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T'Pol passes a note in third hour and gets caught by the hall monitor. During recess, Reed and Mayweather use their pointers to draw faces in the snow and get suspended. Quantum doesn't share or play well with others and needs to learn how to control his temper. Hoshi and Phlox are teacher's pets, and Trip says "Pewp." Hee. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
I got rather a late start on this episode because I couldn't find my tape. See, the cats have taken to hiding them from me. I'll stumble upon them behind pictures, in the recycling bin, sometimes even in their litter boxes -- I think they're trying to tell me something.
I'd like to thank the network for not making us sit through previouslys, which would only serve to remind me how far we have not come.
Trip is sharing an artistic moment with Phlox in the mess. "Looks like we're going about warp four point five," Trip grins over a crayon drrrawring of the Enterprise and some planets. "Human children have such fertile imaginations," Phlox observes as T'Pol attempts to sidle by. Alas, to her great chagrin, she is immediately called over to view the art exhibition. Trip says he thought the rest of the ship would like to see how excited his nephew's fourth-grade class is about their space mission, and Phlox tells T'Pol he's going to put one of the scrawlings up in sick bay. "Would you like one for your quarters?" he asks. T'Pol urges one of her caterpillars to move up slightly. "This rendering is crude, yet surprisingly accurate," T'Pol observes, which sends me into Seven Of Nine flashbacks. I swear to god, she had the exact same line and delivered it the exact same way in about twelve episodes of Voyager. Trip comments that the children are "pretty talented," and shows her a few pictures so she can decide which one she wants for her bedroom. "This one's nice," he says, "or maybe you want…First Contact?" Trip shows her a drawing of a space octopus reaching one of its tentacles out to touch a terrified human in a spacesuit. Glad Braga's keeping himself busy between takes. "Or, how 'bout this one?" Trip asks, holding up a picture of a green-faced Vulcan with extraordinarily large ears and thick eyebrows. T'Pol silently looks over her burly lips at him. There's a whooshing noise, and T'Pol notes they're coming out of warp as a bright hazy light edges into view of the mess hall windows. The Captain comes on and says, "For those of you who aren't near a window, you might want to find one. There's something pretty amazing off starboard." He says it much in the same way every pilot does when dispensing relatively pointless information: "Passengers, if you'll look out of the right side of the aircraft, you can see the Grand Canyon and if you'll look out of the left side of the aircraft, you can see Lake Michigan even though it's the middle of the night and the cloud cover is so thick you could spread it on a stack of flapjacks." What do you do if you are on the port side of the ship? And if everyone ran to starboard to look, would the ship tip? I want to know. Quantum requests that all senior staff report to the bridge. On the bridge, Mayweather and Quantum observe the streaming comet. "I've checked the Vulcan database, sir, no sightings," Reed tells him. Hoshi points out that the fruits of discovery must go to them. Score. "Archer's comet," Mayweather says, firmly attaching his lips to Quantum's butt. Quantum smiles and smugs up to the viewscreen, asking Mayweather to take them in closer. From the outer-space perspective, the comet is a flattish, almost trapezoidal piece of ice hurtling through the numbing dark, trailing a vapor gasp of the Enterprise crew's last hope to rise above mediocrity.
If faith can move mountains, why can't it shift this song out of hearing range?
The headliners arrive on the bridge to have a confab about the giant ice cube. "Ever seen anything like that in your astronomy books?" Quantum asks Trip. "Wow, that's one big snowbawl," Trip comments. "The diameter's eighty-two point six kilometers," T'Pol says. How does she find bras that size? Oh, the comet. "I always wanted to chase a comet," Quantum says, shifting restlessly about the bridge. "Maybe we should spend a few days following this one." T'Pol says that Vulcan studies of comets have found them to be "little more than rock and ice." Quantum shakes an amused finger in her direction and says that this comet is bigger than any other comet humans have seen, so it's definitely worth sticking around and almost getting killed over.
T'Pol goes to her quarters, clutches at the side of her neck, and powers up her email. She stares at the screen with no expression whatsoever, but the music implies that we are to assume she's acting in a suspicious manner.
