We open the show old-school-style with a recap of what has come to be known as The Carol/Jackass Fiasco. Never in the history of television has a relationship been more doomed than this one. Let's see if I can recap the recap. Boy meets girl, girl falls for boy, boy is an incredible jackass, girl pursues boy, boy keeps being a bigger jackass, girl kisses boy, boy thinks for a second and tells girl he's an alcoholic, girl keeps pursuing boy and true love starts to blossom. Just watching this recap would give a coma patient enough information to determine that Carol Vessey is the most dysfunctional woman on the face of the planet. Heads of lettuce are capable of making better decisions than this woman. If Jackass ends up breaking her heart, she deserves every last morsel of pain heaped upon her. With a freakin' cherry on top.
Molly and Carol enter the school, which has been decorated for Christmas. Either that, or Jackass went on a bender, wrapped his car around another tree, and Martha Stewart's the new principal of Stuckeyville High. Carol looks around and admits that it looks like a winter wonderland inside the halls of SHS. Molly says that she's always had a problem with the song "Winter Wonderland," and Carol asks why. "In the meadow we can build a snowman," Molly recites. "And pretend that he is Parson Brown. He'll say, 'Are you married?' We'll say, 'No, man.'" Molly says that Parson Brown is a member of the clergy and deserves more respect than to be called "man." She then says, "Hey, man, hey, Parson Brown, man, hey, man" like she's Cheech and Chong's illegitimate daughter. You know...if Chong had a vagina. This whole "no, man" controversy clearly infuriates Molly, who I'm guessing is suffering from a wee bit of PMS if she's going to get this bent out of shape over her hatred of a Christmas carol. Carol mentions that "no, man" rhymes with "snowman," which is probably the reason the song shows such blatant disrespect for Molly's precious Parson Brown. Molly gulps down a hunk of chocolate and says, "WhatEVer," all snippy and shit. Principal Drunk-Ass walks up and asks Carol if she would mind coming to his office after sixth period to help polish his little German soldier. I'm sorry...I mean, he asks if she'd help with the faculty Christmas party. Carol clicks her heels together, raises her arm slightly above her face, stares longingly at Jackass's crotch, and says, "Heil Drunk-Ass!" Drunk-Ass takes this as a "yes" and continues strolling through the halls, frantically searching for any half-empty bottles of rum he might have hidden in a drunken stupor. Molly observes that there's enough electricity between Carol and Drunk-Ass to fuel a ferris wheel or at least a penlight. Molly's glad that, when something starts happening between the two of them, she'll be the first to know, because she'll see it in Carol's face. Carol winces and tells Molly she might want to take a better look. Molly looks and then gasps. Carol looks like she's about to puke.
Opening credits. I know last week I said the theme song was starting to grow on me, but I've now realized that I couldn't have been more wrong. I feel like six-inch-long spikes are being hammered into my eardrums. I curl up into a fetal position and rock back and forth, speaking in tongues until the theme song ends.
Ahhh...commercials. Did you know that if you really want your woman to slob on your knob on a daily basis, it's a pretty smart move to give her jewelry for Christmas? This would explain why my wife's still not talking to me after giving her a lifetime of oil changes for her car for our anniversary. And here I just thought she was an ungrateful heifer who wanted to change her own damned oil.
We come back to Carol's classroom, where Molly's about five seconds away from having a complete and utter breakdown because she didn't pick up on the fact that Carol and Drunk-Ass have been grinding crotch nubbies. Molly wants to know why Carol didn't tell her, but then says she always knew that the two of them would eventually get it on. Molly wants to know how far they've gone, and Carol quietly mumbles, "Anal beads." No...not really. She says they've kissed. Molly asks who made the first move, and is shocked to find out that it was Carol who first went tongue-fishing in Drunk-Ass's throat. Molly wants to know whether this means that they're dating, and Carol says she doesn't want to be the type to date her boss. Molly insists that she and Ed smelled this a mile away, and it smelled like three-day-old beer shits. Carol says that must have been coming from Drunk-Ass's apartment. Molly asks if Ed knows yet, and Carol sheepishly says no. Molly demands that Carol tell Ed about this, "the sooner the better." Carol says she will...eventually. Molly asks if Drunk-Ass is a good kisser, and Carol grins and says, "Yeah." Molly observes that Christmas came early to Stuckeyville this year. Carol has visions of sugar plums dancing in her head while a drunk and naked Drunk-Ass sits in the corner with a lampshade on his head and a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hands, saying, "Get these damned sugar plums away from me!"
Meanwhile, Mike saunters into his kitchen eating a Pop-Tart and looking for a pair of socks. He's completely naked and a strategically placed kitchen counter conceals his naughty bits. The Evil Baby Sara is sitting in her high chair, silently plotting the world's demise using Cheerios to represent missile sites. Mike stops and stares at the Evil Baby Sara, and the Evil Baby Sara looks at Mike and then slowly her eyes follow his chest hair and rest on his Mikey Meat. Mike looks a bit uncomfortable having his baby daughter checking out his enormous genitalia, and covers himself with a plate. Well, not "himself"...his bad parts. His pork and beans. His Scooby snacks. You know what I mean. Don't make me spell it out.
