Episode Report Card Keckler: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Here Comes The Bride, Siliconed, Green, And Snide
By Keckler | Season 1 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.06.2001
Enterprise Engineering. Hoshi and Trip confab over a power surge in the transceiver array that Trip can't figure out. Hoshi identifies it as an encrypted transmission from the Vulcan ship to T'Pol's quarters. Trip takes this information on an e-pad to Quantum, who asks if he's certain it was sent to T'Pol. "I wish I wasn't," Trip tells him, "did she say anything to you about it?" Quantum shakes his head angrily, "Not a word." "We had an agreement," Quantum continues, briefing the viewers just tuning in: "She promised not to speak to the Vulcans without telling me." "Looks like she's having some trouble keeping her promises," Trip says. "Shall I have Hoshi decrypt it?" Quantum nods, crammed to the gizzard with suspicions, and hands back the e-pad: "Tell her it's top priority." Oh, whatever, Tones Of Serious Galactic Intrigue. It's probably just a love letter.
I think I must be missing something in life; I never get that happy when washing my face.
Enterprise Bridge. Hoshi tells Quantum that everything's ready. "You sure you want me here for this?" Trip whines. "I've gotta lot of work to do." Quantum waves a hand at him and says, "Stay put, Commander, this is important," while looking solemnly at an e-pad in his hand. Quantum shifts uncomfortably in his chair a few times and says, "Start the recording!" Hoshi pushes a button. "To the students of Ms. Malvin's fourth grade class at the Worley Elementary School in Kenmare, Country Kerry, Ireland," Quantum says. Do you see what they did there? They made us believe we were about to hear the results of T'Pol's encrypted message, but pulled a Comedic Fast One on us by having this be a letter to Trip's nephew's class. It's time to throw out the pickle to Strega, who most certainly would have identified that Comic Fast One right away with her Misdirection-Based-Comedy alarm. However, being out of practice and not realizing this show even warranted the purchase of a Misdirection-Based-Comedy alarm, I did not. "This is Captain Archer aboard the starship Enterprise. On behalf of the entire crew, I'd like to thank you for your transmission. We all got a real kick out of your drawings and letters. You asked a lot of interesting questions. I wish we had time to answer all of them, but if we did that we wouldn't get much exploring done. So I've selected a few and hopefully our answers will give you and idea of what life is like out here." Quantum delivers this long and tiresome speech in an extreme and obviously awkward manner. Normally, I wouldn't think much of it since Bakula usually says his lines that way, but this time, I realize we are supposed to believe that his character is acting awkward because he's ill-at-ease making the recording for the fourth graders. This whole scene was obscenely drawn out and tedious. So tedious, in fact, I couldn't believe such a scene that did nothing to further the current plot was allowed to go as long as it did. Granted, The Exposition Tractor Beam was whipping all over the place, but I really think they could have trickled out the same information over the past seven episodes instead of mashing it all into one scene. I refuse to do anything other than hit the high points.
Quantum answers the "what do you eat?" question, and finally puts to rest the replicated vs. real food question. Enterprise has a "hydroponic greenhouse" on board where they can grow fruits and vegetables, but they also replicate certain food with their "protein re-sequencer." So, in a word, a replicator. Oh, and all the kids have overtly Irish first and last names. Whether or not dating is allowed on board is also fielded by Quantum, stumbling and bumbling over the fact that while fraternization is not discouraged, on such a small ship it would be hard for the lovebirds to be alone. Apparently, most of the crew actually share their quarters with at least one other person. "So, it wouldn't be exactly practical," Quantum stammers. Or palatable. Quantum dorks out even more by saying there are lots of places for the daters to go look at the stars. Oh, barf. Hoshi explains the method behind their Universal Translator system to the kid who wants to know how they talk to aliens. She says that sometimes the translator doesn't work, which means that Hoshi's tongue actually has to do the dirty work. "I'm sure I don't have to tell you how hard that is sometimes. One wrong word can mean the difference between saying 'Take my hand' or 'Take my life.' So far I've managed to do pretty well," Hoshi says. Seven minutes this scene went on. Seven minutes. Though, I have to admit, when the question "When you flush, where does it go?" came up, I mustered enough interest to scream, "Shout-out!" but I realize that others are probably as anally obsessed as my forums seem to be. Quantum gives that question over to Trip, who pauses the recording and says, "A pewp question, sir? Can't I talk about the warp reactor or the transporter?" Quantum tells him, "It's a perfectly valid question." Trip takes awkward lessons from Quantum and tells the fourth grade class in County Kerry, Ireland basically that the "waste" is recycled by a "bio-matter re-sequencer" (pray they don't ever confuse it with the "protein re-sequencer") and made into useful objects they use elsewhere on the ship -- namely, cargo containers, insulation, and boots. I know I'm almost twenty-eight, but -- grody! Phlox fields a question about germs in outer space, and gets so exuberant about his explanation that Quantum cuts him off. Typical -- the only amusing character on this show and Quantum has to silence him. As if he was Mr. Short and Sweet. Upshot is, germs can live and exist in the vacuum of space. Quantum concludes their rendition of Prime Minister's Question Hour by saying, "By the way, we've included some pictures of a comet we're studying. We think it might be the biggest one ever discovered by humans or Vulcans. That's what's so exciting about being on Enterprise, you never know what you're going to find next. We miss Earth, but hearing from you makes us all feel a little closer to home. Captain Archer, out." The transmission ends and Quantum collapses in the chair, a bundle of nerves. "How did it go?" he asks anxiously. Hoshi smiles and Trip puts his head in his hands, convinced that his nephew is going to think he's the Chief Engineer in charge of Pewp. Seven minutes, people!
Vomit Comet. Reed says, walking stiffly in his stellar gold suit, "The beauty of ice is that it records everything like a blank page. The farther down you drill, the farther back in time you go." And the longer you leave the TV on, the longer your stay with Nurse Ratched. He takes readings until Mayweather calls him over to show him his snowman. Seriously -- they built a snowman on the comet, and it's pretty "heh"-worthy. Reed chuckles and asks for Mayweather's plasma torch. Reed uses the torch to melt eyes and a mouth on the snowman, and his final touch is shoving the plasma torch in for a nose. That's gotta hurt. Mayweather and Reed chortle happily. "Archer to Lieutenant Reed," Quantum coms him. They stop chortling. "Go ahead, sir," Reed says. Quantum asks how they're doing, and Reed tells him that they're just about to set the charges. "I'm sure I don't need to remind you we're being observed," Quantum says from the bridge, where we can see that they're all watching Reed and Mayweather on the viewscreen. "No, sir," Reed says. "We want this to go as smoothly as possible, make a good impression," Quantum says sternly. Yeah, like, eating yellow snow might not be such a stellar move in this case. "Riiight," Reed says. I just can't capture how funny his responses are with his British accent. You'll have to trust me, because Reed is so totally my boyfriend on this show. "So tell me," Quantum continues in his deadly serious captainly tone, "who's the sculptor?" Oops, there it goes again -- Strega's Misdirection-Based-Comedy alarm. I guess I'm gonna have to borrow it for this episode until I can get one of my own. What jovial cut-ups these astronauts are. Reed clears his throat and tells Quantum, "It won't be there for long, sir." Quantum signs off. Mayweather and Reed exchange looks and go about their business.