Enterprise S01E28

This recap is sponsored by the capacious purse of Ma Keckler, which felt the need to stock up my liquor cabinet before she left the most opinionated zip code in the U.S. She may not get all the references in my recaps, but she certainly knows what keeps them going. So, tonight I'm mixing myself a nice Bombay Sapphire Qui-Gon Gin and Tonic. I'm also hauling out several crusty baguettes because The Boursin Of Overacting is in creamy, tasty, spreadable evidence in this episode. Although I have to say I'm starting to rethink my choice of drink. Maybe it's time to change poisons. Has anyone ever heard of that Italian drink called strega? Apparently, there's a witch on the bottle, and if two people drink it together, they never drink it apart. I heard about it in an old Ginger Rogers movie. I wonder if Strega knows about strega. I wonder where I can get it. I wonder if I can put off pressing play any longer.

For more than a thousand generations, the spacemen were the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy. Before the dark times. Before the Plato. The Enterprise is responding to "desperate distress calls from an unknown planet." As usual. Kirk, Spock, and Bones beam down to a place with pillars (one is always so hard-pressed to remember if they're Doric or Corinthian) and marble busts. Spock is perplexed by the distress calls, since he found no signs of life on the planet. Kirk's Captain's Logarithm continues, "It is rich in Kironide deposits. A very rare and long-lasting source of great power." Which, after this episode, will never, ever be mentioned again. Once they solidify, the away team is greeted by a booming voice: "Are you from the spaceship Enterprise?" Silently, the away team looks around and spies a formidable shadow cast against a red-lit wall. Kirk approaches the red light district (stay away from the light, Carol Ann!) and tells him that's who they are. The shadow shrinks as the owner of the booming voice advances and appears as a little person in toga gear, introducing himself, "Alexander, at your service. I sing, I dance, I play all varieties of games and I'm a good loser, a very good loser. Please, try to bear that in mind." Kirk's a good loser too. No wait, he's just a loser. You know, scratch that, because after suffering through a whole season of Captain Quantum, it has become difficult for me to dislike Kirk. Alexander informs them that they are Platonians, whose native star, Sahndara, went nova a millennium ago. They managed to escape and relocate to this planet, which they call Platonius. "Our leader liked Plato's ideas. Plato, Platonius, see?" Alexander explains. Good thing his leader didn't happen to glom onto the teachings of the god of love, Eros. Then they'd be living on planet Erroneous. Heh. Heh. Oh, shut up. "In fact our present philosopher-king, Parmen, sometimes calls us Plato's Children. Although we sometimes think of ourselves more as Plato's stepchildren," Alexander says, grinning nervously. Abruptly, Alexander is jerked out of the room by some unseen force, and he shouts back that someone is waiting for the Enterprise crew.

In another marble hall with pillars, a few more togaed individuals congregate languidly around a man stretched out on a red velvet fainting couch. A segment of the floor is made up of a black-and-white checkerboard with life-sized chess pieces, and various gold-leaf occasional tables stand around occasionally. A woman with red hair done up in an elaborate Grecian chignon glides over in her gold braid-trimmed green toga, welcomes the away team to their "republic," and asks which one of them is a doctor. Bones steps up and asks what the problem is. "My spouse, his leg. Come this way," Chignon says, and swishes toward the red velvet Lounge Lizard. Bones looks the Lounge Lizard over and asks him what happened to his leg. "I suppose I scratched it," Lounge Lizard tells him from under his crown of golden laurel leaves. Bones is confused and tells him his "scratch" should have been attended to a long time ago. "Sheer ignorance," Lounge Lizard tells him. "Is there anything you can do?" Bones assures him he's going to try. Do or do not. There is no try. Chignon settles herself in a chair and watches intently. Bones unsnaps his medical fanny pack to get a hypospray of painkiller. The hypospray floats out on its own and hovers near Lounge Lizard, who asks, "Where?" Bones tells him where to stick it, and the hovering hypo sprays itself in Lounge Lizard's arm. Then Bones snatches at the hovering hypo and examines it. Alexander turns to Chignon and says, "Philana, they came to help. They deserve better than to die -- ARGHH!" The "ARGHH!" comes from Alexander's hand cramming itself into his mouth. Philana of the Chignon tells Alexander that he talks too much.

