Previously on Ed: Molly gets screwed. Both literally and figuratively. She starts bangin' some bowling ball salesman and falls in love with the guy, who seems perfect in every way. The only problem is his wife feels the same way about him. Molly breaks up with the guy when she finds out he's married, and is currently nursing a broken heart and several gin and tonics on a nightly basis. Yes, Molly's a raging alcoholic. Of course, this is never shown, hinted at, or implied in the show, but trust me...nothing fuels binge drinking like finding out the person you're humping is leading a double life and you're the reason for it.
We crack open this nut of a show with Ed and Mike walking through the streets of Stuckeyville like a pair of vagabond weasels. I should clarify...a pair of vagabond talking weasels because as we all know vagabond weasels can't talk, and Ed and Mike can gab more than four old biddies playing bridge for six hours straight. Ed's wearing some comfortable pants and wants Mike to know they're comfortable. Ed says that he feels when you find comfortable pants, you should buy two dozen pairs and you're done; you have pants for life. Mike notes that this is true unless your ass becomes the size of Montana, which is a thinly veiled shout-out to yours truly, which I would rather not acknowledge at this point. Mike asks Ed if he's coming to the big Stuckeyville basketball team reunion and Ed doesn't know if he will be attending or not. Mike asks him if it's because of "the shot." Ed doesn't know what he's talking about. Apparently, during the state championship game, Ed missed a shot that cost the team the state championship. Ed begins whining and asking why nobody can remember that he scored twenty-one points in that game; all anybody remembers is that he flushed every hope and dream of every single person in Stuckeyville down the proverbial toilet with that one single shot. Mike says that a goat is a goat is a goat is a goat. Ed asks if Mike's calling him a goat. Mike says that he doesn't know and then says, "Bahhhhhhh...bahhhhhhh" like a sheep. Ed's slightly offended, but then remembers that this good-natured chiding is coming from a known sexual harasser, and drops the subject as the opening credits start.
I would now like to print the words to the theme song as I know them. They are as follows: "When it's my moment in the sun. Oh how beautiful I'll..." and that's all I've ever heard because I usually am banging my head against a wall repeatedly at that point until I knock myself semi-unconscious trying to get that guy's horrific voice out of my skull.
Commercials. Ding! Dong! The Bald Guy's dead. Which Bald Guy? The ER Bald Guy! Ding! Dong! The ER Bald Guy is deaaaaaad!
At the Stuckey Bowl, Ed's on the phone to Mr. Henry, trying to convince the poor decrepit old man that you can sue your neighbor for almost anything, but Ed's pretty sure the guy's neighbor didn't buy an ugly dog just to upset Mr. Henry. Those wacky Stuckeyvillians! Their mental hospitals must be overflowing in that sleepy little burg! Two big tall freaks run into Ed's office and Ed recognizes them as fellow teammates on his high school basketball team. You remember, the ones he let down with that last shot in the state championship? Seriously, if you don't remember, this is going to be one helluva long recap if I have to keep reminding you about it. So anyway, Ed says they haven't aged a day -- they've aged fifteen years! Chuckles galore as one of the guys calls Ed a "quick-witted bastard," which was at one time going to be scratched into my tombstone, but now I'm leaning more towards "Handsome Chunky Bitch Boy." One of the guys goes behind Ed and wraps his arms around Ed's chest, trying to give him the Heimlich, since the last time he saw Ed, Ed was choking at the foul line. Ed's all "oh yeah, ha ha," and you can tell he's still ashamed about screwing that shot up. One of the guys is a dermatologist in South Carolina; the other guy makes screen doors. They've heard that Ed defends professional bowlers. Ed corrects them and explains the whole bowling alley/lawyer gig, which would make for a great running joke if it had ever been funny in the first place. The guys ask Ed if he's coming to the reunion and he says he doesn't know. They convince him that nobody cares about a stupid foul shot gone awry from fifteen years ago, and his feelings aren't hurt anymore so he takes his thumb out of his mouth and says, "Sure, I'll come!" Stupid dim-witted bastard. He should have stuck with his original plan of pulling a Molly and staying home to drown his sorrows in a half-empty bottle of Dewars. Now he's going to be ridiculed by the entire town. What an ignorant shit biscuit.
