I've decided that, for a change of pace, while recapping this week's episode of Ed, I will attempt to drink my weight in Michelob Honey Lager beer. It certainly can't hurt the recap, since they rarely make sense once I'm finished anyway. Plus, if this week's episode is anything like last week's filled-to-the-brim barf bag, I'm going to need all the help I can get in staying awake while recapping the horseshit.
We open with Ed and Mike walking in to the Smiling Goat. Ed's in the mood for some pea soup. Which would be a super-cool shout-out to the fact that I just mentioned a barf bag, because Linda Blair vomited pea soup in my favorite horror/comedy film of all time, The Exorcist. Except that I just typed that last paragraph four minutes ago and the show has already aired. And my first Honey Lager is going to my head rather quickly. Ed grins and bets Mike ten bucks Mike won't go over to a guy and ask for his autograph. Mike's game. Ed adds that Mike has to pretend that he thinks the guy is Kenny Rogers. They show this white-haired guy eating in a booth, and for a second, I think it is Kenny Rogers. I'm thinking, "Man. Kenny. Who's grilling the chickens?" So Mike goes over to this guy and says, "Excuse me, Kenny, can I have your autograph?" The guy says he's not Kenny Rogers. Upon closer inspection, it looks like Will Ferrell doing Kenny Rogers. Mike says he hates to bother Kenny during lunch, but could he just sign Mike's napkin? Just sign it "Kenny" or "The Gambler" or anything. The guy keeps saying he's not Kenny, and Mike keeps pushing it. Finally the guy growls and signs the stupid napkin. Mike says, "Be the guy, Kenny!" while Ed laughs. Oh, holy hell. If this is all they have to offer as an opener, this is going to be a long recap. Second Honey Lager coming up.
Theme song and opening credits. I just made up a joke. What's the difference between the theme song for Ed and those dogs that mauled and killed that woman's lover in a hallway out in California a year ago? One makes you sick and the other sics your mate. Hey, I never said it was a funny joke.
So we're back, and we see a cabin in the woods. Maybe it's Jackass's house. I dunno. Nobody bothered to explain it to me. I didn't get the freakin' memo. I haven't been "debriefed," as they're so fond of saying on that freakin' la-de-da fancy pants ratings-hoarding show The West Wing. Carol's reading about the Quizbowl in the paper; Jackass has never heard of the Quizbowl. Carol says it's a big competition, and that Stuckeyville used to be pretty good at winning it. She wants Stuckeyville High to get back in that Quizbowl clique. Jackass asks who would coach the team. Carol suggests Ed, of all people, because he was a Quizbowl champion in high school. Jackass carefully reminds Carol that Ed's not a teacher, and Carol says that it's all right: the former Quizbowl coach retired from teaching and still coached for several years afterward. Jackass hands Carol her breakfast. It's a huge omelet. Dare I say it was an "Omeletzilla." Jackass used seven eggs to make it. I need another Honey Lager. Have I mentioned that I'm normally Heineken's bitch in leather panties? This Honey Lager stuff tastes like it's barley-flavored water. Luckily for me, my liver calls the shots when it comes to judging alcohol content.
Over at the Bowl (it's my new nickname for Stuckey Bowl. I think it'll stick if I can just manage to shove it down your throats enough), Phil, Shirley, and Kenny are watching that Don King TV Movie that won Ving Rhames a Golden Globe several years ago. The award he turned over to Jack Lemmon on live television. I bet Ving's kicking himself in the ass now: he's doing Radio Shack commercials, Lemmon's dead and buried, and that Golden Globe's on some shelf in a Beverly Hills pawn shop. Smart move, Rhames. Why don't you slip Bob Hope the keys to your Porsche, you dumb sumbitch. Sorry. It's the Honey Lager talking. Anyway, Phil says he wants to be just like Don King because Don King's the smartest man in the world. Kenny asks if he's smarter than Einstein. Phil concedes that if there were a chess match between Einstein and Don King, Einstein might win, but Don King would own the board, own the pieces, make a million dollars after selling tickets to watch the game, and be able to talk Mike Tyson into gnawing Einstein's ear off. Carol comes in looking for Ed, and Phil looks uncomfortable around her. Maybe it's because they're the two most hated cast members on the show and when you get the two of them together, there's some friction. I dunno. All I care about is this luscious beer #3. Carol goes off to find Ed, and Shirley says that Don King and Einstein had the same hairdo: both fluffy. No argument there: Don King could be Einstein's love child if you look closely enough.
