I am so not looking forward to this recap. Each week, it's getting harder and harder for me to recap this show, because the positive elements are dwindling faster than Bob Dole's erections. The show that once packed more laughs per minute than your average Special Olympics telecast is now about as funny as a Meryl Streep movie.
Let's give it a shot anyway.
Previously on Ed, a new principal started at Stuckeyville High. This principal pissed Carol Vessey off every time they crossed paths. He had the generous nickname "Principal Jackass" bestowed upon him, and worked hard to live up to it on every episode. Carol got tired of trying to reason with the guy, so she frenched him in front of her house, hoping that would "snap him out" of his general pissiness. This week, we get to see if it worked. Yawn.
The show begins with Mike and Ed rummaging through the Stuckeyville Farmer's Market, which is apparently a pretty big deal, but has never been mentioned before this episode. They're talking about Thanksgiving and why the pilgrims should have been thankful. Naturally, one of the reasons is that they didn't have to sit through this painfully unfunny episode of Ed. Ed and Mike see a sign announcing that the annual Stuckeyville Thanksgiving Parade has been cancelled. This pisses off Ed, who demands to know why there won't be gaudy floats and idiots dressed like pilgrims goosestepping up and down Main Street. Mike says that nobody wanted to have a parade because "things are bad." Obviously, this is a reference to the hell that Osama bin Laden has put our country through. Either that or a reference to the latest Michael Jackson album. They're looking at pumpkins when Mike bets Ed ten clams that he won't walk up to a pair of ladies and say, "Excuse me, ladies, but I just wanted to inform you that I'm a jackass." Apparently, things may be "bad," but there's always enough cash flow for a humiliating ten-dollar bet in the Burton household. Ed doesn't think the bet's all that imaginative, so he decides to take him up on it. Ed walks over to the ladies and says, "Excuse me, ladies..." One of the ladies says, "What do you want, jackass?" Mike enters the scene about to bust a gut, and pays the ladies as well as Ed, finding the whole thing uproariously funny. I check my watch...fifty-seven minutes left.
Opening credits. I go to check on my dog, who sounds like she accidently impaled herself on a set of butcher's knives. She's safe and sound. It's that damned theme song again.
I taped the episode tonight, so there won't be any comments on commercials this week because I fast-forwarded through them. If you have any complaints, please see the gentleman at the door, and he will refund your money, call your mother a whore, and see to it that you're never allowed in here again. There. I guess I told you. Nanny nanny boo boo.
Carol's walking into the Stuckeyville Pie Shop, home of the greatest freakin' pies in America. She sees Principal Jackass and makes to haul ass, but they run into each other anyway. The obligatory small talk follows, including Carol referring to a late lunch/early dinner as "Dunch," which is a lot like "Brunch," except it's eaten at a different part of the day, and there's no Eggs Benedict involved. Carol wants to talk about "the other night," when she violated Jackass's personal space with her waggling tongue. Jackass playfully says he doesn't remember it, and then says, "Oh! You mean the kiss." Carol says yes, she means the kiss. He says they can talk about it. She says okay. He says, "You first." She tells him to go first. He says since that she brought it up, she should talk about it first. She doesn't want to go first, and then decides that maybe they shouldn't talk about it. I check my TV listings to make sure I haven't accidently tuned into a particularly terrifying rerun of Degrassi Junior High. Nope. This is Ed, all right. Just an episode of Ed where the characters are acting like complete and utter retards. Jackass tells Carol that when she wants to talk about it, she knows where his office is. She assures him that she knows, and has fantasized many nights about taking him into that same office, making him wear a leather diaper, a leather police hat, and a choker chain, and whipping him while he's on all fours on his desk. Jackass smiles, gets in his car, and backs up into traffic, where some guy smacks into the back of his car. It's nothing serious...certainly not the fiery auto crash in which we've all been hoping the Jackass would perish. Jackass shrugs and gives Carol a look like, "What can ya do?" I'm guessing this is supposed to be comedy.