Bones attends to his writhing patient by examining him with a tricorder, as Kirk splits a log: "When [the Platonians'] planet novaed a millenni[um] ago, they transported themselves to Earth during the time of Socrates and Plato. After the death of the Greek civilization they idolized, they came to this planet and created for themselves a utopia patterned after it." Wonder why the Enterprise crew didn't want to mention that they ran into Apollo last season? And killed him, too. Well, I guess it's a fair question: "Who Mourns For Adonais?" Alexander hauls the life-sized chess pieces around the board, while two Philostrates use The Force to make theirs move. Parmen asks about Bones's findings and is told, grouchily, that he'll let His High And Mightiness know once he figures it out. "And from now on, it would be better if I handled the instruments without your help!" Bones crabs. Philana moves to adjust a purple plush pillow under Parmen's head. Bones joins Spock and Kirk, who wonder aloud how an infection like that could have come from so slight a wound. Bones admits that he doesn't get it either; furthermore, he can't treat an infection when his tricorder readings don't display Platonius's resident bacteria. Mimicking me on Wednesday nights during the regular television season, Parmen writhes and moans a bit as Bones says the only thing he can do is attempt to match the infection with known ConAgra-peddled E.coli strains and hope for the best. Alexander moves a chess piece and announces to one of the Philostrates, "Your Pan is in jeopardy." The Philostrate "hmms" superciliously and gestures at a piece, which lifts in the air and moves across the board. "It isn't now -- I win!" he says grandly. And a bit effeminately, if truth be told. "Well played, Eraclitis," the other Philostrate tells him. "I thank you, Dionyd," Eraclitus The Slack-Jawed Yokel trills as they walk off. Probably to visit the vomitorium by way of an orgy-feast. Oh, but that was the Romans, wasn't it? Still fitting, in my opinion.

Oh, dear -- I do hope I don't offend a bunch of ancient Romans or Greeks out there by saying so because if do, they'll probably stuff my inbox with irate emails which I couldn't possibly read without Pliny the Elder's help. I mean, judging by the obnoxious email I got after my last recap, haranguing me for saying that Mathra was in Park City, Mormonia, there are tons of people out there just gagging to be offended. For the record, I was NOT insulting Mormons, the Church of LDS, or the state of Utah. It happens to be fact -- and not something my recapper's mind just pulled out of thin air -- that the state of Utah is heavily populated by Mormons. Just like Romania has Romanians, Albania has Albanians, Australia has Australians, California has Californians -- do I need to go on? The freeze-dried fact is, I said nothing derogatory about the religion or its followers. If I had said "Mor-mania," I can see how that might give rise to heated emotions, but as it happens, I didn't, so before you start doing The Pee-Pee Dance (tm Wing) Of Righteous Indignation, give two seconds of thought to what I actually wrote! I mean, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph on a cracker, people -- get a sense of humor!

Philana sashays over, and Kirk inquires as to how long they've had their psychokinetic abilities. "Two-and-a-half --" Philana starts to say, but changes her mind and says, "Ever since our arrival here on Platonius." Spock asks how the power is transmitted. "Brainwaves," Philana tells him. "Do these brainwaves cease when you're asleep?" Spock wants to know. "No, not if they're embedded in the unconscious," Philana tells him diffidently. Bones, examining various plastic slides and tubes, demands, "What about medicine? Why no doctors?" Philana tells him they've had "no pressing need" for them. Yeah, "enlightened society," my cat's fuzzed fanny. Bones looks concerned, and Philana explains, "You see, while still on Sahndara, we instituted a mass eugenics program. We are the result. Pared down to a population of thirty-eight, we're perfect for our utopia. We're bred for contemplation, and self-reliance, and longevity. How old do you think I am?" Philana asks Spock, adding that she's not at all vain so he needn't worry about offending her. "Thirty-five," Spock tells her almost ironically, with his arms crossed. Philana looks surprised: "That old?" She feels her neck and tells them she stopped aging at thirty but is in reality two thousand three hundred years old. Maybe it's time for her to start using Estee Lauder's Fruition Extra Multi-Action Complex, twice a day on clean skin. She looks to Bones for his reaction, but he doesn't really have one. "We were married very young," Philana preens. "I was only one hundred and seventeen and he was one hundred and twenty-eight. [So, they'll be celebrating their Dilithium Anniversary soon -- Mazel Tov!] So you see we scarcely have to move anymore, let alone work." Then why aren't they obese with bedsores? Kirk hypothesizes that their lack of movement and work is why they have no resistance, and Philana confirms that a cut or a break in the skin can be fatal. And these "contemplators," these "academicians," think this is a smart way to live? Maybe they should look into investing in a couple thousand acres of Bubble Boy Real Estate.

