So we're in The Bowl. Ed's working on a pinsetter while Mike eats lunch and pesters the hell out of Ed. Mike wants Ed's opinion as to what is the greatest foodstuff known to mankind. Without hesitation, Ed blurts, "Grapes," on the grounds that they're plump, delicious, and when you pop them in your mouth, you're living, baby. The same could be said for my 1980 prom date Stacey Tanner's luscious boobies. Man. I'll tell you what, that gal could do more things with her...uhhh...so anyway, Mike disagrees, and says that in his opinion, bacon is the greatest foodstuff known to mankind. This is a doctor, giving the thumbs-up to one of the most notorious artery-cloggers ever. No wonder the guy has so much time to sit around a bowling alley and talk about food: there's not a person in Stuckeyville that trusts his medical opinion. Ed and Mike argue a bit about bacon until Mike decides to change the subject, asking Ed what he thinks about "the big move." Ed asks what big move they are talking about. Mike says he's referring to the move Jackass has been putting on Carol lately, including the major move, into Chez Vessey. Ed has no opinion on the big move, but you can tell it bugs him like lukewarm mashed potatoes in his underwear. I mean, that may feel good for a few minutes, possibly warm you up on a crisp winter's morn, but it's not something you'd want in your Jockeys all day long. Mike can't believe Ed has no opinion. He then says, "Wait a sec...do you hear that whistle?" Ed asks what whistle, and Mike says, "It's the Carol train, leaving the station." Ed gives Mike that semi-disgusted "why you!" look that he seems to be giving Mike more and more these days, and we're off and running.
Clem Snide welcomes us all to the show with their rendition of "Two Alley Cats Humping Their Brains Out In A Dumpster Full Of Broken Glass." My only hope is that if Ed is renewed for a third season, the producers get the rights to something a little less painful for an opening theme -- like Bob Dylan doing "Helter Skelter" or something.
Commercials. Jesus Herbert Christ, the bald doctor from ER is still alive. That bastard's getting to be like Wile E. Coyote. Every week, I see commercials that the guy's deader than Elvis, yet every week, he's right back in the commercials. Dear Lord, I don't ask for much because, frankly, I don't deserve much. But if you could see it in your heart to strike that bald guy from ER dead so I don't have to watch these sad commercials anymore, I promise to be your slave or servant or whatever it is you're looking for. Thank you Lord. You da man.
Jackass and Carol are walking through the halls over at the school. Carol's starting mock arguments with Jackass in order to prepare them both for "The Big Move." Carol's saying that Jackass left the cap off the toothpaste again. Jackass points out that Carol left the seat up. Carol says that's no good, because women leave the seat down; Jackass admits that he's no good at mock arguing. Well, gee whiz, Sergeant Obvious, it's kind of tough to hold up your end of a conversation when you've slammed a bottle of Jägermeister before school, you lush. All of a sudden, this kid walks into Jackass (or Jackass stumbled drunkenly into him -- one or the other) and says, "Sorry, my man!" Jackass asks, "My man?" because he's drunk and doesn't completely understand English right now. The kid corrects himself: "How about 'my main man'?" Jackass suggests that the kid call him Mr. Martino. The kid counters by telling Jackass he can call him Dr. Fontana, because it will help Jackass score with the chicks. Jackass notices the kid's shirt, which reads "Ass Kicks Ass"; he tells the kid that the shirt's inappropriate, and that Jackass doesn't want the kid wearing it in school. The kid agrees, takes off the shirt, and walks away, asking Jackass to turn the heat up, because it's a bit chilly in the school. Jackass clearly has a weisenheimer on his hands and doesn't like it one bit. He mentions to Carol that all of a sudden he's Sidney Poitier in To Sir With Love. Carol says, "I'll call you Mr. Tibbs" in her best Sidney Poitier voice, but she sounds more like Rosie O'Donnell trying to pass an eight-pound turd.
Back at The Bowl, Ed's in his office when an elderly woman comes in, needing his help. Her name is Mrs. Shroeder, and her husband Ricky died six years earlier. Their forty-fifth wedding anniversary was coming up, and she wanted to make some photo albums for her family members. You know, as if family members would give two shits about a photo album full of old photos of a dead guy. But you know old people: once they get it in their fragile heads that they're going to do something, no matter how trivial it may be, there's just no stopping them. They're like machines at this point. Drooling, dawdling, Depends-soaking machines. So anyway, Mrs. Shroeder decided to use the local Foto Farm to get copies of her pictures made. Well, wouldn't you know it? Foto Farm goes and loses every single one of her pictures. Threw them all out in the trash. Every photo this woman ever had of her husband is now in a landfill in Jersey with seagulls tearing the photos apart with their sharpened beaks. Now Granny wants to sue Foto Farm for one billion dollars. Damn. Sounds like somebody's been scoping out the new diamond-encrusted Depends at Tiffany's of Stuckeyville.
