As you may have seen on the Mighty Big TV homepage, I had a struggle as to how I should recap this week's episode of Ed, which deals with homophobia and racism. I tried to handle the subject with kid gloves, and what I ended up with was a recap that was about as funny as playfully wrestling with your grandmother and accidently popping a boner. So I went back and tried to spice the recap up a bit. In the process, I was probably a little more offensive than normal. Thank God we live in a free society where we're not forced to read everything on the internet. If you are easily offended by an absence of political correctness, take my advice and go check out some Hello Kitty fan site. But if you're willing to have a harmless chuckle at someone else's expense, dive right in. I will offer no apologies for this recap to anyone who reaches the end and gets offended, because you have been duly warned.
We kick off this week's Ed in the bowling alley, which is as fine a place to start as any. Ed is lying down in a lane, fixing something or taking a nap or something as Mike watches him. Mike has brought Ed a sandwich and chips, which causes Ed to recoil as though Mike had brought him a sandwich and cockroaches. "What brand of chips are those?" Ed demands. Mike admits that he doesn't know, because he doesn't have the brain power required to retain information all the way from the snack bar to the actual bowling lanes. Ed says he can't eat the chips, and Mike asks why; Mike's inquisitive that way. Ed says that when he was twelve years old, he saw a commercial in which it said that no one could eat just one potato chip of a particular brand. Ed decided that no snack company was going to tell him what he could and couldn't eat, so he ate one chip, threw the rest of the bag away, and has never eaten another one of their chips. To this day, he is Edward J. Stevens, the man who could eat just one chip. Mike, sensing a bet that he could win, bets Ed $10 he won't eat a chip. Ed refuses. Mike announces that this day needs to be marked down in history as the day that Edward J. Stevens refused a $10 bet adding that the tradition of the $10 bet is officially over. Ed snatches a chip and eats it. The scene ends with Ed chomping on the chip with a pissed-off look on his face. If I had written the scene, I would have had Ed grab another and another and another chip, wolfing down the whole plate like a psychotic potato-chip-eater guy thing. Unfortunately, I write the recaps. The show already has writers. But that was one of the lamer $10 bets, and had no real payoff. Mike didn't even laugh that stupid laugh that he normally does when Ed makes an ass of himself. The show has kicked off in a convoluted fashion yet again.
Ahhhhh...the theme song. The theme song is actually starting to grow on me. Like lesions on a leper. Like fungus on an amputated foot in a dumpster. Like cheese on unwashed genitalia. Yep. It's growing on me, all right.
Commercials. Guess what? Bounty has come out with a new paper towel so absorbent that it sucks the soul right out of your body if you touch it. No lie. Sucks the soul right out of ya. They need to hire Satan for a spokesman or something, and bill it as the official paper towel of hell or something.
Back in Stuckeyville, Molly and Jim are tooling down the road when Molly's jalopy fizzles, sputters, and dies on them. You can tell Jim's a little peeved as he gets out of the car and tells Molly to shut the ignition off. Molly says she did shut it off; sometimes it takes a while to quit running. My God. This car's in worse shape than Bob Hope. Molly mentions the irony in the fact that they were on their way to buy Molly a new vehicle when this one conked out on them. Jim points out that it isn't irony because her car always breaks down when he's with her. Molly tells "Sadie" not to listen to Jim, or something like that. She uttered the word "Sadie" -- that much I know. My closed captioning was on the fritz, and according to my television screen, the exact quote was "Sadie, sqizzle fuhrfuh gurute." Jim asked if Molly just called him "Sadie," and Molly says that her car's name is Sadie, because when she was eighteen years old, she thought it would be cool to name her car "Sadie." Jim laughs and asks what eighteen-year-old thinks the name "Sadie" is cool. When Molly gives him the evil eye, Jim gulps and says, "I thought I was the only one who thought it was cool!" Good save, Jimbo. You almost chomped down on a knuckle sandwich slathered in Mollynaise. Jim opens the hood and stares at the engine. Molly asks what's wrong with it; Jim says he doesn't know, since he's not a car guy. She wants to know why he's staring at the engine, and he tells her that's what car guys do. So he teaches her how to look like a car guy. First you fold your arms. Then you rock back and forth on your heels and nod a lot. Then you dip into your savings and pay some guy $1,000 to tighten a spark plug for you because all mechanics are dirty low-down thieves who will cheat, lie, and steal from you every chance they get. They're worse than Taliban soldiers. Really. They are. Mechanics are evil. They serve as Satan's backbone. I mean...that's what I read, anyway.
