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As you may have seen on the Mighty Big TV homepage, I had a struggle as to how I should recap this week's episode of Ed, which deals with homophobia and racism. I tried to handle the subject with kid gloves, and what I ended up with was a recap that was about as funny as playfully wrestling with your grandmother and accidently popping a boner. So I went back and tried to spice the recap up a bit. In the process, I was probably a little more offensive than normal. Thank God we live in a free society where we're not forced to read everything on the internet. If you are easily offended by an absence of political correctness, take my advice and go check out some Hello Kitty fan site. But if you're willing to have a harmless chuckle at someone else's expense, dive right in. I will offer no apologies for this recap to anyone who reaches the end and gets offended, because you have been duly warned.
We kick off this week's Ed in the bowling alley, which is as fine a place to start as any. Ed is lying down in a lane, fixing something or taking a nap or something as Mike watches him. Mike has brought Ed a sandwich and chips, which causes Ed to recoil as though Mike had brought him a sandwich and cockroaches. "What brand of chips are those?" Ed demands. Mike admits that he doesn't know, because he doesn't have the brain power required to retain information all the way from the snack bar to the actual bowling lanes. Ed says he can't eat the chips, and Mike asks why; Mike's inquisitive that way. Ed says that when he was twelve years old, he saw a commercial in which it said that no one could eat just one potato chip of a particular brand. Ed decided that no snack company was going to tell him what he could and couldn't eat, so he ate one chip, threw the rest of the bag away, and has never eaten another one of their chips. To this day, he is Edward J. Stevens, the man who could eat just one chip. Mike, sensing a bet that he could win, bets Ed $10 he won't eat a chip. Ed refuses. Mike announces that this day needs to be marked down in history as the day that Edward J. Stevens refused a $10 bet adding that the tradition of the $10 bet is officially over. Ed snatches a chip and eats it. The scene ends with Ed chomping on the chip with a pissed-off look on his face. If I had written the scene, I would have had Ed grab another and another and another chip, wolfing down the whole plate like a psychotic potato-chip-eater guy thing. Unfortunately, I write the recaps. The show already has writers. But that was one of the lamer $10 bets, and had no real payoff. Mike didn't even laugh that stupid laugh that he normally does when Ed makes an ass of himself. The show has kicked off in a convoluted fashion yet again.
“ You can tell Jim's a little peeved as he gets out of the car and tells Molly to shut the ignition off. Molly says she did shut it off; sometimes it takes a while to quit running. My God. This car's in worse shape than Bob Hope. ”
Ahhhhh...the theme song. The theme song is actually starting to grow on me. Like lesions on a leper. Like fungus on an amputated foot in a dumpster. Like cheese on unwashed genitalia. Yep. It's growing on me, all right.
Commercials. Guess what? Bounty has come out with a new paper towel so absorbent that it sucks the soul right out of your body if you touch it. No lie. Sucks the soul right out of ya. They need to hire Satan for a spokesman or something, and bill it as the official paper towel of hell or something.
Back in Stuckeyville, Molly and Jim are tooling down the road when Molly's jalopy fizzles, sputters, and dies on them. You can tell Jim's a little peeved as he gets out of the car and tells Molly to shut the ignition off. Molly says she did shut it off; sometimes it takes a while to quit running. My God. This car's in worse shape than Bob Hope. Molly mentions the irony in the fact that they were on their way to buy Molly a new vehicle when this one conked out on them. Jim points out that it isn't irony because her car always breaks down when he's with her. Molly tells "Sadie" not to listen to Jim, or something like that. She uttered the word "Sadie" -- that much I know. My closed captioning was on the fritz, and according to my television screen, the exact quote was "Sadie, sqizzle fuhrfuh gurute." Jim asked if Molly just called him "Sadie," and Molly says that her car's name is Sadie, because when she was eighteen years old, she thought it would be cool to name her car "Sadie." Jim laughs and asks what eighteen-year-old thinks the name "Sadie" is cool. When Molly gives him the evil eye, Jim gulps and says, "I thought I was the only one who thought it was cool!" Good save, Jimbo. You almost chomped down on a knuckle sandwich slathered in Mollynaise. Jim opens the hood and stares at the engine. Molly asks what's wrong with it; Jim says he doesn't know, since he's not a car guy. She wants to know why he's staring at the engine, and he tells her that's what car guys do. So he teaches her how to look like a car guy. First you fold your arms. Then you rock back and forth on your heels and nod a lot. Then you dip into your savings and pay some guy $1,000 to tighten a spark plug for you because all mechanics are dirty low-down thieves who will cheat, lie, and steal from you every chance they get. They're worse than Taliban soldiers. Really. They are. Mechanics are evil. They serve as Satan's backbone. I mean...that's what I read, anyway.