Back at school, Warren and MegaMark are hanging out at Warren's locker, shootin' the shit about a new reality game-show idea of Warren's, in which contestants actually run the risk of death while playing. Hey, I'm all for it. You bet your sweet ass I'd tune in each week to see some poor schmoe bite the grill of a speeding freight train at full force. Diane walks around the corner and sees the guys, and Warren gets more nervous than a priest filling out the application for a Cub Scout leader position. Diane and Warren make the kind of small talk that would leave roaches squirming in discomfort before Diane awkwardly walks away. MegaMark waits for Diane to round the corner before he says, "What in the Uncle Bob was that?" Warren hides his face in shame, and admits that he doesn't understand why he's suddenly become a babbling dweeb around Diane, either, but that it's been this way ever since he kissed her in church. MegaMark asks what they've been doing in the two weeks since the kiss, and Warren says they spent the first week hemming and the second week hawing. But he's really looking forward to the third week when he might get a little "ho"-ing. Get it?! "Ho"-ing? Like sex?! Man! Sometimes I just don't know how I come up with this stuff! I'm serious!
Jackass busts all up in the teacher's lounge, carrying a poster freshly ripped from the wall, wanting to know whether the punk with whom he had the confrontation earlier is actually Paul Fontana, the guy on the poster who's running for class president. Molly tells Jackass that Paul Fontana is the class president, and Carol says he's been class president ever since he came to high school. Jackass wants to know how this yahoo idiot got to be class president. Lemme get this straight: Jackass is the principal of this school, yet he had no idea who the class president is? This guy makes Ozzy look intelligent. Carol tells Jackass that Paul Fontana always beats everyone else because he runs on the "Party party" ticket, and that all the kids go "woohoo!" when he does his speeches, and that makes everyone vote for him. Meanwhile, the words "yahoo idiot" make Molly's mind wander off like a toddler in a toy store as she wonders whatever happened to Yahoo Serious. That's a good question. I'm sure it's the same question Yahoo Serious asks himself every morning when he rolls over in bed and reaches for the bong on his nightstand. ["I'm not sure Yahoo Serious can afford weed these days." -- Wing Chun]
Over at The Bowl, Ed's walking around with a camcorder, videotaping all his buddies. Carol wants to know why he's doing this, and Ed explains about Granny Shroeder and how the loss of her photos made him start thinking that he's not ready to let the past go, either. His future is complete and utter shit, since his dream girl is moving in with his arch-nemesis. Nobody really wants to be videotaped, which is understandable, because Ed's really gone off the deep end lately, and none of them can be completely sure that he's not going to take this videotape back to his place, pop it in the VCR, and start slapping his weasel around while he stares lustily at his screen. It kinda makes you think that he...he...huh? Wait a second. Wait just a damned second here. Rewind that tape, Junior. No...no. Past the Yahoo Serious crap. Back to...back.... Yeah. Right there. Lemme see. Diane walks away, Warren falls against his locker, and MegaMark says, "What in the Uncle Bob was that?" Holy freakin' sheep shit! Sweet Mother of God! I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm a fairly intelligent guy, but I think I need confirmation, here. Was that a legitimate, in-your-face shout-out?! Did MegaMark, my chubby-cheeked hero, just mention my name on national television in a phrase that made absolutely no sense? Rewind it again. He did! Rewind it one more time. He did it again! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I implore you to keep one thing in mind when you head back to that jury room: My goofy ass was just acknowledged by MegaMark on national television! Do you know what this means?! Do you have any idea what this shout-out means?! It means I'm an official pop-culture icon now. My name has been made part of a phrase uttered by cool nerds on a television show that NBC refers to as "Must See TV." It means...it means...it means I'm on the same level as Yahoo Serious now. Christ. Way to burst my bubble, guys. Seriously, thanks to the writers and creators of the show, Jon and Rob. You made an old man's night. Now gimme a job writing for the show and you can make my life. Seriously. I can turn Ed around and make it an unstoppable ratings juggernaut with one novel concept: full-frontal Nancy nudity. Drop me an email. We'll do cyberlunch.
Where was I?! Oh yes: reeling from the excitement of having my name casually mentioned on a television show. I don't expect you to understand this excitement unless you're Yahoo Serious. And if that's the case...damn! Yahoo Serious reads my recaps! No, wait...before that...oh, yeah, Ed was videotaping everyone in the bowling alley. Yeah. Well, they're not impressed and Ed's all giddy about it. There ya go.
