Has anybody out there ever had hemorrhoids?
I'm just asking because how does one actually know that one has hemorrhoids that first time? It's kinda like a heart attack. Are you actually having a heart attack, or should you have just maybe passed on that third bowl of chili? Which is it?
It's probably imperative that you receive a second opinion, like maybe a doctor's, when you think you have hemorrhoids. Unless you're some kind of bizarre gymnast, most people can't check that area out for themselves. And it's doubtful you have many friends who'd be willing to take a gander at the old poop chute up close. So you have to go see a doctor to make sure, but then...what if it's not hemorrhoids? I mean, I don't want to have to go to the doctor, have him look at my ass, and go, "It's not hemorrhoids. It's an infected ass wart," and then have him step outside the room and burst out laughing in the hallway while I'm lying face down on an examining table with my boxers around my ankles and my face three shades of red.
Anyway, just wondering. And no, I don't think I have hemorrhoids. I'm asking...ummmm...for a friend.
Soooo, speaking of hemorrhoids, here's this week's recap of Ed!
We kick things off in, of all places, Stuckey Bowl. Carol has walked in, tracked down Ed like a drug-sniffing canine and is venting her anger over Principal Jackass cancelling the annual teacher's meeting, where the teachers sit and whine and bitch about how much they hate their jobs and need more money to buy erasers and whatever the hell it is that teachers need. Jackass has cancelled the meeting because he "wasn't in the mood." Which isn't really surprising since it would mean actual interaction with other human beings, which is something Captain Aloof couldn't possibly fathom. Anyway, Carol's mad because Jackass has the school turned upside down with his hands-off approach to administration. Yet she's also intrigued, because the man has an air of mystery about him. Still, she thinks he's a slacker and that he just doesn't care about anything or anybody. She uses the word "mystery" about thirteen times in one sentence to point out that the guy is a "mystery." Ed, visibly bored with the subject of Carol's latest male obsession, mentions that he's looking for a ball named "Bruce." Carol asks why, and Ed says (in a very sarcastic tone) that it's a mystery because Ed is a "mysterious man." Ed finally finds the ball just as a man walks up. "Here you go, Bruce," he says, as he hands the ball over to the man.
Credits begin and...hey! Wait just a damned minute! That was it?! That was our opening scene? Oh holy hell, this is going to be one lame-assed episode of Ed if that's the best we could come up with for an opening scene. I sigh and try to enjoy this new theme song. That lasts all of 0.2 seconds as I begin pouring hot candle wax into my ear canals to kill the pain that the theme song is causing. I pray to God to please take my hearing away from me so that I will never have to listen to this theme song again. God doesn't grant my wishes. Ohhh...you're a spiteful one, ain't ya, Lord?
Some commercials roll by. Apparently there's this movie coming out this weekend with a kid named Larry Porter in it and he's like a possessed child with really ugly glasses and a fake British accent. I think he solves mysteries or something. I doubt I'll see it because it looks like it has too many owls in it for my tastes. That's how I judge movies these days: by the number of owls in its previews. If it has more than zero owls in the previews, I strike it off my "must-see" list.
Ed pulls up in the parking lot of Stuckey Bowl and sees a young man waiting for him. Wait a second. That's no young man, that's TV legend Doogie Howser! Doogie has shaved his head, though, which makes him look like an escaped mental patient from Arkansas. He introduces himself to Ed as Joe Baxter, but I've decided for recapping purposes to just refer to him as Doogie, because "Doogie" is more fun to type than "Joe Baxter," plus...it's Doogie, people! Doogie wants a moment of Ed's time. Ed decides to be generous and give him several moments. They walk into the Alley and into Ed's office, Doogie babbling the whole time about how great Ed is. He wants to know how Ed came up with the concept of a bowling-alley lawyer, and Ed gives the same damned answer that he's been giving for twenty-seven episodes now: he was a lawyer, he bought the bowling alley, blah blah blah. Christ, Doogie...read the recaps, dude. Doogie has seen Ed in court and admired him from afar and now wants to come work for Ed. Ed's flattered. Doogie says that he's been working for a big firm for the last three years, but is tired of being a cog in the machine and wants to go the Ed route. He assures Ed that he can bring in business, and that he has tons of energy, which is obvious because he's bouncing off the walls like the Tasmanian Devil after several cappuccinos. Doogie offers Ed a peek at his résumé. Ed explains that he's content working alone and doesn't need no stinking bald-headed washed-up former teen doctor sucking his payroll dry. Doogie thanks him for his time, and leaves the Alley just as cheerful as he was when he arrived. Ed finds the kid a bit odd, which is strange because Ed works with a helluva lot odder characters than Doogie. Take Shirley, for instance. That woman's goofier than a one-eyed hoot owl, but you don't see Ed ushering her out the door based on her mental incompetence, do you?
