Enterprise S01E27

It seemed fitting that my first Star Trek: The Original Series recap for TWoP be the first TOS Mathra ever chained me to a chair and propped my eyes open with toothpicks to watch all the way through. Remember Geordi in Generations and how his forced and prolonged exposure to unbelievable carnage at the hands of Malcolm "Clockwork Orange" McDowell made him less susceptible to the unbelievable carnage he was to experience in the future? Yeah, well, that was me and my future viewings of more TOS. Not so fitting is that Mathra is at some edge-of-your-seaty Automorphic Forms conference in Park City, Mormonia while I do my first TOS recap. How one self-pities when one is unemployed. Man! Time to shake that maudlinity off in a extra large slosh of Pimm's -- whaddaya say? And while we're drawing the chalk lines for life alterations, try this one on for size: we caught the tail end of Quantum Leap right before "The Way to Eden" on our tape. Suddenly, all the pieces of my life fall into place. But on to the recap!

A ship that looks like those weird triangular football things fifth-grade boys made out of notebook paper and flicked at each other when they thought the teacher wasn't looking, but with nacelles, fakes its way through space with a cardboard Enterprise in tepid pursuit. The familiar-even-though-this-is-the-first-TOS-I've-ever-seen PING PING sound PING-PINGs as Spock, Kirk, and Kirk's extra-long sideburns look at the other ship on the viewscreen. Spock smears on his Green Exposition Eye Shadow and tells his captain that it most definitely is the stolen spacecruiser Aurora with six aboard. Kirk pulls in his gut, pushes off from the rail he was lounging on, and orders hailing frequencies opened. "Aurora, this is the U.S.S. Enterprise, Captain James T. Kirk commanding. Acknowledge," Kirk says. There's no acknowledgement. Kirk repeats his address. Still nothing. Some woman at the comm panel who is not Uhura but has Uhura's thing in her ear reports that the ship is receiving them, and Spock reports no indication of malfunction aboard the ship which would prevent them from responding. Kirk starts to tell the unresponsive ship that he has Federation orders to detain them, when the ship turns up its nose and walks away. Sulu needlessly reports that "they're veering off, sir." Kirk orders pursuit of the Aurora.

Stock shot of Enterprise hanging a right at the corner. Kirk tells Chekov to standby with tractor beams. Chekov looks intense and says that if the ship continues on its course, it will enter Romulan space. Spock pulls a Spock face. Kirk orders Sulu to engage the tractor beam and pull them in. Sulu reports that the Aurora is struggling to escape from the tractor beam. Spock reports that the Aurora's engines are dangerously overheating. Just pour a little water in there and I'm sure they'll make it to the closest hobby shop. Kirk orders the Aurora to cut their engines. But they don't, of course. So Kirk has to order an emergency transportation of those aboard. The Aurora glows red and explodes. There are a few tense minutes of Kirk clenching and sweating several parts of his body, demanding Scotty to tell him whether or not he managed to save the Aurora six, before we can all collectively relax when Scotty reports they're all there. "And a nice lot, too!" Scotty burls as six figures half-dressed in ill-fitting, loudly-patterned, hemp-woven "clothes" all turn to him, tenting their hands together in triangles. As the music crescendos, the camera focuses in on one particularly freakish bald arrival with abnormally big ears that look as though someone in costume had a major tiff with seven pounds of Silly Putty.

What a relief to hear a theme song with snare drums and females "woo-wooing" in the background. Thank god Bermaga realized how ludicrous it would be to have Captain Quantum stilting his way through an opening voice-over in his telegram style of acting. "Spacethe. Final. Frontier. These...Are. The...Voyagesof. The," et cetera. More than likely Bakula refused to do it unless they showed him standing at his Weight Of The Universe Window with his Furrowed Brow Of Important Opening Words firmly spirit-gummed on.