In the mess, Trip zips open a glass door and sees a gelatinous piece of pecan pie. Twitching his nose appreciatively, he pulls it out and sticks a glass into a liquid replicator. "Milk. Cold," Trip commands as T'Pol walks into the mess. He gives her the old once-over and comments on her nocturnal habits. "I came for tea," she tells him. "Well, stay away from the Zariphean blend unless you want to stay up for three days," Trip advises. Maybe I should lay in a full supply of Zariphean tea for my Wednesday night vigils. T'Pol directs the Culinary Exposition Beam her way, saying that caffeine has no effect on Vulcans. "Green tea. Hot," T'Pol orders the replicator. Well, they almost got it right. But did you catch the funny? A Vulcan wanting green tea…you know, because their blood is green? How droll. Trip asks T'Pol to join him because he "could use the company," and if that's not reason enough for anyone, I don't know what is. T'Pol tells him she's very tired. "Tell me about it," Trip says. "I put out about a hundred fires in Engineering this afternoon" -- you realize, of course, that in his case, he could be speaking figuratively as well as literally? Because I wouldn't want you to miss a thing, what with this plot being so complicated -- "and missed dinner. And then somebody tole me Chef made a pee-con pie and sudn'ly m'life brahten'd. It's been my fav'rit since I was a keed." Okay, we GET it, Br'er Trip: yer From The South. Now please stuff a cork in all yer clodhoppin' clichés. Trip offers a bit of his pee-con pie to T'Pol, who declines it. "It's delicious," Trip says, encouragingly. "It's mostly sugar," T'Pol tells him. "Vulcans don't have a sweet tooth?" Trip asks. T'Pol just gives one of those weird head twitches she trots out when she forgets her line. "Well, it may not be good for the body, but it shore is good for the soul," Trip says, packing his arteries and mine with Dubya-esque folksy-isms. One of these days, I expect him to say, "Suliban, dead or alive." T'Pol silently sips her tea and reads her electronic pad. "Must be a real page-turner," Trip comments. T'Pol puts down her pad and stares off into, uh, space. "Something wrong?" Trip asks. "I'm fine, Commander," T'Pol says sullenly. "Good night." I'm convinced that her lips inflate anytime she engages in suspicious Vulcan activity. It's her tell. "Sweet dreams," Trip calls after her.
"Eisillium?" Quantum asks T'Pol on the bridge as he, Trip, Mayweather, and Reed look at the tableviewer. T'Pol tells them it's a very rare mineral, and the comet they're following is chock-full of it. "I've never heard of eisillium," Quantum says, which surprises no one. T'Pol says that Vulcan chemists have been attempting to study the mineral, but haven't yet managed to bend their hands around large enough amounts. Quantum asks if they can get samples using the transporter. "Most of the eisillium deposits are at least twenty meters beneath the crust," T'Pol says. Trip informs us, "That's too deep to get a lock." Reed mentions their portable drilling rig as an option. "The comet's certainly big enough to land on," Mayweather says, hopefully. Quantum looks at T'Pol, who says, "I'd advise setting down near one of the two poles. If you're out of direct sunlight the surface ice will be more stable." "How long would you need?" Quantum asks Reed. "Shouldn't take more than three or four hours," Reed says, flushing with excitement. "You up for a little comet walk?" Quantum asks Mayweather and Reed, who exchange happy looks. "By all means," Reed says. That's right, get rid of the best character right away. Don't want to risk him gumming up the plans for another boring plotline. Quantum tells them to "get started."
Enterprise Engineering. Hoshi and Trip confab over a power surge in the transceiver array that Trip can't figure out. Hoshi identifies it as an encrypted transmission from the Vulcan ship to T'Pol's quarters. Trip takes this information on an e-pad to Quantum, who asks if he's certain it was sent to T'Pol. "I wish I wasn't," Trip tells him, "did she say anything to you about it?" Quantum shakes his head angrily, "Not a word." "We had an agreement," Quantum continues, briefing the viewers just tuning in: "She promised not to speak to the Vulcans without telling me." "Looks like she's having some trouble keeping her promises," Trip says. "Shall I have Hoshi decrypt it?" Quantum nods, crammed to the gizzard with suspicions, and hands back the e-pad: "Tell her it's top priority." Oh, whatever, Tones Of Serious Galactic Intrigue. It's probably just a love letter.
I think I must be missing something in life; I never get that happy when washing my face.
Enterprise Bridge. Hoshi tells Quantum that everything's ready. "You sure you want me here for this?" Trip whines. "I've gotta lot of work to do." Quantum waves a hand at him and says, "Stay put, Commander, this is important," while looking solemnly at an e-pad in his hand. Quantum shifts uncomfortably in his chair a few times and says, "Start the recording!" Hoshi pushes a button. "To the students of Ms. Malvin's fourth grade class at the Worley Elementary School in Kenmare, Country Kerry, Ireland," Quantum says. Do you see what they did there? They made us believe we were about to hear the results of T'Pol's encrypted message, but pulled a Comedic Fast One on us by having this be a letter to Trip's nephew's class. It's time to throw out the pickle to Strega, who most certainly would have identified that Comic Fast One right away with her Misdirection-Based-Comedy alarm. However, being out of practice and not realizing this show even warranted the purchase of a Misdirection-Based-Comedy alarm, I did not. "This is Captain Archer aboard the starship Enterprise. On behalf of the entire crew, I'd like to thank you for your transmission. We all got a real kick out of your drawings and letters. You asked a lot of interesting questions. I wish we had time to answer all of them, but if we did that we wouldn't get much exploring done. So I've selected a few and hopefully our answers will give you and idea of what life is like out here." Quantum delivers this long and tiresome speech in an extreme and obviously awkward manner. Normally, I wouldn't think much of it since Bakula usually says his lines that way, but this time, I realize we are supposed to believe that his character is acting awkward because he's ill-at-ease making the recording for the fourth graders. This whole scene was obscenely drawn out and tedious. So tedious, in fact, I couldn't believe such a scene that did nothing to further the current plot was allowed to go as long as it did. Granted, The Exposition Tractor Beam was whipping all over the place, but I really think they could have trickled out the same information over the past seven episodes instead of mashing it all into one scene. I refuse to do anything other than hit the high points.
