Previously on Ed, Dr. Jerome berated Mike since time began for being a boob, a three-legged otter, and plenty of more disparaging insults. Warren has been following Diane's well thought-out plans for Martel domination. Apparently nothing else has happened in Stuckeyville. That's it. When you hear that Stuckeyville's a boring little burg, BELIEVE IT, people.
We kick off in the bowling alley, where Ed is behind the counter at the snack bar telling Mike that, when he was younger, he would fantasize about someday becoming a bartender. Which is kind of ironic, because when I was younger I wanted to own a bowling alley, and I married a bartender. Paging Alanis Morrissette! Mike points out that when he was younger, he would fantasize about Loni Anderson, which demonstrates the difference between the two friends with bone-chilling clarity. A guy starts walking toward the two dimwits as Mike blurts, "Ten dollars if you can get this guy to say the words 'Tater Tots' in thirty seconds, but you can't say the words yourself." Ed's up for the challenge, and asks the guy what they call those little fried potatoes. The guy says, "French fries?" Ed says no, that he means tiny fried potato nuggets. The guy says he has to use the can, and doesn't have time to help Ed. Ed gets desperate and is practically verbally assaulting the guy. "String beans," the guy says, all confused. "No!" Ed yells. "They're crispy on the outside and tender on the inside!" "Tater tots!" the guy says, entering the bathroom. Ed beams as he slams his hands down on the counter. Mike informs Ed that it took thirty-two seconds. Ed suffers the agony of defeat as Mike chuckles.
Clem Snide welcome us to Stuckeyville with their theme song "I Am You And You Are Me." This week, the song reminds me of the sound an elderly woman would make while having her eyelids shaved off with a straight razor. And by the way, maybe I'm not the hep cat that I once was, but what kind of name is Clem Snide for a band? Am I the only one who pictures a 110-lb. hillbilly in torn overalls, chewing on some straw, plucking on a banjo with three strings when he hears the name Clem Snide?
Commercials. I see Jason Alexander is still hawking KFC. If I were him, I would be furious with Jerry Seinfeld. When Jerry decided to pull the plug on his show, he probably knew in the back of his mind that the only steady gig George Costanza could ever get would be badgering people about their choice of greasy fast foods and shoving fried chicken in their faces. There must have really been a behind-the-scenes war between those two. I'm sure the E! Network will fill us in about it at a later date.
Back in the alley, Phil's reading a book about body language; now he's convinced that he's a master at reading people. He tells Ed that, with one glance, he knows all their secrets. Ed falls for this bull malarkey and tells Phil to read him. Phil studies Ed for a few seconds and says, "You're Dutch." Ed laughs and says he's not. Phil says that even though his mouth says "no," his body screams, "I'm Dutch!" You know...Mr. T. has the same problem. His mouth says "no," but his body says, "I'm a latent homosexual who finds all these gold chains pretty." A guy by the name of Bob Arnowicz walks in. It turns out that Bob and Ed went to Stuckeyville High together and participated in more than their fair share of Friday night circle jerks. Ed asks Bob how he's doing, and Phil interjects that he wants to "read" Bob to determine how he's doing. Phil studies Bob for a few seconds and says, "He wants to have sex with you, Bossco." Wisely, Bob and Ed go into his office, presumably to have sex. Bob says that he's now a clerk at Staples which has its perks, like free Wite-Out. You know, as a teen, I worked at a doughnut shop, and that had its perks as well: the boss looked the other way if he found us sexually assaulting the jelly doughnuts during slow periods in the day. I mean, welcome to Perk City! As it turns out, Bob's being sued. You see, Bob's not good with women. He's boring, unattractive, and built like a bag of peat moss. He asks out lots of women but is constantly rejected. To document these painful rejections, Bob has started a website, Bobs-Rejections.com. ["I'd link to it, but the short-sighted Ed producers haven't actually bought the domain name, so the site doesn't exist." -- Wing Chun] On the site, Bob posts pictures of the women rejecting him, the stories behind the rejections, and the women's names. Bob does this by using the computer of his Uncle Bernie, with whom Bob lives. As I stated earlier, I'm so delusional that I am convinced that this was a shout-out to me and my wack recapping skillz, because the words "Uncle" and "Bob" were mentioned in a ten-second span of television time. ["And the internet, too!" -- Wing Chun] Then again, I've always thought Connie Chung has a thing for me and that Leonard Cohen writes every one of his songs with me in mind. Hindsight being 20/20, I probably shouldn't have eaten that brown acid in '78. So anyway, Bob's being sued for $50,000 by his latest rejection, who claims he's humiliated her. Ed finds this hard to believe, until Bob tells Ed that his site got half a million hits the month. Ed's shocked and wants to know how the site got so popular. Three words, Ed: "God bless Google." Bob says that if he loses this case, his life is over. The guy lives with his uncle and is trying to put his younger brother through college. Fifty grand is slightly more than chump change to the loser. Ed asks if he profits from the site, and Bob says he doesn't. Ed says he'll take the case. Bob feels better already. I missed the rest of the scene, because I was too busy calling everyone I know, telling them about the whole "Uncle"/"Bob" reference. They were about as impressed as you are.