Parmen's pain worsens, and he groans and moans and writhes and wriggles. In the midst of his torment, his psychokinetic powers go haywire and throw plaster busts and chess pieces and other large objects around. But not Scotty, because he's still up on the ship. Okay, that's really not fair, since he is incredibly slim in these episodes so replace "Scotty" with "Kirk's dinners." Alexander takes cover behind a column, and Spock comments, "Fascinating. I believe we're experiencing the psychokinetic manifestations of Parmen's delirium." Kirk manages to fall onto Bones -- wait, did he cop a feel there?

Up in the big, black yonder, the Enterprise bridge shakes around. Scotty's in the captain's chair, not doing much. A space view shows the camera guy unfocusing and refocusing a stock shot of the ship. I'm not completely sure, but I think that's supposed to illustrate the whole lotta shakin' going on. Scotty calls Kirk and tells him they're experiencing some sort of storm with ten-scale turbulence. Kirk orders him to take the ship out of orbit, but Scotty tells him he's already tried that. His captain tells him to batten down the hatches and ride out the storm.

Kirk explains to the general (re)public what Parmen's mind is doing to the ship, then orders Bones to "knock him out fast!" Bones heads over with a hypospray, but Parmen throws Bones and the hypo against several walls. Parmen then starts smacking Alexander with unseen (but audible) punches. Kirk rushes to defend Alexander and takes a few in the kisser. Alexander tells Kirk that Parmen's mind will find him no matter what. "Don't save him," Alexander pleads. "Let him die. The others will all kill each other trying to take his place." Kirk hurls his face around in overreaction to invisible punches and orders Bones to hurry with the hypo. Suddenly, Alexander gets strangled by an unseen force. "Bones!" Kirk yells, rushing to help Alexander. "Shake him! Break his concentration!" Bones shakes Parmen, and finally the hypo kicks in, so he goes limp. Alexander is released. Kirk comms the ship, and Scotty tells him all's well. Kirk tells him to make whatever repairs are necessary. Philana can't thank them enough, and orders Alexander to show them to the South Wing. Kirk tells her they've got to be getting back to their ship, but Bones says he should remain until the fever breaks. So Alexander leads them all off while Philana watches them go. She does a lot of watching in this episode. She's a voyeur.

Alexander takes them into a room with very tall golden doors and begs them to call him if there is anything at all they need. Kirk thanks him, and Alexander says, "Think nothing of it, you saved my life. In fact, I should tell you that --" He stops himself, and Kirk asks, "Tell me what?" Alexander backpedals and says he just never knew people like them existed. Kirk asks where everyone is, and Alexander tells them they're "in chambers," meditating. Kirk sits down and asks Alexander if there are other Platonians like him. Alexander looks angry and asks what he means. Kirk asks if there are other Platonians who don't have the psychokinetic powers. Alexander's brow clears, and he says, "I thought you were talking about my size. Because they make fun of me for my size, but to answer your question, I'm the only one who doesn't have it. I was brought here as the court buffoon that's why I'm everybody's slave and I have to be ten places at once and I never do anything right." Spock wants to know how the power manifests, and Alexander says he understands it just comes to them, a few years after birth. "They say I'm a throwback and I am and so are you," Alexander says, pointing at Kirk. No, no, that's just the Botox. But then he feels bad and apologizes for saying it. Kirk tells him not to worry about it, because they are very happy without that power. Well, I'm not. Cleaning the litter boxes would be considerably more pleasant with that kind of power -- you just think the pewp into the plastic bag instead of making Mathra do it. Alexander plaintively asks if there are people where Kirk comes from who are his size and without The Force. Kirk gives him a kindly look and says, "Alexander, where I come from, size, shape, or color makes no difference and nobody has the power." "Nobody?" Alexander asks in awe. Kirk shakes his head, chewing his grapes. Alexander is jerked from the room and he excuses himself, saying somebody wants him. Spock tells Kirk that it will be very "gratifying" to leave that place, and Kirk tells him that, if Parmen should die, it might be difficult to leave. "Even if he shouldn't," Spock agrees. "This utopia of theirs is one of the best kept secrets of the galaxy -- screening themselves from our sensors, locking us into orbit -- all this adds up to a pattern," Kirk says, taking an inordinate amount of interest in staring intensely at nothing across the room. Spock raises an eyebrow, and Bones trots in, saying that his "concoction" worked. Parmen's cured and already quickly on the mend. "Dr. McCoy, you may yet cure the common cold," Spock comments calmly. Yeah, but sadly, he doesn't, since we know Picard catches one in about a hundred years. Kirk says it's time for them to leave, and comms Scotty to beam them up. Scotty tells him he can't -- all the controls are frozen, and it's not from turbulence damage. Kirk asks what caused the control freeze. "I dunna know, sir, and those are the facts!" The camera crazily zooms in on Scotty's face at The TOS Angle Of Confused But Definitely Portentous Drama as he delivers his line.