Kirk gives his captain's log a poke to get the Embers Of Exposition going and informs us that "the son of the Catullan Ambassador is one of six we have beamed aboard from the stolen cruiser Aurora. We have been ordered to handle him with extreme delicacy because the treaty negotiations now in progress between the Federation and Catulla are in a crucial phase." The hippie freaks get off the transporter pad and sit down on the steps or lean against the walls, clearly intending to buck all authority. Some of them are even holding instruments. Kirk comms Scotty to escort the fugitives to the briefing room, and the whole of the bridge crew hears a heavily-accented female voice say, "Ve are not in the mood, pervert!" I swear, that's really what I thought she said when I first saw this episode. Hearing himself so addressed, Chekov perks up and says, "Irina?" The hippies all begin talking at once as Kirk okays some orders from an ensign as another voice comes through saying, "Tell Herbert it's no go!" Ah, so it's Herbert, not pervert. I actually think my way made more sense. And then the chanting -- the first of many musical numbers in this particular episode -- begins: "No go! No go! No go!" And this is what it sounds likewhen hippies cry. Kirk demands Scotty tell him what's going on, and Scotty tells him, "They refuse, sir." Kirk wants to know why. "Well, I don't know, sir. They're just sitting on the floor, the lot of them," Scotty informs him over the din of the chants. "You can hear them yourself. Shall I send for security?" Scotty asks. Kirk nixes that, tells him he'll come down himself, and requests Spock's company.

The ridges of his girdle clearly visible under his tight yellow captain's shirt, Kirk steps into the transporter room and asks, "Which one of you is Tongo Rad?" The chanting stops as a guy with lavender hair and lavender Muppet eyebrows steps up to presents himself. Kirk tells Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly that he can thank his father's influence for the fact that none of them have been arrested, and rattles off a list of their cosmic transgressions, to which Lavender Patch responds sarcastically, "I'm bleeding." Kirk ignores both the comment and the purple rhododendron painted on Lavender Patch's bicep, and tells the commune, "In addition, you've caused an interstellar incident which may have destroyed everything that's been negotiated between your planet and the Federation." "You've got a hard lip, Herbert," Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly tells him. Um, what? He's not packing chew if that's what he's trying to say. Beyond that, I really don't want to know. Kirk tells him that if he has an explanation, he's prepared to listen to it. Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly deliberately crosses his arms and sits cross-legged on the floor. Kirk goes to Spock and tells him to conduct the zealots to Sick Bay for a check-up, as there may have been radiation from the explosion. Somehow I think they all looked like that before their ship took too many tanning pills. Spock asks if he can try his hand at addressing the commune. Kirk's caterpillar sideburns give him a sharp look, but allow his request.

Spock steps forward, tents his two hands in a triangle and says, "One." Yul Brenner With Silly Putty Ears and Robert Napier's Chin, sitting behind him with a light blue doohickey painted on its forehead, both look surprised and do the tent-triangle back. "We are One," says Yul Brenner With Silly Putty Ears. "One is the beginning," Spock tells him. "Are you One, Herbert?" Napier's Chin asks. Spock fixes him with A Stern Spock Look and says, "I am not Herbert." "He is not Herbert," Napier's Chin tells Yul Silly-Putty. "We reach." Oh, man, they're going to talk like this the whole episode, aren't they? This is precisely the sort of episode you need to be stoned to watch. On second thought, most TOS episodes fit that description. Spock tells them to state their purpose and objectives so that they might arrive at a mutual understanding. Yul Silly-Putty gets up, displaying a lovely pink and green bougainvillea painted on his bald pate, and says to Spock, "If you understand One, you know our purpose." This is where I notice that Yul Silly-Putty has a sort of badge attached to his amazing Technicolor dreamcoat, which looks like half a hard-boiled egg with wire-rimmed spectacles. Spock says he still prefers to have the Painted Hippies state their manifesto out loud. Yes, so he can decide what flavor Kool-Aid to serve with their cyanide. Yul Silly-Putty gets his groovy on, saying, "We turn our backs on confusion and seek the beginning." Spock asks where they think they're going on their acid trip, and Yul Silly-Putty tells him, "The planet Eden."

Kirk pushes off from his lean against the wall and says that Eden is only a myth. "And we protest against being harassed, pursued, attacked, seized, and transported here against our wishes," Yul Silly-Putty continues, ignoring Kirk but clearly aiming his remarks at him. "Right, brother," Napier's Chin says. Yul Silly-Putty raises his voice and says they don't recognize the Federation, its laws, or any authority other than themselves. Kirk tells him he doesn't care if the Painted Hippies recognize authority or not, but he's the authority on that ship and he has orders to haul their asses back to Starfleet. "From there you'll be ferried to your various planets. Because of my orders, you are not prisoners but my guests. I expect you to behave as such," Kirk says. "Oh, Herbert, you are stiff!" Napier's Chin says, making the rest of the clan giggle. Kirk turns to Spock and says that since he seems to know how to handle this group, he can deal with them. "We respectfully request that you take us to Eden," Yul Silly-Putty says. "And after they're finished in Sick Bay, see to it that they're escorted back to their proper quarters and give them whatever care they need," Kirk tells Spock, as though Yul Silly-Putty hadn't spoken. Yul Silly-Putty raises his voice and makes his respectful request again. Kirk just looks at him, implacable, and tells him he has orders to the contrary. "This is not a passenger ship," Kirk finishes. "Herbert! Herbert! Herbert!" Napier's Chin chants, the rest of the clan joining in. Spock frowns with interest. Kirk leaves, trailing his dignity behind him like smelly yellow clouds of glory.