Warren walks into the Smelly Goat and sees Jessica sitting at a table with Jake and Fozzkat. Warren tells Jake that he threw a kick-ass party the other night, and that he especially enjoyed the super-giant corn chips. He could have done without the massive ass-thrashing he received at the hands of the jocks in attendance, but that's neither here nor there. He asks to sit down with them, and they grudgingly allow him to sit at their table. He asks if they're eating "mootzarelllla" sticks. Jessica says that they're pronounced "mozzarella" sticks. Warren sticks by his corny, accented phrasing of the word because that's how the Italians say it. He then accidentally knocks a plate of food into his lap, which sends the jocks and Jessica into peals of laughter. In a fit of uninspired lunacy, Warren feels that if a lapful of food makes them laugh, how would they react if he begins pouring food all over himself? He throws a drink against his chest, saying, "Whassamatta you? You find thissa funny?" like Chico Marx on 'ludes. He then pours a glass of milk over his head which has the jocks howling at his ignorance. Warren is eating up the attention while America collectively cringes at his stupidity.
Mike's in his office singing "Day-o," except he's changed the lyrics to "Dayyy-o. Thursday come, no more Dr. Jerome." He checks off another date on his calendar as he inches closer to Jerome's retirement date. Wendy the receptionist buzzes Mike to let him know that Jerome wants to see him. Mike drags his heels, but makes his way to Jerome's office.
Back at the alley, special guest star Jay Thomas walks in and asks Phil if he might be able to help him find Bob Arnowicz. Phil looks at him and then says he looks familiar. Thomas smiles and asks if Phil watches Court TV. Phil snaps his fingers and says, "You're Johnnie Cochran!" Thomas says no, and introduces himself as Gary Siringo, the name by which I will be referring to him for the rest of the recap. Phil studies Siringo for a moment and then says, "Do you own a gerbil?" Siringo says no. "A hamster?" No. "A ferret?" Uhhhh....no. Meanwhile, Shirley has gone to get Ed to tell him that Gary Siringo is in the bowling alley as Phil grills him about domesticated rodents. Ed comes bounding out, saying how he's a huge fan of Siringo's. Phil's still not sure where he knows Siringo from, and asks if he's the guy who replaced Judge Wapner, which I find funny because everyone knows that Ringo Starr replaced him. Siringo asks Ed and Bob if they know how important this case is. Basically, Bob is being sued for telling the truth. Siringo says that the internet is young and impressionable and that if you give it a candy cane and tell it to get in your truck because its mommy has been in a wreck, there's all kinds of things you can do with it. Sorry...bad childhood flashback, there. Siringo has had his staff combing the books trying to find a case like this one; when they found out about it, his ass hit his car seat and the combination of fine Corinthian leather and his buttocks carried him all the way to Stuckeyville. In a nutshell, Siringo wants to act as co-counsel for this case because this is big. Bigger than Warren's friend, MegaMark. He's even going to do it for no charge. There's no way that Ed and Bob can turn down Gary Siringo's co-counsel at no charge, so they make a deal with the devil and let him get involved with the case. Ten minutes into the show and I can tell this is a bad idea.
