In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close. In the not-too-distant future/ Wednesday A.D./ There was a dork named Jon/ So very different from you and me./ He commands the starship Enterprise,/ Just another buffoon in disguise/ He does a hack job being Captain-man,/ But the masses seem to like him/ Tho' I'm really not a fan./ They send him cheesy plotlines,/ The worst they can write (la-la-la)./ He has to strut and chew them all,/ Until our intellects ig-nite (la-la-la)./ Now keep in mind I can't foresee/ If the show will win or fail (la-la-la)/ But no matter what transpires now/ I have my Post Road Ale! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Since it was my birthday this weekend, I told Mathra we'd have to forego the usual lobster, caviar, and foie gras celebration -- we even stuck the champers on ice -- all so I could bring this piping hot recap to y'all.
From the bridge of the starship Enterprise, Captain Quantum -- togged out in his uniform and a USS Enterprise baseball cap -- gives a little salutation to the men and women fighting overseas: "And from the Starship Enterprise to the aircraft carrier Enterprise: welcome home." I think someone's gotta be a little more careful about the line between reality and fantasy. I appreciate and second the sentiment 100%, but he's not a real captain, and as the men and the women of the USS Enterprise have by this time dispersed to be with the family and friends they haven't seen in about a year, I think they've got better things to do than sit in front of the television watching Star Trek dreck. Unlike us. Then again, if it had been Jean-Luc Picard expressing the very same sentiment, I would have been snatching at the Puffs with menthol.
Morning has broken on the starship Enterprise. Not that you can tell in all the pitchy blackness of space. Nevertheless, Captain Quantum "good morrow"s his ranks and asks what new anomalies they've bumped into, or which aliens are in desperate need of certain corruption. T'Pol reports on several fascinating items: a supernova remnant and a cluster of three neutron stars. "Very unusual," T'Pol says about the last one. Trip falls all over himself to blurt out his opposing opinion: "How about that? Three stone-cold stars -- pretty exciting, huh?" Look, Tryptophan, just last week a flying chunk of ice was exciting enough for Captain Quantum and the rest of you to risk TweedleReed and Tweedledum's necks over, but now you think you can sneer at any old Kevin Spacey thing? Just stuff it. Geddit? "Stuff it" and "Tryptophan"? A little pre-Thanksgiving humor for...okay, never mind. Quantum asks whether there's anything else to report. Trip exchanges a knowing look with Mayflower and says, "Well, there is one other thing [sic] might be worth swinging by to take a look. A Minshara-class planet about four and a half light years away." Captain Quantum happily looks at the blue and green graphic pulled up on the screen and asks whether they've detected any life forms. "Only about five hundred million," Trip tells him, yukking himself up. Trip goes on to say that if they can trust their readings, "there's a whole civilization down there!" Mayflower gets beside himself and snorts with excitement. Simmer down, mister; you had far too much screen time last week for them to sign your civilization-hopping permission slip this episode. Everyone else (except T'Pol, of course) giggles at the fast one they pulled on the captain -- making him believe they had nothing really interesting to report. Those rogues.
Faith. Hearts. Pierced eardrum is my anti-drug. Need to mop up blood.
Enterprise spies on the planet. Reed reports no sign of satellites or other spaceships. Quantum asks whether they should try hailing them. "Who?" Hoshi asks. "I'm picking up dozens of cities on each continent." Quantum mulls this and suggests holding off on dialing down the center, since they have no idea how their communication systems operate. T'Pol opines that the civilization might be far more primitive than Enterprise's realm, and says, "I'm not detecting any EM transmissions." "Pre-Industrial?" Trip supplies for the rest of us. Quantum tells Hoshi to take their Rear Window antics in closer, and she zeroes in on a ship in the water. "It looks like an old clipper ship!" Trip chortles. Quantum says, "Yeah, it's almost like traveling back in time." "I cannot wait to get down there," Trip drawls. Quantum turns to grin at him. Hold your horses, there, Tom McPeeping; shouldn't some protocol be discussed before you go rampaging into their society, arse over earlobes? T'Pol has the same thought, and tells them she'd "advise against" letting their thick and red necks run off with their brains. "It's standard protocol to wait until a society develops warp drive before initiating first contact," she says. "Those are Vulcan protocols, not human," Trip tells her. Somehow I think the Prime Directive will be invented specifically because of all the mondo screw-ups under Capt. Quantum's command. T'Pol suggests that Starfleet should think about adopting the Vulcan way as their own. "There's no way to know how our arrival would affect the evolution of their society," T'Pol finishes. Talk about fanning the flames of controversy -- half the time I think Trip and Quantum do and say the polar opposite of T'Pol simply because they never want to agree with her bad Vulcan self. On second thought, none of this "half the time" crap -- it's more like every day and thrice on Wednesday. Trip asks what she suggests they do with their discovery of this civilization, and T'Pol's answer is pretty predictable: she tells him their scanners could pick up lots of important information from a safe and respectful distance. (I added the "safe and respectful" part.) Quantum rolls his eyes at T'Pol's advice and asks Hoshi whether they can violate this poor race even more by getting a look at how clean their pores are. Hoshi zooms in on a male and female talking on the street. She freeze-frames the woman's face just as she happens to tip her head up a bit. "They don't look so different," Quantum says, adding, "What do you think, Trip?" "I think you're right, Captain," Trip says. Anyone else get this elite-y one-dessert-two-spoons thing Trip and Quant seem to have with each other? They're like a clique. A clique of two ignorant, fratheads who won't listen to anyone but themselves. T'Pol tells Quantum, "You'd be recognized immediately as outsiders." "Not if we look like them," Quantum says, brushing that and all her other future valid concerns aside by saying, "Starfleet could have sent a probe out here to make maps and take pictures, but they didn't. They sent us, so that we could explore with our own senses." That seems to end any and all arguments in his mind.
