We open this can of worms with Mike and Ed strolling down the happenin' streets of Stuckeyville. They run across a man in a chicken suit standing in the town square with a sign hawking a local restaurant's fried chicken. Mike bets Ed $6 he won't go hug the chicken. Ed reminds Mike that the time-honored traditional wager is $10. Mike sheepishly says that he only has $6 in his pocket. Ed asks him if he's Boxcar Willie, King of the Homos. Oops...sorry...he said "Hobos." I thought that was kinda odd, because I didn't remember Boxcar Willie being particularly obsessed with the gentlemen in his day. The two banter back and forth as Ed clearly will not hug a chicken for anything less than ten bucks. Ed -- quickly realizing that, as a successful bowling alley lawyer, he does in fact have $10 to his name -- performs a never before seen twist on the $10 bet and turns it around, betting Mike that he won't go hug the chicken. Maybe this was Mike's idea all along, because the large-foreheaded lummox approaches the chicken and puts his arms around the chicken's head, holding it close to his chest. You know...if I'm not mistaken...it almost looks like Mike is...choking the chicken. I'm wondering if Mike has ever choked the chicken in public. I bet he has. I bet he's gripped that chicken in his hand and choked the life out of it before. Probably right there in the town square. Mike's weird that way. Ed starts laughing as the chicken tells Mike to please stop touching him. Mike really should have choked the chicken. Now I'm going to be preoccupied with a missed opportunity for the several hours as I write this recap. God help me.
Opening credits. The theme song from Hell begins. This week, I can't decide if it sounds more like somebody having his ribcage sawed open with a rusted chainsaw while strapped to a gurney in a haunted house, or if it sounds more like Shelley Winters screaming for help while trapped in a bathtub with rats crawling out of the faucet. I'll get back to you on that.
Commercials. Hey, it's a new Disney video just in time for the holidays: Mickey Contracts Spina Bifida Like That Creepy Sister Chick In Pet Sematary! Woohoo! An instant family classic!
We return from commercials to find the staff of the Stuckey Bowl sitting near a fishbowl full of gumballs and doing some calculations on calculators -- except Phil, who's using an abacus. They've all come to the conclusion that there are 1,389 gumballs in the fishbowl. As it turns out, Phil has decided to run a contest which would find customers guessing the number of gumballs, with the closest guesser winning a free month of bowling. You can tell this is Phil's idea, because Ed's head is shaking like Katharine Hepburn on an antique tractor. Phil writes the number down on a piece of paper and puts it inside a clear plastic box hanging over the shoe rental desk; he describes it as an "impregnable box of mystery." He gives Ed the key and names Ed the Keymaster, which is a step up from Ed's position as the Cockmaster, but only Kenny, Shirley, and Phil really know about the promotion. Carol walks in with an illegal immigrant under her arm. You know, in this day and time, the last thing we need in Stuckeyville is one more potential terrorist, Ms. Vessey. The gal's name is Sonia; Carol is tutoring her in English. Sonia's got that whole Sonia Braga look going for her. Carol needs Ed to talk to her about some legal issues. You know...whatever happened to the original rule where you had to bowl three games before the bowling alley lawyer would even look your way? Are those days over? Has that stipulation been dropped? What this show so desperately needs (besides a theme song that doesn't make your lungs bleed) is more bowling. Phil decides to turn his Sleaze-o-meter to 11, and starts babbling softly to Sonia in a language that's part Spanish, part French, and all ignorant. He slowly goes to kiss the back of her hand, and she recoils in horror as though he has spiders in his mouth. Phil opens up the neck of his shirt to see if maybe the sight of his pale and hairless chest will turn her on. It doesn't. Ed guides Sonia into his office, and Carol stops to make pissy eyes at Phil for acting like an idiot. Phil shoves that same look right back at Carol. I smell fireworks between them. I'll bet by the end of the season, Phil and Carol will have done the nasty at least once.