Ed's in his office, going ape shit because Carol has asked him to coach the Quizbowl team. It really is cute watching him act during this scene. Ed hasn't shown this much unbridled enthusiasm since he got the chance to perform his sexual "To Do" list on Kelly Ripa. Ed's accepting the honor of being the coach and reliving his shining Quizbowl moment when he answered the correct question "Which president was nicknamed Old Hickory?" Naturally, it was our seventh president, Andrew Jackson. Here's another trivia tip for you: Uncle Bob grew up less than five miles away from Jackson's White House, The Hermitage, in Hermitage, Tennessee. It's true. It's damned true. Carol tells Ed about Gary Morton: Gary's a student who's going to need some extra special nurturing. He's all sullen and quiet and never gets sociable with the other classmates. Ummm...Carol, babe, Gary sounds like the school's drug dealer. It may be in your best interests to leave ol' Gary alone, allow him to peddle his smack to the freshmen, and quit meddling, or he's bound to pop the proverbial cap in yo' ass. Ed's still reeling from the news and yells, "How many stomachs does a cow have? Bing! Four stomachs! That's right! Who da Quiz Man? Who da Quiz Man?!" Carol answers, in a much less enthusiastic tone, "You da Quiz Man." Ed calms down slightly and says, "Sorry. I love the Quizbowl." That's obvious, Eddie. The only time I ever get that wound up is when I fantasize about ways of humiliating my mother-in-law in public.
MegaMark and Warren show up at Diane's house all dressed up in suits. Diane answers the door and asks them if they're traveling vacuum-cleaner salesmen. Warren wants to make sure they're dressed okay, because he's scared they're disrespecting the sabbath. She introduces her mom, who greets them, "Shabbat Shalom." Warren responds, "Shabazz Stallone." Mom tells the boys to make themselves at home. Warren asks if they should be bowing or kneeling or something. Diane hands them both yarmulkes and tells them to put them on...their heads. Mom asks for Diane's help in lighting the candles. MegaMark notes how sexy Diane looks, bathed in the glow of the candle, and is trying to get Warren to realize that Diane is the girl for him. Warren won't have any part of it. Warren asks how he looks, and MegaMark tells him he looks like Yentl. You know, I never would have realized that if MegaMark hadn't pointed it out, but Warren looks exactly like Barbra Streisand if she were a nervous and sweaty teenage boy.
In Carol's classroom, all the kids for Quizbowl are filing in. This kid Gary is among them. He looks like a cross between the gay guy in Metallica and a high-school version of Son of Sam. All the kids groan when Gary walks in the room, which is ironic, because that's the same effect I get when I walk into my workplace each morning. Ed shows up; he's jazzed to be coaching the students in Quizbowl. He announces himself as a former Quizbowl champion, and wants a show of hands from everyone who's competed in Quizbowl in the past. Everyone raises their hands except Gary, who looks like he's reeling from a heavy dose of methamphetamines. Ed tells Gary he's a lucky man, because everyone else in the classroom has done this before, but they've done it all wrong and Gary's the only one who's going to learn it properly. He asks them when they should buzz in. A kid says they should buzz in when they know the answer. Ed says, "EHHHH! Wrong! You should buzz in when you THINK you know the answer." He throws his coat at Carol and starts getting into the whole scene. He asks them all to split up into groups of three. Gary tries to saw his arms off with a switchblade. Ed patiently explains that Gary didn't mean for each student to split himself into three pieces; he meant that Gary should join two other students to form a group of three. Gary nods and drools and sits with the dweebs behind him, who are clearly terrified of this monster.
Back at The Bowl (has it gotten any catchier yet?), Phil is introducing Kenny and Shirley to the future of boxing: two dock workers named Roy and Carl. Roy asks whether he may smoke. Phil reminds Roy that he's the good guy, and has an image to uphold. Carl asks if he can smoke and Phil tells him to light up. Kenny asks if they're boxers, and Roy says they aren't. Phil asks them to stick with their phony back stories, and explains that Carl was born in Russia and was genetically engineered to be a lean, mean fighting machine. He's now known as the Irish Prince. Because he moved to Ireland. Then there's Deadly Roy, a former Green Beret who invented the show One Day At A Time. Shirley asks him if he knows Bonnie Franklin. Roy says he does, and that she's a great broad. Shirley beams as if she's the president of the Bonnie Franklin Fan Club. And the vice-president. And the entire roster of members. And now, in my attempt to draw as many sick perverts to my recaps as possible, I'd like to include the phrase "Nude Bonnie Franklin photos" and hopefully this recap will show up at the top of every search engine's list. Yes, I'll do damned near anything to get more people to read these recaps, short of offering money and valuable prizes.