At a Board of Education meeting, Molly and Carol are talking about getting rid of Molly's car once and for all. Carol says that Molly's eventually going to kill herself in her car. Molly admits that Jim told her the exact same thing...the other morning. Carol gets giddy thinking that one of them might be doing the nasty, and starts prodding Molly for sexual details. Molly says Jim slept on the couch while she slept in the bed. Carol asks if he slept in her bed before he slept on the couch, or if she slept on the couch before she slept in her bed. Molly comments that this is the worst Dr. Seuss book ever written, while I scream, "What about Horton Hears a Ho, Molly?" Carol boldly asks if Molly slept with Jim, and Molly replies "I did not sleep with him in a car, I did not sleep with him at a bar. I did not sleep with him on a boat, I did not sleep with him on a moat." The two ladies giggle; Molly gives off the vibe that she did manage to choke down Jim's kielbasa during a particularly raunchy session of Naked Twister, and the meeting gets underway. A guy named Mr. Crane, who happens to be on the board, says that there's been an atrocity at Stuckeyville Jr. High. Apparently a Mr. Arnold Bancroft, the Drama teacher, would not give a part in a play to a boy because he's (gasp!) black. Carol whispers to Molly that it doesn't sound like Arnie. Mr. Crane says that this is a despicable and heinous act of racism, and asks that the board remove Mr. Bancroft from his duties at once in order to keep prejudice and racism out of the schoolrooms. Oh. I suppose it's perfectly okay at the local K-Mart, where Stuckeyvillians gather in the parking lot to make fun of Norwegian immigrants and throw broken cinder blocks at their albino-like heads, but apparently racism is not allowed in the schoolrooms. Carol whispers to Molly that it sounds like they're trying to run Bancroft out of town on a rail. I haven't even seen the guy yet, but I bet he'd enjoy it. Being a Drama teacher and all. Them Drama teachers -- they love riding the rails, if you get my drift, and I think you might.
All right, that was a pretty snippy thing to say about a Drama teacher -- to imply that he's gay just because he teaches Drama. I apologize. Just because he's a Drama teacher in a junior high school doesn't necessarily mean that he likes to be called "Betty" while he takes it up the butt. I'm truly sorry.
Meanwhile, Warren's cruising the halls of Stuckeyville High when Diane approaches him. She wants to know when he started thinking that wearing turtlenecks to school might be a good idea. He tells her not to start on him, adding that if she doesn't watch it, Warren might snap and do something drastic like break a pencil or something. This Warren...he's a maniac, Diane. You're messin' with fire when you talk smack about his apparel. She says he reminds her of someone but she can't decide who it is; she then changes the subject and tells him she's had a great idea for their project. She admits that having him join the wrestling team wasn't a home run, but it was a strong single and got him on the map with Jessica Martel. Warren informs her that he was already on the map with Jessica during the last school year. It's always the same thing -- he does something heroic, and the day Jessica smiles and says "hi." Nothing ever happens. There's never any hot monkey sex. Diane says that this time it will be different because Diane's helping him. She tells Warren to meet her at the Smiling Goat after school and then realizes who it is that he reminds her of: actor/director David Schwimmer. She tries to get him to say, "Monica, where's my monkey?" but Warren refuses, embarrassed. Diane walks away grinning as he slips into Schwimmer mode and says, "They haven't used that monkey in ten years! Nnnnngh." I've gotta admit, the kid does look like David Schwimmer -- that is, if Schwimmer were just a tad cooler than he actually is.
