Ed walks down the street in Stuckeyville. Just then, a pretty lady passes Ed walking in the other direction; she's carrying a cardboard box. Ed totally turns his head to check her out, like, ogle much there, Ed? As he's watching, the box breaks apart, and the contents of the box fall to the sidewalk. Ed walks back to help, saying things like, "Holy smokes!" and "My goodness gracious!" Then he pretends to be really old, and talks about how much better boxes were made back in the day. And we wonder why Ed hasn't gotten laid lately. Because that routine is not working for anyone. The lady tells Ed that she just got fired from her job at Morrison Crane because some money came up missing. Ed says that they can't just fire her without any proof. The lady says they don't have any proof, and reveals that her name is Kate Harrison. Ed says that he's a lawyer, and that he can help her. Kate doesn't want to spend her life fighting Morrison Crane. Ed understands, and hands the box of stuff back to her. They say goodbye, and Kate walks away. Ed gazes after her.
Mike pops up out of nowhere and says that he doesn't know who that girl was, but if Ed didn't ask her out, Mike will hit Ed in the back of the head. Ed says that he didn't ask her out, and Mike cuffs him in the back of the head. Ed says, "One more time?" and Mike obliges. Hee! It's always funny to see someone getting cuffed in the head. In jest, of course. Although Mike seemed to take a bit too much pleasure from that. Also, I wonder how many takes of that scene they had to do, and if Tom Cavanaugh's head started to really hurt after a while.
Ed and Mike sit at the counter at Stuckey Bowl, eating burgers. I guess now that Mike is a man of leisure, he'll be around a lot more. I approve. Ed is upset that he didn't ask the girl out. Mike agrees. Mike thinks that he should have asked the girl out himself, until Ed reminds Mike that he's married. Although if Mike wants to ask the girl out, I think Uncle Bob would take Nancy. Except Uncle Bob is also married. So there's a whole can of worms that we probably shouldn't open. Ed stands up and starts jumping up in the air, kicking himself in the ass. Hee! Mike wonders how long it's been since Ed has gotten laid. Ed says, "I slept with Nancy this morning, right after you left for work." Which would be funny, except that Mike didn't leave for work this morning, as far as we know. Because he's a man of leisure now. Mike thinks it's only natural that Ed is "feeling a little bit frisky right now." Ed is mad that he blew it, but then realizes that he can call Kate's employer and find her. Mike reminds Ed that Kate got fired, and then starts the funniest dialogue exchange of the episode.
Mike: Way to use your noodle, there, Ed.
Ed: That's just what Nancy said to me this morning.
Mike: Oh, you're very good.
Ed: That's just what Nancy said to me this morning.
Mike: [pause] You finished yet?
Ed: That's just what Nancy said to me this morning.
Speaking of Nancy, she's having lunch with Carol and Molly. Nancy complains that she's bored, and needs to get out of the house, and that Mike doesn't understand, because he's "decompressing." Nancy doesn't want lunch with Carol and Molly -- the " losers" -- to be the highlight of her day. Molly hits Nancy in the head with a straw wrapper. Carol suggests that Nancy work at the school as a substitute teacher, because all you need is a college degree, and Carol is in charge of hiring. How convenient. Carol hires Nancy. Molly suggests that Carol interview Nancy first. Carol asks where Nancy sees herself in five years, and Nancy responds, "Sitting here with you losers." Molly hits Nancy with another straw wrapper, which is probably good practice for substitute teaching, now that I think about it.
Kate walks into Stuckey Bowl. Ed asks Mike how he looks. Mike says that Ed looks like Brad Pritt. Ed thinks that Mike meant to say "Brad Pitt," but Mike is talking about Brad Pritt, a "goofy-looking bastard" Mike knew in college. Ed says hello to Kate and introduces Mike. Kate says that she's had "a change of heart" and wants to fight for her job. She asks Ed if he can help, and Mike answers, "Yeah!" Ed tells Kate to come into his office.
