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This week, we kick things off in the bowling alley, where Phil, Kenny, and Shirley are preparing for the First Annual Stuckey Bowl Halloween Bowling Bash by stuffing a full-sized dummy. Shirley -- talking faster than a speed freak on a sugar buzz -- is telling the men about a Halloween costume she once wore that was supposed to be a Slinky; it consisted of a gray sweatsuit covered in aluminum foil. Eventually, the foil fell off, and Shirley was left in a gray sweatsuit, making the whole situation "degrading." Kenny admits that he doesn't care for Halloween, and that it's a holiday for kids, although the gays probably like it as well. Phil gasps and tells Kenny that he just "jumped the shark" which is a slang term used to determine the exact moment in which a certain television show begins its decline. Like when The Brady Bunch brought Cousin Oliver on board. Or the episode of Ellen when Ellen Degeneres announced she was gay. Or when Emeril's opening credits started on his series debut a few weeks ago. Ed busts all up in the scene and says he's taking the First Annual Stuckey Bowl Halloween Bowling Bash to the level; this perplexes Shirley. Since it was the inaugural bash, how can it be taken to the level? Easy Shirley...eeeasy. If you cram many more brain cells into that thought process, they're liable to spill out of your ears and onto the floor. Ed has hired Dr. Crazy to perform. Phil gasps again, and asks Ed if he's "strudeling" Phil. Ed insists that he's not "strudeling" Phil. Kenny's never heard of the Crazy Doctor, and needs clarification as to what sort of character he should expect at the bash. Phil asks "Lurch" what rock he's been living under, and Ed tells him that Dr. Crazy is a kid's show television host who's practically a legend in Stuckeyville. Kenny admits that he watches nothing but the PAX network. The three employees finish with their "scary monster" dummy, who's wearing a patch on his shirt that reads "Ed." "Is this how I look to you?" Ed asks them. A moment of silence passes until Shirley says, "Yes."
Opening credits roll as the most depressing television theme song ever recorded plays in the background. I've decided that there's an entire list of tunes that the producers could have commissioned that would have been better than this hog snot they've been shoving at us for four episodes straight now. "Seasons In The Sun" isn't nearly as depressing. Alice Cooper's "I Love The Dead" is more upbeat and positive than this car wreck of a theme song. Even "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" is better suited for the show. If they couldn't get the rights to any of those songs, they could have flashed a message up for thirty seconds saying "Please jam hypodermic needles into your eardrums until the commercials begin." Anything's better than what they're bombarding us with.
“ This is the same waitress who has been privvy to other ten-dollar bets from the boys, including the infamous 'Burger Me' bet and the 'Dr. Seuss' bet. Hey, Ed: I'll bet you $10 the waitress spits on your food every time you come into the joint. ”
After some less than memorable commercials, we find Ed, Molly, Mike, and Nancy enjoying a little lunch at one of Stuckeyville's finest bistros when the subject twists its way to Molly's love life. Molly's convinced that Jim didn't come to her birthday party because he's intimidated by her intense sexuality. I choked on my Diet Dr. Pepper as I watched her say this with a straight face. Ed informs her that Jim will be by soon to upgrade the bowling alley's pinsetters, and that Molly should give him another chance. Molly insists that it wasn't meant to be. Always the entrepreneur, Mike offers Ed $10 if he'll ask the waitress to wrap up his last French fry to take home with him. The waitress comes by and Ed meekly asks for a doggie bag for his fry. The waitress stares at him, waiting for him to bust out laughing, but the only ones busting out laughing are the show's writers, who are probably tittering madly and punching each other in the shoulder over their latest attempt to flog a dead horse. Finally, the waitress takes the plate back to the kitchen to have Ed's fry wrapped. This is the same waitress who has been privvy to other ten-dollar bets from the boys, including the infamous "Burger Me" bet and the "Dr. Seuss" bet. Hey, Ed: I'll bet you $10 the waitress spits on your food every time you come into the joint.