Quantum answers the "what do you eat?" question, and finally puts to rest the replicated vs. real food question. Enterprise has a "hydroponic greenhouse" on board where they can grow fruits and vegetables, but they also replicate certain food with their "protein re-sequencer." So, in a word, a replicator. Oh, and all the kids have overtly Irish first and last names. Whether or not dating is allowed on board is also fielded by Quantum, stumbling and bumbling over the fact that while fraternization is not discouraged, on such a small ship it would be hard for the lovebirds to be alone. Apparently, most of the crew actually share their quarters with at least one other person. "So, it wouldn't be exactly practical," Quantum stammers. Or palatable. Quantum dorks out even more by saying there are lots of places for the daters to go look at the stars. Oh, barf. Hoshi explains the method behind their Universal Translator system to the kid who wants to know how they talk to aliens. She says that sometimes the translator doesn't work, which means that Hoshi's tongue actually has to do the dirty work. "I'm sure I don't have to tell you how hard that is sometimes. One wrong word can mean the difference between saying 'Take my hand' or 'Take my life.' So far I've managed to do pretty well," Hoshi says. Seven minutes this scene went on. Seven minutes. Though, I have to admit, when the question "When you flush, where does it go?" came up, I mustered enough interest to scream, "Shout-out!" but I realize that others are probably as anally obsessed as my forums seem to be. Quantum gives that question over to Trip, who pauses the recording and says, "A pewp question, sir? Can't I talk about the warp reactor or the transporter?" Quantum tells him, "It's a perfectly valid question." Trip takes awkward lessons from Quantum and tells the fourth grade class in County Kerry, Ireland basically that the "waste" is recycled by a "bio-matter re-sequencer" (pray they don't ever confuse it with the "protein re-sequencer") and made into useful objects they use elsewhere on the ship -- namely, cargo containers, insulation, and boots. I know I'm almost twenty-eight, but -- grody! Phlox fields a question about germs in outer space, and gets so exuberant about his explanation that Quantum cuts him off. Typical -- the only amusing character on this show and Quantum has to silence him. As if he was Mr. Short and Sweet. Upshot is, germs can live and exist in the vacuum of space. Quantum concludes their rendition of Prime Minister's Question Hour by saying, "By the way, we've included some pictures of a comet we're studying. We think it might be the biggest one ever discovered by humans or Vulcans. That's what's so exciting about being on Enterprise, you never know what you're going to find . We miss Earth, but hearing from you makes us all feel a little closer to home. Captain Archer, out." The transmission ends and Quantum collapses in the chair, a bundle of nerves. "How did it go?" he asks anxiously. Hoshi smiles and Trip puts his head in his hands, convinced that his nephew is going to think he's the Chief Engineer in charge of Pewp. Seven minutes, people!
Vomit Comet. Reed says, walking stiffly in his stellar gold suit, "The beauty of ice is that it records everything like a blank page. The farther down you drill, the farther back in time you go." And the longer you leave the TV on, the longer your stay with Nurse Ratched. He takes readings until Mayweather calls him over to show him his snowman. Seriously -- they built a snowman on the comet, and it's pretty "heh"-worthy. Reed chuckles and asks for Mayweather's plasma torch. Reed uses the torch to melt eyes and a mouth on the snowman, and his final touch is shoving the plasma torch in for a nose. That's gotta hurt. Mayweather and Reed chortle happily. "Archer to Lieutenant Reed," Quantum coms him. They stop chortling. "Go ahead, sir," Reed says. Quantum asks how they're doing, and Reed tells him that they're just about to set the charges. "I'm sure I don't need to remind you we're being observed," Quantum says from the bridge, where we can see that they're all watching Reed and Mayweather on the viewscreen. "No, sir," Reed says. "We want this to go as smoothly as possible, make a good impression," Quantum says sternly. Yeah, like, eating yellow snow might not be such a stellar move in this case. "Riiight," Reed says. I just can't capture how funny his responses are with his British accent. You'll have to trust me, because Reed is so totally my boyfriend on this show. "So tell me," Quantum continues in his deadly serious captainly tone, "who's the sculptor?" Oops, there it goes again -- Strega's Misdirection-Based-Comedy alarm. I guess I'm gonna have to borrow it for this episode until I can get one of my own. What jovial cut-ups these astronauts are. Reed clears his throat and tells Quantum, "It won't be there for long, sir." Quantum signs off. Mayweather and Reed exchange looks and go about their business.
