Nancy, Mike, Molly, the mysterious Jim, and Ed are bowling. Mike is up. Ed is holding the evil baby Sara in his lap, and he tells Mike and Nancy that the evil baby wants to have a meeting with them. Molly comments on the upcoming "wacky baby hijinks," and I think one of the writers was probably protesting the inclusion of this scene and insisted that line be inserted. Ed squishes the evil baby's cheeks together to make it look like she is talking, using an Edward G. Robinson voice. He has her say that she wants steak for dinner from now on, and that she's sick of Molly and Jim being all lovey-dovey. The scary part is that the evil baby does not move a muscle throughout. How many kids do you know who would let you do that? I think they have her drugged. It's just creepy. Ed hands the evil baby back to Nancy as Carol enters. Ed proclaims that Carol can be on Mike's team. Mike complains that he's already strapped with Nancy. Nancy protests that she's a fine bowler, and Mike retorts, "Who said I was talking about bowling?" Nancy waves goodbye as she says, "Oh, look, honey! There goes what little chance you had of having sex tonight." Okay, heh, but also that was an overshare. Everyone laughs uncomfortably, except Carol. Ed asks her what's wrong. Carol just read in the paper that Larry Parker died. Everyone looks stunned. Mike takes his turn anyway. Everyone look at him. He asks if you're not supposed to bowl after you find out that someone died, and adds that it was his turn. What a doofus.
Terrible, terrible theme song. It makes me depressed.
Carol reads the article in the paper, which explains in great detail that Larry Parker died in a car accident, and that he is survived by his wife and son. Everyone looks sad. Jim asks who Larry Parker was. Ed explains that they all went to high school with the guy, but that Ed hadn't spoken to him since graduation. Neither had Mike. Carol says that she dated Larry's older brother for a few years. Molly asks whether Ed and Mike were in "that geeky band" with Larry, and Nancy remembers it as well. Mike and Ed try to change the subject. Molly guesses that the band's name was either "Youthful Dimensions" or "Band of Youth." The guys admit that the band's name was The Youth Bandits. Carol muses that Larry was only thirty-two, and had a wife and kids. Ed says that life has a way of sucking sometimes. Wow, now I'm depressed.
Cut to Warren moaning that he blew it with Jessica. Mark is all dressed up in a serape and sombrero, with a fake moustache. Diane asks what's up with Mark and Spanish Club, and Mark says, "I work hard. I play hard." Warren wants attention. Diane says that Warren is pathetic, and she knew that Jessica didn't have a good time on their date because she is "a boring, shallow airhead who would rather hang out with her boring, shallow airhead friends." Then why did Diane want to help Warren go out with Jessica at all? Besides the obvious reasoning that she loves him. Anyway, Warren protests that Jessica is not those things, and Diane blames his perception on testosterone. Warren moans that Jessica is just like them. Mark disagrees, because everyone wants Jessica, and the last time a woman wanted him was "when [his] grandmother spent three days believing [he] was Efrem Zimbalist Jr." Funny line, but ew. Warren says that he and Jessica were clicking, and then he "inadvertently implied that [he] was happy that she wasn't a bitch." Diane suggests that he talk to her, and Warren says that he tried, but she's written him off, so he needs to make "a grand gesture of apology." Diane looks skeptical, while Mark asks who Efrem Zimbalist Jr is, anyway. Do you think Diane and Mark are a little sick of hearing Warren gripe about Jessica?
At Nancy and Mike's house, Ed and Nancy are making out on the couch. Or at least pretending to make out. Mike walks in, carrying some boxes, and sets them down. Ed and Nancy pretend that they were surprised, and protest that it's not what it looks like. Mike says that they never get tired of that joke, and Ed and Nancy agree that they don't. Plus, Ed points out, if they ever do hook up, Mike will think they're kidding. Mike says that if Ed can get Nancy to have sex, more power to him. What's with all the jokes about Nancy being frigid this week? Ed says that they have the green light, and he and Nancy will be back downstairs in about an hour. Nancy thinks it'll be more like forty-five seconds. Mike ends the fun by telling them to look at what he found. Carol walks in, having just visiting the Parker family, who are all broken up. Carol talks about how nice Larry's widow is, and how cute his son is. Ed hands her some pictures of a teenaged Mike and Ed. Nancy shows one particularly geeky one. Mike holds up a picture of high school Nancy dressed all slutty. Oh, poor Uncle Bob, missing this episode. Mike says she looks hot. Ed tells the married people to settle down. The whole "married people can't be sexual" vibe this week is bugging me.