Speaking of MegaMark, he and Diane are sitting in Spanish class cooking a tortilla when Warren comes busting up in the joint. Warren has discovered the Holy Grail to getting in Jessica Martel's thick cotton undies. MegaMark cringes and says that he comes to Spanish class to relax; he doesn't want to hear Warren's latest and lamest scheme. Warren shares his plans anyway: he's going to be the class clown. He relays the story of making Jessica, Jake, and Fozzkat crack up by humiliating himself at lunch. MegaMark says he never found Warren funny -- at least, not in the manner of Whose Line Is It Anyway? Remind me sometime to tell you just how much I hate that "improv" show. I don't have time right now, but that show's about as funny as a bleeding hernia to me. Warren tells MegaMark that today his line was funny and had Jessica Martel howling. Diane grabs Warren and marches him out into the hallway, which is very believable, because I remember getting up and walking out of class constantly in high school. No teacher would dare question my intentions, because I was the king mack daddy pimp Uncle Bob. Kinda like Diane, except without the head full of curls and icy demeanor. Meanwhile, MegaMark's tortilla catches fire, and he starts to weep, realizing that his 10:48 AM snack is gone, and now he'll have to wait until his 10:54 AM snack time comes along.
In the hall, Diane tells Warren that he's screwing up her master plan, and that the class clown is not a true member of the hiearchy of the inner circle of cool people. She reminds him that, in all the movies, the leading man gets the girl, not the wacky sidekick. Warren's senses her motives as jealousy because she didn't think of the idea to turn him into Jim Carrey Jr. first. Diane gets frustrated with the moron and leaves him alone in the hallway.
Mike enters Dr. Jerome's office, where Jerome is reading the latest Andy Rooney anthology. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I read all of Andy Rooney's books as a youngster and consider him to be one of my comedic idols. This may explain my crusty curmudgeon style of writing even though I'm actually only twenty-two years old. Jerome tells Mike that he knows Mike has organized a retirement party for him, and he wants Mike to call it off. He says he's not ready to say goodbye, and that he's decided to postpone his retirement. Mike says it's okay; they'll stick the cake in the freezer. He asks when Jerome plans on retiring -- maybeee...Monday? Jerome says he's not retiring, and that he has several good years still left in him. Mike disagrees, and tells him that he's old; Mike then starts suffering a panic attack. Mike says that Jerome promised him he'd inherit the practice, and that Jerome can't just up and decide to keep working. Mike opens the office door and tells Wendy the receptionist to bring the cake, he needs the cake, serve the cake! Jerome snaps "You control yourself!" at Mike, and Mike flies into a Stuckeyville rage which is a lot like your normal rage, except that it's much more contained, simple, and devoid of any words that may begin with "M.F." Mike tells Jerome that he needs to control himself, and that Mike quits. Jerome looks slightly shocked, and Mike announces it again. He's done with Jerome; he quits. Mike storms out of Jerome's office. Jerome gets on his intercom and tells Wendy not to serve the cake.
Commercials. Rachel and Joey have kinky sex on Friends. In the clip, Rachel asks Joey if he's scared, and Joey says he's "terrified." I'm guessing it's got something to do with rubber hoses, nipple clamps, and starving pit bulls.