Goodbye Sadie
“ Just because he's a Drama teacher in a junior high school doesn't necessarily mean that he likes to be called 'Betty' while he takes it up the butt. ”
At a Board of Education meeting, Molly and Carol are talking about getting rid of Molly's car once and for all. Carol says that Molly's eventually going to kill herself in her car. Molly admits that Jim told her the exact same thing...the other morning. Carol gets giddy thinking that one of them might be doing the nasty, and starts prodding Molly for sexual details. Molly says Jim slept on the couch while she slept in the bed. Carol asks if he slept in her bed before he slept on the couch, or if she slept on the couch before she slept in her bed. Molly comments that this is the worst Dr. Seuss book ever written, while I scream, "What about Horton Hears a Ho, Molly?" Carol boldly asks if Molly slept with Jim, and Molly replies "I did not sleep with him in a car, I did not sleep with him at a bar. I did not sleep with him on a boat, I did not sleep with him on a moat." The two ladies giggle; Molly gives off the vibe that she did manage to choke down Jim's kielbasa during a particularly raunchy session of Naked Twister, and the meeting gets underway. A guy named Mr. Crane, who happens to be on the board, says that there's been an atrocity at Stuckeyville Jr. High. Apparently a Mr. Arnold Bancroft, the Drama teacher, would not give a part in a play to a boy because he's (gasp!) black. Carol whispers to Molly that it doesn't sound like Arnie. Mr. Crane says that this is a despicable and heinous act of racism, and asks that the board remove Mr. Bancroft from his duties at once in order to keep prejudice and racism out of the schoolrooms. Oh. I suppose it's perfectly okay at the local K-Mart, where Stuckeyvillians gather in the parking lot to make fun of Norwegian immigrants and throw broken cinder blocks at their albino-like heads, but apparently racism is not allowed in the schoolrooms. Carol whispers to Molly that it sounds like they're trying to run Bancroft out of town on a rail. I haven't even seen the guy yet, but I bet he'd enjoy it. Being a Drama teacher and all. Them Drama teachers -- they love riding the rails, if you get my drift, and I think you might.
All right, that was a pretty snippy thing to say about a Drama teacher -- to imply that he's gay just because he teaches Drama. I apologize. Just because he's a Drama teacher in a junior high school doesn't necessarily mean that he likes to be called "Betty" while he takes it up the butt. I'm truly sorry.
Meanwhile, Warren's cruising the halls of Stuckeyville High when Diane approaches him. She wants to know when he started thinking that wearing turtlenecks to school might be a good idea. He tells her not to start on him, adding that if she doesn't watch it, Warren might snap and do something drastic like break a pencil or something. This Warren...he's a maniac, Diane. You're messin' with fire when you talk smack about his apparel. She says he reminds her of someone but she can't decide who it is; she then changes the subject and tells him she's had a great idea for their project. She admits that having him join the wrestling team wasn't a home run, but it was a strong single and got him on the map with Jessica Martel. Warren informs her that he was already on the map with Jessica during the last school year. It's always the same thing -- he does something heroic, and the day Jessica smiles and says "hi." Nothing ever happens. There's never any hot monkey sex. Diane says that this time it will be different because Diane's helping him. She tells Warren to meet her at the Smiling Goat after school and then realizes who it is that he reminds her of: actor/director David Schwimmer. She tries to get him to say, "Monica, where's my monkey?" but Warren refuses, embarrassed. Diane walks away grinning as he slips into Schwimmer mode and says, "They haven't used that monkey in ten years! Nnnnngh." I've gotta admit, the kid does look like David Schwimmer -- that is, if Schwimmer were just a tad cooler than he actually is.