Hoshi hands over the decrypted message to Trip: "The code was pretty complex." Trip asks what it says, but Hoshi tells him it's in Vulcan and he'll have to run it through the translator. "You didn't read it?" Trip asks. Not everyone is as all-fired snoopy as you, Tryptography. "I didn't feel it'd be right," Hoshi tells him. Trip thanks her and hightails it to the translator. As the message processes, Trip looks concerned. "Well," Trip says, arriving at Quantum's cabin, "we decrypted the message." "And?" Quantum prompts him. "It's not exactly what we expected," Trip says. I told you, it's a love letter! Did I call this or what? "It's a letter," Trip continues, pretending he didn't hear me. "What did it say?" Quantum asks. "It's personal," Trip says. "What do you mean?" Quantum asks dimly, apparently unable to grasp the meaning of simple adjectives. "Very personal," Trip says. Quantum groans, and Trip says he could order Trip to tell him but he wouldn't be happy once he knew. "Why the hell was it encrypted?" Quantum asks. "That's what I want to know," Trip says, aggravated. "Maybe Vulcans encrypt all their personal letters. All they had to do was send it through regular channels, mark it personal, and we'd have left it alone. But no, they had to encrypt it -- force me to start snooping! I feel like I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar." T'Pol's cookie jar. That sounds vaguely sexual for some reason. Quantum tells him it was an honest mistake. "I gotta tell her," Trip says, rubbing his temples. Quantum asks how that's going to help matters. "It's the right thing to do," Trip says. "At least I'll be able to look her in the eye without feeling guilty." Yes, because this is all about you feeling better, isn't it, Trip? "You're a good man," Quantum sighs. Um, let's not break out the Sanctimonious Wine just yet, at least not until I clean out my 72-ounce wine glass. Quantum suggests he take a phase-pistol with him (because, of course, T'Pol's exhibitions of anger have shown her to be of a particularly violent nature), and Trip says, "I might need one." As far as I'm concerned, Trip should give T'Pol a phase pistol and let her take her best shot at him.
Trip takes T'Pol aside on the bridge and clumsily attempts to tell her what he did. "Did you ever do anything totally by mistake that you weren't very proud of?" he asks. "No," T'Pol tells him. Trip tries again: "Did you ever come across something that you thought was one thing, so you reacted a certain way and it turned out to be something completely different?" "Your point, Commander?" T'Pol asks. Trip tells her he knows about her letter from the Vulcan ship. "It was a personal matter," T'Pol says, and goes back to her work, hoping against hope Trip didn't notice that she signs things "S.W.A.K." Trip asks why it wasn't sent through normal channels, and T'Pol tells him that takes too much time for urgent matters. "So they sent it in code? D'you have any idea how suspicious that looked?" T'Pol looks at him: "You read my letter." Trip tells her he doesn't feel very good about doing it. T'Pol offers him the rest of her letters in her cabin as reading material. Trip sighs in exasperation and says, "I'm trying to apologize here." Funny, I haven't yet heard the words "I'm sorry." Maybe I just missed it -- rewinding, replaying -- nope, they aren't there. Quantum coms T'Pol and asks her to report to his ready room. T'Pol asks Trip if anyone else has read the letters. Trip answers in the negative. "I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention it," T'Pol says before stomping off. Of course, given Blalock's weight, it's more like she tiptoed off.
In Quantum's ready room, the Captain tells T'Pol he wants to throw a party for Vanik the Vulcan. "If he's so interested in how we do things, he might as well see for himself. Once he realizes we're not going to blow up the galaxy, maybe he'll leave us alone." T'Pol tells him she's sure Vanik will appreciate the gesture. "Dinner's a good way to break the ice [and we have episode title], I was hoping you might give Chef some menu suggestions," Quantum says, pacing the room like a caged thing. "Certainly," T'Pol says. "A little food, a little wine --" Quantum says. "Vulcans don't drink wine," T'Pol interrupts, much in the same way Bela Lugosi said it. Uh, they do. They've been brewing it since 2070. I don't know why I know that. "You know what I mean," Quantum tells her. "Just help me make him go away." If memory serves, Jolene prefers white wine, especially when she gets morning radio show phone calls from Boston and needs to be particularly insensible.
I thought I'd let you all know that Keckler beat herself senseless with a bottle of Post Road a few hours ago. I'm just her subconscious filling in.
Sick bay. Phlox scans T'Pol's head and neck and asks how long she's had her symptoms. "Two days ago," T'Pol tells him. "Hmm!" Phlox fusses. "Perhaps you slept in an awkward position." "I haven't slept," T'Pol tells him. "In two days?" Phlox says, incredulous. "Something on your mind?" T'Pol declines to answer. Phlox tells her she has a tension headache: "You know anything between us is strictly confidential. Would you like to talk about what's troubling you?" "No," T'Pol tells him flatly. Phlox says that if there is anyone on the ship she feels comfortable with, it might make her feel better. He zaps her with a hypo-spray in the neck: "This is a simple analgesic. I can give you something later to help you sleep this evening, if you like." T'Pol thanks him and leaves. I know what's causing her headache; her eyeballs are all dried out from all that Vulcan acting. I mean, that cannot be at all comfortable.