Bridge. Kirk tells the comm officer to inform Starfleet that they have the six fugitives aboard, but that the spacecraft they filched was destroyed. Kirk adds a personal note to the Catullan ambassador that his son is safe. Chekov tells Kirk that he thinks he knows one of the Painted Hippies, and that her name is Irina Something-Unintelligible-But-Unmistakably-Russian. Chekov adds that he and the Russian chick were at the Academy together. "One of those was in the Academy?" Kirk asks, gesturing. Chekov tells his captain that Irina dropped out, and looks down. Kirk touches Chekov's arm and gives him permission to leave his post if he wishes to see her. Chekov and his comb-forward are pathetically grateful, and they scamper off to make some Russian hippie love.

Spock comes onto the bridge and confirms that the Painted Hippies are in Sick Bay. Kirk follows him to his post and asks if the group really believes Eden exists. Spock clasps his hands behind his back and strikes his Gather Round Children For It's Time To Enlighten The Captain pose. He tells Kirk, "Many myths are based on truth, Captain. And they are not unintelligent. Their leader, Dr. Sevrin, is a man --" Kirk interrupts him to asks, "Dr. Sevrin is their leader?" in tones of the utmost incredulity. Spock confirms this and tells the audience that Dr. Sevrin is a brilliant research engineer in the fields of acoustics, communications, and electronics on Tiburon. Apparently, he was dismissed from his post when he started his Painted Hippie movement. Spock goes on to explain that Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly, the Ambassador's son, inherited his father's "extraordinary abilities in space studies." How do you inherit an ability in space study? Can I do that? Kirk shakes his head and says, "But...they've...rejected all that and all that this technology provides. And they seek the primitive." Spock explains that there are many out there who don't like and actually reject what has been invented: "It is almost a biological rebellion. A profound revulsion against the planned communities, the programming, the sterilized, artfully balanced atmospheres. They hunger for an Eden where spring comes." Wait -- in Star Trek, Earth is environmentally controlled? I don't think I knew that. I withdraw my wish to live in Star Trek times, no matter how much easier it would be to move apartments in the heat, rain, and 105-percent humidity with a transporter. Kirk states that all people seek that, and "the cave is deep in our memory." Wha? Plato's cave? Spock agrees and walks away. Kirk continues his thought, saying that although all people seek that, all people don't steal space cruisers and thumb their noses at the rules and regs of the Federation. God forbid there should be nose-thumbing. Kirk asks what makes Spock so sympathetic toward them. "It is not sympathy so much as curiosity. A wish to understand. They regard themselves as aliens in their own worlds -- a condition with which I am somewhat familiar," Spock says. Kirk nods and rubs his chin. "Spock," he says, looking over his shoulder self-consciously, "what does 'Herbert' mean?" Heh. Spock tells him it's not very nice. "Herbert was a minor official notorious for his rigid and limited patterns of thought," Spock tells him. Kirk frowns and says, "Well, I shall try to be less rigid in my thinking." Spock raises his eyebrow and nods.

Chekov and Irina have a Russian tte--tte with lots of fake accents in which their obvious incompatibility is revealed. He likes to follow rules, she doesn't, and he is disapproving of her lifestyle. This seems to be why they broke up in the first place. As she attempts some slight brainwashing, Irina sports some serious sixties brite-white eyeshadow in this scene. It's like someone took a piece of chalk to her lids. Irina leaves, and Chekov hears the sound of a fracas in the hallway. He joins the other Enterprise officers in fighting back the Painted Hippies mob trying to get in to see Yul Silly-Putty. You'd think they all would have his autograph by now.