Back at the alley, Phil and Ed are decorating the place and doing some incredibly lame impressions of Dr. Crazy when Dr. Crazy and his assistant walk through the door. Phil and Ed immediately freak out like kindergarteners and straighten their hair as they go to meet the master. Dr. Crazy couldn't be less enthusiastic if he tried. Ed points out that Dr. Crazy is bald and doesn't have crazy hair like he does on the show, which prompts Crazy to calmly state, in a tone that is normally reserved for coma patients, that the wacky hair is part of his costume. Dr. Crazy is a made-up character, while the actor portraying him...is not. The guy clearly needs some extra lithium in his diet, because he's about as lively as Styrofoam. He tells Bob, his assistant, that he "can't do this," then walks away from the group to go sit in a booth and put his head down on the table. His actions remind me of when I was a child and Daddy would come home late from the race track smelling like a brewery explosion and not want to play "Go Fish" with me because his "goddamned head hurt." Ed asks Bob if there's something wrong with Dr. Crazy, and Bob says that Crazy's wife just left him for a chocolatier. "A choco-what?" Phil asks. "He's a maker and seller of fine chocolate," Bob explains slowly. Phil nods like he understands and then says, "A choco-what?" Ed's humiliated that he has the world's most dense human being as his bowling-alley manager.
Crazy Time
“ At the bowling alley, the First Annual Halloween Bash and Road Apple Toss is in full swing as Kenny and Shirley greet revelers in their Sonny and Cher garb. Seriously, these two need to get a room. The sexual tension is so thick that you could cut it with a spork. ”
Meanwhile, at the high school, MegaMark and Warren are breaking into Molly's classroom to steal some of her Dexatrim for a cheap buzz. Sorry...that was a cheap shot and I'm really trying to cut back on the cheap shots in this recap because some of them are offensive. And I'm trying to be politically correct, in order not to offend the more sensitive readers of these recaps because that's what Mighty Big TV is generally known for: sensitive recaps for sensitive readers. Let's start over again, shall we?
Meanwhile, at the high school, MegaMark and Warren are breaking into Molly's classroom to steal her hidden stash of Crisco in order to grease MegaMark's hips down so he can squeeze into a toilet stall and take a twelve-pound dump. Actually, Warren is rearranging the seating chart so that Jessica Martell will be Warren's lab partner while MegaMark stands guard in the doorway and distracts any curious passerbys with his Megawheezing. Warren's plan is then unfolded carefully like a linen napkin: if he manages to get Jessica Martell sitting to him all year long, she will have no choice but to succumb to the Cheswick Charm, dump the quarterback of the football team, and fall madly in love with Warren, at which point they'll run off to Hawaii where they will live happily ever after. Oh. And have lots of unprotected sex and make guttural sounds like retarded monkeys. MegaMark tells Warren that he's "incompetent," and then declares a snack time after that massive verbal workout.
At the bowling alley, the First Annual Halloween Bash and Road Apple Toss is in full swing as Kenny and Shirley greet revelers in their Sonny and Cher garb. Seriously, these two need to get a room. The sexual tension is so thick that you could cut it with a spork. As Molly, Carol, and Nancy walk up, they're greeted by Jim, the guy who left Molls hanging two episodes ago by not showing up at her birthday party. Molly makes introductions all around, and they ask what Jim's doing there. He's currently locked in a death battle with a pinsetter and took a short break to come out and drool all over Molly's impressive chest o' drawers. Carol and Nancy go inside and both give Molly a thumbs-up behind Jim's back while Jim desperately tries to make eye contact with Molly but is swayed by the magnificent Hudson Hooters. They exchange niceties; Jim asks how her party went and says he's sorry that he didn't show up. Molly, always on the defensive, asks, "You were invited?" Jim says that Ed had invited him, and that he just couldn't make it that evening because he was out whore-humpin'. Molly says there's always year, and Jim says he won't make the same mistake twice. Apparently, he must have heard the pretty strong rumor that Molly got toasted and danced seductively for those in attendance or something, because Jim's acting like he missed the apocalypse. Kenny walks up to the couple; he tells Molly that he noticed she didn't come in costume, and that he and Shirley could really use a Chastity Bono if she were so inclined to help make their costumes complete. Which is a worse slur than anything I've ever dished to Molls on a silver platter. Chastity Bono is not only obese, but she's a staunch lesbian. Kenny basically insinuated that Molly is an obese lesbian. You see, people?! It's not just me lobbing painful accusations Molly's way. Her own damned friends are jibber-jabbering at her and trying to make her cry in public. Molly declines the offer, and doesn't even mention the hurtful accusation. Meanwhile, I just had four more emails sent in my direction claiming I'm a bigot. Tell ya what...let me cover myself in creamy vanilla frosting so you can all eat me, hokay?
“ Wally's parents reiterate that their precious little loser-boy could have been killed, and that it's up to them to teach Dr. Crazy a much-needed lesson. And possibly a lecture on hair-care products. ”
By the way, all of you who have ragged me lately for my disparaging remarks against a fictitious television character: seriously, go to your local bank, take out a loan, and purchase a life. Scarlett O'Hara was a tramp. Hannibal Lecter is socially retarded. Mother Goose was a welfare Mom. There. Three more fictitious characters get assassinated by a single keystroke. I'm a bad man, Mama. Don't you forget it.