After the Quizbowl session, all the students are leaving, and of course, Gary's last, wearing a t-shirt that reads "I'd rather be killing cab drivers." Ed says he's glad that Gary's going out for Quizbowl. Gary tries not to slip into a drug-induced coma in the doorway. Ed springs "Who was the third president of the United States?"on him. Gary blurts, "Adams!" Ed corrects him: "Jefferson." Gary says, "George Jefferson?" Ed says no, and Gary laughs and lets Ed know that he's not that stupid. Ed laughs and lets Gary know that he thinks he is that stupid.
Warren and MegaMark are walking through the halls of the school. Warren's prattling on about the fun he had at Diane's house the night before, witnessing all the Jewish traditions the family enjoyed, including all the weird lingo they used. ["If they were there for the Sabbath, and it was yesterday, then...wouldn't that make this Saturday? Why are they at school?" -- Wing Chun] MegaMark says it's called religion, dumb-ass. Warren says he's had a spiritual awakening. A little backstory: his family never had much to do with religion. They had a Christmas tree and that was it. And Warren had to stand on a Stuckeyville street corner, selling matches in the blinding snow to save up enough money to buy his mother a hairbrush for Christmas. With this newly discovered jones for religion, Warren's hell-bent on finding himself a faith. MegaMark reminds Warren that you can't pick a religion like you pick out khakis. Well, at least MegaMark can't. He's got to special-order his khakis from Big Bill's Khaki Warehouse and Tire Sales. Diane walks up, and Warren asks who he should talk to about Judaism. Diane asks if he's on crack; Gary slowly slinks out of a nearby locker and says that if Warren's not, Gary can be his hookup. Diane and Warren ignore the drug-crazed lunatic just like in those commercials that tell kids it's cool if they don't do drugs. Warren asks Diane if he can get a meeting with her rabbi. She says she'll see what she can do. And kids, in all seriousness, do drugs. Do lots of them. Take drugs like they were candy. Fry your brains. And if you don't have money to buy drugs, steal it from your parents. It's okay. They'll understand. They stole that money from the government to buy their own drugs. It's a neverending cycle, but the important thing is to do drugs. Oh...and wear sunscreen.
Carol and Jackass enter Jackass's office. Jackass has spent the day dealing with angry parents over what's going on with Quizbowl -- specifically, Gary's role on the Quizbowl team. It seems the parents think he's a bad influence on the kids. The kids are mad, too. This Quizbowl crap is sucking up all of Gary's time and there's no one available to score them some crank. Carol tries to defend Gary but Jackass says Gary's dumb and will hurt their chances of winning. Jackass wants Gary off the team because he's dragging the team down. Kinda like Cousin Oliver did to The Brady Bunch. Jackass tells Carol to inform Ed that must cut Gary from the team. Carol says that Ed already promised Gary he can go out for Quizbowl. Jackass says that if Ed promised all the kids diamond earrings, would that mean Jackass had to go to Zales? Jackass says it one more time: get rid of the punk. The whole time, he's chewing a wad of gum and tossing crap around his office. This is a clue, but I don't pick it up because I'm cracking open my fifth Honey Lager and popping two Aleve to help combat the inevitable headaches.
A commercial for Orange Clean. I hear this stuff's pretty good at removing dirty grease and grime. But if it's all the same to you guys, I think I'll stick with Mango Clean to continue cleaning my nether region.
Diane and Warren go to see Diane's rabbi. Warren has brought refreshments and offers the rabbi a Cran Grape. The rabbi turns it down, but Warren insists that he drink it. The rabbi gets a little nervous and decides to drink it rather than having Warren kick his holy Jewish ass. Warren asks the rabbi to explain to Warren why he should become a Jew. The rabbi is taken aback, and Warren explains that he's a free agent and wants the rabbi to say something that would make him choose the Jewish faith. The rabbi says that's not how they do things around these parts. He asks Warren to ask him some questions about the faith. Warren asks how much he needs to pray, adding that the rabbi should keep in mind that Warren's a busy guy with a tight schedule. Which means he whacks off several times a day. The rabbi says that's up to him, but for an orthodox Jew, three times a day is usually kosher...no pun intended. Warren whistles and asks if there's any wiggle room with the three-times-a-day rule. The rabbi says that there is some wiggle room. Warren wants to know how much pork he can eat and still keep kosher. The rabbi says none. Warren wants to work something out there, because Warren loves his morning bacon. Warren asks what he has to look forward to in the afterlife. He asks if the rabbi can guarantee him he'll get into heaven. The rabbi says no, not per se. Warren says he's heard enough, and tells the rabbi he'll keep in touch as he gets up to leave. Diane sits there, mortified. She can't believe she's secretly fallen in love with this moron.