Comet Cleanser. Reed takes calculations, and we see the snowman has been altered to make it a snow Vulcan. Hee! "The ears are a nice touch," Mayweather tells him. Reed agrees. Mayweather looks around and says happily, "We should get out more often." Took the words right out of my mouth, buddy. Reed tells him not to get too comfortable, "This landscape is about to change." Reed coms Enterprise that they've set the charges, and Quantum tells him to stand by. "Inform the Vulcans we are about to make a very loud noise," Quantum says to Hoshi. Okay, do you know what the Vulcans are going to do when they read that message? After surgically patching their sides back together, they're going to say, "Great Suurak -- these humans really are idiots!" There is NO NOISE in space. Quantum signals to Reed that he can "blast away." Mayweather and Reed blast. There's a boom and lots of snow. God, we're only halfway through this dreck.
"Where are all the craps tables?" Do you really want me to answer that? Because it involves "your butt" and "up."
Mayflower and Reed examine the crater they made. "Impressive," Mayflower comments. "Eh," Reed says, "I was hoping for a little more symmetry." Hee! I just love the way Reed deadpans his delivery. The two snow sculptors climb down the slippery walls to start taking mineral samples. Gee, I wonder if they're going to get stuck there.
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner on the Enterprise. Quantum attempts small talk, but doesn't get very far with Vanik. Trip comments that he'd love to get a look at the Vulcan ship nacelles, which can go warp six point five. Vanik eyes him and says he can't: "Our warp systems are classified." Uncomfortable silence. Quantum starts again, saying he was a guest aboard Cpt. Tok's Vulcan ship: "Do you know him?" "Not personally," Vanik says. Quantum babbles about going to some dark matter nebula with Cpt. Tok: "I helped set up the graviton telescope. Most fun I ever had on a spacewalk. Those Vulcan EV suits are something else," he turns to Trip, "Like you're flying around in your own little spaceship." Trip laughs. "You're easily amused," Vanik comments. Heh. Quantum and Trip's faces fall. Uncomfortable silence. Here's a topic: the fact that Quantum and Crew are the reason the Andorians now know the Vulcans have been spying on them. Discuss amongst yourselves. That oughta get the pus of conversation oozing. Quantum notices that Vanik's not eating: "Something wrong with your Pok Tar?" he asks. Isn't that a brand of curry paste? "No," Vanik says. Quantum looks at him with eyes like boiled oysters and tells him their chef can prepare something else for him if he's not satisfied with his food. Vanik tells him he's already eaten. Quantum stops chewing. "Hope you've saved room for dessert," Trip says hopefully. Vanik eyes him as he might a piece of melted Vulcan gum on his shoe. T'Pol watches Quantum as he struggles to drink his iced tea without losing his temper. "After dinner," he says tightly, "I thought you might like to take a look around. Enterprise may not be Suurok class, but she's quite a ship." That's the second time -- if they're going for "Surak," father of Vulcan logic, someone should inform the folks over at closed-captioning. "Perhaps another time," Vanik says. "Tea?" Quantum asks. Vanik tells him he only drinks water. "You know," Quantum says, his voice rising alarmingly, "for a people who claim to not be explorers, you sure do get around." Vanik hopes their proximity isn't inconvenient. "On the contrary," Quantum says, "it's nice to know no matter how big the universe [here he dramatically spreads his arms wide], there's always a Vulcan ship nearby." Quantum chews emotionally on a green spear of something.
Trip decides to step in: "So, Captain, tell us about yourself." "Excuse me?" Vanik says, not comprehending. T'Pol explains, "On Earth, it's customary to exchange personal information with someone you've just met." Oddly enough, that's exactly what my British friend said about Americans. "We have this peculiar habit of actually talking during meals," Quantum says. "I've noticed," Vanik says, "Well, what do you want to know?" Trip asks where he was born. Um, my wild guess would be…Vulcan? I mean, it's not like Trip would know about a specific area of the planet if Vanik named it. Trip also wants to know how long he's been a captain and if he has any hobbies. Vanik adopts a long-suffering tone and tells them, "I've served in the Vulcan Space Program for seventy-six years. Fifteen of those commanding the Ti'Mur." And he collects spores, molds, and fungus. And he likes his friends to call him Egon. T'Pol takes the drooping reins of conversation and says she thinks this is Captain Vanik's first visit on an Earth vessel. Quantum rolls his eyes and head and fidgets a bit before saying, "We'd be happy to answer any questions you might have." I've figured out why Scott Bakula looks years younger than when he appeared on Quantum Leap. Filters. It's so obvious. When the camera switches from T'Pol to Quantum, there's a definite difference in sharpness of picture. Bakula's got that same halo effect going on that they used on Angela Lansbury in Murder, She Wrote. It's unfortunate that he's that vain. Vanik says, "I have none. Humans never held much interest for me." I knew there was a reason I liked Vanik. The last vestiges of Quantum's strained smile vanish. Trip looks nervous. Quantum taps his hands on the table, which makes me nervous. "Well," Quantum says, smearing another smile on his face, "where did the time go?" He gets up from his seat, and Vanik watches him with detached interest. "Seems like you just got here. I'm sure you're eager to get back to your ship so I'll trouble you with just one last question: How long are you planning on spying on us?" Vanik raises an eyebrow and says, "If we were 'spying,' Captain, you would've never detected our presence. Your inexperience and your arrogance are your enemies, not us." Amen! Quantum looks stormy and opens the dining room door. "Please show Captain Vanik to the launch bay," he instructs the random crewmember waiting outside. Vanik stares at Quantum's departing back and gets up. He turns to T'Pol and says something severe in Vulcan (it's not translated) before leaving. "What'd he say?" Trip asks. T'Pol doesn't answer, but instead leaves the room. Trip looks around at the empty table and says, "Hmmm."