At the high school, Molly is teaching night classes. Phil walks into the classroom. Molly asks what he's doing there. Phil says that he refuses to call her "Molls." Molly asks again what he's doing there. Phil says that he needs a high-school diploma. He left school after the tenth grade because "certain business opportunities arose." Phil wants to know how quickly he can get his diploma, but Molly says she won't just give him a diploma. Phil offers to get her a flat-screen television so that she can have "SurroundSound shooting out [her] ass." Molly appreciates that "lovely offer," but explains that Phil has to take the class to get a diploma. Phil thinks that he gets it -- it's all about appearances. He takes a seat and compliments someone's three-ring binder.
Ed looks at a picture of himself, Mike, and Larry in full band gear. Said band gear consists of t-shirts that say "Youth Bandits" on them. Ed says that they were seventeen years old without a care in the world. Carol says something about Larry having no idea that he would die so young. She's such a downer. Mike suggests that they give all the pictures of Larry to his family, and the ladies agree that it would be a good idea. Ed finds a videotape in the box and shows it to Mike, who had forgotten about it. Ed asks if they should watch it, and Mike says that they both know what's on it, so maybe they should pretend they never found it. Nancy says that her aunt actually died of curiosity, so they had better show it to her. Ed hands the tape to Mike and orders him to put it in. The tape starts up and a young Larry Parker looks into the camera to say that he's been thinking about the song, "She's A Bitch (But I Love Her)." Larry thinks that song could earn them immortality. Also, the band means the world to him, and his time spent drumming is the happiest he gets. Larry concludes that he wants Ed and Mike to promise him that when he dies, no matter where they are, he wants them to reunite and play "She's A Bitch (But I Love Her)" at his funeral. Larry thinks it would be the happiest moment of his life -- at his funeral. Ed and Mike, watching the tape, both look very sad. Larry says he's going to take Michelle to see Spaceballs, and turns off the camera. Ed sighs. Mike looks down. Nancy has that kind of half-grin frozen on her face.
Ed turns off the tape and asks what they are going to do. Mike says that Ed can't be serious. Ed says that he is. Carol says that Ed can't be. Ed says that they all saw the tape, and they know what they have to do. Mike says that they aren't going to get together and ruin the funeral of a guy they haven't spoken to in fifteen years. Ed reminds Mike what Larry said on the tape. Mike can't believe that Ed wants to play "She's A Bitch (But I Love Her)" at Larry's funeral. Ed doesn't want to, but feels that it may be their duty. Carol and Mike point out that "a seventeen-year-old kid who didn't understand anything" made the tape. Ed asks Mike if he promised to do it. Mike says that he did, but he was also seventeen years old when that promise was made. Ed doesn't see why that matters. Carol says that they always go along with Ed's "ridiculous ideas," but not this time. Ed says that he made a promise, and that it doesn't expire after fifteen years. Carol appeals to Nancy to tell Ed that it's ridiculous. Nancy pretends to read one of the evil baby's books, and changes the subject. So Nancy supports the idea? Interesting. Carol continues railing against the idea. Ed thinks that they should consult Barney Stacuzzo, the fourth member of the band. Mike says that Barney was insane back then, and they only let him into the band because his cousin was a security guard at William Morris. Ed counters that Barney was a member of the band, and he deserves a say.
Warren and Mark sneak down the hallway toward a locker. Warren is carrying roses, and he says that there is "a small window of opportunity." He opens the locker, which belongs to Jessica, and says that this is the perfect plan because it has both surprise and romance. Mark stuffs Warren into the locker and shuts the door. Mark walks off just as Jessica turns the corner. Mark whispers to Warren that Jessica is on her way. Jessica walks by her locker, looks into her bag, and then keeps walking. Warren starts calling out to her and banging on the locker. He starts screaming at her to open the locker quickly. She does, and Warren falls out onto the floor, gasping for air. Jessica asks why he was hiding in her locker. Warren wheezes that he wanted to apologize for messing up their date, and adds that he brought her roses. Jessica is charmed. She tells Warren that her parents are going out of town, and she's having a party. Warren asks if he's invited, and Jessica says that he is. Warren tries to pretend he didn't just make a fool of himself.