Nancy's in the kitchen baking some cookies. Mike walks in, picks up a cookie, and goes to take a bite. Nancy warns him that they're hot, and Mike says he has the pain threshold of a camel. Personally, I have the pain threshold of a ferret on mescaline, so I kinda know where he's coming from. Mike says the cookie's delicious. Ed walks into the kitchen, because apparently Mike's and Nancy's house has no doorbells. Ed kisses the Evil Baby Sara and reminds her that he's her real father. Ahhhh...so Ed is finally admitting that he's really Satan, the Lord of the hoary netherworld. Well it's about damned time. Mike says that he always thought Sara's real father was the cable guy, insinuating that his wife is the town slut who will blow cable guys for free HBO. I debate moving to Stuckeyville and going into the cable installation trade until I realize Stuckeyville's a fake city. Suddenly, my fantasy world comes crashing down around me, but since it's a fantasy world, there's not much rubble involved. Nancy offers Ed a cookie; he takes it and says it's a great cookie. She asks whether he'd pay for a dozen of these cookies. He says he's not that hungry right now, and reminds her that if she needs a few bucks, she could always have sex with a certain MBTV recapper. Nancy says that she hung up her whore shoes years ago after the cable-guy incident and explains that she's thinking about going down to the Farmer's Market and setting up a booth to sell her cookies. Ed says that he's seen this premise on sitcoms before. Nancy will go down to the Farmer's Market, sell her cookies, it'll turn into a huge success, she'll start making more money than Mike, Mike will become resentful, Nancy will send nude photos of herself over the internet to a certain MBTV recapper, and their landlord will overhear parts of their predicament and determine that Mike's gay. Nancy admits that Mike's already gay. Mike says he always thought the cable guy was gay. I seem to be enjoying my fantasy episode of Ed more than the real thing, so I close my eyes and let my imagination take over for a few minutes, while the pause button on my remote control is utilized. Five minutes and three soiled Kleenex later, I go back to the actual show.
In the bowling alley, with the whole staff present, Phil is reminding Ed of Thanksgiving 2000, when Ed went crazier than Mariah Carey and made the world's largest meatloaf for Thanksgiving. Ed reminds Phil of his ignorant idea for fine Corinthian turkeys. Ed brings up the fact that the Stuckeyville Thanksgiving Parade has been cancelled. Phil says that's okay because he's not a parade guy. Kenny pipes up and says, "You're a guy?!" Phil's offended while everyone snickers at Kenny's slam. The Jackass walks in and wants to see Ed alone in his office. Ed agrees to see him but reminds him that he's not into the hanky panky like a certain Carol Vessey. As they walk into the office, Phil -- still stewing over Kenny's slam -- stares at Kenny and menacingly says, "Seriously...I'll kick your ass." Kenny just looks at him and lets out a loud laugh.
In Ed's office, Jackass is telling Ed all about the wreck. There was no damage done to either car, yet he got a letter from the guy's lawyer, who's suing Jackass for ten grand. Jackass insists that his car was barely moving. Jackass admits that he's between insurance policies right now and, as a high-school principal, he doesn't make an assload of money like Ed does. Ed says that's fine, takes off his diamond-encrusted Rolex, and tells Jackass he's going to have to answer some questions. Questions such as...ohhh...."Where did it happen?" Jackass says it was at the Pie Shop. "Were there any witnesses?" Yes...Carol Vessey. Ed's heart drops as he hears the name Carol Vessey come tumbling out of Jackass's lips. Ed tries to rebound and play it cool, but he's about as cool as Tim Conway at a Slayer concert. He babbles on and on that Carol's great, she's excellent, she'd make a great witness, she's good, she's good, she's good, she's good. It's like the time Rosie the Robot blew a fuse on The Jetsons and went a bit haywire. Except Ed's a bowling-alley lawyer and not a robotic maid. Still, after this, I wouldn't be a bit shocked if we found out Ed was really a cyborg. Ed assures Jackass that he will talk to this lawyer fella; Jackass thanks him, and leaves.
Mike walks in as Jackass is leaving; he asks Ed what Jackass was doing here. Ed says that he was at the office to let Ed know that he hangs out with Carol Vessey after school. Ed's silent for a few moments and then blurts, "We need a parade!" He jumps up from his desk as Mike tries to explain that the Michael Jackson album is tumbling down the charts and the economy can't possibly support a parade if it can't even support a new album from the King of Pop. Ed says, "That's where you're wrong, Mr. Giant Forehead," and calls Phil to his office. Phil's there in a heartbeat, marking the first time he's ever shown any sign of actually being an employee worth retaining. Ed tells Phil to round up Kenny and Shirley, and instruct them to go sign businesses up for the best darned parade that Stuckeyville has ever seen. Phil agrees to do so. I cover my face with my hands and moan. If there's one thing that will ruin this episode, it's a freakin' parade. Well...that and a shot of Kenny taking a dump on the beach. That'd pretty much do it for me.