The gang is all at the Goat, eating baked clams and loving every slimy morsel. Molly asks why all cartoon clams have big eyeballs on top of them, because even though her failed relationship with Jim exhausted all storylines that featured her prominently, the writers still like to throw her a bone once a week in order to keep her around so they can say, "Hey, look...Molly's still on the show!" Nice try, writers. Carol and Jackass show up, and the guys groan. Molly insists that they should be nice, because Carol's nervous about easing Jackass into the group. Greetings are exchanged; Jackass grabs some clams and starts telling a story about Morty's in NYC where he had the best baked clams ever. Then afterward, he walked out onto the street and saw Roy Orbison fall flat on his ass. This is a complete and utter shout-out to everyone's favorite fictional uncle because I, Uncle Bob, used to see Roy Orbison shop for groceries at Winn Dixie in Hendersonville, Tennessee back in the '70s. And one time, I saw him bust his ass reaching for some Geritol from the top shelf. And when I got through laughing at the guy, I asked him if he'd be "cry-hi-hi-hiing...over [his] busted ass" which was a joke on his big hit song "Crying." And he may not have gotten the joke, I'm not really sure. But he didn't cry. And he needed help getting up. Some older people helped him to his feet and chided my teen punk ass for laughing at the "musical legend." Yeah, right, Gramps. It's not like Elvis just fell flat on his face in the dairy aisle...this is Roy F'n Orbison. I dunno. I don't know why I even bothered telling you this story. The only true part of it is I used to see him shopping for groceries. I never saw him fall. I just want to be as cool as Jackass, I guess. Which would explain my sixth beer.
At a press conference at the Bowl, Phil is introducing the fighters to the media, which consists of three guys sitting in folding chairs, looking bored. Phil prepares the members of the press for the big weigh-in. The Irish Prince is large and in chizzarge, weighing in at 253 lbs. Deadly Roy weighs 276 lbs., which Roy tries to claim is mostly water weight from all the salted nuts he's been eating. Phil asks if anyone has any questions; there's only one media guy left. He asks the Irish Prince whether it's true that the Russians bred him to box. The Prince asks if the reporter saw Rocky IV. The media guy has seen it. The Prince says it was pretty much like that. This smells like another Stubbs failure just waiting to happen.
Back at the Goat, Jackass, Carol, and Ed are throwing darts. For safety purposes, they're throwing them at a dartboard. Jackass tells Ed he has to throw Gary out of Quizbowl, and hopes it's not too awkward for Ed to do so. Ed says that Gary needs this shot to his self-esteem. Jackass asks Ed whether he played basketball in high school. Jackass obviously missed last week's abomination of an episode. Jackass lays down a high-school basketball analogy: what if the coach put a kid who sucked on the starting team in order to give him a chance? Ed wants to work with the kid first. Jackass says no. Ed says it's Jackass's call, and that Ed will tell Gary that he's a worthless piece of shit who will be dealing drugs for the rest of his free life. And probably his prison life as well.
Warren is in a confessional. The door opens, and Warren almost jumps out of his oily skin. Warren asks if he talks now. The priest says yes, and asks if this is Warren's first time confessing. Warren says he's not here to confess; he's just taking the booth for a test-drive. The priest doesn't understand, and Warren puts the confused priest at ease by saying, "It's cool Bud, you're doing fine." Warren asks if the confession booth is totally anonymous, and the priest insists that it is. Warren asks whether the priest can see him, and the priest says no. Warren asks him to prove it, and asks him to tell Warren how many fingers Warren's holding up. The priest says this is stupid, because he could just lie and tell Warren a number different from the number of fingers Warren's holding up. Warren catches the priest and says no, he couldn't, because priests aren't supposed to lie, unless the topic of discussion is sodomizing young boys. Which isn't really a shout-out to me, but I was an altar boy at one point and I do have some hazy memories of taking long hot showers with the priest when I was younger, but most of the details have been conveniently erased from my memory. The priest tells Warren he should go now. Warren crosses Catholicism off of his list, and not a moment too soon.