In the hallway at school, Diane's going through her locker when Warren walks up. Warren is so nervous, he makes Don Knotts look heavily sedated. He asks Diane if she's going to the assembly. Yes, she is. He starts talking about how amazing that church was the other day, rambling on and on about the architecture of the church. Diane politely stands there and lets him ramble for a change instead of interrupting him with a sour, biting remark. Warren asks whether she remembers that he kissed her. She does. I guess it's kinda hard to forget when the school geek licks your lips in the middle of a church service in which everyone's on their feet screaming and clapping and the preacher's screaming at the geek to kiss you in front of everyone. Diane asks Warren whether he has something he might want to say. He asks her if she has something to say. They go back and forth with this. Finally, Diane excuses herself to go to class and Warren asks her if she'd like to grab a burger at some point. She says sure. Warren shoots. He scores.
Over at The Goat, Ed's still videotaping people. I don't remember much about the movie Sex, Lies, and Videotape since I was pretty strung out on 'ludes when I watched it, but wasn't this the same premise? A guy goes around videotaping babes and eventually gets laid? If that's the case, then maybe we can expect Ed to be doing the horizontal cha-cha-cha with Carol by the end of the season. Wait. I spoke too soon. As Ed pans around the table of pals, right after Carol he zeroes in on Jackass. Immediately, Ed feels like a complete and utter dick and shuts off the camera, waiting for Jackass's inevitable sarcastic remarks to make him feel like an even bigger dick. Jackass asks what's with the camera, and Ed looks like a little kid trying to explain to the principal that his dog ate his report card. Ed says that he's trying to capture the past. Jackass says, "But this is the present." Ed says he knows that, but today's present is tomorrow's past and he's trying to capture the past before it slips away from him. He then looks at Carol; Carol's eyes lock on Ed's, and maybe -- just maybe -- they will be doing the horizontal cha-cha-cha after all.
Commercials. Oh, wow. Applebee's has a new steak: the Uncle Bob steak. It's nice to see that they're capitalizing on this unstoppable new fad early on. Personally, I think they should have gone with a dish like the Uncle Shish KeBob, but it's okay. They just want to strike while the iron's hot. I understand completely. When you're an out-of-control ego-driven pop-culture icon like myself, you tend to overlook the mistakes of the little people and concentrate on the bigger pictures. I wouldn't expect someone like you to understand this. And yes, I overlook your mistakes.
So anyway, at the assembly, Jackass introduces the first candidate for senior-class president, Lauren Petrosky. That may not have been the actual name he gave. It was something like that. I'm Uncle Bob. I don't have time to get the names of the little people right...remember? So, Lauren steps up to the microphone and tells the student body that she would really like to be their class president. A smattering of applause ushers her back to her seat. is Tahib Something. I think he's an Indian kid. He walks to the microphone and says, "Hello to you." An even smaller and more confused smattering of applause follows him back to his seat. is Paul Fontana. The students erupt in mad applause as Andrew W.K.'s "Party Hard" blares from the speakers and Paul punches the air above him with his fists. The students are going absolutely ape-shit. It's as if I stepped out on the stage or something. Paul introduces himself and says that he's a member of the Party party, and that he believes it's their God-given right to parrr-tayyyy. Paul struts back to his chair and slouches down in it just like all cool kids sit. Jackass tells the students they can leave what must be the shortest school assembly ever held. I've had orgasms that lasted longer than this did. But wait: Jackass forgot something. There's one more candidate for senior-class president: Jackass himself. Paul looks confused. Lauren and Tahib look like they just mentally threw in the towel. Jackass then excuses everyone to leave and they file out, looking like shell-shocked war veterans.
