This week, we kick things off in the bowling alley, where Phil, Kenny, and Shirley are preparing for the First Annual Stuckey Bowl Halloween Bowling Bash by stuffing a full-sized dummy. Shirley -- talking faster than a speed freak on a sugar buzz -- is telling the men about a Halloween costume she once wore that was supposed to be a Slinky; it consisted of a gray sweatsuit covered in aluminum foil. Eventually, the foil fell off, and Shirley was left in a gray sweatsuit, making the whole situation "degrading." Kenny admits that he doesn't care for Halloween, and that it's a holiday for kids, although the gays probably like it as well. Phil gasps and tells Kenny that he just "jumped the shark" which is a slang term used to determine the exact moment in which a certain television show begins its decline. Like when The Brady Bunch brought Cousin Oliver on board. Or the episode of Ellen when Ellen Degeneres announced she was gay. Or when Emeril's opening credits started on his series debut a few weeks ago. Ed busts all up in the scene and says he's taking the First Annual Stuckey Bowl Halloween Bowling Bash to the level; this perplexes Shirley. Since it was the inaugural bash, how can it be taken to the level? Easy Shirley...eeeasy. If you cram many more brain cells into that thought process, they're liable to spill out of your ears and onto the floor. Ed has hired Dr. Crazy to perform. Phil gasps again, and asks Ed if he's "strudeling" Phil. Ed insists that he's not "strudeling" Phil. Kenny's never heard of the Crazy Doctor, and needs clarification as to what sort of character he should expect at the bash. Phil asks "Lurch" what rock he's been living under, and Ed tells him that Dr. Crazy is a kid's show television host who's practically a legend in Stuckeyville. Kenny admits that he watches nothing but the PAX network. The three employees finish with their "scary monster" dummy, who's wearing a patch on his shirt that reads "Ed." "Is this how I look to you?" Ed asks them. A moment of silence passes until Shirley says, "Yes."
Opening credits roll as the most depressing television theme song ever recorded plays in the background. I've decided that there's an entire list of tunes that the producers could have commissioned that would have been better than this hog snot they've been shoving at us for four episodes straight now. "Seasons In The Sun" isn't nearly as depressing. Alice Cooper's "I Love The Dead" is more upbeat and positive than this car wreck of a theme song. Even "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" is better suited for the show. If they couldn't get the rights to any of those songs, they could have flashed a message up for thirty seconds saying "Please jam hypodermic needles into your eardrums until the commercials begin." Anything's better than what they're bombarding us with.
After some less than memorable commercials, we find Ed, Molly, Mike, and Nancy enjoying a little lunch at one of Stuckeyville's finest bistros when the subject twists its way to Molly's love life. Molly's convinced that Jim didn't come to her birthday party because he's intimidated by her intense sexuality. I choked on my Diet Dr. Pepper as I watched her say this with a straight face. Ed informs her that Jim will be by soon to upgrade the bowling alley's pinsetters, and that Molly should give him another chance. Molly insists that it wasn't meant to be. Always the entrepreneur, Mike offers Ed $10 if he'll ask the waitress to wrap up his last French fry to take home with him. The waitress comes by and Ed meekly asks for a doggie bag for his fry. The waitress stares at him, waiting for him to bust out laughing, but the only ones busting out laughing are the show's writers, who are probably tittering madly and punching each other in the shoulder over their latest attempt to flog a dead horse. Finally, the waitress takes the plate back to the kitchen to have Ed's fry wrapped. This is the same waitress who has been privvy to other ten-dollar bets from the boys, including the infamous "Burger Me" bet and the "Dr. Seuss" bet. Hey, Ed: I'll bet you $10 the waitress spits on your food every time you come into the joint.
Back at the alley, Phil and Ed are decorating the place and doing some incredibly lame impressions of Dr. Crazy when Dr. Crazy and his assistant walk through the door. Phil and Ed immediately freak out like kindergarteners and straighten their hair as they go to meet the master. Dr. Crazy couldn't be less enthusiastic if he tried. Ed points out that Dr. Crazy is bald and doesn't have crazy hair like he does on the show, which prompts Crazy to calmly state, in a tone that is normally reserved for coma patients, that the wacky hair is part of his costume. Dr. Crazy is a made-up character, while the actor portraying him...is not. The guy clearly needs some extra lithium in his diet, because he's about as lively as Styrofoam. He tells Bob, his assistant, that he "can't do this," then walks away from the group to go sit in a booth and put his head down on the table. His actions remind me of when I was a child and Daddy would come home late from the race track smelling like a brewery explosion and not want to play "Go Fish" with me because his "goddamned head hurt." Ed asks Bob if there's something wrong with Dr. Crazy, and Bob says that Crazy's wife just left him for a chocolatier. "A choco-what?" Phil asks. "He's a maker and seller of fine chocolate," Bob explains slowly. Phil nods like he understands and then says, "A choco-what?" Ed's humiliated that he has the world's most dense human being as his bowling-alley manager.
