In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close. Hoshi perches on Quantum's desk in a miniskirt and takes dictation from the Captain as he makes notes on how he can be more like the Duke. Reed turns one year older, but you can't really tell because of the fab wrinkle cream he's manufactured using surplus grease from the torpedoes and T'Pol's lips. Phlox will be brought up on charges for breaching doctor-patient confidentiality at the Denobulan medical conference, and Trip breaks up with the girl he left behind. Mayflower? He just fills space. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
So, because UPN happens to suck, I actually missed the first few seconds of this episode. When the monkey at the controls at the netlet finally realized it was 8:03, and they hadn't put the right tape in, Lt. "The Shining Star In The Television Theatre Firmament" Reed was saying something about a vessel dropping out of warp. "Twelve kilometers, dead ahead," Reed finishes. Captain Quantum puts on his "Shiny Happy Aliens Holding Hands" face and tells Hoshi to put the vessel up on the viewer. The vessel in question is a flat, arrowhead-shaped thing with green headlights. Another addition to my growing collection of Enterprise toys. T'Pol confirms that this alien ship is indeed alien to her, and Quantum smirks, "Good!" and tells Hoshi to hail them. "This is the Starship Enterprise, what can we do for you?" He's so hokey, I'm surprised he didn't say, "Now, partners, what can we do you for?" There's no response. Quantum tries again, this time giving his name and the fact that they are on a mission, not from God, but from Earth. Crickets chirp, and a lone owl hoots. Quantum is puzzled by this, but Hoshi confirms that the communication lines are indeed Sprint-like in their free-and-clearness. "Do you need assistance?" Quantum asks. A coyote howls at a cloudless sky. "If you don't want to talk, that's fine, but you dropped in on us," Quantum huffs. Mathra pauses in his brushing of Hunca Munca's teeth to snort, "I'm sure when you're dealing with a race that even the Vulcans don't know about, the universal translator has all kinds of fun with the phrase 'dropped in on.'" The UT must have devised something particularly offensive, because the alien ship turns up its nose, flames green, and flounces off into warp. "Wuz it something I said?" Cpt. Chucklehead simpers. Reed reports that his sensors picked up nothing from the Green Lantern's ship. "No bio-signs, no propulsion or weapon signatures, no readings at all," he says. Quantum puts on his stumped face. It is one that's really beginning to show signs of wear.
It's been a long road -- thought I had escaped this song. It's been a long time, but I'm forced to sing along. And I have seen my fears all revived again, I will run and hide. But it's not going to drag me back to hell, no, it's not going to claim my mind. 'Cause I've got Post of the Road. I'm going where the buzz will take me.
Quantum has assembled the brains of the ship to figure out why they weren't successful in becoming bosom buddies with their little shadow. Well, make that three brains and Mayflower. Quantum asks if there are any inhabited star systems in the neighborhood, but T'Pol gives that a negative. "Why fly right up to us just to give us the silent treatment?" Quantum asks. Maybe they didn't like the way you smelled. Hoshi -- being so incredibly logical in this one scene that she leaps up to right behind Reed on my "crewmembers who are better than Quantum" list -- says, "Maybe they got our signal but it didn't make any sense to them. Our translator's far from perfect." T'Pol tells Quantum not to be so sensitive, since many species might have reasons for their verbal restraint that are beyond the human ken. "Maybe they checked us out and decided we weren't very interesting," Mayflower offers. "Us? Not interesting?" Reed asks wonderingly, and I suddenly became polygamous since I married him on the spot. "Let's calibrate the sub-space processor. At least people back home wanna talk to us," Quantum peeves. The brains and Mayflower disperse back to their stations.
Hoshi and Quantum hold a whisper-conference. Hoshi hisses, "I tracked them down. It took me all week." Quantum asks where "they" are. "Kota Baharu," Hoshi tells him. Quantum pulls a Dubya, which prompts Hoshi to explain, "It's in Malaysia." Quantum asks about the time difference, and Hoshi tells him it's about nine o'clock in the Pee Em. Quantum divines that "they" should still be awake. "Let's break in that new amplifier, I'll be in my Ready Room," he tells her, and leaves. Now, if it had been Kirk, he'd have ordered her: "Let's break in that new mattress, I'll be in my quarters." And if it had been Picard, the line would have been, "Let's break in that new Shakespeare, I'll be on the stage." But if had been Janeway, well, she would have said, "Let's break that Prime Directive, I'll be fiddling with this new species." What? Allow me some fun, okay?
Quantum sits in front of a flat-screen monitor. "Is he all right?" a British woman asks anxiously in the background. Quantum assures her that "he's fine." "Is he in some kind of trouble?" a British man in the foreground asks with pursed lips. "No, sir!" Quantum chuckles, "Malcolm's doing a fine job. I'm sure you know it's his birthday in a couple of days." Malcolm's mother confirms that Malcolm's birthday is September 2nd. "We haven't seen our son on his birthday for quite a few years," Malcolm's father says sourly. What kind of bug got up his tea bag? Mater Reed tells Quantum that Malcolm "called" them from San Francisco to let them know he'd been assigned to the Enterprise, but since then, they have gotten nary a postcard. I suppose it's just a given that they use sub-space radio frequencies from country to country in this day and age. Pater Reed asks what his son's duties are. He puts a peculiar emphasis on "duties." "He's my armory officer," Quantum says, confused that the Mater and Pater didn't already know that. "Well, his grandfather would be pleased. He was an ordnance officer himself," Pater huffty-buffts. Quantum says some nice things, and Mater says that the Reeds have been in the navy for generations. "Until Malcolm decided to join Starfleet," Pater sniffs his Stilton. "I guess the ocean wasn't big enough for him." Quantum tells the Reeds that he'd like to do "something" for Malcolm's birthday, and asks what his favorite food at home was. This confuses the Reeds to no end. Pater states that Malcolm ate what was put in front of him and didn't whinge about it, and Mater says that Malcolm "has never been comfortable making requests." "Are you saying that he doesn't have a favorite food?" Quantum asks. "Not that he's ever told me," Mater chirrups. What is it about British women that they all sound like birds? Quantum is baffled -- again, not a new experience for him -- and requests that if the Reeds happen to think of anything, to let him know. "Give Malcolm our best," Mater says. Quantum assures her he will. "Safe journey, Captain," Pater says stiffly, and ends their face-to-face telephone call. I see that Reed enjoys the same warm and open relationship with his father as Wesley does.
