transmit that data back to Earth. ["If anyone's interested, week marks the twenty-fifth anniversary of the Voyager 2 launch." -- Sars]

As if to say, "FINALLY!" V'Ger emits some noises, startling everyone. Then it stops making noise, and there's an embarrassed silence because no one knows quite what to say. "Captain," RevCam says, trying to change the subject, "Voyager VI disappeared into what they used to call a black hole." "Used to call"? Guess someone should have told Janeway and Picard that their technobabble was so pass. Kirk hypothesizes that the probe emerged from the other side of "what they used to call a black hole" and got caught in the machine planet's grav field. Spock elaborates that the planet of machines adopted the probe: "They discovered its simple twentieth-century programming: collect all data possible." "Learn all that is learnable," RevCam muses. Then he gets a flash of insight. "Return that data to its creator!" Spock tells him to go to the head of the class, and that the machine planet took that direction literally and built this huge vessel around the probe in order to send it back to its creator. Kind of like an adopted child going back to find her biological parents, picking up all sorts of baggage along the way in order to inflict it on her natural mother and father when she finds them. Hey, that's a pretty good analogy for such a BORING movie. Kirk goes on to say that the probe gathered up so much knowledge that it achieved consciousness of itself. Like the aforementioned adopted child going off on an Outward Bound trip in Colorado to "find" herself. "It became a living thing," Kirk says. V'Ger makes more noises, increasing in volume. Sounds like lunch didn't agree with it. "Kirk Unit, V'Ger awaits the information," Ilia tells him.

Kirk calls the ship and tells them to get the records on Voyager VI. "Specifically, we want the old NASA code signal that instructs the probe to transmit its data. And fast, Uhura, fast!" RevCam tells us, "That's what it's been signaling -- its readiness to transmit its information." Boy, nothing gets by him. Kirk says that no one on Earth could have recognized that signal in order to communicate with it. "The Creator does not answer," Bones says. V'Ger makes more noise and more Pink Floyd Light Shows. Kirk tries talking directly to V'Ger. He holds out his hands, palms up: "We are The Creator." "Oh, Lord! It can't hear you. It speaks in radio waves, not scenery-chewing!" Mathra shouts. Ilia tells him that's not logical: "Carbon units are not true lifeforms." "We will prove it. We will make it possible for you to complete your programming. Only The Creator could accomplish that," Kirk promises. Uhura tells Kirk that they've got the code. "Set the Enterprise transmitter on appropriate frequency and transmit...thecodenow!" Kirk orders. RevCam reads off the code. It's a bunch of numbers. "That should trigger Voyager's transmitter," Kirk says. Yeah, but it doesn't. Spock reports that V'Ger is not transmitting its data. "The Creator must join with V'Ger," Ilia tells them. Kirk asks Uhura to repeat the final sequence. V'Ger makes irritable noises. "The Creator must join with V'Ger," Ilia says, stepping close to RevCam. Romantic music, full of the pathos of love lost and found, plays. RevCam looks thrilled. Ilia looks teary-eyed. I look violently ill. Spock opens a panel and says that V'Ger can't transmit because it didn't receive the final sequence of the code. Bones reminds them in urgent tones that they are down to ten minutes.

Kirk tells the ship to stand by and looks into the panel Spock opened. We see something, but we can't tell what it is. "The antenna leads are melted away," Kirk says, reaching out. Spock stops him: "Yes, sir, just now. By V'Ger itself." "Why?" Kirk asks. "To prevent reception," Spock says. "Of course," RevCam says. "To bring The Creator here, to finish transmitting the code in person." Ilia and RevCam gaze at each other. "To touch The Creator," RevCam finishes. Ewww! "Capture God?" Bones asks. "V'Ger's liable to be in for one helluva disappointment!" "Perhaps not, Doctor," Spock says cryptically. Kirk looks at him. Views of technology and data banks. Spock takes them all aside and says that V'Ger needs to evolve, as it has taken in all information possible. "What it requires of its god, Doctor, is the answer to its question: 'Is there nothing more?'" Bones asks what more there can be. "Other dimensions, higher levels of being," RevCam says. Oh, just say it: Sex. V'Ger's making a booty call. "The existence of which cannot be proven logically, therefore V'Ger is incapable of believing in them," Spock says. "What V'Ger needsinordertoevolve...is the human quality. Our capacity to leap beyond logic!" Kirk says. "And joining with its Creator might accomplish that," RevCam says, after a glance at Ilia's pleading face. "You mean this machine wants to physically join with a human -- is that possible?" Bones wonders. RevCam stares at Ilia and says, "Let's find out!" He walks back to V'Ger and starts fiddling with the panel. Kirk attempts to stop him, but Ilia throws him aside, keeping her eyes on RevCam. RevCam says he's going to key in the final sequence through the "ground test" computer. Bones shouts that he doesn't have any idea what will happen to him. "Yes, I do, Doctor!" RevCam says blissfully. He's finally going to get to do it with a Deltan. "Decker, don't," Kirk says really half-heartedly as he sort of struggles against Spock and Bones. "Jim," RevCam says, spinning himself dramatically away from the panel to face them with his arms open, "I want this. As much as you wanted the Enterprise, I want this." Ilia stares at RevCam. He stares back. They stare for awhile. Little points of light appear around RevCam's head and body. Soon, he is engulfed in sparklies. His hair looks like it's being sucked to stand on end by a Flo-Bee. He rises in the air, surrounded by light. Kind of like Cordelia in the Angel season finale, but more like Scott Bakula in the opening of Quantum Leap. What a coincidence. More light envelops him; this goes on for awhile. You can see a Jacob's Ladder effect going on behind him. Finally, Ilia steps into the light with him. They rotate together. V'Ger makes noises. Kirk's jaw drops. Sparkles of light go everywhere. They disappear. Bones and Spock make to leave, tugging Kirk behind them. V'Ger is radiant with afterglow. I hope they made it back to the ship, because V'Ger sort of expands into a big ring of light and I don't think it's too concerned with that oxygen pocket anymore. V'Ger disappears from around Enterprise.