Meanwhile, at the high school, MegaMark and Warren are breaking into Molly's classroom to steal some of her Dexatrim for a cheap buzz. Sorry...that was a cheap shot and I'm really trying to cut back on the cheap shots in this recap because some of them are offensive. And I'm trying to be politically correct, in order not to offend the more sensitive readers of these recaps because that's what Mighty Big TV is generally known for: sensitive recaps for sensitive readers. Let's start over again, shall we?
Meanwhile, at the high school, MegaMark and Warren are breaking into Molly's classroom to steal her hidden stash of Crisco in order to grease MegaMark's hips down so he can squeeze into a toilet stall and take a twelve-pound dump. Actually, Warren is rearranging the seating chart so that Jessica Martell will be Warren's lab partner while MegaMark stands guard in the doorway and distracts any curious passerbys with his Megawheezing. Warren's plan is then unfolded carefully like a linen napkin: if he manages to get Jessica Martell sitting to him all year long, she will have no choice but to succumb to the Cheswick Charm, dump the quarterback of the football team, and fall madly in love with Warren, at which point they'll run off to Hawaii where they will live happily ever after. Oh. And have lots of unprotected sex and make guttural sounds like retarded monkeys. MegaMark tells Warren that he's "incompetent," and then declares a snack time after that massive verbal workout.
At the bowling alley, the First Annual Halloween Bash and Road Apple Toss is in full swing as Kenny and Shirley greet revelers in their Sonny and Cher garb. Seriously, these two need to get a room. The sexual tension is so thick that you could cut it with a spork. As Molly, Carol, and Nancy walk up, they're greeted by Jim, the guy who left Molls hanging two episodes ago by not showing up at her birthday party. Molly makes introductions all around, and they ask what Jim's doing there. He's currently locked in a death battle with a pinsetter and took a short break to come out and drool all over Molly's impressive chest o' drawers. Carol and Nancy go inside and both give Molly a thumbs-up behind Jim's back while Jim desperately tries to make eye contact with Molly but is swayed by the magnificent Hudson Hooters. They exchange niceties; Jim asks how her party went and says he's sorry that he didn't show up. Molly, always on the defensive, asks, "You were invited?" Jim says that Ed had invited him, and that he just couldn't make it that evening because he was out whore-humpin'. Molly says there's always year, and Jim says he won't make the same mistake twice. Apparently, he must have heard the pretty strong rumor that Molly got toasted and danced seductively for those in attendance or something, because Jim's acting like he missed the apocalypse. Kenny walks up to the couple; he tells Molly that he noticed she didn't come in costume, and that he and Shirley could really use a Chastity Bono if she were so inclined to help make their costumes complete. Which is a worse slur than anything I've ever dished to Molls on a silver platter. Chastity Bono is not only obese, but she's a staunch lesbian. Kenny basically insinuated that Molly is an obese lesbian. You see, people?! It's not just me lobbing painful accusations Molly's way. Her own damned friends are jibber-jabbering at her and trying to make her cry in public. Molly declines the offer, and doesn't even mention the hurtful accusation. Meanwhile, I just had four more emails sent in my direction claiming I'm a bigot. Tell ya what...let me cover myself in creamy vanilla frosting so you can all eat me, hokay?
In the alley, kids are all gathered in a big group in anticipation of meeting the one and only Dr. Crazy. A man asks Ed what he's supposed to be; Ed announces that he's supposed to be Alex Trebek. The man points out that Alex recently shaved his mustache while Ed still maintains a gray, bushy, engorged-caterpillar-like fuzz magnet slinking across his upper lip. Ed looks devastated that his costume is so out of style. After Bob the assistant whips the kids into a salivating frenzy, Dr. Crazy bounds out to meet the guests and do his schtick. "Oh boy! Am I thirsty!" Dr. Crazy says, as he drinks one of his many potions. The kids laugh at him as he drinks some kinda nasty-assed chemical sludge, and then says his trademark line: "I'm Dr. Crazy!" before mumbling, "And what a picnic this is." Dr. Crazy is quite possibly the most deranged and depressed doctor ever shown on television unless you count Dr. Jeffrey Dahmer.