“ Carol smirks as if Ed Stevens ever has a chance of tying her to a bed and cleaning her pipes with various plumber's utensils. ”
Carol and Ed are sitting in a booth at the alley, eating like Afghan refugees in a buffet line, when Ed announces that there's no food he doesn't like. Carol thinks about it and says, "Okra?" Ed likes okra. "Liver?" she asks. Ed likes liver. "Dog?" Ed says he loves hot dogs. Carol says she meant actual dogs, like poodles and hounds and schnauzers and stuff. Ed says that people don't eat dog, but Carol reminds him that in Korea they most certainly do. It's a delicacy over there; even the ritzy Koreans won't pass up a piping hot bowl of dog soup. Ed thinks about it and says he's sure he'd like dog, too. Meanwhile, a nerdy PETA member just busted out a pencil and paper and began composing hate mail to NBC for suggesting that a main character would actually eat Man's Best Friend, not fully grasping the concept of a "joke." Molly walks up and says that Arnie Bancroft is being fired. There was a 7-2 vote in favor of his termination at the Board of Education meeting. Molly and Carol think Ed should help the guy because he's not a racist, he's just a teacher who doesn't want to see people with different skin colors than his advance in this world. Ed says he'll look into it, but that he won't have anything to do with the case if it's proven that Arnie Bancroft is indeed a racist scumbag pig. Jim comes in and kisses Molly hello, which means they've officially reached the "wet greeting" stage. He says that he's taking Molly shopping for a new car today. Ed says, "You sold Sadie?!" with a tinge of horror in his voice, making Molly feel like warmed-over crap. Jim freaks out behind her, trying to silence Ed from any more Sadie praise. He says "ixnay on the Sadienay" or however you'd translate "Sadie" to Pig Latin. ["That would be 'adie-snay.'" -- Wing Chun] Molly says she heard that, and Jim tells her, as they walk out, that there's no way she could have decoded that. Carol observes Jim and Molly and says, "They've got a whole relationship thing," and Ed agrees, adding that Ed and Carol are left with night after night of empty physical pleasure. Carol smirks as if Ed Stevens ever has a chance of tying her to a bed and cleaning her pipes with various plumber's utensils.
Warren's sitting at the Smiling Goat when Diane and her cousin walk in. It turns out that Diane's cousin Allison works for a publicity firm and deals with Carson Daly and Freddie Prinze Jr., which automatically makes her the hottest publicity agent in Stuckeyville. You'd think that with that kind of notoriety, she could afford a decent hairdo and some stylish glasses. Diane informs Warren that he now has a publicist. Allison calls Warren "Warner" and shakes his hand. Warren wants to know if she really knows Freddie Prinze Jr., and she says Freddie's a total sweetheart. Uh huh. I read that...in Out magazine. Allison asks Warren what people think of when they think of Warren Cheswick...beside a terrifying case of acne and a permanent puberty voice. Warren says there's many things people may think of. Some think he's funny and sensitive, while others see a sexual potency in him just waiting to be unleashed. Diane interrupts Warren's fantasy world and tells Allison that everyone thinks Warren is a loser. Warren's offended and comments that Diane's description is a bit general. Allison announces her plan to create a "new" Warren. First, he has to date up. Allison points out Nicole Kidman marrying Tom Cruise and Lara Flynn Boyle dating Jack Nicholson as being beneficial to their respective careers. Their stocks rose. Nobody ever thought of Nicole serving as Tom's beard or Lara being Jack's bone-thin trophy girlfriend. But they did start paying attention to both of them. Warren asks if Allison can get him that chick from Dark Angel, and she says she's a publicist, not a magician. That made Diet Sprite come out my nose, and I've never even touched the stuff. Allison plans on making Warren mysterious and alluring. She intends to find a mystery woman nobody knows, snap some pictures of her and Warren together, place them in the local paper, and make it look like Warren's dating a lingerie model from New York City. Freddie Prinze Jr. calls Allison, and she has to take the call, while Warren's getting understandably giddy thinking he's about to rub nubbies with a lingerie model.