Quantum sits for a moment, contemplating the sticky bun situation he's been put into, and decides the best course of action is to shove it off onto someone else. Entering the bridge, he makes a beeline for Hoshi and orders her to figure out what Malcolm's favorite food is. "Maybe this is more in Chef's area," Hoshi tries to protest. Quantum tells her this is a "delicate" situation in need of her "finesse." Go get your own shampoo, Quantum. What? Oh, fine. Never mind. Hoshi attempts to explain her workload: "Sir, I'm running a diagnostic on our sub-space transceiver array." "Get some help if you need it," Quantum tells her, "but make this a top priority. That's an order." "Yes, sir," Hoshi half-smiles. Don't worry, I'm sure he'll remember you in April on Secretaries Day, Hoshi.
Somewhere on the ship, Quantum, in his civvies, and Porthos fall into step with Trip, and Quantum asks why Trip wasn't at dinner. "I ate in my quarters. Now that we've got the amplifier working, I wanted to answer a few letters," Trip tells him. Quantum tells him he missed T'Pol's "latest bout with chopsticks." "Damn, dinner and a show," Trip cracks, and Quantum laughs, because making fun of another species' attempts at forced assimilation never gets old. Quantum looks at the device Trip's fiddling with. "I thought you were going to upgrade this," the Captain squints. "That is the upgrade," Trip says. Quantum just looks blankly at him. "Well, if you want, I can change the color," Trip says as they walk away. Quantum asks Trip for news from home. Trip blathers a bit about people we don't know and don't care about. The only thing that seems significant is when he tells Quantum that he got a letter from Natalie. "The Natalie? From Pensacola?" Quantum asks. "Yep. Natalie from Pensacola. Looks like we got a charge imbalance in this manifold. I'll get right on it," Trip says. He walks away. Oh, if that's not the action of a person just begging to be asked about his personal life, then I don't know what is. Quantum follows him to some techno-looking thingy: "Trip?" Trip sighs that long-distance relationships never work out. "This is about as long-distance as you can get," he finishes. Oh, wah. Quantum asks if he's okay. "Oh, yeah," Trip shrugs, "I just wish I could've had the chance to say goodbye in person." Let's think of all the reasons why you'd break up with Trip OTHER than the distance. I'm just saying, if you're gonna stick your hands in someone else's pebbles, well, you just have to pay the penalty, don't you? Quantum, Porthos, and Trip continue their walk. Just how does he "pick up" after Porthos, anyway? Quantum asks Trip if he's spent much time with Reed lately, and Trip says he was "swapping out some power relays" in the armory the day before. Quantum asks if they discussed anything interesting. "Power relays," Trip says, obviously not understanding the question. Quantum states he spoke to Reed's parents that morning, tells Porthos to sit, and asks Trip if his parents would know his favorite food. "Are you kidding?" Trip squawks, gettin' his drawl on: "My mother'd give yew her recipe for pan-fried catfish and wouldn't let you go till yew promised not to screw it up." Just because he's from the south doesn't mean his favorite food has to be pecan pie, catfish, or pan-fried anything! I'm from the Midwest and my favorite food is Persian, not steak and potatoes. Quantum tells Trip that Reed's parents didn't know what his favorite food was, and also didn't know he was an armory officer. "That's strange," Trip comments. Quantum says that it made him realize that none of them knows Malcolm very well. How sad for them. He could only enrich their lives. T'Pol coms Quantum and tells him the alien ship is back.
Quantum hightails it to the bridge (what happened to Porthos?) and comments, "Guess we weren't so uninteresting after all." That's right, Quantum, it's all about your human vanity. T'Pol tells him the ship dropped out of warp five hundred kilometers "dead ahead." Mayflower says he had to throw the engines into reverse in order to avoid head-butting them. Quantum attempts to babble at the aliens again. A tumbleweed blows across Hoshi's com panel. "Well, it was nice 'talking' to you," Quantum says in a fit of pique. "Let's do this again sometime." Hoshi reports that she's picking up something, and Quantum asks if it can be translated. Hoshi says she doesn't think it's a language. Suddenly, high-pitched squealing resonates throughout the bridge, and everyone save T'Pol grabs their heads and writhes on the floor in pain. It's really the oldest trick in the Star Trek book. Shatner did The Dance Of Inner-Ear Pain particularly well in "Spock's Brain." As Vulcans aren't usually too affected by this (except when Spock does manage to lose his brain in the aforementioned episode), T'Pol just winces a bit and reports that they are being scanned. Outside the ship, the alien vessel zips over the Enterprise and fires a few shots. On the rocking bridge, Quantum is thrown back into his Porsche chair. "Hull plating?" he asks Reed. "It's offline!" Reed gasps as the bridge rocks from more explosions. Quantum orders, "Hard about," but Mayflower reports that the aliens have warped out. The bridge systems seem to stabilize and Quantum asks if everyone's okay. Reed announces that damage reports are coming in from all over the ship, but no one's been hurt. "What the hell was that all about?" Quantum growls rhetorically. Reed tells him that when the alien ship fired, they dropped their shields for a few seconds and he was able to read bio-signs. "At least fifteen, maybe more," he says. T'Pol reports that their DNA doesn't appear to match any of the species in their database. "It's a good thing they're gone. I don't think our torpedoes could have penetrated their shielding," Reed gripes. Mayflower gives Reed a look that was probably supposed to be one of shock, but it kind of looked like he was wondering just what kind of double meaning Reed was implying there. Quantum leaves the bridge, T'Pol in tow.