At the Farmer's Market, Nancy's asking Mike if what she's doing is crazy. Mike asks if she means the concept of giving out free oral sex with each dozen cookies sold. She punches Mike in the arm and says, "No silly...selling cookies." Oh yeah, Nance. Selling cookies is positively insane. Nobody should be allowed to sell cookies except for mental patients, the brain damaged, and Buffy fans. Nancy's flirting with the idea of calling her cookies "Fancy Nancy Cookies," and going national. I think I'd rather she called them "Nasty Nancy's Cookies." I'd eat Nasty Nancy's cookies. Boy, would I ever. Mike leaves and a group of soccer moms approach Nancy's booth. They're the Cookie Moms, and have all had the same idea Nancy's had -- to sell their cookies at the Farmer's Market and eventually go national with the idea. They've come to greet the new Cookie Mom. Nancy is excited and asks them all to try a cookie and let her know how good they are. They all love her cookies; one Mom says, "This son of a bitch is a home run." I like this Cookie Mom best. Nancy's excited about their enthusiasm and has decided to call her cookies "Nancy's Tasty Homemade Cookies." I'll bet you ten bucks Nancy's never taken a single Marketing class in her life.
Ed enters the law office of Chet Bellafore, played by Chris Elliott. Normally, I'm a huge fan of Chris Elliott and will defend his unique brand of comedic genius to my last dying breath. But he sucked whale balls in this episode. Chet is a lawyer who subscribes to a Zen-like philosophy with little explanation as to why. He has the peaceful waterfall and the New Age music playing in his office, which is decorated like a Japanese whorehouse. He asks Ed what can they do for each other; Ed wants him to drop this ridiculous lawsuit suing his client for ten grand over a minor fender-bender. Chet admires Ed's directness, and then launches into some psychobabble about how trees stand in the forest unless they're crooked, as if that's going to make sense in this situation. Ed tells him he's not getting ten grand for this accident. Chet starts rambling that according to the Art of War, you surround your enemies on three sides, always leaving them a side to retreat from. Ed offers him $250 for repairs and Chet starts talking about the New Age music. Chet rejects Ed's offer, and Ed says it was his final offer. Chet says it wasn't even an offer. Ed leaves with the intention of seeing Chet in court. My God...you mean we have to experience this character again?! Granny, get my shotgun. Tonight the television dies!
Phil, Kenny, and Shirley enter the local hardware store and track down Mr. Shaker, the owner of the store. Phil does all the talking and passes himself off as a representative of Stubbs, Sandusky, and...as it turns out, he doesn't know Shirley's last name. Shirley squeaks out "Fifko," and Phil finishes the line, in what was probably the funniest moment of the show this week. Phil informs Shaker that they are a parade planning company, having planned parades around the world, including the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Their company has done some research and discovered that Stuckeyville is an excellent town for a parade. Shaker says he doesn't want to participate in a parade because the economy stinks ever since the whores left town, and that Stubbs, Sandusky, and Fifko will have a tough time doing a parade in Stuckeyville. It's a sad day in Stuckeyville when a scene with all three of the bowling-alley staff can't generate an honest chuckle. Suddenly, the idea of watching Ed with the sound off while Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon plays on my stereo doesn't sound as bad as it originally did.
Ed's in his office when Carol floats in. Ed's called her there to ask her some questions about Jackass's wreck. Carol agrees to answer them. Ed asks whether she witnessed the wreck, and she says she did. He asks her to tell him what happened, so she tells her side of the story -- basically the same side the Jackass already told Ed. Ed asks whether there was any alcohol involved; Carol says that they just ran into each other at the Pie Shop, and then Jackass got into his car and wrecked. No alcohol. He just tapped the other car; it was nothing serious. Carol notices that Ed's reading a book about pilgrims, and he says that their lives sucked and really got tough once they reached the new world. I haven't been a witness to this much mindless chit-chat since last Christmas, when my in-laws came over for dinner and wanted to discuss the advantages of scotch tape over glue.