Kirk fights through the hullabaloo and learns from Bones that Yul Silly-Putty has a medical condition. And no, it's not trichinosis. Naturally, Yul Silly-Putty refuses to accept Bones's diagnosis. "You don't have the choice," Bones tells him in elevated tones. "They're the product of prejudice, not science," Yul Silly-Putty says. Over more of Yul Silly-Putty's whining, Bones explains that he's a carrier of some disease that could wipe out the entire population of a planet. It's a bug that was bred through the aseptic and sterilized universe they live in, and though they can immunize against it, they haven't totally figured it out yet. Kirk worries about the Enterprise crew. Bones tells him that they all had full immunizations before coming aboard, but a regular course of boosters is required to guard against the disease. The good doctor insists that the other good doctor be placed in isolation. Predictably, Yul Silly-Putty loudly complains that they're infringing on his human rights by inventing a disease he doesn't have and then wrongfully imprisoning him for it. Bones shouts him down, arguing that Yul Silly-Putty knew he was a carrier before he boarded the ship. Kirk ends the discussion by telling two medical-team strong-arms to put Yul Silly-Putty in isolation. They do. Kirk orders a guard on Yul Silly-Putty, and asks how long before they know if the crew has been affected by the disease. Bones tells him twenty-four hours, as it is a virulent strain. Kirk leaves Sick Bay and sees the rest of the Painted Hippies sitting silently on the ground with their hands tented in triangles. How cute -- they're staging a sit-in. In a corner, one of the Painted Hippies is trying to convince Sulu to join them by pushing her half a hard-boiled egg with wire rimmed spectacles at him. Sulu grins at her and asks her how she knows what he wants. "You're young," she tells him. "Think young, brother." Kirk approaches and demands an explanation. Sulu doesn't have one, and gives the hard-boiled egg back. Kirk tells the rest of the Painted Hippies that Yul Silly-Putty will only be released once they've determined that he's medically safe. Napier's Chin jumps up and starts singing in Kirk's face: "Stiff man putting my mind in jail / And the judge bangs the gavel and says no bail / Gonna lick his hand and wa-a-a-a-ag my tail!" One of the Painted Hippie chicks clings to Kirk's hand as Irina stares Chekov down. The Starfleet officers leave amidst a rousing chorus of "Herbert! Herbert! Herbert!"

Bridge. Scotty comms Kirk, "I just had to give one of those bare-footed whaddaya-call-'ems the boot out of here. She came in, bold as brass, and tried to incite my crew to disaffect." Kirk thanks him, and tells Spock that he's the only one they seem to listen to; he requests that Spock make them toe the line. Spock agrees. "Thanks, Mr. Spock. If it weren't for that Ambassador's son, they'd all be in the brig!" Kirk announces. So put the rest of them in the brig and let Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly dilly-dally around the ship to his purple heart's content. Spock leaves as Kirk takes his ponderingcakes and drizzles on some Log Cabin syrup about how intolerable the situation is with the Painted Hippies wreaking havoc everywhere. "If it continues, I'll be forced to use controls which might not agree with Starfleet's suggestion that they be handled with 'extreme tolerance,'" Kirk pours.