Trip scurries to repair various damage. Quantum asks, "How bad is it?" "If that last shot had been a half a meter higher, we'd be looking at stars," Trip tells him as engineers solder the splintered metal. Quantum -- being the hands-on kind of guy he is -- ask the engineers to stop so he can examine the wound. "There were thirteen people working in this section including yers truly," Trip tells him. "If that bulkhead had blown…" he trails off. Quantum looks startled, while T'Pol manages to look pensive. Quantum walks and talks with T'Pol. "Did your people run into as many hostile aliens when they went into deep space?" T'Pol states, almost catching the Spock, "It was a different time." "How so?" Quantum asks. "There were fewer warp-capable species," she tells him. They stop in front of a turbo-lift; Quantum tells her that Enterprise isn't equipped to handle the threats they're coming up against, and it's time they did something about it. T'Pol asks him not to be so oblique. Quantum tells her that the ship was fitted with phase cannon ports. "But since we left space-dock a few weeks ahead of schedule, the cannons were never installed." Stepping inside the turbo-lift behind her, Quantum tells T'Pol, "I think it's time they were. We should head back to Earth."
Engineering. Reed and Trip argue with the captain that they can handle outfitting the ship with its phase cannons. Quantum tells them that the armory on Jupiter is better suited to serving their needs. "If we're going to do this, let's do it right," the captain says. Trip protests, "My engineers are just as good as they are!" Quantum agrees, but says, "But we have other systems that could use overhauls. Look at the bright side; you've got a chance to say goodbye to Natalie." I've never seen how saying goodbye or breaking up "in person" is a bright side, particularly when it's already happened. Quantum turns to leave Engineering. Reed calls him back and asks if they can have his permission to start work on the phase cannons immediately. "It'll cut down the time we have to spend in space-dock," Trip chimes in. Quantum relents and decides to let them have their day, but coms Mayflower on his way out: "We're heading home." Trip and Reed throw themselves into their work. Trip dashes to a com panel, and Reed scampers up a ladder. Enterprise comes full-about and warps off.
Reed and Trip jointly address their teams. Gesturing at a spinning graphic, Reed explains, "This, ladies and gentlemen, is a phase-modulated energy weapon. It's rated for a maximum power output of five hundred gigajoules. Enterprise was designed to carry three of them -- we have one and it's only a prototype." He practically has to hold a drool cup under his mouth during this explanation. Trip takes over and says that they have to get the weapon "up and runnin'" as well as "build two more from scratch." "The captain is taking us back because he thinks this work oughta be done by the boys in space-dock," Trip says. Um, and girls? "Far be it for me to question the Captain's judgment, but Commander Tucker and I believe we can do this ourselves," Reed says. "That means double shifts," Trip explains. "By the time we reach Jupiter Station, I don't want their engineers to have a thang to do but give us a warsh and a wax." Chuckles all around. Trip asks for questions. A red-shirt pipes up and asks if they are going to get attacked again. "We all signed up for this trip [the actual voyage, not the Chief Engineer] because we wanted to do something no one had ever done before, not because we thought it would be easy or safe. But we're not here to take foolish risks. The Captain and the rest of the crew are depending on us to keep Enterprise ready for anything," Trip says, totally and presidentially avoiding the red-shirt's question. "And once we get these phase cannons online we'll have more fire-power to do just that," Reed finishes. Vaguely patriotic music plays in the background as Trip asks, "So what are you standing around for?" The combined armory-engineering team saunters off.
Hoshi talks to Reed's sister, who tells her she thought Reed liked octopus because of the little suction cups. "But I think he was pulling my leg," she amends. "You can never tell if my brother's joking or not," Sis Reed says. "Can I talk to him?" Hoshi apologizes and explains that it's all a big secret. Sis Reed says she remembers when Reed starved himself for a week for some survival course. "Got by on nothing but a little apple juice," Sis Reed laughs. Hoshi asks if she remembers the first thing he wanted when he rejoined the sane and started eating again. Sis Reed says, "He was so weak, he could barely get out of bed. For two days all he had was protein concentrate." Hoshi probes some more, but learns fudge-all about Reed's dining habits. "Malcolm isn't the easiest person to get to know," Sis Reed says, and Hoshi agrees. Hoshi's visual phone call is to Reed's "best friend," who leans awkwardly against his bunk wall throughout the whole conversation and consequently really gets on my nerves. Reed's Best Friend slurs about some restaurant in San Francisco Reed liked to go to when they were in training together. "They had a specialty, some kind of fish, I think." Hoshi asks what kind of fish. Reed's Best Friend Forever pauses. "Halibut? Swordfish?" Hoshi offers. "No…" Reed's BFF muses. "Mahi-mahi? Scallops?" Hoshi rambles desperately. "I had sea bass," Reed's BFF says thoughtfully. "Great! And Malcolm?" Hoshi asks. "I don't remember," Reed's BFF says. "Try! Please," Hoshi urges. "Maureen," Reed's BFF says, finally. "Is that a fish?" Hoshi asks, suspiciously. "No, she was the waitress," Reed's BFF pauses and chuckles, "That's why Malcolm wanted to go there. He had a thing for her!" Reed's BFF turns comically serious all of a sudden: "I think he hates fish." Hoshi thanks him, switches off the link, and puts her head in her hands. Mayflower steps onto the bridge and asks Hoshi how her "secret mission" is going. "I've talked to his sister, his best friend, his Uncle Archie, his two spinster aunts -- the most anyone seems to know about his eating habits is that he occasionally eats," Hoshi groans. Balancing her whippet-thin body on the Captain's chair, T'Pol asks Hoshi why she just doesn't ask Reed what he likes. It would be the only logical conclusion, after all. A phaser-bulb goes off over Hoshi's head, and she darts off.