Meanwhile, Phil and Kenny are at the shoe-rental counter. Phil's telling Kenny to check out "two o'clock," meaning to look straight ahead and to the left a few degrees. Except he's wrong and Kenny tries to correct him, letting Phil know he means "ten o'clock." They get into a brief debate over which is ten o'clock and which is two o'clock before Phil finally drops his cool facade and says, "Look over at the snack counter." Shirley is sitting on a stool while a hulking Michael Clarke Duncan-looking guy with dreadlocks and a stocking cap stands over her. The guy looks like he could tear Shirley in two with his bare hands. The monster scares the bejeezus out of me and I duck behind my recliner, opting to watch the rest of the scene from behind my chair. Phil's convinced that love is in the air and Shirley is crazy about the guy. Kenny asks how he can tell that and Phil says that it's his job to know about women. Shirley's reading some papers, signs them, and gives them back to Frankenhomie and they silently part ways. I climb back into my recliner and pray to God that the writers give me some advance notice before slapping that guy on my TV screen without warning again.
Over at the Smiling Goat, Ed's former teammates are going into this long, drawn-out spiel about the night Ed blew it for the entire town. They're doing it in sports-announcer fashion: very dramatic, very fast, very unrecappable, so don't even ask, you little cretins. Carol asks where she was for all of this and Molly says she was probably at some exclusive super-cool party. Carol's all, "Shut up Molly!" when she really means, "Say that again Molly!" because Jackass is out of town and she's surrounded by former jocks who still look decent for their age and she's hoping to bang at least half of them while Ed watches, torturing the poor bastard just a little bit more. The jocks continue their little play-by-play of the big moment in the game as Ed tries to diffuse the situation by offering to buy everyone cheeseburgers. But the entire table is enthralled, listening to tanned, head-full-of-hair Head Jock relive that magic moment when Ed totally blew it, while Carol stares at him dreamily. Ed missed the shot, and the ball ended up in the hands of Rich Reid, who took it and scored the final basket, winning the game and the state championship for Jaspertown, Stuckeyville's evil twin. Carol can't believe Ed never told her that story and Ed mumbles that it slipped his mind. Carol's all hot and bothered. Head Jock suggests that they challenge Jaspertown to a rematch which everyone seems to think is a great idea. They ask Ed to stay away from the foul line though, which he good-naturedly tries to laugh off. The team starts chanting, "Eddie! Eddie!" as Ed reminds them all that he had twenty-one points in that game. They all leave the Goat, announcing that, "The goat is leaving the Goat."
As they all file out, Molly bumps into Jim, the slimeball married guy she was humping like her life depended on it a few months ago. He asks how she's doing. She says fine except she cries herself to sleep each night and is thinking about taking up heroin usage to ease the pain of her broken f'n heart. Jim asks if he can buy her a beer and she says she's on her way out. He asks for one freakin' beer. Some malt, hops, yeast, and water. Maybe toss some barley in there somewhere. Describing a beer like that is too much for Molly and she can't resist tossing more alcoholic content down her gullet and agrees to have a beer with the guy. They sit, he asks if she wants a glass and she says no, a trough will suit her just fine because she's a heavy drinker now. He tells her he's missed her. She's missed him too.
It's morning and Molly's putting lipstick on while staring at her reflection. She bends down to pick something up and we see her bed in the reflection...with that slimeball Jim laying in it!! My God!! The drunken slut caved and porked Jimmy like he wasn't a family man or something!! What kind of...who the hell does she....what in the world is she...man!! This is hot scoopage!!! So Jim asks her what she's doing and she tells them she's going to school, remember? She's a freakin' teacher, Jimbo! Or maybe you don't even remember anything specific about the poor woman, all you remember is that she had an ass you could eat a picnic off of. Jim reminds her that it's Saturday and there's no school on Saturday. He tries to put her at ease by telling her that six years ago, he married the wrong woman. The only problem is, Molly is in severe freak-out mode and isn't listening. She says that there's a doughnut outside waiting on her and she must go eat it because it's doughnut time for Molly, and then she hauls ass out of her own bedroom and house, leaving Jim alone to sniff the sheets or whatever the hell this pervert plans on doing.
