Dear Doctor

In the midst of this audio letter, Phlox arrives at Engineering and is called up a catwalk by Trip. Phlox joins him and another crewman, sitting on the ground and looking a little stunned. "He was trying to reroute a nitrogen valve and the seal blew," Trip explains, and we can see that the red-shirt's face is shiny in patches with fresh burns. "How bad is it?" Trip asks. Phlox gets to work, explaining, "Oh, it's superficial. Only first-degree burns. A little dermoline gel should do the trick." He whips out a little jar, rubs a long cotton swab over it (the kind they use on your throat), and dabs at the red-shirt's face. Everyone knows I'm no fan of Trip's, but it was kinda nice that he stayed with First-Degree Burns until Phlox got there, although I did notice something steaming out behind him, and I started to wonder if it was the nitrogen valve, and whether it was a good idea that no one had resealed it after it "blew." Oh, well -- the quality of mercy not being strained and all that. Phlox VOs to Dr. Lucas that most of his work is very routine, with only the occasional emergency.

Phlox has now arrived in the Mess Hall and is looking around at various crew members as he continues audioing, "And you'll be pleased to hear that the crew finally seems to be growing accustomed to an alien doctor on board. I must admit I wasn't planning to stay this long, but the opportunity to observe your species on their first deep space venture has proven irresistible." Reed dashes by, and Phlox tries to get him to have dinner with him. Unfortunately, the writers, being of the mind that they gave him too much face time last week, make Reed run off, not to be seen for virtually the rest of the episode. On the strength of that, I completely understand if you decide to stop reading at this point. Phlox VOs that "it's a bit daunting, at first, trying to socialize with the crew, form friendships, but our profession guarantees that sooner or later, everyone comes to see us. It makes interaction quite a bit easier."

Now we're back in sick bay, and Phlox is examining an upper G.I. scan. "It's just a little gastrointestinal distress," Phlox says, turning to Cpt. Quantum. Wow. I'd have thought that was a shout-out if they hadn't been so set on misdirection comedy. Quantum subsequently turns to the "patient" actually being examined. It's Porthos. Aww! "He hasn't been himself, lately," Quantum says with furrowed brow, as he ruffles Porthos's ears. Gee, must be all that cheese you're not supposed to be giving him. And because Phlox and I are just so making with the synching bio-rhythms, he says, "Well, you've been feeding him cheese, again, haven't you?" Phlox asks. "You've got to learn how to say no, Captain." Quantum tells Porthos, "No more dairy products. You hear that? Doctor's orders." You could stand to slack off a bit yourself, there, Cpt. Boursin. Phlox audios some more about being amazed how humans forge "such intimate bonds with lesser creatures." Hey, you just watch your mouth, there, Phloxy; I've got two felines here who attend MENSA meetings with the best of them. Okay, maybe just Poppadum does; Hunca Munca's really not that bright. "It's surprising what things you humans choose to invest your emotions in," Phlox VOs, as Quantum cradles Porthos and thanks him. Phlox tells the captain that Porthos was one of his "more cooperative" patients that day. "See all the trouble you cause?" Quantum asks Porthos as they walk out together. Hey, buddy? Don't blame the pooch; you're the enabler of this cheese addiction. Phlox audio-muses about the Captain anthropomorphizing Porthos because he talks to him. "Although I'm fairly certain it has no idea what he's saying. Then again, I've been known to speak to my Pyrithian bat on occasion," Phlox sniffs to himself.

Gary Cooper's extremely large face fills a screen as he modulates love to a dewy-cheeked Ingrid Bergman. Phlox and a flock of crewmen sit in a mini-theatre watching For Whom the Bell Tolls. At least, the flock watches the movie, whereas Phlox prefers to observe those around him. As Ingrid whimpers largely, Ensign Scrunchie-Face (tm Omar) passes Phlox some popcorn in a Pyrex baking dish. Much like the one I used to make Tollhouse Squares laced with malt liquor. Scrunchie-Face notices Phlox's inattention to the movie, and tells him they can go if he's bored. Phlox declines, saying he really wants to see what happens. "You won't be disappointed, the ending's classic," Scrunchie says. "Not the film," Phlox informs her. "I'm sensing a rising emotional undercurrent in the room [so, what -- he's part Betazoid, now?]. I want to see if it culminates in some sort of group response." ORGY! ORGY! Sorry, flashback from my college days. Oh, simmer down, Mom and Dad. Scrunchie divines that there are no movies on Denobula, and Phlox responds with, "We had something similar a few hundred years ago, but they lost their appeal when people discovered their real lives were more interesting." I'm glad my life isn't as "interesting" as some of the movies out there today. How shuddersome. Scrunchie comments, "It's nice to take a break from real life every now and then, don't you think?" Phlox shrugs, unconvinced. As Ingrid goes into a full-blown sob-o-rama, Phlox leans forward in his seat to scrutinize the person in front of him. It's Trip, and he's crying. I'd get all "awww" about it if he weren't such a twerp. He notices Phlox noticing him, and pulls the old "something in my eye" excuse. Luckily for him, Phlox doesn't try to hypospray him, but just sits back in order to VO, "It's remarkable, Doctor, even fictional characters seem to elicit human compassion [wow, should he visit my forums and see what sort of 'human compassion' certain fictional characters 'elicit'-- panty bulges, indeed!]. My shipmates have calmly faced any number of dangers and yet a simple movie brings tears to their eyes." The camera pans to show Phlox's shipmates clutching at their throats, dabbing their eyes, and in various other phases of soppiness.