Back at Ed's office, the owner of Foto Farm, his scumbag lawyer, and Mrs. Shroeder are all in there with Ed. The lawyer is apologizing for Foto Farm's negligence in throwing out every single damned picture of her husband that this woman had; to make up for it, they're prepared to give her a whopping $2,000 and a year's worth of free film and developing. Wow! With all that, she could afford a new refrigerator and a new camera to take pictures of the chair her husband would be sitting in if he wasn't already dead. Sheesh. Even I'm offended by this offer. Ed explains that this woman has nothing left to show of her forty-five-year marriage, and it clicks with me. Earlier in the show, the old bag said that her husband died six years ago. That must be a blooper. If that were the case, their marriage would have only lasted thirty-nine years; if she were planning to make scrapbooks to commemorate his death, it probably would have been done to coincide with their fortieth anniversary, and not their forty-fifth. I'm guessing the actress meant to say six months, six weeks, six days ago...but not six years ago. Trust me on this one. It's the first blooper I've ever spotted on the show, if you overlook the whole warped sense of time thing that the show employs. And it stands as further proof that old people have no business acting. I say we take a Logan's Run-like stance with old actors. If they manage to live past, say, forty, then they get their SAG cards taken away. No actors over forty. That's my proposal. Take it or leave it, Hollywood. I'm a busy guy with lotsa proposals to be making. I'll give you some time to mull it over and get back with you on it. Anyway, Ed says that Foto Farm's offer isn't good enough, and that he's got a different figure for them. He hands the lawyer a piece of paper with a 1 and about a hundred zeroes behind it. The lawyer does his evil-lawyer smirk and tells Mrs. Shroeder that her lawyer just cost her two grand. They leave. The senile old wart thanks Ed, and Ed assures her that they'll be back. What? He's Arnie Schwarzenegger all of a sudden?
We jet over to Jackass's office. Paul Fontana enters. He's a bit perturbed. He wants to know what the hell Jackass is doing, and tells him that he can't run for senior-class president because he's not a student. Jackass says, "You'd think that, wouldn't you, Miss Vessey?" Carol stands there like the creepy little toadie she's become and says, "You'd think that." Man. It's a good thing Paul Fontana didn't just Hulk out and rip her limb from limb. Just when you thought they couldn't get a character any more smug than Jackass himself, Carol takes the cake and smears it all over her smugger mug. Jackass points out that nowhere in the student handbook does it say that only students may run for class president; that's why Jackass has thrown his hat in the ring. He says it's a heckuva loophole, isn't it, Miss Vessey? Carol chirps, "Heckuva loophole." I'm telling you, at that point I started kicking at my TV screen with a fury that I usually reserve for infomercials and Corey Feldman movies. Sadly, I was about twelve feet away from the TV at the time, and even though I'm a tall drink of water, my legs aren't twelve feet long. Although I do have an appendage that's twelve inches long. (My foot, you buncha perverts! Sheesh!) Uhhhh...so Fontana's pissed and says he's still going to kick the principal's ass, because there's no way the students are going to vote for the principal as class president. I hate to sound like an old fogey here, but if I had busted into the principal's office when I was in high school and told the principal I was going to kick his ass, my ass woulda been in military school the day, doing push-ups in the pouring rain while a drill sergeant stood over me calling me a flat-assed pansy. Fontana storms out of the office, and Jackass says that Fontana can't be right, because all the students love Jackass. Carol corrects Jackass, saying that all the students hate him. Jackass thinks about it for a second and agrees, "That's right. They all hate me."
Back at The Goat, Warren and Diane are enjoying their meal. Uhhh..."enjoying" may be too kind a word. They both look like they're being penetrated by a couple of defective butt plugs while they eat the cheapest things on the menu. Warren's rambling on and on about french fries and how he's fallen out of love with the curly fry. He babbles non-stop for a while about french fries and finally asks Diane if they're on a date. Diane doesn't know, and asks him the same thing. Warren says it feels weird, because usually they'd be fighting or something, and now he's all nervous, like his parents are standing at the foot of his bed and loudly evaluating one of his many masturbation sessions. Warren and Diane finally come to the conclusion that this is, in fact, a date. Except they have no idea how to tell whether it's a good date or a bad date. Here's a little tip for ya, Warren, from pop-culture icon Uncle Bob: a good date ends with both people smiling. A bad date ends with the male behind bars and the woman going to counseling for several years afterward. There are no in-betweens, Bucko.
Meanwhile, Ed has stopped over at the Burton residence with his camcorder. Mike opens the door, and Ed yells like a guy falling out of a plane. Mike calls out for Nancy to call the special doctors, because Ed's officially gone nuts. Ed's grinning like Luke Helder as he explains that he's reliving the first day when he came back to Stuckeyville; in case they didn't notice, he's been videotaping everything for the past while. Mike says that he and Nancy have noticed. Ed says he's ready to kick it up a notch. Nancy says, "This is getting weird, Emeril," and Ed says that he's recording all of his greatest Stuckeyville moments for posterity so that he'll always have them handy. So Ed's trying to get Mike and Nancy to play along and act like they did the very first time Ed saw them again. He walks back out the door and yells again, the same way he did before. Mike doesn't respond. Ed tells Mike he hasn't exactly nailed it, and tries it again. Ed enters and screams again; finally, we hear the strains of Evil Baby Sara screaming for Satan's minions to finish pillaging her evil baby soul. It's a sad commentary on our society that we as Americans don't do more for fictitious babies who are possessed by the dark lord. Nancy says, "Oh good, I was missing Sara" in a tone that would lead the viewer at home to think she was being sarcastic; she excuses herself to go take care of the baby Ed's awakened. Mike tells Ed it's time they had a father-son chat, so they're going out on the back porch with some ice-cold beers. Ed asks if he's going to be the son, and Mike confirms that's the case.
