“ The theme song from Hell begins. This week, I can't decide if it sounds more like somebody having his ribcage sawed open with a rusted chainsaw while strapped to a gurney in a haunted house, or if it sounds more like Shelley Winters screaming for help while trapped in a bathtub with rats crawling out of the faucet. ”
We open this can of worms with Mike and Ed strolling down the happenin' streets of Stuckeyville. They run across a man in a chicken suit standing in the town square with a sign hawking a local restaurant's fried chicken. Mike bets Ed $6 he won't go hug the chicken. Ed reminds Mike that the time-honored traditional wager is $10. Mike sheepishly says that he only has $6 in his pocket. Ed asks him if he's Boxcar Willie, King of the Homos. Oops...sorry...he said "Hobos." I thought that was kinda odd, because I didn't remember Boxcar Willie being particularly obsessed with the gentlemen in his day. The two banter back and forth as Ed clearly will not hug a chicken for anything less than ten bucks. Ed -- quickly realizing that, as a successful bowling alley lawyer, he does in fact have $10 to his name -- performs a never before seen twist on the $10 bet and turns it around, betting Mike that he won't go hug the chicken. Maybe this was Mike's idea all along, because the large-foreheaded lummox approaches the chicken and puts his arms around the chicken's head, holding it close to his chest. You know...if I'm not mistaken...it almost looks like Mike is...choking the chicken. I'm wondering if Mike has ever choked the chicken in public. I bet he has. I bet he's gripped that chicken in his hand and choked the life out of it before. Probably right there in the town square. Mike's weird that way. Ed starts laughing as the chicken tells Mike to please stop touching him. Mike really should have choked the chicken. Now I'm going to be preoccupied with a missed opportunity for the several hours as I write this recap. God help me.
Opening credits. The theme song from Hell begins. This week, I can't decide if it sounds more like somebody having his ribcage sawed open with a rusted chainsaw while strapped to a gurney in a haunted house, or if it sounds more like Shelley Winters screaming for help while trapped in a bathtub with rats crawling out of the faucet. I'll get back to you on that.
Commercials. Hey, it's a new Disney video just in time for the holidays: Mickey Contracts Spina Bifida Like That Creepy Sister Chick In Pet Sematary! Woohoo! An instant family classic!
“ You know...whatever happened to the original rule where you had to bowl three games before the bowling alley lawyer would even look your way? Are those days over? Has that stipulation been dropped? What this show so desperately needs (besides a theme song that doesn't make your lungs bleed) is more bowling. ”
We return from commercials to find the staff of the Stuckey Bowl sitting near a fishbowl full of gumballs and doing some calculations on calculators -- except Phil, who's using an abacus. They've all come to the conclusion that there are 1,389 gumballs in the fishbowl. As it turns out, Phil has decided to run a contest which would find customers guessing the number of gumballs, with the closest guesser winning a free month of bowling. You can tell this is Phil's idea, because Ed's head is shaking like Katharine Hepburn on an antique tractor. Phil writes the number down on a piece of paper and puts it inside a clear plastic box hanging over the shoe rental desk; he describes it as an "impregnable box of mystery." He gives Ed the key and names Ed the Keymaster, which is a step up from Ed's position as the Cockmaster, but only Kenny, Shirley, and Phil really know about the promotion. Carol walks in with an illegal immigrant under her arm. You know, in this day and time, the last thing we need in Stuckeyville is one more potential terrorist, Ms. Vessey. The gal's name is Sonia; Carol is tutoring her in English. Sonia's got that whole Sonia Braga look going for her. Carol needs Ed to talk to her about some legal issues. You know...whatever happened to the original rule where you had to bowl three games before the bowling alley lawyer would even look your way? Are those days over? Has that stipulation been dropped? What this show so desperately needs (besides a theme song that doesn't make your lungs bleed) is more bowling. Phil decides to turn his Sleaze-o-meter to 11, and starts babbling softly to Sonia in a language that's part Spanish, part French, and all ignorant. He slowly goes to kiss the back of her hand, and she recoils in horror as though he has spiders in his mouth. Phil opens up the neck of his shirt to see if maybe the sight of his pale and hairless chest will turn her on. It doesn't. Ed guides Sonia into his office, and Carol stops to make pissy eyes at Phil for acting like an idiot. Phil shoves that same look right back at Carol. I smell fireworks between them. I'll bet by the end of the season, Phil and Carol will have done the nasty at least once.