After the fun-filled Crazy appearance, Ed and Crazy are talking. Crazy's telling Ed that the stuff won't stain his floor. Ed tells him he has to get Crazy's check, and Crazy says, "Oh yeah." Ed asks if Crazy's okay, and Crazy assures Ed that he's on top of the world. A young boy dressed as Dr. Crazy comes up to Crazy and asks him for an autograph. The boy's name is Wally and he thinks Crazy is awesome. Crazy tells Wally that he's not awesome -- he sucks; he asks the kid whether he knows what "abyss" means. The kid doesn't, and Crazy tells him that it's an immeasurably deep chasm, depth, or void. The kid's still about as clueless as Mariah Carey watching a Disney flick, so Crazy tells the kid to look it up. The kid then starts babbling that he's just started at a new school and the other kids think he's a loser and they fill his underwear with hot tar and give him wedgies and his parents don't understand him and blah blah blah fishcakes. Crazy tells Wally that life doesn't get any better, and that the biggest favor the kid can ever do for himself is to hightail it out of Stuckeyville on the bus out of town because once you're labeled a loser, that's gonna stick. Wally absorbs Crazy's advice like a sponge and walks away slowly, obviously not understanding the meaning of the word "hightail." Ed walks up; Crazy shrugs and says, "He wanted my autograph." Ed smells something fishy and yet...Molly's nowhere to be found.
Commercials. Did you know that there's a canned soup out there for the hoity-toity folk? Sure is, and it's called "Progresso." You still eat that Campbell's Chicken and Stars shit?! What's up with that? Are you still a baby? Do you still cap off your filet mignon with some Gerber's Strained Carrots? Hell no, you don't. And you sure as hell don't need to be eating Campbell's Soup when there's an adult soup out there. Christ. What's wrong with you people? We're talking chunkier meat, fresher vegetables, and a broth that will positively kick your ass and nail it to the wall! Eat Progresso Soups, you pantywaists! Don't make them have to run this commercial again.
So anyway...we're back in Molly's classroom, where Molly's reading out the seating charts for the year. She gets to Warren's table line-up. Starting for the Dweebs is Warren "Not a Hair On My" Cheswick. Playing tackle will be MegaMark Hmmuhfummuh. (I can't remember his last name and don't really want to exert any effort in researching it. This is my ass. Bite it. Bite it hard. Bite it long.) And serving as cheerleader...you know her, you love her...it's...it's...it's...well, it sure as hell ain't Jessica Martell. Ladies and gentlemen...Warren's tablemate is Diane Somebodyorother! Yes, apparently Molly caught on to Warren's little scam and rather than have the mischievous little imp thrown out of school for tampering with school property, she just put the boys with a girl who may not be the most attractive girl in school...she may not be the prom queen...but dammit...there's something special about this girl and these boys are going to LEARN that! Warren decides that being lumped with the class tards isn't going to hold him back. It didn't hold back Sir Edgar Mallory when he climbed Mt. Everest. MegaMark corrects him by saying it was Sir Edward Mallory. Diane corrects them both with "Sir Edmund Hillary," and tells Warren that he will have a better chance of climbing Mt. Everest than he ever will of wearing Jessica's panties on his head. MegaMark wants to know how Diane knew about Warren's undying dedication to the Martell Machine. Diane says she's a psychic. Warren says he's in Hell, yet there's no Bonnie Hane anywhere. Diane says that when she found out she was going to be sharing a table for a year with the two biggest jackasses in school (if you don't count the principal), she wasn't exactly throwing a parade. MegaMark tells her to not lump him in with Warren; MegaMark's just a man of science. No, bud. You're an oddity of science. A freak of nature. I'll bet you $10 you can't find your penis.