Sonia gets to the meat of her problem: her husband wants a divorce from her. "Why would anyone want a divorce from a hot Latina mama like yourself?" Ed asks, while stroking his own inner thighs gently. Because her husband found...this! She whips out a magazine and hands it to Ed. Awesome! Porno finally comes to Stuckeyville! I grab the baby oil and nipple clamps and prepare for a Self-Love Fest just as Ed opens the magazine. Oh. Crap. It's a mail-order bride catalogue with no nudity. I shamefully put the baby oil and nipple clamps back in the nightstand drawer and bide my time, praying that maybe tonight a tampon commercial will come on. Apparently, Sonia's wacky friends in Brazil talked her into putting her name and likeness in the catalogue in order to get out of Brazil, which is a ploy that the gals in Brooklyn may want to look into. It was a secret she had kept from her husband, and now that he found it, he thinks she only married him for a green card and not for love. She "loves" her husband, and doesn't want a divorce. Ed asks her whether she wants to stay in the country. She says it's nice, but New York is where she'd rather stay. She gets allergic smelling hay. She just adores a penthouse view. Darling, she loves her husband but give her Park Avenue. Ed explains that what he meant was does she want to stay in America. She laughs a big hearty manly laugh and says that what she wants is to stay married. Ed thinks about it for a second and then says that he can't help her because he doesn't handle divorce cases. Oh. But he's more than happy to defend teenagers who bring alcohol to parties and get everyone drunk or sleazy suit pimps who force their employees to dress like crack whores to make more money. But divorce cases? Hey...gotta draw the line somewhere, Señorita.
Molly's sitting at her school desk shuffling papers, trying at least to look like she's earning a paycheck when Jim walks in with a plush stuffed bowling pin. I'm beginning to think Jim may be the most insane stalker ever introduced on television. Molly wants to know what this is, because apparently she hasn't seen many furry stuffed bowling pins in her life. Jim tells her that originally he thought it was a great gift, except he just walked past two hundred boys while carrying it, and one of them called him a "gork". He wants to know whether that's the new slang term kids are using these days. Molly says no -- they normally use something that ends in "ucker" for guys like Jim. Jim apologizes for not calling Molly, but his work has been non-stop. Molly says there's no need to apologize; after all, it was just a kiss. This takes Jim aback, and he asks whether vichyssoise is "just" a soup. Molly doesn't know what to say, because she's not a big connoisseur of soups that sound like they're made of fish schlongs. Jim changes the subject, which makes me happy because I didn't want to have to keep looking up the spellings of fancy soup names. Jim asks Molly to go out with him; she mentally checks her social calendar, which is full of blank spaces until she gets to Christmas Eve which has the words "Dinner at Ma's" scrawled on it. She agrees to go out with Jim. He gets giddy and tells her it's a surprise as to where he's taking her. My guess is the Smiling Goat to watch another of Jim's buddies try to eat thirty burgers in one sitting. That Jim...he's one romantic sonofabitch.
Back in the alley, Carol asks Ed what "that" was all about, when he refused to help Sonia. Ed says he can't be a part of what's going on here. Carol reminds Ed that if he doesn't defend Sonia, she'll be kicked out of America. Because, as we all know, Ed is the only lawyer in the country. Finally, it hits Carol like a ton of bricks: Ed won't take the case because he's still not over his ex-wife, Liz. Carol explains to Ed that he can't relive the divorce through this court case. Ed says "Fine, Dr... Dr..." Carol decides to help. "Freud?" she says. "Too obvious," he says. "Kildare?" she offers. "Too gay," he says. "Mark Greene," she counters. "Too bald," he replies. Carol tires of the Doctor game and reminds Ed that Sonia really wants him to save her marriage. Carol lovingly puts her hand on Ed's shoulder. Ed pops a boner from having a female actually touch him, and says he'll do it...but what's in it for him? Carol says, "Name it." Ed says, "Bear my children." Carol asks whether he'll settle for a Velamint. Ed says, "Absolutely." I'm willing to bet that if he had just asked for hot sex rather than children, he would have knocked one in the outfield rather than striking out. Yes, the World Series is over and I'm still making baseball references. I'm Johnny McTimely, oh yes I am.
Mike enters Dr. Jerome's office and asks whether Jerome wanted to see him. Jerome tells him to "close the door, Clarabelle," and to take a seat. Jerome rises from his desk and removes a picture from the wall. Behind it are eighteen binders with all the knowledge that Jerome has accumulated in his 112 years in the business. He says that these binders now belong to Mike. But Mike can't take over the practice until he's managed to memorize every single word out of every binder there. Mike reminds Jerome that he was schooled at Johns Hopkins and that there's probably more knowledge in one of Mike's Sunday-morning bowel movements than in every one of those binders. Jerome asks whether he wants to take over the practice or work in a car wash. Mike thinks about it for a second and says he wants to take over the practice, but he's kinda edgy, wondering if that was a trick question. Jerome tells him once again that unless he memorizes the entire collection, he won't be getting the practice. Mike debates remedying the situation with a violent prostate exam administered with a sharp stick to Jerome, but finally decides against it.