Back at the alley, Shirley is handing some papers to Frankenhomie and he walks away. Phil asks Shirley to walk with him. He says she has a crush on Jack a.k.a. Frankenhomie. She says she doesn't. He says she does. She says she doesn't. They continue walking and talking in rapid-fire staccato fashion. It's giving me a headache and my hand is cramping from trying to take notes furiously. He asks why she won't talk to Frankenhomie. She says she's shy. He asks if she's shy because she has a crush on him. She says no, she's just shy. He asks if she's sure she doesn't have a crush on him. She asks if she did have a crush on Jack, why would she tell Phil. Phil says because she trusts him like a brother. She says she doesn't trust him like a brother. He asks if she did trust him like a brother, would she tell him that she had a crush on Frankenhomie. She says that if she did trust him like a brother, she would probably tell him about a crush on Frankenhomie. She then asks why are they walking like this. Phil says he doesn't know, but he saw it on The West Wing and it makes everything seem more important. This made my wife burst into a fit of giggles and me scratch my head aimlessly because I've never watched the show and have no idea what they're talking about. All I know is, I just spent fifteen minutes of a valuable Saturday morning rewinding my copy of Ed so that I could recap that one little scene. My sympathies to deborah, who recaps The West Wing, because man...that must be one hellish gig right there.
In Ed's office, Ed is watching his bungled shot over and over again on videotape. The ball misses; he rewinds and hits play. The ball misses; he rewinds and hits play. If they show a typewriter with the words "All work and no play make Ed a dull boy" typed over and over again on a sheet of paper, I'm hiding behind my recliner again. Carol walks in and greets "Mr. Choke Artist." Ed corrects her, saying it's just "Choke Artist." Carol notes that this whole thing must really be bothering Ed. Ed says that he came to a fork in the road with that shot. Because, you see, there are two types of people in this world: the Haves and the Have-nots. Haves are the cool people who have everything they could possibly want and Have-nots are losers who don't get invited to parties and don't get to bang Carol Vessey after buying her a shot of Jagermeister in a smoky dive. Had Ed made that shot, he would have catapulted into the Haves category and the whole town would have loved him and he could have gone through life being a shit-ass snob and everyone would still have to love him because he was a hero that won the state championship for the town. But since he missed it, he has to be nice and charming to everyone in the hopes that they say, "Even though that Ed Stevens missed that shot fifteen years ago, he's still one charming sonofabitch." Ed's whole life changed with that one shot. Carol disagrees and Ed tells her that she's always been a Have, never been a Have-not, and has no idea what being a Have-not is like. Carol admits she doesn't and then announces that she has to go ball a couple of Haves in their hot tubs and wishes Eddie a fond farewell.
Commercials. The Scorpion King is the biggest box-office smash ever to open in the month of April during a full moon while the country was engaged in a war. Man. Movies today are desperately seeking any kind of recognition in order to hype themselves. week, I'm sure the new Angelina Jolie film will be billed as the biggest box office smash to ever open in the last week of April starring a big-lipped psychopath who drinks her own blood for kicks.
Over at the Stuckeyville High gymnasium, Ed's getting warmed up for the big showdown. Mike asks him how he's doing, and he says he's never felt better. Just then, Richard Reid (not the shoe bomber guy...but man, what a name to give to a character) runs in, holding the state championship trophy high above his head to a smattering of applause from those g-damned Jaspertown bastards. Mike says he's heard that the guy's dating a supermodel. Ed calls him the man that ruined Ed's life. Rich walks over and tells the guys he thought they'd want to see the trophy up close since they never got to see it. He asks them if they want to touch it and they decline. He practically begs them to touch the trophy but they don't sink to his level, although you can see the beads of sweat on Mike's forehead, as he so desperately wants to touch the damned thing. Wow. This Richard Reid is one cocky, smarmy asshole. He's definitely a Have. Man, this guy has "Have" written all over him. This is the guy Ed could have been had he made that shot. You know -- minus all the utter assholiness because there's no way Ed Stevens could be this big of an asshole.
