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Hi! Miss me much? First off, an ultra-special, sparklelicious tip of the hat to Kim who subbed for me during the last few episodes of Ed while I was busy arguing with the station manager of my local NBC affiliate over his insistence to continue pre-empting the normal Wednesday night schedule and regale us all with some gawdawfully boring college basketball games. After a few heated debates that included several words that started with "C," the station manager has finally come to his senses (and avoided what would have undoubtedly been considered a "severe thrashing"), and has scheduled Ed back on Wednesday evenings rather than Monday mornings at 4 AM. I know -- you didn't need to know all that. "Just get to recapping the show, Uncle Bob. We have lives too, you know. Blah blah blah. Bite me."
Anyway, the show begins in the Stuckeyville Pie Shop which, for you trivia hounds, is officially named "Who Wants Pie?" Mike and Ed are reading the newspaper and eating pie. Mike asks Ed if he thinks that Barry Bonds is really worth $80 million. Ed isn't quite sure of Barry Bonds's worth to the owner of a baseball team, but he points out that what Ed himself likes about Barry Bonds is that his name also happens to be a sentence. This revelation steers the boys into a battle of celebrity names that also serve as sentences. We go through Britney Spears, Tom Waits, John Waters, Bill Withers, W.C. Fields, Tyra Banks, Suzanne Somers, George Burns, George Will, George Wendt, Charlie Rose, Norman Fell, and more until Mike adds, "Sally Struthers." Ed stares at his friend with the type of glance usually reserved for those occasions when you accidently catch a family member masturbating. The perky little waitress interrupts this frivolity to ask the guys if they need anything else. They don't. She walks away, and Ed says that the waitress is really cute. Mike tells him to ask her out, and Ed says he couldn't possibly do that because he eats in the pie shop on a regular basis, and if he were to ask her out and she turn him down, then he would have to find another pie shop in which to eat his pie, and that's not going to happen for a series of reasons that I don't want to go into here; they all basically revolve around the fact that Stuckeyville couldn't possibly be big enough for two pie shops. Mike asks Ed how he's ever going to settle down with a pretty little woman when he clearly isn't "out there," meaning available and on the open sex market. Ed assures Mike that he's "out there," and is a pretty good catch for some pie-shop waitress who's looking to settle down with a handsome honest-to-God lawyer who happens to own a bowling alley. Technically, Ed and the waitress have what it takes to bring a white-trash second-rate Pretty Woman scenario to life. Ed watches the waitress for a second and mutters, "She really Struthers," lending false credence to Mike's claim that Sally Struthers is a complete sentence.
Ed and Mike exit the pie shop and start walking down the street. While making small talk about their mundane lives, a hot blonde (played by Kelly Ripa, because Kathie Lee Gifford turned the gig down) walks up to Ed and kisses him square on the mouth. She then smiles, gets in a car, and drives away. Mike asks, "Who's that"? Ed admits that he has no idea. Mike says that maybe Ed really is "out there."
The theme song starts. Before the painful strains reach my ears, I click over to the Grammy Awards. U2 is on stage singing "Walk On" a song about a friend of theirs who had to get a wooden leg after having his real leg chomped off by a bitter moose who had been harboring a beef with human beings for being able to walk on two legs while he had to lollygag around the forest on four legs. The song's chorus goes "Walk on. Hum hum hum. Don't let the crazy mooses get you down, Buddy. Walk on. Hum hum hum. Keep walking on that wooden leg until you get comfortable with it, pal." It's a pretty deep and emotional song. It made me raise my fist in the air and yell "Gimp Power!" over and over again until I became light-headed and flipped the channel back over to Ed.