Carol and Ed are sitting in a booth at the alley, eating like Afghan refugees in a buffet line, when Ed announces that there's no food he doesn't like. Carol thinks about it and says, "Okra?" Ed likes okra. "Liver?" she asks. Ed likes liver. "Dog?" Ed says he loves hot dogs. Carol says she meant actual dogs, like poodles and hounds and schnauzers and stuff. Ed says that people don't eat dog, but Carol reminds him that in Korea they most certainly do. It's a delicacy over there; even the ritzy Koreans won't pass up a piping hot bowl of dog soup. Ed thinks about it and says he's sure he'd like dog, too. Meanwhile, a nerdy PETA member just busted out a pencil and paper and began composing hate mail to NBC for suggesting that a main character would actually eat Man's Best Friend, not fully grasping the concept of a "joke." Molly walks up and says that Arnie Bancroft is being fired. There was a 7-2 vote in favor of his termination at the Board of Education meeting. Molly and Carol think Ed should help the guy because he's not a racist, he's just a teacher who doesn't want to see people with different skin colors than his advance in this world. Ed says he'll look into it, but that he won't have anything to do with the case if it's proven that Arnie Bancroft is indeed a racist scumbag pig. Jim comes in and kisses Molly hello, which means they've officially reached the "wet greeting" stage. He says that he's taking Molly shopping for a new car today. Ed says, "You sold Sadie?!" with a tinge of horror in his voice, making Molly feel like warmed-over crap. Jim freaks out behind her, trying to silence Ed from any more Sadie praise. He says "ixnay on the Sadienay" or however you'd translate "Sadie" to Pig Latin. ["That would be 'adie-snay.'" -- Wing Chun] Molly says she heard that, and Jim tells her, as they walk out, that there's no way she could have decoded that. Carol observes Jim and Molly and says, "They've got a whole relationship thing," and Ed agrees, adding that Ed and Carol are left with night after night of empty physical pleasure. Carol smirks as if Ed Stevens ever has a chance of tying her to a bed and cleaning her pipes with various plumber's utensils.
Warren's sitting at the Smiling Goat when Diane and her cousin walk in. It turns out that Diane's cousin Allison works for a publicity firm and deals with Carson Daly and Freddie Prinze Jr., which automatically makes her the hottest publicity agent in Stuckeyville. You'd think that with that kind of notoriety, she could afford a decent hairdo and some stylish glasses. Diane informs Warren that he now has a publicist. Allison calls Warren "Warner" and shakes his hand. Warren wants to know if she really knows Freddie Prinze Jr., and she says Freddie's a total sweetheart. Uh huh. I read that...in Out magazine. Allison asks Warren what people think of when they think of Warren Cheswick...beside a terrifying case of acne and a permanent puberty voice. Warren says there's many things people may think of. Some think he's funny and sensitive, while others see a sexual potency in him just waiting to be unleashed. Diane interrupts Warren's fantasy world and tells Allison that everyone thinks Warren is a loser. Warren's offended and comments that Diane's description is a bit general. Allison announces her plan to create a "new" Warren. First, he has to date up. Allison points out Nicole Kidman marrying Tom Cruise and Lara Flynn Boyle dating Jack Nicholson as being beneficial to their respective careers. Their stocks rose. Nobody ever thought of Nicole serving as Tom's beard or Lara being Jack's bone-thin trophy girlfriend. But they did start paying attention to both of them. Warren asks if Allison can get him that chick from Dark Angel, and she says she's a publicist, not a magician. That made Diet Sprite come out my nose, and I've never even touched the stuff. Allison plans on making Warren mysterious and alluring. She intends to find a mystery woman nobody knows, snap some pictures of her and Warren together, place them in the local paper, and make it look like Warren's dating a lingerie model from New York City. Freddie Prinze Jr. calls Allison, and she has to take the call, while Warren's getting understandably giddy thinking he's about to rub nubbies with a lingerie model.
At the school auditorium, a kid asks Mr. Bancroft if they can work "this" into the show. The kid then does this terrible dance move -- he's doing this really spastic moonwalk dance that looks like Daffy Duck on fire. Mr. B. says he'll think about it, and then discreetly checks out the kid's goofy ass as he walks away. Don't tell me he didn't...I saw it! Ed walks up and introduces himself, explaining that Carol and Molly have sent him. Ed says the word on the street is Bancroft didn't give the lead role in the play to a boy because he was black. Mr. B. says the word on the street is correct. He did not give the role to the student based on the fact that he was black. Ed's admittedly appalled as we segue into...
...commercials. You know, in my day, I was a big Supertramp fan. But even I despised the song "Give A Little Bit." And now that I see the music world's has-beens -- like Dwight Yoakam and Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes -- destroying the song in their own imitable fashion just so that the Gap can sell more jeans...I've gotta admit it makes me sick. Except the one with Liz Phair in it. My Gawd, that woman's hotter than an acid bath.