Spock talks to Yul Silly-Putty in his isolation tank and is told that the contaminated leader has no influence over his followers. Yeah, and acid doesn't make me see butterflies debating the state of our nation with speckled toadstools in Ojibwa. Spock strokes Yul's ego by telling him the band of Painted Hippies respect him and will listen to his reasoning, and that if he does reason with them, Spock's in a position to help him with the whole search-for-Eden thing. Spock goes on to say that he will present a case to the Federation for allowing the Painted Hippies to colonize the planet with Yul Silly-Putty. "Neither you nor your people are, at present, charged with a crime. However, incitement to disaffection is criminal. The Federation will never allow the colonization of a planet by criminals," Spock tells him. Yeah, we don't want another Australia on our hands. Spock continues with his methods of persuasion by saying that if the Painted Hippies persist in their evangelical activities, they will be charged with a crime and barred from the planet Eden forever. That, and all their annoying pamphlets are starting to bung up the sonic toilets. "As I have been barred?" Yul Silly-Putty asks. "Then you knew you were a carrier," Spock states. "Of course I knew!" Yul Silly-Putty shouts, getting off his meditation table. "You've researched my life. You've read the orders restricting me to travel only in areas of advanced technology because of what my body carries!" Spock doesn't understand why Yul persists in going against those orders. "Because this is poison to me!" Yul shouts, grabbing frenetically at his chest. Spock looks at him quizzically. "This stuff you breathe [and yet, he goes on breathing it -- if he really wants to protest, he should just hold his breath], this stuff you live in. The shields of artificial atmosphere that we have layered about every planet...the programs in those computers run your ship and your lives for you, they bred what my body carries. That's what your science have done to me: you've infected me!" Wow. They really do need a Counselor Cleavage on this ship -- they certainly get enough wack jobs running around. Spock stands in the doorway, still looking at him quizzically. Yul Silly-Putty rants that only the primitives can "cleanse" him, and he "cannot purge" himself until he is "among them." "Only their way of living is right. I must go to them," Yul Silly-Putty tells him. Spock puts on the Raised Eyebrow specially reserved for Silly Hot-Bloods -- one he might as well staple to his noble brow, as he gets a lot of use out of it with Kirk around -- and tells him that his proximity to them will kill the primitives he's looking for. Yul Silly-Putty refuses to acknowledge that, saying he will "be one" with these primitives and build a new world with them. Suppose the "primitives" don't want to build a new world with him? Suppose they like their world the way it is and really don't fancy those over-lobed ears of his? Yul Silly-Putty goes on about building "a world" and "a life," and the fiftieth time he says "a life," I go for more Pimm's while Spock looks at him thoughtfully. Then Yul Silly-Putty says, "So now you're going to try to persuade me that your technologies will find a cure for me and then I'll be free to go." Spock agrees that that was what he was going to do. "And for that reason I should persuade my friends to behave so they too will be allowed," Yul Silly-Putty says. Again, Spock agrees with his assessment of the situation. Yul Silly-Putty looks shifty and tells Spock to send his Painted Hippies in to him and he will talk to them. Spock nods and leaves.

Kirk's log tells us that he asked Bones to check Starfleet Medical Records to verify Spock's hunch that Yul Silly-Putty is certifiably out of his gourd. I'd think that chrysanthemum on his forehead should have been verification enough. I mean, you have all the flowers in God's Great Daisy Chain to pick from, and you select that horrid, overblown, stanky thing? I hate my birthflower. Kirk elucidates, "In spite of Dr. Sevrin's antipathy to us, he has promised Mr. Spock that he will order his disciples to conform to our rules and regulations." Spock sits in his quarters, writing. There's a buzz at his door, and Napier's Chin walks in. "Am I crossing you?" Napier's Chin asks. Spock says, "No." Napier's Chin spies a Vulcan instrument on the wall and asks, "Hey, brother, do you play?" Spock nods. Napier's Chin asks if it's Vulcan and if he can play it, and Spock gives his assent to both. The bobble-haired hippie takes the thing off the wall and strums it. "Ho, ho! That's now! That's reeel now!" Napier crows. Spock listens to Napier's Chin strum a bit more. Napier's Chin says, "I reach that, brother. I really do," and hands the instrument over to Spock, who rests it lovingly against his shoulder and plays a little ditty. Yeah, you know what I reach? I reach for more Pimm's -- this time without the lemonade! Napier's Chin grooves completely out of rhythm to what Spock's playing. When Spock finishes, one of Napier's Chin's eyes bugs disturbingly out as he says, "Hey, how about a session? You and us. It would sound. That's what I came for. I wanted to ask, you know, Great White Captain upstairs, but he don't reach us. But would he shake on a session? I mean, we want to cooperate like you ask so I'm asking." Spock pauses and says, "If I understand you correctly, I believe the answer might be yes." Then can you explain it to the rest of us who haven't drunk antifreeze until our thumbs go weird? Napier's Chin grins, tents his hands at Spock, and tells him he'll tell everyone else. Then he takes his flowing curtains and his thigh-high boots out of Spock's cabin.

Auxiliary Control. Irina pounces on Chekov and dazzles him by calling him "Pavel" and batting her chalk dust at him. She asks him what auxiliary control is for, and learns that the ship can be controlled from there should the bridge become inoperative. She also learns that Chekov's helping Spock locate Eden. I think they had to stand Koenig on a box in this scene, because there is no way Irina is shorter than his five feet. There's a weird cutaway shot of Spock sitting in his quarters, writing. Then it's back to the two crazy Russians, and Irina has gotten close enough to count Chekov's fillings. Finally, with all the lack of tension killing me, they kiss. Chekov's intercom does that old fashioned boatswain's whistle that I always thought was so cool about this show, and Spock's voice tells him he's not receiving the information Chekov is supposedly sending. Chekov peels his lips off Irina and apologizes to Spock, saying he was "momentarily delayed," and starts putting the disks in the cardboard console again. Irina strikes a pose to Chekov as he works, giving him maximum exposure to her midriff.