At the Stinking Goat, Bob and Ed are waiting on Siringo, who's forty minutes late. They decide that Siringo's a busy guy, and that they should conduct their meeting without him. Ed wants Bob to walk him through the night he met Jo Ann. Bob says he started the evening with a shit, shower, and shave. Ed asks him to fast-forward a couple of hours, because Ed just finished a meatloaf sandwich and is in no mood to hear about a loser taking a dump. So Bob showed up at the Goat and saw Jo Ann. She's his dental hygienist. He'd always thought she was cute, so he walked over to her and asked if he could buy her a drink. She said, "I don't think so, Captain Staples," which made the five or six girls with her crack up laughing. At that point, everyone in the place was craning their necks to see what's so funny, because when five or six dental hygienists start cackling, it sounds like a gaggle of geese being covered in hot tar. Soon everyone in the Goat was laughing at him. Ed chuckles a bit himself and then says, "We just won the case." Ed must have those amazing Miss Cleo-like skills working overtime, because I don't even recall them going to court yet.
In Mike's office, George Michael's "Freedom" is playing while Nancy helps Mike pack his stuff up in boxes. Nancy's dancing to the music. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. By sheer instinct, I start pinching my nipples and drooling, dropping my pen to the floor as I stare blankly at the screen. Suddenly, Dr. Jerome bursts into the room and I feel like a dirty, dirty boy. I snap out of my hypnotic state, pick the pen back up, and resume scribbling notes at a furious pace. Jerome asks them what they're doing; Nancy gets in Jerome's face and says something to the effect that she's helping Mike get the hell out of this office. If I had been Jerome, it would have taken every inch of will power I had to not spin Nancy around by the shoulders and bend her over an examining table and get a better look at her butt in those tight jeans. My God. This gal has got it goin' on and a bag of chips. Jerome tells Mike that he can't leave because he signed a contract to work for two more years or until Jerome retires. Jerome leaves, and Nancy says that he can't possibly abide by that contract. Mike says Jerome can make Mike stay...but he won't want to. Ah! The plot thickens! Kinda like my pee-pee every time Nancy gets some air time.
At school, Warren spots Jessica and a friend whose name I didn't catch, so we'll just call her "Snippy Little High School Bitch." Warren wants to introduce them to Mr. Belly; he pulls up his shirt and shows them a huge face he's drawn all over his torso with lipstick and Magic Markers. He makes Mr. Belly talk in a high voice, saying he comes from the land of bellies. This has Jessica and Snippy Little High School Bitch cracking up like it was something those morons would do on Whose Line Is It Anyway? They leave, giggling, and Warren considers his latest stab at Class Clowndom a wild success. He spots Diane staring at him with disgust. He triumphantly saunters over to her and says that his class clown act seems to be working better than her "ignore Jessica" tactics. Diane does a slow burn, because she wanted Warren all to herself, and now he's actually starting to work his way into Jessica's icy cold heart.
Dr. Jerome is with a patient when Mike walks in, asking what they taught Jerome in med school back in 1906, and how much Jerome's Tic Tac-sized brain retained. Jerome is about to short-circuit with anger. He tells Mike to leave at once. Mike doesn't leave, and asks who in the room is operating with a thirty-year-old handbook; he then suggests that it's Jerome. Mike leans into Jerome's patient's face and tells him that he's being treated by a ninety-six-year-old squid, and that Mike has two words for the patient: "Second opinion." Jerome tells Mike again to get out of the room, and Mike leaves with Jerome hot on his trail. Jerome says he knows what Mike's doing, and that it's not going to work. Mike says that he's noticing that Jerome is a tiny little man, and that Mike can see the top of his head from where he stands. Jerome says he will keep Mike at that practice until he decays. Mike asks if Jerome's ever considered Rogaine. Jerome storms off, and Mike says, "Later, Tiny!" Which, as a matter of fact, was my nickname on my high school football team. Originally, it was "Mad Dog," until after the first practice when we all showered afterwards. Then it was changed to "Tiny." I never knew why. People are strange with their selection of nicknames, I guess.