Ed goes to Gary's house, which is in the Stuckeyville ghetto. A man with a beer in his hand and a gruff disposition asks Ed what he wants. Wow, another shout-out to me. Maybe it's this seventh beer that I'm currently pouring on my t-shirt talking, but I'm noting all sorts of personal shout-outs tonight. Ed wants to see Gary. The guy asks what "Captain Screw-Up" did this time, which is yet another shout-out to me, because that was my mother's affectionate nickname for me when I was growing up. Ed asks if the man is Gary's father, and the guy says, "No. Are you?" Tee hee! I love bastard jokes! Gary comes out; he asks Ed what he's doing there, and subtly tries to pass him some crystal meth through the doggie door. Ed says he doesn't need the drugs (Ed's high on life! Loser.), but he does need to talk to Gary. Gary looks all depressed, and Ed asks him to come run some drills with him back at the Bowl. Gary brightens up and tells the drunken asshole in front of the TV that he's going to the Bowl with Ed. The guy doesn't even bother answering him. Ed scowls at the guy for being a lousy role model. I scowl at Ed for trying to reform a drug dealer. My neighbor scowls at me for holding totally nude one-man parades in my back yard. The neverending circle continues to spin.
In the school hallway, MegaMark asks Warren if he's a Jew yet. Warren says he isn't. Catholic? Nope. Has he looked into Buddhism yet? Warren says no; it's too eastern a religion. MegaMark says that if Warren were smart, he'd have the men of the cloth start a bidding war for Warren to join their respective churches, adding that Warren should be playing hardball with these guys. I think that if MegaMark tried to play any type of ball with anybody, the guy would keel over from a heart attack. MegaMark asks Warren when he's going to ask Diane out. Warren says he's never asking her out; they're just friends. Friends who fight. Actually, they're enemies. MegaMark snorts, and chunks of ham fall out of his nostrils as he says, "Enemies in love!" Warren walks away, and MegaMark calls after him that when Warren does manage to find religion and get in good with God, he can ask the Lord why He screwed MegaMark over by giving him a physical frame bigger than most mobile homes. At that moment, I feel a tinge of sadness for MegaMark and his MegaPlight of being one big-assed mofo yet still try to fit into society gracefully. Then I start feeling sorry for that lady at my local gas station with the harelip who always greets customers by saying, "Welcome to Big Bill's Pump and Shop," but it always comes out "Melcome to Mig Mill's Mump and Mop." Then I decide to start doing more for my fellow man and begin making life easier for the disadvantaged. Then I crack open beer #9 and I forget what I was thinking about.
During the Quizbowl study session, Ed's calling out the abbreviations for scientific elements, and the kids are hitting their buzzers and hollering out the answers. Except Gary, who is concentrating on finding a vein that hasn't yet collapsed in his arm. Jackass walks in, and Ed starts to introduce the kids to him. Jackass reminds Ed that he's the principal; he knows who these kids are. He wants to see Ed in the hallway. Ed follows him out there.
In the hall, Jackass asks Ed if this is some big joke, because he's got a great sense of humor, and if Gary's sitting in there simply to get a chuckle out of Jackass, it worked, ha-ha, very funny, you damned bowling alley lawyer/Quizbowl coach. Ed tells Jackass that Gary's parents are assholes. Jackass doesn't care, because Gary has the mental capacity of a tube sock and he doesn't deserve caring parents; he deserves death by lethal injection. Ed says the boy needs nurturing. Jackass tells Ed that you can't teach a dog algebra and you can't teach Gary how to answer a question in a manner that won't make pints of saliva spill out of his mouth. Jackass says that Gary's sitting on a pair of threes and is pretending to have a full house. That's a poker term, implying that Gary doesn't have a promising future. Ed says the kid's just trying to find himself, and this Quizbowl farce has really started to do the trick for him. Jackass reiterates that he's the principal, and this is his school. He's in charge. And if Ed doesn't get rid of the kid, Jackass will take care of it himself over the PA system. He takes his finger and jabs it in Ed's shoulder, pushing him back like a bully about to kick some Ed Stevens ass. Ed remembers the finger jab from his days languishing in the hallways of public education, and backs off pushing the Jackass. Wise choice, Eddie. Keep pushing the man and who knows? You might just drive him straight off the wagon. Which reminds me...bartender, another round for the house. The house being...well, me. And the bartender being...well, me.