Quarters of the Painted Hippies. Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly dashes in and tells Napier's Chin, "His name is Sulu, specialist in weapons and navigation. His hobby is botany." "Can?" Napier asks. "Can," Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly affirms. "I reach botany it's my favoritest of studies. What's yours?" "Vulcan," Napier's Chin tells him. "Spock is practically One now." He starts to tent his fingers at Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly, but their commune door slides open and Napier's Chin looks with completely undue anger at the door. It's only Irina. I think somebody's getting paranoid. Irina tells them all she learned from Chekov about Auxiliary Controls and the star charts he and Spock are examining to lead them to Eden. "It starts to chime!" Napier's Chin says. "When will it?" Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly asks. "Soon it's like he said now. We should all go out and try to swing as many as possible over," Napier's Chin tells them. Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly asks if "he" had any ideas how they can "swing" people. Well, there are ads you can place and clubs you can go to where -- oh, not really that kind of "swing." Napier's Chin tells them just to be friendly. "You know how to be friendly," Napier says, channeling Lauren Bacall in To Have and Have Not, exceptnot. All the Painted Hippies nod. Yul Silly-Putty stands in the middle of his isolation room and smiles creepily. I guess we're supposed to think he can hear them because of all his anvils and stirrups.

Some common area on the ship. The jam session starts, with Napier's Chin playing and a blond ponytail singing off-key. Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly joins in on bongos. Lots of random Enterprise crewmembers are drawn in by the music and stand around bobbing their heads. Spock makes his way through the throngs with his instrument. Yul Silly-Putty smiles still more creepily while sitting in the lotus position in his quarters. The song has a lot of "brother" in it. Finally the two other girls get up on a dais behind Napier's Chin and Ponytail and start frugging. As the music permeates the ship over the P.A. system (who sanctioned that?), some redshirt starts jiving on the bridge. The song mercifully ends, and everyone claps except for Spock. Napier's Chin ushers Spock into the center of the jam session; Spock nods and gracefully takes his seat. Ponytail sits to him and picks up a bicycle wheel with off-center spokes. They start to play. Ponytail bobs her head to the music. And then Spock bobs his head to the music. And that's where I turn away in rank embarrassment. What was Spock thinking!? Elsewhere on the ship, the guard stationed at Yul Silly-Putty's room closes his eyes and gets into the groove while Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly ascends an exposed Jeffries tube and sneaks up behind him. He puts his fingertips behind the guard's ears. The guard overacts his unconsciousness and falls to the ground. Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly releases his yogi from isolation.

Bridge. Scotty gives the dancing redshirt a dirty look, which makes the redshirt go back to his station. Sulu beats time with his hand on the navigation console, and Scotty looks disapprovingly at him. "At least we know where they are and what they're doing," Scotty grumbles to Kirk. "I don't know why a young mind has to be an undisciplined one -- they're troublemakers!" Kirk leans over his chair and drawls suggestively, "I used to get into a little trouble when I was that age, Scotty, didn't you?" Scotty just looks at him.

Jam session. Napier's Chin sneaks off unnoticed, as Spock is enthralled by Ponytail's plucking. Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly and Yul Silly-Putty sneak into Auxiliary Control and knock out the redshirt at the controls just by Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly placing his hands on the guy's shoulders. What, does he have the Nyquil touch or something? The music finally ends, and Spock gets up, to smatterings of applause. Sure, they gotta applaud or else they could all get demoted. Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly and Yul Silly-Putty gain control of the ship and change course.

Bridge. Sulu reports that they're going off-course and that he's lost control of the ship. Scotty checks Sulu's console and announces, "It's shorted." They can still blow fuses on starships? Scotty amends his statement and determines that the controls have been channeled to Auxiliary Control. Kirk comms Aux Control, but Sulu makes the brilliant conclusion, "Captain, it seems as though someone else is running this ship." As Spock walks onto the bridge, Yul Silly-Putty's voice comes over the comm system and announces that he's in control of the ship and they are going to Eden, and if they don't like it, he'll pull the ship over and they can get out and walk back to the Federation. Yul Silly-Putty also informs them that he'll end the joyride and give the ship back to Kirk when they reach Eden, but that if he is in any way interfered with, he will blow the ship and everyone on it to kingdom come. Spock and Scotty confirm that he has complete and total control of the ship. Yul Silly-Putty listens to these confirmations with glee. Kirk tells them to "start a trace-back on all circuits. See if you can bypass them." Yul Silly-Putty hears this (naturally, since the comm system is still wide open) and tells them that if they do that, he'll retaliate.