Hoshi hooks up her supersonic ear and eavesdrops on the planet. Does it bug anyone else to think that exactly the same thing could be happening to us right now? All our movements, our conversations, our flossing habits are being watched and discussed by sentient beings far away? I wonder what they think of Iron Chef: USA. Basically, the point of this scene is to show Hoshi getting her ya-yas from the myriad dialects, accents, and diphthongs she's picking up from the planet, and that Quantum is happily indulgent where her quasi-lingual brilliance is concerned. I wish they wouldn't make her character so flat, because I have a very difficult time believing T'Pol is the only one on Enterprise intelligent enough to think infiltrating a techno-less civilization is an idea of the non-hunky-dory variety. Hoshi plays back some garbled conversations. It very much sounds like they took some German, Russian, and a dollop of Japanese and threw it in the blender to make an Alien Lingua Smoothie. Quantum tells Hoshi that they can narrow down which translation matrix she needs to concentrate on once they figure out their port of call. "I did find one word you might want to remember: Akkali. It's the name of their species," Hoshi says. See, when I first saw this I could've sworn everyone was calling the planet's species "Ecoli." Guess what? Yup, they're the Ecoli from now on.
In his quarters, Quantum discusses landing site suggestions with T'Pol. "A farm?" he asks. "It's remote and sparsely populated," T'Pol explains. "If you're exposed, there's a reduced risk of cultural contamination." "This explains why aliens are always landing in cornfields," Quantum cracks. To which events is he referring to exactly? The Klingon and Suliban crash-landing in that Oklahoma farmer's field? Because as far as we can tell, that would be the only Star Trek case of aliens crash-landing on Earth. He's been watching too much MST3K. "So," Quantum says, leading T'Pol from his cabin, "who do we send first?"
Sickbay. Dr. Phlox has been playing Kevin Aucoin with Hoshi and transformed her into Eva Marie Saint. Well, at least he adds some tiny ridges to her forehead so that she fits in with all the other extraordinarily human-ish aliens. "It itches," Hoshi complains, reaching up with one hand to scratch. Phlox stops her. I think Linda Park must be using Salon Selectives. Her hair is wavy, full of cloudy body, and just downright gorgeous. Even if it's a bit reminiscent of Deanna Troi, the Non-Corkscrew Years, it really does suit Hoshi's face. I guess it's just not practical for her to wear it like that every day on a starship, what with all the fans and knobs it could get caught on. Phlox tells Hoshi that the itching will subside. Barely moving any of her facial features, Hoshi asks Quantum, "Are you sure I'm the right person for this?" Quantum gets the Plotline Exposition Beam, fuses it with a Foreshadowing Array, and conducts, "If the translator goes down, you'll be able to handle yourself better than any of us." Phlox wants to fiddle more with Hoshi's face, but Quantum stops his stippling brush by saying that they don't want it to be too perfect. T'Pol asks the Captain to report to the bridge, so that she can give him important information, which will result in many more of them being subjected to Phlox and his Max Factor set-up.
Enterprise bridge. T'Pol says she's detecting neutrino emissions coming from one of the continents. Quantum asks what could be causing it. "Possibly an anti-matter reactor," T'Pol says. "These people don't even have indoor plumbing," says Trip the Pewp Engineer. Hoshi makes the very credible suggestion that some clans might be more advanced than others. "Or maybe we're not the first visitors," Quantum says, immediately jumping to the conclusion of the permanently paranoid. Compare Silicon Valley to certain parts of India, and you'll find a disparity in technological development. It happens, Capt. Gee-Whiz. "What about non-indigenous bio-signs?" Quantum asks. T'Pol employs the Spock Viewer and says, "I'm not reading any, but at this range, it's hard to be certain." Quantum tells Trip and T'Pol to accompany him to Phlox's Clinique counter. "Let the Quartermaster know we'll need three more sets of clothing," the Captain orders Hoshi. Mayflower stagnates at his post and attempts not to turn into a puddle of green envy.
Shuttlepod. Trip morosely regards his criss-crossed calves and leather-trussed feet, saying, "M'feet would be a lot happier in m'own boots." I didn't know they could hold whine tastings in their shuttlepods. From the driver's seat, Quantum grins indulgently and then asks, "What's this?" as Hoshi hands him something. "Identification papers," she explains, passing a set to each of the crew, "Everyone in the city has to carry them." Groovy. National IDs. T'Pol -- wearing a long brunette wig that makes her look like a Woodstock reject -- examines her papers before tucking them out of sight. Trip says, "T'Pol," and twirls his index finger near his ear. T'Pol watches him for a second, attempting to figure out if he's trying to tell her she's loony, before realizing that his gesture means her peaked Vulcan ears are exposed. Without a word, she pulls her fake locks around them and looks at Trip for verification. ["Why wouldn't they put her in a head scarf like Hoshi's? Stupid humans." -- Wing Chun] He nods and goes back to studying his ID papers. It was kind of a nice, almost tender, scene of mutual camaraderie, but Quantum had to ruin the whole effect by smiling indulgently down on them from his chair. I truly wonder how many times I will say "Quantum smiles indulgently" in each recap. It seems to have made its way into his permanent John Wayne Facial Repertoire. Quantum noisily lands the shuttlepod in a sparsely wooded area, which, by-the-by, looks nothing like a farm to me. And I grew up in the Midwest.