Mess hall. Hoshi sidles up to Reed with her tray and asks if he would mind if she joined him. Reed, who's totally preoccupied with his cannons, gestures for her to sit before going back to his Indiglo pads. Hoshi sighs dramatically and says, "This is the first chance I've had to eat all day." Not a very healthy habit, that. Reed rubs his eyes and agrees. "I haven't set my foot outside the armory since 0700," he mumbles. "How's your ravioli?" Hoshi asks. Malcolm tells her it's fine, and tries to retreat behind his cannons. "Nothing like a nice plate of pasta," Hoshi comments. Too bad for all the slash-ites on my forums -- Malcolm's not eating manicotti. Hoshi and Malcolm sit in silence. Hoshi takes a few more bites of food, looks around, raises her eyebrows, and tries again, "You know, I used to love to cook but I never get a chance to any more the way that Chef protects the galley." Reed doesn't look up. Hoshi barrels along: "One of these nights I should fix something myself." Still not a twitch from Reed. And I thought the British were so polite. Hoshi clears her throat, and Reed snaps his head up. "I'm sorry," he says, trying to pay attention. "You'd love my enchiladas," Hoshi says. Is that where her delicate-as-a-rhino-giving-a-manicure "finesse" comes in? "Enchiladas?" Reed inquires, feeling as though a lot has gone on in this conversation without his knowledge. "Well, if you don't like them, I can fix something else," Hoshi suggests. "What's your favorite food?" Reed chuckles uncomfortably and says, "Uh, I appreciate the offer but it really isn't necessary." He looks back down at his work, and Hoshi looks as though she's starting to get indigestion. She asks if he doesn't get a little tired of always having to eat what Chef prepares. Reed responds that he thinks Chef is a "fine cook." "Oh, don't get me wrong, he's terrific," Hoshi says. "It's just that dinner in the mess hall can lack a certain personal touch. I've got a hot plate in my quarters," she finishes casually.
Now that got Reed's attention. He sort of does a visual stutter -- not quite a double-take, you understand, just a stutter -- and looks at Hoshi. Hoshi eats her food and gazes complacently at him. Reed chooses his words carefully, saying, "That's very flattering and -- I'm just not sure it would be appropriate." Hoshi doesn't know what he's talking about. "Well, um, we work together and, uh, it just might be a little awkward, serving on the same ship," Reed says. "What does that have to do with --" Hoshi starts to say, and then the scales fall from her eyes. "Oh!" She covers her mouth and muffles a laugh. Reed is still very engrossed in his work. You know, if she was asking him out, the least he could do is give her his full attention when he rejects her. Hoshi scrambles to explain, "No, I didn't mean to imply anything other than making dinner, Lieutenant," putting a bit of the miffy into her voice. And I know she's not miffed that he's turning her down, just that he's such a thickie. Hoshi stands up, and finally Reed acts like a gentleman and jumps to his feet and stammers, "Then it's my mistake, Ensign." Hoshi picks up her tray and says it was her fault. There are a lot of stilted sentences from both of them. It's really quite a realistic scene. For once. Reed tries to tell her to stay and finish her dinner. "No, no, no, no. You've got a lot of work to do, so --" Hoshi says, and leaves. I'll bet she and Mayflower got a good chuckle out of that. I wish they would show a scene like that. With one of the crewmembers actually saying something like, "God, I was so embarrassed when Malcolm thought I was asking him out and then he was so embarrassed that he was wrong -- and it was just too funny!" as she and Mayflower paint each other's toenails.
The alien ship returns. Bridge. T'Pol detects a ship dropping out of warp. "Let me guess -- our shadow?" Quantum says. T'Pol reports how quickly the ship is closing in on them. Quantum orders an ensign to polarize the hull plating. Enterprise sustains a hit, which finally manages to pull Reed away from his work in the Mess Hall. He runs to a window and peers out, but he can't see anything, so he tries to com the bridge. No response. He coms the armory. Again, no response. Reed orders everyone in the Mess Hall to their stations and runs out.
Bridge. Power fluctuates, and T'Pol reports that the warp drive is offline. The lights go out, and T'Pol needlessly confirms, "Main power is down." We can see the alien ship launch a shuttle that looks like a very large cicada. It screams toward Enterprise. "Torpedoes?" Quantum gasps out. "Tactical systems are down," T'Pol tells him calmly. "Why don't you save time and tell me what isn't down?!" Quantum squalls, showing all the signs of coming unpasted. They all grab flashlights, and T'Pol reports, "The outer doors of Launch Bay Two are opening." "Seal them!" Quantum orders. How? With her dinners? I mean, main power is down; otherwise he wouldn't be shining that flashlight at her. "I can't," T'Pol reminds him. Quantum runs away.
The Cicada Shuttle Pod enters the Enterprise by way of the launch bay. Two red-shirts play with conduits and motherboards, but are distracted by pounding feet. They shine their flashlights down a corridor and see two weird shapes go by. So of course they must go and investigate -- are they even carrying weapons? As soon as they get to the end of the corridor, they're jumped by something from below. I know it sounds weird, but the camera was taking the view of the attackers, and it was angled to look up at the red-shirts. There's some muffled grunts and clattering, and then the dropped flashlights go dead.