Meanwhile, Jim is leading Molly through a darkened warehouse on their date. I'm telling you...this guy is a stalker. And a slacker. He's a slacker stalker. I say by the end of the episode we're going to see Molly impaled on a sharpened bowling pin. I'm rarely wrong in these situations, people...have faith in me. I knew at the beginning of Seven that Gwyneth Paltrow was gonna wind up in a box somehow; I just envisioned it being her severed elbow, not her head. I mean, I'm no Miss Cleo, but I've got some killer vibes going on. Anyway, Jim tells Molly that there are two perks to dating a guy in the amusement business, and she's about to experience the first. I'm covering my eyes and waiting for the knife to slash her face when he flips a switch and the lights come on, along with several dozen arcade machines. Jim welcomes Molly to the Hall of Rejections, over twenty years of failed videogames. He tells her that this is where fun comes to die. Ohmigod! What a coinky-dink, because Molly's "fun"! Just ask anyone, they'll tell you. "Molly Hudson? What a fun gal!" Oh cripes, here it comes. Molly's brutal death on national television. Here it comes...here it comes...here it...
Well, hell. Through the miracle of television, we're now in Mike's and Nancy's home. Mike is struggling to read Jerome's boring binders, telling Nancy that there are eleven pages on Band-Aids alone. There are five pages on applying the bandage, and six pages dedicated to removing them. Mike is whining that he doesn't think he can do this. Nancy chirps that he can memorize anything with the use of flash cards. She gets all hyper and asks what size cards he'd care for. Mike has a look on his face that says, "I wish you'd freakin' die already." Mike says he doesn't have to do this and that he's tired of Jerome acting like John Houseman from The Paper Chase. Nancy giggles and admits that Mike's cute when he gets all righteous. Mike giggles and says that Nancy's cute when she breathes. Wait. Actually, I thought that. Tell me, dear reader and admitted Uncle Bob fanatic...when was the turning point where I went from thinking Nancy was an incredible bore to when she became my hot fantasy woman? Give up? When she started to get nekkid for Mike when he wanted a baby a few episodes ago. Duh. Ever since then, my scrotum tingles every time I see the woman. I want her. I need her. But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love her. Now don't be sad, Miss Hollywood TV Star, 'cause two out of three is pretty much my limit anyway.
So Molly's jamming on one of the vintage arcade games with Jim breathing down her neck. She gets the balls to ask what the second big perk is to dating a guy in the amusement business. He says that if she plays her cards right, he'll introduce her to Arnold Skee. Gin Rummy! I get all giddy, thinking we're going to have a special guest appearance from the Skee Man when Molly ruins the moment by asking who Arnold Skee was. I'm seconds away from throwing my shoe at the TV screen at Molly's utter ignorance when Jim says that Skee invented Skee Ball. Oh. Well hell. I thought we were talking about the guy that dove face first into the fire on last season's Survivor. Well, who the hell wants to meet the inventor of Skee Ball? Way to dash some hopes there, Jimmy Boy. Maybe time you can introduce her to the guy who invented cheese-flavored toothpaste. (That would be yours truly. I'm still working on getting the idea off the ground, so bear with me. In the meantime, just use Cheese Whiz.) Molly calls Jim a "gork" because apparently she was hoping to meet Fire Boy as well. Jim responds to this slur by circling in like a vulture and then slurping all over Molly's mouth like she had an errant fish hook lodged in her tonsils. Y'know...I'm beginning to think we may have finally found a man for ol' Molly. Those long and depressing nights of sexually frustrated dalliances with vegetables are just about over for Molly. I say it's time to throw out the pickle, girlfriend...it looks like you're about to get you some Grade A man-beef smothered in some creamy delicious Jimmy Sauce!
In the meantime, Carol Vessey, the poster child for frigidity, sashays into Ed's office. She wants to know what Ed's doing, and Ed coldly replies, "Trying to find a way to stop this divorce." Ouch, Eddie. Pull the claws back in before you hurt somebody. Carol has brought some photo albums of Sonia and her husband Andy, along with a pillow that Sonia made specifically for her husband's lumbar region. Ed sighs and says there's not much he can do with that other than use it as a masturbatory prop. Is it just me or is Ed being one giant pissy bear this week? Carol tries to look on the bright side and tells Ed that he could at least use these items to prove that Sonia married for love. She thinks that these photos and pillows can help tell the woman's story better than any VH1 special. If Ed brings these out in court and put Sonia on the stand, there won't be a dry eye in the house as she tells her story. Ed says that Sonia is not going on the stand. Carol's shocked. She wants to know why Ed wouldn't put Sonia on the stand. It takes a few moments of silence before the dimwit finally gets it. "You don't believe her," Carol accuses. Ed points out that once the judge sees the Mail Order Bride catalogue, he won't believe her, either. Carol asks when was the last time that Ed spoke to his ex-wife, and whether he ever let her explain her side of the story. Ed says that he hasn't spoken to her since he caught her banging the mailman like a snare drum. Carol begs Ed to read the letters, since they may change his mind. Ed asks what's in it for him. Carol says anything his little heart could want. Ed asks for some hot monkey lovin'. Carol agrees. They throw everything off the desk and have sex right there, right in front of God and everybody. Man. It was some damned good sex too. I needed a cigarette afterward and I don't even smoke. Yep. Damned good sex. If you blinked, you missed it, because they barreled head on into some...