The teachers are having an unofficial meeting in the teacher's lounge at the high school. All of them agree that Principal Jackass is out of control. Why, just the other day, he was watching a hockey game in his office and wouldn't even pay attention to one of the teachers who had gone in there to complain about how bad his life sucked. Carol announces a plan to get rid of the Ass once and for all. It's review time for the principal, and the teachers are required to write an evaluation letter and submit it to The Guy Who's Boss Of All The Principals In The School System. With everyone's approval, Carol would like to be the one who swings the poison pen around on the frilly stationery and cause the Ass to lose his job, since he's had it in for her since Day One. Everyone agrees that Carol should write it. Carol squeals like a pig who just slammed her pig fingers in the pig car door.
Back at the Alley, Doogie is back in the house, grilling the employees of Stuckey Bowl in a kind-hearted and fun-filled manner. He's asking Phil about his job there. Phil demands not to be pigeonholed ("It's a fool's game, Doogie") as only doing one or two chores around the Alley. He's Ed's right-hand man. Ed enters the scene, and Kenny calls him "Chief" which tickles Doogie to no end. Kenny looks like he wants to wrap his big meaty hooks around Doogie's neck and throttle him. Ed asks Doogie what's going on, and Doogster says that if Ed can't hire him, is it okay if he just hangs out for a while? All he's ever known is corporate law, and he wants to know if he could maybe observe Ed and get a few pointers on this whole bowling-alley lawyer scam. Ed agrees to let Doogle Search come back at 3:00 when Ed will be meeting with a client. Dooger leaves all excited and shit and Phil points out in a smarmy tone that Bossco has a groupie. Kenny snickers and adds that it's a "fella groupie." They both share a chuckle over that fact while Ed wonders silently whether this means he's going to have to ask Doogie to shove bologna up his butt like Motley Crue would ask of their groupies.
At school, Warren is sitting in a stairwell, frantically trying to do some last-minute math problems before class starts. Diane walks up and tries to give him all the answers he needs to complete the math problems, but Warren looks as lost as the Pope in a whorehouse, so she snatches the paper from him and starts scrawling. She then asks how much Warren weighs. He tells her he's currently about 152 lbs., and asks why she's so hellbent on knowing his weight. Diane says she told him she'd be his pimp and help him nail Jessica Martel and that he can't possibly see the inside of Jessica's panties until he plays a sport, preferably wrestling. Warren scoffs at that suggestion and points out that he's as weak as an infant. Diane says that the wrestling team needs him and that they're desperate for someone in his weight class. She's going to sign him up; he thanks her. She hands him back his homework and he sees that she has scrawled a drawing of Warren with the words "Now I'm really screwed" written on it. He tries to erase it but remarks "pen, pen, pen" and that this isn't going to erase. Say what you want about this Diane character, but she's the real mystery of the program right now. Why does she want to help Warren? What's in it for her? Why is she so vicious? And what's up with that rat's nest of a hairdo? One word, Skankasaurus: "Conditioner."
Molly and Ed are cruising down the street, as Ed complains about Carol and her constant description of Principal Jackass as a "mystery." A principal is not a mystery; The Hound of the Baskervilles, now that was a mystery. Ed asks Molly what a Baskerville is, and she says she's not exactly sure. Carol hooks up with them to complete their semi-weekly "Meeting On The Street," and immediately starts talking about what a mystery Jackass is. Molly sniggles and Ed almost loses it. Ed wants to know whether Jackass was possibly a pirate or a bootlegger, because Carol's convinced he's such a mystery. Ed wants to do a background check on Señor Jackass to soothe Carol's frayed nerves, and suggests they conduct the check on the internet, where you can find out anything about anyone. For instance, did you guys know that Uncle Bob likes covering himself in whipped cream and then slithering into ladies' lingerie? No? Well, if you bothered to read sites other than Mighty Big TV, maybe that wouldn't be such a shock, now, would it? Carol wants to know whether lurking about the net and finding stuff out about people is against the law, and Ed says that if it were, we'd all be in prison! Ba ha ha ha ha haa! He didn't really say that; that was just one of the witty asides that I enjoy putting in my recaps in order to confuse the more dimwitted readers out there! Isn't that a scream? Actually, Ed sets up a date with Carol after school, when they'll find out over the internet every single crime this scoundrel has ever been party to. Molly asks Carol what a Baskerville is and she says she thinks it's some type of hat. That's the kind of line that the writers think can pass as humor this week.