Over at the Stuckey Bowl, the crew is decorating the alley for the holiday season. Phil runs up and says he has a wowser of a theme for this year's decorating: "Christmas on Jupiter." He thinks they can get some radioactive reindeer and a two-headed Santa Claus that shoots lasers out of his beards. Sometimes I think Kenny's spiking Phil's root beer with crystal meth. It's only a theory, not a fact, so please...no conspiracy emails just yet. A Leonard Prescott enters the alley, looking for the bowling-alley lawyer. He kisses Shirley's hand, which almost makes her blush. Ed walks over to Prescott and tells the guy what a pleasure it is to meet Stuckeyville's biggest philanthropist. I expect the old codger to haul off and whack Ed a good 'un until I realize that "philanderer" and "philanthropist" are not exactly the same thing. One of the two needs to come up with a new name, because I keep getting them mixed up. ["I have the same problem with 'narcoleptic' and 'necrophiliac.'" -- Wing Chun] Anyhoo, Prescott needs an "elf." Y'see, philanthropy is Prescott's game, and he wants to go beyond just helping the various charitable organizations in town; he wants to help each and every individual citizen of Stuckeyville get what he or she wants for Christmas. He wants to sit at a desk and write a check for everyone who's willing to come to him and tell him what he or she needs in order to have a Merry Christmas. Ed asks why the crazy old coot has come to Ed; Prescott's filthy rich and must have a lawyer on retainer. The guy's got thirty-eight lawyers on retainer, but none of them understands what he's trying to do here. He asks Ed to think back and try to remember the best present he ever received. Ed doesn't even have to think...he blurts out that it was the Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine. Ed then sings the Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine jingle that drove parents absolutely mad back in the '70s. Prescott smiles and says that the look of joy on Ed's face says it all. That's the same look he wants to see on the face of every single Stuckeyvillian as he writes them checks for their best presents ever. Ed understands and says, "You've got yourself an elf, Mr. Prescott." I can't begin to count the amount of times I've heard that exact phrase. Except when I hear it, I'm usually presented with a midget woman locked inside a cage in the basement of an adult bookstore.
Back over at the Burton household, Mike, Nancy, and the Evilest Goddamned Baby Sara are watching TV while eating dinner. Mike gets up to turn the TV off just as Steve Kmetko is welcoming everyone to E! News Daily. Nancy's upset, because she wanted to see the latest on Larry Hagman's nervous breakdown. What's there to see, Nancy? He was a big star, his show got cancelled, he drank himself halfway to death, he got a new liver, he smoked PCP, and now he signs autographs for $5 apiece at car shows. Wait ten years, Sweetie, and you'll be experiencing the same thing for yourself, signing autographs at car shows and wondering where in the blue hell you went wrong. Mike says that he's turned the television off because he's ready to set a better example for the Evil Baby Sara. Mike relays the story about how Evil Baby Sara was checking out his dingleberries while he pranced around the kitchen nude; he says that the Dark Baby is becoming aware of her surroundings. Meanwhile, Evil Baby Sara tries to converse telepathically with bin Laden to let him know that we are a vulnerable country at this stage of the game. Mike is ready for him and Nancy to shed their bad habits and introduce a little culture to their lives. So I guess this means the days of seeing Mike nude in the kitchen are completely over, unless he has to pry a piece of toast out of the toaster and his fingers won't do the trick. But that'd be the only other scenario that we'll ever see him nude in the kitchen again. Mike says he wants some stimulating conversation at the dinner table from here on out. It becomes deadly silent in the room until Mike finally blurts out that his favorite architect has always been Frank Gehry. Nancy laughs heartily. So do I, but only because I've accidentally gotten a miniature peanut butter cup lodged in my belly button and it's beginning to melt and I'm trying to fish it out but it tickles. What? TMI?
Back at the Bowl, people are lined up to get a check from Mr. Prescott. Shirley is offering the patient throng of folks some egg nog to keep that whole Christmas vibe going. One guy takes some and says it smells like paint thinner. Shirley says she's still working on the whole egg to nog ratio. We see Mr. Prescott writing a check for a gentleman who wants to buy his kids a trampoline for Christmas. You know, far be it from me to use this space as a forum for my personal beliefs, but I think today's children are just a little too obsessed with trampolines. When I was a child, sure, trampolines were fun. But today, children have laser pointers, karaoke machines, and internet porn. Enough with the trampolines, kids! Get inside, fire up that karaoke machine, gimme a little "Born To Be Wild," and surf www.nudecrackwhores.com for a while. Would it kill you to make your Uncle Bob happy? So anyway, the guy gets a check for a trampoline. The lady asks for a microwave. Prescott asks Ed how much one of those sons of bitches costs. Ed says about $200. Prescott writes her a check for $200. She asks what would have happened if she had asked for two microwaves, and he says she would have received a check for $400, but that it's too late now. She leaves as Phil walks in. He introduces himself as P. Washington Stubbs. Prescott asks how much he needs, and Phil says $50 billion. He's shot down on that one, so he says he needs a mechanical bull. Ed asks, "A mechanical bull?" Phil admits it was the first thing that popped into his head. Prescott asks how much a mechanical bull costs, and Phil says, "$50 billion." I had no idea those things were that expensive, but I guess that's why you don't see them around much anymore except at redneck weddings and bar mitzvahs.
