Uncle Bob gave this episode a grade of
C-
77 users have given this episode an average grade of
B-
Has anybody out there ever had hemorrhoids?
I'm just asking because how does one actually know that one has hemorrhoids that first time? It's kinda like a heart attack. Are you actually having a heart attack, or should you have just maybe passed on that third bowl of chili? Which is it?
It's probably imperative that you receive a second opinion, like maybe a doctor's, when you think you have hemorrhoids. Unless you're some kind of bizarre gymnast, most people can't check that area out for themselves. And it's doubtful you have many friends who'd be willing to take a gander at the old poop chute up close. So you have to go see a doctor to make sure, but then...what if it's not hemorrhoids? I mean, I don't want to have to go to the doctor, have him look at my ass, and go, "It's not hemorrhoids. It's an infected ass wart," and then have him step outside the room and burst out laughing in the hallway while I'm lying face down on an examining table with my boxers around my ankles and my face three shades of red.
Anyway, just wondering. And no, I don't think I have hemorrhoids. I'm asking...ummmm...for a friend.
Soooo, speaking of hemorrhoids, here's this week's recap of Ed!
We kick things off in, of all places, Stuckey Bowl. Carol has walked in, tracked down Ed like a drug-sniffing canine and is venting her anger over Principal Jackass cancelling the annual teacher's meeting, where the teachers sit and whine and bitch about how much they hate their jobs and need more money to buy erasers and whatever the hell it is that teachers need. Jackass has cancelled the meeting because he "wasn't in the mood." Which isn't really surprising since it would mean actual interaction with other human beings, which is something Captain Aloof couldn't possibly fathom. Anyway, Carol's mad because Jackass has the school turned upside down with his hands-off approach to administration. Yet she's also intrigued, because the man has an air of mystery about him. Still, she thinks he's a slacker and that he just doesn't care about anything or anybody. She uses the word "mystery" about thirteen times in one sentence to point out that the guy is a "mystery." Ed, visibly bored with the subject of Carol's latest male obsession, mentions that he's looking for a ball named "Bruce." Carol asks why, and Ed says (in a very sarcastic tone) that it's a mystery because Ed is a "mysterious man." Ed finally finds the ball just as a man walks up. "Here you go, Bruce," he says, as he hands the ball over to the man.
“ Doogie has shaved his head, which makes him look like an escaped mental patient from Arkansas. ”
Credits begin and...hey! Wait just a damned minute! That was it?! That was our opening scene? Oh holy hell, this is going to be one lame-assed episode of Ed if that's the best we could come up with for an opening scene. I sigh and try to enjoy this new theme song. That lasts all of 0.2 seconds as I begin pouring hot candle wax into my ear canals to kill the pain that the theme song is causing. I pray to God to please take my hearing away from me so that I will never have to listen to this theme song again. God doesn't grant my wishes. Ohhh...you're a spiteful one, ain't ya, Lord?
Some commercials roll by. Apparently there's this movie coming out this weekend with a kid named Larry Porter in it and he's like a possessed child with really ugly glasses and a fake British accent. I think he solves mysteries or something. I doubt I'll see it because it looks like it has too many owls in it for my tastes. That's how I judge movies these days: by the number of owls in its previews. If it has more than zero owls in the previews, I strike it off my "must-see" list.