At the Farmer's Market, Nancy's obviously doing well with her cookies. The Cookie Moms come up to the booth, and she tells them that she's completely sold out of cookies. She says it was a ton of fun, and she can't wait to get home to bake some more cookies. She wants to know how many she should bring...she's thinking twelve or fifteen dozen. The head Cookie Mom says she doesn't know how to say this, so she tells Nancy not to bring more than six dozen cookies. The Cookie Moms have a pact that they never bring more than six dozen so that the others get a chance. Today, Nancy brought seven dozen cookies. Nancy apologizes and says that she'll only bring six dozen cookies the day. The "son of a bitch" lady says "You're a good kid," like a suburban female version of a Soprano.
Carol's in her classroom when Jackass walks by. "I see you're hard at work," Jackass says. "I see you're hard," Carol counters, gesturing toward Jackass's groin. Sheesh. Whatta whore. She informs Jackass that the moment he leaves, she's gone. He says he'll see her tomorrow. He makes to leave, and she says that this is different; usually when he pokes his head into her office, he's yelling. Jackass asks whether she wants him to yell, and she says that she likes it this way. Throughout this entire episode, we've witnessed a kinder, gentler Jackass. He's gone from being the most callous asshole in Stuckeyville to giving Ed a serious run for his money as Mr. Congeniality. All because of a kiss. I get the feeling that if Carol Vessey grabbed me and planted one on my puss, I'd do little more than get hungry for some tuna.
Shirley walks into Ed's office, silently chewing something. It takes her a while to finish chewing, and then she swallows and announces that she was "finishing her stew." Shirley then announces that Jackass is in the how-wouse, adding that she could eat stew seven nights out of the week, but she doesn't. Ed's as impressed by Shirley as your average dog is by the theory of evolution. Jackass comes in, and Ed tells him that this Chet guy is totally unreasonable. Ed thought he could take care of it, but he's having a bit of trouble. Jackass lets Ed know that he will not be going to court over something like this. Ed asks why not, and Jackass says he doesn't want to. Ed tells him that he has no choice; this guy won't settle, so they'll have to go to court to get off the hook. Jackass tells Ed to tell the lawyer that he'll pay the ten grand. Ed asks Jackass why he's so afraid to go to court; he wants to know what's going on. Jackass won't divulge the all-important info, and tells Ed that he will have the check for him tomorrow. This has to be something big...big, I'm telling you! I bet that he's either a Russian spy, trying to steal Stuckeyville's secrets on how it became such an offbeat burg, or that he's Cameron Crowe in heavy makeup and costume and has infiltrated Stuckeyville to write a movie about the town. I'm usually right with my predictions, so I'd suggest you pick one or the other now and jump on the Uncle Bob bandwagon right now.
The day, we're back at the Farmer's Market, where Mike's helping Nancy carry her cookies to her booth. They discover that somebody has ruined her beautiful sign. Nancy gets all Rambo and wants to kick some Cookie-Mom ass while Mike wants to know what type of person would do such a thing. Nancy explains that the Cookie Moms are creepy backstabbers who are jealous of her and her cookies. Nancy asks Mike what she can do, short of grabbing an Uzi and shooting some Cookie Moms executioner-style. Mike suggests making them a cookie they can't refuse. That's about as funny as Grandma falling down the steps. Okay...it's not nearly that funny.
