The New World

I am so not looking forward to this recap. Each week, it's getting harder and harder for me to recap this show, because the positive elements are dwindling faster than Bob Dole's erections. The show that once packed more laughs per minute than your average Special Olympics telecast is now about as funny as a Meryl Streep movie.

Let's give it a shot anyway.

Previously on Ed, a new principal started at Stuckeyville High. This principal pissed Carol Vessey off every time they crossed paths. He had the generous nickname "Principal Jackass" bestowed upon him, and worked hard to live up to it on every episode. Carol got tired of trying to reason with the guy, so she frenched him in front of her house, hoping that would "snap him out" of his general pissiness. This week, we get to see if it worked. Yawn.

The show begins with Mike and Ed rummaging through the Stuckeyville Farmer's Market, which is apparently a pretty big deal, but has never been mentioned before this episode. They're talking about Thanksgiving and why the pilgrims should have been thankful. Naturally, one of the reasons is that they didn't have to sit through this painfully unfunny episode of Ed. Ed and Mike see a sign announcing that the annual Stuckeyville Thanksgiving Parade has been cancelled. This pisses off Ed, who demands to know why there won't be gaudy floats and idiots dressed like pilgrims goosestepping up and down Main Street. Mike says that nobody wanted to have a parade because "things are bad." Obviously, this is a reference to the hell that Osama bin Laden has put our country through. Either that or a reference to the latest Michael Jackson album. They're looking at pumpkins when Mike bets Ed ten clams that he won't walk up to a pair of ladies and say, "Excuse me, ladies, but I just wanted to inform you that I'm a jackass." Apparently, things may be "bad," but there's always enough cash flow for a humiliating ten-dollar bet in the Burton household. Ed doesn't think the bet's all that imaginative, so he decides to take him up on it. Ed walks over to the ladies and says, "Excuse me, ladies..." One of the ladies says, "What do you want, jackass?" Mike enters the scene about to bust a gut, and pays the ladies as well as Ed, finding the whole thing uproariously funny. I check my watch...fifty-seven minutes left.

Opening credits. I go to check on my dog, who sounds like she accidently impaled herself on a set of butcher's knives. She's safe and sound. It's that damned theme song again.

I taped the episode tonight, so there won't be any comments on commercials this week because I fast-forwarded through them. If you have any complaints, please see the gentleman at the door, and he will refund your money, call your mother a whore, and see to it that you're never allowed in here again. There. I guess I told you. Nanny nanny boo boo.

Carol's walking into the Stuckeyville Pie Shop, home of the greatest freakin' pies in America. She sees Principal Jackass and makes to haul ass, but they run into each other anyway. The obligatory small talk follows, including Carol referring to a late lunch/early dinner as "Dunch," which is a lot like "Brunch," except it's eaten at a different part of the day, and there's no Eggs Benedict involved. Carol wants to talk about "the other night," when she violated Jackass's personal space with her waggling tongue. Jackass playfully says he doesn't remember it, and then says, "Oh! You mean the kiss." Carol says yes, she means the kiss. He says they can talk about it. She says okay. He says, "You first." She tells him to go first. He says since that she brought it up, she should talk about it first. She doesn't want to go first, and then decides that maybe they shouldn't talk about it. I check my TV listings to make sure I haven't accidently tuned into a particularly terrifying rerun of Degrassi Junior High. Nope. This is Ed, all right. Just an episode of Ed where the characters are acting like complete and utter retards. Jackass tells Carol that when she wants to talk about it, she knows where his office is. She assures him that she knows, and has fantasized many nights about taking him into that same office, making him wear a leather diaper, a leather police hat, and a choker chain, and whipping him while he's on all fours on his desk. Jackass smiles, gets in his car, and backs up into traffic, where some guy smacks into the back of his car. It's nothing serious...certainly not the fiery auto crash in which we've all been hoping the Jackass would perish. Jackass shrugs and gives Carol a look like, "What can ya do?" I'm guessing this is supposed to be comedy.