Kate and Ed ditch Mike before entering the office. Kate explains that the accountants at Morrison Crane found a bogus check for $20,000 made out to cash. Kate says that this happens every few years; somebody falsifies a claim and cuts a bad check. This time, the company wanted to make an example of someone. Ed asks why they picked her, and Kate says that the janitor saw her at work after hours the same night the check was cut. Ed asks why she was there late, and Kate admits that she got sucked into playing online backgammon. She doesn't have a computer at home? Ed makes a joke about how backgammon is probably like Yahtzee. Kate asks what they do , and Ed says that Morrison Crane doesn't have enough evidence to fire her, so he's going to go there and scare them with some "fancy lawyer talk."
Nancy works on a lesson plan for her first day of substitute teaching. Unless she's a long-term sub, she wouldn't need to make a lesson plan, but whatever. Mike teases her, but Nancy is trying to work. Mike wants to go for ice cream, and yells that he has a coupon for free jimmies. Nancy ignores him until he hits her in the head with a paper airplane. What's with Nancy getting hit in the head with paper products this week? Nancy asks what he's doing, and Mike explains that he's trying to prepare her for working as a sub. Nancy says that her students are going to love her. Mike thinks they will love "making [Nancy] weep with misery." Nancy has a whole plan, but Mike keep bringing up stories about pain inflicted on substitute teachers until Nancy tells him to go away.
Ed walks up on Phil, Shirley, and Kenny, who are doing something goofy, as usual. This week, Phil is trying to prove that you can't eat a whole loaf of white bread in under a minute. Shirley times Phil as he stuffs slice after slice into his mouth, giggling all the while. Ed explains that it's an old bar bet, and the deal is that you can't eat a single slice of white bread in under a minute. Phil looks chagrined. Kenny shakes his head in disgust. Ed explains that Frank King called, and he wants to rent Stuckey Bowl for his son's birthday party. Ed is putting the Goofball Trio in charge. Shirley tells a story about how she used to be allowed to eat tons of candy on her birthday until the malted milk ball incident. Don't we all have one of those in our past? Phil thinks that they should roast the birthday boy in the style of Dean Martin. Ed doesn't like that idea, since the kid is nine years old. Kenny suggests balloons. Ed likes that idea.
A bunch of kids, including Mark, sit in a classroom. The bell rings, and Nancy walks in, dressed as Sherlock Holmes, and speaking in a British accent. She's apparently looking for clues about the Boxer Rebellion. The kids stare at her like the freak that she is. She invites them to read together, and Mark raises his hand and asks if she's going to be doing the skit the whole time. Nancy looks at the kids' disdainful faces and removes the costume. Mark tries to encourage her to continue, but Nancy isn't having it.
Ed and Kate walk through the halls of Morrison Crane. Ed says that the place gives him the creeps, and Kate counters that the place invented the creeps. And she wants to continue working there why? Kate explains that she doesn't want them to get away with it. They reach an office door, which opens before they can knock. A lady introduces herself as Linda Fletcher, and points to two thuggish guys standing in back, who are apparently the "in-house counsel team." Ed and Kate walk in and sit down. Linda asks why Kate and Ed are there. Ed says that he's going to get Kate's job back. Linda says that he's out of his league, and to pursue the matter would be "stunningly foolish." Linda continues to denigrate Ed's expertise, until Ed points out that they have no proof that Kate took the money. Ed quickly states three things: One, they have no proof that Kate took the money. Didn't he just say that? Two, if they don't give Kate her job back, the firm will be swimming in public, messy lawsuits. Three, the goons in suits don't intimidate him, and to assume that they do would be "stunningly foolish." The goons look uncomfortable. Linda looks uncomfortable. I guess Ed showed them!
Back in the high school, Nancy starts reading from the textbook, and then interrupts herself. She wonders why high-school kids always look so miserable, and admits that she looked miserable in high school, too. Scarf Guy says it's because they are miserable. Nancy asks why that is, and then tells a story about how she always felt like she was "all dressed up with no place to go." Kids nod in recognition. Nancy continues, talking about how she had an adult body and an adult mind, and she was expected to learn about "stupid stuff like the Boxer Rebellion." Mark says that his problem is "the insult of not being able to legally purchase a fine cigar." Nancy laughs and asks what else makes them miserable. The kids slowly raise their hands. This is such an adult fantasy storyline. I think a lot of adults think, "I could really speak to kids, given the chance. I remember what it was like to be a teen! They would love me." The reality is, in most cases, that they would not.