Quantum, accompanied by a security detail, investigates the corridors. The constant but still random drumbeats in the music make it sound like something is constantly running by. It really gets under your skin, which is a very effective ploy, because as you hear the "running feet" you are peering into the darkness on the ship, straining to see something, anything. Finally, Quantum et al. reach the corridor, where the red-shirt's flashlights have miraculously come back on and are pointing the way to the attacked crewmen. They see two shapes kneeling over the prone red-shirts. Anyone see My Life? Okay, remember when Michael Keaton goes to the healer in order to prolong his life, and the healer uses a form of touch therapy where he doesn't actually touch him? He massages his chakras or something. Well, that's what the aliens are doing to the red-shirts, except I don't think they are trying to cure them of lung cancer. Light emanates from their hands as they do their alien probing stuff. Quantum aims a phase pistol at them and orders them to stop. Man, Kirk would have just fired had he found aliens messing around with attacked crewmembers. The aliens continue their probes until Quantum finally fires at one of them. As the phase array hits the alien, you can see a protective shield surrounding its figure. The alien stands up to its full eight feet, blinks weird eye-like things at them, and lopes slowly away. Actually, since they seem to have eyes like snails -- where the actual eyeball is on the end of a stalk thing, which then curves around to the appropriate place on their "face" -- I guess "blinks" isn't really the correct word. Maybe it's more like they undulate their eyes at Quantum. The other alien follows suit. Nqllisi mentioned on the forums that they walk like Jar Jar Binks, and while that's definitely true, they really remind me of praying mantises on steroids.
Quantum examines the red-shirts and orders the security team after the aliens. He gets Phlox on the horn and tells him to report to E-Deck, Section 7 immediately for a medical emergency. Nothing seems to ruffle Phlox as he answers calmly that he's on his way. Quantum tries to feel for pulses on the red-shirts, and the security team reports back that the aliens have left the ship. For them to have such advanced technology that they have starship-like shielding around their persons, wouldn't you think that the Praying Mantises would have beamed aboard Enterprise rather than fuss about with a shuttlecraft? The Cicada Shuttle lands back on the alien ship -- guided in by way of some awesome runway lights on the mother ship -- and the mother alien ship takes off, firing a few parting shots at Enterprise. Quantum asks the bridge for a report. T'Pol says, "The alien ship has gone to warp, but that last shot damaged our port nacelle. We're venting drive plasma." Quantum throws his communicator down in frustration.
Sick bay. Phlox slides a red-shirt out of the scanning tube (I wonder if they're called CAT scans in the 22nd century?) as Quantum walks in, asking after the two attacked crewmen. Phlox reports that he stabilized them, "but they were subjected to some very invasive scans." "Will they be all right?" Quantum asks, staring down at the blank eyes of one of the red-shirts. Phlox tells him seriously, "There could be some residual neurological damage. I'm doing everything I can." Quantum turns his frustration on T'Pol, demanding to know if she's ever heard of something like this. T'Pol says she hasn't. "Are there any Vulcan records of a species that uses similar tactics?" Quantum asks, but before she has a chance to answer, he says, "And I don't care how classified they might be!" Look, buddy, it's your fault you left space-dock so ill-equipped to handle an attack like this. If you hadn't been so hot to prove what a stellar captain you are and rub it in the Vulcan's faces that they were wrong to withhold warp technology from the humans for so long, you probably wouldn't be in this mess, so don't go around accusing T'Pol of holding back information. It's your bed, lie in your mess. Ew, that came off grosser than I intended. T'Pol states that she doesn't know of any Vulcan records with intelligence on this type of alien. "Find out what you can," Quantum says in more restrained tones.
Trip coms Quantum that they have the plasma leak under control, but since the port nacelle took a lot of damage, it will be a few days before they'll be warpable again. "What about impulse power?" Quantum asks. "Well, that's the good news. It should be back online in a few minutes," Trip tells him. "I'll take all the good news I can get," Quantum gripes and leaves sick bay, ordering Phlox to keep him posted regarding the crewmen's conditions. T'Pol follows the captain out as Phlox beams blue lights into a red-shirt's eyes.
Bridge. T'Pol reports that there aren't any Vulcan ships within scanning range. Mayflower suggests contacting the Vulcan High Command: "They're only two days away at warp six. I'm sure they wouldn't mind giving us a hand." "I'm sure they wouldn't," Quantum says, pressing his lips together. Oh, get off it. You're way out of your league and you need help. Just ask for it, you loser. Quantum paces the bridge and looks at every crewmember in turn. Hoshi reports that she can't "raise Vulcan." Quantum looks at her blankly. "It's funny," Hoshi says, fiddling with buttons. "I ran a diagnostic after the attack, but now Echo Two won't respond." "That's because it isn't there," T'Pol proclaims ominously. "There's nothing but debris at the coordinates where we deployed the amplifier." Quantum asks about Echo One. "Destroyed as well," T'Pol says. Quantum looks to be in need of Maalox.
Engineering. Random Ensign, who earlier asked if they were going to be attacked again, reports to Reed, "The stabilizer on Cannon Port Two checks out okay, sir." "Port Two or Port One?" Reed asks. "Port One, sir, sorry," Random Ensign says. "Get it right!" Reed shouts, and walks away, adding, "And start on those beam emitters." Trip falls into step with Reed and tells him, "Targeting scanners will be online in an hour." "We should be aligning them now, not installing them!" Reed snaps. Dude, who's the superior officer here, again? I mean, you're awesome, Reed, but don't get yourself in trouble. Reed and Trip climb around somewhere in the ship's lower intestine. "You were a little hard on Eddie," Trip says. "Everyone's busting their tails to get this job done." Reed touches something that gives him a vicious shock. He shouts and falls back. Trip grabs him: "You all right?" "Yeah, I'm fine," Reed grunts, sucking his hand. "I told them to depolarize these relays." Trip asks him what he was trying to do. "Bypass the EPS grid," Reed says. "Why?" Trip asks. "Well, we could draw power for these cannons directly from the impulse engines," Reed explains. Trip asks if he's trying to blow the ship to kingdom come. "The relays were rated to handle that power," Reed tells him. Trip asks what happens if there's a surge. "Ah, I've thought of that," Reed says, and points at some lit buttons. "These inverters were designed to cut in at the first sign of an overload." Trip says they have to go "by the book" or else they'll do more damage to themselves than the aliens would. Reed argues that he's run a bunch of simulations and determined that "it's an acceptable risk." Trip pulls rank and tells him he'll decide what's an acceptable risk. "Sir, if we do this by the book, those aliens are likely to be back before we are done," Reed states. Trip gets up in Reed's face and says he wants to get everything done as quickly as possible as well, but not at the risk of getting people killed. Hope both of them have brushed their teeth in the last twenty-four hours. "Yes, sir," Reed grits out. I'm not sure what the intent of this shot was, but pieces of the ship's innards are getting in the way of actually seeing the actors clearly. I think they're trying to be artsy. I think they should stop trying.