Shirley busts all up in Ed's office and tells Ed and Doogie that Mr. Hector is here to see Ed. Ed tells Shirley to send him in, whereupon Shirley asks Ed in front of the Doogmeister why Ed never calls her "Shirl." Shirley points out that Laverne always called Shirley "Shirl," so why doesn't Ed call her "Shirl"? Ed is at a loss for words, but still manages to blurt, "Send him in, Shirl." Shirley gets a teeny weeny look of happiness on her face, and then ushers the guy in. Doogie loves the interaction between Ed and Shirley, calling Shirley "quirky as all get-out." It's been a while since I read the dictionary, but when did they change the meaning of "quirky" to "borderline psychotic"? Mr. Hector is shown into the office, and greetings are exchanged. Hector says that his neighbor has a big tree in his yard. A bunch of leaves from that tree have fallen into Hector's yard; he cleaned them up and now he wants $112 to pay for it. Ed rests a baseball bat on his shoulder as he listens intently. Doogie takes notes. This should come into play later. Could be a red herring, but I don't think so; baseball bats on shoulders -- that's some pretty serious stuff. Doogie blurts that this is home-spun justice at its finest. He apologizes immediately for being so damned chipper and cheerful. Ed tells Hector that he's got himself a lawyer, and Doogie turns to Hector and says, "Isn't he great?" As God as my witness, if they don't hurry up and give me a scene with Warren, I'm going to kick in my television set.
Ahhhhh...Warren and MegaMark. My television emits a sigh of relief. Warren's bragging to the Mega Man that he's going out for the wrestling team. MegaMark snorts and says that Warren couldn't wrestle Olympia Dukakis. What the hell that's supposed to mean is beyond me. This show has had so many lines fall flat this evening, it's almost as if I wrote it or something. Warren explains to MegaMark that he's going out for wrestling so that he can make sweet sweet love to Jessica Martel, since she only goes for jocks. Warren then feels guilty that he's always talking about the women in his life, and tells MegaMark that if he ever feels the urge to discuss his lifelong losing streak with women to just yank out the Kleenex and start babbling. MegaMark says there's nothing to discuss...he lost his virginity on his seventeenth birthday. Warren does a double take worthy of Sid Caesar and is shocked that there's a woman on this earth who would risk her life to be pinned down underneath this human vault. He wants to know when the big man misplaced his cherry. MegaMark says that his dad gave him a choice for his seventeenth birthday: a new Pontiac or a filthy disgusting skank whore. And you don't see his fat ass cruising to school in a Bonneville, now, do ya? MegaMark wants to go into detail, but this would probably bring his pathetic pecker into the equation and Warren wants none of that. Warren spots the wrestling coach in the hallway. He runs over to the coach and tells him that he's looking forward to the new season. The coach is perplexed. Warren explains that he's going out for the team, which prompts the coach to say, "You're serious?" with all the subtlety of a kick in the nads. Warren introduces himself and spells his name out the way he wants it to read on the back of his leotard. MegaMark tells him it's called a "singlet," and that Warren is the "leotard" here. The coach then tells Warren that there's probably still a spot open on the badminton team, which kinda irks me because I was the captain of our badminton team in high school. And yeah, sure, maybe we only won seven games out of a possible thirty-four. But dammit, we played from our hearts, you sonofabitch! Badminton teaches not only grace and speed, but also respect for your fellow goddamned man, Coach! So anyhoo, Warren asks the coach whether he needs someone in the 152 lb. weight class. The coach says he does, and Warren says that he's the guy for the position. Warren says he'll see the coach in the gym, and walks away, leaving MegaMark and the coach standing there. MegaMark debates on asking the coach whether he needs anyone in the 825 lb. Range, but decides against it.
Ed and Carol are logging on to Ed's laptop to find out the skinny on the Jackass. Ed makes Carol turn away while he types in his password, which Carol sees anyway. "Matzo?" she says. "You're not even Jewish!" Ed acknowledges that he's not a Jew, and adds that's why it'd be an even tougher password for a hacker to crack. Ed tells her to prepare to be bored, because he doesn't think Jackass has ever amounted to anything, ever, in his whole stinking life. At first, they bring up the wrong Dennis Martino, because it's a black guy who looks more like Nipsey Russell than the principal. They finally find the correct Dennis Martino and the Jackass has so many accolades that the internet can hardly contain them all. He was a teacher of the year, he launched programs, coached soccer, nursed baby birds back to health, cured polio, created Christianity, and discovered cotto salami. Ed's insistent that the internet isn't all that dependable these days, and that this gushfest had to have been penned by a twelve-year-old because there's no way Dennis is this great. Carol's all flush and warm under the collar from finding out the Jackass has a stellar past. Somebody get this woman a Depends, and stat!