Sulu reports that they're leaving the Neutral Zone and entering Romulan space. Kirk asks if there's any sign of Romulan patrols. Spock crouches over his viewer and answers in the negative. Anyone ever wonder why they didn't get Spock a seat the appropriate height for him to look into the viewer? He stands at such an uncomfortable angle. Maybe Nurse Chapel gives him a special rubdown every night. What? I'm sure she's a fully qualified physical therapist. Kirk tries to reason with the Painted Hippies, telling them that they're endangering the peace of the galaxy and that they are hereby ordered to bring the ship about ("Coming about, ready about, hard to lee!" -- Pa Keckler). Kirk pleads that if they relinquish control and allow themselves to be conducted to Starfleet, no charges will be brought against them. Yul Silly-Putty doesn't care a fig for the peace of the galaxy, and Napier's Chin says, "Like he says, Brother Sevrin." What's like he says, Brother Freakazoid? Kirk tells the Painted Hippies that they will never reach Eden because they will be destroyed by the Romulans. "He's got jelly in the belly -- real scared," Napier's Chin crows. Oh, will you just SPEAK ENGLISH, NOT STONED!? Kirk addresses Napier's Chin as "Adam" -- watch out for that falling anvil, it assumes Biblical proportions! -- and tells him and Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly that they are being led by one who made several passes over the cuckoo's nest, and are also being used by him. In Aux Control, the Painted Hippies all giggle. Kirk asks Spock to tell the crew that their leader is akin to Nurse Sommerville in Snake Pit. Spock tells Adam to look up a file on his head honcho in their computer: "In it you will find a report attesting to the fact that he is a carrier of a bacillus strain known as synthococcus novae." Adam snorts and says, "Ain't that jest awful." Wait a moment -- I think we've stumbled across one of Trip's descendents! Bermaga really do care about series-to-series continuity! Oh, bless you, Bermaga -- bless you! Spock goes on to tell Adam that the same file has a psychological profile of Yul Silly-Putty and gives explicit details about how much paste he liked to eat, when he ate it, and why he preferred it to mucilage. Why the hell do they think telling them about files on a computer is going to change these people's minds? Their brains have been washed by a very special kind of LSDetergent and there's just no turning back. Especially when they abhor computers and all they stand for. On a lighter note, do you think they have to constantly reapply their paint to themselves? If so, I wonder if Yul Silly-Putty gets someone else to paint his dome. Because I really don't think he could get it that purdy-looking otherwise. Kind of reminds me of the guy on Sesame Street who silently went around painting numbers on things, but something always happened to the numbers. Remember? He painted a seven on a stool and some guy sat on it while salting and eating a banana (I always thought salt on a banana was really weird) and got it on his butt. Another time, he painted an eleven in mustard on bread and someone came along and ate it in a sandwich. Well, there was a time when he painted an eight in blue -- I remember this very clearly -- on some guy's bald head when he was sleeping. It was like that guy was obsessed or something.

Anyway. Adam just keeps saying, "Yay, brother" to whatever Spock says. Finally, Spock decides it's again time to make me crawl under the coffee table with the cracker crumbs, saying, "Adam, you know I reach you." Spock goes on that he believes in what the Painted Hippies are looking for, but that what they want and what Dr. Psychopath wants are two vastly different things. Adam just says, "Yer makin' me cry" (what, no freakish little metaphor for that sentiment like "you're drumming with the wail in me"?), and turns off the comm on their end. Spock shrugs. In the Hippie Haven, Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly announces that they've "established Eden." "Pavel said they vould," Irina Russians. Yul Silly-Putty looks way too thrilled for anyone not getting electroshock treatments every Tuesday and Thursday, and asks what their ETA is. Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly tells him that they'll get there in three hours. Yul Silly-Putty ponders, and predicts that the Enterprise crew will try reasoning with them again before attempting to take the ship back by force. Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly asks if they plan on stopping them by cutting off their life support, but he doesn't sound like he's one hundred percent behind that idea. Yul Silly-Putty says he's got an idea, and tells Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly to take over on all the controls while he goes and fiddles in some panel. The things he's fiddling with look like pieces of that game you play with the timer when you try to fit all the various shaped yellow pieces into the shaped holes. Remember? And if you run out of time the thing springboards back at you and scares the living crap out of you. ["Perfection. I always hated that game." -- Sars] At any rate, Yul Silly-Putty explains that he's going to rig it so that a very loud noise will knock everyone unconscious -- save the Painted Hippie enclave -- thereby giving them a chance to escape to Eden. Adam sings the song of the decade: "Headin' out to Eden, yeah, brother. Gonna eat all the fruit and throw away the rind, yeah, brother," and various other verses. It seems to soothe the Painted Hippies a great deal. I can't believe Napier went from this happy hippie role to being a redneck Good Ol' Boy in The Blues Brothers.