Trip's burning the midnight oil as Quantum enters Engineering. "Don't you ever rest?" he asks. Trip says he can't sleep with the warp engine offline. Kind of like how I wake up when the refrigerator stops humming. Okay, it's different, but still sort of the same. "If I don't feel those vibrations, something just doesn't seem right," Trip says. Maybe he should -- ah, too easy. Quantum tells him he hopes he fixes it soon, "because [he] looks like hell." Well, Merry Christmas to you, too. Trip tells him "with all due respect" that he shouldn't be talking. Quantum asks how the warp engine is coming, and Trip tells him they'll definitely be online by the end of the day. Trip asks him for some help in some technobabbling. Quantum helps and says, "At least we'll be flying home under our own power." Trip ignores this and asks the captain to check something else. Quantum explains that he tried contacting the Vulcan High Command, but to no avail. "If it had [worked], we'd be expecting a Surak class ship tomorrow oh-so-politely offering to help us," Quantum says, blatantly not checking what Trip asked him to check. "Well, the Vulcans would have loved that -- towing the pride of Starfleet back to base," Trip comments, once again showing signs of amnesia where Vulcans and emotions are concerned. VULCANS DON'T FEEL -- THEREFORE THEY WOULD NOT HAVE "LOVED" ANYTHING, YOU HALF-WIT HAYSEED! God. Get me a bromide -- and put some gin in it! "Maybe we should thank our visitors for blowing up the sub-space amplifiers," Quantum says. Be sure to thank them when they pulverize you as well, because then you really wouldn't have to ask for Vulcan help. Ever.
Trip gripes some more about having to go back to space-dock, but Quantum assures him that "this time" they won't leave before they're ready. "Are your ears a little pointier than usual?" Trip asks. Are you a little more racist than usual? Quantum gets all defensive and says, "I never said we didn't belong out here. I just wish we'd have launched with all our systems online. Especially weapons." Trip argues that if they hadn't left when they did, Klaang would have died and they wouldn't be relatively small heroes to the Klingon Empire. Martyristically, Quantum sighs and says, "I keep reminding myself of that. But I rushed us out of space-dock, because I had something to prove and I risked the lives of eighty-one humans, a Vulcan, and a Denobulan to do it." Trip tells him not to forget Porthos, which Quantum seems to do, frequently. Trip gives Quantum a pep talk about the first astronauts never worrying about risk when they went to the moon and the fact that every person on that ship thinks their mission du jour is worth a little risk-taking. You know, I wouldn't be so quick to assume that particular opinion is held by the two poor schmos currently stretched out in sick bay with their eyes gathering dust because they were neurologically violated by spaceship-traveling praying mantises. Quantum stops slumping and squares his shoulders as The Trumpets Of Renewed Pride play. "Let me know when we're ready to go to warp," he orders Trip. "Aye, sir," Trip says, wiping away a tear. Well, perhaps not, but there's no real need for either of them to act like such drama queens with each other.
Epiphanies must be catching, because somewhere inside the insides of the ship, Trip recants his rank-pulling and tells Reed they should try his wild and crazy torpedo-linkage idea, telling him, "Based on the recommendation of the Armory Officer, the Chief Engineer finds the level of risk acceptable." Reed is Britishly ecstatic and says, "In that case, if the Chief Engineer wouldn't mind getting his hands dirty, I could use some help."
Quantum dials up a log and pontificates about his crew: "It's been two days now with no sign of the alien vessel. My crew has managed to do in forty-eight hours what would have taken the armory team at Jupiter Station at least a week [yeah, but they're union]. To say that I am proud of them would be an understatement." Quantum finishes his last bite of Exposition Government Cheddar and says that they're doing their first test of the cannon system and everyone has their fingers crossed.
Bridge. "You're sure there's nothing down there?" Quantum asks T'Pol as they view a moon-like planet. "Yes, Captain," T'Pol responds. "Not even a microbe? I don't want to blow something up that could evolve into a sentient species in a couple billion years," Quantum probes, pacing the bridge. He chooses now to have a crisis of conscience where interfering with sentient species is concerned? Too bad he didn't have such a revelation anytime in the eleven episodes. T'Pol assures him again that "there is nothing there." There's some preliminary claptrap back-and-forth about damning the torpedoes (yes, I know they're cannons, not torpedoes) and priming the target. Quantum orders Reed to "start small" and just "shave a couple of meters off the top of that peak." Reed is glowing like a bride. Must have remembered his Prescriptive's Vibrant Moisturizer today. He is in his element as he calibrates, takes aim, and fires. But the explosion is much bigger than they expected. Major sparkage on the bridge. Reed is a bit discombobulated and shouts to his underlings to "shut the cannons." Quantum demands to know what the hell happened. "Something overloaded the phase modules," Reed reports. Trip reports some power outages on a few decks, and T'Pol reads something anomalous in Launch Bay Two.