At the Stuckey Bowl, "Ghostbusters" is playing over the alley's PA system while the gang bowls. Kenny brings over a few beers, and Molly asks him if he can change the radio station. Kenny's offended because "Ghostbusters" happens to be his favorite song of all time, and in his view, nobody gets it done like the song's artist Ray Parker Jr. This statements adds fuel to the fire that Kenny is about as mentally stable as Andrea Yates. Speaking of mental stability, the ladies in the gang all agree that Ed's new "mystery kissing woman," whom he's been obsessing over, is a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Mike ponders the possibility of being so incredibly beautiful that it could somehow drive you crazy; he muses that, if it is possible, then maybe that's what happened to this mystery girl. He then clumsily adds that Nancy's lucky this dreaded fate hasn't yet struck her. Nancy stares a hole through him for that demeaning statement. I kinda hope she gets up and does one of her trademark Sexy Dances™ to voice her disapproval of her ignorant husband more emphatically, but alas, she does not. While Mike is backpedaling, Ed comes up with the brilliant idea of going back to the pie shop and waiting for the girl to come back; maybe lightning might strike twice. So it's off to the pie shop for Ed in hopes of another liplock with the town psycho.
Carol and Jackass are walking outside, both drinking coffee and describing their opposing caffeine tastes. Jackass likes his coffee strong and black like Mike Tyson's mama (yeah...like he's going to read this) while Carol likes Crme Brulée, which is the overbearing sissy of coffees. Carol giggles and admits that she fetched Jackass Crme Brulée rather than his usual simple coffee. You can tell that, for just a second, Jackass wants to toss the scalding hot coffee into Carol's pretty little face out of sheer, unbridled anger. And then he remembers that he's a recovering alcoholic, and puts those violent thoughts out of his head. Jackass casually mentions that he wants to put Carol in charge of the new Student TV project at school. Carol gets all giddy because every teacher in school wanted that gig and she can't believe he's going to let her have it. So she adopts this whole "I got this gig because I'm a great teacher" vibe until she remembers that she's conveniently been serving as Jackass's own personal human sperm bank for the last several months and maybe that's why he gave her the job. He swears he gave her the position because she's a good teacher and not because of her less public talents. She asks if that's true, and he says, "No, I gave it to you because you're my girlfriend." This gets Carol's goat and she's all, "Dennis!" and he's all, "I'm kidding!" and I'm all, "Carol Vessey swallows?!" They laugh like two teens in love, and the scene ends.
“ I'm one hot guy for my age and stature. If I was walking down the street and just happened to kiss some total stranger, I sure as hell wouldn't want that stranger stalking me and going through my dainty boxer shorts in an attempt to get a date with me. ”
Meanwhile, Ed's waiting impatiently in front of the pie shop for what seems to be hours. A blonde -- who, from behind, looks just like the mystery woman -- slips past him on the street. Ed sees her and tells her to wait. When he gets right behind her, she turns around, and it's Shirley in a wig. Mike jumps out from behind a mailbox and starts snickering hysterically at having caught Ed with his guard down. Ed doesn't find this prank as funny as Mike does. Mike and Shirley decide to leave Ed to wait for his mystery woman, and Shirley wishes him good luck on finding the "beautiful psychotic lady." Ed asks the guy door, who runs the laundromat, whether he's seen Ed's mystery woman. After some painfully long moments trying to recall whether a fox like Kelly Ripa has been around lately, the laundromat guy seems to recall her coming in and dropping off some laundry the day before. Ed asks if it would be possible for Ed to deliver her laundry to her. The laundry guy blurts, "Sure," as long as Ed dries and folds it first. Ed agrees to fold this babe's panties and take them to her. Lemme just say: I'm one hot guy for my age and stature. If I was walking down the street and just happened to kiss some total stranger, I sure as hell wouldn't want that stranger stalking me and going through my dainty boxer shorts in an attempt to get a date with me. Oh, who am I kidding? You're damned skippy, I'd want that! I mean...CLEAN BOXERS! Who wouldn't want that?