Quantum arrives on the bridge, and Hoshi shows him something ominous regarding the comet and its rotation.
Bill Haley and the Comets. Mayflower and Reed do some drillin'. Quantum tells them that the comet's rotational axis shifted as a result of their "noise," which means that in two hours they will be facing the star, and the ice will destabilize. "I want you outta there before then," Quantum orders. Reed assures him, "We'll be done with time to spare, sir." "Be sure you are," Quantum says and signs off.
In her quarters, T'Pol does some deep breathing by candlelight. Trip interrupts her. "Decide to tell me what Vanik said?" he asks, twisting his hands nervously. T'Pol gestures at a pillow on the floor: "Please, sit down." Trip looks around: "I've never seen your quarters before. Cozy." He perches on the pillow. "You know you're not supposed to have an open flame on the ship," he says. T'Pol tells him she was given special permission by Quantum to light up whenever she wants. "They're for meditation," she says. Trip nods, "So…what can I do for you?" T'Pol explains that Phlox suggested she talk about her "problem" as a way of releasing tension. "You want to talk to me?" Trip asks, surprised. T'Pol does that head twitch thing that I've finally come to identify as her way of communicating "Duh!" "Well, I -- um," Trip says, obviously uncomfortable. "Not sure I'm going to be of much help, I mean, I've only been in three relationships and they all went bust." Maybe that's because you say things like "went bust." "Are you sure you wouldn't rather talk to Hoshi or Ensign Kimball? She's married," Trip says. T'Pol tells him he wasn't really top dog on her list, but he's the only one who snooped through her mail, so he's the lucky recipient of her girlish Vulcan confidences. "I'll do anything I can," Trip says. "Whatcher problem?"
"You read the letter," T'Pol states. Trip agrees. "Then you know that unless I leave Enterprise immediately, my wedding plans will be cancelled," T'Princess Bride says. Man, can you imagine throwing her a bachelorette party? Somehow I don't think she'd appreciate the novelty pasta, cakes, and water pistols. "Have you talked to --" Trip pauses. "Koss," T'Pol reminds him. "Yeah, have you talked to Koss about all this?" Trip asks. T'Pol tells him they haven't spoken in many moons. "Marriages on Vulcan are arranged during childhood. I've only met Koss four times," T'Pol explains. Um, Haven, anyone? Trip's confused: "How can you be in love with a guy you only met four times?" he asks. T'Pol tells him "it's assumed" they will grow to have an affection for one another in time. "So, his parents send you an ultimatum -- he doesn't have a say?" Trip discloses, for the benefit of those of us who didn't manage a peek at T'Pol's letter. T'Pol tells him Koss's parents arranged the marriage in the first place: "It's their decision." "Boy," Trip says, "where I come from arranged marriages went out with slavery." "Are you going to give me advice or criticize my people's tradition?" T'Pol asks. Trip says he's not quite clear on why they threatened to call it off in the first place. T'Pol explains that the wedding was supposed to take place at Vulcan Presbyterian Church week, but when she opted to stay on Enterprise, she asked for the nuptials to be postponed. "Koss's parents were insulted that I would put off our plans to serve on a human vessel," she finishes. Trip suggests that Vanik take her back: "Why don't you go marry Koss then come back?" T'Pol tells him that it's Vulcan tradition for the couple to live together for at least the first year. "Maybe he can come to Enterprise," Trip offers. "He's an architect. It would be illogical for him for him to live aboard a starship," T'Pol says. I don't know why, but the idea of a Vulcan architect makes me giggle for some reason. It's the little things that amuse me. "This whole thing sounds illogical," Trip says, squinting and shaking her head. "Your advice, Commander," T'Pol says. Trip asks her what she wants to do. "That is irrelevant," T'Pol tells him. "No, it's not, it's very relevant. Do you want to go back and marry this guy, spend a year with him, ten years, a hundred years or do you want to stay on Enterprise?" Trip says, mentally adding "and marry me" to the end of that sentence. T'Pol tells him she has obligations. You know, bridal showers, veil shopping, massive amounts of eyebrow plucking, the works. "You got obligations to yerself," Trip tells her. "You've spent the last year around humans. One thing you should've learned is that we're free to make our own decisions. There's a lot to be said for personal choice." T'Pol tells him that if he'd spent the last year on Vulcan, he would have learned that they honor their traditions. "I respect your customs, but this marriage was arranged when you were a kid -- a lot's happened since then [yeah, like the DeCon chamber], people change." "Vulcans don't," T'Pol says. "Really?" Trip says. "My obligation is to my culture, my heritage -- it has to take precedence," T'Pol says. Trip says it sounds like her mind's already made up, and he doesn't get why she even asked him there in the first place. "It was a mistake," T'Pol grits out, "I apologize," and stands up. Trip gets up to leave and stops at the door, asking, "Did you ever think you might've postponed the wedding because subconsciously you wanted to get out of it?" "That would imply that my subconscious mind controls my decisions. It doesn't," T'Pol says. "Well, it happens to humans all the time, maybe yer pickin' up some of our bad habits," Trip says, and exits the bridal chamber. Wow, all that talking parched my throat considerably. Hello, beer!