Carol is finishing up the preparations for the faculty Christmas party while Drunk-Ass tries to focus his blurred vision on a streamer. He asks Carol if she can pick up the Christmas cake, and Carol says yes in the most flirtatious voice I've heard since Mae West choked to death on a jug of sailor semen. Drunk-Ass thanks her for helping out, and Carol brings up the "kissing thing" they've been doing. Drunk-Ass is all ears (and diseased liver) and willing to listen to her. She says it's great that they haven't let the whole kissing thing get in the way of their professional relationship. It could have, but it hasn't. She asks what the big deal about kissing is anyway. It's two people with their lips touching. It's no different than a handshake, patting someone on the back, or a handjob in the back of a principal's Chevy Nova. Carol says that kissing is nothing to panic about. Drunk-Ass agrees with her. The concept that she's not about to be swept off her feet in a drunken liplock finally smacks her upside her bleached blonde head, and she leaves the office.
Over at Stuckey Bowl, Prescott writes his last check of the day, having been writing checks for ten hours straight. He says he's just hitting his stride but feels really good about what he's done. A guy by the name of Tom LeMere comes barging in. Tom asks if he's too late to capitalize on the old man's insanity. Prescott says he'll make Tom the last check of the day, and that Tom should make it a good one. Tom says he needs a CD player. Prescott scoffs at the thought of having to write a check for a measly CD player, and tells him to think bigger. Tom says he'd like a projection TV. Prescott goads him, "Think Bigger!" Tom pauses for a moment and says, "How about a Winnebago?" Prescott's ready to do business now. Ed says a Winnebago costs about $100,000. Prescott says Tom's lucky that Prescott's a rich man. He writes Tom a check for $100,000 and hands it over to him. "How can I ever thank you?" Tom asks. Prescott tells him to send him a postcard. Tom suggests one from Mount Rushmore, but Prescott tells him to make it a card with a picture of an animal dressed up in human clothing, since that's always good for a laugh. I make a mental note to send the guy a photo of my wife in her Burger King outfit to see if I'd make $100,000 off it. Tom leaves in shock. Ed tells Prescott that he's done a good thing today, and that he's a real-life Santa. Prescott says it felt good, adding, "Thanks, Mr. Herlihy!"
Phil's on top of the mechanical bull, which has been erected in the bowling alley. Phil tells Kenny that he's going to count down, and when he gets to "one," Kenny is supposed to turn the bull on. Phil starts the countdown: "Fifty-three, fifty-two, fifty-one, fifty, forty-nine...." Kenny gets bored and turns on the bull. Phil lasts less than a second on the bull before he's sent flying into the air. Phil slowly gets up from the floor, gingerly holding his crotch. Ed just watches the whole escapade from the shoe counter, slightly bemused. Shirley introduces Bruce Kapler to Ed. Bruce is the executive director of the Prescott Foundation. Ed says that Prescott is a great guy and just gave away $200,000 to the people of Stuckeyville. Kapler chuckles and says that Prescott couldn't have done that, because he doesn't have a dime. Around the globe, a collective gasp is heard from living rooms tuned to NBC. But it sure sounded an awful lot like Molly inhaling a side of beef.
Commercials. Wow. I had no idea Vanilla Sky was a top-notch erotic thriller. I thought it was a really lousy candle scent. And in case you were wondering, Tom Cruise is phenomenal in this top-notch erotic thriller. Since when did the word "phenomenal" become synonymous with "really, really gay"? ["Uncle Bob's views on Tom Cruise's sexuality are his own and do not reflect those of Mighty Big TV management. Also that was satire. Please do not sue us." -- Wing Chun]
Oh my goodness, we're back already. Ed is reeling from the top-notch erotic announcement that Prescott is penniless. Kapler seems to be taking great enjoyment of saying that the man is flat broke, 90% homeless, as valuable as a wad of toilet paper. Apparently, Prescott is only rich in the head. He gave away all of his millions until he had nothing left. His personal account has been empty for a year. Ed says that the checks were written out of the Prescott Foundation's checkbook. This causes the top-notch erotic Kapler to break out into a cold sweat. He asks how much was written from that checkbook, and Ed says it was about $180,000. Kapler panics and says that was their operating budget for the year, which provides finances to keep the Stuckeyville shelter and soup kitchen open. Man. For such a quaint little burg, they must have a shitload of bums sleeping in gutters around there. I guess Carol will be trolling for one of them .