Commercials. Apparently there's this movie called Spiderguy or something coming out this weekend. Funny. I haven't heard that much about it.
Warren walks into a Baptist church full of African-Americans singing a gospel favorite of mine entitled "What The Hell Is That Cracker Doing All Up In This Beeyotch?" The minister looks like Montel Williams as he preaches about the Power of the Person, and I don't know if it's a coincidence or not, but that's the official title of the episode this week. It's funny how sometimes the title of the episode ties in to the actual episode itself. The minister decides to take a break, and walks away from the pulpit. Warren catches up to him and says that he's seen this guy, Rev. Isaac, on television. Warren says he doesn't have a religion, and that he's here to see what the Baptists have to offer besides a ban on dancing and driving past liquor stores with lust in their eyes. Warren and the minister have a discussion about religion that is actually kind of boring, so I jumped at the opportunity to clean the wax build-up from my ear canals with an unhinged paper clip. Warren talks about the Shabbat dinner, saying that as he watched Diane, he got very agitated, like he was missing out on something which is why he's searching for religion. Rev. Isaac asks Warren if Diane is his lady. Warren chuckles and says she isn't. Rev. Isaac says that Warren is missing out, and that religion is like a flashlight that you shine on your life to see what's missing. Warren wants to know more, but Isaac has to go. Warren thinks this is cruel and unusual punishment and wants more time with Rev. Isaac. Warren has to know what Isaac is talking about. Isaac tells him that it's the Power of the Person. We get it Isaac. Sheesh. You don't have to pound it into our heads like we're a bunch of idiot children.
Ed's sitting outside The Bowl (have I pounded it into your heads yet?) when Gary walks up and hands him a milk shake. Gary's taken Warren's place as the high-school dweeb Ed prefers to hang out with. Probably because Gary can hook Ed up with the Peruvian Booger Sugar whereas Warren can only hook Ed up with oily used combs and dog-eared Chick tracts. Tough decision, huh? Ed says he can't allow Gary to be on the Quizbowl team. Gary knew this was going to happen, because he's a dumb-ass, right? Ed insists that it's not because Gary's a dumb-ass. It's just that the other players are stronger. And...well, they're not dumb-asses. Gary knew he'd suck at this whole thing, which is why he didn't want to do it in the first place. He tells Ed goodbye, and glumly slinks off to go get some third-graders hooked on weed.
In the Goat, Phil is telling Roy and Carl to remember to stick to the script, as the three men share a booth. Carl jumps up and says, "Deadly Roy, I've had enough of your shenanigans!" Phil is whispering, "Water! Water!" to remind Carl to throw water in Roy's face. Roy says they'll take care of it in the ring. Roy tells Carl to kiss his grits, and then tells Phil that was an ad-lib. Carl says they'll settle it in the ring this Friday night at 10 PM at Phil Stubbs Presents Championship Boxing at the Stuckey Bowl. Roy says he can't wait to meet Carl in the ring this Friday night at 10 PM at Phil Stubbs Presents Championship Boxing at the Stuckey Bowl. Phil jumps up in his fur coat and says that this fight will be settled at 10 PM at the Stuckey Bowl as Phil Stubbs presents his weekly boxing series. The customers barely pay the three guys any attention. My guess is that Gary must have gotten there first and handed out tabs of acid, because everyone's just staring at their napkins like they're little gremlins.
At the Bowl, Carol walks up to the shoe counter and asks Shirley if she's seen Ed. He's down below her, fixing the sink. Ed leaves the booth and starts walking down the walkway to the alleys. Carol follows, saying that she heard Ed almost got in a fight with Jackass. Ed tells Carol that the last fistfight he engaged in was in high school, when some kid painted Ed's birdhouse bright red. That sounds like a sexual euphenism to me -- you know "painting the birdhouse bright red." I think I'll start using that phrase in salty conversations around the office water cooler on Monday mornings to see if it makes me more popular when describing my sexual escapades with the Mrs. that took place over the weekend. Anyway...Ed says her boyfriend is an ass. Carol admits he's rough around the edges, but says she thinks Ed's being a bit harsh. She says she'll tell Gary he's cut if Ed wants her to. Ed says he already told Gary he was cut from the team, and that Gary was devastated. Crushed. He looked like your average Canadian ice skater when told that Marie Reine Le Gougne is in the audience right before they go on.