Out on the streets, Carol, Molly, and Nancy are walking with big shopping bags in their hands and talking about what a great sale they just attended. There were so many shoes on sale that Nancy wishes she had more feet. Suddenly, Molly blurts out, "I slept with Jim." This stops the ladies dead in their tracks and we get a close-up of Nancy, who obviously slept through her call to the makeup department on the set that morning. Holy shit, this woman has aged like twenty years in a week. Her face looks paunchy, like Robert DeNiro in Raging Bull after the final fight. I mean -- don't get me wrong -- I'd still probably do her and do her proud. But wow. I'd almost swear she was Willard Scott in a wig. Anyway, the gals are acting like they're all concerned about Molly humping the married guy again. Molly's trying to justify her actions -- the same old crap all women who are banging married guys say: she needed some hot lovin'; she was drunk and lonely; Leno was a repeat; same old crap. Carol says something about how Molly said she swore she'd never go down this road again and Molly says she's not. She broke up with him and told him to break up with his wife if they were ever going to hop in bed and play "Lady and the Tramp" again. Molly tries to get off the subject by wanting to talk about shoes again and points out a pair in a shop window, saying, "Those are cute!" while Carol and Nancy stare at each other and Carol says, "Damn, Jana Marie...did you really sign up for Celebrity Boxing II?"
Back at the gym, Mike's telling Ed that this isn't important, it's just for fun, etc. Ed ain't buyin' what Mike's selling. Ed's as serious as angioplasty as the teams take to the court. The whistle blows, the game starts, and Ed blows out his hamstring after taking about four steps. So Ed watches the game from the sidelines with an ice pack on his leg as Stuckeyville beats Jaspertown with a score of blah blah blah to something.
At the Goat, Nancy's trying to feed the evil baby Sarah some fried clams. Sarah wants no part of the tasty little nuggets. Either that or she thinks somebody has stolen her mommy and replaced her with Bea Arthur and is petrified of uttering a sound. All of a sudden, a big commotion comes through the front door and I'm not talking about MegaMark. All of his teammates are carrying Ed, who good-naturedly tells them to put him down. Carol asks how everything went, and one of the guys said they won and they owe it all to Ed. Mike says that Ed pulled his hamstring five seconds into the game. Another wise-ass says that if Ed had done that same move fifteen years ago, they would have won the state championship. Everyone gets a good laugh at Ed's expense. Ed looks like if he just had some sort of automatic weapon, he could make that German high school massacre look like a puppet show. What? Is it too soon to poke fun at the Germans? Hello?? Keep in mind folks...those people are Hitlerific!
Back at the Stuckey Bowl, Phil's trying to hypnotize Shirley. Kenny walks up and asks what's going on, and Phil says that Shirley's finally admitted to having a crush on Frankenhomie. Shirley tells Kenny it's true. She's a woman. She has needs. I get a mental image of a naked Shirley being bucked like a little kid on a malfunctioning fifty-cent automated horse outside of Walmart, screaming in ecstasy. I quickly do everything in my power to erase this horrifying mental image out of my head. Phil tells Shirley that he's going to give her a post-hypnotic suggestion that will allow her to be chatty around Frankenhomie. Every time he says the word "lumberjack" -- wait, that's no good. The word "dustbuster." No...no good either. Every time he says "sanskrit...no... applesauce...yeah...applesauce." Every time he says "applesauce," she will become poised and self-confident and show no restraints and, most importantly, she won't drool like a stroke victim every time Frankenhomie comes around. Now, to test this suggestion, when he says the word "applesauce," he wants Shirley to cluck like a chicken. Shirley tells him that she's not hypnotized. Phil tries to convince her that she is hypnotized, but she just walks away. Meanwhile, Kenny's sitting there staring at Phil with his mouth agape like Shirley whenever Frankenhomie's around. "Oh my gosh, you're inadvertently hypnotized!" Phil says to Kenny. "No, I'm not," Kenny says, walking away. Phil starts hollering, "Applesauce!" as Kenny walks off. Phil says he's sick of working with amateurs. The man is a comedic genius, yet America has restrained from taking him to its bosom and loving the man for all he's worth. That makes me one sad and depressed recapper. When will you wake up, America?!? Do I have to start appealing to the wacky Canadians for their approval of Phil, America's greatest sitcom character? I will! Don't think I won't! I'll be banging down Canadian doors, searching for approval if need be. Dammit. I think I've got sunstroke or something. I'm getting too wound up over the little shit.