Ed's in his office when Siringo walks in. Siringo apologizes for missing the Hot Steamy Goat meeting, and takes a seat. Ed gets on his intercom and asks Shirley to bring Mr. Siringo....suddenly, Shirley's right there, holding out a corn dog for Siringo. Ed finishes his sentence "...some coffee. Or a corn dog." Ed tells Siringo that he's found a way to win this case. Since Jo Ann rejected Bob in a very public way by playing to a crowd of her friends and the people at the Vomiting Goat, she automatically gave up her First Amendment rights. Siringo says that they're not going to use the privacy arguments. Ed's confused, and Siringo says that yes, they could win with that evidence, but that sometimes winning isn't everything. Siringo doesn't want Ed going "small-town" on him, and says that sometimes the cause is bigger than the man. Siringo's idea is to lose the case. Appeal the case and lose it again. And keep appealing all the way to the Supreme Court, which is the only way it will get the attention it deserves. Which would seemingly be the cover of Losers Monthly magazine. Ed begins to smell what Siringo is cooking. He wants to keep the case tied up in the courts for years because the internet is still young. It's fresh snow, Siringo wants to make tracks in the snow, and with this case, they can do just that. Plus they can even find time to piss in the snow if they want and force each other face-first into the yellow snow while laughing like hyenas. Siringo congratulates Ed and says, "You've stumbled into the big time." Which, as we should all remember, is worlds better than stumbling into a fresh pile of dog doody.
Commercials. Orville Redenbacher's new catch phrase is "Get Orvillized!" Wouldn't that be another word for "dead"? Hasn't Orville been dead for several years now? I can almost understand "Get Reaganized!" which would mean getting so stoned that you forgot where you lived. At least you're still alive when you're Reaganized. I just think it's a bad marketing move on Orville's Opie Taylor-looking son. Eat Dad's popcorn...AND DIE!
Eh. So anyway, Nancy's bringing groceries into the house and yells to Mike that she has bought him a present...Steakumms! Mike steps into the kitchen dressed like Dr. Jerome. All right, I've heard of people and their various kinks in the bedroom, but if you have to dress up like your octogenarian boss to help your wife get her rocks off, that's where I usually draw the line. Nancy jumps when she sees him and says he almost scared the...Steakumms out of her. Mike tells her that he's going to work dressed like this and that he actually spent $12 on the bald cap. He seems quite proud of the bald cap. He's doing a pretty lousy impression of Jerome when Nancy asks him if this is how he wants it to end between him and Jerome. They have been through a lot together, and it just doesn't seem right to end their relationship in a battle of vicious and nasty barbs. Mike tells Nancy that it's wrong to go against family, and that she should be on his side, but she's not budging on this one.
Sitting on top of the Stuckey Bowl, Mike and Ed are throwing ice cubes into a trash can down below. I guess they got bored with Pick-Up Sticks, because this has to be the absolute most boring pastime a person can have. Ed says he feels small. While Siringo is out to change the world, this is a case they could easily win without the long, drawn-out hassle that Siringo wants to attach to it. Siringo thinks big and is willing to go all the way to the Supreme Court with this case. And while he's thinking about the Supreme Court, he's not thinking about Bob Arnovicz. Mike -- who has his own damned problems, thank you -- has just about had enough of Ed's whining, and tosses him off the roof of the Stuckey Bowl and through the windshield of a car in the parking lot. People scream in the parking lot as some ominous music starts to play. Mike puts on a hockey mask, picks up a chainsaw and jumps to the ground below, chopping people's appendages off with a swing of the blade, the whole time screaming, "I'm Dr. Jerome's butt boy! I'm Dr. Jerome's butt boy!!"
Okay. Not really. But man...wouldn't that be some kind of crazy?
In Carol's classroom (yes, Carol shows up in this episode for a few minutes. This episode must have been filmed while she needed time off to go on her whirlwind of press junkets to help promote Joe Somebody, which has so far accumulated $47.50 at the box office), it's Teacher-Student Day. This is the day that she sits amongst the students while one of the students teaches class. Just our luck, today is Warren's day to teach the class. But Warren isn't in the classroom. Carol makes some snide comment about Warren not being able to carry her tampons in a classroom setting, which was completely out of character for Carol and may have just came from my overactive imagination; I'm not quite sure. Just then, Warren comes in, dressed as Carol. He looks like a really bad Lily Tomlin impersonator. As he starts acting really stupid, the class cracks up -- all except for Diane, who just glares at him. Warren asks MegaMark to answer a question, and MegaMark's having trouble catching his breath from laughing so hard while saying, "You're killing me, Cheswick!" Uhhhh...no, double M. What's killing you are the fourteen cheeseburgers you polished off at lunch. Warren says that George Orwell was on crack cocaine when he wrote Animal Farm, which has the class in stitches. Ray Charles starts singing "Everything's Going My Way" as we see shots of Jessica smiling and laughing at Warren. It looks like the Chezzcat may soon be showing up for class with Jessica's panties on his head. He's scoring points like Michael Jordan now.