Ed pulls up in the parking lot of Stuckey Bowl and sees a young man waiting for him. Wait a second. That's no young man, that's TV legend Doogie Howser! Doogie has shaved his head, though, which makes him look like an escaped mental patient from Arkansas. He introduces himself to Ed as Joe Baxter, but I've decided for recapping purposes to just refer to him as Doogie, because "Doogie" is more fun to type than "Joe Baxter," plus...it's Doogie, people! Doogie wants a moment of Ed's time. Ed decides to be generous and give him several moments. They walk into the Alley and into Ed's office, Doogie babbling the whole time about how great Ed is. He wants to know how Ed came up with the concept of a bowling-alley lawyer, and Ed gives the same damned answer that he's been giving for twenty-seven episodes now: he was a lawyer, he bought the bowling alley, blah blah blah. Christ, Doogie...read the recaps, dude. Doogie has seen Ed in court and admired him from afar and now wants to come work for Ed. Ed's flattered. Doogie says that he's been working for a big firm for the last three years, but is tired of being a cog in the machine and wants to go the Ed route. He assures Ed that he can bring in business, and that he has tons of energy, which is obvious because he's bouncing off the walls like the Tasmanian Devil after several cappuccinos. Doogie offers Ed a peek at his résumé. Ed explains that he's content working alone and doesn't need no stinking bald-headed washed-up former teen doctor sucking his payroll dry. Doogie thanks him for his time, and leaves the Alley just as cheerful as he was when he arrived. Ed finds the kid a bit odd, which is strange because Ed works with a helluva lot odder characters than Doogie. Take Shirley, for instance. That woman's goofier than a one-eyed hoot owl, but you don't see Ed ushering her out the door based on her mental incompetence, do you?
Replacements
“ Carol would like to be the one who swings the poison pen around on the frilly stationery and cause the Ass to lose his job, since he's had it in for her since Day One. Everyone agrees that Carol should write it. Carol squeals like a pig who just slammed her pig fingers in the pig car door. ”
The teachers are having an unofficial meeting in the teacher's lounge at the high school. All of them agree that Principal Jackass is out of control. Why, just the other day, he was watching a hockey game in his office and wouldn't even pay attention to one of the teachers who had gone in there to complain about how bad his life sucked. Carol announces a plan to get rid of the Ass once and for all. It's review time for the principal, and the teachers are required to write an evaluation letter and submit it to The Guy Who's Boss Of All The Principals In The School System. With everyone's approval, Carol would like to be the one who swings the poison pen around on the frilly stationery and cause the Ass to lose his job, since he's had it in for her since Day One. Everyone agrees that Carol should write it. Carol squeals like a pig who just slammed her pig fingers in the pig car door.
Back at the Alley, Doogie is back in the house, grilling the employees of Stuckey Bowl in a kind-hearted and fun-filled manner. He's asking Phil about his job there. Phil demands not to be pigeonholed ("It's a fool's game, Doogie") as only doing one or two chores around the Alley. He's Ed's right-hand man. Ed enters the scene, and Kenny calls him "Chief" which tickles Doogie to no end. Kenny looks like he wants to wrap his big meaty hooks around Doogie's neck and throttle him. Ed asks Doogie what's going on, and Doogster says that if Ed can't hire him, is it okay if he just hangs out for a while? All he's ever known is corporate law, and he wants to know if he could maybe observe Ed and get a few pointers on this whole bowling-alley lawyer scam. Ed agrees to let Doogle Search come back at 3:00 when Ed will be meeting with a client. Dooger leaves all excited and shit and Phil points out in a smarmy tone that Bossco has a groupie. Kenny snickers and adds that it's a "fella groupie." They both share a chuckle over that fact while Ed wonders silently whether this means he's going to have to ask Doogie to shove bologna up his butt like Motley Crue would ask of their groupies.
At school, Warren is sitting in a stairwell, frantically trying to do some last-minute math problems before class starts. Diane walks up and tries to give him all the answers he needs to complete the math problems, but Warren looks as lost as the Pope in a whorehouse, so she snatches the paper from him and starts scrawling. She then asks how much Warren weighs. He tells her he's currently about 152 lbs., and asks why she's so hellbent on knowing his weight. Diane says she told him she'd be his pimp and help him nail Jessica Martel and that he can't possibly see the inside of Jessica's panties until he plays a sport, preferably wrestling. Warren scoffs at that suggestion and points out that he's as weak as an infant. Diane says that the wrestling team needs him and that they're desperate for someone in his weight class. She's going to sign him up; he thanks her. She hands him back his homework and he sees that she has scrawled a drawing of Warren with the words "Now I'm really screwed" written on it. He tries to erase it but remarks "pen, pen, pen" and that this isn't going to erase. Say what you want about this Diane character, but she's the real mystery of the program right now. Why does she want to help Warren? What's in it for her? Why is she so vicious? And what's up with that rat's nest of a hairdo? One word, Skankasaurus: "Conditioner."