Ed walks into the alley, bitching up a storm because five people have approached him on the street today to rag him for that foul shot that he missed fifteen years ago. He wants Shirley to tell him why this is a hot topic all of a sudden. Shirley doesn't have a clue (naturally), and Kenny steps in to tell Ed to take a gander at today's newspaper. Ed looks at it and damned near every story is about the night Ed let the town down. Ed's mortified.
In his office, he's reading the paper as Mike walks in, giggling about all the coverage. Mike points out the high school picture of Ed that looks amazingly like Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters if Dave had never bothered to bring one single joint to his lips ever in his life. Mike suggests that they build a time machine, set it back to 1987 to set things straight, letting Ed make that shot and changing his life forever. Ed comes up with an even more brilliant idea, although to be honest, that time-machine deal didn't sound half bad to me. Ed calls Shirley into the office and tells her to get Richard Reid and tell him Ed needs to see him. Shirley says, "Right-o" solidifying her role as the hippest cat on the show. Mike asks what Ed's got up his sleeve and Ed says he's getting himself a do-over. Mike shakes his head in mild disgust because he's already seen the Robin Williams/Kurt Russell classic The Best of Times and knows how this is going to turn out already.
Commercials. Whoa ho ho! There's this commercial for the Honda Odyssey and it's got these new parents (just like me and Mrs. Bob) and they're loading up everything from the kid's room into their Honda Odyssey (just like me and Mrs. Bob, except we've got a Dodge Grand Caravan) and the Mom says, "Have we got everything?" and the Dad says (get ready...), "Yeah. We'll only be gone AN HOUR!!" Bwahahahahaha!! I can totally relate, because my son's eighteen months old and if we go to the mall or something, we have to take EVERYTHING!! I mean...television commercials are getting SO MUCH like real life!! Isn't that a scream?? I mean really!! God!! Who comes up with these crazy thirty-second looks at real life??
Ahhhh...God bless Paxil.
So anyway, Ed's still in his office and Shirley announces that Richard Reid's here to see the Choke Artist. Ed asks her to show Reid in and to not call him that. Shirley apologizes and says she thought it was some kind of cool sports nickname like Broadway Joe Namath or Reggie Jackson. She sends in Richard after he kisses some girl on the cheek outside Ed's office. He comes in and says Ed's setup is "cute." Ed thanks him and asks if that's his girlfriend that he kissed. Richard says no, that he just met her in the bowling alley, which twists the knife deeper into Ed's back because had he made that shot fifteen years ago, it woulda been HIM making out with total strangers in bowling alleys. Damn his luck. Rich sits down and tells Ed that his company isn't hiring right now. Ed grins and says he's not looking for a job. This puts Richard at ease because it would have been awkward otherwise. Ed says he wants a do-over for that shot fifteen years ago. It would pack the gym and be a great and exciting thing to do. Rich doesn't think it sounds like a good idea. Ed says if he hits it, they need to give him the trophy. Richard wants to know why they should agree to it and Ed says for the thrill of competition. Richard says that it's obvious that Ed has never gotten over that shot, and tells him to put it behind him.