Kirk storms into the Great Hall and demands of the cured Parma Ham why their ship is being held in the thrall of the planet. Alexander is in the middle of playing some weird song on a harp, containing some verses that go, "Bek-ek-ek-ek-ek-exx." Very odd, these musical interludes. Parmen tries to say he's mistaken, but Kirk's not buying it; he informs Parmen that they came to his rescue in good faith, and orders him to release his ship tout suite. Parmen tells him he's the ruler of all the land and guests do not come barging in, making demands and issuing orders. Kirk's phase pistol flies out of its holster and into Parmen's hand. Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid. Kirk crabs that Parmen needs the Webster's Collegiate to look up the definition, since he's keeping them there by brute force. Alexander looks scared, and Parmen thunders at Kirk not to speak of him in that tone of voice. Suddenly, Kirk's hand is in front of his own face, and it starts slapping him. There's this great page on Sci-Fi.com which keeps score on all sorts of things -- Kirk's conquests, Spock saying "logical," Chekov's Russian pride, et cetera -- in every TOS episode, and it calculates that Kirk slapped himself fourteen times in this one. Kirk looks very surprised by this sudden turn of events and jerks his head about quite a bit in reaction. This philosopher-king is my kind of scum: fearless and inventive.

Kirk and Co. are back in the Great Hall, and it would appear that Parmen, like most of his crew, thought all Kirk needed was a good slapping, because now the Platonians are ready to let the humans go with a few thank-you baubles. Philana curtseys and passes out the trinkets: "They stem from the very source of our inspiration. To our noble captain, the shield carried by Pericles, as a symbol of gallant leadership." Philana psychokinetics the shield into Kirk's hands. "To our silent and cerebral Mr. Spock, this kithara to pluck music to soothe his ever-active brow." Philana flips an instrument into Spock's hands. "And lastly to the physician Dr. McCoy who saved Platonius and my spouse, this ancient collection of Greek cures, penned by Hippocrates himself," and two scrolls make their way to Bones. So, Kirk gets the sword of Pericles and Bones gets some Hippocratic spells, but Spock just gets some lousy lyre that belonged to no one famous? What a gyp. Kirk asks if their ship has been released, and Parmen holds up a hand, apologizing for his behavior and telling Kirk that his ill health upset him more than he realized. He explains to Kirk that at times, the good captain must have been out of sorts and driven to temper tantrums himself. Shall we list a few episodes? "Unlike you, however, what I think and feel, whether for good or ill, is instantly translated into reality so please, find it in your heart to forgive me," Parmen orates handsomely. Kirk grudgingly says he understands, and asks again if the ship has been released. Sitting by an indoor pool and clutching a drum, Alexander looks scared. Parmen tells him it will be released momentarily. Kirk thanks him for their toys and bids them "good day." Parmen detains them, saying he has one further request; Bones must stay with them. Forever.

Bones apologizes and tells Parmen his request is impossible. "Your duties will be extraordinarily light," Parmen goes on, ignoring Bones. "You'll be free to read, meditate, to conduct research -- whatever you like, you'll want for nothing." Bones says, "The answer is no." Parmen tells him they'd like to keep things pleasant, but they have their hearts set on making him stay. Kirk steps forward and points out, "Dr. McCoy saved your life." Parmen tells Kirk he's starting to lose patience. "And you consider yourself a disciple of Plato?" Kirk thunders. Parmen says snottily, "We manage to live in peace and harmony." Spock, his harp held near his face at just the right angle to make an attractive shot, mildly asks, "Whose harmony? [Well, see, Harmony's this twit of a vampire on Buffy who also appeared on Angel and -- oh, it's not about that Harmony. Okay.] Yours? Plato wanted truth and beauty, and above all, justice." Parmen condescends that they've had to adapt Plato's teachings to fit their purposes, but they've constructed the most democratic society conceivable. Shot of Alexander, just in case any of us turned into Bermaga and have amnesia about things that happened five minutes ago, thereby forgetting how very un-democratic the Platonians are. "Anyone can, at any moment, be or do anything he wishes, even to becoming ruler of Platonius, if his mind is strong enough!" Parmen says. The Kironide can have a strong influence on a weak mind. "And if his mind isn't strong enough, he gets torn apart like Alexander," Kirk states angrily. Or he becomes captain of the Enterprise in a prequel series. Philana looks fiendishly pleased as Parmen says, "Oh, come now, we are not children. In your culture, justice is the will of the stronger, it is forced upon people by means of weapons and fleet of spaceships. Our justice is the will of the stronger mind and I, for one, consider it a vast improvement." Kirk tells Parmen that they don't use their weapons to enforce the sort of brutality Parmen and his ilk do. No, they're really only good for corporate retreat talent shows. "Farewell, Captain," Parmen says in bored tones.