Outside the Goat, Diane and Warren are thanking each other for about as lovely a night as these two dweebs could muster for each other. You can tell Diane wants to get a cheap hotel room where they can do the bang-bang all night long, but Warren hems, haws, then kisses her on the forehead and walks away to his car, leaving her standing in front of the Goat like a cut-rate hooker.That Warren. He's about as smooth as sandpaper.
Out on the back porch, Mike and Ed are talking about Ed's most recent lapse into insane behavior. Mike thinks Ed's putting a lot of energy forth to focus on his past. Ed thinks it's natural for people to try to recapture their memories. Mike brings up the whole $5,000 foul-shot fiasco of an episode. It's good to see that "The Shot" served a purpose beyond just pissing me off severely; it actually served as the beginning of a story arc revolving around Ed's end-of-the-season mental breakdown. Mike thinks all this "recapturing the past" shit is because Carol's moving in with Jackass. Ed says that Mike's a one-trick pony, and Mike says that's okay as long as it's a good trick. Which reminds me: I got a shout-out tonight on the show. Okay, that didn't really remind me of the shout-out; I just thought it'd been a while since I mentioned it.
Commercials. Holy Mary, Mother of God...it's that damned bald guy from ER again. Seriously. I'm putting a bounty on that bald bastard's hairless pate. Twenty bucks. Cash. If you can be personally responsible for me never having to see this commercial again, I'll pay you twenty bucks. That's four hundred nickels, kids. That should help you realize just how serious I am.
Carol's excusing her class because it's 1:15: time for her daily dose of Jackass Jizz. An old man walks in, and Carol momentarily freaks out. It's Mr. Emerson, the school's superintendent. He wants Carol to have a talk with Jackass over this whole "running for student president" malarkey. Carol tries to stick up for the Jackass by saying that Paul Fontana has no business being class president. Mr. Emerson says that he's dealing with pissed-off parents about this, and that Jackass may have his heart in the right place, but his methods of solving the problem are unconventional. Carol says that people think he's unconventional because he is unconventional, and that's what makes him good at his job. Emerson says that he doesn't want anything "bad" to happen to either Carol or Jackass, which sounds like a threat to me. Sound like a threat to you, Pepe? Sounded like a threat to Pepe, too. The school superintendent just threatened the Jackass's old lady. I smell me an old-fashioned rumble brewing. Carol just nods her head like the little toadie bitch she is, and Emerson leaves.
Over at the Goat, Carol and Jackass are talking about the threat. Jackass says that Emerson's a baby, and that if he has a problem with Jackass, he should bring it on instead of going through Jackass's toadie bitch? Carol says she's worried about Jackass losing his job (an ominous foreshadowing of the season finale?!), and Jackass tells her not to worry about it. Jackass is going to stay in this election; if nobody likes it, screw 'em. Let him get fired. The only way he's dropping out is if someone steps up and tells him it's wrong. He asks Carol whether she thinks he's wrong, and she says no. Damn. This woman is more whipped than the Marquis de Sade. Carol's blind to this arrogant asshole's actions, and she needs some superhero to step forward and rescue her. Some superhero whose name begins with "Ed." Maybe Ed-Man. Or Ed-Guy. Somebody like that.
Back at The Bowl, Warren walks up to MegaMark, who is bowling. Warren is his usual obnoxious self, and MegaMark barely pays attention to him. MegaMark rolls his ball and tells Warren he doesn't know what to say: he's been at a loss for words ever since Warren told MegaMark that Warren kissed Diane on the forehead. Warren admits that he's an idiot, but that with Diane, it's different than it has been with the other hot spastic chicks in his past. Warren's floundering. He asks MegaMark what he should do. MegaMark says he's not sure, but that it'd better be amazing. MegaMark kisses Warren on the forehead, and Warren gives him an "Ewwww!" MegaMark leaves while Warren begs and pleads for him not to. Which makes me flash back to every single relationship I ever had with a woman in the past -- me on my knees begging them not to walk away. Except my girlfriends were slightly bigger than the MegaMan.