After commercials, we're still in the auditorium, where Ed is still standing there, shell-shocked that he's eye to eye with an honest-to-God racist. Ed asks if the African-American kid's a better actor than the kid who got the part; Mr. Bancroft says he is. He then takes that major step and asks Bancroft if he's a racist. The teacher smiles, sighs, and begins his story, which nobody really cares about; we just want a stinking answer. Mr. Bancroft has poured his heart into his job. He's the type of teacher who still gets visits from past students who have long since graduated. These kids tell him that those plays they were in? Those plays meant something, dammit. This is why he takes his job seriously. He asks if Ed even knows what the play is called. Ed feigns ignorance, which is getting easier and easier for him to do each week. Bancroft hands him a script for The Abe Lincoln Story. Bancroft explains that it'd be hard to have a black kid playing Abe Lincoln when Abe Lincoln is the one who freed the slaves and wore really cool top hats. Bancroft says it would mean pandemonium in the aisles, chaos in the streets, and pretty shitty reviews to boot if he let a black kid play Abe Lincoln. He says he's doing what's best for the production. Ed tells Bancroft that a little birdie told him Bancroft's going to be fired tonight at a hastily held Board of Education meeting. But they cannot fire him for being a racist when he's not one. Ed suggests they sue the board for wrongful termination. Bancroft doesn't have to agree. It's in his eyes. There's also a prominent bulge in his groin.
Driving down the street, Jim snorts the air and says he loves that new used car smell. Molly smiles because she knows he's really taking a whiff of the fart she just pooted out. Molly says her new car has no character; Jim begs to differ. He points out the awesome AM/FM radio and the bitchin' horn. Jim asks her what she's planning on naming the car; he suggests "Jim." Jim the Car. Yeah, buddy, that really has a ring to it. Kinda like "Sid the FedEx Box" or "Stan the Spent Candle." Molly tells Jim that he must think she's crazy for being so attached to that old hunk of shit she's been driving around for the last fifteen years. Jim says no, but you've got to think the guy's just a little bit apprehensive of a woman who names her car "Sadie." Jim hurries up and concocts a story about how, when he was a kid, he was attached to a certain sweatband that he thought made him look like tennis great Ilie Nastase. Sadly, nobody bothered to tell him he looked like Hans McDorko. Molly thinks about it for a second, smiles, and does a U-turn. Maybe she saw the grand opening of a doughnut shop. I have no idea. All I know is she turned around.
Warren and Diane walk into the bowling alley. Warren tells Ed he needs a chooch. Ed asks what a "chooch" is, and Warren translates his wacky teenage slang into Edspeak: a "chooch" is a "favor." Warren needs Ed to find him a beautiful lady. Ed mentions that this is the same conversation they always have. Allison the publicist walks in with her cell phone, telling Freddie Prinze Jr. that she wants him to wear a frilly shirt and carry a whip for a magazine cover shoot. Allison introduces herself to Ed and instantly spots Shirley, saying that she's the beautiful lady they need for Warren's little photo shoot. Warren panics and says, "No!" but Allison assures him that with a little TLC, Shirley will be perfect. Allison walks over to Shirley and asks her if she'd like to be in a photo shoot. Shirley pours a freshly made milkshake straight into a glass without ever diverting her eyes from Allison's. It's an amazing feat and something that would make David Copperfield gasp. Shirley gives Allison a defiant "no!" and walks away. Allison goes after her and assures Warren that she'll talk Shirley into doing it. Warren thanks Ed for the chooch, and Ed tells him to stop using that term. I've noticed that Ed becomes a crusty curmudgeon whenever Warren's around. Maybe he's still stewing about the time Warren called him a bitch.
Molly goes up to someone's front door and knocks. A young Steve Buscemi lookalike answers the door. He really looks like the bastard child of Steve Buscemi and a zombie wolf. Molly tells this kid -- who happens to be named Russell -- that she wants to buy her old car back from him. They walk out to the car and she asks what happened to the hubcaps. Russell has already sold them. Molly says she'll give him $150 for the car, but Russell says he needs $500. Jim scoffs and says that he's only had the car for thirty-six hours. Russell informs them that he has sunk some money into this heap o' shit and got the sonofabitch Jiffy Lubed. Russell changes his tune to $250 and an automatic C+ in science. Molly writes him a check for $250. He asks about the C+ and she tells him that will cost five grand. He asks, "Really?" and she says no. It's scenes like this that make me wish the producers wouldn't give Michael Ian Black the week off.