Ed and Siringo meet in Ed's office. Siringo is talking about how great a small town Stuckeyville is: "Norman Rockwell, grab a brush!" Ed tells Siringo that they can't string Bob along. The man doesn't have the money for this kind of protracted court battle, besides which he just wants it all to be over with, and for it to go away. So the best thing to do is to admit the evidence that Jo Ann humiliated Bob first, and let the case be won. Siringo disagrees, and tells Ed that they can make a big difference in the lives of people across the globe if they take this case all the way to the Supreme Court. They argue a bit, and Siringo tells Ed to withdraw from the case, since Siringo's the one who brought down the big tobacco companies. Ed reminds Siringo that Bob came to him, not to Siringo. We obviously have a couple of hard-headed lawyers here butting heads over the best interests of a client. This reeks of The Practice and you really don't wanna get me started on my hatred for The Practice right now. I'm liable to get all John Walker on your ass.
Dr. Jerome is sitting in his office when Mike walks in. Mike asks for a moment of Jerome's time; Jerome is wary of the shenanigans Mike wants to pull. I think Jerome fully expects Mike to toss a bag full of roadkill on his desk. Mike admits that he was going to come in here to keep their little war going, but that he doesn't want things between them to end that way. He tells Jerome that he's a nasty bitter man...but that he's also seen things in that office that he admired. Jerome has taken care of an entire town for several decades. Mike admits that it's been a privilege to work there alongside Jerome. So Mike tells him that the war is over, and that he's decided to stay there. Now, just how difficult things stay between them is up to Dr. Jerome. Jerome is perplexed, and still has his hands protecting his face from any errant roadkill parts flying through the air.
Warren walks up to Jessica at her locker. Jessica admits that when Warren dressed up as Carol, it had to be the funniest thing she's ever seen, and that he was awesome. Warren fights the urge to unzip his pants and show her the real funniest thing she'll ever see. Jessica says that Warren is really funny; then she kinda stares at him with lust in her eyes. Warren blurts, "Let's go to Starbucks after school." Jessica's face gives new meaning to the word "glum" as she says she's got stuff to do, and is sorry but she can't go with him. I'm betting she has cartoons to watch or something equally trivial. Warren turns from class clown/playboy back to stuttering geek in a matter of seconds. "That's cool," he stammers. "I've got to help my uncle build a log cabin today, anyway." He tells her they can do it some other time as she walks away from the creep. Diane skips into the scene, wondering in how many languages she can say "I told you so." Warren says he doesn't get it: in every single Playboy Playmates portfolio, they all say they like a man with a sense of humor. Diane has a simple explanation for that: they're all lying. She tried to tell him that the clown never gets the girl. Hallelujah, Diane. Nearly every day of my senior year, ol' Uncle Bob showed up to school in a ballet tutu and slippers. I got laid a total of zero times. Looking back, it's a shame I was never into S&M because I did manage to get my ass kicked several hundred times that year.