“ Warren is taken aback and tries hard to protect 'his boys.' Apparently, his boys don't like being confronted, which could prove to be a problem if he ever does get a chance to get Jessica in the back seat of his parents' station wagon. ”
Warren shows up for a workout with Captain Mike the Stuckeyville Dyke. Mike wants Warren to show him what he knows. Warren explains that he's been working on a move called "The High Low," where he comes at his opponent eye to eye, and then quickly drops to the floor in an attempt to trip the opponent by wrapping his arms around his ankles. Mike stands there, not going anywhere as Warren flops like a fish out of water, trying to take the strapping young doctor down by the ankles. Mike finally tells him to get up off the floor and teaches him a very basic single-leg takedown. As Mike explains it, it's quick and surprises the opponent. So he tries it out on Warren, flipping him onto his back. Warren is taken aback and tries hard to protect "his boys." Apparently, his boys don't like being confronted, which could prove to be a problem if he ever does get a chance to get Jessica in the back seat of his parents' station wagon. Warren gives it a try and does pretty well, flipping Mike over onto his back. He tries it a couple more times, and as we fade to commercial, we see Warren dropping a bionic elbow in the style of Randy "Macho Man" Savage onto Mike, and missing. Once again, another quick sight gag that many people probably missed, and one of the reasons I still love this show even when it clearly sucks like it does this week.
Commercials. You know what I'm getting really sick of? These NBC commercials where they tell you what's going to happen on an upcoming show and just when you think the commercial is over, the sound grows quiet and the announcer says "Oh...did we mention this blockbuster announcement that's going to happen on the show?" Like the way they promote The West Wing. I hear it's a good show, but I've got a personal grievance with Rob Lowe going back to when he humped my old lady in a Georgia hotel room and put out a videotape of him schlepping the bejeezus outta her. Anyway, the commercial's going, and it gets quiet and the announcer says, "Oh, and did we mention the missing submarine?" Hell no, you ignorant enema bag full of shit, you didn't mention the missing submarine! Is that supposed to hook me into watching it? No! If the announcer were to say "Oh, and did we mention Rob Lowe's going to apologize to Uncle Bob for boinking his old lady back in '92?" Yeah, I might tune in then, you rotten stinking limey bastards. That is...if you're indeed limeys.
Replacements
“ Phil sniffs and asks his bizarro character whether he's wearing perfume. The guy says he is, and that he figured Phil wore perfume. Phil's offended. Uncle Bob's turned on for some strange reason. ”
In court, it's time for Hector v. Frawley, quite possibly the worst excuse for a court case in Ed's television history, if you conveniently forget about the time a cat sued a dog for emotional distress. Each lawyer brings his cast of wacky employees. The bizarro Phil looks over at the real Phil, grins, and says, "Righteous!" Phil asks whether that's some sort of slacker character, because that is not who Phil is. Phil sniffs and asks his bizarro character whether he's wearing perfume. The guy says he is, and that he figured Phil wore perfume. Phil's offended. Uncle Bob's turned on for some strange reason. Ed gets up first and says, "Your honor..." which prompts Doogie to stand up and say, "Your honor...." Then we get dueling Edisms for a few seconds, since they've both prepared the same opening statement; Doogie finishes it, saying that this case is not about leaves or lawn service or money. It's about neighbors. He's adopted the whole "Caring Sweet Ed" tone of voice down to the stuttering, and Ed turns around and asks his employees whether he comes off like that. Kenny, in his best Robert De Niro impression, says, "Little bit," which cracked my world up. The first of two musical montages of the week starts up. Ed's clearly out to win, having brought in huge diagrams and layouts of the neighbors' back yards. Doogie is clearly panicking. Ed throws some leaves into an oscillating fan as the Old 97's "King Of All Of The World" rocks the courtroom. Ed finally rests his case after a dazzling display of preparation and visual tools. The judge asks whether Ed did all this for $112, and tells Doogie that it's his turn to let the dog and pony show continue. Doogie is helpless and just says, "His leaves fell on my client's property and my client had to clean them up." The judge asks whether that's all he got; Doogie thinks for a second, and in his best Ed tone, says, "Neighbors." Ed wins the case and acts like it's the biggest win of his career. Doogie confronts him and says that this doesn't change a thing. Ed asks, when people hear about this case, whether they're going to go with the bowling-alley lawyer who won, or the bowling alley lawyer who lost? Phil, Shirley, and Kenny do the wave as the four of them exit the courtroom.