Ed gets serious in a very special Ed moment and tells Richard that game was a turning point in their lives. Richard became a Have and Ed became a Have-not, being reduced to sleeping with chicks like Bonnie Hane and Kelly Ripa and being a successful lawyer/bowling alley owner. Ed points out that Rich is now strong and confident and...Rich interrupts him to tell Ed he doesn't swing that way. Ed giggles and says he's not coming on to Rich. Rich says he wishes he were because that would make sense of this situation. Rich tells the Choke Artist to take it easy and goes to leave. Ed blurts out, "Five thousand dollars," which gets Rich's attention like a school bus passing by his limo gets Michael Jackson's attention. Ed says if he misses the shot, he'll give the Jaspertown Jerks five grand. Rich says he feels bad taking advantage of the mentally ill and Ed goads him into doing it anyway. Rich agrees to it. They'll have a do-over and if Ed misses it, he coughs up five G's. If he makes it, he gets the trophy and starts sleeping with supermodels. Because as we all know...nothing impresses a supermodel more than a fifteen-year-old high school basketball tournament trophy.
Molly's sitting on a bench in a park when Jim walks up. Molly asks Jim if he's told his wife that he's leaving her for Molly yet. Jim says no, not yet. He couldn't find the right moment. Molly can't believe that there ever is a right moment. It's not like they'll be watching Baby Bob and during a commercial break his wife will say "You know, them talking babies sure are hilarious. Say honey, have you ever thought about leaving me for another woman?" Jim can clearly do without the sarcastic overtones that the conversation has quickly taken on and tells Molly that he's going to tell his wife, he truly is. Molly says that line came straight from the Married Guy's Cliché Checklist. Jim says for Molly to trust him; he'll do it. In fact, he's going to tell her tomorrow night, no matter what the circumstances. Molly says that they will meet back in the park at that bench on Sunday afternoon. If Jim hasn't told his wife by then, Molly's breaking up with him for good. Jim tells her to not worry, he IS breaking up with her. Jim asks Molly if they can go back to her place for a beer. Molly stares at him. A soda? Molly begins drooling. Some Steak-Ums?? Molly's ready to jump his bones if he doesn't stop talking so dirty to her. She manages to restrain her animal lust and tells him that they'll meet Sunday at noon.
Ed walks into the local Hi-Fi Hut and approaches Irv, played by The Late Show's Paul Schaffer with a bushy mustache and glasses my grandfather wouldn't be caught dead wearing because they're too square. Ed introduces himself and says he used to play basketball for Stuckeyville High when Irv refereed the games there. Ed asks Irv if he still refs and Irv says no. A while back, a fourteen-year-old kid didn't like one of his calls and found him after the game and beat him with a sack of gym shoes. Coulda been a bag full of jocks, Irv...count yer blessings, babe. Ed tells Irv he's getting a do-over for that horrifying game fifteen years ago and wants Irv to come referee it. Irv asks Ed if he likes action movies. Ed says he does. Irv shows him a back massager and says if Ed were to hook it up to his DVD player with surround sound, it'd feel like he was the one getting his ass kicked. Ed says he doesn't want the back massager. Irv says he doesn't wanna ref Ed's game. Ed smells what the Irv is cooking and agrees to buy the back massager. Irv agrees to ref the game. The Palestinians shake hands with the Israelis and the world is a much happier place.
Back at the alley, Phil has fitted Shirley with an earpiece so that he can feed her lines to use on Frankenhomie. As long as she repeats everything that Phil feeds her, she'll end up with a spanking new boyfriend, courtesy of Cyrano de Stubbsiac. Shirley worries that it may not work and what if she intercepts some television signal instead and picks up an Olive Garden commercial and starts babbling about shrimp scampi. Phil convinces her that everything will go perfectly since he bought this equipment on eBay. Shirley walks over to Frankenhomie, who's wearing his Santa Claus cap and looking like the illegitimate love child of Rain Man and Whoopi Goldberg. Phil leans into his microphone and yells, "Yo, yo, yo...wassap...WASSAAAAAP??" Shirley removes her earpiece, turns, glares at Phil and walks away, leaving Frankenhomie sad and alone.