Siringo and Ed have called Bob to Ed's office. They both want to plead their case to Bob; Ed agrees to let Siringo go first. Siringo blurts, "Ed's trying to lose this case for you." Ed's head snaps as he barks, "He's lying!" Siringo tells Bob that Ed wants to keep losing this case all the way to the Supreme Court. Ed asks Bob how long they've known each other; Bob says since high school, but that they didn't keep in touch. Siringo says that he's been to the Supreme Court twice and does not want to go back anytime soon, but that Ed obviously does. Ed tells Bob that Jo Ann cannot possibly win this case; Siringo tells Bob that he needs to make a decision as to who will represent him. Bob thinks about it for a second and tells Ed that they should listen to Siringo because he's been on the TV. Siringo grins and tells Ed not to worry; Ed will get to the Supreme Court someday. Bob and Siringo leave the office. Phil looks at Ed and says, "I can tell that you're...upset," thereby offering his first correct body-language reading of the show. Ed feels small. In a small town. A guy in a small town. Just a small-town guy. Hence the title of this episode.
Late that night, Ed's bowling alone in the alley when Carol walks in. Carol says, "It's a little late to be bowling, Earl Anthony." Ed's impressed that Carol actually knows a pro bowler by name, and says he'll buy her dinner if she can name two more. She hesitates and says, "Dick Webber." He says, "One more," and she offers up Earl Anthony again. They chuckle, and she says she was just driving by and wanted to know how he was doing. Once again, Ed tells a friend that he's feeling small. Carol decides to use her amazing tools of deduction and guesses that it's Gary Siringo making him feel that way. Ed starts babbling like a little kid confessing in an outpouring of emotions that he stole cookies out of the cookie jar -- how Gary is losing on purpose and refuses to make the admission that Jo Ann humiliated Bob first, etc. He's upset that Bob likes Gary better because Gary's been on TV and wears fancy suits while Ed wears a bowling shirt. Carol says she thinks he looks good in his bowling shirt, and then squeals, "Verne Stanley!" Ed says he never heard of Verne Stanley. Carol picks up a ball and fixes on the lane before sighing a heavy sigh. "He was my second-grade violin teacher," she says, as Ed smacks her on the ass. I wanna move to Stuckeyville, so I can smack my female friends on the ass and they just laugh it off. Starting with Nancy.
Jerome tracks Mike down at the office and asks if he shoots pool. Mike's taken aback and says, "Yeah." Jerome tells him to come with him. I get a mental image of Mike tied naked to a pool table and Jerome cueing up to smack Mike's balls silly.
In court, Siringo is offering his closing statements. He's insulting the hell out of the jury by saying things like "I want you all to open up your small-town minds and try to understand a concept. I want Stickeyville to come join me in the twenty-first century for a moment." Ed tells Bob what's going on and says that if the jury isn't making eye contact with Siringo, then Bob is sure to lose. Sure enough, every member of the jury is avoiding eye contact with Siringo as if he was naked and playing with himself like a monkey. Siringo closes his statement thus: "C'mon...would a famous lawyer steer you people wrong?" Ed asks Bob if he can step in and save this case. Bob about swallows his tongue trying to get out the word "Yes!" Ed jumps up and says that he wants to add something to the closing statement. The judge has no patience for such tomfoolery; he says he's going to count to three, and by the time he gets to three, these two co-counsel had better have their shit together. Siringo tells Ed not to do this, and Ed says he has to. The judge asks Bob who he wants to represent him; Bob stands up and says, "I want ED!" as the patriotic Frank Capraesque music swells. Siringo mutters, "You're making a big mistake" as the judge asks Siringo, "What law school did YOU go to, TV Boy?" Holy cow. Even the judge is turning on Siringo. Ed tells the jury that Siringo called Ed a small-town guy and told him to get out of Siringo's way with this case, but the truth is that Jo Ann humiliated Bob first at the Sinister Goat. Siringo argues that Ed can't introduce evidence now. Ed continues and says that Siringo's plan was to lose this case and to keep appealing it until it got to the Supreme Court. A shocked gasp flows over the courtroom. The judge says that he has no choice but to declare this case a mistrial. Bob and Ed are excited while Siringo grumbles. Jo Ann's attorney leans over to Ed and Bob and says, "There won't be another trial" as they leave. Bob asks what that means, and Ed grins, saying that they're dropping the charges because they know they can't win now. Bob's overjoyed. Siringo tells Ed that he's a good lawyer, adding that it's too bad he's stuck in Stuckeyville, and that there was no pun intended on that wisecrack. Ed just looks at Siringo and says, "I like it here." The swelling Frank Capraesque music threatens to blow out my windows as the scene thankfully ends.