...commercials. Folger's has a new commercial which features a boy band singing the praises of coffee. Yeah, guys. That'll really fly with the twelve-year-olds. There's very little that pre-teens find sexier than a boy band member pounding down cup after cup of java like a dehydrated man in a desert. Oh yeah. That'll get the underoos just a-steaming.
Back in the alley, Kenny, Shirley, and Phil are sitting in a booth nervously twiddling their thumbs. Ed shows up to explain that they now have a total of twenty-two winners in the "Guess The Gumballs Game." Phil smiles and says, "Well, shave my poodle!" which is a phrase that I think he got off the back of an MBTV t-shirt that has been discontinued due to poor sales. Thanks a heap, guys. Thanks for supporting me and my snarky recaps, you rat bastards. Hey, I'm over it...the fact that nobody bought my shirts. But man...don't ever ask me to buy one of your shirts, pally. I'll laugh so hard in your face, you'll think you just channeled the spirit of the late great Victor Borge. Ed wants to know what the big question is here. Shirley suggests it's why has nobody ever pointed out that the theme song for that psychedelic kids show from the '70s, The Banana Splits, is the same as Bob Marley's "Buffalo Soldier." I wasn't quite sure myself, so I downloaded both songs off the web, listened to them both, and now I have an insatiable desire to smoke copious amounts of ganja and drop acid. Which is not a bad thing. It's a good thing. Ed's convinced that somebody shared the winning number of gumballs with people, and he wants to know who. Naturally, my money's on Phil. With as many hotties running around da 'Ville and with Phil being perpetually horny, I'm sure if they bothered to look, every winner of a free month of bowling is bleached blonde with nothing less than a D cup. Rather than research the matter, though, Ed declares that there will no longer be any contests. Phil snaps and says that he's going to get to the bottom of this since there's a chicken in the henhouse, and somebody here is a mole. Ed tries to correct Phil and tells him the expression is "a fox in the henhouse." Phil says, "Fox in the henhouse...that's good. I'll have to remember that one." If I were a woman, I would soooo let Phil treat me like a dirty whore. A dirty, dirty whore. I love that man. I want to get a sex change and have his babies. I'd let him treat me oh so bad and I'd love every minute of it.
In Dr. Jerome's office, Dr. Jerome brings Mike in to see a patient who needs a rabies shot after being bitten by one of Stuckeyville's adorable little killer squirrels. Jerome asks Mike what should be in the syringe, and Mike says anthrax. Jerome gives him the same look that Moe used to give Curly right before he slapped the snot outta him, and Mike quickly babbles the correct answer. He asks what bandage they should put over the syringe puncture, and Mike says the little one. Jerome needs a specific product code. Mike can't remember the code. Had it been me, I would have rattled off a series of numbers and letters and claimed I was dyslexic. Jerome is about to go all kung-fu on Mike's ass when Mike says that he believes his formal education has prepared him for any circumstance that he may come up against after Jerome gives him the practice. Jerome goes off the deep end and tells Mike that his education doesn't qualify him to sell fish off the back of a truck, and then calls him a slobbering moose for good measure. I love Jerome's snappy putdowns.
In court, Ed's got Andy the husband on the stand, and is asking him all sorts of personal questions. "Was your wife faithful?" "Yes." "Was she a drunk?" "No." "Did she insist on watching the Lifetime channel 24-7?" "No." "Did she service you orally whenever you demanded?" "I...I don't have to answer that." "Yes, Andy...Yes, you do. Did she service you orally whenever you demanded?" "Judge...I...." "Just answer the question young man." "Thank you judge. Answer me Andy. Did she?" "Ummm...Errrr...No." "So is that your reason for divorce, Andy? Is that it?" "No!" "So....she was a good wife then?" (Silence). "No further questions, your honor. Unless you count 'Mind if I see if your wife will choke on my wiener a while? It's been an awful long time since L'il Ed received any attention' a question." "Sit down Mr. Stevens." "Yes, your honor."