Over at the high school gym, Ed's practicing his bowling alley owner/lawyer ass off at the foul line when Molly walks in, looking like she swallowed the proverbial canary along with the proverbial canned ham, the proverbial side of beef and the proverbial peanut butter pie. Remember kiddies...I can make fat jokes because I'm one frumpy sonofabitch and it's okay. If I were a slimmed-down superstud model guy, this would be blatant discrimination. But because I'm one portly bastard, it's A-okay in the Fat Boy Book O' Rules. Molly hopes she's not distracting Ed and he says he couldn't be distracted if George Bush marched in playing the French horn. Molly asks what if Carol Vessey walked in here naked and Ed begins slobbering like Homer Simpson in a doughnut factory. Molly says the whole town thinks he's insane and she does as well and asks Ed not to do this...it's stupid. They start talking about all this crap on how guys like Richard Reid get everything and Ed didn't get anything in life and blah blah blah...and damn do I ever hate to drag it out of the closet kicking and screaming, but...fishcakes. Ed changes the subject and asks Molly about Jim telling his wife about her. Ed asks her if winning sucks and losing's great, what does she hope Jim tells his wife? Molly says she hopes Jim tells his wife that he's madly in love with Molly and that she's a regular wildcat in bed and she makes noises like a seal hopped up on amphetamines when they do the bomb-chicka-bomb-bomb...but she doesn't think he'll tell her. Ed says he will. Molly makes a bet with Ed: if he makes the basket, Jim won't tell his wife. If he misses it, Jim WILL tell his wife about Molly. Christ, this is confusing. Ed misses the basket on purpose which doesn't go unnoticed by Molly. She tells him goodnight and he tells her goodnight and in a perfect world, yeah...these two would be a perfect couple. Maybe someday.
Commercials. I beg my television to show me the Honda Odyssey commercial one more time but my television is being one temperamental little bitch tonight and totally disses me. I won't forget about this, Mr. TV. Not by a long shot, bitch.
Molly and Carol are walking down the street. Carol's telling Molly that there's going to be another Celebrity Boxing show on TV which they both giggle over. Nancy looks like she already got in the ring with Danny Bonaduce because she's positively beastly in this episode. Carol says that the featured bout will be RuPaul vs. Squiggy, which has got to be much meaner than anything I've ever written in this space because Squiggy is suffering from multiple sclerosis and is like near death or something and RuPaul would beat that poor guy's ass to a pulp and who wants to have "Was thoroughly trashed by a transvestite on national television" on their tombstone? I'll tell you what....not me! So anyway, they're giggling about their little dig on Squiggy when they see Jim and his wife walking through the park like young lovers. Jim's wife looks...well...she's not as hot as Molly. And, you know, for me that's saying a lot. Molly looks like she's been socked in the gut by RuPaul and Carol tries to get her out of there. Molly says she wishes she hadn't seen that, which were my exact sentiments after watching Mulholland Drive.
Over at the Stuckey Bowl, Ed's asking Carol how Molly's doing. Carol says she's okay, she's tough. Ed says speaking of tough, Phil accidentally gave him the plastic piece of pie again. Ed yells for Phil to come get this plastic display pie and Phil says not now, he's busy. Phil runs over to Shirley and Kenny at the shoe counter and says Frankenhomie's on his way and asks Shirley if she's ready. Shirley doesn't know what to do. Phil explains it one more time. Basically, he's built a "Mousetrap"-like contraption where she drops a ball bearing in a shoe that then hits a vacuum tube, blah blah blah and then a sign that says, "Hi Frankenhomie!" pops up. Frankenhomie walks in and Kenny tells Phil and Shirley to stay there. Kenny walks over to Frankie and asks him if he has a woman in his life. He doesn't because he's shy. Kenny says that Shirley's shy too, and maybe Frankie may want to talk to Shirley sometime. Kenny says, "She'd like that," which drudges up that whole mental image of Shirley riding the Frankenhomie like an over-the-top amateur porn movie. Frankie walks over to Shirley and Shirley puts the ball bearing in the shoe. The entire contraption falls to pieces as soon as she does it, leaving everyone staring at each other blankly.
Jim's at the Smiling Goat when Molly walks in. Jim wants to know what the deal is and Molly says that she doesn't want him. Jim's confused and Molly says that as much as she wants him to leave his wife, he can't do that. Therefore, she can't see him anymore. Jim wonders if she's breaking up with him and she says she is. And tells him goodbye. She hugs him and he can't believe he's been dumped by Molly Hudson. Man. Talk about a blow to a guy's self esteem. The only thing worse than that could be a job as a traveling bowling alley paraphernalia salesman. So I guess this is the last we see of Jim. Farewell Jimbo. We hardly knew ye. But what we did know of ye made us want to puke up blood.