Out in the alley, Shirley is telling Ed that Mr. Hector called and won't be requiring Ed's services after all. Showing impeccable timing, Phil bops into the scene and holds up one of the flyers Doogie has been hanging up all over town, proclaiming himself as the best bowling-alley lawyer in the tri-state area. Ed gets a look on his face like he wants to take a spiked baseball bat and beat Doogie's calves with it. Either that, or he's gotta crap. The look went by so quickly that I didn't get the chance to analyze it very well.
Commercials. That Subway commercial comes on where the overly friendly guy walks up to a couple of basketball players and asks them if they want something "big" to eat. This has got to be the most homoerotic commercial on television. You know, now that the old lady from the Old Navy commercials is dead.
At yet another impromptu teacher's meeting, Carol has the floor and is announcing that she's having second thoughts about the Jackass. She says that she did some research, and there's more to Dennis than meets the eye. And although this may not excuse his rude behavior ever since he walked through the school doors, finding out that he's a good guy deep down really turns her on, and she hasn't been thoroughly duck sauced since her old flame Nick left town, so maybe she can get all cozy with the new principal and paddle his ping-pong balls if you get my drift. Naturally, she doesn't really say any of this, but man, those eyes tell the story of the sexually frustrated teacher and her throbbing wanton desires. Or maybe she's cock-eyed. I can't really tell the difference. Basically, she wants to give the guy another chance until he gets out of his funk and goes back to being the guy she found on the internet. Howard wants to go on record as saying that he has his doubts about this, and Carol makes a note of Howard's doubts. Carol wants that principal in the worst way. It's way too obvious. She wants to cover him in honey, make him put on some leather chaps, and ride him around the back yard like a bucking bronco. And then probably even have sex with him or something.
In the gym, the coach is gathering up his wrestling team when Warren walks in wearing a WWF Dudleyville t-shirt and hollering, "Let's get it on! Woooo!". He takes a seat to another kid and, to break the ice, asks the kid what his wrestling persona is going to be. The kid's confused. Warren says that he's going to be an English gentleman and come out in a top hat with a frilly shirt and say things like, "I say, Gov'nur...would you fancy yourself a spot of tea before I KICK YOUR BLOODY ARSE?!" The other kid just stares at Warren, incredulous that there are can be that many nerd genes in a single body. Warren offers the kid some Energy Gel, which apparently boosts your adrenaline. The kid declines and tries to get the coach's attention. The coach shrugs and says Warren's 152, so there's not much they can do about it. They need his scrawny nerdy ass there to fill out the team. Maybe it's just me, but does anyone else get the feeling that Warren's going to be served up like a hot leather shoe at a homeless family's Thanksgiving?
Ed walks into a strange bowling alley, looking for Doogie. A guy that kinda sorta reminds us of Phil -- that is, if Phil were cooler than he actually is -- sits strumming on an electric guitar. Ed asks him where Doogie is, and he points toward Doogie's secretary. A woman who reeks of Shirleyness offers Ed a Toaster Strudel. Ed declines and asks to see Doogie, who's sitting in his office...with a baseball bat on his shoulder! I knew it! I mean, did I call that or what? Me and Miss Cleo, we need to pair up and take on the psychic world, baby! Doogie greets Ed and thanks him for dropping by. Ed asks what's going on, and Doogie says that since Ed didn't want to hire him, he's now started his own practice. Ed claims that Doogie poached his client. Doogie begs to differ, and says that he only soft-boiled his client. Bwa ha ha ha ha haa! I love them egg jokes! Mr. Hector is sitting there, and says that Doogie underbid Ed. Doogie's telling Ed that he was a great role model, when a Kenny impersonator walks up and hands Doogie some coffee, calling him "Chief." Ed stands there in disbelief and says, "This ain't happening." I'm afraid it is, Mr. Stevens. And if you want out of this nightmarish hell, I suggest you click those ruby red slippers together three times and say, "There's no place like home." And I seriously doubt that will get you very far except snickered at for wearing ruby red slippers in a bowling alley.