Kirk turns away and says, "Come on, Doctor." Bones attempts to follow but finds himself frozen to the spot as Parmen holds out his hand. "I can't move, Jim," Bones says. "They're going to keep me here, no matter what. Leave, please." Kirk tells him he's not leaving without him, and the Platonians won't dare forcing him because they need him to be in a good mood. Parmen encourages Kirk to leave while he still is able, but Kirk booms that they aren't leaving without Bones. Parmen tells Kirk to stop throwing around his man-breasts as though he's straddling his own bridge, and Philana tells her husband impatiently to get rid of them. "Oh, no, my dear, that might offend the good doctor," Parmen tells her, and then turns back to the crew: "You wish to stay. By all means, you can help us celebrate our anniversary. In the process, I hope we can persuade you to join our tiny republic." Bones grits out that they won't be able to persuade him. "I think we will," Parmen says ominously, and clenches his fist with a little twist. Bones, against his will, is dragged to Parmen's side. Bones turns to look at his colleagues and sees them both pitched slightly forward against their will. Parmen releases them momentarily and flings some laurel wreathes at them. No, thanks, I've got some already. He forces them down on all fours and makes them place the wreaths on their heads. For the considerable time, Spock and Kirk are under Parmen's will. Keep that in mind so I don't have to keep reminding you.

Alexander is made to play a sort of death march on his drum, and both Spock and Kirk bow to the company. They turn face-to-face and skip a do-si-do around each other to the beat of Alexander's drum. Kirk does a rather accomplished plie and chants, "I'm Tweedledee, he's Tweedledum." In response to being so introduced, Spock executes a weaker plie than Kirk's and chants, "Two spacemen marching to a drum!" And then, in unison accompanied by some heel clicks and slalom jigs, they warble, "We slithe among the mimsy troves [sic] and gyre among the borogroves [sic]." Hee. I rewound it six times because 'twas brillig, really -- too brillig for words. TweedleBrie and TweedleGlum bow again at the conclusion of this little display, both showing a great deal of grinning teeth. At least, Spock's incisors blinded me; I'm still not sure if Kirk was smiling as large. Or as white. Maybe Nimoy uses Crest White Strips.

The two are forced back down to their knees, and Kirk grunts out, "You're not staying, McCoy, no matter what he tries --" but Parmen interrupts by flinging him and Spock around the room on their bellies. Bones pleads with Parmen to stop his antics, but from under the extreme shadow of his laurel crown and an extreme close-up shot, Kirk constipates, "McCoy, nomatter...what HE makes me SAY-or do, the...answer'sNO! OOF!" Oops, I think he lost his laurels there. In that last bit, Parmen waved his hand so that Kirk dropped the hem of Parmen's robe -- which he had somehow gathered close to his mouth -- twisted his face, and fell backward. Hence the "OOF!" Bones yells at Parmen to stop while Kirk squirms and rolls around the floor in pain. Is it wrong that I enjoyed that? Again, we see Voyeur Philana watching intently. At one point, the music crescendos and Kirk raises his pelvis in a half-hearted backbend and screams. Other than that move, Kirk doesn't have a conquest in this episode. Just in case you were wondering. Parmen appears to release him and says, "We have had enough of your moralizing." "And we've had too much of yours," Bones shrieks. "You will never get me to stay here." Parmen tells him calmly that, while it may take a bit of time, he will be happy to stay. He's more philosophy now than man, twisted and evil.

