Hey, loyal Ed recap readers. It's Kim. I'm just filling in for Uncle Bob because of his stupid television station, which is pre-empting the show for sports-related reasons. So, be kind and gentle. You know, like Uncle Bob would. Heh.
Previously on Ed: Carol and Jackass did it. Carol didn't tell Ed about it. Jackass brought a date to the Stuckey Bowl Christmas party, which pissed Carol off, and Carol realized that she was wrong about Jackass being a good guy. You think? Wow, I bet that means Carol has sworn off Jackass for good! Except that I've watched television before, so I know that won't happen.
Carol and Ed eat breakfast at the diner. Carol has ordered something called the Lumberjack Breakfast, which I refuse to believe Carol would eat. I admire the conceit that a pretty thin girl could eat eggs, bacon, sausage, and other manner of artery-clogging fare without blimping up or falling over dead, but you know what? Not that true. It does, however, give Ed a chance to say that he admires a girl who eats a lot. I don't really want to get into the whole politics of weight on this show, which is confusing at best, so I'll drop it. Anyway, Ed takes the opportunity to needle Carol about what Jackass eats for breakfast (when the answer is clearly, "Carol's self-esteem"). Carol claims that she wouldn't know. Ed can't believe that she wouldn't know what her boyfriend likes for breakfast. Carol says, "Dennis Martino is not my boyfriend." Ed recites the line with her in a high-pitched voice. Ed seems to be getting a big kick out of this; Carol, not so much. Ed claims that he's perceptive. Carol suddenly has laryngitis, and her voice is all scratchy. Carol claims that nothing has happened between her and Jackass. Ed says that it's his mistake, and then there is an Awkward Pause so that we know that neither of them really believes that.
Phil and Kenny are in the bowling alley. Phil's hair looks weird...er than usual, like a wig or something. Anyway, Phil gives Kenny crap about his zucchini-chopping technique. Kenny says that he's "julienneing the son of a bitch," but Phil claims that Kenny is actually chopping. Phil grabs Kenny's hand to show him the proper technique, and Kenny advises Phil to stop touching him. Just before a full-on brawl breaks out, Ed walks in and asks what's up. Phil explains that they are inventing a new food, and relates the tale of the invention of the Buffalo wing at the Anchor Bar. Phil and Kenny want to invent a legendary food that will put Stuckeyville on the map. Ed chuckles and asks what they've got. After a drum roll, Kenny and Phil unveil the "strawberry tallcake," which actually looks pretty good. Ed is not impressed. Also, if you're going to invent a food that will be known worldwide, you might want to pick something that's readily available in fresh quantities year-round. Like, not strawberries.
Carol and Molly discuss Carol's subterfuge regarding Jackass and Ed. Molly thinks that Carol should have told Ed she slept with Jackass. Carol points out that her fling with Jackass is over, so there's no reason to tell Ed. Molly agrees that maybe she should pretend it never happened. Carol wishes that were true, and tells Molly to learn from her mistakes and never date the boss. Well, while that is good advice, it also helps if your boss isn't a jackass. Molly wryly says that she's still working her way through the students. Carol laughs, and then looks at Molly questioningly until Molly clarifies that she is kidding.
Carol, Ed, Mike, and Nancy play pool at the bar. Mike says that he doesn't understand the concept of the Outback Steakhouse, because Australia has nothing to do with steak. He compares it to "the Greenland Spaghetti House." No one seems to care, and Nancy tells Mike not to let it bother him. Mike claims that he can't because he's "a man of logic." Suddenly, Big Pussy stands up in the corner. Ed greets him as Mr. Pazzuti, but I'm just going to call him Big Pussy because it will inject a little of that ribald humor you all are so used to from Uncle Bob, the master of ribaldry. Big Pussy announces that he's turning fifty on Sunday, and he wants to buy everyone a drink. Everyone cheers. Ed tells Carol that he worked for Big Pussy's fish store one summer, deveining shrimp. See, Big Pussy sleeps with the fishes, and now he owns a fish store.