Warren and Diane are sitting in Stuckeyville Park. Warren's starting to have second thoughts about using Diane's cousin as his publicist, since she also represents Freddie Prinze Jr., who keeps making crappy teen horror movies. Which is apparently a dig against Warren's feature film debut, the admittedly crappy teen horror flick Jeepers Creepers released this past summer. Personally, I liked the film, but I watched it on my computer and didn't pay anything for it, so I can't really argue. As he speaks, he looks up and emits a "hubba hubba!" A hot-looking Shirley -- dressed in leather, showing cleavage, and wearing hip sunglasses -- is slowly teetering her way toward them. It's obvious that Shirley doesn't have much experience in high heels, since she looks like a card house about to collapse. Warren is making goo-goo eyes at Shirley, who looks about as comfortable as a cow in a slaughterhouse. Allison makes them stand together and tells them to act like they're young and in love while she tries to take a picture. She asks them to canoodle, but Shirley replies that she doesn't want to canoodle. Allison asks them to give her a big laugh. Warren responds with geeky nervous laughter while Shirley stands there looking like herself if she became a dominatrix. Diane steps in and asks Shirley if she's ever been in love. Shirley says that she dated a park ranger named Donald whose grandfather invented the ballpoint pen. Diane tells Shirley to pretend, for the sake of the photo, that Warren is Donald. Allison snaps a photo just as Shirley's eyes grow wide, and she's frozen in a bizarre facial expression with a huge demonic grin. As soon as the photo's taken, her face immediately returns to its standard uncomfortable glare.
Switching to the courtroom, Ed is grilling Mr. Bancroft. No, that's not a gay term: I meant Ed's questioning Mr. Bancroft on the stand. Sheesh. Is that all you people think I do? Make fun of gay people? Ed asks Mr. Bancroft whether he thinks Paul is the best actor in the class, and Bancroft says he does. Ed asks why, if Paul's the best, he doesn't have the lead role in the play. Bancroft says it's a matter of casting. Ed makes some suggestions to illustrate bad casting decisions, like, you wouldn't cast Meryl Streep to play Babe Ruth or hire Tom Hanks to play Martin Luther King Jr. or have Mariah Carey play a pop singer on the road from rags to riches in a movie called Glitter. Bancroft agrees, and says that you also have to factor in the race issue when casting a play. There's no way Paul Gordon could play Abe Lincoln. They can't have a black Lincoln, because it would be confusing to the audience, who wouldn't buy him as Abe Lincoln but rather a slave in a stovepipe hat. Bancroft insists that he's just doing what's best for the production, for the school, and for humanity, dammit. Now it's the other lawyer's turn. The other lawyer asks whether Bancroft is serious about just doing his best. Bancroft says he's damned serious. The lawyer asks at what point the production became more important than the students. Bancroft doesn't understand the question. The lawyer mentions that Bancroft picked a 5'3" student to play Abe Lincoln, who stood nearly nine feet tall. Maybe that was Paul Bunyan. I tend to get the two confused ever since I got drunk and fell off the bar stool at Ivy's, hitting my head twelve years ago. Also, Bancroft picked a fourteen-year-old student to play Lincoln, when Lincoln was fifty-two years old when he was elected president. And while in Hollywood, they give the role to the best man, this isn't Hollywood; this is a junior high school production, and not a very good one to boot. Before there's anarchy in the courtroom, Ed objects to the badgering of poor Mr. Bancroft, which leads Ed to wonder to himself...is his client really racist? Or is he just a misguided old drama queen who takes pride in stirring up shit in Stuckeyville?
Commercials. You know, I tried this Buffalo Chicken sandwich that the freak in the Subway commercials keeps hawking. It tasted like lukewarm used condoms with hot sauce on top.
At the high school, Jessica Martel and her band of gypsies are hanging out in the hallway and looking at the photo of Warren in the newspaper with the hot new lingerie model "Ava Hortona." The jocks can't believe Warren is dating lingerie models now. Jessica even "recognizes her from the lingerie catalog." Warren walks by, coolly says, "Jessica...boys," and keeps walking. He rounds a corner, where Diane is waiting. Warren's giddier than a kid with ADD and a bagful of quarters in a video arcade. He asks Diane if she saw what just transpired; she did. He can't believe that he finally has an aura of mystique and admits that this is the first time he's ever given off pheromones...if you casually overlook the time he didn't shower for three weeks. He tells Diane that she's awesome and holds up his hand to high-five. Diane looks disgusted and tells him that she doesn't high-five because there's nothing cheesier than high-fiving. I agree totally. Whenever anyone wants to high-five Uncle Bob, I just stare at them until they drop their hand out of embarrassment.