Parmen now bends his mind around Spock, making him stand up and raise his arms slowly out like Bela Lugosi on the Dracula poster my mom puts up at Halloween. Have I ever mentioned that my grandmother was in the Bela Lugosi Dracula? No? Well, she was. She played a nurse who was hypnotized to let Dracula into the room. She was also in The Women. I guess the effect they're going for with Spock here is to make him look like a marionette, his strings held by Parmen. Spock minces over to the prone Kirk and tap-dances around his head. The tap noises so do not match Nimoy's feet. I think they thought that by having Nimoy run in place accompanied by some clever tap noises, we'd think he was Twyla Tharp. The camera pulls back to show Spock jumping, tapping, and clapping his hands over Kirk -- all very Dance Of The Reed Flutes. Kirk licks his lips and comes back to consciousness, just as Spock executes a few mini-kicks over Kirk's head. Spock pauses, shaking, as he holds one foot over Kirk's face. Kirk looks frightened that Spock's size nines will ruin his nice new nose job and smear it into his fifth botched eye tuck. Spock's foot lowers and just seems to tap the tip of his Captain's turned-up nose. I half expected a Mr. Miyagi "HOOONK!" to result. But no.

Spock of the Dance's face relaxes and he tips backwards, momentarily released by Parmen. Until he starts laughing. He chuckles. He giggles. He titters. He guffaws. Bones looks away in distress as Spock clutches his belly and crawls, laughing, to Alexander, who seems infected by the Vulcan's mirth. "He's a Vulcan! You can't force emotion out of him!" Bones shouts. A little perspective, please -- he's only half Vulcan, so it's not as bad as if they were forcing a full-blood like Sarek to laugh. "You must be joking, Doctor," Philana tells him with false surprise. "It'll destroy him," Bones agonizes. Parmen says they can't let Spock "die laughing," so they make him cry. Spock sobs. He wails. He blubbers. He's a veritable font of snivelation. Vainly, Kirk calls out to Spock from the floor and urges him not to let them break him. Spock rests his face against Alexander's leg, who cries in sympathy. "Hold on," Kirk says, crawling toward him. "Don't --" But Parmen (or Philana) mentally grabs hold of the Captain once more and makes him rear up on all fours. He paws at the air with his front legs -- urm, with his arms -- and rotates his shoulders. This should be interesting. Kirk slinks across the floor on his hands and knees, as Alexander pleads with Parmen that they saved his life. "I'm ashamed to be a Platonian! Ashamed!" Alexander announces, getting to his feet, one comforting hand still on Spock's shoulder. Parmen glares at him and throws him toward Kirk. Alexander climbs onto Kirk's back and slaps his butt. Did this episode come with a parental advisory? Suddenly, Kirk rears up and whinnies, pawing at the air. He does this many more hysterical times as Bones watches in anguish. "How can you let this go on?" Parmen asks him. Because it's good TV!

Suddenly, all three crewmen and Alexander are back in the South Wing, looking quite well, and Kirk's no longer feeling the urge to be The Last Unicorn and gnaw on sugar cubes. The camera, Bones, and Kirk watch Spock's hand destroy a vase in his clutch. I see he's annoyed by the scene continuity as well. Kirk, still staring at his friend, gets up and stands close to him. Not saying a word, just staring at Spock's saturnine face. "Jim!" Bones jerks Kirk out of his slashdream. Kirk collects himself, rolls and rubs his shoulders, and backs away from Spock. Now what was that about? Was Bones worried that Kirk was going to kiss Spock, or was he just wordlessly warning him not to attempt to offer comfort to Spock because of Spock's delicate Vulcan state? Like the Tootsie Pop, the world may never know. Bones tells Kirk that he has decided to stay on the planet. "You can't!" Kirk says. "But Parmen has promised me you'll be safe," Bones continues. But an oath to a scoundrel is meaningless. Kirk scenery-chews the subject of Parmen's truthfulness. They debate the topic for a bit until Kirk says that Parmen knows that Starfleet wouldn't just stand by on their collective butts once they learned of Platonius; therefore, Parmen would never give them the chance to leave alive. "Sacrifice yourself by agreeing to stay, and you sign our death warrant!" Kirk chews. Alexander corroborates this, saying that he should have warned them right off. "They were treating you the same way they treat me -- just like me -- only you fight better. All this time, I thought it was me, my mind that couldn't move a pebble. They even told me I was lucky they bothered to keep me around at all. The arms and legs of everybody's whim. Look down. Don't meet their eyes. Smile, smile! Those great people, they were gods to me. But you showed me what they really are and now I know, don't you see. It's not me, it's not my size, it's them. It's them! It's THEM!" Alexander shouts, and suddenly goes slightly berserk and crashes an urn against the wall. Bones makes a move to stop him, but Kirk holds him back. Alexander picks up a shard of the urn and examines its sharpness, but Kirk orders him to put it down. Alexander desperately explains that if he cuts all of them, they'll get infected and die. "They're going to kill you anyway, you know that!" Alexander squawks. Good! Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you. You want this, don't you? The hate is swelling in you now. Take your Plato weapon. Use it. I am unarmed. Strike me down with it. Give in to your anger! With each passing moment you make yourself more my servant! MUWAH HA HA HA HA!