Ed and Chet are walking into Chet's office, where Chet is babbling new-age-style about throwing rocks at eggs or some shit like that. I get the feeling that the writers thought all of this might be funny, but it's not. It's painfully lame. Ed says he's there to negotiate and Chet says great...then asks for a moment. He gets up, goes behind one of those partitions the Japanese are so fond of, and comes back out with his shirt off. Ed starts to freak out as Chet explains that taking one's shirt off during negotiations is a gesture of openness. It's also a desperate opportunity to mine laughs out of Elliott's flabby, pale belly. Chet suggests they begin the negotiations, and then grows quiet. Ed finally speaks, and Chet interupts, calling Ed a loser. He says that he who speaks first in negotiations loses. His entire dialogue has sounded like bad fortune-cookie fortunes. Ed says it's more than Chet deserves, but Ed's willing to pay $1,500. Chet rejects the offer. Ed offers five grand, and gets up to leave. Chet smells fear, and Ed swears he's not scared of Chet. Chet rejects the $5000 offer. Ed says he's walking out the door with the $5000 offer. It takes Ed a while to get out the door as he plays the "I'm leaving! I'm closing the door! Once I walk out, I'm not coming back!" card. Chet sits there and meditates. Ed closes the door, then reopens it saying that Chet wins, and Ed will get him a check for ten grand the day. Chet says that the offer's rejected and that there's a new offer: $15,000 dollars. Ed about goes ballistic and says that Chet will see him in court. Chet smiles. I've never hated Chris Elliott and I still don't. I just hate the writers of this show with a passion I usually reserve for Céline Dion duets.
At the alley Phil, Kenny and Shirley are sitting at the snack bar when Ed walks in. Ed says he's had a bad day and he wants them to give him some good news. He asks how the parade's coming along. Phil, with a big smile on his face, says it's going fantastic. Ed asks how many businesses are participating, and Phil gleefully responds, "Not a one!" Ed wants to know what the problem is, and Kenny raises his hand to say it's embarrassing, but nature's calling and he has to use the can. Ed excuses Kenny and asks again what's wrong. Phil says that the economy is bad and that people don't want a parade because it's depressing and plus Michael Jackson is failing miserably in his big comeback bid. Ed says that if the world's so depressing, shouldn't that be a reason to have a parade? Shirley tells Ed that rhetorical questions make her nervous. Ed tells Phil to get out there to every merchant in town and tell them there's a meeting at Stuckey Bowl that evening; if they come, there's free bowling for everyone. I get the feeling that if Ed had offered Chet free bowling, that'd be one less plotline we'd have to keep up with right now. Kenny comes back and tells Ed that he thinks he can wait on using the bathroom. Ed's glad to hear it. I'm not as lucky, as I run to the bathroom wanting to vomit over the sheer assness of tonight's episode.
Carol and Molly are walking through school when Molly tells Carol that she saw Jackass share a smile with Carol. Carol has no idea what she's talking about, but does have a twinkle in her eye whenever the subject of Jackass comes up. Molly asks if something's going on with the two of them, and Carol refuses to go on record about any of it. Carol excuses herself to go talk to the principal, and Molly chirps, "Things are getting interesting in Stuckeyville!" Which has got to be the biggest lie ever told.
Carol goes to see Jackass in his office; he tells her she won't have to serve as a witness at his trial because he's settling out of court. She asks why, and he says it's a personal matter; it's complicated. She wants to know how it's complicated. He says it just is, and tells her not to be offended, but you can tell what he really wants to do is toss her out of his office and slam the door in her face. Ed shows up, and it's a pretty uncomfortable situation. Carol leaves, and Ed comes into the office. Ed informs Jackass that Chet won't settle, and that now he wants $15,000 because he knows Jackass doesn't want to go to court. Jackass makes the clairvoyant observation that he's being blackmailed. Ed tells Jackass to let him in on the big secret why Jackass can't go to court so that Ed can help; you can tell he just really wants Jackass to confess some horrifying sin so that Ed can run to Carol, tell her what a minion of Satan Jackass is, and have Carol jump into his arms so he can ride her off into the Stuckeyville sunset. Jackass thinks about it for a second and says, "What the hell...it's all going to come out anyway." He then gets ready to tell Ed everything as we go to commercials. I conveniently fast-forward through them in order to find out what this deep, dark secret is.
Shit. Mike comes home and finds cookies everywhere in his kitchen. It looks like Otis Spunkmeyer picked up the mortgage. Nancy has made twenty-five dozen cookies -- and that's just for tomorrow. She tells him to wait until Thanksgiving: she's going to blow those Cookie Bitches away. They'll rue the day they tangled with her. Mike reminds her that she started this as a fun little hobby, and it's already escalated out of control. She tells Mike that these Cookie Bitches have awakened a sleeping giant. And if that sleeping giant had to have a name, she'd name it Andre. And if Andre was just waking up and wanted something to eat, by God, he'd eat her damned cookies. And then he'd crush the other Cookie Bitches with his feet until cookies came popping out of their eyes.