As Scrunchie and Phlox walk along the corridors, Phlox quizzes her on medical jargon. They get to the heart, which Scrunchie describes as "the seat of all joy and sadness." Of course, Phlox, channeling Data -- since this is attempting to mirror "Data's Day," or Data's relationship with that chick in "In Theory"-- explains that "physiologically, the heart is nothing more than a very efficient pump." He asks why humans should think it has any relation to emotion. Scrunchie chastises him, saying that he might know a lot about the "cardiopulmonary system, but [he has] a lot to learn about the human heart." Cue Louis Prima singing Jungle Book's "I Wanna Be Like You," as Phlox shows potential signs of starting down that well-trodden path of aliens/androids/Vulcans who attempt to embrace and emulate human emotional responses in The World Of Trek.

Thankfully, they have reached Scrunchie's quarters, but as Phlox tries to beat a hasty retreat, Scrunchie detains him; she wants to "thank" him for a fun night. Phlox says, "You're welcome," once more trying with the leave-taking. Scrunchie stops him again, saying that Sunset Boulevard is being shown the following week, and she thinks Phlox would like it. Gee, think it's a coinkydink that both Sunset Boulevard and For Whom the Bell Tolls are Paramount movies? Also, if they're trying to class up this show, forget it. Give me The Women and The Philadelphia Story and maybe we'll talk. "I'm sure I will," Phlox says, trying to leave AGAIN, but the ensign clasps his shoulder. Everyone who thinks Scrunchie needs to stop behaving like a particularly rapacious Venus Fly Trap, take a swig of Post Road. [Burp.] Phlox looks at Scrunchie's hand, which she removes quickly, saying, "Sorry, I forgot, Denobulans don't like to be touched." Billingsly does a good job of looking discomfited and attempting to hide it as he says, "It's all right, I'm trying to shed some of my cultural inhibitions." Of course, Scrunchie must take that as an invite, so she kisses him on the cheek before sashaying into her quarters. Phlox walks away and VOs to Doctor Lucas that he thinks Ensign Cutler might have romantic intentions toward him. "I can't be certain, however, the pheromones of human females aren't as potent as Denobulans'." See how he didn't actually say "female Denobulans"? Still hope for the "Queer as Spock" faithfuls, eh, NashVegas?

Outer Space. Enterprise stumbles upon a stray vessel. On the bridge, Quantum asks T'Pol if there are any inhabited planets in the neighborhood, in the neighborhood, in the neigh-bor-hood! Oh, who are the aliens in your neighborhood? They're the freakers that you meet, when you're walking down the street, they're the freakers that you meet -- each -- da-a-ay! T'Pol tells him, "There's a Minshara-class planet less than one light year away." When Hoshi hails and receives no answer, Reed tells all and sundry that the stray vessel is pre-warp. Now, where did I leave that amazingly dusty book called The Count of Prime Directive by Alexandre Dumbass? Ah, it's under this forty-ton cheese anvil. Reed also says that the vessel "could be unmanned," or that it could be a probe. T'Pol isolates two faint bio-signs, so Quantum orders the strange and potentially lethal vessel into a launch bay and alerts sick bay. Too bad they didn't notice that the name of the little ship was S.S. Typhoid Mary. Okay, not really.