Outside the courtroom, Ed is trying to explain to Carol that since they live in a no-fault state, Andy can divorce Sonia for whatever reasons he wants, including her less-than-stellar performances in the bedroom. Carol asks whether Ed read the letters. Ed says he didn't, since he was too busy watching The Dukes Of Hazzard reunion movie, and adds that Boss Hogg is one hilarious redneck bastard. Carol says that Sonia did one bad thing in this marriage, and now Andy wants a divorce. Yeah, Carol...but that one bad thing just happened to be advertising that she would marry any man, no matter what, if he could make sure she becomes an American citizen. Carol farts at this point and says that it's not fair that she be penalized for one harmless little mistake. Ed says he's not a marriage counselor, which seems to piss Carol off. She farts again, adjusts the seat of her pants and storms out of the building. It might be time for Carol to invest in a little Gas-X, because I've noticed her farting a lot on the show lately.
Back at the alley, Phil is walking alongside Shirley saying, "Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it." Shirley finally cracks and says, "I didn't leak the number." Phil looks a bit dejected, but he also looks relieved that he can now cross Shirley off his list of suspects. Molly walks in, dressed like a gay cowboy and looking for Jim. Ed calls her "Doc Molliday," which is better than anything I could have come up with, short of "Cowgirlzilla." Ed points out that since she and Jim have had two dates in one week, this must mean that Jim "really hates her," which is what Molly originally thought was the case. Molly hauls off and punches Ed right in the mouth, knocking a few molars loose and trying to make it look like a little friendly punch shared by good friends, but I can tell the difference, as can Ed's dentist. Jim walks up and tells Molly she looks "really amazing," which must be Stuckeyville slang for "really gorky." Molly asks Jim where his hat is, and he says that he can't make it to their date tonight because he has to go to Ketchum. He didn't find out until the last minute and if he doesn't go then his lady friend in Ketchum will never share the joys of male fisting with him ever again. Well...he doesn't exactly say that, but he may as well have. He promises to make this up to Molly, who looks dejected, hurt, and betrayed. She tells him that she understands his predicament and tells him to go. Scoot. Vamoose. Hit the trail, blazer. Molly's understandably crushed. Well...not understandably. I mean, the guy had an excuse.
Back in Ed's office, Ed's quietly looking at pictures of Andy and Sonia. He starts reading their personal love letters. He gets horny. He starts looking through pictures of his own life with his ex-wife. They looked so happy then. He gets hornier. He picks up the phone and dials. He says "Hey Liz...it's me." The lady on the other end says, "Oh yeah, baby. This is costing you $1.99 a minute, you can call me whatever you want. Do you want to know what I'm wearing, you hot American stud machine?" We then go out of control and slam head-on into a massive series of ...
....commercials. Apparently, and I didn't know this, but if you go to Red Lobster and eat thirty shrimp, your arm will fall off. I think the FDA needs to be looking into this, because in my book, that's some pretty serious shit.
Back at Ed's office, Carol busts all up in the room and asks Ed whether he read the letters. He says he did, and that they were unbelievable. He hadn't seen punctuation and spelling this bad since Tom Cruise's résumé (Tom Cruise is one dyslexic bastard...get it?). The letters prove that these two really loved each other. Carol was right, Ed was wrong. Ed says that when he caught Liz covered in mailman juice, he hauled ass out the door and never looked back, and that wasn't right. Carol adds that he never got closure in his marriage. Ed says that he's getting it today because Liz is on her way to Stuckeyville. Andy has the chance to save his marriage and is blowing it, and Ed says that he can't do the same thing. He has to get closure. Carol smells the writing on the wall and realizes that if Liz comes to Stuckeyville, there's a damned good chance that string that Carol's had Ed on for over a year could be snipped in two. Carol makes a mental note to stop at Anthrax 'R' Us on the way home.
In Carol's classroom, Molly's asking Carol whether she thinks Molly's smart. Carol says that Molly is in fact a fairly intelligent gal. She's also witty, cute, and has a great personality...but for the last time Molls...we ain't gonna get all lesbo on each other. Molly points out that a group of flamingos is called a "pat" of flamingos. Whoa. Right there, you find out that she's more intelligent that 90% of Americans who aren't Flamingo Farmers. I thought a group of flamingos was called a "big-assed batch of sissy birds." So if Molly's so g-damned smart, why can't she figure out this relationship thing? Jim had the opportunity to go out with Molly or travel to Ketchum and get a good night's sleep in order to be fresh the morning when he had to fix some stupid pin-setting machine. Carol wonders where she's heard this conversation before. Oh yeah, that's right...every damned time Molly goes out with a guy. Jeez Louise...the queen of melodramatic failed relationships is telling Molly that she's dooming her relationship by being melodramatic. Ahem. Paging Miss Vessey, paging Miss Vessey. There's a pot on the line looking to call your kettle ass black. Molly decides that she's getting off the Jim Frost Roller Coaster. Carol thinks that's stupid, since Jim's a keeper. Uh huh. Well, then, why don't you go out with the looney stalking bastard, then, Carol? Oh, that's right -- you like having relationships where you're not exactly cramming your tongue down somebody's gullet, but rather stringing him along like a wooden Fisher-Price toy. I can see right through you, Vessey. You're as transparent as Cling Wrap. You can't fool Uncle Bob, oh no. Not me...not the king of being able to see right through things.