We then see Molly and Jim pushing Sadie down the street. You can tell that Jim's beginning to have second thoughts of ever asking Molly out. I mean, she may be the Chesty Morgan of Stuckeyville, but Jimbo's finding out that hooters ain't everything when the girl drives an Edsel. Molly thanks him for helping push her car and he corrects her, saying that it's not a car -- it's a metal albatross. He then apologizes and says that, actually, this has been the most exercise he's had since 1993. Which I think might be a hint that he's a little hot for teacher, if you get my drift and I think you might, but you know...sometimes my metaphors are about as broad as Molly's ass. He asks her what is it with her and that goddamned car; why the emotional bond? Molly sighs and asks him to join her for dinner. Jim sighs and says that's exactly the same thing she does whenever he asks her a question. She says that the reason she can sigh and avoid questions is because she's adorable when she's a freak. I'm beginning to agree with her. He's always helping her push her car around town and whining about it...so why don't they ever take his car? Maybe because he doesn't have one. Maybe he's a bigger drunkard than Principal Drunk-Ass. Maybe he's got a deep secret, too, that could threaten their relationship. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Carol busts all up in Ed's office, sporting a kindly old gentleman on her arm. She introduces him as Victor Sedaka (no relation to Neil...I checked), and he says that he's got something they need to know about Mr. Crane, the guy who wants to get rid of Mr. Bancroft. It turns out that when Bancroft first applied for the job five years ago, Crane said they didn't need "his type" at Stuckeyville High. As it turns out...Mr. Bancroft is gay. Oh isn't this just super?! Here I was making jokes about the Drama teacher being gay, and lo and behold, the guy's gayer than a Judy Garland film festival. Meanwhile, my job is to write an uproariously funny recap of the show and they bog me down with material surrounding racism and homophobia. Geez, if we could just somehow work in a bone cancer subplot, this could possibly be the most depressingly PC recap I've ever had to scrawl.
Over at Stuckey Bowl, Warren and Diane are bowling. Warren tells her that, when all this is over with and he's dry humping Jessica Martel in the back of his daddy's station wagon, he's going to take care of Diane. He's decided that he's going to let her go through the Sharper Image catalog and pick out anything she wants...as long as it's under $50. Diane tosses off a sarcastic "gee thanks," and he points out that they have some sweet-assed laser pointers in that catalog. Oh that's just grand, Warren. Buy the girl something that will burn her corneas to a crisp if she accidently looks at it. Way to score points there, Michael Jordan. Allison comes up to ask how her favorite jet-setting playboy is doing, and whether he's ready for Round II of "Who Wants To Be A Popular Cheerleader Deflowerer?" Warren is, and Allison says that he'll be throwing a party! Warren is practically rendered speechless and suggests that it be a Murder Mystery Party where they hide clues all over the house. Diane rolls her eyes, and Allison quickly changes the subject. She tells Warren to pick out the five coolest kids in school. He reels off Fozzcat, Jessica, Ashley, Jake, and Tommy. Allison hands him a handful of cards to leave in their lockers. The cards have Warren's phone number and the time 4:00 on them. Warren asks if it's an invitation, and she says, "Sort of." She then gets a phone call from David Leisure. Both Diane and Warren look at her and give her the "who?!" face. Allison says, "Joe Isuzu!" and they both mentally recognize the guy now. I'm proud to say I knew who he was as soon as she said "David Leisure." Not that I'm a huge fan, but I have this uncanny knack for recognizing pop culture icons by their stage names. Well...not really. I just wanted to appear cool.