We're now ready for the wrestle-off, which will determine which student gets the 152-lb. Position. MegaMark and Diane are watching the proceedings as MegaMark asks her "Have you ever heard a man's spine snap?" We're about to see one of the biggest mismatches in wrestling history, right below Hulk Hogan vs. Stephen Hawking from Wrestlemania IV. Warren's opponent says, "Welcome to the House of Pain," as the coach blows the whistle to begin the match. Warren quickly goes for the takedown, which works, catching his opponent off-guard. "I wasn't ready," the muscular jock says nervously. Warren gets up, asks if that's all the kid's got, and tells him to bring it on in a true Rocky moment. The second musical montage begins: R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts" plays while the jock totally annihilates Warren. A crushing headlock is followed by a pinning situation. Warren is getting his ass handed to him on a silver platter in an ugly battle. The look of horror on his face makes up for the last fifty minutes of listening to Carol drone on and on about the mysterious Principal Jackass. Finally, Warren is apparently knocked out with a slight smile on his face after being thrown down to the mat face first. The juxtaposition of the R.E.M. song with scenes of Warren getting his ass beaten saved the episode, in my opinion.
Replacements
Jackass is sitting at his desk when his secretary brings in an envelope Carol Vessey had dropped off. He opens the envelope with his evaluation in it, and begins to read it as we at home catch glimpses of the letter. The words "Inspiration," "Wonderful," "Superfuckinsexy," and "I must have his loins rubbing against mine because he's the most mysterious bastard I've ever met" are seen. Jackass looks like he's been shot.
At the snack bar, Warren is nursing his wounds and imitating Diane to her face. "Hi, I'm Diane Snyder, I know everything," he says sarcastically. Diane counters, "If you hadn't been so obnoxious, Tony Pellechia wouldn't have jumped a weight class just to beat up on you." Meanwhile, MegaMark wants opinions on whether he should grow a goatee. Diane doesn't hesitate before saying, "No." Jessica Martel and her gang show up. One of the jocks asks Warren whether it's true that he took down the opponent, and Warren says it is. Jessica says, "Nice going. I never liked him anyway." Warren gets all excited and starts to tell the funny story, but Diane looks at him, so he just makes eye contact with Jessica and nods coolly. Jessica tells him, "See you around". MegaMark is holding a paper napkin to his chin to simulate a goatee and asking what they think; Warren and Diane grin, thinking that their experiment is working. I'll answer ya, Markie: you look like Santa Claus swallowed Australia.
At Carol's party, Carol, Molly, Ed, Mike, and Nancy are all gathered around the dinner table as Ed tells the story of how Doogie tried to steal his identity but got his hand caught in the cookie jar. The doorbell rings; Jackass has shown up after all. Carol's glad, but he says he's not here for the dinner; he opens up the envelope and pours his shredded evaluation all over her hands. Carol tells him that he won; he wanted her to leave him alone, and now she will. She's tried everything, and doesn't know how to get through to him. He says, "Okay," and she says it's not okay. She then plants the dreaded Lithuanian Lip Lock firmly on his mouth. She pulls away and looks at him and he just casually says, "Well, goodnight." She laughs as he walks away and wonders aloud if she's now officially gone insane. She walks back into the party where she's hardly noticed, since Ed's story has everyone in stitches. Carol sits there and thinks about what she just did. They toast as the sultry sounds of Ron Sexsmith's "Foolproof" takes us home.
Okay: the acting was impeccable. The storylines sucked, with the exception of Warren's plot -- which certainly wasn't his best moment, but was the only redeeming element of the episode. The bizarro staff plot was already done last season, and if the writers are going to the same well twice in two seasons...that spells "Ain't Good" in my book. week, Ed knows a secret about Jackass that could destroy the brand-new relationship between Carol and Jackass. My guess is that he was sent here to ruin the show. We'll see.