Big Pussy comes over and introduces his wife, Kay. The gang all sits down at a table. Big Pussy and Kay rib each other. Ed asks what Big Pussy is going to do to celebrate his birthday, and Kay sighs, so we know they've been over this before. Big Pussy explains that, for his birthday, he wants two days of freedom, to eat, drink, and smoke whatever he wants. Kay adds that he also wants to be able to sleep with whatever he wants. Big Pussy confirms that is part of the deal, too. Nancy can't believe her ears. Big Pussy explains that he's been a faithful husband for twenty-five years, a good provider, and a hard worker, and now he just wants two days to do whatever he wants. Carol agrees, but I think she's just humoring him. Kay thinks that Big Pussy is embarrassing himself, but Big Pussy thinks that his friends know the realities of the world: "Guys love sexy ladies. They can't get enough of them. It's got nothing to do with how they feel about their wives." Big Pussy looks to Mike for confirmation, but Mike wisely takes the fifth. Big Pussy asks Ed, who seems confused. Big Pussy offers up an analogy: if he eats and enjoys a steak, it doesn't mean that he loves it. I'm not sure that works, exactly. I think we can assume that he doesn't have another steak at home who loves him and feels jealous that he's out with other beef products. Uncle Bob gets another shoutout when Kay laughingly calls her husband a jackass. Mike takes the opportunity to ask what Big Pussy thinks of the Outback Steakhouse, like I'm sorry that Mike doesn't have a subplot this week, but this is the best they could do? Big Pussy loves the Bloomin' Onion.
At school, Warren is taking some things out of his locker when Mark approaches, dressed in a suit. Warren asks what's up with the fancy duds, and Mark says that he has a Trig test and thought he would dress for success. Warren tells Mark that he looks like Mr. Belvedere. Heh. Jessica Martel walks by and says hello. Mark asks if Warren is really going to take Jessica out. Warren says that he is, and he really does think that Jessica meant it when she said that she would go with him. Diane approaches, and Mark asks if she really thinks that Jessica is going to go out with Warren. Diane takes credit for the date, and tells Warren that he needs to pin Jessica down to a time and place. Warren was just planning to "lay low and see what develops." Diane and Mark both think that's a bad plan.
Carol is walking down the hall when an announcement comes over the loudspeaker: Jackass wants her to report to the principal's office. Cut to Jackass sitting as his desk, playing solitaire on his laptop. Jackass gives educators a bad name. Carol shows up in his office, and he invites her in and tells her to close the door and sit down. Jackass asks her to have dinner with him Saturday night. Carol can't believe that he called her in to ask her that. Me neither! What an abuse of power. Carol rehashes the events thus far: Jackass slept with her, then brought another date to the Christmas party, and now he wants to have dinner. Jackass says that they are both adults, so he wonders why they are playing childish games. Jackass wants to have dinner together and "get past all this." Carol wonders if she's supposed to have dinner with him as if nothing happened. Jackass confirms that's the plan. Carol says no and walks out. Well, that's a step in the right direction, even if we all know that it won't last.
Phil and Kenny are ready to unveil another food invention to Ed. It's a grape sandwich. As in, two pieces of bread with whole grapes on it. Kay and Big Pussy show up and ask to see Ed in his office. As they walk off, Phil tries to find out what exactly is wrong with the sandwich. Kenny suggests that a touch of cream cheese might help. Actually, if you sliced the grapes and added cream cheese, that wouldn't be bad.
Ed escorts Kay and Big Pussy into his office. Big Pussy explains that Kay has agreed to give him his forty-eight hours. Now, Big Pussy is explaining that it was a joke, but Kay insists that Big Pussy really wants it. Ed wonders what that has to do with him. Kay explains that she doesn't want to wonder what happened during Big Pussy's free period, so she wants Ed to follow him around and report back to her what happened so that she can deal with it. Kay won't take no for an answer, so she leaves the two men to plan their time. Big Pussy thinks that it's a trap. Ed suggests that she's just trying to see if he'll say no. Big Pussy adds that he is going to say no. He and Ed shake hands, and Big Pussy departs. Well, that's over. Right?