The Pipes of All Star Trek Non-Warp Drive Civilizations plays as the four explorers wend their ways through the town, observing and collecting visual information. T'Pol and Hoshi, wearing bouclé cloaks straight from any of the Brontë sisters' overwrought imaginations, furtively look about before stepping around a corner, so that T'Pol can whip out her tri-corder and take some readings. Hoshi stands guard and notes a couple huddled in another dark corner. She draws T'Pol's attention to them. T'Pol sneaks a peek and sees leprotic marks on the faces of the huddled couple. Maybe they took a wrong turn and fetched up on Molokai. T'Pol jerks her head in the opposite direction, and Hoshi follows.
In another part of the dusky city, Trip and Quantum -- also be-boucléd -- take readings. "Over here," Quantum says, walking up to a door. "I've got it, too," Trip confirms. "The reactor's about eight meters under this building." "Looks like some kind of a curio shop," Quantum says, peering into a darkened window. Just in case this civilization is also pre-Schlage, Quantum loudly rattles the doorknob. A real Ecoli citizen walks by, so Quantum and Trip play nonchalant by lurking about suspiciously until the citizen passes by. Quantum says that they might have to wait until morning. "There could be a lot more people around then," Trip says. "Might be easier to get a look at this thing tonight." Quantum points out that the door is locked. "Not for long," Trip says, holding up something pre-Ecoli. Trip fiddles at the door with a green light while Quantum mutters something about their first act being breaking and entering. No, I believe your first act was spying, followed by forgery and fraud. "Maybe you don't have to mention this part in your log?" Trip suggests. More non-suspense-building futzing by Trip, as Quantum keeps watch. A shadow approaches. "Trip!" Quantum hisses. Trip whispers that he's going as fast as he can. Finally, Trip gets the door open, and they enter, not noticing the ubiquitous shadowy figure watching them from the shadows. So much for Quantum's standing-the-watch skills. Maybe they've ended up in Dickens's time, and any moment now, Daniel Quilp is going to walk up and start needling them.
Trip and Quantum take readings inside Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe. Quantum comms T'Pol, telling her, "I think we've found what we're looking for." T'Pol rogers back and says she'll met them at their coordinates. More snooping and prying visited on Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe by Trip and Quantum. As they move into another part of the store, the front door creaks open, and the Ubiquitous Shadow enters the Shoppe. Since the Ubiquitous Shadow is sneaking in from the outside, rather than just flipping the light switch on and confronting the breaking-and-enterers, I have a nagging suspicion that the Ubiquitous Shadow isn't supposed to be there, either, and will therefore bond with the Enterprise crew, ultimately helping them to succeed in their neverending quest to be self-righteous and meddling. In a convenient trick of the light, we can see that the Ubiquitous Shadow has an expanse of skin showing below the cloak tie; must be female. Meanwhile, Trip and Quantum continue playing Snooper Troops. "The neutrino emissions are off the meter -- it's gotta be through here," Trip says, doing the Dance of Seven Scans. Quantum tests something with his phaser and reveals a forcefield. "There's some kind of magnetic barrier," Trip says. Quantum asks whether he can disable it, as the Ubiquitous Shadow noiselessly pulls out a pocket crossbow (oh, how much cooler can you get?) and takes aim. Quantum and Trip FINALLY notice her. MI5 they are not.
"Who are you?" Ubiquitous Shadow asks, shakily. "What did you do to that door?" "Nuthin'," Trip says, uncannily imitating Dubya at his press conferences. "Honest." Ubiquitous Shadow demands to know what they're doing there, and Quantum assures her that she doesn't need to point her weapon at them. "We're collectors," he says, "We're picking up an antique." Now see here! The Ecoli might be pre-warp and pre-pewp disposal, but they aren't simple-minded. "A real collector would have waited until the shop was open," Ubiquitous Shadow tells them. "You're not here to pick up any antiques. I've been watching this shop for weeks -- I know all about your 'evening deliveries.'" Hmmm, there's something fishy going on. "'Deliveries'?" Quantum asks. "People are getting sick. Some are even dying because of what's going on here -- did you know that?" she asks. Trip and Quantum just goggle at her. "Move away from the door!" she orders. There's a phaser blast, and Ubiquitous Shadow crumples to the floor. "Was that necessary?" Quantum asks his Science Officer, newly arrived on the scene. Look, he's smitten already, the big doofus. "She was armed," T'Pol points out, blandly. "Let's try not to shoot anyone else while we're here, okay?" Quantum says, examining his lady love. "I'll try," T'Pol says, not batting an eye at the Foreshadowing Replicator. Quantum tells T'Pol that they've found the reactor, and it's protected by an energy field. "We should go," T'Pol says. "It'll be dawn soon." Trip gestures at the prone Ubiquitous Shadow on the floor and asks, "What about her? We can't just leave her." Quantum rifles through the Ub Shadow's pockets and pulls out her identification papers. "Hoshi," he urges, handing them over to his language expert. Hoshi pushes some techno-buttons and reports, "Her name's Riaan; she's an apothecary." Does she have an Apothecary Table from Pottery Barn? Quantum tells his crew, "I'll meet you back at the shuttle." I'll bet you will, Capt. Bamp-Chicka Bow-Wow.
I am the cheese. Aging. You know what else ages? Post Road.