At the bowling alley, all the local merchants have gathered to hear Ed's reasoning for wanting a Thanksgiving parade. Ed launches into a boring story about the pilgrims and how they chose to survive in the new world and celebrated their survival with a huge feast. So on Thanksgiving, they threw a mama of a party. Ed points out that they are all the backbone of Stuckeyville; they are the people who sell hopes and dreams. They have all chosen to be happy, and now it's time to spread the wealth. One man raises his hand after this painfully long monologue (which has been condensed quite a bit for this recap), and says, "If we say that we'll participate in the parade, can we go ahead and start bowling?" Ed smiles and says the lanes are theirs. I sit in my recliner, scratching my head and trying to determine when the hell this show went swirling down the toilet.
Carol runs into Mike and Nancy at the Farmer's Market. They're arriving just in time to see Nancy's booth being hauled away by a garbage truck. Nancy's furious as Jackass walks up and tells Carol he needs to take a walk with her. They walk, and she apologizes for the other day; she says that they work together, and thus should keep their distance. Jackass tells Carol that he may have to leave town soon, because there are things about him that she doesn't know, and some facts about him are about to come out. Carol says she didn't mean that much distance. She's dying to know, I'm dying to know, and everyone in America who fell in love with Ed are dying to know: why is this guy such a jackass?!
He's a drunk.
Excuse me? This is the best the writers can give us? That Jackass is really a drunk-ass? Heaven help me. I've got to email Wing Chun and ask her about recapping Iron Chef or Bear In The Big Blue House. Anything but this rancid leper piss. ["Hey. If Heathen could sit through five whole episodes of Wolf Lake, you can tough it out with Ed, worm!" -- Wing Chun]
Drunk-Ass has been sober now for two and a half years. His last school knew he was a drunk-ass and gave him lots of chances to redeem himself. But one day, he was driving to school hammered out of his mind, and saw a student who had missed the bus. He picked the student up and asked him for some oral sex. The student refused, and Drunk-Ass crashed the car, breaking the young boy's collarbone. At that point, the school board thought it might be a good idea if Drunk-Ass took a leave of absence...permanently. Drunk-Ass is afraid that if they go to court, his painful past will come out to haunt him, rattling some chains and leaving cryptic messages in blood on his bathroom mirror. Carol insists that people will understand, and that heavy drinking is practically encouraged in a boring little town like Stuckeyville. Drunk-Ass says it's sad, because he was just beginning to hate Miss Vessey. This is said in jest, because he means "like" but says "hate" because apparently drunks do that a lot -- get their language skills all out of whack. Carol kisses him, licks her lips, and says, "Hmmmm...vodka tonic?" She then asks when he's ever going to just call her "Carol" rather than "Miss Vessey." He tells her that she has to earn that. She offers to buy him a flask of whiskey, and he lovingly calls her Carol with a gleam in his eye.
Mike is hosing down Nancy's booth, which has been retrieved from the garbage truck, as the Cookie Whores walk up. One of them says that it's a shame; it looks like the sanitation department must have got its signals crossed. Another says that accidents happen. They walk away as Nancy concocts a plan to divert their attention and replace their cookies with dog biscuits. Mike informs Nancy that it's time to walk away. It was supposed to be a hobby, and now she's ranting about Liver Snaps. She wants to know if he just expects her to sit around the house and do nothing. He tells her that she'll find something. She debates on what to do with all these cookies, and then you can tell an idea hits her. Oh boy...this is going to be great! I bet she shoves those cookies up the Cookie Whores' asses with a red hot poker!