Bridge. Spock reports they are within sensor range of Eden. "Whatever they're going to do, they're going to do now," Kirk says, and walks out, calling for Spock and Scotty to follow him.

Aux Control. Adam wonders when Yul Silly-Putty's booby trap is going to come into effect. "At the proper time," Yul Silly-Putty tells him. Irina wants to know, "Vat vill that do to them? Vat is it?" Yul Silly-Putty explains the point and function of the booby trap. "Sound pitch that high doesn't stun -- it destroys. I remember vhen ve read in the text that it --" Irina starts to protest. Yul Silly-Putty says, "I've gone beyond those texts, Irina. It's correct for you to be concerned but be assured also." Irina nods placidly and goes back to work. I definitely think someone repainted his head recently. The daisy he has now looks far too perfect. Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly reports that they are orbiting Eden, and I'm going to report that his eyebrows used to be blue and now they're purple again. Yul Silly-Putty leans over Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly in ecstasy, who says, "It does destroy." Yul Silly-Putty says they can't allow Kirk et al. to come after them, then raises his voice for the rest to hear, telling them that he's rigged the controls so that not only are they protected, but the thing will suspend itself to allow them to escape in a sh'craft and then reactivate itself once they've gone. "Rejoice, brothern [uh, shouldn't it be 'brethren' -- and what about the sistern?]. Soon we shall step together into Eden," Yul Silly-Putty sermonizes. Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly looks down at his controls, not looking all that happy. There's a sizzling noise, and we can see phasers cutting through the door behind them. In the hallway, Scotty's doing the honors. Yul Silly-Putty calmly turns a dial, and Spock grabs his head in pain. Kirk looks around and says, "It's all right, Spock. It stopped." Spock, still wincing mightily, says, "No, Captain, it hasn't stopped." Which is Kirk's signal to tense up and do some writhing of his own. He even adds a stagger or two. And he was worried he wouldn't get a chance to overact in this episode. Kirk and Spock join Scotty on the floor. All over the ship, people collapse. Nurse Chapel does a spectacular fall-down as she face-plants and pulls an examining table after her. Adam keeps singing. It comes over the comm system as we see the bridge crew down for the count. It's a bit disturbing. Yul Silly-Putty says, "Now, we may leave."

Kirk succumbs to another bout of overacting as Spock grunts out that Kirk has to destroy the ultrasonics in the control panel. Kirk staggers to his feet, clasps his hands around his head, and rolls his neck around a few times to simulate agony over how tight his truss is in this scene before staggering off to Auxiliary Control. Kirk turns a dial, and the noises stop. Scotty and Spock get to their feet, snuffling heavily. Kirk tries hailing all the various control rooms but gets no reply. Finally, Sulu comms from the bridge, not really sounding the worse for wear, and expresses confusion over what just happened. Chekov tells him that control of the ship is still in Auxiliary, but Sulu thinks they can break orbit if need be. The Hangar comms Kirk and tells him they are missing a sh'craft. Kirk asks Spock if there are any Romulans prowling about, and Spock answers, "Negative, captain. However, I am picking up the sh'craft." Spock reports that it has landed on the planet and that, other than those aboard the sh'craft, he detects no life-signs, humanoid or animal. Kirk comms Bones and tells him to get his syringes, scalpels, and things and meet him in the transporter room. Chekov wants to know if Kirk wants to open communications with them. "No, no. They tried to destroy us, let them think they succeeded. I want the coordinates zeroed in so that when we beam down, we won't be visible to them," Kirk says. Kirk tells Scotty he has control of the ship and that if any Romulans show up, to try to make them understand. "I do not want to provoke combat," Kirk says, and orders Spock and Chekov to join him in the transporter room. Scotty takes control as Kirk and Spock leave.