Ahem. Anyway, Kirk chuckles and says, "In that case, what's the point in you dying too, Alexander?" Alexander whimpers a bit and hands the shard over, commenting sadly that that's the first time anyone's ever put his life before their own. "I should've told you when you first came here that they were gonna kill you 'cuz I knew then but I was afraid. I was afraid!" Alexander sobs. Kirk sits down him and tells him it's all right; they haven't given up yet, and there may still be something he can do to help them. Alexander promises to do anything Kirk asks. Kirk wants to know if the Platonians have always been One with the Force, but Alexander tells him they only caught it after they arrived on their present planet. Spock wants to know if Alexander can recall how long the powers took to develop. "How could I forget that? It was exactly six months and fourteen days after we got here that they started pushing me around," Alexander tells him. Spock follows up with a question about how many months' worth of Snack Packs they brought with them, and Alexander tells him they had about three or four months of supplies. "Fascinating, their power developed two to three months after they started eating native foods," Spock comments. Spock then quickly postulates that the Platonians' psychokinetic power comes from eating the native foods, and that Alexander doesn't have the power because his system has been unable to absorb the necessary components. Riding in on the coattails of Spock's intelligence, Kirk suggests that Bones examine Alexander's blood against the sample of Parmen's that Bones still retains in his tricorder. Bones reasons aloud that Parmen's blood must contain the highest concentration of the Kironide midichlorians, and Alexander's the lowest. "And if our theory works out, we've got a weapon," Kirk concludes. "Our" theory? Way to jump aboard the Intelligence Wagon, Captain Clot.

Bones examines the blood comparisons and says, "The one significant difference between Parmen's blood and Alexander's is a concentration of Kironide broken down by a pituitary hormone." Sniffing under his arms for the Eau de Foreshadowing he splashed on in the first few minutes of the episode, Kirk reminds us that Kironide is a high energy source. The Kironide is what gives a Platonian his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds them and penetrates them. It binds their galaxy together. It -- oh, okay, I'll clam up now. Spock explains that the lack of the hormone that made Alexander a dwarf also made his system unable to process the Kironide properly. Then, together, Spock and Kirk overexplain that the reason Parmen keeps Platonius a secret is because any non-little person can come down to the planet and eventually, after eating the local fruits of the forest, be able to make Kirk whinny like a horse as well. Can I Mapquest this place? The Captain's impatient, so he asks Bones for a dose of Kironide large enough to make them all-powerful in a short time. He's just thinking what kind of dances he's going to make Chekov's toupee do back on the ship. Bones starts preparing a cocktail for the men and then pauses, concerned that even if they get wings from the Red Bull, it still might not help them escape. Spock overrides this concern, saying that the Platonians must not be able to make with the sum of all powers or else they would have overthrown Parmen ages ago. Alexander corroborates this theory.

Bones is ready to hypo, and Kirk orders him to give them double the concentration Parmen has. Spock is concerned that it could still take some time for the Jolt to really be of use in their bloodstream. Kirk wonders, "But what of Alexander?" Alexander insists that he doesn't want to be like them in any way, "Just lie around like a big blob of nothing and have things done for me. I want to move around for myself! If I'm going to laugh of cry, I wanna do it for myself!" There's Roddenberry's MO railing against stagnancy of society and culture. I swear, for every time Quantum sticks one to the nonexistent Prime Directive, there's a TOS episode with that stagnancy = bad storyline. Alexander tells the three men that he just wants them to promise to take him with them if they get away, so he can be among people who don't have that power of the sloth. Kirk starts to say, "Alexander," but is interrupted by the beaming down of Nurse Chapel and Uhura. Seemingly unable to speak, they are forced to walk out of the South Wing. Spock raises an eyebrow, and Kirk grits out, "I guess we weren't sufficiently entertaining." Honey, you just said a mouthful.