Ed, Carol, Mike, and Nancy are having lunch at the Goat as Mike tries to comprehend Ed's story about Prescott. He asks whether Ed could have stopped payment on the checks; Ed says no, and that most of them have already been cashed anyway. Mike asks what Ed plans to do, and Ed says he has no choice but to go to every house for which Prescott supplied a decent Christmas, and take back as much as he can find. Mike says Ed's the Grinch, and has a heart three times too small. Ed retorts, "Unlike your big forehead." Ed and Carol walk out to go collect gifts and money while an embarrassed Mike tells Nancy that he's growing weary of the forehead jokes. Oh yeah, Mike? Try being seventy-five pounds overweight with a bald spot bigger than your head and so many chins that children want to use them as a filing system. See what kind of jokes that earns you, you humongous-foreheaded sonofabitch.
Ed and Carol pull up in the driveway of a a guy who's removing new Christmas gifts from his car. The guy recognizes Ed and tells his son to show the nice lawyer his new presents. Ed looks like he can't bear to do what he has to do, but he does it anyway. He farts in front of them. We see Ed and Carol back in Ed's car with a time-lapse camera shot showing the pile of stuff returned as it keeps growing and growing. By the time they get back to the bowling alley, they have a full vehicle and a canoe strapped to the roof. Ed says that he's now officially the most hated man in Stuckeyville. He feels bad for taking a little old lady's bread machine from her. Carol tries to make him feel better by saying that nobody ever uses those things more than once anyway. Which reminds me of an old joke I used to tell back in my stand-up comedy days. Goes a little something like this: "Found out the other day I had a yeast infection. I would have never known except for the fact that every time I walked past an oven, my dick would swell up." Thank you, ladies and germs. Tip your bartenders and waitresses -- they've got crack habits to support too, y'know. Anyway, Carol has to leave to go to the faculty Christmas party she decorated by hanging mistletoe at six-inch intervals. Phil walks up and tells Ed that he's got some bad news...there's a no-return policy on the mechanical bull. He tells Ed it's a damned shame, too. Phil's about as transparent as Patsy Ramsey's alibi, but Ed doesn't argue with him.
Chez Burton, Mike is sitting on the sofa, reading the newspaper with classical music playing. The Evil Baby Sara is watching him, trying to devise a way she can leap off the floor and rip out his jugular with her eight baby teeth. Nancy waltzes in and asks what the hell's going on. The Evil Baby Sara quickly switches back into cute adorable baby mode. Mike says that he's enjoying some classical music. Nancy snorts and says that Mike's been listening to the same classic rock mix tape for six years. He doesn't even like classical music. She turns on the tape, and "Ride Captain Ride" starts playing. She gets in front of Mike and...and...well, this is hard for me to recap because I'm pretty sure I'll pop a stiffie just thinking about it, but here goes: Nancy does this dance thing that almost made me swallow my tongue. She does the type of dance that Elizabeth Berkley should have done in Showgirls to make her men want her, rather than the convoluted spasms Berkley ended up doing. Any red-blooded American male would watch this dance and want to throw Nancy up on top of a pool table for a quick round of "Who Can Climax First?" To say the woman is hot is like saying Osama bin Laden is a little mean. I had so many impure thoughts running around my head, they'll still be there months after my miserable death. I mentally undressed her so hard that I burned a hole in my TV screen. So, um...anyway, Mike doesn't look impressed (he's gay -- he's gotta be) while even the Evil Baby Sara is slightly turned on by Mama's dancing. Nancy realizes that Mike won't be happy until he has his classical music back on, so Nancy glumly turns her music off. Mike goes back to reading, Evil Baby Sara goes back to plotting, and Nancy logs onto Mighty Big TV, where she falls in love with Uncle Bob and they go live on a deserted island together and feast off of each other's bodies.
At the faculty party, Molly's asking Carol whether she told Ed about Drunk-Ass. Carol says she didn't, because Ed was too depressed over ruining Christmas for the entire town of Stuckeyville. Molly says that would have been the best time, because the best time to hear depressing news is when you're already depressed. This is true, because one time when I was young, an episode of The Brady Bunch was postponed due to a State of the Union address from President Nixon. I was pretty upset with that fact, so Dad leaped at the opportunity to tell me that Mom had crashed into a Humane Shelter van full of puppies and kittens and was killed in the fiery pandemonium that followed. And you know what? It softened the blow immensely. In fact, I had forgotten all about Mom by the time The Partridge Family started. Anyway, Mr. Bronkowski walks up to the two teachers and starts blathering away about some stupid globe his students gave him for Christmas. This guy has no idea that if he really wanted to get in Molly's or Carol's pants, he'd either treat them like dog shit on the bottom of his shoe or get a job as a traveling bowling paraphernalia salesman. Mortal fool! Drunk-Ass stumbles over and bleats that he needs to know the history of kissing from Bronkowski. With visions of a mini-orgy in his head, Bronkowski says that kissing came from when mothers had to chew their baby's food and spit it into their mouths. It was a sign of love and it still rings true today that nothing's more romantic than a wad of chewed-up pork tenderloin being passed from gullet to gullet. Drunk-Ass grins lecherously at Carol, who does that whole "hiding behind her hair" thing as he walks away.