At the first meeting of the people behind the new Stuckeyville High TV station, Carol asks whether anyone has any ideas for programming. MegaMark suggests that he and Diane do a morning show, because they have this wonderful love-hate relationship going on with sexual tension you could cut with a knife. I agree. He loves munching on sides of beef, and she hates him. Carol asks Warren what he'd like to see, and Warren goes off on this whole patriotic post-September 11th spiel about returning America to warm and comforting TV shows because it's television's obligation to let America know that everything's going to be okay. Carol sees through Warren's bullshit like it was plexiglas and asks what he really wants to see; he shamefully admits he'd like to do a show with a talking dog. Carol spots Molly standing in the doorway looking all glum and frumpled, so she tells the students to brainstorm while she goes and hangs out with Molly rather than do the job she's paid by state taxpayers to perform. I don't mean to sound bitter, but if I could somehow gain back all of the wasted hours that my teachers would spend gallivanting around the school hallways with their buds to chit-chat or smoke weed or rub genitalia or whatever the hell it was that teachers did when they left me alone to get pummeled on by my fellow classmates, I may have stood the chance to carve out a decent career opportunity for myself rather than having to resort to writing coffee table books for a living. Tell me something, people: who the hell actually reads coffee table books? Wait, don't tell me -- I've got the answer for you already: NOBODY. Coffee table books are for decoration, not for reading. Don't think I don't know this. I'm fully aware of my complete and utter unimportance in this world. It's just that I...oh...oops. Heh heh heh. Sorry for having a public meltdown like that. It's just...well...there's a lot of stress in the hectic world of coffee table book writing right now...that's all.
“ Ed picks up the ringing cell phone and answers it. A look of shock takes over his face and threatens worldwide destruction if its demands aren't met immediately. ”
Ed walks into the bowling alley after the date. Phil asks him how his date went. Ed says it was amazing. Phil says that if it was really amazing, he wouldn't have seen Ed until the morning, and deducts that Ed is not "a closer." A cell phone starts ringing, and Phil says that it's Jim's phone -- Jim as in "Molly's boyfriend, Jim." Ed asks Phil where Jim's at, and Phil pauses before saying, "Hold on, Bossco, I'm still trying to think of a clever euphenism for 'urinating.'" A word of advice to a fictional character from a fictional recapper: Phil, always have euphemisms stored in the memory bank for spur-of-the-moment use. Right off the top of the head, I can reel off "painting the town yellow," "giving Johnny a golden shower," and "feeding the sewer rats." But hey, that's just me. Ed picks up the ringing cell phone and answers it. A look of shock takes over his face and threatens worldwide destruction if its demands aren't met immediately. Ed says he'll relay the message, and turns off the phone. Jim comes bounding out of the bathroom. Jim asks Ed if he had fun on his date. Ed says he just spoke with Jim's....WIFE! I KNOW! Shock of shocks! Jim's face turns a shade of ashen grey with just a tad of pink around the cheeks to let us know he's still alive. "Does Molly know?" Ed asks. Jim swallows and shakes his head no. Ed gives Jim an ultimatum: if he doesn't tell Molly, then Ed will tell her himself. Then Ed walks away in disgust.
Flipping over to the Grammys...apparently the song "Lady Marmalade" just won an award. From what I can tell, the artists behind the song couldn't be in attendance tonight, so they sent four retarded Mexican prostitutes to accept the award for them. It's so nice to see the retarded Mexican prostitutes getting work outside of performing lewd sex acts on donkeys in the basements of abandoned Mexican Sears buildings. I think at one point, one of the prostitutes thanked a Rottweiler. The Backstreet Boys and Sarah Hughes (the official sweetheart of the 2002 Winter Olympics) are standing onstage with the prostitutes. It's obvious that Sarah Hughes is uncomfortable sharing the stage with the women. It's also obvious nobody has sat the little girl down and explained that you cannot catch a venereal disease just from sharing the same stage with four retarded Mexican prostitutes because she looks like she's trying desperately to keep her Gold Medal Coochie covered with her hands. They pan to a crowd shot and Luther Vandross is sporting some new shades. Hold the phone...that's Stevie Wonder. My God, "Little" Stevie Wonder must be pushing 400 lbs. When did this fat bastard swallow Gary Coleman, and why wasn't it on Entertainment Tonight?