Uhura, Nurse Chapel, Spock, and Kirk all meet up together, dressed to play Oedipus Rex at the local amphitheater. Spock's green tunic is fastened at both shoulders with gold epaulets, but Kirk's! Well, Kirk's scarlet get-up is only fastened on one shoulder -- for the necessary exposure of half his spongy chest. Uhura and Nurse Chapel explain how they were forced into the ship's transporter room and beamed down against their will. "I thought I was sleepwalking!" Chapel adds. Dreaming, more like it, now that she's able to see Spock's legs. Both women have elaborate hair and eye make-up as well as gowns befitting the time. However, Uhura's is cut to show more dcolletage than Chapel's. They can all hear distant laughter, and Chapel asks what's going on. Kirk ignores her and asks Spock if he feels any effect of the Kironide. "I did experience a slight flush, Captain," Spock tells him. Kirk says he did as well. That's only because they both suddenly noticed Kirk's weird-looking man nipples. Spock and Kirk try to move some fruit -- in a BOWL -- with their minds, but it doesn't work. The Kironide is strong with you, young Spockwalker, but you are not a Jedi yet. There's more laughter and applause from somewhere else. As they all look around, some wall panels slide back to reveal Jabba and his court to the recently decarbonized Han Solo and Fake Bounty Hunter Leia. Wait -- wrong space drama, but still, same effect. The Platonians laugh and jeer until Parmen calls for silence and gives a little speech commemorating their arrival twenty-five hundred years ago. It's a lot of hooey. But at the end he welcomes their "first new member" (no penis jokes, no penis jokes, no penis jokes) and gestures at Bones (what did I just say?!).

Kirk steps forward and says, "Not yet, Parmen. You have to convince the doctor first." Bones grumbles, "They'll never do it, Jim." Parmen chastises Bones for destroying the "festive mood of the ladies," and insists on recapturing it at once. "I know, what would be better than a serenade from the laughing spaceman?" Parmen wonders. Not far from the Laughing Vulcan, you gotta admit. Spock frowns, and Parmen claps his hands. Spock, Uhura, and Chapel are flung to a blue velvet-draped bench amidst the Platonians' guffaws. Alexander strums a few strings on his harp. Spock begins to warble a medieval ditty: "Take care, young ladies and value your wiiine. [Did someone mention 'wine'? Don't mind if I do.] Be watchful of young men in their velvet priiiime. Deeply they'll swallow from your finest kegs. Then swiftly be gone leaving bitter dregs. Ahh-ah-ah-ahh, bitter dregs. With smiiiling words and te-en-der touch. Man offers so little and asks for so much. He loves in the breathless excitement of night. Then leaves with your treasure [Chapel and Uhura look away in virginal shame] in cold morning light." For some reason, I expected to see Olivia Hussey and that Romeo guy doing the praying pilgrim hands behind a column. I think it's the music; it puts me in mind of that "so does a'you" song in the Zeffirelli movie. Small girly admission: I adore that song and that movie. Remember when you see Romeo's tush? Ms. Sexton, my English teacher in ninth grade, fast-forwarded over that scene in class.

Parmen announces that it's time for the "revels." I've always wanted to revel -- it sounds like such a great waste of time. The four crewmembers are pushed into the center of the "stage," and each sticks one hand in the center, sort of like a star, and prepares to do the Hokey Pokey. Some couches rearrange themselves in the background. Remember, if velvet-draped loungers are introduced in the first act, they will be put to use before the curtain falls. Chapel spins off to one couch, pulling Spock with her. Then Uhura does some twirling as well and falls onto the other couch as Kirk is made to follow. Philana already looks like she needs a cold shower. Scuffing around in their gold lace-up sandals, Kirk and Spock are made to change ladies several times until Spock ends with Chapel and Kirk with Uhura. "Oh, how faithless and fickle!" a Platonian drawls affectedly. Chapel is forced (or is she?) to Spock, and she whispers how long she's wanted to be "close" to him, but now that it is being coerced, she just wants to bury her drag-queen made-up face in shame. She pleads with Spock to "make it stop." I don't really think she's fighting that hard against this turn of events. Spock twitches a bit and rasps that he "hasn't the power." With some resistance, Spock and Chapel are forced to kiss. Philana looks more and more in need of that cold shower. "Careful, Mr. Spock, too much love is dangerous," drawls the Affected Platonian from Platonius's TWoP peanut gallery. "Remember -- Cupid's arrow kills Vulcans," snorts another recapper. Laugh it up, fuzzballs. Uhura and Kirk are forced into a firm embrace and Uhura babbles about how calm she always feels in the face of mortal danger when Kirk is on the bridge, but now she is so afraid and can't stop trembling. Kirk strokes her hair and tells her, "That's the way they want you to feel -- it makes them think that they are alive!" Cutaway shot to Philana breathing hard. Well, why not? After all, it's Porn in the Park for them. Spock and Chapel keep kissing as cords stand out on Spock's neck. Overlong scene with Kirk and Uhura until they are finally forced into television's first interracial kiss.