Mr. LeMere shows up at the Stuckey Bowl and asks Ed to come outside. He has gone out and purchased the biggest Winnebago ever made. It's Missouri on wheels. They go inside the thing, and LeMere sits in the driver's seat, telling Ed that he always wanted to sit in a seat and pretend he was Captain Kirk. He then barks, "Warp speed, Mr. Spock!" I have proudly never seen a single episode of Star Trek, so I cannot fully comprehend what's going on here, but it sounds like an invitation to a little gay sex. LeMere points out that he actually has a TV in his car, and wants Ed to check out the water pressure in the shower, which solidifies it...Ed's not leaving this Winnebago with his anal pride intact. Ed stops the tour and tells LeMere that he can't keep the Winnebago because the money that was given to him to buy it should have gone to charity. LeMere can't believe what's happening as Ed explains that if he keeps the Winnebago, the Prescott Foundation will have to close its doors, and poor people will really hate him. Ed assures LeMere that he'll sleep better at night if he takes the Winnebago back, and LeMere cheerfully replies, "I already sleep great! There's a white noise machine in the bedroom!" Ed tells LeMere that if he doesn't return the Winnebago, Ed will be forced to take him to court. Ed then wishes LeMere a happy and safe holiday season, and exits the Winnebago. LeMere looks more confused and bewildered than your average Victoria's Secret model.
Carol's walking up the front steps to her house when Drunk-Ass steps out of the shadows behind her. Before she can call the cops, she turns around to talk to him. She asks if he came to apologize to her. He wants to know what for. She tells him that whole "History of Kissing" stunt could have really got them in trouble. He blows it off. She asks what he's doing there. He just stands there silently and then smiles slightly. She says, "Oh! Okay." Now then...indulge me if you will. Carol Vessey is the biggest ho in the history of Stuckeyville, proudly claiming the title from the champ, Candy Molasses, bartender at the Stuckeyville Hooters. I only wish it was that easy to land women in real life. Just grin at them and that means you want to hogtie them, douse them with baby oil, and make them call your name in seven different languages. But that ain't the way it works...unless it's Carol Vessey you're staring down. You don't even have to buy her a drink -- just humiliate her in front of her peers at the office Christmas party and BANG! You're in like John Glenn. I don't understand how Ed can be the most perfect man on the planet yet he can't even get past first base with the woman when the local drunk-assed scumbag just has to flash a few dingy whites at her and she's all over him like jalapenos on a really shitty ice cream sundae. Don't get me wrong. If I were a single high school principal with abs of steel and a liver of cotton, I'd probably be trying to nail the faculty slut too. I'm just sayin'.
Commercials. Have you seen these new commercials for these buttwipes? It's like wet toilet paper for those people who have chronic diarrhea. They come in big sheets and apparently make your butt feel like a million bucks after you've managed to polish off several burritos and half a case of beer. Have you seen these? Know where I can get some?
Back to the show. Carol and Drunk-Ass are lying in bed together after playing "Would You Like Some Cheese On That Hot Dog -- The Home Game." Carol says that this has been a bit new for her. Drunk-Ass asks whether she means having sex and not being paid immediately afterwards. She says no, she's just never slept with her boss before. Her brain is screaming, "No! Not Drunk-Ass! You can't sleep with him! You don't have change for a fifty!" But she's decided that getting sloppy in the sheets with the guy may be worth the risk. He just grins. An ominous grin. The kind of grin that says, "You are one gullible whore, Carol Vessey."
In court, Ed's talking to Bruce Kapler, who you might remember from earlier in the recap as the guy who's in charge of the Prescott Foundation, and who almost crapped his spleen out when he heard Prescott has bankrupted the Foundation. LeMere and his lawyer walk in, and Ed's disappointed because he was hoping they wouldn't show. He was hoping they'd forget all about the court case. A side note: if my lawyer stood there and announced he had hoped that the opposite party had forgotten about the court hearing, I think it would dawn on me that maybe it was time I got a new lawyer with a better game plan than hoping people would just forget about little things like getting sued. The judge calls everyone to order and says he doesn't really see a case here. Ed hops up and says that the Prescott Foundation does a lot of good for Stuckeyville, and that if LeMere keeps the Winnebago, the Foundation will go out of business. Ed knows the Winnebago was a gift, and there's no law that can force him to give it back. Still, Ed hopes that LeMere sees the errors of his ways and coughs up the keys to this gas guzzler from Hell so that little children can have new shoes and Gamecubes for Christmas. LeMere's lawyer gets up and says the Winnebago was a gift, and there's no law that can force him to give it back. The judge agrees, and finds for LeMere. Ed winces, since he had a feeling he would lose this case simply because there was no case. Leaving the courtroom, Ed gets into some morality issues with the defendant's lawyer over his wristwatch. The lawyer tells Ed that if he truly cared about charities, he would not be wearing a $150 wristwatch when a $50 one would tell time just as well. He then goes down the list of all the extravagant items Ed possesses that could be sold for a pretty penny, with all proceeds going to the Prescott Foundation. Ed gets the picture. Or at least he acts like he does so that this guy will stop making him feel like crap. The lawyer calls Ed a hypocrite and says there's no difference between Ed and Tommy LeMere. I don't believe Ed has ever been dressed down like this in the history of this fine show. And if he had, I think I woulda remembered and giggled hysterically over it.