Back on Ed, Warren's knocking on Carol's classroom door. He asks how it's "gliding," using his hip, new phrase of the week. Carol says it's "gliding" good, and Warren starts gushing about how beautiful Carol's sweater is today. Carol senses something's up from Warren's unsolicited compliments, and asks how the 60 Minutes rip-off is coming along. She asks if they've uncovered any dirt on the lunch lady stealing pudding or cutting back on the amount of human hair added to the spaghetti sauce. Warren gulps and says that they're not going with the cafeteria story; they found something better. While they were shooting the cafeteria exposé, they caught something happening off-camera, and filmed that instead. Basically, it's Carol and Jackass getting it on like a retarded Mexican prostitute and Mr. Ed. Carol's face goes ashen white as her facial expression brings back fond memories of a young Ellen Burstyn the first time she saw her daughter polishing the crucifix in The Exorcist. Warren insists between painful gulps that the piece is fun and light-hearted, like when the local TV station sends the weatherman out to the local zoo to film the birth of a new panda, which by the way scarred me for life when I was a kid. Warren adds that it's their responsibility to keep feeding the machine in the name of journalism. Carol's on the verge of tears as she storms out of the classroom, while Warren stands there looking like a bumbling idiot, which isn't necessarily a stretch for him.
“ Gawd. Molly is now saying every single thing a guy doesn't want to hear moments before he tells his girlfriend about his wife. ”
Meanwhile, Molly and Jim are enjoying lunch at the Smiling Goat. Molly's telling some incredibly boring story of the kind most women like to tell once they get comfortable around their man and realize that the man isn't going to leave them if they tell one more boring story about their job. Oh...I'm sorry. Did that come off sexist? If so, keep in mind I said "most" women, and if you're a woman offended by that statement, then take comfort in the fact that you've probably never told a single boring story in your life and I wasn't talking about you, okay there, sweetiecakes? Anyway, Jim's picking at his food; the smile that he's become synonymous with has vanished from his long face. Molly wants to know what's up. She says he's not gobbling up his hash like he normally does, which is one of the things she LOVES about him. He has something to tell her. Molly says that he can tell her ANYTHING, because that's where they're at in the relationship right now: NO SECRETS. Gawd. Molly is now saying every single thing a guy doesn't want to hear moments before he tells his girlfriend about his wife. Jim says he needs to tell her about someone else. Molly stiffens and wants to know if he's met another woman. He says no, and then quietly tells her he has a wife. Molly's face goes ashen green as she looks like she just sat down on a rattlesnake. She jumps up from her chair and storms out of the restaurant. Jim tries to chase her, but only halfheartedly, since he knows that if he catches up to her, he'll get the holy hell beaten out of him, Molly-style.
Carol storms into Jackass's office. Jackass notes that Carol's got her arms crossed and is fixing a cold stare on him. He determines that she's pissed about something, and he wants to know what it is. She informs him that Warren Cheswick has them tongue-wrestling on video and is threatening to show it to the entire school. Jackass chuckles. Carol wants to know why he's laughing; he says he wasn't laughing, he was chuckling. God. I noticed it, why can't she? Jackass wants to know why she even cares about everyone seeing the tape. He says he thinks it's because she doesn't want to commit to their relationship and has issues about their relationship. Well, jeezum crow, Jackass...maybe she has issues that stem from the time you brought a date to a party the night after you first tagged Carol's ass. Carol tells Jackass that he's the one who has issues, and he points out that it's very convenient for her to blame him. He says that, deep down, Carol doesn't really know for sure whether he's good or bad. And she doesn't want to go public with their relationship because of her doubts about the king of Jackasses. Jackass points out that even HE doesn't know if he's good or bad. Getting fed up with his mumbo jumbo, Carol makes like an exorcist and gets the hell out of Jackass's office.
Kenny and Phil are reading the paper. Kenny asks Phil if he's ever seen The Vagina Monologues. Phil asks if that's the one where the Playmates band together and start a car wash. Kenny says it's not a movie, it's a play, and that it's powerful stuff. Phil admits that live theater doesn't interest him because the actors talk too loud. Jennifer shows up looking for Ed. Phil recognizes her as the random-guy kisser, and says he's a pretty random guy himself. One time he did it on a ferris wheel. Ed walks up and whisks Jennifer away before Phil can permanently damage her. Phil stares at Jennifer's butt and says, "She digs me." Kenny chimes in, "I find you obnoxious."