Molly and Jim park at the pond. It's time Molly told Jim the reason why she loves her car like a long-lost sibling. It was the summer after she graduated high school, and a guy named Terry asked her out. He was a busboy at the restaurant where she worked; he was nerdy but cute. He asked her out on her very first date. They went and saw Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2, which prompts Jim to blurt, "Freddy's Revenge!" Molly asks why Jim would know that, and he shamefully admits that he has a head for sequels. He reels off Porky's II: The Day, Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, and Lust In Space 2: Attack of the Alien Sluts. Molly's not impressed, and continues with her story. After the movie, Molly and Terry parked, talked, and kissed. It was her first kiss. They made out for six hours in the back of the car, practically rewriting the Kama Sutra, and then ended up dating all summer. At the end of the summer, he was going to Columbia University, and left her his car since he couldn't take it to school. After he left, she never saw him again, which your average girl would take as an insult, but not Molly. She held onto that car as a trinket of the guy's love. Jim asks, "Wouldn't it be great if I pulled off a rubber mask and you found out that I was really him?" Molly ignores this cheap attempt at a laugh and says that ever since then, she hasn't been able to let go of the car. You can tell that Jim's disappointed that he wasn't the first one to caress Molly's meaty loins, but he hides it pretty well. He offers to help her make some new memories as he opens the back seat of the car and they slowly get in with goofy grins on their faces, because they're about to get buck wild in the back seat. Molly go' get her groove onnnn. Rat own, rat own, rat own.
Back in the courtroom, Mr. Crane is being grilled by Ed. Once again, that's not a double entendre. Ed asks Crane if he voted to have Bancroft fired. Crane says he did, because Mr. Bancroft is a damned racist! Ed says, "So? What's wrong with being a racist?" Crane stares at him and says, "Is this a joke?" Crane says that this is America, and that the color of one's skin shouldn't be a factor in holding anyone back, because everyone's equal. Men, women, blacks, whites -- everyone. Ed says that Crane couldn't have possibly just said that. Crane says that's exactly what he said: everyone should be treated as equals. Ed says, "Even gay people?" Crane swallows and looks like he's about to poop his pants. Ed then reads the quote from Crane, declaring that Bancroft's "type" shouldn't be allowed to teach our children or host slumber parties for wayward teen boys. Ed informs Crane that he has several people willing to testify that Crane is constantly making homophobic comments, and that he led the charge to poison people's minds about Mr. Bancroft. Crane is squirming like a little boy chained to a wall in Pee wee Herman's basement. Ed asks Crane whether it's true that he made all these anti-gay statements, and Crane doesn't answer. The judge tries to tell Crane to answer, but Ed says that it's okay; his facial expressions are worth a thousand words. The other lawyer asks Crane what the final vote against Bancroft was. Crane says it was 7-2 in favor of giving Bancroft the old heave-ho. The other lawyer rests his case because, quite frankly, that's all he's got. This whole gay thing has really thrown his defense into a tizzy.
Commercials fly all up in my face. A couple is primping in a bathroom when the lady drops an earring in the toilet. The man scoops it out without flinching and hands it back to her. And then we find out the commercial's for Norelco razors. Color me stoopid, but I don't get the connection here. If you have a man who's dumb enough to stick his hand down a dirty toilet to retrieve an earring you purchased from a guy on the street, you're supposed to reward him with a Norelco razor? What the hell do you do if he slaps a couple of multiple orgasms your way? Finance him a condo on the beach?
Back at Warren's swingin' pad, Warren, Diane, and Allison are hanging out. The clock strikes four, and the phone rings. Allison picks it up; it's Fozzcat. He says that he's received a card in his locker telling him to call this number at 4:00. Allison says she doesn't know a Fozzcat and tells him to tear the ticket up because Mr. Cheswick is throwing a private party for VIPs only. Fozzcat tries to explain that he's the captain of the football team, and Allison relents, telling him to be at the Stuckey Bowl at 8:00. She hangs up, and Warren is practically delirious from glee. He says this is going to be the social event of the season. Allison asks Warren if he knows what exclusive means. He says he thinks he does, and she says, "Tonight, you'll learn."
Ed goes to speak to Mr. Gordon, the father of the kid who wanted to be Abe Lincoln but ended up portraying Slave #3. Mr. Gordon works in a model-train-supply store. Ed asks to speak to him. Mr. Gordon says that if Ed's here to talk about the case, he can forget it, but that if he needs model train supplies, then he's come to the right place. Ed completely ignores this request and starts talking about the case. Ed needs Mr. Gordon's help. Mr. Gordon admits that he doesn't think that Bancroft is racist, but he did send his son home crying. They come to the conclusion that the only bigot in this entire episode is Mr. Crane, and Ed needs Gordon to get on the stand and testify against Crane. Gordon gives it some deep thought. No answer -- just deep thought.