Sick bay. Phlox hyposprays a bumpy-faced humanoid to consciousness. Quantum explains to the newbie that they found his ship adrift. The alien mutters a bit in his alienspeake until Hoshi properly calibrates the Universal Translator. Finally, it's all in English. The alien recognizes that Enterprise is warp capable, and tells the humans that he and three other ships left his planet, Valakis, more than a year ago, in order to find a "a more advanced people" who might be able to cure his species of a condition that has already killed off twelve million on his homeworld and from which he currently suffers. Bumpy Face says they figure those with warp drives have better medical plans, superior to the HMOs on Valakis. T'Pol notes aloud that his species has met other warp-capable people before. "The M'klexa and the Ferengi -- they've both visited our world. Do you know them?" Bumpy Face asks. T'Pol answers in the negative. Hmm, wonder where the Ferengi are hiding during Kirk's servitude. And it's odd that their mercenary natures didn't make Bumpy's species pay through the nose for a cure -- even if it was only a fake cure -- or for warp technology. Bumpy asks the Captain if he'll allow Phlox to help them. Quantum takes T'Pol aside -- but not really out of audio range -- and asks her opinion. T'Pol tells him that since Bumpy and friends have already met several -- and actually came looking for -- warp-capable species, the "risk of contamination seems acceptable." Since his opinion agrees with hers, for once, Quantum orders Phlox to get busy with his healing. Phlox looks less than thrilled. He looks downright worried, in fact, and VOs to Dr. Lucas that he's "been presented with a rather unusual case involving a pair of alien astronauts." Phlox continues, "It may not surprise you that they landed in my sick bay through an act of human compassion." I'm confused -- is there possibly supposed to be an overriding theme in all this?

I'm so sick of trying to figure out what the future name for CAT/MRI scans are, so I'm just going to call them SCATs ("stellar CAT scans") because then we can skeep dee dot diddley de bop doo niddy all the time. Or at least I can do that in my head. Anyway, glad we have that settled. Phlox SCATs Bumpy and VOs that he thought he had it bad when he was dealing with fifty patients at a refugee camp, but now he has to deal with over fifty million.

Mess hall. Phlox and Hoshi dine together, and Phlox attempts to teach Hoshi his language. Subtitles have been thoughtfully provided for the viewing audience. Speaking Denobulan, Hoshi asks how Phlox's patients are doing, and the good doctor tells her, "Their condition is grave, but they are resting now." They discuss the food, and Hoshi calls eggplant a "nostril" when trying to explain to Phlox that it's a fruit rather than a vegetable. In English, Hoshi asks Phlox about his relationship with Ensign Scrunch, but he refuses to answer her questions unless she speaks Denobulan. So, in Denobulan, Hoshi asks if Phlox and Scrunch are mating. Oh, but it's funny because she meant to say "dating." Phlox says he isn't sure what Scrunch's intentions are. Hoshi tells Phlox that "there are ways [he] can tell," and asks if Scrunch wants to spend time with him or if she finds reasons to -- here Hoshi struggles to find the word "touch" in Denobulan -- "make physical contact with you," Hoshi finally says, giving up on vocab and reaching over to Phlox's hand to demonstrate her meaning. Phlox looks uncomfortable (but Hoshi doesn't seem to detect it) and tells her that Scrunch kissed him on the cheek the other night. He asks for Hoshi's advice. "I think you make a very cute washboard," Hoshi tells him in Denobulan. "I beg your pardon!" Phlox says. "Couple!" Hoshi says, laughing in English. "Cute couple!" Linda Park was very good in this scene, but gimme jokes about vocab was only funny in seventh-grade French class.

The Canyonlands are the most underrated and undervisited national park in our country, yet they film tons of car commercials there.

Enterprise approaches a planet, and the tension on the bridge is so thick, you could cut it with a Bat'leth. Reed reports a "crowded" atmosphere around the planet. "A lot of spacecraft and artificial satellites," Reed concludes. "Nothing I can't avoid, sir," Mayweather says nonchalantly. Quantum orders a "low orbit" because the planet is expecting them. Phlox VOs that the captain has ordered all the ship's resources put to use in order to help "people [Quantum] didn't even know existed two days ago." And again, Phlox says he's struck by the anvil of how much humans want to help others.