“ Mr. Bancroft asks if Ed even knows what the play is called. Ed feigns ignorance, which is getting easier and easier for him to do each week. ”
At the school auditorium, a kid asks Mr. Bancroft if they can work "this" into the show. The kid then does this terrible dance move -- he's doing this really spastic moonwalk dance that looks like Daffy Duck on fire. Mr. B. says he'll think about it, and then discreetly checks out the kid's goofy ass as he walks away. Don't tell me he didn't...I saw it! Ed walks up and introduces himself, explaining that Carol and Molly have sent him. Ed says the word on the street is Bancroft didn't give the lead role in the play to a boy because he was black. Mr. B. says the word on the street is correct. He did not give the role to the student based on the fact that he was black. Ed's admittedly appalled as we segue into...
...commercials. You know, in my day, I was a big Supertramp fan. But even I despised the song "Give A Little Bit." And now that I see the music world's has-beens -- like Dwight Yoakam and Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes -- destroying the song in their own imitable fashion just so that the Gap can sell more jeans...I've gotta admit it makes me sick. Except the one with Liz Phair in it. My Gawd, that woman's hotter than an acid bath.
After commercials, we're still in the auditorium, where Ed is still standing there, shell-shocked that he's eye to eye with an honest-to-God racist. Ed asks if the African-American kid's a better actor than the kid who got the part; Mr. Bancroft says he is. He then takes that major step and asks Bancroft if he's a racist. The teacher smiles, sighs, and begins his story, which nobody really cares about; we just want a stinking answer. Mr. Bancroft has poured his heart into his job. He's the type of teacher who still gets visits from past students who have long since graduated. These kids tell him that those plays they were in? Those plays meant something, dammit. This is why he takes his job seriously. He asks if Ed even knows what the play is called. Ed feigns ignorance, which is getting easier and easier for him to do each week. Bancroft hands him a script for The Abe Lincoln Story. Bancroft explains that it'd be hard to have a black kid playing Abe Lincoln when Abe Lincoln is the one who freed the slaves and wore really cool top hats. Bancroft says it would mean pandemonium in the aisles, chaos in the streets, and pretty shitty reviews to boot if he let a black kid play Abe Lincoln. He says he's doing what's best for the production. Ed tells Bancroft that a little birdie told him Bancroft's going to be fired tonight at a hastily held Board of Education meeting. But they cannot fire him for being a racist when he's not one. Ed suggests they sue the board for wrongful termination. Bancroft doesn't have to agree. It's in his eyes. There's also a prominent bulge in his groin.
“ I've noticed that Ed becomes a crusty curmudgeon whenever Warren's around. Maybe he's still stewing about the time Warren called him a bitch. ”
Driving down the street, Jim snorts the air and says he loves that new used car smell. Molly smiles because she knows he's really taking a whiff of the fart she just pooted out. Molly says her new car has no character; Jim begs to differ. He points out the awesome AM/FM radio and the bitchin' horn. Jim asks her what she's planning on naming the car; he suggests "Jim." Jim the Car. Yeah, buddy, that really has a ring to it. Kinda like "Sid the FedEx Box" or "Stan the Spent Candle." Molly tells Jim that he must think she's crazy for being so attached to that old hunk of shit she's been driving around for the last fifteen years. Jim says no, but you've got to think the guy's just a little bit apprehensive of a woman who names her car "Sadie." Jim hurries up and concocts a story about how, when he was a kid, he was attached to a certain sweatband that he thought made him look like tennis great Ilie Nastase. Sadly, nobody bothered to tell him he looked like Hans McDorko. Molly thinks about it for a second, smiles, and does a U-turn. Maybe she saw the grand opening of a doughnut shop. I have no idea. All I know is she turned around.