Molly teaches the night class. Phil's cell phone rings, and he loudly begins a conversation with someone named Enrique about buying something. Molly tries to reprimand him, but Phil isn't listening. Molly dismisses the class. Phil compliments Molly's teaching. Molly says that this isn't going to work. Phil asks how it is going to work, because he's already shown up a few times and everyone has seen his face. Molly says that she's not giving Phil a diploma, and stomps off. Phil can't believe it. Molly tells him that in order to get a diploma, Phil will have to pass the course like everyone else. Phil says that this has been a very educational night, and stomps out. Jim walks in and asks if Phil is not quite the model student. Molly agrees. Jim suggests "a one-two punch of pizza and beer with Mr. Friendly Face." He makes a goofy smiling face and holds it. Molly chuckles and says she'll do it if he promises to hold that face for the whole night. Jim agrees, and then says that his cheeks are already cramping.
Ed, Mike, and Carol walk into the bowling alley. Ed and Carol are still arguing about playing the song at the funeral. An electric guitar chord rings out to announce the presence of one Barney Stacuzzo, played by Andy Richter. Barney has an accent; the other people on the show call it British, but it sounded more Australian to me. Bad Australian. Barney greets Mike and Ed, and hits on Carol. Barney asks whether they dated in high school, and Carol says that they didn't. Mike asks what's up with the fake English accent. Barney drops it and says that it comes and goes. Ed asks if Barney heard about Larry. Barney thinks that it's a bummer, then asks when they start rehearsing for the funeral. Ed thinks that this is finally a man who makes sense. Carol points out that Barney is "a man who speaks with an English accent, sometimes. No offense." Mike asks Barney what he does for a living now. Barney works at Banana Republic. Ed thinks that's good, and Barney says that he "totally lucked out." ["Second Banana Republic joke in two weeks. Just saying." -- Wing Chun]
At Jessica's party, Mark is all excited because some girl talked to him by the cheese tray. What high-school party has a cheese tray? Mark tells Warren that he appreciates being brought to the party, since being there makes Warren look less cool. Warren says that he and Mark have been friends for a long time, and that Jessica can't stop that. Jessica walks up and says hello. Warren asks whether it's okay that he brought his buddy Mark. Jessica says that it's not a problem, and then turns and greets Mark, asking what school he goes to. Okay, let's face facts. Mark is hugely fat. I don't hold that against him, but it does make him kind of memorable. And he hangs out with Warren all the time. If Jessica sees Warren in school at all, she would at least know Mark by sight. So she's either stupid, or stuck-up. I'm not sure if the writers are trying to say that she really is an airhead bitch, or if they thought that would be a funny throwaway line. Anyway, Jessica asks Warren to go for a walk with her, and he agrees.
Once they get outside, Jessica tells Warren that his actions in the locker were romantic. Warren babbles about "a delicate tango" of romance. Jessica laughs at him, and Warren apologizes for slipping into "impress mode." Warren just really wanted to apologize. Jessica says that it meant a lot to her. They stare at each other for a minute. Warren starts to talk as Jessica moves in for a kiss. They kiss. Smacky-smack. Afterward, Jessica thanks him and walks away. Warren just looks after her, stunned.