Jerome and Mike are shooting pool in some skanky pool hall where whores have taken over the bathrooms as their personal brothels and beer bottles are broken on the bar to settle pool debts of ten dollars or less. Jerome's on a roll, sinking every ball he smacks. He tells Mike that his speech that morning reminded him of someone else a long time ago -- a stubborn but good doctor who thought he knew everything there was to know about medicine. Mike smiles and says, "You mean yourself?" and Jerome says, "No, I'm talking about Lenny Stitzle." Jerome started this practice by himself, and it's his baby. Mike goes to sink a ball, and Jerome tells him that he can't possibly make that shot. Mike insists that he can make the shot. Jerome tells him that his youthful exhuberance is clouding his judgement. Jerome asks Mike if he thinks he's ready to handle a practice by himself. Mike stands up straight and says, "Yes, I think I am." Jerome says, "Okay. You're fired," and then turns to leave. Mike thanks him, thinks about what just happened, and goes to sink his shot. Naturally, he misses the ball, which could be a foreshadowing of his success to come with his own practice. Then again, he could just be a lousy pool player. I don't write the damned show, only the recaps. Just then, we hear a beer bottle cracking and the camera pans over to a frothing Dr. Jerome, holding a broken beer bottle in his hand and slowly circling Mike.
Ed is sitting at the snack bar in the bowling alley, celebrating his victory, when Warren walks up. He's all long-faced like the kid in Mask, and Ed tells him to spill his guts on what's bothering him. Warren says that Jessica won't go out with him. Ed tells him that there's nothing wrong with being the little guy who doesn't go out with the cheerleaders. And besides, it's Jessica's problem if she can't see what a catch Warren is. Ed starts fondling Warren's ass, and Warren shoots him a look like, "Dude!" Warren thinks about what Ed just said, sees Jessica tossing a ball down a nearby alley, and goes to talk to her. Ed thinks he's making a big mistake. Mike walks in all happy because he just got fired and stabbed Dr. Jerome to death with a broken beer bottle. Ed grins and says, "Great," as they hug, and Ed desperately fondles Mike's ass. Ed asks what Mike is going to do now, and Mike answers, "Go wash your cooties off my ass." Then he says that he's going to start his own practice. They both sit down, feeling good about their respective wins over the bigger man.
Warren walks up to Jessica and asks to talk to her. She agrees. He thanks her for not going out with him. He then tells her that she needs to stay with Jakey and Fozzcat because they're more her style. He ends by saying, "See you around," before walking away. Jessica tells him to stop, which he does, like a trained puppy. Jessica then calmly asks Warren if he'd like to go to the movies. Warren gives her an emotionless "yes." He then walks away, tripping, and falling on the floor. He assures her that he's okay as he gets up and walks back to Ed and Mike. Ed asks how it went, and Warren says it went okay...he's going out with Jessica Martel. Ed's more excited than Warren as he asks if Warren's kidding; Warren tells Ed to be cool. Ed notes that today his case ended in a mistrial, Mike got his own practice, and Warren got the girl. It's really time to celebrate. Warren says, "Strippers?"
Instead, they leave and go to the roof of the Stuckey Bowl, where they throw ice cubes into a garbage can on the ground. Warren's disappointed with this hick way of celebrating and keeps pestering Ed for a beer. Ed and Mike call Warren a rookie until he actually gets an ice cube in the garbage can. Ed and Mike cheer Warren's precision as Warren admits that going to a strip club would have still been better than throwing ice cubes into a garbage can. But hey...that's what Small Town Guys do.
A good episode. Ed has finally gotten back into the groove and is delivering high class shows again. Plus NBC's hype machine has promised us that there will be no more repeats of Ed until June. So I hope there will be quite a few more episodes like this one to look forward to in the coming months. And I also hope to shake the ring rust off my recaps and get back to form by week.