Warren and Diane walk into the bowling alley. Warren tells Ed he needs a chooch. Ed asks what a "chooch" is, and Warren translates his wacky teenage slang into Edspeak: a "chooch" is a "favor." Warren needs Ed to find him a beautiful lady. Ed mentions that this is the same conversation they always have. Allison the publicist walks in with her cell phone, telling Freddie Prinze Jr. that she wants him to wear a frilly shirt and carry a whip for a magazine cover shoot. Allison introduces herself to Ed and instantly spots Shirley, saying that she's the beautiful lady they need for Warren's little photo shoot. Warren panics and says, "No!" but Allison assures him that with a little TLC, Shirley will be perfect. Allison walks over to Shirley and asks her if she'd like to be in a photo shoot. Shirley pours a freshly made milkshake straight into a glass without ever diverting her eyes from Allison's. It's an amazing feat and something that would make David Copperfield gasp. Shirley gives Allison a defiant "no!" and walks away. Allison goes after her and assures Warren that she'll talk Shirley into doing it. Warren thanks Ed for the chooch, and Ed tells him to stop using that term. I've noticed that Ed becomes a crusty curmudgeon whenever Warren's around. Maybe he's still stewing about the time Warren called him a bitch.
“ It's scenes like this that make me wish the producers wouldn't give Michael Ian Black the week off. ”
Molly goes up to someone's front door and knocks. A young Steve Buscemi lookalike answers the door. He really looks like the bastard child of Steve Buscemi and a zombie wolf. Molly tells this kid -- who happens to be named Russell -- that she wants to buy her old car back from him. They walk out to the car and she asks what happened to the hubcaps. Russell has already sold them. Molly says she'll give him $150 for the car, but Russell says he needs $500. Jim scoffs and says that he's only had the car for thirty-six hours. Russell informs them that he has sunk some money into this heap o' shit and got the sonofabitch Jiffy Lubed. Russell changes his tune to $250 and an automatic C+ in science. Molly writes him a check for $250. He asks about the C+ and she tells him that will cost five grand. He asks, "Really?" and she says no. It's scenes like this that make me wish the producers wouldn't give Michael Ian Black the week off.
Warren and Diane are sitting in Stuckeyville Park. Warren's starting to have second thoughts about using Diane's cousin as his publicist, since she also represents Freddie Prinze Jr., who keeps making crappy teen horror movies. Which is apparently a dig against Warren's feature film debut, the admittedly crappy teen horror flick Jeepers Creepers released this past summer. Personally, I liked the film, but I watched it on my computer and didn't pay anything for it, so I can't really argue. As he speaks, he looks up and emits a "hubba hubba!" A hot-looking Shirley -- dressed in leather, showing cleavage, and wearing hip sunglasses -- is slowly teetering her way toward them. It's obvious that Shirley doesn't have much experience in high heels, since she looks like a card house about to collapse. Warren is making goo-goo eyes at Shirley, who looks about as comfortable as a cow in a slaughterhouse. Allison makes them stand together and tells them to act like they're young and in love while she tries to take a picture. She asks them to canoodle, but Shirley replies that she doesn't want to canoodle. Allison asks them to give her a big laugh. Warren responds with geeky nervous laughter while Shirley stands there looking like herself if she became a dominatrix. Diane steps in and asks Shirley if she's ever been in love. Shirley says that she dated a park ranger named Donald whose grandfather invented the ballpoint pen. Diane tells Shirley to pretend, for the sake of the photo, that Warren is Donald. Allison snaps a photo just as Shirley's eyes grow wide, and she's frozen in a bizarre facial expression with a huge demonic grin. As soon as the photo's taken, her face immediately returns to its standard uncomfortable glare.