Carol is sitting at her desk, doing teacher-type stuff, when an announcement comes over the loudspeaker. Jackass sounds pretty pissed off this time when he asks her to report to the office. Carol storms in and tells him that he's her boss, and that this tomfoolery needs to stop. Actually, she didn't say "tomfoolery," but that seems like a word they might use on this show. Jackass claims that it's business-related, and when Carol relaxes, he reveals that the Chinese food business depends on them. Carol breathes, "Oh, you are such a jerk." Thank you! Now, leave. Jackass tells her that she's "blowing this way out of proportion." Wow, he's going to tell her that she's got PMS or something. What a great way to win an argument. Carol says that she's not, and that she's been "in relationships with guys exactly like [him] ever since she was a teenager." Carol, honey? Therapy. Look into it. Carol claims that she no longer finds Jackass intriguing or compelling, and that he's just like every other manipulative jerk out there. Carol storms out, but not before telling Jackass that there is something unique about him: "You're the last jerk I'm ever going to date." Wow, that was almost believable. Except that we've still got a lot of time left in the episode.
Phil and Kenny unveil their latest creation for Ed. What I'm wondering is why the bowling alley has all these silver trays and lids lying around. Maybe when Phil ordered all the salt and pepper shakers, he snuck in some silver trays. Anyway, their latest creation is like chili dogs, except that they are chowder dogs. Which sounds really gross, but if you think about it, most chowder has bacon in it, which is also a pork product. So they would probably taste pretty good. Or not. Kenny explains with a flourish: "Also available Manhattan-style." Heh. Ed isn't impressed.
Big Pussy walks in and tells Ed that he's decided to take Kay up on her offer. Ed can't believe it. Big Pussy wants to go buy new pants for the adventure. Ed still can't believe it. Big Pussy says that Kay won't let him say no. They talked it through, and Big Pussy thinks she really wants him to do it. Ed thinks it's crazy, but Big Pussy needs some help buying new pants. Maybe he should talk to Mark. Apparently, they're having a clothing sale at the Big and Tall Men's store.
Warren walks down the street, and spots Jessica window-shopping. He steels his resolve and approaches her, trying to make small talk with typical Warren success. That is to say, none. Warren stammers out an invitation to do something together on Saturday night. He assumes that she's going to say no, and walks away. Jessica stops him and says that Saturday is fine. Warren is shocked but manages to confirm a time. Jessica says goodbye. Warren continues standing there, and then stutters that he forgot which one of them was looking at shoes. Luckily, Jessica finds that endearing.
Ed and Big Pussy are at the beauty salon. Big Pussy wants Ed to get a manicure, but Ed refuses. Man, he's dumb. Manicures rule. Anyway, Mike walks in and congratulates his "new hero," Big Pussy. Ed wonders why he seems to be the only guy who doesn't get why Big Pussy's deal is bad. Big Pussy says that it's because Ed isn't married. Mike agrees. Ed thinks it's depressing. Mike says it's uplifting. Ed wonders what's uplifting about a guy who's not being satisfied by his wife. Big Pussy says that he is satisfied. Ed still doesn't get why he wants to sleep with another woman. Big Pussy says again that it's because Ed isn't married. I can understand the urge, after being in a marriage or other long-term relationship, to have some freedom. But I would think that Big Pussy could go out, drink, smoke, eat, and flirt, and satisfy that urge without actually doing the deed with another lady. It seems like knowing that he could have is almost as good as actually doing it. Then again, I'm not a guy. Neither is Ed, apparently, because he doesn't get it either. Mike has picked up a bottle of temporary dye, and asks the barber about it. Mike turns to Ed, and offers him ten bucks. Cut to Ed walking out of the barber shop, sporting Manic Panic red hair, and looking pissed off.
Jackass comes into Carol's classroom and asks if she could spare a moment to chat in her free period. They go for a stroll. It totally looks like fall instead of winter there. Jackass tells an anecdote about how he shaves with a cheap plastic razor. He once had a really nice one, but he lost it, so now he uses the cheap ones and throws them away. Carol explains that she gets the metaphor but finds it "discomfiting." Also, did he just call her cheap and plastic? It's like in When Harry Met Sally, when Sally yells out, "Who is the dog in this scenario? Who is the dog? Me! I'm the dog." Jackass says that guys like him don't want the expensive razor because they might lose it. Carol points out that he really means "former alcoholics," and wonder when he's going to stop hiding behind that label, because bringing a date to the party was just "crappy behavior." Jackass muses that there is no such thing as a former alcoholic, and that he's always sure that he's going to lose everything again, so he wants everything to be disposable: razors, jobs, girlfriends. Jackass sighs and says he brought the date because he was trying to make Carol disposable. Carol starts to tell him off again, but Jackass interrupts to say that he tried to make her disposable, but he couldn't, because he likes her and wants to be with her. So he asks her to forgive him and gives her a present. Carol says she's always wanted a gold-plated razor. Jackass says that it's not for her and walks off. She fell for that? I'm sorry, but I would have told him to work out his issues on his own first, and then come see me when he was ready to see me as something more than an experiment in stability. Jackass. Plus, how rude is it to give her a present and then keep it for himself?