Liz shows up in the bowling alley. Initial assessment: she's hot, but she's no Bonnie Hane. Ed sees her and apologizes for not picking her up at the airport, since he had to prepare for court and couldn't make it and plus he wanted to see if she would have just whored herself out for cab fare if she were left alone for thirty seconds at the airport. He asks whether she'd like to take the nickel tour of the place, and she says sure. He feels generous and bumps her up to the thirty-five-cent tour. As they walk along, Liz smiles and says everything she'd heard about his owning a bowling alley is true; Ed smiles. I think he's actually proud of it. Liz and Ed happen upon the employees sitting around like a bunch of payroll drains. Ed introduces them to "my...Liz." Shirley refuses to shake Liz's hand while Kenny says he would have cheated on Ed, too, if he were her. The awkwardness bar is raised to a whole new level as Kenny explains that he was just trying to use some humor to alleviate the situation. Ed excuses himself to go to court and arranges to get Liz settled in wherever she's going; they plan to meet for dinner later that night. That is...if she's not out humping bellhops for extra hand towels.
In Dr. Jerome's office, Mike is called in because a patient needs emergency surgery following an onslaught of appendicitis. Jerome calls Mike in to be the one to tell the man that he has to have the surgery immediately. The patient looks at Mike and can't believe he's a doctor because he's built like a butcher. Mike tells him that they're going to have to remove his appendix. The patient swears it's just heartburn...give him a couple of peptos and he'll be fine. Mike says he understands that the patient doesn't want to be there, but that it's imperative that they get him to the emergency room as soon as possible, because his life is now in danger. The man's still convinced that he's okay and that Mike is really a butcher. The patient leaves the room and Jerome tells Mike to go after him. Mike opens the door and the old man's standing there laughing. Jerome explains that he removed the guy's appendix seven years ago; the old geezers share a big laugh over Mike's stupidity. Jerome wants to know where the butcher thing came from, and the old man says, "You liked that? I came up with it on the bus on the way over here!" They keep chuckling while Mike plots revenge involving Jerome, a red hot poker and Jerome's puckered rectum.
Ed gets Sonia on the stand; she admits that she married Andy for love and not for a green card. Yes, she hurt him and she's sorry about that; if she had to do it all over again, she wouldn't have been a stupid little Brazilian slut dog. Ed gives the judge forty-three letters that were exchanged between Andy and Sonia and clearly show the love between them. He asks Sonia to read one short letter out loud. It reads, "Dear Andy, Thanks for making my life whole. Love Sonia." All of these letters were written after they were married, so they were still madly in love while they were composed; these were not written in order to lure Andy into some sorta Brazilian mind control scenario. Sonia declares her love for Andy once again. The opposing lawyer objects to this testimony and then comes up with a shocking Must See TV moment. The other lawyer admits that she's in love with Ed Stevens. She knows it's wrong, and this is not the time or place for such an admission, but she can't help it. She finds him sweet, smart, sexy, and sassy. She can't take her eyes off him when they're in court together and then says she loves Ed...she really, really loves him. Ed asks the judge for relevance and a restraining order. She snaps out of it and admits to Ed that words are cheap. The lawyer is convinced that Sonia married Andy for the green card and for no other reason. Ed stuffs his pecker back into his pants and sighs. Nobody's ever going to love Ed Stevens. He's lamer than Molly and that's saying something, kiddies.
Phil and Kenny are sitting in a booth at the alley. Phil says that they've been through a lot together. Kenny says it's been a wild ride, and Phil says that's the understatement of the millenium. Phil points out that their relationship is one of the greatest ones ever, stopping short of expressing their love for each other in a homosexual way, which Phil hasn't exactly ruled out. Kenny stiffens...and I mean his back, not his Kenitalia. Phil wants to play Kenny a tape of Shirley as she confesses that it was Kenny who leaked the number of gumballs. Phil produces a badly spliced copy of Shirley saying "Kenny...leaked... the...number... of...[Phil's voice] gumballs". Kenny points out that the tape is a fake, and that it was Phil who said the word "gumballs." Phil blurts, "No, it wasn't," like a little kid accused of being the one trying on his aunt's panties while everyone was outside in the back yard having a barbecue. Damn you, Mom! Damn you, Dad! I couldn't help it! I just love the feel of silk! If you had just breastfed me, Mother, I might have turned out normal! I might have...oh. Sorry. I thought I was in therapy for a moment.