Warren and Diane are in a quiet classroom. Warren's scoping out the Dianemeister (which is my new nickname for Diane), and not a moment too soon, with two episodes of the current season left to air. Diane comes over, sits to him, and asks what Isaac had to say. Warren is very short with Diane and says they talked about God stuff. Diane asks if something's wrong with Warren, other than the obvious fact that he's mildly retarded, and Warren gets all defensive, saying that Diane is always picking on him -- pick, pick, pick. Diane recoils like most women do when Warren speaks to them, and tells him to have a great spirituality quest. Diane then asks Warren if it's that time of the month for him, and Warren says she's a regular Howie Mandel. She certainly has the hair, that's for sure.
Ed and Mike are walking down the street, dribbling a basketball and talking about a pick-up b-ball game they must have just finished and to which we were fortunately not subjected. Ed spots Jackass falling out of a bar, drunk off his jackass. Ed notes that he's smashed. Jackass is trying to get into his car, but drops his keys on the ground. Mike and Ed approach Jackass, and he recognizes them as the Lone Ranger and Tonto. Ed asks when Jackass started drinking again; Jackass says he doesn't know, because he didn't put a clock on it. He tells Ed that he's an alcoholic, like that's a big shock. The urine-soaked crotch in your slacks tipped us off, there, Jackass. Ed asks if there's anyone they should call, and Jackass tells them to call his sponsor Cal so that Cal can tell Dennis not to drink, like that's going to work now. Ed tells Jackass that they're going to drive him home. Jackass tells Ed that he's a good man. Mike agrees that Ed's a good man. Jackass says he's not good; he's soooo good. Because here's Jackass, who's banging Ed's dream girl, and Ed's taking care of Jackass like Jackass is Ed's good buddy. Ed slams Jackass up against a car and informs Jackass that he's drunk, and just because Ed's taking him home, it doesn't make them buddies. Wow. Shades of Starsky and Hutch here as the show takes a somewhat violent turn. Jackass says that he loves Carol. Ed just stares at him. You can tell Ed's contemplating the dreaded finger jab into the shoulder, but he restrains himself, because he's too nice a guy to lay into a drunken bastard. Me? I would have written "I hate you Carol Vessey" in Magic Marker on the guy's forehead, forced the guy into a ballet tutu, dropped him off at Carol's porch, rung the doorbell, and run. But that's just me. I have no tolerance for drunken blowhards who show no respect for others. We go to commercials, so I tell my bitch-ass wife to get up and get me another one of those damned Honey Lagers now before I kick her ass to the curb and change all the locks my damned self.
Commercials. L.A. Law, the Movie. For years, I thought that this was a show about French lawyers until someone pointed out that it's not Le Law, it's L.A. Law. Damned know-it-alls trying to make me look bad.
In Carol's classroom, Ed has brought gifts for all the members of the Quizbowl team: thick nerdy glasses. He tells them that they will all wear the glasses on the Quizbowl show, with their hair all messed up, so the other team will think they're freaky geniuses. Carol tells Ed she's sorry about Jackass. She says that Jackass has been acting strange lately. Ed asks why she thinks he's acting weird. Carol says it's because they're probably going to be moving in together, and he's stressing out over that. Ed about pisses himself and says, "Oh yeah?" That's Ed: king of the comebacks. Carol asks whether he has another theory? Ed doesn't. I mean...he does -- Jackass has fallen off the wagon and has been on a three-day bender -- but he decides not to tell Carol about it because he wants her to find out for herself when she ends up on the receiving end of a drunken tirade about what a lousy lay she is. Carol wishes Ed good luck with the Quizbowl, and says she'll be cheering him on. Carol walks out, and Ed looks like he just underwent prostate surgery with a pair of tweezers and a hammer from the one-two punch of being told they're going to be living together and the fact that he wasn't straightforward with her, because if he had told her that Jackass was a blubbering buffoon the night before, it'd be Ed licking figure eights on her inner thighs tonight, and not Jackass.