Drunk-Ass is sitting at his desk balling up paper and throwing it in his wastebasket. His secretary comes on his intercom and tells him that Carol Vessey is there to see him. Drunk-Ass thinks about it for a second and tells his secretary to tell Miss Vessey that he's busy and doesn't have time to see her. He balls up another sheet of paper and continues shooting baskets. Maybe that explains my problem with women. After I had sex with a woman for the first time, I wouldn't just blow her off completely the day. No...I usually stalked her like a cat stalks a ball of yarn, calling her every fifteen minutes and buying her goofy little trinkets like Certs and individually wrapped condoms and leaving them on their doorstep for days on end until the restraining order was put into effect.
Mike comes home and hears classical music playing on the stereo. He's a bit taken aback, and walks into the dining room looking for Nancy and Sara bin Laden. He's shocked at what he finds. Both of them are dressed in Victorian clothing from the nineteenth century. Nancy is speaking in a heavy British accent as she offers Mike a "crrrrumpet." Mike says Nancy's mocking him. She insists she's not mocking Mike, and tells Evil Baby Sara to say hello to her "pa-PAH." Sara just stares at him, calculating how long it would take her to kick the heart out of his chest. Mike seems offended that Nancy isn't taking him seriously, and she insists that she is -- that's why she's offering him a crrrrrumpet! Mike starts to pout and Nancy says it's all in fun. Now dammit, you big-foreheaded beast, have a damned crrrrumpet!
Carol pops by Ed's place, where nearly everything he owns is boxed up. He says that he's giving everything away to charity; he doesn't need the majority of his belongings anymore. He feels strange wearing a $150 watch when there are people who can't even afford high-speed cable internet access in this country. Carol sees two pair of pants hanging in Ed's closet, and he says he has one pair and then a backup pair. That's all he needs. Two guys come in to start hauling all the stuff out to their truck as Ed tells them that everything must go. One of the guys asks, "Even the TV?" and Ed assures them that the TV goes as well. Carol freaks and tells the men that the TV does not go. Ed informs Carol that he's capable of living a long and healthy life without watching The Education of Max Bickford. Carol starts acting like she's Ed's wife, saying that Ed's gone crazy, and that this has all been a big mistake. Ed tells the men to haul it all off.
Ed walks into the Stuckey Bowl saying that it's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. He tells everyone to gather 'round. Kenny, Shirley, Phil, and a stranger have a seat at the snack bar. Ed asks the guy who he is, and he says he's Fred Butts. Ed wants to know what Fred's doing there; Fred says that Ed told everyone to gather 'round, and he thought something might be going down. Ed tells him that he just meant for the staff to gather 'round. Butts says, "Oh," gets up, and walks away. Phil shoots Ed a look like, "Now, that guy was a psycho." Ed says he's come up with the perfect theme for the Christmas party. Phil says he's already come up with the ultimate theme: Christmas on Saturn. Shirley asks if they're talking about Saturn the planet or Saturn the car? Kenny scoffs at this ignorant suggestion and asks Phil what the difference is between Christmas on Saturn and Christmas on Jupiter? Phil scoffs back and says, "The rings." Ed tries his best to ignore his staff and continues: the theme for this year's Christmas party will be...charity. Shirley asks whether he means charity the planet or charity the car. Ed looks at her, and she says, "That was a joke." Ed informs them that they have to raise $100,000 for the Prescott Foundation in orderto keep it running. Shirley says she's in, and puts her hand out for everyone else to put their hands on top of hers. Phil's in; Kenny says he could use a Hail Mary to get him off the naughty list, so he's in. Ed tells them to let the preparations begin as the men walk away, leaving Shirley sitting at the snack bar with her hand still straight out in front of her, still waiting for that macho show of camaraderie that never comes when a woman starts the whole "I'm In!" hand thrust.
Good God. More commercials. Vanilla Sky is still a top-notch erotic thriller that has a surprise twist ending that every movie has had since The Sixth Sense made surprise twist endings mandatory. It's a shame the same concept can't be brought to television, so that every week on Ed, just as it looks like the show's about to end, Ed can start humping Nancy's leg while a naked Mike slowly sits on a plunger. Now that's an ending that would have theEdforums buzzing all day.