Carol walks into the Lair of the Jackass. He says that he knows she came to his defense. Carol says that she knows they've had their ups and downs (not yet, you haven't, you hot little sex kitten!). She adds that she was put in charge of the Jackass's evaluation, and she was really going to install a new rectum in the principal's body without the use of surgical implements, but decided against it after finding all this stuff on the internet that compared him to Gandhi, except with more hair and fat. "You're great," she says. "You made a difference." Jackass stares at her and then finally says, "What do you want from me?" Carol says, "Nothing." Jackass says, "Then just leave me alone." He wants to know why she felt she had the right to go digging up his past, and why he should give a damn what the teachers think of him. He's yelling at her, and she's sinking deeper and deeper in her chair. He tells her that they're not on the same team. She says that she's not going to take this anymore -- she's not going to be yelled at like a nerdy teenager, because she was the Prom Queen, the Prom Queen, dammit! And nobody yells at her like that. As she leaves, Carol tells Dennis that she doesn't understand him. He makes it easy for her to understand him by giving her a little three-word manual: leave him alone. Carol tells him to not worry...she will! Yowsa! Fireworks once again between the two! My gosh, I bet with this kinda relationship, they're never going to smooch or be lovey dovey or anything. Gee whiz, writers of Ed, you sure have fooled me with your wily plots!
At the Stuckeyville Soda Shoppe for Wayward Teens, Mark's playing pinball and telling Warren about losing his virginity. MegaMark's pop took him to Nevada to lose it in a brothel. Warren thinks that's the coolest thing imaginable, and MegaMark says that his dad is a kind and generous man. Warren sees Jessica and two of her giggly little cheerleader friends come in, and decides to go talk to them. He asks MegaMark how he looks, and MegaMark says he looks like a mongoose. And he's exactly right. If the life of Warren Cheswick ever hits the silver screen, the only logical choice to play him would be a mongoose. Warren walks up to the gals and asks one of them to scoot over. When she doesn't, but he keeps sitting down anyway, he almost busts his ass, but blames it on the chair. He casually mentions that he's now a varsity athlete and going out for the wrestling team. Jessica gets a whiff of the testosterone Warren's emitting and is somewhat smitten. She asks Warren whether he thinks he'll really make the team, and he says it's a done deal. He brings up the fact that Abe Lincoln used to wrestle. In fact, he'd settle arguments over buffalo hide by throwing down his top hat and yelling, "Ah'll rassle ya fer it!" The girls are not impressed. Diane walks in, sees Warren hanging with the cheerleaders, and about has a conniption. She mouths, "What are you doing?!" to him and he blows her off. Warren's continuing his boring story about Lincoln when a message comes over the house intercom about a phone call for Warren Cheswick. Warren looks over at the hostess stand and Diane's frantically motioning for him to get over there. Warren tells the cheerleaders that it's nothing, and continues talking. A few seconds later, another message comes over the intercom: "Warren Cheswick, your mommy is on the phone." Warren jumps up while the cheerleaders snicker and storms over to the hostess stand. Diane wants to know if Warren has lost his mind, since he clearly shouldn't be talking to Jessica yet. He says that Jessica's "all over him" and asks what is he supposed to do. Diane tells him to make eye contact, nod, and not utter a single syllable. She tells him that she's worked too hard on this experiment to watch him blow it all with his bonehead improv. The time he decides to go renegade on her, the experiment is over. Warren glumly agrees. At least Warren has the "henpecked" role down pat already, so when he finally does land a woman, he won't have to work at having her run all over him.
Ed's playing with some of those...ummmm...clacking balls in his office while Shirley knits a giant mitten, because it's hard to be depressed when you look at a giant mitten. Phil runs in and turns the television to the local news, which is reporting on Doogie being the World's First Bowling-Alley Lawyer at Ketchum Lanes. Doogie is being interviewed, and says that if he can make people happy by solving their problems, then it makes him happy. The piece paints him positively, and Ed is borderline furious. Phil asks him what he's going to do, and Ed says he doesn't know. Phil thinks he should take a large angry monkey and let it loose in Ketchum Lanes. Before that plan can be sprung into action, Carol runs in and announces that the reason the Jackass is so cold is because he was FIRED (!!) from his last job. She had been busy looking through several periodicals, and found out that he had been fired, but couldn't find anything explaining why. Carol waxes rhapsodic about her "mystery man" while Ed looks dazed. She asks what Ed's deal is, and he replies, "I'm being replaced." Uh huh. But is he talking about his work life...or his non-existant looooove life?