At the courthouse, Ed asks Drunk-Ass whether he's ready to go in the courtroom. Drunk-Ass says that he's had a change of heart, and hands Ed a check for $15,000. Ed says it's extortion money and shouldn't be paid. Drunk-Ass says that he likes it in Stuckeyville; the wine's cheap and the women flow like cattle. He laughs and tells Ed that this means he won't be taking Ed to lunch anytime soon, after having to write a check for $15,000, and Ed says that's okay, he likes to eat his lunch...not drink it in a dimly lit tavern. Since they're not going into court, he asks Drunk-Ass to do him a favor. Ed needs Drunk-Ass to walk into the courtroom and retrieve a blue folder with Ed's name on it from the stenographer. Ed would do it himself, but the stenographer has a crush on him and Ed doesn't want to have to see her. Drunk-Ass says that's fine; he can probably even do that without tripping over his feet. Ed tells Drunk-Ass to wait until Ed gives Drunk-Ass the signal to do it. Chet and his client show up as Ed hops up to go meet them. Chet has brought a binding settlement; he says that if Ed signs it, this all goes away. Ed says that his client is willing to pay; then Ed signals for Drunk-Ass to go into the courtroom to pick up the folder, and Drunk-Ass does so. This kind of takes Chet aback, as Ed tells him that Drunk-Ass is ready to countersue, in the amount of $8000, for extortion. Ed says that he hopes Chet has lined up some good medical experts. Chet panics after seeing Drunk-Ass waltz into the courtroom, and his client quickly tells Chet to forget the whole thing; he no longer wants any money. The client hurriedly walks away as Chet sneers at Ed and says that they will meet again. Ed says he hopes so. I pray that they find a new gimmick for Chris if he does come back, because this one was about the worst characters I've ever seen on any television show short of Alice on The Brady Bunch. Chet walks away as Drunk-Ass walks out of the courtroom to let Ed know that not only is there no blue folder in there, but the stenographer is a 250-lb. Mexican. Ed smiles that he knows, and that Drunk-Ass is buying him lunch.
The Stuckeyville Thanksgiving Parade is in full swing when Drunk-Ass finds Carol in the crowd to tell her that he's staying in town. Carol says that's nice, and that maybe they can celebrate with a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 later. Drunk-Ass says that Ed saved his arse, and Carol agrees that Ed's good at doing that. Nancy's driving a car full of cookies, and telling everyone over a loudspeaker to come get all the cookies they can, for free; they're the best darned cookies in Stuckeyville, and why pay for them when you can get them for free? The scene quickly goes to the Cookie Sluts at the Farmer's Market, who can't understand where everyone's at, since this is usually the biggest day of the year for their cookie sales. Back at the parade, Mike and Ed are walking down the street dressed as pilgrims. Mike feels ridiculous, and Ed says that sometimes you have to make your own fun. He's glad that Stuckeyville is like the pilgrims, in that they choose to be happy. He then spots Carol and Drunk-Ass; Carol's pounding on Drunk-Ass 's chest as he lies unconscious in the gutter after a particularly potent batch of moonshine. Actually, they're standing there looking happy and sober, but c'mon...wouldn't the principal lying face-down in the gutter be funnier?! Ed stares at them for a second as Mike tells Ed to choose to be happy. Mike asks Ed whether that's what he chooses, and Ed smiles and says yes...he'll choose to be happy. He announces that he and Mike are headed to the New World as the strains of "God Bless America" pour out of my TV's speakers, and the screen fades to black.
All right. Don't get me wrong. I love Ed. Yes, I'm one of the few recappers on MBTV who actually likes the show he's asked to recap. It's a cute show without being too cute. It's quirky, the acting is great, the writing is superb, and the chicks are hot.
So...is it just me or has Ed developed a suck factor? For about three or four episodes now, the shows have steadily gotten more and more boring, with usually one subplot saving the day and making me a happy camper. Yet this week, even that one subplot is missing. It's now become a game of "How Can We Keep Ed and Carol Apart And Still Keep The Show Interesting?" for the writers.
The envelope please. Ladies and gentlemen, the answer is...YOU CAN'T.
For God's sake, writers, go out on a limb and let Ed and Carol be together! Let them be a couple! Yes, it's an unwritten law that the two major characters of a show aren't supposed to get together, because it spells impending doom for the show. But that was in the '80s and '90s. This is almost 2002. The two of them can get into a whole host of couple difficulties -- meeting the parents, wacky picnics, chronic impotence, the list goes on and on. I urge the writers of the show -- or at least a certain casting director who I know reads these recaps and keeps in contact with the producers -- be pioneers and let Ed and Carol get together. The fans of the show will not turn our backs on Ed, and will, in fact, embrace it with glee. The days of the two of them chasing each other need to end. That plotline is boring now. Take a gamble and be the first show to buck the trend of the "main characters becoming a couple" jinx.