“ I mean, if you have your choice of Mr. Serious and Stoic or the Bird Man of Stuckeyville as your lawyer... color me crazy, but I'm going with Joe Three-Piece Suit. ”
Warren and Diane are eating at the Goat. Diane tells Warren that they HAVE to show the tape of Jackass and Carol doing it like crazed welfare recipients in the parking lot. Warren freaks out and starts loudly saying, "I WILL! I WILL!" Man. Pencil a Mr. Warren Cheswick in for a nervous breakdown, pronto. Warren then tries to tell Diane that Carol is freaking out about this tape and wonders if the tape will get her fired since Jackass has the temper of a jungle cat. Diane says it's Warren's call as to whether they're going to show the tape or not. Then she spouts off some First Amendment malarkey that bored me for a few seconds so I took an extremely quick power nap. When I awake, Diane's still prattling on about First Amendment rights; she tells Warren that their rights to tell the story are more important than some teacher's hanky panky with the principal. Warren wonders aloud whether he should wear a helmet when he goes to see Principal Jackass over this, just in case Jackass goes Jackie Chan on his ass.
At the bowling alley, Ed and Jennifer are sharing some fine bowling-alley cuisine when Jennifer tells Ed that she's come up with a "to do" list for Ed. Ed's intrigued until he sees what's written on the list. He begins saying "no!" as he reads it. She nods "yes." He says, "But how --?" and she pulls out a pillow, chocolate syrup, and a bullhorn. I'm not sure what's about to happen, but I can tell you that my personal use of those three items once helped transform a random act of sex into the greatest night of my entire life. If Ed's lucky, little Jennifer may have gotten some sex tips from my college girlfriend Ellen.
We quickly switch to a scene where Ed has been tarred and feathered and is walking down the street of Stuckeyville in heavy traffic, yelling through his bullhorn that he is the Bird Man of Stuckeyville. He is there to serve and protect the fine people of Stuckeyville. He comes in peace. One man leans out his truck window and very loudly calls Ed a jackass. In the meantime, Jennifer is standing on the sidewalk, cackling with glee at the sight of Ed making a complete and total ass of himself. I said this last season, and I think it needs to be reiterated once again: given all the times Ed has made an ass of himself in Stuckeyville, is anyone else as shocked as I am that he still gets clients wanting him to represent them in a court of law? I mean, if you have your choice of Mr. Serious and Stoic or the Bird Man of Stuckeyville as your lawyer...color me crazy, but I'm going with Joe Three-Piece Suit.
Molly approaches Carol in her classroom after school. Carol already knows that Molly is a homewrecker, and asks how she's doing. Molly says she's fantasamazingrific. Carol recognizes pained sarcasm when she smells it, and Molly starts babbling that she can't believe she never saw this coming. She cites as evidence for suspicions she should have had the fact that Jim ALWAYS came to her house and ALWAYS had her call him on her cell phone. Carol asks if he's called her; Molly says he's called several times, but that she lets the machine pick it up. Molly swears she's done with Jim. He's history. He's yesterday's news. He's a colostomy bag full of shit in a hospital dumpster. Carol asks if she's going to be okay, and Molly says she's not sure. Carol gives her a hug and right before a big hot steamy lesbian love scene gets underway we cut to...
Things To Do Today
“ I'm about a burp away from puking my ever-loving guts up at this smarmy romantic crap. Did I just stumble into a bad Renée Zellweger movie? ”
Evil Cheating Jim shows up at the bowling alley to get his bowling tools and slink out of there on his belly. He tells Ed that he spoke with Molly, and Ed says he already knows that. Evil Cheating Jim informs Ed that he knows he's not the most popular polygamist in Stuckeyville right now, but that he's sorry. Ed blows his top and asks Evil Cheating Jim if that's supposed to make everything okay. He adds that Evil Cheating Jim has been feeding Molly a load of chunky bullshit ever since he slithered into the bowling alley and into her heart. Ed then reminds Evil Cheating Jim that his main problem is wanting both a wife and a mistress. Evil Cheating Jim says that's not true; all he wants is Molly. His marriage has been over for the last four years, but they've stayed together because that's what you do when the marriage is over: you stay together longer than you should have (preach brother...PREACH!!). Evil Cheating Jim says that he loves Molly and that her shining smile has taught him just how unhappy he was with his wife. Ed asks what he's going to do, and Evil Cheating Jim says he's going to get Molly back. He doesn't know how yet...but dammit all to hell, he's going to be handling those surgically-reduced breasts again someday.