Ed and Molly eat at the diner. Ed asks how things are going with her and Jim. Hey, remember Jim? I'm glad they acknowledged him. Molly lies that things are going terrible, and then admits that things are going well, but he's off traveling and selling. Ed segues into talking about Carol and Jackass. Molly shuts up, because she thinks Ed is trying to trick her. Ed realizes that there's more to the story than what Carol is telling him. Ed reassures her that it's no big deal. Molly is worried that Carol will kill her. Ed keeps saying that it's no big deal, but his eyes say that it is.
Warren and Mark walk into a restaurant. Mark suggests that Warren change his name to Maurice for some reason, because it's cooler. Warren asks the guy at the podium for "a favor, a chooch." Warren keeps calling the guy Colonel as he explains that he's bringing a date in the night. The guy is confused until Mark clarifies that Warren needs a good table. Warren points out the table that he wants. The guy won't give it up, because it's "a four-top" and there will only be two of them. Warren tries to get his "twenty friends" to convince the guy, and then feels the need to explain that he's slipping the guy a twenty-dollar bill. The guy walks away, because it's ridiculous. Plus, the place has a salad bar. Do they even take reservations? How fancy of a restaurant could it be? Warren keeps talking about how special the night will be, and how he has a music CD prepared for them to play. Mark reminds Warren that he wanted the chef to come to their table and ask if everything is okay. The guy explains that his restaurant "isn't that kind of place," and offers to slide them some extra stuffed potato skins. Hee! Warren begs and whines, and finally the guy agrees to see what he can do, because he remembers his own first date. Warren is pleased, and takes the guy's name, which is Roger.
Ed and Mike have a discussion at the bowling alley. Ed paces and says that things are starting to happen between Carol and Jackass. Mike suggests that Ed just grab Carol and kiss her. Yeah, Mike! Ed, listen to him! Ed worries that his moment with Carol has passed. Mike opines that moments return. Ed is more upset that Carol felt the need to lie to him. Big Pussy walks in and they all admire the drape of his suit. Ed isn't really on board with this plan, but goes along.
The three men enter the Smiling Goat. Big Pussy is a little overwhelmed, and says that he needs to "get [his] sea legs back." Mike enthusiastically suggests that Big Pussy pretend that Mike is a woman and role play a conversation. Big Pussy gets the best line of the night: "This ain't Sleepless in Seattle, Chachi. Now, step aside and let the starving man have at the buffet." Ed thinks this is wrong. Mike is impressed that Big Pussy said "boo-fay."
Big Pussy walks up to three ladies at the bar. The ladies are arguing over which is the funniest word: "pimento, lugubrious, or squid." Big Pussy picks "pimento," and the winner of the bet offers to buy him a drink. This is what passes for barroom conversation these days? It's been a long time for me. Thank God. Molly, Carol, and Nancy join Ed and Mike. The women can't believe that the deal is going through. Mike points out that Kay is the real hero in the story, and goes on and on about it until Nancy tells him that it's never going to happen. Mike claims that he wasn't talking about himself. Nancy assures him that for his two-hundredth birthday, he can "have a bicentennial grab-ass." Heh. Carol asks Ed what's going on. Ed doesn't really want to talk to her, so he makes the excuse that he needs to keep tabs on Big Pussy, and leaves. Carol notices the tension.
Back at the bar, Big Pussy is still going on about why "pimento" is a funny word. Big Pussy introduces Ed to the ladies at the bar. One of them says that they have to go meet up with some friends. Big Pussy tries to convince them to stay, but Ed is fine with them leaving. The women leave, promising to be back the Thursday night. Ed thinks that maybe they should call it a night, but Big Pussy is just warming up. Carol walks up and asks to talk to Ed privately.