Commercials. Leslie Nielsen is a telemarketer now. This really struck me as being sad until I found out Charles Nelson Reilly was now an aging lower Hollywood male whore. Then I felt kinda relieved for Leslie. Key word being "kinda."
Warren is in line with the other wrestlers during their weigh-in. He's telling the guy behind him -- the one he'd told about his English gentleman persona earlier -- that he may have heard of the half nelson and the full nelson, but Warren's developing the 5/8th nelson. He assures the other wrestler, "You'll hear about it." Warren gets weighed, and he's right at 152 lbs. He tells the coach that he'll see him at the wrap party and begins walking away, yelling "Go Toreadors!" to show his school spirit. The guy on the scale -- a fairly muscular bruiser -- also weighs in at 152. He smirks and tells the coach that he "thought he'd move down into another weight class" this year. Warren can't believe this, and turns around to make sure that he heard right. Warren makes sure the guy has both feet on the scale and says the scale needs to be calibrated. The coach announces that there will be a wrestle-off between Cheswick and Pellechia to see which one makes the team at 152 lbs. Warren is yelling, "Calibration!" but everyone ignores him. I smell a rather severe ass-kicking being hand-delivered to one Mr. Warren G. Cheswick later in this shindig.
Mike and Ed are eating at the snack bar. Ed's lamenting that there used to be nobody out there like him, but now he can kiss that goodbye since he's definitely replaceable. Mike thinks Ed's being dramatic, and Ed says that he's going to start fighting back and will kick Doogie's ass in court because that little punk picked the wrong guy to mess with. Mike asks, when he says "little punk," whether he's talking about Principal Jackass or Doogie. Ed swears he means Doogie but, you know, can you really trust Ed in circumstances like this? His pride has been hurt, and his penis has been put away for the year. Warren bursts in and says that he needs to learn how to wrestle, and quickly. Ed says he can't help him, and Warren's shocked because he's Ed, dammit; Ed can do anything. He can dole out advice and even serves as a father figure to Warren, without all the messy "Come sit on Daddy's lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up" crap that Warren's real dad does. Ed says that he can't help Warren out, but Mikey over here...Mikey used to wrestle. Mike proudly sticks out his chest and says that he did, in fact, wrestle in high school and was known as "Dr. Mike the Stuckeyville Dyke." Warren wants Mike to teach him some moves, and Mike agrees. Warren thanks Ed. Mike asks why Ed gets credit for this, and Warren, fumbling for words, says, "Because he's Ed!" Which may also explain why he doesn't get laid, why his law practice is being copied, and why his toilet is constantly stopped up.
Ed's walking down the street and approaches Mr. Frawley, who is not only the owner of Frawley's Donut Shoppe (which Ed thinks was a stroke of marketing genius, adding the "pe" to the end of "Shop"), but also the guy getting sued by the leaf-raking Mr. Hector. Ed says he'd like to represent Frawley. Frawley says no, that the case is for $112, and Ed has to be the least effective ambulance chaser Frawley's ever encountered. He says he'll be representing himself. Ed says that only fools represent themselves, but then quickly adds that he doesn't think Frawley is a fool. He offers to take the case pro bono, but Frawley won't budge. He offers to pay Frawley $50 to let him represent him in the case. Frawley asks whether this is one of those Fonzie schemes, and Ed says it isn't. Frawley agrees to let Ed represent him for $50, and then asks how much Ed will pay Frawley to draft his will. Ed feels like an idiot, which is pretty much par for the course in this episode.
Carol and Molly are cruising down the street; once again, Carol's talking non-stop about Principal Jackass. Christ. Even Rain Man gave Judge Wapner a break every now and then. Carol's telling Molly that Jackass exploded with veins popping out of his neck and everything. Carol wants to know what his deal is; Molly says that she doesn't know, and that Carol goes into his office a whole lot more often than Molly does. Carol says that he's an enigma, and she wants to know why he got fired. My Gawd, I'm getting tired of this. This is all Carol's been talking about the entire episode, and I'm about to blow my brains out if she doesn't find something else to obsess over. Molly finally states the obvious, telling Carol that she's in love with him. Naturally, Carol scoffs at Molly's suggestion and denies it like a little girl accused of cutting the hair off her kid sister's Barbie doll. Molly points out that Carol likes men who are broken so that she can swoop in and fix them. Molly insists that Carol's obsessed with Principal Jackass, while Carol says she's merely intrigued. Yeah, Carol. The idea of me being the meat in a Denise Richards and Tara Reid sandwich "intrigues" me, too.