Launch Bay Two. Trip, T'Pol, Reed, and Quantum investigate the area. Trip finally spies a silver globe thing in the corner of the launch bay. "You think that's what's causing the power surge?" Quantum asks. T'Pol seems to think it's "very likely" as she fiddles with her tri-corder and discovers that it's putting out a fairly substantial amount of energy. "Over six hundred mega-joules," she says, to be precise. "They're toying with us. They want us to know they can destroy us whenever they want. Even with our own weapons," Reed says, showing distinct signs of getting fitted for an out-and-out wig. T'Pol reports, "Whatever it is, it's tapped into most of our systems. Including internal systems and communications on every deck." Quantum swaggers his John Wayne butt up to a control panel and activates a visual sensor. The POV is supposedly from the Praying Mantis ship, but for such a technologically advanced species as the writers are purporting them to be, they have really bad reception -- both audio and visual. I'd suggest springing for DirectTV or at least cable. Quantum delivers his "Osama Dead Or Alive" power speech to the aliens: "I assume you planted that device because you wanted to learn more about us. I'll be happy to give you a quick lesson. We're not here to make enemies, but just because we're not looking for a fight doesn't mean we'll run away from one. You may think you've left us defenseless, but let me tell you something about humans: We don't give up easily. We'll protect Enterprise…" Quantum walks away from the visual and aims at the alien bug. "Any way we can," he finishes, and fires. The alien's screen goes blank, and they cleverly zap us to commercial. Now, if that bug planted by the aliens causes the Enterprise torpedoes to massively malfunction and is also tapped into various other ship systems, isn't it rather foolhardy to fire a phaser at it? I guess when you're looking to make a statement, things like "massive plasma burns" and "skull crushed by falling bulkhead debris" aren't really germane.
Man, remember Tron?
Sick bay. Hoshi pays the good doctor a little visit, hoping he will provide insight into her quest for viable viands for Lt. Reed. Phlox is a bit busy at the moment, so Hoshi picks up a pink vial of Exposition Pepto-Bismol and notes that he "released [his] patients." Phlox affirms this: "They're going to be fine; I sent them back to their quarters to rest." Finally, he asks Hoshi what he can help her with. "You spend a lot of the time in the mess hall [I hope that's not a jibe about his weight]. Have you ever had a meal with Lieutenant Reed?" she asks. Phlox affirms that he's eaten with Reed "many times." "Any idea what his favorite food might be?" Hoshi asks. Phlox is momentarily flummoxed, but recalls that "the man loves a good breakfast." Hoshi asks for specifics. Being that he's British, I'd assume a good fry-up of eggs, fried mushrooms, grilled tomatoes, bangers, streaky bacon, and fried bread, topped off with lashings of hot tea. God, I miss the full-English breakfast. Phlox says, "Eggs. I've seen him eat eggs." Hoshi asks how he likes them. "Oh, scrambled, poached, over-easy," Phlox lists. Hoshi muses that Chef could make a big omelet. "Oh, and he enjoys pancakes, on occasion. He has the odd habit of spreading peanut butter on them," Phlox further recalls. "Uh, sausage, that's a favorite, and bacon too, come to think of it." Well, now he's just babbling. Hoshi asks if he can remember one particular item Reed seems to really like. Phlox cannot. Why don't they just give him a big dinner party with everyone invited? Wouldn't that solve the problem? Who cares about the individual favorite food since Reed doesn't seem to be a picky eater? "Breaking a Vulcan encryption code would be easier than this," Hoshi mutters. And you would know, considering Trip ordered you do it so that he could read T'Pol's love letters. Phlox assures her that he'll let her know if he thinks of anything. "I suppose scanning his taste buds wouldn't help?" Hoshi asks, desperately. Just how would you do that without Reed suspecting that something weird is afoot? "Don't mind me, Lieutenant, I'm just going to probe your mouth." A bit saucy, that. "Medically speaking, there's no accounting for taste," Phlox says. Hee. Hoshi thanks him and starts to leave.
As I mentioned before, epiphanies must be catching, because suddenly Phlox exclaims, "Bromelin!" Sounds like a cocktail I had earlier at the Oak Room. Hoshi pauses: "Sorry?" "I think I can help you, Ensign. But it would mean going into Mr. Reed's medical records -- that information is confidential," Phlox says. Hoshi reminds him that she's under "direct orders from the Captain," and asks him to make an exception. Phlox says that, "under the circumstances, [he] suppose[s] it wouldn't hurt." Hoshi is gleeful. Phlox leads her to a computer database, explaining that he's "made it a point to study each crewman's medical history." "And I remember noticing that Lieutenant Reed suffers from a number of allergies [oh, he was one of those kids]. Let's see, dust mites, oak, pollen, tropical grasses…a-ha, here it is!" Phlox chortles. "He is adverse to various plant enzymes, including bromelin!" Phlox finishes triumphantly. Hoshi asks how this relates to his favorite foods. Phlox explains that Reed has been taking a regular course of injections that allow him to eat stuff containing bromelin. "A plant enzyme, found in…?" Hoshi prompts the doctor. "Among other things, pineapple," Phlox tells her. "Pineapple!" Hoshi exclaims and trots out of sick bay. "This doesn't mean it's his favorite food," Phlox calls after her. "It's close enough -- thanks, Doctor!" Hoshi says.
Bridge. T'Pol reports that that the alien ship has returned like a particularly pernicious case of thrush. Mayflower asks if he should employ "evasive maneuvers." Quantum nixes that and orders the ship to come about, the better to face the Praying Mantises head-on with a chip on Enterprise's shoulder. Quantum alerts the armory: "Guess who's back?" Reed reports that they are aware of the varlets and have their cannons standing at the ready. T'Pol tells Quantum the ship is closing in, and Hoshi reports that they are being hailed. "Put it through," Quantum orders. Archer's own voice and ugly mug confronts them on their viewscreen and tells them, "You are defenseless. Prepare to surrender your vessel. You are defenseless. Prepare to surrender your vessel." Basically, it is supposed to look like the Praying Mantis aliens cobbled that message together from that state of the nation speech Quantum gave to them via their UHF link in Launch Bay Two and put it on a loop. You can even see Reed and T'Pol in their positions in the background. However, in reviewing the speech I find that Quantum only said "you," "are," "to," and "defenseless." He never said "vessel," "your," "surrender," or "prepare." One could argue that the aliens just used that speech as a key to create further words in the human language, but they still attempt to make it look like the visual Quantum is actually mouthing the words.