Reed and Mayflower pack up to leave, and, as they start to climb the wall, Mayflower slips and breaks his knee. Boy. I'm surprised. I didn't see that coming. No. No. Not at all. Reed helps him to his feet and says, "Let's get you back to the pod, I'll come back for the gear if there's time." Mayflower tells him he should at least grab the core sample: "We shouldn't go back to the ship empty-handed." Reed grabs the sample just as the sun starts to rise somewhere over the comet. Can I ask a question? Why the hell isn't anyone on the ship monitoring their every move if the comet was that close to being exposed to the star? I'll tell you why -- because Captain Inferiority Complex is probably off sulking in some corner because Vanik didn't stand on his head at the idea of seeing Enterprise. The two forgotten explorers hobble slowly to the shuttle pod. "Almost there," Reed tells Mayflower, who says, "It'd be faster without the suits." "Yeah, and a lot deader!" Mathra mutters through his simla potatoes. Reed sort of echoes my thoughts by saying, "And a lot colder." Reed and Mayflower suddenly catch sight of the slippily rising star and get nervous. There's a groaning noise, which didn't come from me, I might add. "What's that?" Mayflower asks. They look down and see the ice cracking under their feet. Reminds me of a Lake Wobegon monologue. Just replace Reed and Mayflower with passed-out teenagers and the shuttle pod with a Winnebago and we'd all be far more entertained.
Mathra's trying to convince me that Carrot Top's a woman.
More hobbling and not quite reaching the shuttle pod. They stop again to watch the ice crack some more under their feet. Brilliant. And these are the people Starfleet trains and allows around expensive and flammable equipment? More shaking and quivering on the comet and still NO WORD from Enterprise. The cracks start to cave in and make huge holes on the comet's surface. It's like the Ice Age all over again. Good times, good times. "I hope I never see snow again," Mayflower says. Do you see the irony there? When they arrived on the planet, Mayflower was excited to see the snow and make the snow-Vulcan, and now he's traumatized by the reality of it all. Do you get it? Because I don't think you do -- I think it needs to be hammered home just ONE MORE TIME! They open the pod door, which to my surprise didn't freeze shut like the Vomit Comet's. They pile into the pod, and Mayflower starts up the thrusters. Uh, big mistake to start blasting large amounts of heat at ice that is already destabilizing, dontcha think? It's kind of a funny scene, because while we're supposed to be watching Mayflower in the foreground being all intense about starting up the pod with all the alarms going off, Reed's in the back kind of throwing himself from side to side of the pod. And then, in a "Terra Nova" déjà vu, the pod crashes through the ice, falls down, and goes boom. Again, no phone call from Enterprise as a sign that they have any friggin' clue what they're doing when they send crewmen to their deaths on a frozen comet. Once the crashing finally stops, Reed checks to make sure Mayflower's all right. "We should've never ignited those thrusters," Mayflower says ruefully. Gee, you think? Then, lo and behold, the com panel notifies them that they've got mail. Quantum finally decided to think of others besides himself and is checking in on them. The pod quakes some more. Podquake! Shut up, already, damn! Everybody jump up and down / Podquake! / In your funky town (podquake) / And the kick drum is the fault / You gotta rock this mother, say (podquake)!
Ahem, yes, well, not everyone loves Prince as much as I do, but a little outlet is always a good thing when dealing with matters such as these. Yes, so the pod is falling some more and Quantum asks them if they're okay. "More or less," Reed responds gruntingly, "how far did we fall?" Quantum tells them about eighteen meters, and they should sit tight because they'll be out in a jiffy. Reed assures him they aren't going anywhere.