Carol sits down at the Goat with Nancy, Molly, and Ed. They ask where Jackass is, and she says he's at home, preparing his speech for the upcoming assembly. Molly asks whether Jackass is still going to run; Carol says he is, and that she's proud of him. Ed glares. Carol says that if it were her, she would have folded like a cheap pup tent. Ed corrects her -- "folded like a pup tent" -- because pup tents are meant to fold, whether they're cheap or not. Carol says that Jackass doesn't care what people think of him, and that the only thing that matters to him is staying true to himself. Ed looks like he's about to puke a Buick. "Say what you will about the guy," Carol says. "But he's got integrity." Ed pipes up, "And extremely white hair." Carol's taken aback, and Ed points out that her boyfriend looks like he's eighty-five years old. The other gals snicker politely, glad that somebody else finally pointed out the fact that Carol's boyfriend looks like her father. Ed reminds Carol that she instructed them to say what they will about him, and he said what he willed. Carol gives Ed a playful seductive look, like, "Bitch, you best not be talkin' about my man dat way," and Ed gives her a look back, like, "Toadie...you better recognize!" Meanwhile, I got so excited that I turned my baseball cap around and started flashing gang signs at my TV screen.
Diane's walking to her locker; she discovers a note taped to the front. She opens it up and reads it: "D, Meet me in my basement tonight at 8:00. An Odyssey of the senses awaits. W." She scrolls down the page and it continues, "P.S. That 'W' is for 'Warren,' just in case it wasn't clear from the context. W. (Warren)." Diane grins a sly grin and makes a mental note to freshen up before heading over to Warren's for an evening of unbridled geek passion.
At the assembly, Molly's introducing the four candidates for student president. Up first is Paul Fontana who receives an ovation of a magnitude usually reserved for a superstar like Neil Diamond. Paul says that as the founder of the "Party party," he has only one word for the student body. And that word isn't "hearty" or "smartie" or the name "Marty" or his favorite cheese, Havarti. That one word is "party!" If you vote for him, he will give everyone a party. The crowd erupts in cheers. up is Principal Jackass. The students are deadly silent until someone breaks the silence, "You suck!" which gets chuckles from everyone in attendance. Jackass starts his speech with the ever-popular "You're all pathetic." Yeah. Way to win an election, pal. Sounds like somebody graduated cum laude from the Dan Quayle School of Political Missteps. Jackass starts screaming that he's a jackass. And that while Fontana has been partying it up for seventeen years, Jackass has been going strong for forty-one years. Applause. He's been partying since before Fontana was born. More applause -- louder this time. In fact, Jackass snorted so much coke in the '80s that it turned his hair white. The crowd erupts in pandemonium as the applause overshadows Fontana's whooping. Jackass then says the word "Jackass" about 1,392 more times and concludes, "Vote for me, because I'm twice the jackass this guy will ever be." It's nice to know the guy can...uhhhh...take a ribbing from us here on the internet who have dubbed him Principal Jackass. I...uhhhhh...I'm a little nervous now, wondering if my home address will be given out during week's episode. , Tahib gets up and does some intense unintelligible jabbering that I had to keep rewinding and finally turn on my Closed Captioning to understand that he was saying, "I would like to talk to you about a really fantastic bake sale." The students are enraptured by the kid's voice. Either that, or their heads are aching from listening to his psychobabble.
As the students file out of the assembly, Jackass walks over to Carol, who gives him a thumbs-up on his performance. She's standing there grinning at him, and he asks what's up. She says she's just so in love with him. He returns the sentiment, and they hug, right in front of the other teachers and students. I can't help thinking we're not going to have Principal Jackass to kick around much more. Unless he gets fired and Ed hires him as the new Snack Bar boy. Then Ed can make him do all sorts of humiliating things like actually eat the hot dogs in the wiener warmer or something crazy like that.
Ed and Mike are walking down the street as Ed videotapes the people of Stuckeyville. Mike says that if Ed's trying to recapture all the moments of Ed's return to Stuckeyville, he should just be filming Carol, because she's the reason Ed came back in the first place. He should be filming their kiss at the pond or the time he showed up in her classroom wearing a suit of armor. Mike's getting an unhealthy kick out of this when Ed spots Jackass walking out of a jewelry store. This ain't cool. Knowing Jackass and his recent lapse into alcoholism, the boys rush to the jewelry store, fully expecting to see the elderly owners bound and gagged with the cash register drawer wide open and empty. Alas, it's business as usual inside. A suave gentleman behind the counter asks if he can help the two lads. Ed decides to be cool in his questioning to see if he can worm some information out of the dapper old fart. He asks if they sell many diamonds this time of year, and the guy says yes. He asks if he's sold any recently, and the guy says yes. Ed asks who was the last person to buy a diamond in the store and the guy points out another man in the store. Ed asks who the second-to-the-last guy was. Mike gets tired of this line of questioning and gets to the point: did a man by the name of Jack Ass just come in and buy a diamond? The jeweler says yes; Jack just bought a stunning diamond ring. Ed looks like he's choking. Jackass is going to ask Carol to marry him!