At dinner that evening, Liz asks why Ed wanted her to come to Stuckeyville. Ed says that in his court case, the woman did something bad, and it got him thinking about that nasty slut he married. Liz asks whether she's supposed to apologize. Ed reminds her that it was Liz who did the Horizontal Bop with the mailman, not him. Liz said that they never talked about it because Ed just left and never called her. So she's kinda unclear on who should be apologizing, here. He says that she slept with the mailman; she corrects him, saying that she slept with "a" mailman; the guy just happened to be a mailman. She asks whether Ed ever considered why she slept with a mailman. Ed asks whether it's because she's a giant slut machine who's really slutty and she can't help her slutty self sometimes. Uhhhhh....no. It's because she was lonely. She asks Ed whether he was lonely. He can't answer the question because he's too busy thinking about how lonely he is now. She excuses herself and leaves in a huff and Ed does a happy dance because he gets to finish her filet mignon which seemed to be his M.O. all along.
Commercials. Awwww...it's that commercial where the little kid finds the old picture of his grandma playing baseball and has it blown up to give to her. He then asks, "Grandma, can you still do that?" She's under the impression that he's talking about her ability to fellate a baseball bat and says, "As long as I take my dentures out." Holy cow, I love that commercial.
Carol and Molly are walking down the hallways of the school when Jim shows up. Told ya...this guy is the Mayor of Stalkerville. Carol excuses herself to go do something "fake" like show interest in Ed or something. Jim has gotten them two tickets to the rodeo and wants the cowgirl to go with him. She says she can't...she's really exhausted. He says that's okay: he'll just check his to do list and pick sneaking out with his tail between his legs. He gives her a ticket and tells her "just in case" she feels like coming, she now has a ticket. Jim leaves; Carol walks back up to tell Molly she's quite possibly the dumbest ass in all of Dumbassland, and Molly swears she's not going to let Jim hurt her like every guy who came before him and just wanted to lose themselves in Molly's cleavage rather than slip a ring on her finger. So she's planning on staying home and watch the Who's The Boss-athon rather than go out on an actual date. I've seen every episode of Ed but one, so I'm thinking that maybe that was the episode where Molly got the lobotomy because her ignorance is really confusing my firm and supple ass.
In the alley, Phil is sharing his detective work with Kenny, Shirley, and Ed. He goes on a long spiel about who might have done it and what their motives were. Ed says he has to go to court and Phil snaps, "In due time!" Using his process of Philimination, there was one person who had everything to gain by giving away free bowling; Phil shines a small penlight into Kenny's face. Kenny looks annoyed and punchy. He shines the light at Shirley, who squints. He gets to Ed, who calmly says, "You don't know anything, do you?" Phil meekly replies, "No." Liz shows up in the alley and Ed thanks her for coming, to which she replied, "I faked it." Ed apologizes for acting like a giant asscake the night before, and asks her to come to court with him. She agrees to do it only because the Who's The Boss-athon just ended. Plus, there might be some hot mailmen there whose bags she can fondle.
In his office, Dr. Jerome's going over the Miller results, and sighs. Mike walks in, says he got Jerome's memo about accompanying him to visit some shut-ins, and says he doesn't want to go with Jerome, so he'll pass on the humiliation. Jerome tells Mike to suit himself. Mike sees this as reverse psychology; Jerome says it isn't reverse psychology, and that Mike should go on home if he wants. Mike decides that he had better go with Jerome. I'm starting to think Mike suffered a traumatic brain injury on the same episode where Molly got the lobotomy, because he's about as bright as a doorknob. Mike and Jerome get to the home of an elderly couple. The woman remembers little Mikey Burton as a great paperboy that she always thought was a lot like a young James Caan. The man gets up to go to the kitchen and get everyone some drinks and beef jerky. Jerome seizes the opportunity to quietly tell the woman that her last tests came back and they don't look good. The medicines and treatments aren't working like they had hoped they would. The woman sighs and says that she's been hoping for the best, while her husband has been hoping for a miracle. Jerome pulls out an envelope and says that he has prepared some stuff for her death -- funeral arrangements, etc. She smiles and says that for thirty years, he told her how to live, and now he's telling her how to die. We see the absolute softest side of Dr. Jerome that we will probably ever see. And...I don't mind saying this, but I fucking lost it like a baby in a meat grinder. Tears rolled down my face at the sweetness of this one scene. All of the Dr. Jerome naysayers had to be kicking themselves when they saw the humanity this guy exhibited. And as he did it, it was almost like that's how he had been acting the entire duration of the show. I was hard-pressed to imagine him as anything other than a kindly old doctor. Mike absorbs the scene and realizes that maybe it would be a good thing if he read those binders a little more closely. Maybe so, Michael. Then maybe you can be a caring, loving soul like Dr. Jerome. You shaved ape, you.