Nancy's in the kitchen baking some cookies. Mike walks in, picks up a cookie, and goes to take a bite. Nancy warns him that they're hot, and Mike says he has the pain threshold of a camel. Personally, I have the pain threshold of a ferret on mescaline, so I kinda know where he's coming from. Mike says the cookie's delicious. Ed walks into the kitchen, because apparently Mike's and Nancy's house has no doorbells. Ed kisses the Evil Baby Sara and reminds her that he's her real father. Ahhhh...so Ed is finally admitting that he's really Satan, the Lord of the hoary netherworld. Well it's about damned time. Mike says that he always thought Sara's real father was the cable guy, insinuating that his wife is the town slut who will blow cable guys for free HBO. I debate moving to Stuckeyville and going into the cable installation trade until I realize Stuckeyville's a fake city. Suddenly, my fantasy world comes crashing down around me, but since it's a fantasy world, there's not much rubble involved. Nancy offers Ed a cookie; he takes it and says it's a great cookie. She asks whether he'd pay for a dozen of these cookies. He says he's not that hungry right now, and reminds her that if she needs a few bucks, she could always have sex with a certain MBTV recapper. Nancy says that she hung up her whore shoes years ago after the cable-guy incident and explains that she's thinking about going down to the Farmer's Market and setting up a booth to sell her cookies. Ed says that he's seen this premise on sitcoms before. Nancy will go down to the Farmer's Market, sell her cookies, it'll turn into a huge success, she'll start making more money than Mike, Mike will become resentful, Nancy will send nude photos of herself over the internet to a certain MBTV recapper, and their landlord will overhear parts of their predicament and determine that Mike's gay. Nancy admits that Mike's already gay. Mike says he always thought the cable guy was gay. I seem to be enjoying my fantasy episode of Ed more than the real thing, so I close my eyes and let my imagination take over for a few minutes, while the pause button on my remote control is utilized. Five minutes and three soiled Kleenex later, I go back to the actual show.

In the bowling alley, with the whole staff present, Phil is reminding Ed of Thanksgiving 2000, when Ed went crazier than Mariah Carey and made the world's largest meatloaf for Thanksgiving. Ed reminds Phil of his ignorant idea for fine Corinthian turkeys. Ed brings up the fact that the Stuckeyville Thanksgiving Parade has been cancelled. Phil says that's okay because he's not a parade guy. Kenny pipes up and says, "You're a guy?!" Phil's offended while everyone snickers at Kenny's slam. The Jackass walks in and wants to see Ed alone in his office. Ed agrees to see him but reminds him that he's not into the hanky panky like a certain Carol Vessey. As they walk into the office, Phil -- still stewing over Kenny's slam -- stares at Kenny and menacingly says, "Seriously...I'll kick your ass." Kenny just looks at him and lets out a loud laugh.

In Ed's office, Jackass is telling Ed all about the wreck. There was no damage done to either car, yet he got a letter from the guy's lawyer, who's suing Jackass for ten grand. Jackass insists that his car was barely moving. Jackass admits that he's between insurance policies right now and, as a high-school principal, he doesn't make an assload of money like Ed does. Ed says that's fine, takes off his diamond-encrusted Rolex, and tells Jackass he's going to have to answer some questions. Questions such as...ohhh...."Where did it happen?" Jackass says it was at the Pie Shop. "Were there any witnesses?" Yes...Carol Vessey. Ed's heart drops as he hears the name Carol Vessey come tumbling out of Jackass's lips. Ed tries to rebound and play it cool, but he's about as cool as Tim Conway at a Slayer concert. He babbles on and on that Carol's great, she's excellent, she'd make a great witness, she's good, she's good, she's good, she's good. It's like the time Rosie the Robot blew a fuse on The Jetsons and went a bit haywire. Except Ed's a bowling-alley lawyer and not a robotic maid. Still, after this, I wouldn't be a bit shocked if we found out Ed was really a cyborg. Ed assures Jackass that he will talk to this lawyer fella; Jackass thanks him, and leaves.

Mike walks in as Jackass is leaving; he asks Ed what Jackass was doing here. Ed says that he was at the office to let Ed know that he hangs out with Carol Vessey after school. Ed's silent for a few moments and then blurts, "We need a parade!" He jumps up from his desk as Mike tries to explain that the Michael Jackson album is tumbling down the charts and the economy can't possibly support a parade if it can't even support a new album from the King of Pop. Ed says, "That's where you're wrong, Mr. Giant Forehead," and calls Phil to his office. Phil's there in a heartbeat, marking the first time he's ever shown any sign of actually being an employee worth retaining. Ed tells Phil to round up Kenny and Shirley, and instruct them to go sign businesses up for the best darned parade that Stuckeyville has ever seen. Phil agrees to do so. I cover my face with my hands and moan. If there's one thing that will ruin this episode, it's a freakin' parade. Well...that and a shot of Kenny taking a dump on the beach. That'd pretty much do it for me.