Kate is all excited that Ed got the Morrison Crane people to back down. Kate thinks that she had better go back to the office and tell people that she's not fired, so I guess she got her job back. They stand there and say goodbye for a long time, and finally Ed asks her out. Kate agrees. Smiley-smile time.
Nancy runs up to Molly and Carol in the school hallway. She's excited that she gets to sub all week. Carol asks how things are going in the classroom. Nancy says that things were awful at first, but now she's starting to connect with the kids. Scarf Guy walks up and, as Nancy explains afterwards, gives her some dap, which is "a sign of respect." Molly says that Nancy is every teacher's nightmare, "the cool sub." Nancy says it's just "beginner's luck." Nancy's all excited that they're having Chicken à la King, and runs off. I don't know if those knee-high boots that she's wearing are appropriate for the classroom, but what do I know? I haven't been inside a high school in many, many years.
The Goofball Trio is working on something on a notepad when Ed walks up and says that he's leaving to go on a date. Phil reads from the notepad that "the last time Ed Stevens got any action, Bill Clinton was still in the White House." Kenny and Shirley laugh uproariously. Ed tries to point out that the joke would be more effective if they used a less recent President. Phil repeats, "Bill Clinton," and Kenny laughs some more. Phil adds, "That's a nice leather jacket. What, is Banana Republic having a sale?" Ed says that they were, and wonders why that's even a joke. Kenny laughs some more. Phil explains that Ed has just been roasted. Ed yells that they will not be roasting a nine-year-old. Kenny and Shirley admit that neither of them got the Banana Republic joke.
Carol comes upon some teachers talking in the Faculty Room. Green Sweater Guy says that some teacher is going to be upset when she returns, because the sub is "putting her in a real hole." Carol asks if they are talking about Nancy. Green Sweater Guy asks if Carol has seen what Nancy is doing in the classroom, because she doesn't get within fifty miles of the lesson plan. Carol makes the excuse that Nancy is new. Green Sweater Guy tells Carol never to let Nancy sub for him.
At dinner, Kate tells Ed that she has a special skill he should know about. Ed pops a boner. I mean, come on. Anyway, Kate claims that she can taste a french fry and tell (plus or minus fifteen minutes) how long ago they changed the fry oil. Ed asks her to demonstrate. Kate eats a couple of French fries and pretends like she's having trouble figuring it out. So she eats some more. I am so shocked that Glark hasn't tried this trick. ["Please don't tell him about it." -- Wing Chun] Ed figures out that there is no trick, and Kate is just eating his fries. This charms him. I would be pissed.
Phil meets with the Kings to make arrangements for their son's birthday party. Mr. King tells Phil that his son's favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip. Phil ignores him, and asks what their son's most "mockable physical characteristics" are. The Kings are confused, and say that their son is nine years old. Phil is excited to learn that their son is short. , Phil asks about their son's bad habits: "Does he overeat? Does he gamble? Is he famously stingy?" The Kings want to know what's going on with the weird questions, and Phil explains that he's just gathering material for the roast. The Kings are confused. Phil apologizes and says that he thought he was meeting with the Kings. The couple confirms that they are, and they agreed to have their son's birthday party at Stuckey Bowl. Phil asks how their son is with the ladies, and if he gets his fair share. Mr. King replies, "He's prepubescent!" Phil chuckles, "Perfect!"
Ed walks Kate home. Kate thinks that Ed is being a gentleman, when we all know he's hoping for some nookie. Kate thanks Ed for dinner. Ed thanks her for inviting him in. Look at Ed being assertive. Kate does invite him in. Once inside, Ed starts to make a fire. No, literally, with firewood and stuff. Kate offers him matches, but Ed says he doesn't need them. I think Ed ran a marathon carrying the firewood, because he's breathing awfully heavy here. Ed finally takes the matches, and then they start making out. Ed says that the kissing would be more romantic in front of a blazing fire, but then he tosses the matches aside and continues making out. Kate stops him and asks Ed if he kind of likes her. Ed confirms that she's not imagining things, and tries to continue kissing her. Kate says she has to tell him something: "That money at work? I stole it." Insert the sound of Ed's erection wilting.