A side note if you will -- and if you won't, just skip on down to the paragraph and let me pontificate for a few moments. Has anyone ever thought to figure out that the teens are just junior editions of the main characters? The teens are going through the same trials and tribulations that the adults did in high school. I've always thought Warren was a young Ed. But now I realize that Jessica is Carol, MegaMark is Mike, and now Diane is Molly. Think about it. Get back with me on it. Pop quiz on Friday.
At the bowling alley, Ed and Jim are having a lighthearted yet stimulating conversation about bowling when Phil makes the heartbreaking announcement that Wally Loser has been missing for thirty-six hours. Ed springs into action and says he's going to go talk to Dr. Crazy. Christ. This is starting to sound like a recap of Smallville or something.
Ed gets to the TV studio, where Bob is trying to get Dr. Crazy to eat some test tubes. Crazy doesn't want to eat any test tubes; he's been down that road before, and if you've ever experienced shitting ground-up glass, you'd probably pass on the whole affair, too. Ed tells Crazy that Wally Loser is missing. Crazy has no idea who that is, and Ed tells him he's the kid who asked for his autograph at the First Annual Stuckey Bowl Halloween Bowling Bash...now on video and DVD with extra added bonus features. Crazy recalls the kid and says that the kid's disappearance has nothing to do with him. For the record, Gary Condit pops into the scene and announces his innocence as well. Ed needs to know what Crazy told the kid, and Crazy says he was in a bad mood, and told the kid that life would never get better for him and that if the kid had a hair on his balls, he'd take off on the bus to Happyville and become a crack dealer. Bob asks Crazy whether he'd rather eat a beaker, and then takes a bite out of it to show Crazy its texture. Crazy's obviously a disgruntled test-tube-eating children's television host as he walks away.
Over at the Smiling Goat, Molly, Carol, Nancy, and Mike are sitting at a table when Molly and Carol decide to leave and go back to Carol's place for some hot lesbian action. Mike tells them that it's rude to leave when someone's beer isn't finished. Being rude is a fate worse than death in Stuckeyville, so the two decide to sit and watch as Mike sips his beer, obviously either stalling for time or nursing an alcohol-soaked liver problem. Here's a shocker: Traveling Bowling Paraphernalia Salesman Jim shows up. Molly freaks and asks Mike whether Ed told him Jim was coming there. Mike says he's just a man enjoying a beer. Jim walks over to the booth and Carol asks Jim to join them, telling Molly to "scoot over." Molly scoots over and Jim takes a seat. I'm hypnotized by Molly's cleavage and fade in and out of consciousness for the rest of the week.
Molly and Jim are playing darts. Jim tells Molly that he has a really weird ability that he doesn't brag about much. Molly draws up a mental image of the guy parting his hair with his tongue, but it's not that weird. Jim turns his back to the dartboard and grins. "You're not going to split that dart," she says. He tells her to relax and just be impressed. He throws a dart and it misses the dartboard. Throws another one with the same result. "You have to do it seven...eight hundred times first," he smiles. Molly's heart melts. I'm pissed that the guy didn't split the dart.
MegaMark and Warren are at the bowling alley. Warren's bowling while MegaMark has a stack of Scratch 'n' Win cards in front of him, scratching crud off and trying to win a speedboat. This is MegaMark's idea of a physical workout. Warren is lamenting his bad luck with Jessica when an idea that is so spectacular comes to him. "What's the biggest thing in town?" he asks MegaMark. "My ass on a hot day?" MegaMark answers in the quote of the week. Nope. It's the Stuckeyville Pep Rally...or as Warren now refers to it, "Warren Cheswick's Coming-Out Party." He's going to steal the Fozzkat's thunder. He's going to steal the mic and rock the hizzy. He's going to go so over the top that there's a good chance he'll be asked to be the Homecoming King. Or maybe the jocks will hold him down, cover his face with makeup, force him into a dress from Goodwill, and make him the reluctant Homecoming Queen in an event that will scar him for life. Either way, he's going to get noticed, baby!
Jim is walking Molly home when Molly asks Jim why he always looks so happy. Jim says he was born with a happy face and that he's very happy now, meaning that he's entranced by the Hudson Hooters. Molly thanks Jim for not letting her go home early, and he thanks her for wearing a low-cut sweater. They stare at each other outside her house. All of a sudden, rather than kissing her, Jim flips out and says he's gotta go because it's really late. It's uhhhh...bye. I haven't seen a love scene this uncomfortable since that made for television cinematic classic Growing Up Brady when Robert Reed was forced to kiss Florence Henderson in a long and passionate closed-mouth kiss that looked more like Reed was kissing a refrigerator. Maybe Jim's gay. I'll bet you $10 Jim's a Robert Reed. Ten bucks. Any takers?