At the Farmer's Market, Nancy's asking Mike if what she's doing is crazy. Mike asks if she means the concept of giving out free oral sex with each dozen cookies sold. She punches Mike in the arm and says, "No silly...selling cookies." Oh yeah, Nance. Selling cookies is positively insane. Nobody should be allowed to sell cookies except for mental patients, the brain damaged, and Buffy fans. Nancy's flirting with the idea of calling her cookies "Fancy Nancy Cookies," and going national. I think I'd rather she called them "Nasty Nancy's Cookies." I'd eat Nasty Nancy's cookies. Boy, would I ever. Mike leaves and a group of soccer moms approach Nancy's booth. They're the Cookie Moms, and have all had the same idea Nancy's had -- to sell their cookies at the Farmer's Market and eventually go national with the idea. They've come to greet the new Cookie Mom. Nancy is excited and asks them all to try a cookie and let her know how good they are. They all love her cookies; one Mom says, "This son of a bitch is a home run." I like this Cookie Mom best. Nancy's excited about their enthusiasm and has decided to call her cookies "Nancy's Tasty Homemade Cookies." I'll bet you ten bucks Nancy's never taken a single Marketing class in her life.

Ed enters the law office of Chet Bellafore, played by Chris Elliott. Normally, I'm a huge fan of Chris Elliott and will defend his unique brand of comedic genius to my last dying breath. But he sucked whale balls in this episode. Chet is a lawyer who subscribes to a Zen-like philosophy with little explanation as to why. He has the peaceful waterfall and the New Age music playing in his office, which is decorated like a Japanese whorehouse. He asks Ed what can they do for each other; Ed wants him to drop this ridiculous lawsuit suing his client for ten grand over a minor fender-bender. Chet admires Ed's directness, and then launches into some psychobabble about how trees stand in the forest unless they're crooked, as if that's going to make sense in this situation. Ed tells him he's not getting ten grand for this accident. Chet starts rambling that according to the Art of War, you surround your enemies on three sides, always leaving them a side to retreat from. Ed offers him $250 for repairs and Chet starts talking about the New Age music. Chet rejects Ed's offer, and Ed says it was his final offer. Chet says it wasn't even an offer. Ed leaves with the intention of seeing Chet in court. My God...you mean we have to experience this character again?! Granny, get my shotgun. Tonight the television dies!

Phil, Kenny, and Shirley enter the local hardware store and track down Mr. Shaker, the owner of the store. Phil does all the talking and passes himself off as a representative of Stubbs, Sandusky, and...as it turns out, he doesn't know Shirley's last name. Shirley squeaks out "Fifko," and Phil finishes the line, in what was probably the funniest moment of the show this week. Phil informs Shaker that they are a parade planning company, having planned parades around the world, including the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Their company has done some research and discovered that Stuckeyville is an excellent town for a parade. Shaker says he doesn't want to participate in a parade because the economy stinks ever since the whores left town, and that Stubbs, Sandusky, and Fifko will have a tough time doing a parade in Stuckeyville. It's a sad day in Stuckeyville when a scene with all three of the bowling-alley staff can't generate an honest chuckle. Suddenly, the idea of watching Ed with the sound off while Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon plays on my stereo doesn't sound as bad as it originally did.

Ed's in his office when Carol floats in. Ed's called her there to ask her some questions about Jackass's wreck. Carol agrees to answer them. Ed asks whether she witnessed the wreck, and she says she did. He asks her to tell him what happened, so she tells her side of the story -- basically the same side the Jackass already told Ed. Ed asks whether there was any alcohol involved; Carol says that they just ran into each other at the Pie Shop, and then Jackass got into his car and wrecked. No alcohol. He just tapped the other car; it was nothing serious. Carol notices that Ed's reading a book about pilgrims, and he says that their lives sucked and really got tough once they reached the new world. I haven't been a witness to this much mindless chit-chat since last Christmas, when my in-laws came over for dinner and wanted to discuss the advantages of scotch tape over glue.

At the Farmer's Market, Nancy's obviously doing well with her cookies. The Cookie Moms come up to the booth, and she tells them that she's completely sold out of cookies. She says it was a ton of fun, and she can't wait to get home to bake some more cookies. She wants to know how many she should bring...she's thinking twelve or fifteen dozen. The head Cookie Mom says she doesn't know how to say this, so she tells Nancy not to bring more than six dozen cookies. The Cookie Moms have a pact that they never bring more than six dozen so that the others get a chance. Today, Nancy brought seven dozen cookies. Nancy apologizes and says that she'll only bring six dozen cookies the day. The "son of a bitch" lady says "You're a good kid," like a suburban female version of a Soprano.