Valakis. Animation of a futuristic city with a monorail, looking not unlike Epcot. In a hospital ward, Phlox and the Valakian medical chief-of-staff discuss the disease. The Enterprise crew learns that the disease becomes more resistant with each aggressive treatment they try, and the rate of infection is one out of every three Valakians. Quantum shows how good he is with pointing out the bleedin' obvious by saying, "It's a full-blown epidemic." Suddenly I notice how short Bakula is compared to Billingsly and the Valakian chief of staff. Come to think of it, all the ST captains, save Sisko, have been shortish. The Valakian doctor gestures at some oxygen tents and says, "These are in the most advanced stage." Phlox and Quantum walk over to examine the patients. "You're treating them with a synthetic antibody?" Phlox asks. The Valakian doctor explains that they were using one at first, but then the disease mutated and attacked the respiratory system. "There's no way of controlling it, pulmonary failure usually occurs within a few days," the Valakian doctor finishes. During this conversation, Quantum paces around the ward with a furrowed brow. This is his "troubled" look, I gather. Phlox hypothesizes, "Captain, treatment with priaxate should ease the symptoms in the sickest patients, at least temporarily. I can easily show the Valakians how to synthesize as much as they need." Quantum gives permission for him to do so, as T'Pol and Hoshi walk up. Phlox asks the Valakian doctor for the case histories and lab work of all the patients, so he can examine every stage of the disease. The Enterprise entourage meanders through the ward, but Hoshi hangs back a bit. She finds Bumpy's oxygen tent and stops an orderly, asking, "Excuse me, we're the ones who brought him here, can you tell us how he's doing?" The orderly speaks in a foreign tongue to her, which isn't translated. Wait, didn't he just say, "You look pretty, Cassandra," in Cantonese? Guess the UT's on the blink again. Hoshi calibrates it and asks the orderly to repeat himself. If she can't understand him, how can he understand her request?

Elsewhere in the ward, T'Pol suggests to Quantum that they appoint security to guard Phlox and his equipment. "I don't think these people are about to steal anything," Quantum retorts. You didn't think the Praying Mantis aliens were that dangerous either, and we saw how far that got a few of your red-shirts. "Your experience with lesser civilizations is limited, Captain," T'Prudent says. "You might be surprised what a temptation our technology can be." While Quantum takes some time to digest this, T'Pol notices Hoshi and the orderly attempting to communicate, and walks over. Finally, the Captain follows and asks Hoshi what's going on. Hoshi explains that the UT can't seem to translate the orderly's language. The Valakian doctor and Phlox walk over, and the Valakian doctor says something to the orderly in his untranslatable language. The orderly bows and scampers off. "He doesn't speak the same language as you?" Hoshi asks. "No, he's Menk!" the Valakian doctor says, as though that explains everything. When his visitors look confused, the Valakian doctor tells them that Menks aren't as evolved as Valakians, "but they're very hard workers." So, they're slaves. Quantum verifies that the Menks are indigenous to the planet. "Is that so strange?" the Valakian doctor asks. Quantum says, "On most of the planets we've encountered, only one species of humanoids survived the evolutionary process." Valakian asks if T'Pol and Quantum aren't from the same planet. Quantum and T'Pol exchange looks. "No," T'Pol answers. "We may look alike, but the similarity ends there." Phlox comments that he doesn't see any Menk patients, and asks where they're being treated. The Valakian doctor says the Menks haven't contracted the disease. Who's the more evolved species now? I think we can see where this storyline is going. Phlox asks the Valakian doctor if he's researched the Menks' reason for immunity. "Oh, it was one of the first things we pursued, but Menk and Valakian are physiologically incompatible," Valakian Doctor says, repressing a shudder. Phlox comments that it could still be significant, and requests all the Valakian's Menk data as well. "Of course," Valakian doctor says, a bit stiffly.

Phlox VOs to Dr. Lucas, "I had meant to transmit this letter by now, but the Valakian epidemic has been taking up most of my time." Phlox hovers over patients, checking their various systems and monitoring their progress. All the patients have iMac oxygen masks over their mouths made of translucent chartreuse. Green's really not a appetizing color to use in hospital equipment or supplies. White, blue, grey, and purple -- fine. Red, yellow, green, and possibly orange? Ick. Phlox VOs, "Working with the physicians here has been quite fulfilling. I suppose it's the reason we joined the Inter-Species Medical Exchange, but I worry about falsely raising their hopes." Phlox shows the Valakian doctors how to use a DiscMan to take readings and then analyze them on a hospital computer. Phlox VOs, "Despite Captain Archer's confidence in me, I'm afraid the scale of the disaster may outweigh our best intentions." Phlox hyposprays a young patient and pats his shoulder. I thought the Denobulans didn't like physical contact? Phlox VOs, "I've decided to enlist crewman [Scrunchie's] help in my task." "So what are the Menks like?" Scrunchie asks Phlox, as he passes her some supplies aboard Enterprise. Phlox tells her she'll have the opportunity to observe them herself. Scrunchie gasps with delight and Phlox continues, saying, "You're a trained exo-biologist. I'd find your assistance in the field invaluable." "Thank you, Doctor," Scrunchie says coyly. Phlox VOs, "On a personal note, the affection Ensign Cutler is showing has left me a bit perplexed, so I've decided to discuss it with the one person on board who might understand the complexities of the situation." No, it's not Trip; Phlox said the person would understand "complexities."