Ed's bowling in the alley after hours when Molly walks in. Ed asks what she's doing there, and she announces that she came to rob the place. Ed tackles her head-on and pins both her hands behind her back, slipping the cuffs on her. She admits it was a joke. He takes the handcuffs off and apologizes for her bruised kidney. She says her date with Jim went great; she got the goodnight handshake. Ouch. Her lipstick's still intact. Double ouch. Ed says that maybe Jim didn't pick up on her estrogen vibe. She says he knew she was hot and horny for his bones since she was as subtle as Don Knotts. Ed reaches back into his bag of lame excuses why men don't want to kiss Molly Hudson and says that sometimes guys panic. Molly starts to cry. She says she's jumped the gun on this one, too; she's seen this happen way too many times: "I like you...but..." She's had too many handshakes and too many walks home alone. She is resigned to the fact that this is all she gets and deserves. Ed holds her as she sobs. I scratch my inner ear with the tip of my pen and wonder if I've been too hard on Molly lately. Then I quickly remember that Molly is a "television character" and the actress playing Molly was hired for her build because the producers were looking for a woman who was overweight but had a great personality because it's someone on whom they can build a foundation of emotions. And that the actress playing Molly is secretly crying all the way to the bank as she cashes checks for each episode that are at least double what I make a year. And I realize that Molly's not the one that needs to be sobbing here...I'm the one who needs to be soaking Kleenex. Because I get a buttload of hate mail each week telling me to be nicer to a TV character from people who obviously have trouble distinguishing real life from television life. I'm the one who has a backlog of emails from people all across the country who think I'm Satan Smith because I pick on a television character. Where is the justice?
By the way, all of you who have ragged me lately for my disparaging remarks against a fictitious television character: seriously, go to your local bank, take out a loan, and purchase a life. Scarlett O'Hara was a tramp. Hannibal Lecter is socially retarded. Mother Goose was a welfare Mom. There. Three more fictitious characters get assassinated by a single keystroke. I'm a bad man, Mama. Don't you forget it.
Hey! Look! Commercials! Fisher-Price has a new Crawl and Cruise Playground! Watch as I get up to go urinate!
Back at the alley, Kenny's asking Shirley how she likes her eggs. She says "runny." He asks Ed, who likes his "over easy." Kenny and Shirley snicker, and Ed's confused. Phil runs in. Hey! Good news! Wally Loser has been found unharmed in Chesterport, scoring some black tar heroin! Yippee! I love happy endings! But wait...this isn't the ending. Wally's parents walk in and want Ed to represent them in their lawsuit against Dr. Crazy. That sonofabitch needs to be punished for steering their kid into a world of drug dealers and Democrats. Ed tells them that if they go to court, the defendant will try to paint them to be lousy parents. Wally's parents reiterate that their precious little loser-boy could have been killed, and that it's up to them to teach Dr. Crazy a much-needed lesson. And possibly a lecture on hair-care products.
In Molly's classroom, Warren has decided that he is going to go to the mic and rap at the Pep Rally. MegaMark admits that rap doesn't do it for him...he's more of a singer-songwriter guy -- Carly Simon, James Taylor, Britney Spears. Maybe it's just me, but it seemed as if MegaMark was trying to impress Diane, who looks like her idea of a sensitive singer-songwriter would be Marilyn Manson. Diane asks Warren to hop on the monorail to leave Fantasyland and come to Main Street, USA; the student body doesn't want to see Warren get up on stage. They want Fozzkat and Jessica Martell and all of the popular kids up there. If Warren gets up there, he's just going to crash and burn. Warren tells Diane that she's not an expert on this stuff, and Diane tells Warren to meet her at the library after school. MegaMark remembers that he has Spanish Club, and Diane says "Good for you," thus shooting the big man down in flames.