Ed's locking up the bowling alley when he sees Fraulein Nutjob walk up. Jennifer apologizes for making out with a total stranger on the street earlier in the day just because he had facial hair. In a really sarcastic tone, Ed says that no apologies are needed, and that she is who she is. Jennifer tells him not to be mean, because it doesn't suit him. Ed tells her that she has dedicated herself to finding new roads in life each day, but that she only finds them and never goes down them all the way. She says it's because she's been down a lot of bad roads before. Ed says that none of those trips down bad roads were with him. Okay...I'm about a burp away from puking my ever-loving guts up at this smarmy romantic crap. Did I just stumble into a bad Renée Zellweger movie? This has got to be the most trite bullshit ever uttered on the show thus far. God...it gets worse...Jennifer doesn't want to "let [him] go,"and says that instead of finding new roads to go down, she's just going to go down one: Edward J. Stevens Avenue.
...And that's when it happened. I hurled all over myself from this sickly sweet sapfest of a show.
In the scene, Jennifer's falling backward on a bed with Ed resting on top of her. Their kissing has now graduated into the type of kisses normally shared by a teacher and her principal. Ed tells Jennifer that he has his own personal ten-item "to do" list, and that he's going to be conducting it all night long. Jennifer says she'll be counting. Ed slowly moves down her body and out of camera range since he's about to go grab lunch at the Y. Jennifer writhes in ecstasy. I belch, and then another wave of Chunky Esophagus Soup comes up as I force myself to watch this pablum.
The morning, we're backstage at the TV station, where MegaMark is yelling at a kid to "Make me pretty, Scooter!" The kid tries to round up enough makeup to cover the big guy's face completely. Warren storms in and announces that he still hasn't made a decision as to whether he's going to show the cafeteria exposé or Jackass and Carol mouth-humping, and that everyone is on a need-to-know basis. MegaMark says he's a thoroughbred and shouldn't be agitated before a race. No, Mega...you're as big as a thoroughbred, but that doesn't necessarily make you a thoroughbred.
Ed wakes up with a grin on his face after a particularly hot evening of steamy psychotic sex. He rolls over; Jennifer is gone, but has left a note. It's Ed's final "to do" list with only one thing written on it: "Find the right girl. I'm sorry. Jennifer." Now then, something happened during their torrid lovemaking session that the show's writers aren't telling us, so it's up to Uncle Bob to fill in the blanks. Personally, I think Ed's sexual prowess must have been lousy and Jennifer was bailing on him after he went to sleep. Let's remember, ever since Ed's come to town, he's only been laid by the evil Bonnie Hane. And we all remember what a black widow she was in the sack. I bet Ed still has claw marks from her on his scrotal sac. So he's alarmingly out of practice when it comes to sexually pleasing gorgeous psychos. On the other hand, finding "the right girl" may mean that...uhhh...ahem...maybe Edward J. Stevens is packing a summer sausage where a Vienna sausage would do just fine, if you get my drift and if you don't I'm saying maybe he's hung like a Russian mule. I dunno. I'm grasping at straws here. Let's continue.
Carol barges into Jackass's office, and the two of them confirm that they've both talked to Warren about the tape. Carol wonders what's going to happen, and Jackass says that they'll find out in a few moments. Carol tells Jackass that she gave Warren permission to show it. Jackass says that if the students find out he's nailing a teacher, they find out. If he's fired for this, it's no big deal. Hell, he almost killed a kid while driving drunk at the last school; kissing a teacher is child's play compared to that.
The Stuckeyville High show begins with an opening that has been lifted straight from 60 Minutes. Warren begins his segment, looking all stoic in the camera as he talks about the crew capturing something that would not only shock the viewing audience, but also has the possibility of amazing them as well. He asks that the footage be rolled. Carol's watching from off-camera, looking about as panicky as a teacher who's about to lose her job for making out with the principal and having the evidence broadcast over the school's TV network can look. The footage rolls, and it depicts the Lunch Lady scandal. Carol bursts into a big relieved grin, and Warren warmly grins back at her. Carol's glad that she can continue sexing up her boss without the entire school knowing about it. Warren's glad he's not going to get his face rearranged by the principal.