Ed sits up and asks Kate what she means about stealing the money. Kate apologizes for not telling him the truth at first. Ed realizes that he just made out with an embezzler. Kate says that it's not what he thinks. There was a policy holder who needed a liver transplant. Ed is still having trouble with this. Kate explains that the guy would have died without the transplant. Ed suggests that she turn herself in. Kate doesn't want to. Ed says that he never would have helped her get her job back if he knew that she really did take the money. Now, Ed feels used. Kate apologizes again. Ed asks if she's going to turn herself in. Kate says that she can't. Ed grabs his coat and says that he has to leave. He takes one last look at Kate and then walks out.
Carol sneaks up on Nancy's classroom and stands in the doorway, watching. Nancy is urging Mark to say something painful. Finally, Mark admits that his sister is married to a homosexual. Mark adds, "She's a beard." Nancy says that it was good that he admitted it, and leads the other students in applause. Seriously, in real life, five minutes after class, someone would yell out, "Your sister's a beard!" at Mark in the hallway, and he would cry. And then he would tell his parents, and they would sue both Nancy and the school. Nancy notices Carol standing there, and tells the kids to keep talking. In the hallway, Carol asks what's going on. Nancy thinks that the talking helped. Carol reminds Nancy that it's an American History class. Nancy says that they got a little sidetracked, and starts to head back into the room. Carol yanks Nancy by the arm, and says that there is some concern among the faculty that Nancy isn't sticking to the lesson plan. Nancy immediately apologizes. Carol tells her that it's okay, and Nancy promises to stick to the lesson plan from now on.
Phil tells Ed that the Kings are insisting on a roast. Ed doesn't believe it. Phil wonders what he has to gain by lying. Ed reminds Phil that he's the one who wants to do the roast in the first place, but Phil doesn't understand. Ed finally gives up and tells Phil just to do the roast, but try not to kill anyone. Phil thanks Ed, and promises that he won't regret it. After Phil runs off, Kate walks in and tells Ed that there is poetry in the way he sprays the rental shoes with disinfectant. Ed acts pissy. Kate tells Ed to come with her, and Ed reluctantly agrees.
Kate greets some guy named George with a hug. Kate introduces Ed, who knows George from when he used to work at the dry cleaner's. George has a new job now. Kate asks how George is feeling. George is feeling great, and says that Kate saved his life. Kate asks George to tell Ed what happened. George says that the insurance company refused to pay for his liver transplant, because he worked with a dry cleaning chemical that was known to cause liver damage. Ed asks if George did use the chemical. George says that he hadn't used it in twenty years. Kate explains that the insurance company said that George had a pre-existing condition. George says that he'd be dead right now if Kate hadn't convinced them to pay. George excuses himself. Ed says that he can see why Kate would want to help a guy like that, and it's all the more reason to turn herself in. Ed points out that Kate is proud of what she did, and he'll help her go to court and tell the world. Kate doesn't want to go to jail. Ed says that she won't, because it's her first offense and she didn't profit personally. She'll get probation and community service. Kate agrees to do it.
Mike is lying on the couch when Nancy walks in. She says that her day was "a total disaster." Mike wonders what kind of disaster she means. Nancy rants that she doesn't know how Carol and Molly say the same things all day long. She hated doing it, and the kids knew she hated it, and it was a vicious cycle. While saying this, Nancy props her leg up on the chair and unzips her boots. Man, Uncle Bob is so sorry that he missed this one. Nancy asks Mike what she's going to do. Mike thinks that teaching may not be for her. Nancy complains that everyone in the family has something exciting ahead of them (Mike with his new practice, Sarah with potty training), but she's just stagnating. Mike says that she tried something, and it didn't work, so she'll try something else. Nancy continues to argue that she's stagnating. Mike hugs her and says she's a nut case, but he loves her. Nancy adds, "A stagnating nut case."