In court, Crazy's lawyer wants to know what Crazy's intent was when he told Wally Loser to leave town and go be a teenage male hustler. That was never Crazy's intent, he says; he makes a living out of being these children's friend. He did tell Wally to get out of this godforsaken town quickly. He says he's sorry it happened, but that he's not the one responsible for Wally's disappearance. I actually feel sorry for Dr. Crazy. I can't count the number of hearts that I've broken when little kids write me, wanting to tell me how much they like my recaps and want to grow up to be just like me and then I write them back, asking them to send me naked photos of their mothers. I feel the Crazy Man's pain. I truly do. But enough about me. Ed gets up and asks Dr. Crazy if he's ever eaten at Smokehouse Billy's BBQ Ribs. Crazy says he has, and that they have a wonderful onion loaf and keep their bathrooms nice and neat. Ed asks whether he thinks the potato salad is to die for or what? Crazy says it is, but that the cole slaw is the side item to beat. Ed pulls up a chair and they go on and on about BBQ side items for about three and a half hours. Finally, Ed moves on. Ed wants to know how many times Crazy's paid for a meal there. Well...if you want an exact number, the answer is "never." Ed points out that Crazy's show soundly beats Seinfeld and 227 in the local markets. The judge wants to know what 227 is. Ed says it's the show starring the first lady of gawdawful stage and screen...Jackee. The judge makes a note of it, since he apparently didn't know the show was in syndication. The point Ed's trying to make is that Dr. Crazy is a freakin' celebrity, and that with that celebrity comes responsibilities. He asks Crazy whether he remembers telling kids to go to a local nursing home to volunteer their time. Crazy does. He asks Crazy whether he knows how many kids showed up. Crazy doesn't. Try 223 kids, Crazy...223 kids! On a Saturday afternoon! To hang out with old people and pretend to be interested in their stories about what life was like before the wheel was invented as they helped them lug their colostomy bags around! Jeezum Crow, Crazy...that's a heckuva lotta kids! That's more kids than John Wayne Gacy had buried under his house!
Molly and Carol are walking into the bowling alley looking for Ed. Molly clearly doesn't want to be there, because she might run into Jim, who she has clearly repulsed in some form or fashion. Phil approaches them and tells the ladies that he's taught himself how to do a backflip; do they want to see it? Carol says no and asks where Ed is. Phil says he's still in court; do they want to see his backflip? Carol tells him no once again. Phil walks away dejected as Jim walks up, surprising the ladies and making the butterflies in Molly's stomach vomit. Jim tells them that he's about finished resetting the pins and wants to know if Molly wants to come hang out at the Smiling Goat with him and his buddies and then later on get passed around from buddy to buddy like a Phillies Blunt in a hooptie. Molly says okay and Jim gets excited. He walks away, and Molly complains that she's got the willpower of a lima bean. Molly and Carol walk offscreen, and in the background, Phil is showing Kenny and Shirley his backflip. He jumps up in the air, arms and legs flailing, and lands painfully on his back in a crumpled heap. It's both the worst excuse for a backflip and the funniest sight gag I've ever seen on television.
Back in court, Mama Loser's getting grilled as to why she's such a horrible mother. She's asked whether Wally has any friends in school, and she answers that he's shy. Is he happy? He's regular. Has he ever come home with the words "Total Loser" scrawled across his shirt? Well...only once, which...c'mon, how many kids haven't come home with slurs written all over them? Is he a loner who comes home from school, goes to his room, pulls the shades, and plays videogames until dawn? Houston, we have a winner! The lawyer asks Mama whether she's ever had the kid psychologically tested, and Mama says she hasn't because there's nothing troubling the kid. The lawyer shouts that her boy is a loser, and that if they're such good parents, why can't they figure out why he ran away? The judge is screaming, "Order in the court!" Al Pacino runs in and tells everyone that they're out of order, he's out of order, the whole f'n judicial system is out of order. Charlton Heston parts the Red Sea and E.T. phones home and the scene ends. In that order.
In the library, Warren asks Diane if she called him in here to see if Dewey invented a brand-new funky-assed Decimal system. Apparently, Diane had her funny bone removed several years earlier, because she sits there stone-faced like a smack addict. Diane has gone to the trouble of pulling fifty years' worth of Stuckeyville High yearbooks and putting Post-It notes on each page with a Homecoming King's photo on it. She tells Warren to take a look at any of them. Warren sees one from the 1970s with a turned-up collar and wishes they'd bring that look back. He looks at a few more and keeps seeing the same thing...studs. Fifty years of studs. Sounds like Uncle Bob's family reunion. Amazingly, through Diane's extensive research, it is determined that never in the history of Stuckeyville High has a dweeb like Warren been crowned Homecoming King. Warren wants to know what she's getting at, and Diane begs him not to make her say it. Basically, the meek will inherit Stuckeyville in fifteen years or so, when Fozzkat will have a beer gut and all the studious dweebs will have nice jobs and nice homes. Just. Not. Now. Warren explodes as quietly as possible, being in a library and all, and tells Diane that his dad was a nerd and God bless him...he's still a nerd, but Warren's going to break the mold and become a Homecoming King. He tells Diane to hold on because they're going to have a rocking year.