Hey! Look! Commercials! Fisher-Price has a new Crawl and Cruise Playground! Watch as I get up to go urinate!
Back at the alley, Kenny's asking Shirley how she likes her eggs. She says "runny." He asks Ed, who likes his "over easy." Kenny and Shirley snicker, and Ed's confused. Phil runs in. Hey! Good news! Wally Loser has been found unharmed in Chesterport, scoring some black tar heroin! Yippee! I love happy endings! But wait...this isn't the ending. Wally's parents walk in and want Ed to represent them in their lawsuit against Dr. Crazy. That sonofabitch needs to be punished for steering their kid into a world of drug dealers and Democrats. Ed tells them that if they go to court, the defendant will try to paint them to be lousy parents. Wally's parents reiterate that their precious little loser-boy could have been killed, and that it's up to them to teach Dr. Crazy a much-needed lesson. And possibly a lecture on hair-care products.
In Molly's classroom, Warren has decided that he is going to go to the mic and rap at the Pep Rally. MegaMark admits that rap doesn't do it for him...he's more of a singer-songwriter guy -- Carly Simon, James Taylor, Britney Spears. Maybe it's just me, but it seemed as if MegaMark was trying to impress Diane, who looks like her idea of a sensitive singer-songwriter would be Marilyn Manson. Diane asks Warren to hop on the monorail to leave Fantasyland and come to Main Street, USA; the student body doesn't want to see Warren get up on stage. They want Fozzkat and Jessica Martell and all of the popular kids up there. If Warren gets up there, he's just going to crash and burn. Warren tells Diane that she's not an expert on this stuff, and Diane tells Warren to meet her at the library after school. MegaMark remembers that he has Spanish Club, and Diane says "Good for you," thus shooting the big man down in flames.
“ Warren sees a Homecoming King from the 1970s with a turned-up collar and wishes they'd bring that look back. He looks at a few more and keeps seeing the same thing... studs. Fifty years of studs. Sounds like Uncle Bob's family reunion. ”
Back in court, Mama Loser's getting grilled as to why she's such a horrible mother. She's asked whether Wally has any friends in school, and she answers that he's shy. Is he happy? He's regular. Has he ever come home with the words "Total Loser" scrawled across his shirt? Well...only once, which...c'mon, how many kids haven't come home with slurs written all over them? Is he a loner who comes home from school, goes to his room, pulls the shades, and plays videogames until dawn? Houston, we have a winner! The lawyer asks Mama whether she's ever had the kid psychologically tested, and Mama says she hasn't because there's nothing troubling the kid. The lawyer shouts that her boy is a loser, and that if they're such good parents, why can't they figure out why he ran away? The judge is screaming, "Order in the court!" Al Pacino runs in and tells everyone that they're out of order, he's out of order, the whole f'n judicial system is out of order. Charlton Heston parts the Red Sea and E.T. phones home and the scene ends. In that order.
In the library, Warren asks Diane if she called him in here to see if Dewey invented a brand-new funky-assed Decimal system. Apparently, Diane had her funny bone removed several years earlier, because she sits there stone-faced like a smack addict. Diane has gone to the trouble of pulling fifty years' worth of Stuckeyville High yearbooks and putting Post-It notes on each page with a Homecoming King's photo on it. She tells Warren to take a look at any of them. Warren sees one from the 1970s with a turned-up collar and wishes they'd bring that look back. He looks at a few more and keeps seeing the same thing...studs. Fifty years of studs. Sounds like Uncle Bob's family reunion. Amazingly, through Diane's extensive research, it is determined that never in the history of Stuckeyville High has a dweeb like Warren been crowned Homecoming King. Warren wants to know what she's getting at, and Diane begs him not to make her say it. Basically, the meek will inherit Stuckeyville in fifteen years or so, when Fozzkat will have a beer gut and all the studious dweebs will have nice jobs and nice homes. Just. Not. Now. Warren explodes as quietly as possible, being in a library and all, and tells Diane that his dad was a nerd and God bless him...he's still a nerd, but Warren's going to break the mold and become a Homecoming King. He tells Diane to hold on because they're going to have a rocking year.
It's cool to see the writers issue an inside joke by giving Warren's Dad -- Curtis "Booger" Armstrong from Revenge of the Nerds -- a shout-out by referring to him as a nerd. It made me feel all superior that I thought of that myself rather than having to rely on the message boards for this show for my witty insights for a change.