Carol and Ed go into a back room. Carol asks what's wrong with Ed; he denies that anything is wrong. Ed finally admits that Molly told him about Carol and Jackass. Carol guiltily says that she doesn't know what's going on with Jackass, even though they kissed. Ed doesn't need to know details. He's more upset that Carol lied about it to him with no hesitation. Carol apologizes again. Ed walks away all passive-aggressive.
Ed walks back up to Big Pussy as Squeeze's "Tempted" plays on the jukebox. Ed suggests that they go home. Big Pussy spots a lady named Jamie Brown, whom he knows from his business dealings. They flirt. Ed keeps trying to get Big Pussy to leave. Jamie asks Big Pussy to dance. Ed sighs and says that it's trouble. Later, Jamie and Big Pussy walk home with their arms around each other, and flirt some more. Ed follows behind. Big Pussy sends Jamie ahead to the lobby. He turns and tells Ed that he can take it from here. Ed asks him not to do it. Big Pussy says that he's going to do it. Ed wonders why he wants to ruin his marriage. Big Pussy says that there is "not another woman on the planet who can put the slightest dent in [his] feelings for Kay." Big Pussy claims that Kay is his best friend, and she wants him to have this. Then he walks into the hotel to do another babe.
The morning, Ed walks into the bowling alley to find Phil and Kenny about to unveil their latest creation. There are actual crowds lined up to see it. Kenny hands Ed a plate of chicken wings. Ed says that they're just Buffalo wings, but Phil claims that they are Stuckeyville wings. Big Pussy walks up and asks to talk to Ed.
The two men go into Ed's office and stare at each other for a few minutes. Finally, Ed chuckles and says that Big Pussy couldn't do it. Ed's all happy, until Big Pussy reveals that he did, in fact, do it. Ed doesn't want to believe it. Big Pussy says that it was great. Ed still doesn't want to believe it. Big Pussy doesn't think that they should tell Kay, because it will only hurt her. Ed reminds him that telling her is part of the deal. Big Pussy thinks that if Kay hears that he couldn't go through with it, it will make her happy. Ed has been saying that all along. Big Pussy thinks that they are in agreement. Ed made a promise. Big Pussy wants Ed to think about Kay. Ed is conflicted. You can tell by his sighs.
Carol catches up with Jackass on the way to the parking lot. She's thought about what he said, and she's going to give him a chance. Jackass asks if she's sure, and Carol says that she's not. She wants him to know that she's not disposable, and the first time she feels that he's treating her that way, she's out of there. All she's taught him is that she'll give him another chance. He's not that great a person, so I don't get this. The sex must have been really good for her to keep coming back. Jackass agrees to these terms. Carol suggests dinner. Jackass jokes that he already has a date. Carol isn't amused.
Warren takes a shower and sings "Jesse's Girl," but substitutes in "Jessica." Heh. Except I doubt that a kid Warren's age would know the words to that song. But anyway, Warren's fired up for his date.
Warren and Jessica arrive at the restaurant, and there's a big line. Jessica is cool with waiting, but Warren doesn't think that "a pretty lady" like Jessica should have to wait. He barges his way to the front of the line and asks for Roger, since some other guy is there. Wah wah wah. Roger called in sick. The wait is an hour and fifteen minutes. Warren protests and starts panicking. Jessica walks up to see what's going on, and assures him that she doesn't mind waiting. Warren walks up to the table he had picked out and asks the family to leave. Jessica manages to pull him away before he gets kicked out. Or his ass kicked.
Ed is fixing something at the bowling alley. Carol walks up and asks what happens now. Ed suggests that she tell him. Carol sits down and says that she had a big talk with Jackass, and they're together again. Ed asks if it's "Honesty Fest 2000." Shouldn't that be 2002? Carol reminds him that she apologized. Ed reminds her that he and Carol are not a couple, and he has no claims on her. Carol mumbles, "Now who's lying?" Ed hears her, so Carol reminds him that he avoided telling her about Bonnie Hane. At the time, Carol was mad, and yelled that she wanted to know about it, but really she was mad that Ed was with her. Ed asks if she's trying to say that he is jealous of Jackass. Carol says that she and Ed have become good friends, and sometimes it's not easy for "boys and girls" to be just friends; she knows this because it's not easy for her. I would have liked that speech a lot better if she had said "men and women." Carol leaves. Ed sighs again. He sighs a lot on this show. Maybe it's because he's so sexually frustrated since Bonnie left town.