It's cool to see the writers issue an inside joke by giving Warren's Dad -- Curtis "Booger" Armstrong from Revenge of the Nerds -- a shout-out by referring to him as a nerd. It made me feel all superior that I thought of that myself rather than having to rely on the message boards for this show for my witty insights for a change.
During the closing statements, the mean lady lawyer points out that Wally's clearly unhappy and has been a miserable child since DuckTales got cancelled. He ran away because of this unhappiness. And his parents are having trouble blaming themselves. Had they been better parents, the kid would never have run away. Ed gets up and asks what makes kids the way they are? Genetics? Environment? Easy access to the crack rock? Ed thinks it's a combination of all of those things. It was either a wise man or a fortune cookie that once said, "Two wrongs don't make a right." Dr. Crazy knows that thousands of kids hang on his every word. And he should have known that if he told a kid to run away, the kid would run away. The Judge decides to mull over the case during the weekend and deliver the verdict on Monday. I check my calendar and realize that I can't sit here watching TV until Monday and secretly hope that the case is taken care of outside of court.
Walking out of the courtroom, Mama Loser says she wishes this were all over, because her son has been dragged through the mud, then some gravel, then some sand, then back to the mud, and finally some feathers, and now he's just a strange-looking bird-like creature. Dr. Crazy walks up to them and asks the family to watch his show tonight. Please watch. Maybe that's the approach NBC needs to take with television viewers in order to entice them to watch Ed -- have the stars walk up to them in public and tell them to watch the show. I've gotta say, if Nancy walked up to me on the street begging me to watch her show...I'd want to see what was in it for me and see if we could discuss it further in the nearest Holiday Inn Express.
Commercials. Pizza Hut has invented an Ultimate Lovers pizza. They should rename it "Heart Attack Waiting To Happen On A Crust." There's more meat to be found on one of these pizzas than in the entire John Holmes video collection.
At the bowling alley, Ed and the family are watching Dr. Crazy like a happy little family and their bowling-alley lawyer. The parents are having trouble watching the show until Dr. Crazy speaks about a little boy to whom he recently said a dumb thing. The boy's a great kid, and Dr. Crazy was wrong to tell him what he told him. If that great kid is watching, Dr. Crazy tells him to stay strong, believe in himself, and everything will turn out okay. Wally Loser is sporting wood over Dr. Crazy's televised admissions and can't wait to go to school on Monday and tell everyone that he was the freakin' loser Dr. Crazy was talking about on Friday night's show. Mama Loser thinks about it for a millisecond and tells Ed to drop the case. Ed's happy to do that. Dr. Crazy then introduces a Godzilla short, which Phil explains as a huge influence on M. Night Shamalalalayalayalayan, the funniest named director in Hollywood.
At the pep rally, school spirit is reaching a fever pitch as Warren and MegaMark stand on the side. The coach is pepping up the kids. MegaMark tells Warren that he can't believe Warren's going to "do this," and that it's going to go over huge with such a hot crowd in attendance. Warren excuses himself to go get ready. MegaMark pulls the remains of a Heart Attack Waiting To Happen On A Crust pizza from Pizza Hut out of his chins and eats it.
At the Smiling Goat, Molly begs Carol and Ed to go to T.G.I. Friday's instead because it is Friday, and shouldn't they be thanking God for that? Jim's there and wants to see Molly. "The Couple That Never Was" feed Molly to the Jim-Lion as Ed mentions how cute they are at this age.
Molly sits down with Jim and the boys as one of the guys is eating his twenty-fifth hamburger. If I even think about eating twenty-five hamburgers in a row, my stomach starts sounding like somebody's moving furniture around in there.