It is the morning, and Quantum apparently managed to decipher Riaan's papers enough to bring her to her home. Riaan groggily comes out from under the Roofie effect and jerks herself upright. "What did you do to me?" she demands of Quantum, through the dusty haze of her shop. It's daylight, but somehow they thought it was a good idea to light multiple candles. Quantum balderdashes her and says she simply fainted. "That's the second lie you've told me," Riaan tells him, arching her brow and back from the recesses of her curtain-draped bed. "You're not very good at it. Why did you bring me back here? Did Garos tell you to? Are you working for him?" Quantum tells her he doesn't know who she's talking about. "He owns the shop you broke into," Riaan tells him. Quantum says he's not working for anyone, and that he just wanted to be sure she got home safely. Yeah, I'd feel safe if some stranger lied to me, phased me, brought me home, hovered while I slept, and then pretended to be John Wayne when I woke up. Riaan and Quantum establish that they both think there's something curious about Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe, and that maybe working together would be beneficial. Quantum tells Riaan that he's an investigator from another city, and asks if he can come back later to talk about the sickness inflicting the people of her city. Riaan nods, shooting a come-back-and-see-me-sometime look from under her lashes, and asks what his name is. Quantum whips his cape up to his nose and says, "I'm Batman!" Or maybe he just says, "Jon." "'Jon'?" she repeats, "How far away is this city?" she asks, ironically. That is, it's ironical to us, not her. Quantum just smiles and leaves. Hardy NOT har har.
Enterprise. "Even if we flatten the building with a torpedo barrage, it probably wouldn't make a dent in that energy field," Reed tells Quantum over the comm-link. From the shuttlepod, Quantum asks whether Reed can scan Ye Olde Curiosity Shop itself to find out anything. "That's strange," Reed says, after poking at a few buttons. "Sensors aren't picking up anything under the shop -- no basement, no bedrock, it's like the building's sitting on nothing at all." Trip suggests the existence of a dampening field. Quantum instructs Reed to keep scanning the shop, and to let him know if he finds anything of interest. And then I'd advise you get yourself to Dr. Phlox for some bronzing cream, Reed. You sorely need a hint of color rubbed in.
In the shuttlepod, Quantum brings up what Riaan said about people being sick. "I think we may have seen some of them -- mottled skin, lesions on their faces." Hoshi says; we catch sight of the shuttlepod windscreen behind her head. It seems to be haphazardly covered from the outside by leaves and branches. Snerk. Brilliant camouflage techniques. Trip continues, as though I hadn't interrupted, "If we can get one of these people to the ship, Dr. Phlox might be able to tell us what's wrong with them." Yeah, that's a good idea. "I'd advise against that," T'Pol says smoothly. "If I'm not mistaken, the fear of alien abduction caused a great deal of apprehension on your planet for a centuries." Quantum rolls his eyes. He's such an idiot. T'Pol suggests that they talk to the guy whose shoppe they broke into before doing anything more drastic.
Trip and Quantum revisit the scene of their crime and pretend to be antiquers. There's some time-killing chit-chat back and forth before Quantum whips out a tri-corder and accuses the shopkeeper of not being an Ecoli. The shopkeeper whips out his tri-corder and tells his patrons they aren't, either. It's all a little too macho for my taste.
Hey, The Three Musketeers is on! Not the Michael York-Oliver Reed version, which I prefer, but Oliver Platt's in this one, and that more than makes up for O'Donnell's blond 'fro.
Quantum introduces himself: "We're explorers from the planet Earth." The shopkeeper doesn't know what Earth is, and asks how Trip and Quantum knew he was there. "We picked up the signature from your reactor," Trip tells him. "Now that you know who we are, maybe you could tell us what you're doing here," Quantum suggests. The shopkeeper says he's just an explorer as well: "At least I used to be. I'm from the Malurian System." Closed-captioning got the spelling wrong, it's "Mallurian" and they are a race alluded to in TOS: The Changeling, who were conveniently wiped out by an artificial life form called The Nomad in 2260. Shopkeeper explains that he came to the Ecoli on a survey mission: "We had no plans to stay here," he tells them, "but after a few months I found myself quite taken with these people. So I decided to stay." He's got enough of the typical baddie's smoothly low voice that you know he wasn't "taken" with anything; it's more like he's there to take. "If you enjoy the simple life so much, why do you have an anti-matter reactor in your basement?" Quantum demands. "There's nothing nefarious about it, I assure you," Shopkeeper says in his nefarious voice. "The reactor powers a fabrication device, it allows me to make food and clothing." ["I want one!" -- Wing Chun] Quantum tells the shopkeeper that some of the Ecoli think he's the cause of the sickness spreading through the city. "I see you've met our apothecary," Shopkeeper sneers. "You know her?" Quantum asks. Shopkeeper says that Riaan has been making accusations against him for months, adding that the plague spreading through the city is indigenous, and he didn't bring it to them. "Unfortunately, these people don't have the medical technology to cure it," Shopkeeper finishes. "So this woman blames the newcomer: me." Quantum says he'd like to look at the reactor in the basement, but Shopkeeper tells him he has customers to attend to, and forcefully ushers them out.
In the street, Quantum and Trip agree that Shopkeeper's reactor has too much power to be a mere food and clothing replicator. Quantum comms T'Pol and has her meet him at Riaan's apothecary.
T'Pol and Quantum enter the apothecary. "Who's your friend?" Riaan asks with an emphasis on "friend." Quantum introduces T'Pol, saying, "She's helping me investigate Garos's shop. You two have something in common: T'Pol is a scientist as well." Quantum is obviously anxious that the two women in his life find common ground. T'Pol compliments Riaan on her facility and asks whether she may look around at things. Riaan says, "If you're careful not to touch anything." Even from the far end of the room, I can tell T'Pol rolled her eyes at that one. I did, too. "You two are from the same province?" Riaan asks. "Alberta," Quantum tells her. Not really, but I always seem to think of Canada when I hear the term "province," and Alberta happens to be my favorite.