Aboard Enterprise, Quantum orders Trip, "Bring the grappler online." Trip's skeptical: "The mouth of that chasm's a little narrow." Quantum tells him he'll get the ship in close enough, and takes control of the helm. We see Enterprise heave into view above the comet. "Do you see them?" Quantum asks. "Bring us in another fifty meters," Trip says. Quantum adjusts things. "Two meters starboard," Trip says. Quantum fiddles with a joystick that looks like the stick shift from my parents' old Pinto. "A little more," Trip says. Hoshi interrupts them: "The Vulcan ship is hailing us." "Take a message; I'm busy," Quantum growls. "Captain Vanik wants to know if we require assistance," Hoshi says. "Tell him we've got everything under control," Quantum's ego commands. I've come to the decision that either he's an ass or he's doing a good job masquerading as one. Hoshi messages that back. About them not wanting to talk, not about Quantum being an ass. I'm sure they already figured that one out for themselves. Trip carefully examines the coordinates and deploys the grappling device. One grappler gets sticky with the pod and the other misses. Trip reports this back to Quantum. "One'll be fine, reel them in," Quantum says.
Reed and Mayflower look around nervously at the sound of a strained cable, well, straining. They brace themselves as the pod shudders. The shuddering stops suddenly. Trip reports that the pod is wedged on an outcropping and orders the ship to move a few meters to port. The pod bounces against the walls of the chasm. "Those eisillium deposits are disrupting the maglock," Trip reports, "I'm losing them." Quantum tells him to "ease them back down." The cable snaps, and the pod slams back down into the depths of the chasm. I don't think that's what Quantum meant by easing them down. Reed and Mayflower groan. "They've fallen another nine meters," T'Pol reports. Quantum tells Trip to try again. T'Pol interrupts him: "Captain, they're moving out of the sunlight. The surface ice is recrystallizing." "In less than an hour that chasm will be sealed up again," Trip says. "Then we'd better hurry," Quantum says. T'Pol stands up and tells him he has another option: "Captain Vanik." "I'd rather leave him out of this," Quantum's ego says, again overtaking Quantum's common sense (if he even had any in the first place, which is doubtful). T'Pol tells him the Vulcans have a tractor beam that won't be affected by the eisillium. Quantum ignores her and tells Trip to reset the grappler. T'Pol approaches Quantum and says, "Vanik offered to assist us, there's no shame in accepting." Didn't she use that same line on the Klingon captain? They copy plots, scenery -- the very least we could hope for is ORIGINAL DIALOGUE within the same show! Quantum's Super Ego gets involved and tells T'Pol that they can take care of it themselves. Trip adds his opinion to T'Pol's, saying, "I don't like him any more than you do, Cap'n. But a tractor beam sounds like a pretty good idea right now." Do you even know what a tractor beam is? "Vanik expects you to refuse his offer. He sees humans as arrogant, prideful. Why not prove him wrong. You can save them or you can let your pride stand in the way. You're human. You're free to choose," T'Pol challenges him. Ah, there's the parallel to what Trip told her. They worked that in so cleverly -- I almost didn't notice the anvil crushing my toe. Quantum's id looks at T'Pol. In the shuttle pod, Reed and Mayflower feel another shudder. "They've got us," Mayflower breathes. The com beeps at them. "Go ahead, Enterprise," Reed says. "This is Captain Vanik of the Vulcan ship Ti'Mur, stand by to ignite your engines and return to your ship," the voice says. We see the pod pulled out of the crevice by a wavering light beam.
Enterprise follows in the wake of the awesome-looking Ti'Mur. On the bridge, Quantum tells Vanik, "I thought you might like to take a look at the data we collected. You helped us bring it back -- it's the least we could do." On the viewscreen, Vanik says, "As your Science Officer told you, we have little interest in comets." "That tractor beam of yers is quite somethin'," Trip says. "Any chance we could take a look at the specifications?" Vanik tells him it's classified. He could tell him, but then he'd have to disrupt him. Trip nods, "I thought it might be." "We leave within the hour. Is there anything else we can help you with?" Vanik asks. "You've done more than enough," Quantum says bitterly, and Hoshi gives him a sidelong look. Oh, get over it already -- they saved your ignorant hide, act gracious! "See you around," Quantum says, making a mental note to send them a Hillshire Farms gift basket for the holidays. Vanik coms off. Trip walks over to T'Pol and comments, "You don't have much time." She looks at him. "I assume yer all packed." T'Pol turns to Quantum: "Captain, with your permission I'd like to transmit a message to the Ti'Mur, to send to Vulcan." Quantum tells her to have at it. She thanks him. Trip smiles at her. T'Pol leaves the bridge. "What was that all about?" Quantum asks. "It's personal," Trip grins. Quantum nods understandingly. Trip continues to grin.
In her cabin, T'Pol has her meditation candles on. She concentrates very hard as the camera pans slowly down to reveal a piece of anvil pie. Or pecan, if you're keeping track.
week, in yet another rip off from TNG, Enterprise goes to a Renaissance Festival. They wear costumes and everything.