Back at the pep rally, the Fozzkat has taken the mic when Warren comes bounding out onto the stage dressed like a Toreador, and grabs the mic from Fozzkat's hands. "Nothing lasts forever," Warren consoles Fozzkat. Warren announces that if you didn't come to party, take your shabby ass home, because the Chezzkat is in the house; he hits the play button on his Boom Box. "We Will Rock You" starts playing. Props to Warren for even knowing the words. He tries to get Fozzkat to join him on the song, but Fozzkat just stares him down. Warren announces that the Fozz is a little shy, and the crowd starts booing the Chezzkat. Miserably. It sounds like Céline Dion just took the stage at a Megadeth show. Warren's voice slowly peters out while he's singing as his plan crashes and burns miserably, this time in front of every one of his peers. He meekly says, "Go Toreadors!" before the song ends, and leaves the stage. We see Diane walking out of the gymnasium, thoroughly disgusted with the guy.
Carol and Ed are shooting pool and discussing the merits of Brooks Robinson when Ed goes to use an "A" cue or whatever they're called. I wouldn't know, because the only reason I've ever used a pool table was for recreational purposes that resulted in a lot of moaning, groaning, and cries of, "Get off me, you fat cow!" Carol suggests that Ed might be gay for having to use such a feminine cue to sink a ball, and calls him "Edna." Ed calls Carol a lesbian because she never let him get in her pants. Seething, Ed goes to the bar to get a beer and sees Dr. Crazy drinking alone at the bar. Crazy thanks Ed for dropping the case, and Ed tells him that he did a good thing tonight. Crazy tells Ed that he was right: as a celebrity, Dr. Crazy has power. He can just go on TV, say the right words that certain people may want to hear, and BAM! They do what he wants them to do. He orders another Cosmo and smugly asks Ed if he can buy him a drink. Ed's disgusted. Ed wants to spit. It's so obvious. He just wants to spit at Dr. Crazy, call him a bad man, and then bitch-slap him using the windmill effect that is usually reserved for little girls beating up bullies.
Warren's sitting in the hallway of the school, wanting to cry. Now, not only is he still a nerd, but he's a nerd who made a complete ass of himself with absolutely no help from anyone. Diane walks up and tells him he's getting his cape all dirty sitting on the floor. He wants to know what she's doing there, and she says she ate some expired cottage cheese which compelled her with the urge to go sit through a pep rally. Warren tells her that she was right -- he crashed and burned like Dale Earnhardt. His dreams of nailing Jessica Martell are now officially over. Diane pshaws that theory and says that stranger things have happened. Warren is disgusted that Diane actually pities him, which classifies him as an even bigger loser than he originally thought he was. Anyway, he'll never chase after Jessica again. Diane tells him that if he changes his mind, she'll help him get Jessica. He wants to know how. She says that ever since junior high, she's been watching these people and how they operate. She's Jacques Cousteau and the popular people are fish. She looks at Warren as a new science experiment which certainly beats injecting rats up the ass with liquid cancer.
Back at the Goat, Jim's telling Molly that he's about to finish the job at Stuckey Bowl, and he wants to know if she'll be around. She doesn't think she can make it. He says it's no problem, and she wants to go home. Jim says, "Fine," and tells her not to let the door hit her in the ass. She leaves. He thinks for a second and then runs after her. Once outside, he asks Molly if she's okay and she says she's fine. Then she recants that whole "fine" crap and says that it's not his fault, but she doesn't want to go down Buddy Road again. She doesn't wanna traverse Friend Street or cruise down Chum Avenue or lollygag down Good Pal Boulevard either. So she suggests that they just shake hands and get on with their lives. Jim looks at her long and hard. Then he bends down and kisses her long and hard -- the kind of kiss that dreams are made of and shy couples eventually share. He smiles, says, "Goodnight Buddy," and walks back inside. Molly stands there, then laughs and walks away.
Woooohooooooo! Molly finally got her some!
I really liked this episode. Even if I hated it, I'd still think it was great strictly for Phil's backflip, which I have now watched at least a dozen times, snickering every time. There was no Principal Jackass...no "Ed Catches Up With Carol On The Street" scene...no musical montage at the end...so it was kind of hard to recap. And please: I like Molly. I'm fatter than Molly. I only pick on Molly because it's my job here. It's nothing personal. So some of you just need to get over that hump and take what I say with a grain of salt. Or, in Molly's case, a bag of sugar.
week, Ed's ex-wife comes to Stuckeyville. Wacky hijinks ensue!