Quantum keeps Riaan busy while not telling her anything about himself, and T'Pol scans things in various glass jars and tubes. "Turn down that flame, please," Riaan instructs Quantum, as she looks through a brass microscope (identical to the one my mad scientist mother displays in our living room, along with the odd trilobite and geode, in case you were wondering). Quantum turns down the Bunsen burner flame under the tea-colored liquid and asks questions about the illness plaguing the Ecoli. Riaan counters by asking why Quantum was in Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe; Quantum tells her they think Garos the Shopkeeper's got a machine in his basement. "A machine he isn't supposed to have," Quantum says, putting it in the simplest way possible, so that this simple-minded Tess of the D'Urbervilles can comprehend what he's taking about. "What kind of machine?" Riaan asks, as T'Pol takes more readings with her tri-corder. Quantum tells her they're not sure what the machine is, but that they think it might have to do with everyone's advanced stage of acne, and if she could tell him all she knows about blackheads, it might help. "I can't tell you much," Riaan says. "People are dying and I can't determine why. Drop this in the water, carefully," she says handing him a tiny syringe. "I learned of the epidemic eighteen months ago; my brother was one of the victims." Quantum pauses in his droppings to dispense platitudes. Riaan says she thought it was an airborne contagion, but that it never spread beyond their city, so she threw that theory out. Maybe they should check to see if anyone's received any mail from Trenton, NJ. "I've sampled the soil, the water -- I can't find anything out of the ordinary," Riaan concludes, as T'Pol surreptitiously sticks some litmus paper in one of Riaan's beakers. Quantum asks Riaan why she thinks Garos is involved in the breakout, so Riaan shows him a map. She tells him that the first cases occurred close to Garos's shoppe: "That was just one month after he arrived." Quantum asks about the "evening deliveries" she accused him and Trip of being a party to. Riaan picks up the skirt of her high-waist Juliet-esque dress and tells him that, every night, someone carries crates and barrels from Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe to a place outside the city. "Every time I've gone back in the morning, the crates are gone. Hand me that?" Riaan says. "That's why you were watching his shop," Quantum says, handing over what she indicated. "You though we were there for the crates." Riaan elaborately pours a stream from the beaker. "What is that?" Quantum asks, curiously. "Tea," Riaan says, offering him and T'Pol a thimbleful. Yum, a comforting steaming cup of skin contagion!
T'Pol asks to speak to Quantum. "I'd love a cup," Quantum tells Riaan, handing over another sake-sized cup, before joining T'Pol in the corner. "Did you get what you need?" he asks her. T'Pol assents and says she has to go back to the ship in order to analyze her data. "All right, you and the others head back," Quantum says, looking over at Riaan. T'Pol asks what he's going to do. "I'll stay here and see if I can learn more about Garos and these shipments," Quantum says. T'Pol reminds him, "The longer you remain, the more you risk cultural contamination." And VD. And impetigo. And pin worms. "These people are suffering from something a lot worse than 'cultural contamination,'" Quantum tells her. "We've gotta find out what it is." Quantum shoves the door for T'Pol, who turns and bestows a look on Riaan. "Enjoy your tea," T'Poll tells Quantum, and leaves.
Enterprise. Phlox and T'Pol analyze T'Pol's data, and Phlox is favorably impressed by Riaan's medical sophistication. Phlox looks at the litmus paper T'Pol dipsticked and reports, "The water sample's contaminated with tetracyanate six-two-two." T'Pol doesn't know what that is, so Phlox tells her and the audience that it's a synthetic compound used as an industrial lubricant. Um, yuck, at all the connotations that information dredges up. "It's quite toxic," Phlox says. Isn't Quantum drinking tea at this moment made with that contaminated water? T'Pol asks whether it's responsible for the epidemic, and Phlox tells her, "If it's managed to seep into the groundwater, absolutely." T'Pol says she'll notify the Captain, and Phlox continues puttering about with the data.
Planet surface. Some romantic evening, you may meet an alien, but not until later. Quantum and Riaan watch Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe. Riaan mutters to herself as she takes notes in her diary. Quantum asks her whether she said something to him, and she apologizes, saying, "I mutter what I'm writing, sometimes. It's an old habit." Aw, isn't that charming and downright irresistible to our intrepid captain? Quantum says, "I have a similar one -- I talk to my dog." Do the Ecoli have dogs or even a parallel word that could be translated? Riaan smiles and says, "My mother bought me a tusorop ko once but it tuproya plo dok," Riaan tells him. No, you're not just hearing things; it looks like Quantum and the crew of the Enterprise might be experiencing some technical difficulties with their translating device. Quantum furrows his captainly brow and asks, "What was that?" Riaan looks at him and babbles some more in Ecolian. Now, if he can't understand her, wouldn't it be logical that his words weren't being translated back either? Riaan continues to talk in Ecolian until Quantum can't stand it and kisses her. I guess he's discoursing in the Interplanetary Language of Looove. Behind Riaan's back, Quantum fusses with his Indiglo communicator as he continues to kiss her. He comes up for air, but she's still babbling in a rather translated way, so he kisses her again. What if she's telling him, "Get orff me, you salacious bastard, or I'll call the cops!"? Quantum fiddles some more with the translation matrix on his communicator. Finally, he breaks the embrace, pushes her face into his shoulder and asks, "Are you all right?" "All right?" she asks, dreamily. And all's well again with the lingo. They break away from each other. "I'm all right," Riaan tells him, smiling. "Someone was walking this way," Quantum says, awkwardly, "but he turned and went around the corner. I thought if we pretended to be --" "I understand," Riaan says, giving him a weird look and turning back to her notes. A door closes somewhere, so they quell their hormones and look at Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe. A man loads crates into a wheelbarrow and walks away. Quantum and Riaan follow.