Jessica and Warren are eating dinner and having a lively conversation about Harry Potter, both the book and the movie. It's cute. They bond over their shared inability to pronounce "Hermione," even though Hermione explains in the fourth book how to pronounce her name. Warren comments that he's surprised how cool Jessica is, because she's so "down to earth, and smart, and stuff." Jessica asks if he's surprised that she's not dumb and not a jerk. Warren tries to backpedal, but Jessica wonders what she ever did to make him think that she's "a stupid airheaded bitch." Warren tries to steer the conversation back to Quidditch. Jessica asks why he asked her out if he thought she was so terrible. Warren says that he likes her. Jessica says that he doesn't even know her, and sarcastically adds that she doesn't suppose her looks had anything to do with it. Okay. I can accept that Jessica is often stereotyped due to her looks. But it's their first date. How much is Warren really supposed to know about her? Yes, it was a dumb thing to say. But is she surprised that Warren stuck his foot in his mouth? Warren tries to explain it. Jessica explains that she was sick of "stupid, shallow relationships," but she's not seeing how things with Warren are any different. Warren has nothing to say. Jessica storms out. Warren drops some money on the table and follows her. As he walks out the door, Diane is standing there, because she wanted to see "the results of [her] grand experiment." Diane needs to get a hobby, and get over her crush on Warren. I like Warren and all, but she could do better. Warren and Diane watch Jessica walk away. Diane asks if Jessica is everything Warren imagined she would be. Warren sadly replies, "No. She's so much cooler." Diane's face falls.
Ed sits glumly in the darkened bowling alley. Big Pussy and Kay walk in. Kay is there to get her report on Big Pussy's freedom weekend. Ed hesitates and sighs again. Big Pussy steps up and says that he did it. He confesses that he asked Ed to lie, but he realizes that he never lied to Kay before, and he can't start now. Kay looks disappointed, but says, "Okay, then." They get up to leave. Ed asks if she's fine with Big Pussy sleeping with another woman. Kay says she does care, but that Big Pussy is her best friend, and he wanted to have an experience, so she made a sacrifice. Ed asks whether she's upset that her husband cheated on her. Is it cheating if she gave permission? Kay claims that 70% of all married men cheat on their wives, and most wives never find out. Jesus, is that true? I did a search on Google to try to find out, but it was too depressing, because a lot of articles had that statistic even higher. Anyway. Kay claims that cheating is lying, and that her husband didn't lie. Ed asks whether it changes everything. Kay sits down and gives Ed a little lecture on what two people go through in twenty-five years of marriage. She lists off births, deaths, disasters, problems with money and kids. So, "one meaningless night in a bar with a girl barely even makes the list." Big Pussy helps Kay on with her coat and then offers to take her to the diner for some eggs. And just like that, everything is fine. Okay, then.
Ed runs up and knocks on Carol's door. She doesn't answer, so he walks out to see if any lights are on. She comes to the door in a robe and reminds him that it's after midnight. She is, however, wide awake. Ed tells her that Big Pussy slept with another woman, and that Kay was upset, but that she wanted to make a sacrifice for her best friend, and that it was okay, because her husband didn't lie to her. Ed says that it reminded him that the only way he and Carol will be able to remain friends is if they are honest with each other. Carol gets upset and says that she's apologized many times, so she doesn't know what to say. Ed clarifies that he was the one who wasn't honest. He doesn't like the fact that she's with Jackass. But all he asks is that Carol be honest with him so that Ed's not the guy in the dark, and that she should tell Jackass that too, so that he knows it's not a secret. I'm so sure that Jackass cares. It's all a setup for Carol's line, as she says that she'll tell Jackass...now. Ed doesn't get it at first, but then realizes that Jackass is in Carol's bed as they speak. That must have been some dinner. Carol looks upset that she had to break it to Ed that way. Ed walks away, then turns back to tell Carol that her robe is really ugly. It is. Ed says that he's just being honest. Carol says that she appreciates it, and walks inside. Ed walks off, alone. Like Shane. Or something.