In Ed's office, Ed suggests to Carol that they talk to Larry's family to see what they think about performing the song at the funeral. Carol thinks the whole thing is stupid. Barney listens at the door. Ed thinks that Larry would have wanted it, and Carol points out that he has no idea what Larry would have wanted. Ed says that Larry was a rebel, and would have wanted it. Mike says that Larry was a rebel at seventeen, but that they don't know whether he was a rebel at thirty-two. Barney speaks up and says that Larry was still a rebel. Apparently, Larry came into "the Republic" two years ago and bought cargo pants. Mike asks what Larry was like. Barney responds, "Very...rebellious?" Ed jumps up and says that the case is closed. Carol protests that you can't tell much about someone from a short conversation about cargo pants. Barney says that Larry was exactly the same as he was in high school, and that he still played the drums. Ed tells Mike that they have to do it, because they made a promise. Mike says that maybe it is what he would have wanted. Ed and Barney start celebrating. Carol tries to talk some sense into Mike, but Barney interrupts, "I'm sorry, Yoko, but you don't get a vote in this." Ed announces that the Youth Bandits are back. Mike is all excited because he hasn't played his bass in ten years. Ed says that it's like riding a bike. Mike says that he hasn't ridden a bike in ten years. Heh. Carol looks perturbed.
At school, Warren runs up to Diane's locker and points at his lips. He announces that those lips "skipped the light fandango with those of Jessica Martel." Diane thinks that he's lying. Just then, Jessica walks by and says hello to Warren, and then says that she had fun last night. Warren kind of mumbles a reply, and Jessica walks off. Diane and Mark watch in amazement. Diane says that this can't be happening. Mark puts his arm around her and says, "It's time to forget everything you thought you knew. Black is white. Down is up. And Logic's on a ski vacation with his buddy Reason." Warren asks if they know what he's going to do. Mark says that there's nothing else to do. Warren wants to get a tattoo. Diane asks why. Warren says that when he kissed Jessica, he achieved nirvana, and he wants to remember it.
Barney welcomes Ed and Mike into their practice room by saying, "Welcome to the Terrordome." Ed says that he feels like he's gone back in time. Barney says that it's "a perfect recreation of [his] parents' garage circa 1987," right down to the grease stain on the floor. Mike says that Barney is scaring him. Barney replies, "You have nothing to fear but rock itself." Heh. Andy Richter gets all the good lines. Barney hands Mike a bass as Ed picks up an acoustic guitar. Barney starts playing the opening lick of "Roundabout" by Yes. Ed asks if Barney is still into Yes, and Barney replies, "Why, uh...yes!" Heh. Ed doesn't laugh, and suggests that they get started. Ed starts playing some chords on his guitar. Carol walks in with some guy behind her. She introduces the guy as Tommy, one of Larry's former co-workers, whom she met over at the Parkers' place. She was talking to Tommy about Larry, and his answers were different from what Barney said earlier. Barney looks like he's ashamed, and kind of tries to skulk away. Tommy explains that Carol was talking like Larry was some sort of music freak, and that wasn't the case at all. Ed asks if Larry wanted a record contract. Tommy doesn't think so. Barney says that he forgot to get eggs this morning, so he's going to go get some. Carol blocks his way. Ed asks if Larry ever mentioned the Youth Bandits or playing the drums. Tommy says that he went over to Larry's for dinner a few times and never saw any drum set, and that they both loved Dilbert. Well, that settles it. Larry was no rebel. Ed looks to Barney for some answers, and Barney admits that he "might have taken some liberties with the truth." Ed asks whether Barney ever even saw Larry a few years ago. Barney says that he just thought it would be cool if they all got back together, and that Larry would have wanted it. Carol snits that Barney doesn't know anything about Larry at all. She's kind of a bitch. Anyway, Mike thinks it's time to leave. Ed asks Tommy whether Larry was "a bit of a wild man." Tommy says that Larry was a wild man in a way, because sometimes he would answer the phone "Yello!" They all look sorry for nerdy Tommy.
Warren and Jessica walk down the hall. Warren says that the "company of a good woman" invigorates the soul. Jessica giggles and says that she has to get to her violin lesson. Warren asks whether she is busy later. Jessica asks what he has in mind. Warren wants to "hop into the staysh" and "head over to the Treach." Jessica asks what he's talking about. Warren clarifies that they could take his mom's station wagon to Arthur Treacher's. I'm totally calling every station wagon a "staysh" from now on. Jessica agrees. Warren says that he'll pick her up at seven. Jessica walks away.