At the Stuckey Bowl that evening, Allison is out front with two big burly bouncers and a velvet rope. All the cool kids from high school are in line waiting to get in. As they get to the front of the line and give their names, Allison shoos them away, telling them they're not on the list. Meanwhile, a gleeful Warren and Diane are watching through the blinds in Ed's office. Ed walks in and says that when he was a kid and had a party, he actually had people at the party. Warren says, "Riddle me this, Boy Wonder...when is a party not a party?" Ed doesn't know, and Warren says, "When it's a publicity stunt!" and then does his best Frank "Riddler" Gorshin chuckle, which sounded more like Roseanne choking on a turkey bone. Warren thanks Ed, letting Ed know that he's Warren's "dawg." Ed always looks stiff around Warren. It reminds me of my relationship with my in-laws. Except there's never near the amount of vomit on Ed. Meanwhile, Fozzcat and Jessica make it to the front of the line. Fozzcat tells Allison that he's Fozzcat, and she asks, "Is that your first name....last name....what?" He looks embarrassed that somebody doesn't really know who he is, so Jessica steps in with her snippy "I'm Jessica Martel. I'm a friend of Warren's." Allison looks at her clipboard and says, "Nope...sorry." Fozzcat pulls out one of the cards and says that he found this in his locker. Allison says she doesn't know what that is, and that they're not allowed into this VIP party. Warren practically creams his jeans watching this take place and grabs Diane, kissing her on the cheek. Diane looks grossed out and says, "Gawd, Cheswick, get a grip!" But as the camera lingers on her, we catch the longing look shining toward Warren. There you have it, kids. This "experiment" is not to unite Warren and Jessica -- it's to allow Diane to sink her claws into Warren. And there's the reasoning behind her actions. You read it here first, kiddies. That is...as long as you don't read theEdforums.
Over at the courthouse, Mr. Gordon is on the stand. He says that Bancroft does not deserve to lose his job because he's just trying to do the right thing. Somewhere, Spike Lee just choked on whatever he was stuffing his baby-sized head with. Gordon doesn't think his son was denied the role of Abe Lincoln because of racism. He says the world's a complicated place, and that all you can do is try to do your best. Too many good people have fallen prey to ignorance, and Mr. Bancroft does not need to be added to that list. Seconds later, the jury finds for Bancroft and awards him his job back. The judge wishes Mr. Crane good luck in keeping his job. To say he looks pissed would be an understatement. Crane looks like Snidely Whiplash after a particularly mean cocaine binge. Carol hugs Bancroft and then asks Ed, "Gefilte fish?" Ed: "Love it."
Out in Stuckeyville Park, Molly is leading Jim by the wrist as he holds his hand over his eyes. Molly has a big surprise for Jim, and tells him it contains heavy machinery and government procedures. With a clue like that, Jim is sure he's finally going to get some Molly nookie. Finally, she tells him that he can look. He sees a crane lifting Molly's car high in the air over the pond. She tells Jim that it's finally time to give Sadie a proper burial. Warren walks up to Diane to ask what's going on, and she says it looks like some lame radio deejay stunt. Diane spies Jessica Martel walking over to them. She smiles and tells Warren "good luck" as Jessica approaches and Diane walks away. Jessica asks how the party went, and the Chezzcat plays it pretty cool. Jessica invites him to a party at Jake's that evening; Warren says that Jake's his boy, so he can probably make it. She says she'll see him there, and he says, "Whatever." She walks away, and Warren gives Diane a thumbs-up. Diane returns it from a distance with a painful little look tacked on. All eyes are on Molly's hunk of shit as it's dropped into the lake. A big cheer and applause follow its burial at pond as The Band's "The Weight" plays. Ed announces that they've all learned a valuable lesson here today. Carol asks, "What's that?" Ed replies, "I have no idea."
This turned out to be the best episode of the last four or so episodes simply because of the Warren/Diane storyline. While we have a pretty good feeling that Ed and Carol won't be doing the wango tango anytime soon, and we know that Jim and Molly are just about at the stage where Molly's ready to get nekkid in the back seat of her new used car, we're still kind of in the dark about Warren and Diane, which currently is the only mystery in the show. Will they or won't they? My money is on "they will," and when they do, it should be one of the sweetest, most rewarding payoffs in the show's history. Now if they could just let Ed and Carol get their mack on, I could stop complaining and go back to enjoying the show.
And please...don't ever make me try to be funny about unfunny subjects ever again. That shit ain't amusing.