In a forest, the fall foliage seems to be in full force, as Riaan and Quantum watch the man with his crates. The man speaks a foreign tongue into his communicator, which, from the looks on their faces, neither Riaan nor Quantum can understand. Quantum moves closer to get a peek at the crates; as Riaan follows, he tells her she has to go back. "Not until I get a look at what's in those crates," Riaan tells him, and starts tugging the lids off. Somehow I don't think that someone, who went through the trouble of carting those things all the way out there, is going to go very far away. A bright light beams down on the two of them, and it's just like any other bad alien-abduction movie. "Move!" Quantum commands Riaan, and they scuttle out of sight. A shuttlepod hovers above and tractor-beams the crates into a cargo hold. After the shuttlepod zips off, Riaan breathlessly asks, "Have you ever seen anything like that?" Quantum dramatically turns to look at her and says, "Actually, I have." Oh, boy. There's a blast of plasma fire, and Riaan squeaks in surprise. Quantum whips out his weapon, tells Riaan to stay where she is, and fires back. Quantum and the other guy trade fire for a while, jumping in and out of trees, blah blah blah. They each get their weapons knocked away, so they engage in hand-to-hand for a bit until Quantum actually manages to knock his attacker cold. Quantum hovers over the comatose man and, in a move totally stolen from V, rips part of his face off, exposing a green, reptilian underside. Pulling the latex skin off seems to make the alien come around, because he flutters his eyes and punches Quantum. More hand-to-hand. The guy crawls after Quantum, peeled face a-flapping, and attempts to grab him, but Quantum fires at him with a phaser pistol. The guy collapses. Wonder if it was set on "Stun" or "Kill." Riaan looks agog at Reptile Face. "It's all right," Quantum tells her. "He's not dead." Quantum goes through the guy's pockets -- he's getting good at that -- and pulls a few odds and bobs out. "Is there anything else you'd like to tell me, Jon?" Riaan asks. Quantum sighs.
Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe. "If your ship can travel to so many stars, then why would you come here?" Riaan is asking Quantum, as they walk in to the shoppe. No need to pick locks this time, apparently. "To meet you," Quantum says. Oh, get a better line, please. "Me?" Riaan says, pulling out her stalker repellent. "Well, not you personally, but your people," Quantum explains. Riaan wonders why he would want to meet them, and says, "We're so backward compared to you." Quantum says, "If you take away our technology, we really aren't that different." Hath not a Quantum eyes? Hath not a Quantum hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affectations, passions? If you prick him, does he not BLEED? Quantum holds up one of the doohickeys he stole from the V creature, which my father noted looks like a Norelco shaver, and fiddles with the forcefield. ZZZAP! Forcefield is no more.
Quantum and Riaan descend. Wait, there's something so familiar about this. Is it the chick? Nah. Is it the romantically Renaissance yet surprisingly comfortable bouclé clothing from J.Jill? Nope. Is it perhaps the CAVE?!? Gah. I'm so sick of this. Get a holodeck so we can see some diversity in locations, already. I'm tired of having to turn to mind-altering substances in order to keep myself entertained during this show. Quantum and Riaan find the reactor, which is thoughtfully stickered with one of those circular, black and yellow, nuclear-esque insignias. Quantum takes some readings of the reactor thing, but is distracted by robotic movement through a window and in another cave. It's looks like one of those mechanical arms you find in an arcade where you have to try and grab the pink stuffed thing before your quarter runs out. Quantum walks over to the window and looks down on the Galactic Senate scene from The Phantom Menace. Pretty cool that they managed to get back to the reliquary on P'Jem. I mean, think about it -- what are the odds of that happening? I guess they're pretty good, if you've got the dull wits of Braga and Berman working overtime behind the scenes. Who do they think they're trying to fool? Don't they know how anally detail-oriented and unforgiving their audience is?
Enterprise in orbit. "They're mining some sort of veridium isotope," Quantum comms back to T'Pol on the bridge. "Veridium is used primarily to manufacture explosives," T'Pol tells him. Quantum says he's not surprised by that information, and T'Pol asks whether he's found any signs of tetracyanate. "Their drill bits are saturated with it," Quantum comms back from Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe. "We've got to shut this all down. The reactor seems to be powering the entire operation, but I can't use my phase pistol -- I'd risk up blowing up half the city." "Cap'n, let me come down and take a crack at it," Trip shouts. Why is he shouting? Quantum tells him they don't have that much time, and says their best bet is the transporter on the ship. He says he'll try to do something to corrupt the dampening field. T'Pol ten-fours.
Back down by the highly toxic reactor, Quantum looks at a screen with gibberish writing. "I don't suppose you read Mallurian," Quantum comments. Riaan says, "Can't you just use your device?" Heh. Quantum tells her it doesn't work that way. Heh. Heh. Riaan asks what they're looking for. "There's an energy field surrounding the shop," Quantum tells her. "It's keeping my ship from seeing what's in here. One of these controls should turn it off." Riaan spies something, "Here," she says, looking at a monitor, "This is Tengala Street; here's the shop. This outline could have something to do with the energy field." Quantum furrows his brow and goes to push a button -- somewhat indiscriminately, I might add. "Wait!" Riaan says, stopping him. "What are you doing?" "If the blue line represents the dampening field, this blue button should control it," Quantum says. Now, I don't know too much about technology in the twenty-second century, but that's about as logical as how Sydney was told to disable that coffin bomb. Don't you think if the baddies didn't want people being able to figure things out from simply from color coding, they'd do the opposite? So, blue would actually equal yellow. But then, if they depend on people knowing they should do the opposite, then they'd do the predictable instead because they'd assume people wouldn't think they'd be that predictable, right? Right? Ow. Less thinking; more Post Road. "What about the yellow dots?" Riaan asks. "What about them?" Quantum says. "How do we know they don't represent the field? Maybe it's the yellow button," Riaan asks. "The blue one's lit," Quantum says. "That's what worries me," Riaan says. "'Worries you'?" Mathra shouts out, suddenly, "What should 'worry' you is that you've never seen so much as a CD player and now you're acting all know-it-all about subterranean computerized nuclear devices!" Wow, and all this time I thought he was asleep. It's always the quiet ones. "We could debate this all day: blue or yellow?" Quantum asks. Well, if you ask me, both, because those are Michigan's colors. Ahem! Carry on, my friends. "Blue," Riaan says rolling her eyes a bit to tell us that she really doesn't have the courage of Quantum's convictions. This means, of course, that she's going to be right, and Quantum's going to be wrong. Quantum punches the blue button; an alarm goes off, and all the doors shut. I think yellow was the right answer. Quantum does, too, because he pokes at it several times, while Riaan gives him the female "I went along with you, rather than argue, but I told you so" look. Things look sticky.