At the Bowl (see? Rolls right off the tongue by now, huh?), the boxing match is beginning. In the red corner, from parts unknown: the Irish Prince. In the blue corner, from parts even more unknown than the other guy: Deadly Roy. Dennis walks up to Ed, who's watching the match from a distance. Dennis says he owes him, and thanks Ed. Ed says it's okay, and Dennis adds, "For not telling Carol." The ref tells the boxers the rules, including no rabbit punches. One of the boxers asks what a rabbit punch is and the ref explains that's when you hit the guy in the back of the head. The boxer asks, "You can do that?" Jackass tells Ed to go ahead and give Gary a chance. He's not sure he can change a pair of threes in his head. The men touch gloves, and Bonnie Tyler's "Holding Out For A Hero" begins playing for this week's musical montage moment™. The two men are horrible boxers, fighting and slapping like little girls. Phil's shocked at their utter lack of machismo. People are running out of Stuckey Bowl like it's on fire. Between rounds, Shirley fixes the comb-over of one of the boxers. One of the boxers has had enough and grabs the ref to use as a shield. Soon, they're just holding each other, both exhausted, while the crowd has dwindled down to nothing, destroying yet another of Phil's wacky ideas to draw business to the bowling alley.
Warren goes to see Rev. Isaac again. Isaac recognizes him as the "agitated kid." Warren still doesn't know which religion he's going to pick, but he's pretty impressed with Rev. Isaac. He says he's a lot like the Crossing Over guy. Warren says that he spent all of high school chasing after Jessica Martel, and then had that night with Carrie the college girl who could have passed for his grandmother, when he almost banged her with reckless abandon. He thinks that his relationship with Diane is terrible. Isaac asks if that's because this relationship with Diane may actually work out. Warren says that he's nervous around her all of a sudden, and that even though Isaac may not have detected it, Warren's normally as cool as Clint Eastwood. Isaac asks Warren whether he's kissed Diane yet; Warren says no. Isaac says that's because this time, it's different. Before, with the other girls, it was his hormones that wanted to make out with Carrie and Jessica. But this time it sounds like the affection is coming from Warren's broken shell of a heart. Warren wants to know what he should do. Isaac says he should kiss Diane. My heart melted when I heard those words. You know your Uncle Bob is usually the pinnacle of macho, but man, I melted like an ice cream sandwich in the microwave when I heard someone other than MegaMark step up to the plate and tell Warren to do the right thing.
At the Quizbowl, Letterman's announcer Alan Kalter is playing the host. For those Ed fans whose memory banks haven't been totally obliviated by the demon alcohol like me, you'll remember that last season he played the school principal; this year, he's the host of Quizbowl. I guess that's a promotion. I'm not sure. Gary's on the team; he gives the camera a thumbs-up and mouths the words, "I can hook you up!" when it pans over to him. Ed sees Jackass standing near the audience bleachers, and walks over to him to tell him he did a good thing, letting Gary give the team a shot. Jackass says we'll see how it all turns out. Jackass tells Ed that he and Carol are moving in together. Ed asks whether that's why Jackass is stressed and started drinking. Jackass tells Ed that he started drinking because he passed a liquor store. He must be a Baptist. Anyway, when it comes to scotch, Jackass is admittedly sitting on a pair of threes. Meanwhile, Kalter is asking the kids the state capitols. He says "Kansas," and finally Gary shakes off his drug-induced haze to blurt, "Kansas City." It's actually Topeka. I can sympathize with Gary, because I wasn't even aware that Kansas was still a state. I thought they turned it into a giant rest stop or something.
Isaac is preaching at the pulpit and talking about everyone wanting a better house and a better job. Warren has brought Diane to hear Isaac preach. Diane's confused because she's Jewish, so her knowledge of traditional negro spirituals is nil. Warren tells her to shut up and listen. Isaac is telling the congregation that they choose what they want. He's not talking about the power of the Lord by Himself; he's talking about the Lord and the church bringing the power to you. He starts yelling about the Power of the Person as the choir starts singing "Let Your Light Shine" louder and louder. The sermon is reaching a fever pitch as Isaac points at Warren and loudly preaches at him to "let his light shine, let his light shine." Warren is moved by the Lord, leans over, and plants a big one on Diane. He then stands up and starts clapping, dancing, and singing with the congregation. Diane stands up, and she's got a huge smile on her face at the fact that Warren finally figured out what has been her scam all along: to score the hookup with the Cheskat. I've gotta admit, a tear of joy rolled down my fat, pock-marked cheek at this moment. Maybe it's because I've waited all season to see these two kiss. But ultimately, it's because I was out of beer and had soiled my shorts fifteen minutes earlier.
All in all, a great episode. Jackass was at his jackassiest, Phil played the smarmy schemer and dreamer to the hilt, and Warren and Diane kissed. I loved the last scene; that church scene was extremely powerful. Truth be told, I love gospel music and the fever with which this scene was played was intense. Two more episodes left in the season -- and just in time for the season to get interesting.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some laundry to do.