Back in the principal's office. Sonofabitch. This is really getting old, so I go pop some popcorn and wait for the scene to be over with. Basically, Jackass tells Carol that they've reached a new understanding, and that she's supposed to be leaving him alone. She says that he's determined to push everyone away from him, and that she's not going for it. My popcorn begins to pop. Carol says that Jackass is not a bad guy, and he says she doesn't know him. She says that she saw happy pictures of him on the internet, and that she could see his compassion in those pictures. My popcorn bag is growing. Carol says that she can tell Jackass is not really a bad person -- that he's just pretending -- and she wants to know what happened in Massachusetts. Why was he fired? He doesn't answer her. She says that she's having a party, and if he wants to come, he's more than welcome. He tells her that he doesn't socialize with the staff, and she tells him just to "keep pretending," as she leaves his office with a smile. I salt my popcorn. My God, a few weeks ago it was Molly being a pushy nagging bitch and this week it's Carol. Gosh, it's no wonder neither one of them can hold onto a man. Christ. I'm getting sick of this "Natural Light" popcorn shit. I need to hurry up and shed these last sixty pounds so I can start eating what I want again.
Warren shows up for a workout with Captain Mike the Stuckeyville Dyke. Mike wants Warren to show him what he knows. Warren explains that he's been working on a move called "The High Low," where he comes at his opponent eye to eye, and then quickly drops to the floor in an attempt to trip the opponent by wrapping his arms around his ankles. Mike stands there, not going anywhere as Warren flops like a fish out of water, trying to take the strapping young doctor down by the ankles. Mike finally tells him to get up off the floor and teaches him a very basic single-leg takedown. As Mike explains it, it's quick and surprises the opponent. So he tries it out on Warren, flipping him onto his back. Warren is taken aback and tries hard to protect "his boys." Apparently, his boys don't like being confronted, which could prove to be a problem if he ever does get a chance to get Jessica in the back seat of his parents' station wagon. Warren gives it a try and does pretty well, flipping Mike over onto his back. He tries it a couple more times, and as we fade to commercial, we see Warren dropping a bionic elbow in the style of Randy "Macho Man" Savage onto Mike, and missing. Once again, another quick sight gag that many people probably missed, and one of the reasons I still love this show even when it clearly sucks like it does this week.
Commercials. You know what I'm getting really sick of? These NBC commercials where they tell you what's going to happen on an upcoming show and just when you think the commercial is over, the sound grows quiet and the announcer says "Oh...did we mention this blockbuster announcement that's going to happen on the show?" Like the way they promote The West Wing. I hear it's a good show, but I've got a personal grievance with Rob Lowe going back to when he humped my old lady in a Georgia hotel room and put out a videotape of him schlepping the bejeezus outta her. Anyway, the commercial's going, and it gets quiet and the announcer says, "Oh, and did we mention the missing submarine?" Hell no, you ignorant enema bag full of shit, you didn't mention the missing submarine! Is that supposed to hook me into watching it? No! If the announcer were to say "Oh, and did we mention Rob Lowe's going to apologize to Uncle Bob for boinking his old lady back in '92?" Yeah, I might tune in then, you rotten stinking limey bastards. That is...if you're indeed limeys.
In court, it's time for Hector v. Frawley, quite possibly the worst excuse for a court case in Ed's television history, if you conveniently forget about the time a cat sued a dog for emotional distress. Each lawyer brings his cast of wacky employees. The bizarro Phil looks over at the real Phil, grins, and says, "Righteous!" Phil asks whether that's some sort of slacker character, because that is not who Phil is. Phil sniffs and asks his bizarro character whether he's wearing perfume. The guy says he is, and that he figured Phil wore perfume. Phil's offended. Uncle Bob's turned on for some strange reason. Ed gets up first and says, "Your honor..." which prompts Doogie to stand up and say, "Your honor...." Then we get dueling Edisms for a few seconds, since they've both prepared the same opening statement; Doogie finishes it, saying that this case is not about leaves or lawn service or money. It's about neighbors. He's adopted the whole "Caring Sweet Ed" tone of voice down to the stuttering, and Ed turns around and asks his employees whether he comes off like that. Kenny, in his best Robert De Niro impression, says, "Little bit," which cracked my world up. The first of two musical montages of the week starts up. Ed's clearly out to win, having brought in huge diagrams and layouts of the neighbors' back yards. Doogie is clearly panicking. Ed throws some leaves into an oscillating fan as the Old 97's "King Of All Of The World" rocks the courtroom. Ed finally rests his case after a dazzling display of preparation and visual tools. The judge asks whether Ed did all this for $112, and tells Doogie that it's his turn to let the dog and pony show continue. Doogie is helpless and just says, "His leaves fell on my client's property and my client had to clean them up." The judge asks whether that's all he got; Doogie thinks for a second, and in his best Ed tone, says, "Neighbors." Ed wins the case and acts like it's the biggest win of his career. Doogie confronts him and says that this doesn't change a thing. Ed asks, when people hear about this case, whether they're going to go with the bowling-alley lawyer who won, or the bowling alley lawyer who lost? Phil, Shirley, and Kenny do the wave as the four of them exit the courtroom.