In the courtroom, Ed tells Liz to have a seat while he goes to be a lawyer. Carol sees Liz and introduces herself. Liz asks how Ed's doing, and Carol says he's doing really well. The judge is ready for the closing statements. Ed pulls up a chair in front of Andy and his lawyer. He tells Andy that he was hoping they could talk. The judge reminds Ed that he's now behind Ed, and Ed says that he'll speak loudly and clearly. Ed tells Andy that when he's done talking, the judge is going to make a decision on why Sonia married Andy. He says that if Andy sends Sonia to Brazil, that's Andy's mistake. Ed doesn't know whether they're meant to be, but he knows that Andy needs to be sure about what he's doing because he will have to live with it for the rest of his life. Liz smiles and the audience sits there and thinks, "Awww...what a sweet woman!" Then we realize she's making goo-goo eyes at the judge and circling her lips with her tongue, wanting desperately to slobber all over his chuck steak.
The judge says that he believes Sonia married for love, but it doesn't matter what he believes since they live in a no-fault state. So he has to grant the divorce. But he won't do that for another six months. He says that in six months, if Andy still wants Sonia out of his life, she gets a ham sandwich and a one-way ticket to Brazil. Court adjourned. Sonia thanks Ed and says that at least now they have a chance to work things out. Carol tells Ed that he did a good job; she met Liz and she thinks Liz is a keeper. It's kinda odd that Carol told Molly that Jim's a keeper and then told Ed that Liz is a keeper. It's almost like Ms. Vessey is looking to pair everyone else up so that she can be free to latch onto that man of her dreams. Is this a sign of things to come between her and a certain Principal Jackass? Hmmmmm. Ed says that it looks like the green-eyed monster's come out to play. I thought he meant jealousy at first, but then I realized he could just as easily been referring to his unwashed penis.
Ahhhh...the return of the show's musical montage. Phil is setting out a sign declaring Friday night as Disco Night. All sorts of wacky disco lighting is set up in the bowling alley and Phil happens to look overhead at the clear plastic box with the number of gumballs written on it. Under fluorescent light, the number 1,389 is clear as a bell. So THAT'S how people figured it out! I've gotta tell ya, I was leaning toward Kenny trading the number out for cheap sex from teenage boys. I guess I'm kinda glad that he's not the slimeball I had imagined him to be. Meanwhile, Molly's sitting at home watching TV and staring at the rodeo ticket. Finally, she says, "Screw it," picks up the ticket, puts on her ten-gallon hat, and runs out of the house to go meet Jim at the rodeo and avoid getting sprayed with bullshit from the arena floor. Nancy is shown with the Evil Baby Sarah on her lap to Mike, who's poring over Jerome's binders, finally understanding that maybe Jerome was right and not just a sadistic Nazi bastard bent on destroying Mike's well-being. Nahhhh. The montage ends with Liz and Ed getting ready to bowl a game. Ed's glad she's staying an extra day. Liz thanks him for what he said in court, and says that it meant a lot to her. Ed admits that it meant a lot to him as well. She says she's sorry. Ed asks her what would have happened if he had never left. She says, "What if I hadn't...." and then she stops herself before concluding, "...ever let a mailman use me like a paper towel?" Ed says, "Maybe we should bowl," and they bowl as the screen fades to black.
Holy Hell, what a boring-assed episode. I had a feeling it was going to be lame when I read the synopsis, but this was worse than it sounded. None of the storylines held my interest, and the only time I was affected by the show was when Jerome was telling the old lady she was dying. And normally, I hate old people with a passion that I usually reserve for Taliban terrorists. Maybe I was crying from the hand cramps that were setting in from scrawling notes for an hour. I dunno. I do know that the show was lacking a great deal of humor this week, and that's reflected in my boring-assed recap. For anybody who made it this far and wants a refund, see Glark at the door and he'll gladly refund your money. Who knows? Maybe someday we'll look back at this episode and be able to pinpoint exactly when Ed jumped the shark.
Oops. week Carol kisses Principal Jackass. Looks like we'll be strangling the shark by this time week.