Sonia gets to the meat of her problem: her husband wants a divorce from her. "Why would anyone want a divorce from a hot Latina mama like yourself?" Ed asks, while stroking his own inner thighs gently. Because her husband found...this! She whips out a magazine and hands it to Ed. Awesome! Porno finally comes to Stuckeyville! I grab the baby oil and nipple clamps and prepare for a Self-Love Fest just as Ed opens the magazine. Oh. Crap. It's a mail-order bride catalogue with no nudity. I shamefully put the baby oil and nipple clamps back in the nightstand drawer and bide my time, praying that maybe tonight a tampon commercial will come on. Apparently, Sonia's wacky friends in Brazil talked her into putting her name and likeness in the catalogue in order to get out of Brazil, which is a ploy that the gals in Brooklyn may want to look into. It was a secret she had kept from her husband, and now that he found it, he thinks she only married him for a green card and not for love. She "loves" her husband, and doesn't want a divorce. Ed asks her whether she wants to stay in the country. She says it's nice, but New York is where she'd rather stay. She gets allergic smelling hay. She just adores a penthouse view. Darling, she loves her husband but give her Park Avenue. Ed explains that what he meant was does she want to stay in America. She laughs a big hearty manly laugh and says that what she wants is to stay married. Ed thinks about it for a second and then says that he can't help her because he doesn't handle divorce cases. Oh. But he's more than happy to defend teenagers who bring alcohol to parties and get everyone drunk or sleazy suit pimps who force their employees to dress like crack whores to make more money. But divorce cases? Hey...gotta draw the line somewhere, Señorita.
“ Molly says there's no need to apologize; after all, it was just a kiss. This takes Jim aback, and he asks whether vichyssoise is 'just' a soup. Molly doesn't know what to say, because she's not a big connoisseur of soups that sound like they're made of fish schlongs. ”
Molly's sitting at her school desk shuffling papers, trying at least to look like she's earning a paycheck when Jim walks in with a plush stuffed bowling pin. I'm beginning to think Jim may be the most insane stalker ever introduced on television. Molly wants to know what this is, because apparently she hasn't seen many furry stuffed bowling pins in her life. Jim tells her that originally he thought it was a great gift, except he just walked past two hundred boys while carrying it, and one of them called him a "gork". He wants to know whether that's the new slang term kids are using these days. Molly says no -- they normally use something that ends in "ucker" for guys like Jim. Jim apologizes for not calling Molly, but his work has been non-stop. Molly says there's no need to apologize; after all, it was just a kiss. This takes Jim aback, and he asks whether vichyssoise is "just" a soup. Molly doesn't know what to say, because she's not a big connoisseur of soups that sound like they're made of fish schlongs. Jim changes the subject, which makes me happy because I didn't want to have to keep looking up the spellings of fancy soup names. Jim asks Molly to go out with him; she mentally checks her social calendar, which is full of blank spaces until she gets to Christmas Eve which has the words "Dinner at Ma's" scrawled on it. She agrees to go out with Jim. He gets giddy and tells her it's a surprise as to where he's taking her. My guess is the Smiling Goat to watch another of Jim's buddies try to eat thirty burgers in one sitting. That Jim...he's one romantic sonofabitch.
Back in the alley, Carol asks Ed what "that" was all about, when he refused to help Sonia. Ed says he can't be a part of what's going on here. Carol reminds Ed that if he doesn't defend Sonia, she'll be kicked out of America. Because, as we all know, Ed is the only lawyer in the country. Finally, it hits Carol like a ton of bricks: Ed won't take the case because he's still not over his ex-wife, Liz. Carol explains to Ed that he can't relive the divorce through this court case. Ed says "Fine, Dr... Dr..." Carol decides to help. "Freud?" she says. "Too obvious," he says. "Kildare?" she offers. "Too gay," he says. "Mark Greene," she counters. "Too bald," he replies. Carol tires of the Doctor game and reminds Ed that Sonia really wants him to save her marriage. Carol lovingly puts her hand on Ed's shoulder. Ed pops a boner from having a female actually touch him, and says he'll do it...but what's in it for him? Carol says, "Name it." Ed says, "Bear my children." Carol asks whether he'll settle for a Velamint. Ed says, "Absolutely." I'm willing to bet that if he had just asked for hot sex rather than children, he would have knocked one in the outfield rather than striking out. Yes, the World Series is over and I'm still making baseball references. I'm Johnny McTimely, oh yes I am.
Closure
“ Molly calls Jim a 'gork' because apparently she was hoping to meet Fire Boy as well. Jim responds to this slur by circling in like a vulture and then slurping all over Molly's mouth like she had an errant fish hook lodged in her tonsils. ”
So Molly's jamming on one of the vintage arcade games with Jim breathing down her neck. She gets the balls to ask what the second big perk is to dating a guy in the amusement business. He says that if she plays her cards right, he'll introduce her to Arnold Skee. Gin Rummy! I get all giddy, thinking we're going to have a special guest appearance from the Skee Man when Molly ruins the moment by asking who Arnold Skee was. I'm seconds away from throwing my shoe at the TV screen at Molly's utter ignorance when Jim says that Skee invented Skee Ball. Oh. Well hell. I thought we were talking about the guy that dove face first into the fire on last season's Survivor. Well, who the hell wants to meet the inventor of Skee Ball? Way to dash some hopes there, Jimmy Boy. Maybe time you can introduce her to the guy who invented cheese-flavored toothpaste. (That would be yours truly. I'm still working on getting the idea off the ground, so bear with me. In the meantime, just use Cheese Whiz.) Molly calls Jim a "gork" because apparently she was hoping to meet Fire Boy as well. Jim responds to this slur by circling in like a vulture and then slurping all over Molly's mouth like she had an errant fish hook lodged in her tonsils. Y'know...I'm beginning to think we may have finally found a man for ol' Molly. Those long and depressing nights of sexually frustrated dalliances with vegetables are just about over for Molly. I say it's time to throw out the pickle, girlfriend...it looks like you're about to get you some Grade A man-beef smothered in some creamy delicious Jimmy Sauce!