Commercials. I may need to call off my bounty. Apparently, the bald guy on ER has, in fact, died. I repeat...the bald guy on ER is dead. The twenty-dollar bounty has been rewarded to the producers of ER, who will be receiving the bounty in spare change whenever I get around to collecting that much dough.
Diane is walking down the stairs to Warren's basement, which Warren has decorated like a whorehouse for the blind. There's an awful lot of red cloth and Christmas lighting everywhere, and it looks like he's hung bowling trophys from the ceiling. Warren's sitting on his couch like Don Juan DeMarco wearing a mask across his eyes. I can't imagine any living person coming across as less seductive. And the only dead one I can imagine is the late great host of TV's Password, Allen Ludden. Warren bids Diane hello, and she says, "Hello, Batman." Warren welcomes her into his realm and starts tossing rose petals on the floor, saying that every one of her footfalls shall rest on rose petals. And if he runs out of those, he has a backup plan involving styrofoam peanuts. This turns Diane on, and he asks her to sit on the uncomfortable, scarf-covered sofa with him. He offers her an oyster, but they're the shriveled-up dried kind, from a can. Warren and Diane each snack on an oyster as Warren says that he knows things have been weird between them lately, but that he wants to put it all behind them and make out. Warren tries to kiss Diane, and she asks him to remove the mask first. She removes her glasses, and reveals that she's not the raving beauty I thought she'd be without the glasses. Maybe it's the hair. I'm sure it's the hair. I guess I'm just not into gals who look like Jesse Jackson. Diane and Warren kiss, and she says it feels forced. Warren says he knows what she's saying, takes a five-second break, and then goes after it again. He admits after a few kisses that it's just not working. He tried to make this a romantic evening and blew it. He's blaming it on his billowy shirt. Diane says it's not the shirt, but they can't quite put their finger on why they're not naked and on position #23 on Warren's list of compromising positions by now.
Ed's in The Bowl after hours, cleaning up, when Warren walks in. Warren says that he needs some counseling on some affairs of the heart. Ed wonders aloud whether Warren really wants Ed's advice, since Ed's technically a bigger loser than Warren. Warren's kissed four different women over the last two seasons to Ed's three. Warren doesn't have much choice as to who gives him advice, since he couldn't get through to Loveline. Warren says he'd give his left leg for five seconds of Adam Carolla's time. He's telling Ed about how awkward he is with Diane. (Big shocker there.) Ed asks what he's doing with Diane, anyway; Warren says she's the coolest girl he knows, and that she's his best friend. Ed says that if they're best friends, maybe they should just stay that way, and that they're not meant to be romantically involved. Warren asks, if it is meant to be, will it just work its way out? Ed says no; if it's meant to be, Warren should do everything in his power to make sure it doesn't slip away. Ed then goes into a deep trance, setting off something in his brain that tells him he has to do everything in his power not to let Carol marry Jackass. This freaks Warren out, because Ed's just slipped into a paralyzing daydream state. Warren tells Ed that he needs to get some sleep, and leaves. Ed stands there and thinks about what he just said. It's time to win Carol over. But he just doesn't know how to go about doing it. And he hasn't completely ruled out excessive force at gunpoint.
Carol walks into Jackass's office to tell him it's time to announce the winners of the school election. Jackass sarcastically says he's on pins and needles. Molly's voice comes over the intercom to announce that the new president of the student body is...Tahib. Vice-president is Lauren. Secretary/Treasurer is Jackass. Paul Fontana runs in all out of breath to congratulate Jackass and ask if maybe Jackass would give him the position of Secretary/Treasurer. Fontana figures that since Jackass is the principal and all, he probably has enough on his plate. Jackass gives it a thought and tells the kid no. Jackass didn't do this to teach the kid a lesson; he did it to piss the kid off. Wow. Now that's one messed-up thing for a principal to tell a student. I can smell the bourbon on the guy's breath in my living room. Meanwhile, Carol's standing by her man with her arms folded across her chest, all defiant and shit. The kid is shocked, and Jackass tells him that when he starts to take himself seriously, other people will take him seriously, too. The kid leaves, and Carol and Jackass enjoy their little power trip like a couple of Nazi dictators.