Nancy's telling Carmella the nanny that they shouldn't be late from their bowling-alley Christmas party tonight when Mike enters the room, still a little hot from the whole "crrrrrumpet" incident. Nancy tries to tell him it was just a joke. Carmella hears the word "joke" and starts to spaz out because she has a joke to share: "Why did the bear cross the road?" she asks. Mike and Nancy are clueless while Evil Baby Sara is busy, quietly concocting a large dose of anthrax. "Because it was the chicken's day off!" she finishes, before bursting into peals of laughter over her joke. Mike and Nancy are finding it difficult to bust a gut over such a lame joke, so they grin uncomfortably which forces Carmella to try and explain the joke to them. Folks, there are few things worse in life than having a Mexican nanny try to explain a bad joke in broken English while you're squabbling with your mate. I guess maybe going blind from having bottle rockets shot at your eye sockets repeatedly for a few days might be worse, but other than that, I sure can't think of anything.
At the bowling alley, Phil is dressed as the cheapest-looking alien on the planet. He's wearing a cardboard box spraypainted silver and saying "Nanu Nanu" to people as they enter, welcoming them to Christmas on Venus. Ed runs into Carol, who thinks Ed's a bit jumpy. Ed says he just has the Christmas spirit, which is nature's caffeine. Drunk-Ass then walks in with one hot-assed mama on his arm. Carol sees them over Ed's shoulder and looks like she's about to vomit thumbtacks. Ed asks, "What?" and she says, "Nothing." An auction is taking place, and the item up for bid is a dinner for two in one of Stuckeyville's finer establishments. Phil's conducting the auction, and after announcing what it is up for bid, he segues into auction mode, starting the bidding at $100. He throws in a few "Hey batter batter batter" phrases in there to make it sound like he's conducting a full-fledged auction when he's obviously never done this before. The bidding makes its way up to a final bid of $200 when Ed steps in. Ed gives a big long speech about charity and how it's the season of giving and how the Prescott Foundation will close without their support for this project. Plus about fifteen minutes of other facts and figures on charity since he has just recently been converted into the type of guy who actually does things for charity. He then sets the new starting bid price at $2,000. Everyone walks away like he just announced he's giving away jaundice in a bottle. This leaves Ed a bit upset because he was really hoping to score thousands of dollars for a dinner for two. I must have missed the episode where Ed was repeatedly dropped on his head until all his common sense seeped out his ears. Anybody got that one on tape?
Carol sees Drunk-Ass's date go into the Drunk-Ass Ladies' Room, and decides this would be a fine time to corner the sonofabitch and find out if he's got something against her sex skills. She approaches him and breaks the ice by asking if his assistant mentioned her stopping by to see him the other day. He says she did, but that he was swamped with work. He asks her if something's wrong, and she says she's great. She then sort of snaps and asks Drunk-Ass if she was a "prize" for him...some sort of conquest. If Carol Vessey and her perpetually open legs were any sort of prize, I think they'd be the last one in a White Elephant gift exchange -- the one people are choosing sponge sets over. Carol says she can't believe that they slept together and then Drunk-Ass brought a date to this party; she lets him know that this has upset her. She then figures it out and says, "Wait a second...that's your cousin or your sister, isn't it?" Drunk-Ass smiles and says "No...it's my date." He tells Carol that yes, they had a roll in the hay, and yes, she didn't charge him for it when she technically could have. But she can't expect him to take her to the soda shop now and share a malt and stare dreamingly into each other's eyes as they profess their wide-eyed love for each other, because that ain't happenin'. The Drunk-Ass date emerges from the bathroom; she and Carol exchange icy stares before the happy couple leaves to go mingle with all the other recovering alcoholic bastards and their dates. Molly watches the whole thing from afar and feels bad for her friend, the ex-prom queen, who will be spending Christmas alone while Molly's all wrapped up in some beefy bowling-alley supply salesman arms. Yeah, Carol. Sorry for your recent run of bad luck with men dating back to when you were twelve. But Molls is going to be soiling satin sheets with sex juice on Christmas morning, and doesn't have time to help host your little pity party.
Shirley's in charge of doing caricatures and is presently drawing Mike. Mike and Nancy kiss and make up while he's being drawn. Nancy says that they will be the perfect role models for the Evil Baby Sara. Meanwhile, a quick flash over to the Burton home finds Evil Baby Sara sitting on Carmella's lap, eating fried mozzarella sticks and watching Happy Days as Carmella hoots over how much she loves the Fonzie Man. You know...there's nothing worse than having a nanny eating fried cheese sticks on your new sofa and squealing over the predicaments of a fictional character from a twenty-five-year-old television show. Unless that nanny is naked on your couch and spreading burrito residue all over your cushions.
Ed's moping in his office over the dismal outpouring of cash and sympathy when Prescott and Kapler walk in. Kapler asks Ed how the fundraiser is going, and Ed confesses that it's not going well and that they shouldn't expect a full-bagger. Prescott tells Ed that he's looking at a man who has spent his lifetime helping the needy. He points out that his watch cost $1,800, and that the people at the party know what they can give, and will give it. He reminds Ed not to try and pull teeth, and then excuses himself to go get a rum and Coke. Ed looks at Kapler and says that Prescott is quite a man.