In the meantime, Carol Vessey, the poster child for frigidity, sashays into Ed's office. She wants to know what Ed's doing, and Ed coldly replies, "Trying to find a way to stop this divorce." Ouch, Eddie. Pull the claws back in before you hurt somebody. Carol has brought some photo albums of Sonia and her husband Andy, along with a pillow that Sonia made specifically for her husband's lumbar region. Ed sighs and says there's not much he can do with that other than use it as a masturbatory prop. Is it just me or is Ed being one giant pissy bear this week? Carol tries to look on the bright side and tells Ed that he could at least use these items to prove that Sonia married for love. She thinks that these photos and pillows can help tell the woman's story better than any VH1 special. If Ed brings these out in court and put Sonia on the stand, there won't be a dry eye in the house as she tells her story. Ed says that Sonia is not going on the stand. Carol's shocked. She wants to know why Ed wouldn't put Sonia on the stand. It takes a few moments of silence before the dimwit finally gets it. "You don't believe her," Carol accuses. Ed points out that once the judge sees the Mail Order Bride catalogue, he won't believe her, either. Carol asks when was the last time that Ed spoke to his ex-wife, and whether he ever let her explain her side of the story. Ed says that he hasn't spoken to her since he caught her banging the mailman like a snare drum. Carol begs Ed to read the letters, since they may change his mind. Ed asks what's in it for him. Carol says anything his little heart could want. Ed asks for some hot monkey lovin'. Carol agrees. They throw everything off the desk and have sex right there, right in front of God and everybody. Man. It was some damned good sex too. I needed a cigarette afterward and I don't even smoke. Yep. Damned good sex. If you blinked, you missed it, because they barreled head on into some...
Closure
“ If I were a woman, I would soooo let Phil treat me like a dirty whore. A dirty, dirty whore. I love that man. I want to get a sex change and have his babies. ”
...commercials. Folger's has a new commercial which features a boy band singing the praises of coffee. Yeah, guys. That'll really fly with the twelve-year-olds. There's very little that pre-teens find sexier than a boy band member pounding down cup after cup of java like a dehydrated man in a desert. Oh yeah. That'll get the underoos just a-steaming.
Back in the alley, Kenny, Shirley, and Phil are sitting in a booth nervously twiddling their thumbs. Ed shows up to explain that they now have a total of twenty-two winners in the "Guess The Gumballs Game." Phil smiles and says, "Well, shave my poodle!" which is a phrase that I think he got off the back of an MBTV t-shirt that has been discontinued due to poor sales. Thanks a heap, guys. Thanks for supporting me and my snarky recaps, you rat bastards. Hey, I'm over it...the fact that nobody bought my shirts. But man...don't ever ask me to buy one of your shirts, pally. I'll laugh so hard in your face, you'll think you just channeled the spirit of the late great Victor Borge. Ed wants to know what the big question is here. Shirley suggests it's why has nobody ever pointed out that the theme song for that psychedelic kids show from the '70s, The Banana Splits, is the same as Bob Marley's "Buffalo Soldier." I wasn't quite sure myself, so I downloaded both songs off the web, listened to them both, and now I have an insatiable desire to smoke copious amounts of ganja and drop acid. Which is not a bad thing. It's a good thing. Ed's convinced that somebody shared the winning number of gumballs with people, and he wants to know who. Naturally, my money's on Phil. With as many hotties running around da 'Ville and with Phil being perpetually horny, I'm sure if they bothered to look, every winner of a free month of bowling is bleached blonde with nothing less than a D cup. Rather than research the matter, though, Ed declares that there will no longer be any contests. Phil snaps and says that he's going to get to the bottom of this since there's a chicken in the henhouse, and somebody here is a mole. Ed tries to correct Phil and tells him the expression is "a fox in the henhouse." Phil says, "Fox in the henhouse...that's good. I'll have to remember that one." If I were a woman, I would soooo let Phil treat me like a dirty whore. A dirty, dirty whore. I love that man. I want to get a sex change and have his babies. I'd let him treat me oh so bad and I'd love every minute of it.