We're now ready for the wrestle-off, which will determine which student gets the 152-lb. Position. MegaMark and Diane are watching the proceedings as MegaMark asks her "Have you ever heard a man's spine snap?" We're about to see one of the biggest mismatches in wrestling history, right below Hulk Hogan vs. Stephen Hawking from Wrestlemania IV. Warren's opponent says, "Welcome to the House of Pain," as the coach blows the whistle to begin the match. Warren quickly goes for the takedown, which works, catching his opponent off-guard. "I wasn't ready," the muscular jock says nervously. Warren gets up, asks if that's all the kid's got, and tells him to bring it on in a true Rocky moment. The second musical montage begins: R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts" plays while the jock totally annihilates Warren. A crushing headlock is followed by a pinning situation. Warren is getting his ass handed to him on a silver platter in an ugly battle. The look of horror on his face makes up for the last fifty minutes of listening to Carol drone on and on about the mysterious Principal Jackass. Finally, Warren is apparently knocked out with a slight smile on his face after being thrown down to the mat face first. The juxtaposition of the R.E.M. song with scenes of Warren getting his ass beaten saved the episode, in my opinion.
Jackass is sitting at his desk when his secretary brings in an envelope Carol Vessey had dropped off. He opens the envelope with his evaluation in it, and begins to read it as we at home catch glimpses of the letter. The words "Inspiration," "Wonderful," "Superfuckinsexy," and "I must have his loins rubbing against mine because he's the most mysterious bastard I've ever met" are seen. Jackass looks like he's been shot.
At the snack bar, Warren is nursing his wounds and imitating Diane to her face. "Hi, I'm Diane Snyder, I know everything," he says sarcastically. Diane counters, "If you hadn't been so obnoxious, Tony Pellechia wouldn't have jumped a weight class just to beat up on you." Meanwhile, MegaMark wants opinions on whether he should grow a goatee. Diane doesn't hesitate before saying, "No." Jessica Martel and her gang show up. One of the jocks asks Warren whether it's true that he took down the opponent, and Warren says it is. Jessica says, "Nice going. I never liked him anyway." Warren gets all excited and starts to tell the funny story, but Diane looks at him, so he just makes eye contact with Jessica and nods coolly. Jessica tells him, "See you around". MegaMark is holding a paper napkin to his chin to simulate a goatee and asking what they think; Warren and Diane grin, thinking that their experiment is working. I'll answer ya, Markie: you look like Santa Claus swallowed Australia.
At Carol's party, Carol, Molly, Ed, Mike, and Nancy are all gathered around the dinner table as Ed tells the story of how Doogie tried to steal his identity but got his hand caught in the cookie jar. The doorbell rings; Jackass has shown up after all. Carol's glad, but he says he's not here for the dinner; he opens up the envelope and pours his shredded evaluation all over her hands. Carol tells him that he won; he wanted her to leave him alone, and now she will. She's tried everything, and doesn't know how to get through to him. He says, "Okay," and she says it's not okay. She then plants the dreaded Lithuanian Lip Lock firmly on his mouth. She pulls away and looks at him and he just casually says, "Well, goodnight." She laughs as he walks away and wonders aloud if she's now officially gone insane. She walks back into the party where she's hardly noticed, since Ed's story has everyone in stitches. Carol sits there and thinks about what she just did. They toast as the sultry sounds of Ron Sexsmith's "Foolproof" takes us home.
Okay: the acting was impeccable. The storylines sucked, with the exception of Warren's plot -- which certainly wasn't his best moment, but was the only redeeming element of the episode. The bizarro staff plot was already done last season, and if the writers are going to the same well twice in two seasons...that spells "Ain't Good" in my book. week, Ed knows a secret about Jackass that could destroy the brand-new relationship between Carol and Jackass. My guess is that he was sent here to ruin the show. We'll see.