Enterprise. T'Pol is coiled on the edge of the captain's chair as Mayflower tells her, "There's a ship approaching." T'Pol asks where it came from. "It must have been in a geosynchronous orbit on the other side of the planet," Mayflower says. Reed tells them the ship's got a ton of guns, saying, "They're armed to the teeth." Whenever I hear that expression, it always makes me think of a pirate picture in one of my old National Geographic books. Pirates are attacking a ship, and one of them is climbing over the side of the frigate with a knife between his teeth. That's really what "armed to the teeth" means. Hoshi reports they're being hailed from the surface. "The Captain," T'Pol states. "I don't think so," Hoshi says. "On screen," T'Pol commands. Garos the Shopkeeper's ugly mug appears and tells them to leave orbit, or else his big, bad ship will blow them out of the system. The way he says it is so representative of bad guys everywhere. They never just say, "You must leave." What they invariably say is, "I suggest you leave," like the word "suggest" makes all the difference, because the worst baddies are the ones who are overly polite about their evilness. T'Pol tells him she wants to speak to Quantum, but Garos breaks the news that he's dead. He is? Really? Does that mean Reed's the captain now? Before the crew can do much else but look at one another in horror, the other ship fires at them. The bridge is hit. Alarms go off, and a few things blow dry ice. Garos informs them, "My vessel is capable of firing ten of those charges simultaneously. Again I suggest you break orbit." Again with the suggesting. What kind of delicate wine would you suggest goes with cold lobster and caviar? Post Road Pumpkin Ale? Thought so, thanks.
Cave of Overuse. Riaan tries to open the locked, solid steel door, and Quantum runs back and forth, accomplishing nothing. Garos suddenly appears in the window. "How did you find out about this facility, Captain?" he asks. Quantum whips around to face him. "Was it from a somewhat ugly Tellarite merchant, perhaps?" Quantum maintains that they detected his emissions from orbit. That must've been quite a vindaloo he ate that night. "I forgot -- you're 'explorers,'" Garos says. Quantum says they're just trying to help the Ecoli, whom Garos is endangering. "There are five hundred million Akaali on this planet. A few thousand won't be missed," Garos says, evilly. Quantum turns to stare at him. "I'm willing to let you go, provided you promise not to return," Garos says. "We've instructed your ship to send out a launch vehicle to take you and the woman." Since he's already told Enterprise that Quantum's dead, and since Quantum's managed to get himself into a rather sticky situation at present, why would Garos tell him that lie? Why not just leave them to die or kill them himself? Quantum tells Garos that Riaan belongs there, while fiddling with the gibberish controls. "Believe me, she'll be better off on your ship," Garos says. "Now step away from the control panel, Captain." Quantum walks over to Riaan and hands her the phase pistol. "If anyone walks through these doors, aim this and pull the trigger," Quantum tells her. Riaan aims it at Garos through the Plexiglas.
Enterprise orbits the planet with Garos's fat ship pursuing it. Reed tells T'Pol, "They're charging weapons," and T'Pol says, "Prepare to leave orbit on my order." "Belay that!" Trip says. Oh, hello Horatio Hornblower, when did you sign onto Enterprise? Trip tells whoever is in control of the ship's orbit to keep it where it is. God, Trip, do you really want to show off your IQ even more than you did in the last episode? "I don't have to reiterate that I outrank you, Mr. Tucker," T'Pol says, barking, "Ensign!" That last bit was for the conflicted Mayflower, who looks like he needs an airsick bag. Trip pulls out his big guns and calls down to Engineering -- where his word is gospel -- and tells the redshirt down there, "Billy, stand by to vent the nacelles on my order." Hoshi glances over at them, wondering whose move it is. T'Pol looks steadily at Trip, who barks, "We're not going anywhere!" Trip's really getting up my nose in this scene. "I didn't say leave orbit; I said prepare to leave orbit. I have no intention of abandoning the Captain, dead or alive," T'Pol says, fixing him with a look. Trip finally nods his head in understanding.
Cave of Overuse. It appears that whatever fiddling Quantum did earlier, it hasn't blown them up yet, so he fiddles some more and the lights go out, but the doors open. Riaan and Quantum leave. Wait, what happened to Garos? Wasn't he watching them? Wasn't there a way for him to lock off their control of that panel? What an incompetent baddie.