The DA greets Ed and Kate, making small talk. Ed asks if he had a chance to review the case, and says that they would like to discuss a plea bargain. The DA says that he's not going to bargain; Kate's guilty, they're going to court, and asking for the maximum sentence. Ed protests and Kate looks worried. The DA says that it's good that Kate saved a life, but she also broke the law. Ed continues to argue, but the DA isn't listening, and he leaves. Kate asks what just happened. Ed says that it's political, because the DA is running for Congress. Kate realizes that she's going to jail. Ed says that he'll get her out of it. Kate asks how, and Ed promises that he'll find a way.
In court, Kate is on the stand. Ed leads her through an explanation of why she disagreed with the rejection of George's claim. Kate explains that her company rejects claims every day, sometimes for stupid reasons, but this one was more than she could bear. Ed asks why she took such drastic action. Kate talks about how weak George looked when he came into the office. Ed adds that she knew that if she didn't cut the check, she knew George would die. Objection, your Honor! Leading the witness! This is why I shouldn't be allowed to recap shows with legal proceedings. I sit at home and yell out "Objection!" all the time. It's also why I could never be an actual lawyer. I would get thrown out, and then I would struggle with the security guards and run back up to the front and yell out, "I'm out of order? You're out of order! This whole courtroom's out of order!" But enough about me. Kate says that she was George's only hope.
The DA asks Kate how long George would have lived had she not interceded. Kate says that she doesn't know. The DA says that there was no actual emergency, and that Kate had plenty of time to pursue other options. Kate says that there wasn't much time, and that she was only doing what Morrison Crane should have done in the first place. The DA calls Kate "your Honor." Ed objects. The DA says that Kate must have the authority to render judgment on Morrison Crane. Is there a question here? The judge tells the DA to lighten up. Kate gets excused from the stand, and tells Ed that she blew it, and they're going to lose. Ed looks over at the DA.
Ed sits in his office, head in hand. Carol walks in to make sure that Ed still loves her even though she's dating Dennis. Well, she claims that she brought him string cheese, but we all know the truth. Carol makes a reference to Ed's new lady friend. Ed asks Carol that if someone does a bad thing for a good reason, is it okay? Carol says that she just had a big dinner, and she's kind of logy, so she doesn't understand the question. Ed says that Kate's going to jail unless Ed does something rotten. Carol asks what he means. Ed says that the DA has political aspirations and "an ugly little personal secret," which Ed knows about. So if he brings it up, the DA might go easy on Kate. Carol agrees that Ed is in a pickle. Ed sarcastically thanks Carol for her help, and says that he wishes there were another way. Carol says that Ed is a perfectionist and an idealist, and he "shudders at the sound of the word 'compromise.'" Ed asks if that's bad. Carol says that it's a hard way to be, which is why there aren't many people like Ed around.
At the courthouse, Ed tells Kate to go on ahead so that he can talk to the DA alone. They walk off, and Ed tells the DA to settle the case. The DA says that he's not going to do that. Ed asks if this is about the DA's political career, and the DA denies it. Ed asks if it would be ironic if a case that was supposed to help the DA's political career ended up destroying it. The DA asks what that means. Ed says that he knows a female other than Mrs. DA who has some information that might hurt the DA's career. The DA asks if Ed is threatening him, then chuckles and says that he knows that Ed's not the blackmailing type. The DA walks into the courtroom.
Nancy sits in the principal's office, waiting to be seen. She befriends a student named Gretchen Huber, who is also waiting. Nancy explains that she's waiting for Carol, and is probably about to be fired. Gretchen is taking a career test, and the results are "irrigation." Nancy jokes about irrigation, and then asks Gretchen what she wants to do when she grows up. Gretchen doesn't know. Nancy always wanted to be a concert cellist, but it turns out that she stinks at playing the cello. Nancy asks Gretchen what her specialty is. Gretchen admits that she likes to draw, but she's not very good. Nancy thinks that Gretchen is probably just being modest. Gretchen points out that Nancy is probably just being modest about the cello-playing. Nancy says that she really does suck at playing the cello, and they both laugh.