Carol walks up and puts her hand on Warren's shoulder. She's everywhere! Carol overheard Mark saying that Warren is getting a tattoo. Warren points out that he's not the only Warren in the world. Carol's not buying it. Warren says that Carol may not be aware, but "tattoos are very popular among the younger set." Carol asks Warren how old he thinks she is, and then gets back on topic. Carol is trying to look out for Warren, because he can't wash off the tattoo when he gets sick of it. Warren says that he knows how permanent they are, and that if he regrets his tattoo when he's forty, it will just mean that he's wrong when he's forty. He's young and in love, and his life is "an orange dream waiting to be picked." He never wants to forget the feeling. Warren thanks Carol for "the Afterschool Special," and walks off.
Molly walks into the bowling alley after closing. Phil asks what's going on. Molly says that they have a test that week, and Phil is going to pass. Phil says that he's "a right-brain guy," and doesn't know anything about science. Molly announces that she's going to tutor him, if he's willing to buckle down and pay attention. Phil says that he's in. Cue the Wacky Phil Learning Montage, set to "Teacher, Teacher" by Rockpile.
"I Can't Go For That" by Hall and Oates plays as Warren and Mark enter the tattoo parlor. Why are they always tattoo parlors and not tattoo pagodas? Warren walks up to the tattoo artist and says that he wants a "spiritual, mystical, shamanistic" tattoo. Shouldn't he be getting carded? Warren looks at the catalog. Mark suggests a pentagram. Warren wants something that says "forever" or "eternity." Warren realizes that he wants the mathematical symbol for eternity. Mark and the tattoo artist don't know what that looks like, so Warren draws it. In case you don't know, it looks like the number eight lying on its side. Cut to Warren, in a lot of pain, getting the tattoo on his shoulder. Mark asks if the artist also does henna. Suddenly Booger (a.k.a. Papa Cheswick) comes running in and demands that the artist drop the needle. Papa Cheswick says that Carol called him. Carol is such a busybody. Papa Cheswick asks Mark why he didn't stop Warren. Mark protests that he's a civil libertarian. Papa Cheswick wants to see the tattoo. Warren shows him, and of course, it's the number eight. Papa Cheswick starts to hustle Warren out, but the tattoo artist demands payment. Papa Cheswick refuses to pay, and drags Warren out by the arm.
Ed sits in the bar, drinking. Carol the Narc walks in and sits to him. Ed tells her that the Youth Bandits reunion tour is cancelled, and that Carol was right, but he's sad. Carol says that every seventeen-year-old kid wants to grow up to be a rock star, but most of them wise up and grow out of it. Ed wonders why we refer to it as "wising up," and act condescending toward our younger selves. Because we were goofy? Have you read Wing's Bad Teen Novel? ["Seriously." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Ed thinks that our younger selves were full of passion, and we should be in awe. But we're not, and that's tragic. Carol asks Ed what he wanted to be at seventeen. Ed wanted to be a pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds. Carol asks why he didn't do that. Ed says that he wasn't good enough. Carol points out that Ed was smart enough to realize that, so he went to college, and then law school. Carol concludes that the seventeen-year-old Ed had to sacrifice a few dreams so that the thirty-two-year-old Ed could have "a really good life." Carol says that Larry did the same thing, but the tragedy is that he died at thirty-two. Ed isn't sure, and thinks that part of Larry died at seventeen. The sad oboe plays a single note to take us to the commercial break.
In the classroom, Molly passes out tests and tells her students to begin. Phil puts his arm around his test to prevent copying, and starts writing.
Ed and Mike go to the Parker house and meet Larry's widow, Rita. They express their condolences. She thanks them. They give her the old pictures. She looks at them and says that some of Larry's friends are going to speak at the funeral, and that they can, too, if they want to. Ed says that he hadn't spoken to Larry in a long time. Rita understands and excuses herself to get them drinks.