Prescott's little pep talk inspires Ed to take the microphone once again and give this fundraising thing the old college try one more time. He says that when he asked everyone to donate earlier, he was thinking in the back of his mind that they could donate everything they had. That was wrong. Charity isn't logic. He apologizes for trying to push people to give until it hurts, because it's not supposed to hurt. They're all there because the Prescott Foundation is about to bite the big one if they don't come up with a hundred grand because Prescott is delirious with age and bought some geek a Winnebago, blowing every penny the Foundation had. Meanwhile, the aforementioned geek is tooling around Stuckeyville in a vehicle so big that bin Laden is hiding in one of the closets and will probably never be found. So everyone needs to trust their heart and give what they can. He then reiterates that they need $100,000, just in case anyone didn't hear it the first 1,204 times.
We then get our musical montage of the week featuring Darlene Love's "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)." This was by far the most hilarious musical montage ever with enough sight gags to fuel the entire Marx Brothers catalogue. First, Shirley unveils her caricature of Mike, which, of course, is all forehead. Then we see the booth to "Punch Kenny for $10," where men are lined up to punch Kenny in the gut. Kenny doesn't even flinch. We then see Nancy on the mechanical bull, which single-handedly breaks my zipper. That's followed by Phil holding a cockfighting match with two lethargic roosters just walking around. Then it's Mike's turn on the bull, followed by the "Kiss Shirley Pifko for $10" booth; we see men walking up to Shirley, handing her a ten spot, and then kissing her on her mouth. She's not even pursing her lips for the kissing, just sitting there stone-faced. We then see Ed on the bull, before moving on to Phil, who has created a "Do It With Phil Stubbs for $10" booth; he's laid out on a sofa in his silk pajamas, without a single person lined up to have sex with him. There's a "Get Your Photo Taken With a Guy Who Looks A Little Like Art Garfunkel for $10" booth with a guy who looks more like Larry from The Three Stooges than Art Garfunkel. Phil's slowly painting the red part of one of those fundraising thermometers that will let people know when they hit their goal of $100,000. He's getting close to $70,000. Someone bowls a ball down the alley, which smashes into a stack of beer bottles for $10. Phil gets on the bull and is immediately thrown off after everyone else lasted for quite a while. Phil's then shown painting the thermometer all the way to the $100,000 mark.
When the party's over, Ed tells Prescott and Kapler that they're going to be very happy with the results of the evening. As it turns out, they raised...$107,452. I spit my Diet Dr. Pepper out all over my chest because there's just no way in hell they could have raised that much money in that town. Suspension of disbelief is one thing, but I'm being asked to approach this show with the mind set of a lobotomy patient. Luckily, Phil comes out and says, "What are you talking about Bossco? We didn't raise $100,000." Thank God, I think, as I mop up the DDP off my chest. Ed says that he saw Phil painting the thermometer thing up over $100,000. Phil explains that he just got caught up in the moment and wanted everyone to think that they were doing really good. Ed asks how much they raised, and Phil replies, "8,612.35". Ed stands there shocked for a second before Phil says, "I'm just tooling on you! We raised $107,452!" Dammit! There goes Diet Dr. Pepper all over my chest again! I wish these bastards would make up their mind! Prescott thanks Ed and says that even though he can't condone the methods Ed used to raise the money, that cockamamie story about the foundation going out of business was a good one. Ed goes to correct Prescott, but Kapler is standing behind him, silently shaking his head "no" as if to say that Prescott is so out of it, he doesn't even know he bankrupted his foundation. Ed smiles as Prescott and Kapler leave, Prescott calling Ed a rookie.
Outside, Carol's sitting on a bench in front of Stuckey Bowl. Molly goes outside and asks how she's doing. She says she's fine, but feels gypped for throwing Drunk-Ass a freebie. Molly admits that she likes it better when she's the one pretending to be fine. Carol confesses to Molly that she slept with Drunk-Ass. Molly's hardly shocked. Carol says she was wrong about him, which prompts Molly to say that it's better to find that out now. Better now than when? When he first moved to town? Hello, Molls, she's walking around with drunk-assed spermatozoa wedged up her crack. There is no worse time to find out the guy's a jerk than after you've been super slimed by the Drunk-Ass. Carol wants to know the final tally, and Molly tells her. "Giving is a feeling," Carol says. "Sometimes you just have to trust your gut." Molly points out that the key word here is "sometimes." They rise from the bench as Molly says, "You know what cheers me up at a time like this?" Carol says, "Six pints of Ben & Jerry's Triple Chocolate Crunch and a 14" battery-operated plastic dong?" Molly laughs, punches Carol hard in the gut, and says, "A ride on a mechanical bull."
After the recent deluge of mopey Ed episodes, it is clear that no sharks have been jumped and Ed is doing just fine and dandy, thank you very much. It's obvious to me that the show was sort of reeling after the national tragedy and seemed to be running off-course. This was never more evident than in the episode "The New World," in which Mike said, "Things are bad out there." I can't help thinking that the show was one of those bad things and was trying to get back on its feet after the tragedy. This week, they finally bounced back with a vengeance. I also noticed that the writer for this week's episode was a new kid on the block, Kevin Murphy. It goes without saying that Ed needs to get this guy on the payroll quick.
That's all. Get back to work.