Back in the courtroom, the DA is giving his summation. He says that Kate doesn't have the right to make the decision about the money, and the judge should let the case serve as an example for those who hold themselves above the law. Ed stands up and says that he agrees that Kate should serve as an example -- an example of a good person who does what it takes to do the right thing, even breaking the law. Ed argues that sometimes the ends justify the means. The judge looks skeptical. Ed adds that the judge knows him, and he didn't always think so, but now he's older and wiser. Ed concludes, "Sometimes, there's no way to do the right thing without getting your hands a little dirty in the process." Ed looks pointedly at the DA during this sentence.
Back with Nancy and Gretchen in the office. Gretchen has moved closer to Nancy and is saying that she doesn't think that she can have a career as an artist. Nancy says that it's possible, but that there are lots of careers for someone who can draw. Some guy comes up and calls Gretchen into his office. Gretchen follows him, but then pauses to tell Nancy that it was nice talking to her. Nancy wishes her luck. Gretchen walks into the guy's office, and as the door closes, Nancy sees the words "Guidance Counselor" written in big gold letters on the door. Wow, it's almost like a sign or something. Carol comes in and asks Nancy if they can talk. Nancy says no, and pulls Carol down the hall. Nancy says that she knows that she's a terrible teacher, and she's sorry if she put Carol in a bad position. Nancy says that she doesn't want to be a teacher anymore, but she knows what she does want to do. Carol asks what that is. Nancy says that she wants to be a guidance counselor, because she loves talking to the kids, but she hates teaching them. Carol thinks it's a great idea. Nancy says she's going to look into getting certified. Carol offers to set up a meeting with Dennis so Nancy can talk about it. Nancy thanks Carol and hugs her, and they go their separate ways. Nancy stops and asks Carol if she was going to fire her. Carol pauses and replies that Nancy will never know.
Ed and Kate stand outside the courtroom. Kate asks what's going on, and when they have to go back into the courtroom. Ed says that they don't, because they got the plea bargain. Kate hugs Ed because she doesn't have to go to jail. She asks Ed what he did. Ed watches the DA walk out, and then says that he's not proud of it. Kate asks what happened, and Ed says that he can't talk about it, but the important thing is that Kate is a free woman. Kate asks if she can take Ed out to dinner that night. Ed turns her down. Kate is surprised. Was she not paying attention? Kate leaves, dejectedly.
That night at Stuckey Bowl, the roast begins. Kenny walks up to the center of the head table. A bunch of kids are sitting at the head table, and the parents are sitting out in the audience. Kenny introduces Phil, who runs out and says, "Hey, Kenny. Paul Bunyan called and he wants his body back." Phil laughs at his own joke, but no one else does. Phil tells the kids that he needs "big showbiz laughs" on all the jokes. Phil asks the birthday boy, Dave King, if Stevie Wonder did his haircut. No one laughs. Phil introduces one of Dave's classmates, Howie. Phil makes fun of Howie's Dorothy Hamill haircut before turning over the microphone. Howie reads the jokes that Phil has prepared. The first is, "Dave, when you came out of the womb, the doctor slapped your mother." Everyone laughs. Howie continues, "But seriously, you are so dumb, you sit on the TV and watch the sofa." More big laughs. Ed looks around incredulously. Howie says, "When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down." Ed can't believe it's working. Phil hands a card to Dave, who reads, "Oh, yeah? You're so ugly that when you tried to enter an ugly contest, they said, 'Sorry. No professionals.'" People are falling down laughing. Ed smiles and shakes his head.
The gang cleans up after the roast. Carol walks in and asks what she missed. Ed explains that they roasted a nine-year-old. Carol says that it sounds "Stubbs-ian." Carol asks how Ed resolved his moral dilemma. Ed says that Kate got off, and Carol realizes that means that Ed blackmailed the DA. Carol thinks it means that Ed really likes Kate. Ed says that it has left a lousy taste in his mouth. Carol reminds him that he's an idealist who won't compromise. Ed tells Carol that there are some things that you can't compromise on, and some that you can. He continues, "New suit? Yeah. Dream house? Maybe. But the girl? You can't compromise on the girl." Ed walks away. Carol looks thoughtful, then concerned, and then smiles. Then she helps Ed picks up more trash.