Enterprise. Hoshi reports that the dampening field is down. "Anything?" Trip asks. "I've got a fix on it," Reed says. "Transfer the coordinates," Trip orders on his way off the bridge. Enterprise is rocked with another blast. "The forward hull plating's de-polarizing," Reed reports. "Evasive maneuvers; keep us within transporter range," T'Pol orders. "I'll try," Mayflower says, in his only line this week. T'Pol orders that they return fire. Yeah, this oughta be good. Enterprise fires, and as their paltry torpedoes harmlessly bounce off the Moby Dick-esque ship, it becomes obvious (if you didn't figure on it already, in which case, you're not very bright) that the Mallurian ship has shields. "They've got some kind of energy shielding," Reed reports, for the benefit of those who still haven't figured it out yet. "Our weapons are ineffective." Hoshi reports that the Captain is trying to contact them. "Put him through," T'Pol commands. "How's it going up there?" Quantum whispers into his communicator, walking through the crowded streets of the Ecoli city. "A Mallurian vessel's opened fire; we're taking damage," T'Pol shouts back. "SHHHH!!" Mathra hisses from the kitchen, wrestling to open a case of Post Road for me. Quantum asks about the reactor. "We're trying to get a lock on it now," T'Pol tells him, and asks, "Are you all right? He said you'd been killed." Quantum tells her not to worry about him, and to get the reactor. "Jon," Riaan says, warningly, looking behind them. We see that Garos is in the street, but hasn't caught sight of them yet.
Enterprise takes more damage. Mayflower tells T'Pol they've lost their lateral thrusters, and T'Pol asks Trip what his status is in Engineering. "This would be a lot easier if you would stop rocking the boat," Trip reports. Shut up, Trip. No one finds you amusing. T'Pol asks him how much longer. "I've almost got a lock," Trip says. Mayflower says he can't shake the Mallurian ship. Hoshi asks, "Even if we get the reactor, how are we going to keep them from taking it back?" More fire rains upon Enterprise, and even more dry ice is released on the set. "If they want it so badly, perhaps we should give it to them," T'Pol comments, ominously. At least, it would have been ominous if I could manage shake the memory of her being drunk and stupid on that morning radio show.
In the streets of the Ecoli city, Quantum and Riaan do their own evasive maneuvers. The guy whose face Quantum peeled off sees them and fires a phaser. Right in front of everyone. Quantum and Riaan duck behind some cement thing, while the crowd watches. Phaser fire is traded for wampum, as Quantum stuns Peeled Face Man. Garos and another buddy also engage in a little phaser-fire-trading.
Enterprise. Trip reports that he has a lock. Reed prepares a torpedo. I think we've actually seen that exact clip of a torpedo being loaded before. "Starboard's full loaded," Reed reports. "Stand by to go to full impulse," T'Pol orders. Steam pumps behind her. Anyone up for a facial? "Now, Commander," T'Pol comms to Trip in Engineering. Trip pulls a lever, and the reactor disappears from the cave. It reappears briefly in the Enterprise transporter room, disappears, and finally reappears in space. Right in front of the Moby Dick ship. "Fire," T'Pol sneers. Enterprise fires at the reactor. The reactor explodes and does The Electric Slide up the hull of the Moby Dick ship. "Their shields are down," Reed reports. "Come about," T'Pol says. Mayflower does. Hey, she didn't say, "Ready about," and "Hard to lee," as my dad always does. 'Course Dad is a Power Squadron thingy, which makes all the difference. "Target their weapons array," T'Pol orders.
Planet surface. More exchanging of fire where the streets have no name. Yawn. Finally, Riaan directs Quantum's attention to the oil lamp above the Mallurians' heads. "What about it?" asks Quantum of Planet Thickie. "Residic oil ignites at 398 degrees," Riaan tells him. "You wouldn't happen to have anything that gets that hot?" Yeah -- me, baby! Quantum finally gets it and fires at the lamp. Big explosion, baddies knocked out. Riaan and Quantum stand over Garos and Company, as Quantum calls up to the ship. T'Pol reports that they got the reactor, destroyed it, and disabled the other ship's weapons. T'Pol asks whether they should disable the Mallurian ship's engines . "No," Quantum tells her. "They're about to leave, but first they need to pick up three passengers." Quantum comms off and tosses a weapon at Garos, saying, "I don' think you're going to have time to pack up your shop." The three Mallurians beam out with a rippling light effect. Riaan watches open-mouthed. I've been closely monitoring all the effects used on this show, and I have to say I'm impressed that they've used different transporter effects for each alien they've encountered.
Quantum splits a captain's log and reports that on July 31, 2151, they got rid of all the mining equipment under Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe, and none of the Ecoli are the wiser. Except those who were in the streets when the phaser fight broke out and were probably watching from behind their curtains when the Mallurians beamed out. Whatever, dude, you culturally contaminated them, and they're going to have a special clause in the Prime Directive named for you. In order to wrap up his love life, Quantum brings a quantity of medicine down for Riaan so that she can treat her leprosy victims. "Tell them to take the entire dose," Quantum says, pulling out a small jar, which, I'm sorry, looks like the kind of specimen you have to take to the doctor's office. Who would drink that? Riaan asks what will happen if Garos comes back, and Quantum tells her that the Vulcans will be looking after them to make sure he doesn't. "They could stop by for tea," Riaan says. Green tea. Quantum tells her it's best if she didn't go around telling tales. "Who'd believe me, anyway?" Riaan asks. Oh, I don't know, maybe the PEOPLE IN THE STREET?! Quantum delivers some cheese-infested line about no other planet being this "memorable," so they have a Moment and kiss. "Is your translator broken again?" Riaan asks, when they come up for air. Quantum pretends not to get it: "I'm sorry? I don't understand a word you're saying." They kiss again. I throw up again. Shouldn't he leap now?
week, Mayflower thought he left his spine behind on Earth, but it turns out he didn't when faced with smelly Nausicaans and a smellier Captain Quantum. Be excellent to each other and eat lots of bird.