Warren and Jessica walk together outside the school. Warren has his arm around her. Warren says, apropos of nothing, "Is it just me, or is Ron Howard incapable of making a bad film?" Hello? Far and Away? Jessica interrupts to say that she's really enjoyed getting to know Warren, and that he's really special. Uh oh. She doesn't want to lead him on. Warren senses what's coming. Jessica says that she needs some time alone. Warren says, "A...lone. As in sans Warren Cheswick." Jessica confirms it. Warren posits that this has something to do with her womanly cycle. Warren is really not ready to interact with the opposite sex. Or anyone, for that matter. Jessica explains that when she's with someone, she becomes all about that person, and she needs to get to know herself. Warren protests that she does know herself. Jessica argues that she doesn't. Warren yells, "You do! You know yourself so well." Jessica tells him to stop. Warren collects himself and asks how long this is going to take. Upset, Jessica says that she doesn't know. Warren says that when it's over, they'll get back together. Jessica can't promise that. Warren can't believe this is it. Jessica asks if he forgives her. Don't do it, Warren! Warren says he will forgive her under one condition: she has to let him make love to her. Jessica starts to walk away. Warren begs that it will only take fifteen minutes, or ten minutes, tops. Jessica continues to walk away. Warren crouches down, a broken man.
Mike and Ed are still at the Parker house. Ed can't believe that this is Larry Parker's house. Ed calls Mike's attention to Larry's son. Mike says that the kid looks just like his father. The kid, Ryan, comes over and offers them some clam dip and drinks. As Ryan walks away, Ed turns and watches him. Later, Ed stares at a picture of Larry and Ryan on the mantel. Mike walks up and asks if Ed is okay. Ed says that he is.
Warren sits on the stairs at school, disconsolate. Carol walks up and asks if she can join him, or if he still hates her for calling his dad. Warren says that he doesn't hate her, because she did what she had to do. Carol sits down and says that it's obvious that Warren is having woman trouble. Warren admits that Jessica dumped him after only a week. Carol jovially starts to say that she's not big on saying "I told you so." She claps Warren on the shoulder, and he winces in pain. Carol laughs. She's kind of a big jerk. Warren asks if she's talking about his tattoo, and Carol says she is sure that Warren is regretting it now. Warren slowly says that he's actually not. Carol is surprised. Warren explains that for "one brief window in time, the laws of the whole universe just bent back on themselves, and Warren Cheswick was with Jessica Martell." Warren concludes that he knew it wouldn't last, but that as long as he has the tattoo, he'll always have that one perfect night. Then, Warren sheepishly admits that he'll only have it until Saturday, when his father is making him get it removed via laser.
Ed sits in his office, writing on a legal pad. Carol enters. Ed explains that he's trying to figure out what to say at the funeral. Carol is surprised, since she thought that Larry had let Ed down. Ed says that he actually thought that Larry had let himself down, but he was wrong. Carol admits that she was wrong, too, and she thinks they should play the song at the funeral. Ed gives her a look, and Carol says that they have to play the song, because Larry would have wanted them to. Ed says that seventeen-year-old Larry would have, but not thirty-two-year-old Larry. Carol says that thirty-two-year-old Larry would have been wrong.
Molly hands the tests back to her students, congratulating some of them aloud. Phil gets his and asks what an F+ is supposed to mean. Molly says that she made the grade up just for Phil, because he didn't quite earn a D-. Phil asks if this means that he passed, and Molly confirms it. Phil cheers, and then stands and asks everyone to show him the love. Molly asks if that means that he'll be staying with the class. Phil replies, "You bet your sweet bouzouki I'm staying!" Phil then tries to start a chant of "F Plus! F Plus!" No one joins in.
At Larry's funeral, Tommy concludes his eulogy by saying that whoever takes Larry's place at the office has a really big cubicle to fill. If that's the best thing anyone can think to say about me at my funeral, that's pathetic. Ed walks up front and says that Larry was a good friend of his in high school. When Ed knew Larry, he had big dreams of becoming a rock star, and convinced the rest of them that it would actually happen. Ed didn't know what to think when he found out that Larry had left his dreams of immortality behind. Then, Ed met Ryan, and knew that Larry did become immortal in a different way. Mike and Barney start to get up as Ed says that they should celebrate the Larry that Ed knew by listening to a song that Larry wrote at seventeen. Carol looks nervous. Ed starts singing the song "She's A Bitch (But I Love Her)" as Mike and Barney sing backup. Carol and Nancy look embarrassed. Rita starts to smile. See, it turns out that the "she" of the song is actually a personification of life. So, it's life that is a bitch. The funeral-goers all smile. The song continues as we see Rita and Ryan at the burial. Ed, Carol, and the gang watch the hearse pull away.