Back at her house, Molly's sobbing like a shark's ripping her legs to shreds. The doorbell rings and a gorilla is standing there with a GorillaGram. The gorilla places a boom box on the table and out blasts the karaoke version of "YMCA." The gorilla starts singing about how Jim's a special guy, but she did the right thing and he's got a wife and she left him high and dry and a buncha crap that's supposed to make her feel better but man...I just don't get it. I'd be beating the crap outta the gorilla for even bringing up the sore subject. The gorilla removes its head and it's...Ed. Naturally. They hug and Molly asks if he shouldn't be at the gymnasium right now. Ed says yeah and he's got to be skedaddling but he had time to come over and cheer up his buddy and that was pretty important. Dammit. Let 'em kiss. Let Ed and Molly just get it ONNNN. Let them be a visual interpretation of a Marvin Gaye tune. These two horndogs deserve it.
So Shirley's at the alley and Frankenhomie walks up. They don't say a word to each other as usual. Finally, Frankie speaks up and hits her with the icebreaker of all icebreakers: "How you doin'?" Shirley responds with "Itchy." Frankie walks away, and Shirley beams because she finally said something. Kenny and Phil are watching and Kenny asks Phil, "How cute was that?" Phil gives it a seven...cuter than a chimp wearing overalls but not as cute as a hobo mouse with all its belonging tied to a stick. Me? I'd give it a six...cuter than a naked baby urinating on a VCR but not as cute as the baby getting electrocuted in the process.
Ed and Molly are sipping tea. Ed's STILL bitching about Richard Reid. Molly asks, "The shoe bomber?" and Ed says no, the guy that scored the winning goal in that game fifteen years ago that even people who don't watch Ed are getting sick of hearing about. Molly starts babbling about how when you cut open a tree and it's got all these rings inside and how you can look at those rings and see how some of the years were good ones and some were bad ones but they're all rings and the rings make up the trees. Ed says that Richard Reid has no bad rings in his tree and he never misses foul shots or sees his lover with her husband in a park and never breaks down and has to eat an entire rib roast to soothe his nerves. They talk about trees some more, really fast and really boring. My God. I rewound the tape several times to listen to it over and over again and it's the most nonsensical analogy to life that I've ever heard. I cannot bring myself to transcribe it here. I apologize. If this offends you in anyway, for chrissakes....you aren't missing much. Trust me.
At the gymnasium, Ed's sitting quietly in the locker room, psyching himself up. Irv walks in and announces that everyone's ready. The crowd's chanting, "Eddie! Eddie!" as Ed walks into the gym. The announcers are saying how Ed's trying to erase the biggest mistake of his life (short of walking in and finding his wife schlepping the mailman). Ed steps up to the foul line. Everything starts going in slow motion. Richard Reid is acting like an ass, saying things like, "You like Molly Hudson, you queer!" to him, trying to make him screw up so Rich can roll around in fifty $100 bills. Ed takes the shot and purposefully throws the basketball over the backboard. He's out five grand. People are hollering at him and calling him a bum. Molly walks down to console Ed. "Nice shot," she says. "You'd better know what you're talking about," he says. This has something to do with that whole tree analogy from the last scene that was about as confusing as waking up from a coma to hear that Ozzy Osbourne's the biggest TV star of the moment.
I HATED this episode. From the stupid basketball crap to the stupid Molly crap to the stupid Shirley crap...everything about it sucked. Even Nancy looked like shit warmed over. The West Wing thing was slightly amusing and the commercials weren't bad. Other than that I resented the fact that I had to watch it not once, but twice and then had to recap it to boot. There's three more episodes left in the season. If they don't pick up soon, I'm willing to bet they're the three last episodes ever. Arrgh. I've gotta go crush a kitten or something to get me outta this funk. See ya week.