Carol's in her classroom, reading the poem "Gather Ye Rosebuds While Ye May" to her students. MegaMark speaks up and says that if this is a poem, he will beat himself unconscious with a rock. Everyone gets a kick out of the MegaMan's threat to bloody himself for their amusement. Just then, Ed bursts in through the door in his suit of armor. He begins reliving the "romantic" moment that he first experienced in the show's initial episode, to Carol's horror. I guess it was cute the first time; this time it's annoying as hell. Naturally, Ed brought along his camcorder to complete the trifecta of cute -- the suit of armor, his charming delivery, and the camcorder. Carol quickly ushers him out into the hall as even Warren groans at how pathetic this attempt at wooing Carol turned out.
Out in the hallway, Carol tells Ed she thinks there's something seriously wrong with him. Ed insists that he's just trying to preserve cherished memories. Carol asks why he's doing this; he thinks for a second, and says that when he did it the first time, it was one of the greatest moments of his life, and that if he doesn't get it on video, that moment will be gone forever. It will never live on. It wasn't documented on film or video or anything. It's like it never happened. Carol says that's not true and you can see it -- you can see it -- she's beginning to have doubts about not running off with Ed. It's all over her face. Ed says, "Sure it's true," hands her the flowers to give out to her students for extra credit, and turns to leave. Love her or hate her, Ed and Carol would be the best couple in the whole world if she could just let her guard down and hump a nice guy every now and then rather than her string o' jackasses.
Ed's back in his office, deep in thought, when Mrs. Shroeder drags her shriveled ass back in there, saying that Ed wanted to see her. Ed says that the Foto Farm has come back with another offer: this time it's $20,000. Ed thinks it's the best they're going to get. She decides to take the money, because all of her memories are gone and no amount of money is going to ever bring them back. Which makes Ed fall even deeper in thought. Ed kicks her out of the office so that he can pout about his penchant for falling in love with psychos.
On the stairs of the school hallway, MegaMark is carefully walking down the steps when he sees Diane sitting there alone. He sits down to her and literally takes up the rest of the steps. He's gasping and wheezing like he's seconds away from a heart attack as he tells Diane that she and Warren will get through this because they're the perfect couple. Diane wants to know what makes them so perfect. MegaMark says that Warren's the lovesick teenager and she's the down-to-earth smart girl -- it's every teen movie cliché. Diane thinks they're the exception to the cliché, and that when she kisses Warren, it's like she's kissing her little brother, and that's just wrong. Somewhere, Brad Pitt's older sister is cursing her luck. Diane is sure it's her fault that she and Warren aren't working out, and that she's a big loser. MegaMark tells her that she's not a loser -- she's amazing. There's silence as MegaMark looks like he just spat out something he shouldn't have. Diane looks up and their eyes meet and...holy shit...Mark gets this leading-man look on his face and says, "I've always thought you were amazing." My eyes start to tear up as I frantically search for a nearby pillow to hug to my chest as I watch a moment I never thought I'd see happen, like a little girl watching Titanic for the hundredth time. Warren walks into the school, looks up, and sees Diane and Mega getting their mack on like it's nobody's business on the stairs. Students are stepping over them, trying to get to their classes, and these two are engaged in a liplock from hell. Warren squeaks, looks completely lost, and then decides to walk out of the school before MegaMark and Diane see him. I've got to think that Warren will end up being cool with this. I sure hope he will. Because I've never seen a cuter couple. Unless you count Tom Cruise and Mimi Rogers. Damn if they didn't have the cute market cornered in their day.
Meanwhile, Ed's in his office, watching his recently shot videotapes. Carol walks in and asks if she can join him. They're watching the videos when Carol says that a few weeks ago, her Dad invited her to come watch some old home movies that he'd recently had transferred to video, and that it was kinda weird. Because she was sitting there watching the old Carol walking on the boardwalk at the beach, and a strange feeling went over her. "What kind of feeling?" asks Ed. Carol says she felt like a part of her was still back at the beach. She asks if Ed knows what she means, and he says he doesn't. Carol says that no matter what changes, the past is always a part of her. "Well, the past is all well and good," says Ed. "But I've got to start working on my future." Ed looks at Carol. Carol starts to talk, but sees Ed's look and is momentarily frozen. "How do you plan on doing that?" she asks. "I don't know yet," he says. They continue looking at each other when the other's not looking and there's something up. Something is definitely up. I'm not the brightest guy in the world...but something's up. And I guess we'll find out what week.
A great episode. There was no Phil, Kenny, or Shirley. No $10 bet. No musical montage. Yet it was still a great episode and a perfect lead-in to week's finale. The twist with MegaMark and Diane threw me for a loop and had me all weepy. Ed's evident pain in losing Carol to a jackass is overwhelming. Andrew W.K. got another shot at stardom by having his tune featured here. And...well, there was the shout-out. Life is indeed good in Stuckeyville.