Quantum is very annoyed that his Gettysburg Address was so distorted, and orders Hoshi to hang up on the aliens. But between you and me, I think he's just afraid he looks ten pounds heavier on alien television. Quantum orders Reed to fire with both cannons. Aren't they supposed to have three, or did they only manage to install one extra? Enterprise fires, but the shots glide greenly and harmlessly off the Praying Mantis ship's shields. T'Pol reports, "I'm reading a fluctuation in their shielding, but it's marginal." "Is that the best we can do, Lieutenant?" Quantum bellows. "Even if these cannons had been installed at Jupiter Station, they wouldn't be any more effective than they are now," Reed reports defensively. Get it? "Defensively"? Okay, so basically, I'm the only one who finds myself amusing. ["Au contraire. I'm still snickering at the 'Exposition Government Cheddar' thing." -- Sars] Quantum wants to know what happened yesterday when they managed to blow something up "the size of Mount McKinley." Reed explains that that was "due to an overload." You can hear the creaking of unused metal as the wheels turn in Quantum's head. "Can you overload them again?" he asks. Reed doesn't think that's a very good idea, considering the damage they caused the last time. "Can you overload them again?!" Quantum asks again. Reed says he can. "I'd rather knock out two decks than surrender to this ship," Quantum churls. Reed starts to protest, but Trip has a brainwave about how to handle the recoil. He technobabbles his explanation about using the recoil energy to maintain the ship's structural integrity. Sure. Why not? Reed gives back a technobabble argument about the ship's exterior not being designed to withstand such force, but Quantum orders them to do it anyway.
The alien ship gets closer and closer. "Malcolm?" Quantum prompts warningly. Reed's sleeves are pushed up and sweat stands out on his noble brow. "Trip?" he asks. Trip nods. "We're ready, sir," Reed says. "Then fire!" Quantum says, rather too impatiently for my taste. Enterprise fires. The green shield on the Praying Mantis ship wobbles, and mini-explosions erupt across its hull. A not-so-mini-explosion erupts somewhere on Enterprise. Hard to tell whether it was on the bridge, in the armory, or in its nightgown, and I rewound several times. Mathra runs through the room with one of my headbands over his eyes, screaming, "Coolant leak! We have a coolant leak!" and rolls under the couch. Quantum gets back in his chair, and T'Pol reports that the alien ship's shields are failing. Quantum orders the torpedoes fired. Reed fires them. Reed gets to do quite a lot of button-pushing in this episode. The shots hit home and the alien ship warps off, trailing green smoke. Quantum looks at peace with the universe and asks the armory if all is well. Trip reports some plasma relay blowouts on B-Deck, "but it's nothing we can't take care of." Hope no one was trying to write their thesis on B-Deck. Trip asks how their "friends" are. "I have a feeling their repairs are going to be a little more extensive," Quantum tells him. Trip and Reed grin at each other. Quantum asks after the health of the cannons, and Reed reports they stood up "fairly well." "I'll have them back online within the hour. The aft cannon should be working by the end of day tomorrow," Reed concludes. Ah, there's that third cannon. "Good work," Quantum says, and then ruins the rest of the scene by John Wayne-ing around. "Well, I see no reason to go back to Jupiter Station now -- do you?" he asks. T'Pol does not. Hoshi says that, as they've retraced their steps this far back, they can position another sub-space amplifier. "Get on it," Quantum orders, and tells Mayflower to "resume [their] course." Yes, the course to mediocrity. Mayflower is visibly relieved: "Gladly, sir!"
Somewhere in the Armory, three glasses of beer clink. "To our mysterious friends," Trip says. "I wish we could've seen the looks on their faces." "Hear, hear," Reed says as he, Trip, and Quantum quaff. I see it's Miller Time. Quantum tells them not to get used to drinking on duty, "but you did your jobs pretty damn well, yesterday. I'd say that deserves a little celebration." "Cheers," the Brit responds. "If you really want to thank us," Trip says, "how about letting us sleep in tomorrow?" They all chuckle. "Permission granted," Quantum says magnanimously. Hoshi walks in with a space case. No, not Mayflower -- an actual container case. But do The Men offer her a beer? Nope. Whatever -- Hoshi probably would prefer a good, thick glass of stout to wimpy, watery domesticated crap. Quantum asks what they can do for her, and Hoshi apologizes for interrupting, but she has "that component" he requested. "Great, put it down right here," Quantum tells her. Trip and Quantum open the case, as Reed remains sitting. "As long as we've got you here, Malcolm --" Quantum says, and pulls out a white-frosted cake with "Happy Birthday Malcolm" written on it in red icing. "You shouldn't have gone to any trouble," Reed says, standing up, but clearly moved. "Oh, no trouble at all," Cpt. Beer-Belly says, somehow managing to take the credit. He hands over an implement and encourages Reed to cut up and serve. Reed cuts a piece and examines it. "Pineapple!" he exclaims, "that's my favorite --" He eyes Hoshi. "How on earth did you know?" he asks, looking at all of them. Quantum shrugs and looks at Hoshi. Bet Reed feels really stupid now for assuming that Hoshi wanted his body. "We have our sources," Hoshi grins. Yeah, personal and private medical records.
week, Quantum goes back to his usual interfering with alien races who appear to be dying, but could just be playing possum. It looks pretty good, because Phlox might have large-ish role and seems to actually be questioning Captain Underpants.